18 April 2019 at 4:28 am #6714AugustParticipant
Hi, I am the wife of a compulsive gambler. My husband will admit that he is a gambler and has made horrible decisions. But he goes back to it. It is so stressful. I feel like I am
the only one going through this. I am drained. We have a little boy that is nine. I also work full time. One blessing is that our finances are not together and his name is not on our
house. We have been married for 18 years. The gambling has gotten progressively worse. Now my family does not know of his gambling. His family and parents and siblings do
know. All they say is they don’t know how I deal with it. But that is it. They have told him he needs to get help. But nothing more.
My husband lies so much, I don’t know what is true or lies. But in most cases mostly what he says is a lie.
I really don’t know what to do. I know this is something that he has to change. I can not do it for him. He promises he will and then he doesn’t. I am physically drained and I just need
to talk to others. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing, but I hope so.18 April 2019 at 8:53 am #6715duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team18 April 2019 at 11:28 am #6716velvetModerator
I am sure you have done the right thing posting here. You are already talking to people who understand so you are not alone.
Although his family do not appear to be willing to do anything constructively, the fact that they are aware and can therefore support you is good – so many families choose denial and that is worse.
Although your husband has seemingly admitted that he knows he is a gambler with a problem he is almost certainly not accepting it’s severity. Accepting the addiction for what it really is, is very frightening and compulsive gamblers are afraid to take the plunge where they will possibly hear that they can probably never gamble again.
The lie-telling is your husband’s way of coping with the enormity of what is happening to him and your disappointment. The first lie would have been to make you back off and you probably did, thinking whatever it was that he had done was a one-off. The lie gave his addiction breathing space – and so the next lie would have followed and the next, until your husband’s memory became so cluttered with lies, he no longer recognised the truth.
The good news is that you husband can control his addiction, if it was not so I wouldn’t be here. He can be the man he wants to be and the man you want him to be.
It is a great blessing that your finances are separate. The addiction to gamble is all about the ‘gamble’. Money is the means with which to gamble it is not the goal.
Your husband does need the right support. You are correct that you cannot save him but maybe you could direct him. Maybe you could download the Gamblers Anonymous 20-Questions for him. Gamblers Anonymous is excellent support as is our Helpline, forum and gambler-only groups on this site. Everything is anonymous, non-judgemental and understanding; your husband would be very welcome. As he has said he knows he has made poor decision – what has he got to lose by trying? There are also dedicated addiction counsellors if he is prepared to face his demons.
I think you are saying what so many family members say, which is that the lies are the most painful side of the addiction. Your husband doesn’t realise this and will never understand it while his mind is clouded with addiction.
I have brought up my thread ‘the F&F cycle’ so that you can see that everything you are going through is understood. Your husband didn’t ask for or want his addiction anymore than you. Compulsive gamblers would love to gamble responsibly but they can’t.
Well done writing you initial post, it cannot have been easy. Please keep posting, you are not alone.
Velvet25 June 2019 at 5:02 am #6717MomoftwogreatkidsParticipant
Hi, I have been married 20 years and am also new to this forum. I hope you are making it through. I know how hard the lies can be on us non-gamblers.
I cannot tell what my husband believes is real and what he believes is a lie. I have no idea how much he has lied to me and everyone else.
My husband’s family chooses to believe his lies that he is not an addict, and that I caused all of his financial issues. I cannot even have a concert with him anymore. It’s all deflection and changing the subject. Please let us know how you are doing.
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