Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum My Journal I am so very close to the edge

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  • #11306
    crushedsoul
    Participant

    Welcome to my personal hell. I have gambled myself into a ghost without a soul. I’m lying next to my best friend writing this as she sleeps after I lost another cool dime betting on nba and NCAA games. She doesn’t know how bad things have gotten since my last breakdown. Things have gotten worse. About 10K worse. I make roughly 40k a year and suffice to say this debt is doing more than suffocating me. I’m scared to go to sleep at night because I know I’m going to feel the same way tomorrow morning as I do every morning. The truth is, suicide is the first thought I have when I wake up and the last thought before I go to sleep. I am scared. I couldn’t imagine feeling any lower. I am a compulsive sports gambler you name it- I probably have bet on it. I may sound like a defeatist but how else am I supposed to feel ? How would you feel? I would love to just quit now and move on- but the amount I am down just won’t let me. I try to just chip away at the debt but as many of you know- it is an inevitable failure. I know tomorrow will bring another groundhog day for me. It’s pay day but all of that money is going right to the bookie. That is a great feeling isn’t it? I never use to be angry but now I am all the time. I’m so afraid that I will never be the way I once was. I know I need help.

    #11307
    Anonymous
    Guest

     
    Hi Crushedsoul, A Warm Welcome to Gambling Therapy
     Having found us you have also found a diverse community who can help and support you on your recovery journey.
     Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment and by reading others stories am sure you will see that you are very much not alone in this addiction
     Please click here to see our services page, feel free to use all that this site can offer…
     To chat with others in real time you may wish to make use of the support groups, the ***** of these groups are advertised under "What’s on and When" or
    click here to see the weekly group schedule.
     For one to one chat you may want to try the live advice helpline. Click "connect" when these options become available.
     Also to say when you registered we would have sent you an email with an attachment, this attachment will help you navigate the site and find the support you so rightly deserve, alternatively this guide can be downloaded by clicking here.  
    Take Care
     The Gambling Therapy Team

    #11308
    changenetwork
    Participant

    Rockbottom is a blessing in disguise! Now you can slowly start your life without gambling. Go to a local Gamblers anonymous meeting! Then 28 days in a clinics if that can be an option. Therapy is the only natural path to a good recovery from this evil behaviour we call compulsive gambling. Keep strong this low is what we have all gone through! It gets better in time! Please talk on here and keeps us up to date!   Adam

    #11309
    paul315
    Participant

    Originally posted by Crushedsoul

    …  I am scared …
    Good afternoon Crushedsoul, my name is Larry and I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was October 2012. (My screen name is paul315, one I choose over three years ago when starting on my road to recovery, a road that led me out of my ****.)
    Welcome to GT, here you will find that you are not alone, others here have shared in your pain, remorse, your losses, and your fear; we have all been scared and have all shared in your ****.  Some like myself have also had thoughts of suicide, but thankfully we recognized these feelings as wrong. We then started addressing them and the reasons behind them; we started working on our recovery and a return to a more normal way of thinking and living.
    You came here for help in your gambling problem. You might also need to get some professional help for your suicidal thoughts, and some financial help for better ways to pay of your debts. Debts to a bookie are more complicated that to ones to legitimate creditors, but they too have to be addressed in a better way than adding to the amount by more gambling. You have to pay him, but you may be able to negotiate a better plan while having him cut you off from future bets, one that you will stick to; he wants his money, not your hide, taking your hide come if you don’t pay, not if you no longer make bets. 
    The road to recovery requires us to reach out in many different directions, but the most important one is help for you mental state, do that now. As for the financial problems, you say that your would love to just quit but the amount that you own won’t let you; that is far from the truth. The truth of the matter is that your addictive controlled thinking is using the amount you owe as an excuse to continue gambling. The truth of the matter is that more gambling will not allow you to pay off what you owe; it will only add to the debt and give the addiction more power to cause you to chase more looses. The truth of the mater is that when a compulsive gambling stops gambling, the outlay of money is eliminated thereby increasing the income by removing the financial drain that was caused by gambling.
    In the movie you subtlety reference, Groundhog Day; the main character did have to relive each gh day over and over. But he learned from his mistakes each time he was subjected to reliving the repeated groundhog days. Each repeated day started with the same things to dread; but in recognizing that he had to face the day anyway, he made changes for the better and stopped doing the wrong things that were making the life he had to live unmanageable. He eventually stopped  waking up to a repeated gh day and you can do the same in real life, but it takes making changes in your life, your thinking and your attitude — without change there will be no change.
    Keep coming back here and participating in the services GT offers, look for a live help group in your area such as Gamblers Anonymous, be honest with your best friend and use the help that she can provide — she may be sleeping but you are the one that need to wake up before her help is no longer available, do all you can and use all the help that is available to you so your can combat this addiction.
    God’s speed, use your Higher Power to guide and strengthen you.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

    #11310
    crushedsoul
    Participant

    I just finished up a 13 hour binge of gambling on basketball games.  Tried to chip away at my debt- but i added another 1500 in losses.  I have  completely isolated myself as i am in a state of uncomparable depression.  I have not been able to just let my losses go because of this anger i have against myself.  The amount of self hate I have is unbearable. I don’t feel it will be possible to recover from this.  I still have horrible thoughts.  I also have thoughts of taking a stand against the bookie and "holding court" on the street.  That is the amount of anger i have built up—-I am a ticking time ****

    #11311
    blueelvis888
    Participant

    Hi Crushedsoul , Where do we start and finish this never ending soul destroying cycle of compulsive gambling. Rock bottom is mentioned so many,many ***** by people trying to quit a compulsive disorder. I myself have been battling it for so long about 30 years or so. A life time almost some would say. I often think about suicide just the same as you but I am not brave enough to go through with it. The amount of money I have lost and the pain,trouble, heartache and time I have lost to this evil habit I can never get back. I am not an expert on advice but over the last week or so I have opened my eyes a bit more to what gambling has really taken from me and for what ?.I am 46 and recently lost my job, I have no money, just debt, I had to sell almost everything I own,for a fraction of its true cost, just to survive and for what I ask myself. It is certainly not for the pleasure I took from gambling that is for certain. It was only about 2 weeks ago I told my mother who I love dearly but I have caused her so much pain and heartache through my compulsive gambling. That it would be impossible for me give gambling up and this disease would stay with me till the day I die. But over the past few days I have felt a slight change in me that has given me hope that I really do detest gambling. It has taken everything from me and for the only time in my life I feel the desire to fight my gambling habit and not give in to it any more. Whether I am at rock bottom or not I do not know but for the first time I feel a conviction in me that I never had in me before. How long this will last only time will tell. Maybe one day you will reach this point,I hope for your sake it is sooner rather then later before you do lose everything like me !– 2/3/2013 1:32:47 PM: post edited by blueelvis888.– 2/3/2013 3:59:28 PM: post edited by blueelvis888.

    #11312
    paul315
    Participant

    Originally posted by crushedsoul
     … i am in a state of uncomparable depression … I am a ticking time ****

    Crushed, please look for help for you in heading in a different direction. Use the help lines found in the link for  befriender   at the upper right side of this page, or just go directly to the page for the US here: http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA, select your State and city and make a call. There will be a list of phone numbers for a few support locations for you area, call and visit one of them. You can also directly call the National Hotline at 1-800-SUICIDE (7842433). Or call your doctor, a loved one, or minister; do something.
    We do not know you that well, but we all care. We are you, we have been able to more forward and so can you.
    Make the call.
    Larry
    Thanks to my Higher Power, My 3G’s – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.– 2/3/2013 3:50:11 PM: post edited by paul315.

    #11313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    ***** my friend,
    Listen carefully to the words of BlusElvis above. If we continue, there is a guaranteed outcome and you know it !!!!!
    Believe me when I say I know what your going through. DO NOT CHASE THE LOSSES. I have been doing that and probably many others on this site for years and years. Simple outcome and same outcome every single time. MORE MISERY, SUFFERING and UTTER DESPAIR. seek out any help you can get. There are terrific people on this website you can reach out to. Just stretch out your hand .
    I know it appears to you that your situation is hopeless, but it never is. I bet (no pun intended) that 2 years ago, you felt these same feeling and then ignored them and bet again and again and again. If you could get those 2 years back, can you imaging how much better you would feel. INFINITELY. This is how you could feel in 2 years from now if you stop.
    This is what I am going to do. Yes, I too am in dire straits at the moment, believe me, I’ve been to prison !!!!!! But you can fulfil a better destination for yourself. be strong fight

    #11314
    crushedsoul
    Participant

    Thank you for the advice Larry, blue and uncontrolled.  Yesterday was the SuperBowl- AKA Gambling Amatuer Hour.  In a dark basement, alone I gambled all day again-I gained some money back but was still down 1k for the week so of course that just won’t help the situation.  My friend tried to get me out of my house, inviting me to go shoping with her and her sister but after telling her how low I was feeling I had to deny going and instead gambled more of my soul away.  I am ashamed to say, even to strangers that I owe 9k to an illegal bookie and another 7k to a bank with witch I borrowed 4k twice to cover my gambling losses. yea, so things are pretty scary for me.  If you couldn’t tell, my social life is pretty non-existent now as I can’t even afford to put more than 10 dollars in my gas tank.  The amount of money I have in my bank is only for the bills for the next two weeks–no frills at all- not even a pack of gum.  Does this sound like rock bottom to anybody else?  To anyone else, besides my two best friends- this knowledge would be a complete shock as I have kept this a total secret from my family.  My mom keeps sending me listings of houses she wants me to look at to buy—my parents would be absolutlely crushed if they knew what I have done to my life.  Just 2 hours ago I put my golf clubs on ebay- I don’t think I’ll be needing them anymore.

    #11315
    blueelvis888
    Participant

    Hey Crushedsoul, Maybe to feel rock bottom first you have to lose everything you own. It is just a thought !.I have had a long time to reminisce on the past on what I have done,who I have hurt,what I would have and where I would be if I had not had this gambling addiction. I think being a gambling addict, we all think that we are the worst gambler alive,in the worst position possible,have lost the most money and there is no way out. So what do we do continue to gamble which is the very thing that put us in that position in the first place. My own personal problem with gambling has been long and has taken so much from me that words cannot describe how I feel.
    It is no shame in not being in a position to buy a house do not feel bad about it. If you really want to have a future and be able to buy your dream house one day .One thing has to stop is GAMBLING.
    After many ,many years gambling and with nothing to show for my existence and work because of gambling .I have to start from the bottom again .I have no money,I have no job, I have just moved back with my parents at 46, the first time in 29 years I have no car this is all because of gambling. I am so determined to kick this habit that this time I cannot fail.

    #11316
    paul315
    Participant

    Originally posted by crushedsoul
    …  I put my golf clubs on ebay- I don’t think I’ll be needing them anymore …

    Good morning Crushed,
    I was a relief to see a post from you after your last one; another member recently posted about a revelation that they had after getting past a crises where they thought everything was lost and life was not worth living, I believe their words were "God’s not through with me yet".  Hang in there.
    You had to put your golfs clubs up for sell, but it is not golf that you will not be needing anymore, it is your gambling that you do not need. Most have had to sell things to either support our addiction or recoup some from its consequences, but this is one of the characteristics and "last" resorts that compulsive gamblers face; it’s par for the course. It relates to one of the questions in the GA 20 Questions about being a CG: "11 – Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?".  Gamblers Anonymous uses common sense and ask the right questions to help us through hard ***** and to get back to the person we are meant to be, to get past the point of not letting God complete us; and if not God in the Biblical meaning, it is our Higher Power that guides our will and molds our lives until completion. Consider looking for help in a GA meeting near you, use this Club House of recovery to get yourself together and then go out and finish the last nine holes of your life, play out your game, not the one controlled by your addiction.
    God’s speed. Stay strong. Keep posting, keep holding on.LarryThanks to my Higher Power, My 3G's – God, GA, and GT,  "Day Two Is Another Day Behind" and with the help from all I hope to continue to remain gambling free.

    #11317
    inner child
    Participant

    Crushed Soul,
    You can make it through this rough time – my thoughts are with you

    #11318
    williame
    Participant

    Hey Crushed,
    Hope this helps….
    Ive been where you have been, even to a deeper level financially. Ive lost $1,000,000+ to gambling in 30 years. I once lost $16,000 in one week to an illegal bookie with NO money to pay him. As you know, this doesnt go over well and dont know to what level of organized crime your bookie is involved, but mine was VERY connected. To the point when I manned up to my mistake, I had to get in a Lincoln with 2 VERY scary men in the back seat strapping guns. I confessed that I screwed up bad but made a strong point that I was a man and not running from my mistake and wanted to make it right. They werent happy and I got yelled/cursed at alot initially, but in the end they even said they respected me doing "the right thing" and set up a weekly payment plan. Their "collection man" (he was 6′ 6" and probably 350+ pounds) came to my job every Friday to collect $200 from me. About a year and a half later, I made my last payment, and shook the guys hand and said "I hope I NEVER see you again". He replied "I hope I NEVER see you again either, but I respect you for repaying your debt and being a man". So, bottom line I read you have a large debt with a bookie. Its up to you how you want to handle it, but like they told me it’s not like the movies where they kill people over a gamble debt, they just want to be paid". Id man up and tell them that you have an addiction (they are used to it, most of their clients are CG’s) and want to end the nightmare. Request a permanant cutoff from any future action and set up a weekly payment plan. Just some advice from one who used to bet dimes on many games weekly. You can also try GA (which i have done) but honestly what has really changed my life and was more effective is going to a gambling addiction specialist for therapy. You will come to find out that there’s an underlying emotional pain that is driving you to gamble in a compulsive/extreme nature. Trust me, it works but at the same time its not easy. Then again, there’s no greater feeling than not feeling the urge to gamble anymore and not feeling worthless/******/depressed/suicidal. Wish you all the best, and if anything else I hope this helps in the simple fact that yoy arent alone in what you have done, there’s other CG’s out there that have walked the same painful walk. Let today be the day where you say "I done torturing myself and I deserve to be happy". One day at a time at first, and set simple goals maybe make your first goal to not gamble for 30 days. Looking forward to reading how you are doing, keep us all posted on your progress.

    #11319
    crushedsoul
    Participant

    William, thanks for sharing- I feel like you were probably in a similar situation as me at one point. I’m glad you made it out in one sane piece. There is more to my story that I would like to share in the future but at this point I am still gambling on a daily basis, so – I’m not sure I should even be here yet. I am still trying to find a psychiatrist to talk to but as you might have guessed that is being delayed by my inability to give this game up. It’s 10:30 on a Sunday morning- I will more than likely be in this dark basement for the next 12 hours on a gambling binge. I will try to check in later and maybe even try the group therapy option on this site- is there a session that people attend on here?

    #11320
    neva
    Participant

    Good morning Crushedsoul. I think we’ve all been at that point where dying seemed like the only way we could stop the gambling destruction…I know I have.  If you are still gambling doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be posting. As Paul wrote about this site "supportive and non-judgemental environment" Nobody will judge whether you are still gambling or not. All you’ll find here is support and encouragement.  In the beginning of my recovery, I had to block all access to cash.  That meant giving up my debit card, stopping check cashing privelages at the casinos making sure I didn’t have cash on me during the weekends.  The first few weekends I took a sleep aid and slept through most of the weekends so I didn’t have to face the urges.  I’ve had a few binges along the way but my recovery progressed because I kept posting, reading and wanting to do whatever it took to break the gambling cycle.  Your life is important, the need to gamble is overwhelming, do whatever you can to block your gambling (throw your computer, cell phone out the window on the freeway) so you can enjoy the life you’re meant to have.  I think the hardest part, in the beginning, is we want to stop the pain and loss so desperately but we don’t want to give up our ****** because we’re so addicted.  William, Paul and BlueElvis are very smart men so listen to their words. You’re in my prayers…not sure if you believe in a Higher Power but I know I wouldn’t be where I am now but for the Grace of God so hope you don’t mind. Sherry/Neva

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