[EHO]

I 1st discovered my husband gambling problem a year ago, when I hit my top with his lack of participation and time with our family. Then it came out that he have lost money on gambling and have debt. I was heartbroken but being now to this whole thing, I immediately paid off his debt and begged him not to do it again as we have 2 very young children.
n
nI learned a few days ago that he took my cash, stole my gold, and sold his house (which I help paid half of it). I live in his country so for convenience the property did not have my name (6 years ago when we brought it). I was devastated. I cried a lot infront of him but I said I forgive him, but ask him to get professional help and join support group. He don’t want to reveal his gambling addict to anyone or talk to anyone.
n
nHe says to me he read a lot of blogs over the last week and he can control his gambling problem. He said he accepted he cannot win any loses back finally, so his urge to gamble is gone.
n
nI don’t know if I can believe him? My mental state is also collapsing and I feel like I am turning into a nagging machine. He asked if I can pay for his credit card debt while he pays for the loan from the bank over the next few years. This time I said no. I told him I cannot pay for anything but I will be with you along the way.
n
nSo he is left with only 1 option to sell his car to pay his credit card and slowing pay off his loans from this salary over the next few years. He needed a reason to sell his car as he do not want to reveal his addict to anyone. He suggested me to go back to my own country for 1 year, while he gains his control ad sell his car. He created an excel budget, and also share his bank account details with me. I told him I want to be by his side, but his fear of other people knowing is greater than the pain of our family seperation.
n
nI often wonder if he really loves me and the kids? I keep thinking if I am doing the right thing by taking the kids and leaving him while he suggest he will gain control over the next year. He said in 9 months our family will be back together. I don’t know what I can trust, what I cannot trust anymore, I don’t want to live in a dream that is only a disappointment over and over again.
n
nIf anyone or gamblers trying to quit have any thoughts about what is going through his mind , can you share your thoughts? Am I doing the right thing? What can I do differently? (Should I pay for his credit card debt, and make him pay for his loans monthly)? I feel very lost, and I feel like I will lose my marriage. I have 1.5 days before I board my flight. So please someone share their thought.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

n

[velvet]

Hi EHO

I am sorry if you have had to make your decision before you had received a reply but I hope you will still be reading.

I have never known a compulsive gambler who has managed to control his addiction without treatment and I am afraid that your husband’s determination to keep his addiction a secret might stop him seeking the support he needs.

We have an excellent Helpline on this site Eho and we also have brilliant ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles who would welcome and understand your husband, if he does want support. It is anonymous, so none of this friends or work colleagues need know and he has nothing to lose by joining them – and possibly, everything to gain. It is common for those with serious gambling problems to want to keep what they are doing secret, either through shame or wanting enablement, and/or denying to themselves that they have an addiction.

I know that your husband can control his addiction Eho but he has to accept that he has a serious problem and be willing to seek help. I can’t tell you to leave or to stay Eho but even if you have caught the flight, I hope you will keep posting and possibly join the friends and family groups which are in real time and are private and safe.

Look after yourself and your children Eho

Velvet

[EHO]

Hello Velvet,

Thank you for responding to my post. At this time I am back in my own country with my two kids. 

My husband drove us to the airport and he said he promise to bring us home once he get his finance under control. But since we got back. He rarly open his phone and if he does he have a very short conversation and then he will have to hang up. 

I am not sure what is really doing on. The last 24 hours, I have tried to get a hold of him, calling him twice but he never opened the call and didn’t return my call. 

I am so lost and not sure what is going on? Is he withdrawing from his family? 

He knows I love him very much and we are willing to walk with him along his way to quit gambling, but I just can’t pay for his debt. He knows we are waiting for him to bring us home whenever he is ready. 

But his actions right now is making me second guess what is going on? How come he is not answering our calls? 

Thanks,

EHO

[velvet]

Hi EHO
nI know how tough it is to love an unresponsive gambler and I also know how easy it is to become so wrapped up in the confusing world of addiction that you forget to look after that which is most important, namely yourself.
nI cannot know what you husband is doing, I do know that his lack of response is quite possibly due to him gambling and that he will probably not be thinking that he is withdrawing from you, his mind is just elsewhere.
nWhen I was where you are now EHO, I did everything wrong for all the right reasons. I called and I worried and I got no response, I lost sleep and I called some more but it didn’t make any difference. When we keep doing the same thing and nothing happens, it is usually best to try something different.
nI suggest that you enjoy your time in your own country, do loads of things that make you and your children happy. Fill your days with happy thoughts rather than thoughts of gambling which make you unhappy.
nHe knows you are waiting for him; he knows that you love him but still he doesn’t respond. I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that if it were me, I would stop calling him. You are second guessing and he is not making any effort to help you understand. You have made a brave move which will hopefully be a large part of helping him focus on what is important, when he is ready to accept his addiction. The addiction to gamble is a selfish addiction and sometimes a gambler needs to hurt himself before he faces his demons, you have given him the space to do just that and I know that took courage.
nKeep posting, I will keep listening and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
nVelvet
n
n

[EHO]

Hello, 

My husband sold his car two weeks ago and he seemed to act normal again, we engage in daily chat and started to see some positive vibe back in him. 

Today, after he received a call from work on an issue, he said he didn’t want to talk right now and then he hang up on me. I called him a few times but he declined my call. 

After a while, he messaged me and simply said “we are over, from the day I left with the kids back to Canada we cannot be back together and he couldn’t believe I left him”. He said he loves his kids a lot and he want to continue to see the kids from video chat sometimes but he does not want to chat with me anymore. Then I called him and he finally opened the phone and he said, “not to call or message him anymore as he don’t want to kill himself, and he blamed because of me calling him a few times today which he declined my call, he then gambled and lost the money in that hour and lost”.

 Is it really my fault and that I should not leave him and stay by his side? Could I really be the trigger for him to gamble? I try to support him and not negative or give him stress when I talk to him.

 Does he really mean it when he says he don’t want to see or talk to me ever again?

 I am confused and hurt. When I saw that little light after he sold his car 2 weeks ago and things seem to normalized to suddenly today.

 Thanks,

 Selina

[velvet]

Hi EHO

Your husband chose to gamble, it was not your fault.   

Sadly, compulsive gamblers, who chose to gamble, will lose and then seek to blame somebody else.  It is easier for your husband to blame you than it is for him to accept responsibility for his poor behaviour.

The highs and lows for gamblers are often extreme.  Selling his car 2 weeks ago probably made him feel good, he had some money but typically he used that money to indulge his addiction.  Within days, his euphoria at having money was reduced to misery because it had all gone.

I cannot tell you what to do but I believe, for your own sake, that it would be better not to keep calling him, allowing him to hurt you further when he declines your calls.   He is reacting angrily to his loss and he is using you as a target for his anger. 

It is hard, when there has been a glimmer or light, to find yourself confused and in the dark again but I suspect the glimmer only came about because he sold his car and not because he has sought help to control his addiction. 

Please keep posting EHO.  I understand why your post is all about your husband but ‘you’ and your health are very, very important.  Give yourself time to breath and enjoy life.  Please tell me more about what you are doing to make a happier life for you and your children. 

As ever

Velvet

 

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