[flori]

Hi,
My husband and I are a fairly young couple. We now have 3 young children but my husband has started gambling more and more. I have tried to be lenient as I want him to have some fun but it now is getting out of hand where he lies straight to my face about unaccounted money and where he’s been. I know he loves me and his kids. But he’s in denial about having a problem. He used to gamble 1-$2000, now it’s about once a month up to $10,000. He’s slowing draining all the money we worked so hard to have that give me the ability to be a stay at home mother. I feel like there is No solution to his problem. Gambling excites him, gives him adrenaline rushes, takes him out of boredom and monotony. I can’t be his everything bc i will never be enough, plus I’m busy trying to be a mother and a responsible adult. Easy way out is leave him soon and spare myself and my children of destruction behavior. But it’s excruciatingly painful just to think about it. He gets loud and intimidating when I go up against him and confront him About his issue with addiction. But because he shuts me down makes me feeling like I’m nagging and miserable I doubt my instincts about what he Does and give in to him when he’s that sweet loving husband and father. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

[Dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends & family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
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• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Dunc.

[velvet]

Hi Flori

Well done writing what must have been a very difficult post.

Neither of the options, to stay or to leave, are easy but I hope that by gaining knowledge of your husband’s addiction, it will be easier for you to know what it is that you really want to do. I assure you that whatever you decide, I will understand.

I know that your husband can control his gambling but he has to want to stop and in my opinion, he has to seek help to learn that control.

Maybe you could download the 20 Questions from the Gamblers anonymous web site and leave them lying around for him to find, handing it to him will probably result in a raised voice. Many gamblers think they are alone with their problem but they are not; there is support and there is always hope but the gambler often requires guidance to where that hope is to be found. Personally I think it is good for a gambler to know that a loved one has sought support for themselves.

Constantly working up to the excitement of the gamble, the bet and then the inevitable loss, takes its toll and leaves the gambler with low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. Armed, only with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, a gambler will often be confused and seek to place the blame for poor behaviour on loved ones, rather than taking responsibility for his/her demons.

The lies, loudness and the intimidation are your husband’s only coping mechanisms when his addiction is confronted.

Ultimatums are not advisable. It is better to be very sure of what outcome you want before you make any threats. Threatening action and then changing you mind will encourage his addiction to believe you will always give in, in the end.

Do you have family to support you? I know it is difficult asking friend and family for support because they probably have no understanding of your husband’s problem – but if you can ask for support without asking for opinions, I believe it can help.

I know it will not feel like it is true at the moment – but you really are stronger than your husband’s problem because ‘you’ are not controlled by an addiction.

Stay strong and please keep posting. I’m sorry you have had to wait so long for a reply but I promise you that you will always be heard.

Velvet

[flori]

Thank you for your response. So much of what you said makes sense and I have already read it a few times over. I’m afraid my husband is in denial about his addiction and he feels like he has a “budget” to how much he can lose. Yet, I try to be cautious of how we spend money. There are so many times I want to go splurge on name brand things to kinda of get back at him. But Those things just don’t make me happy. I’m afraid I will hurt myself and kids in the end by “competing” with my husband. Two wrongs don’t make a right as they say. But my anger is only growing, as much as I get weak around him. My weakness comes from wanting to believe him and wanting to trust in our marriage and future. You are right, I just can’t give him an ultimatum because although this is a “big” problem, all around he’s a really decent giving person. The problem is if he’s not gambling he’s giving his money away, helping his family or someone in need. Which is good to some extent. But I keep reminding him that his kids and wife are his priority now and that our kids are too young to ask for things now but time will come where they will want and need things, ie…college funds. I have contemplated splitting all our accounts but I worry that he will run through his and then still come back to me and again I will have to be the one to help him bc he is the father of my children. I feel like there is no solution. Especially with his denials. If I caught him red handed, will that change anything? Will it make him think twice about gambling? I confronted him again and he blamed my mother putting things in my head. He blamed living where we live and moving back where we were. He claims he’s not happy here, maybe bc the close distance to the casino. But bc of this conflict I really don’t want to be far away from my immediate family from fear that he will abandon me and still find a way to gamble. I’m so sadden though because it’s even taking a toll on our intimate life and I’m worried eventually he or I will seek comfort or love outside. Right now I am cordial around him because I just can’t live in a hostile environment and let my kids witness that. He also knows me so well he knows that if he’s sweet I will come around so easily and sometimes I hate myself for it. Sorry I feel like I’m rambling, but I think if I could just figure out some kind of solution. Even if it’s not fixing him but fixing something myself. I know I can stand on my own two feet, but why should I have to raise these kids separate from their father. How do you know when a problem has gotta bad enough not to turn a blind eye? Or just enough to tolerate? I’m worried that it will get worse if I’m not proactive now. Again, he gambled before but I have never seen him like this for the past year and a half.

[velvet]

Hi Flori

I believe that your husband is a decent man but sadly he has a destructive addiction. Wanting to trust is not a weakness, it is what any woman in a relationship would want but sadly your husband cannot trust himself and it is for this reason that it is unwise for you to trust him as you wish to do – until he has sought help. Your husband can learn to control his addiction; he can be the man that he would wish to be and the man that you want him to be but he will need help, until then, I suggest, that you save your trust.

Fixing oneself is not easy but it is the best course of action for the families that want to support. If you allow his addiction to control your life, then the addiction will win and you won’t be able to support your husband or yourself. It is important that you keep up with your friends and family; don’t let hobbies and interests slip away because it is so easy to slide into thinking about the gambling problem 24 hours a day – it can consume you.

Many families play detective with their loved one trying, as you suggest, to catch them red-handed but the ones who get hurt most are the families playing detective because it is not the way they want to be. The gambler would probably lie anyway causing more pain.

I think the point at which you can no longer turn a blind eye, rests with you but I do know the addiction to gamble does get worse, never better and budgeting doesn’t work. Not what you wanted to hear I know but I believe that sugar coating this addiction doesn’t help anybody.

When he puts his theories to you, such as budgeting, maybe you could gently suggest that he tries them out to make you feel better. With that in mind maybe your husband would like to contact our Helpline, it is anonymous and one-to-one. Whatever your husband is thinking will have been heard before, including your unease in trusting him. – I suggest, that he has nothing to lose.

I didn’t hear you ramble, I heard someone who needed to pour her worries out and that is good, keeping them in gradually festers and helps nobody. It is also an excellent idea to put them into a journal which you can refer to, not only to see the cycle of behaviour unfolding but more importantly to see how you are getting on with coping and making decisions.

Please keep posting,

Velvet

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by velvet.

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