31 December 2018 at 5:42 am #6542Ngill002Participant
I recently had a baby in September and was not diligently checking our bank account. Last month I checked our account to find that my husband had gambled close to 20K in sports betting since August. I called his parents and we had an intervention and he agreed to stop. Today I checked our account to find he’s been gambling again. When I brought it up to him he just sat there blank. We have a newborn daughter that he doesn’t spent time with. He doesn’t do anything around the house. He makes good money but we are literally living pay check to paycheck when we should have thousands of dollars in our bank account but due to his gambling we have almost nothing. I just kicked him out our bed and he didn’t even fight it. It’s like he doesn’t care about anything but his gambling. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.31 December 2018 at 10:59 am #6543velvetModerator
Hello Ngill and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team2 January 2019 at 5:03 am #6544CairoParticipant
Sorry ! I know exactly what you’re going through . My husband has been gambling as well we have a 2 year old we work sl hard to provide the best life for our child and my husband blows all our money. I’m so sick of it . I don’t know what to do either … I am about to tell his family too2 January 2019 at 4:36 pm #6545velvetModerator
I hope that by posting and sharing you will begin to feel less helpless. In my experience, when those around compulsive gamblers keep control of their own lives and refuse to allow the addiction of a loved one to bring them down, it benefits everybody and includes a greater hope for the recovery of the gambler.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have successfully used at the beginning of ‘our’ recovery from living with a compulsive gambler.
Imagine, if you can, that your husband’s addiction is a separate entity, a horrible beast that lies in the corner of the room watching and waiting for an excuse to gamble, a reason to argue, an excuse to blame, an explanation for poor behaviour.
The addiction beast is the master of manipulation and threats and you are not and nor should you try to be. The beast is divisive and seeks to divide families for enablement purposes. It is therefore better when a family stick together over any action regarding the addiction’s manipulation and threats.
Your husband is, at the moment, controlled by his addiction but you are not, you are stronger than his addiction, you do not have to live by its rules. Imagine his head is full of sand which requires treatment to tip out leaving room for logical honest thought. Unfortunately, your husband doesn’t know how to do this at the moment leaving him almost certainly feeling isolated and believing that his ‘need’ is to gamble.
It was explained to me, by a gambler who is living in control of his addiction, that the beast, called addiction, destroyed his self-esteem and self confidence. The beast’s nature is to cause constant feelings of failure (in that a compulsive gambler cannot walk away from a gamble until it is too late). The feelings of worthlessness made him unable to think logically and reasonable. Many of his life’s experiences, good and bad, would trigger the beast; the gamble would follow with the inevitable loss. Isolated, ashamed and confused he would follow the voice in his head and chase his losses – the outcome was always the same.
I know that being told to look after yourself first and keep your mind healthy and active doesn’t sound much but it works. The more you feel dragged down by your husband’s addiction the more likely it is that you will begin to lose yourself in his lonely world. I believe that if you try and help him to talk to you without tears and recrimination, he is more likely to open up about his fears. Keeping the beast in the corner and not allowing it to come between you will hopefully help you communicate and open up opportunities for you to tell him where support is to be found and that he is not alone.
By keeping your friendships alive, enjoying hobbies, enjoying your daughter and refusing the negativity of the addiction to gamble to bring you down, you will be stronger, you will be able to reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your child and make the right decisions for your relationship. Maybe you could find a Gam-Anon group near you, it is the sister group of GA and it was my salvation many years ago.
I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’, I hope it helps. Knowledge of the addiction will give you power over it.
If you have any questions, please come right back at me. It took me months at the beginning to get my head around what I was being told and I didn’t believe half of it so I understand how difficult this is for you.
I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so
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