Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family I am tired… No children then walk away or run…

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  • #3256
    tired but fighting
    Participant

    Where do I begin? I am going to go do my Bible study soon to clear my head and reflect on what God really wants for my life. But right now I want to scream and yell and call someone. But I know everyone I call loves my hubby and they just like me do not want to hear once again that he is gambling. And of course he asked me NOT to tell anyone… I knew he was doing something but I did not know he would have the nerve to gamble when we have .30 in the bank. We owe our huge house payment in two days and we are just praying that my paycheck and his paycheck will cover this payment. I have been reading forums to try to understand that after 5 years I am feeling this heartache again. Oh he only says it is $340.00 but right now that is a fortune to us. I knew this “friend” who is young was an unusual relationship but he kept saying they are just hunting buddies. yeah right!! They are gambling buddies!!! And this happens the same time every year and he has lied to me AGAIN. Right before the Super Bowl, basketball, my Dads death anniversary and his anniversary of losing his high paying job. It has been a LONG five years. I just want to bury myself in my family and our new grandbaby. WHY LORD? The devil is trying so hard to tear us apart. We attend church every Sunday together but is he really listening or is he like me and just numb???

    Okay I am not going to talk about how he feels because I DO NOT KNOW!! I know how I feel. Over the last five years, we have also lost both his parents and there has been some other issues. I have found out he owes more money all over the place. Five years ago, my Mom bailed him out of debt so he would not go to jail for embezzlement from his company. Today, I can tell you of about thousands more that I believe he has borrowed over the years and has not been paid back. I am now releasing that debt from my memory. It is not my debt and HE is RESPONSIBLE FOR it. We also had to file bankruptcy which I fought for months. He now has a good job and I thought we could be on our way to financial repair and then the “ugly monster” rears its head again. And on top of that HE does not get the fact that WE ARE BROKE…He schedules us for a dinner that we could not afford (I wanted to cancel and he would not-borrowed money from his sister) and then he has to go on one of his politician trips because HE COMMITTED. Why can he not commit to quit gambling? Or did he just want to get away from me for two days and stay in a fancy hotel?? We now have .30 in our account and very little gas in our cars. Yes we get paid tomorrow night but I am trying to figure out how I am going to drive to work tomorrow. And I put our childs pay check ($40) in our account (away at school) to get Mr. Politician money for gas so he could get home yesterday. But he only needed $100.00 for trip and he will be reimbursed!!?? but of course he needed more and I have to leave work and run to bank!! Another lie to me and himself. UGGGHHH. We do not even have $10.00. He does not get it at all and leaves everything to me.
    And he wants to hurry up and sell our house but we also need to get the most equity out of it so we can repay my 80 year old Mom. And then he has his sister needing money for their fathers wonderful inheritance he left us. His property that has a loan on the house. We have not been able to pay our half since April. This is because my hubby would not leave the self employment job he LOVED even though we were about to lose our house. It seems that as I write this that our life has always been all about him!!

    He use to chair the Gamblers Anonymous meetings in our area but it faltered with irregular attendance. He tried to get others to help lead but there was never anyone that stayed longer than three meetings. PLUS who wants a leader that cannot quit gambling?? But I will say he did try to get others to help. Now the meetings are gone. We have been to counseling which I believed was helping until my schooling and his new job got in the way.

    To all of you that are battling this “demon” and you have no children, I say RUN… run as fast as you can. At this time of my life, I am putting my children’s happiness ahead of mine. They love their Dad. I have chose to accept that I can live with being happy 80% of the time. I am waiting on the day that my hubby leaves me for some young bimbo that will not know about his gambling issues and he can go back to his carefree life. When our last child graduates from college, I do believe he may just choose this path. But it will be his decision. Not mine. He is a product of a divorced family and I do believe he wants his children to be happy.

    Thank you for letting me vent. I feel better already and I will now go do my Bible Study on James. You know what is ironic. My hubby said last week that he could not understand why GOD was allowing us to go through this HELL of financial ruin and he declared at that time that he was not gambling. LIE AGAIN!! I reminded him that God may be trying to tell us that we need to walk a straighter path that will be pleasing to him. And please understand that I do not believe God punishes us in this way. But the whole point of this is to tell you that my hubby WAS GAMBLING this whole time. I know now he does not fear our God. I am so angry right now.

    #3257
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Tired

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3258
    tired but fighting
    Participant

    Thank you for the welcome. I really needed to vent earlier.

    #3259
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tired
    I am not surprised you are angry, I am glad that your outpouring at least helped you feel a little better.

    Is it impossible for you both to find the time to go to your counselling again if it was helping? If your husband could get the support he needs your lives could be easier and everything else you do would be enhanced by it.

    Sadly it doesn’t take nerve or the lack of it for a CG to gamble when there is nothing in the bank and debt is piled high – it takes an addiction that is hard to beat but not impossible.

    With your husband’s mind so full of addiction he won’t hear the message of the Church anymore than he can hear and disseminate what you are saying. He needs treatment.

    I am so pleased that you are thinking about how ‘you’ feel; maybe you could get back to counselling just for you because you do matter so very much.

    I understand mother’s putting their children before themselves but you have to be careful that in so doing you don’t become weakened because your children need you to be strong for them. To cope with this addiction it often means that you have to put yourself first so that you are fit enough to cope with the needs of the children. It isn’t selfish – if putting yourself last has not achieved anything then perhaps it is time to try something different.

    Children usually see far more than they are given credit for when it comes to this addiction. They can love both parents but not be blinkered to an addicted parent manipulating and causing pain to the other parent. It can lead them to being confused and unsure who they can trust. However much you try and hide it, I suspect your anguish will be felt.

    You are waiting on the day that your husband leaves you for someone else. Does this mean that you want him to make a decision that you think could be right for you?

    I am hoping that our member called Twilight finds your thread. She is the daughter of a CG and now as an adult she is able to speak for children who cannot speak for themselves.

    It would be great to meet you in a group, click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page for times. Nothing said in an F&F group appears on the forum.

    Please keep posting until you are ready to make the right decisions for you, your children and ultimately for your husband. You have done so well writing this post – it must have taken a lot of courage – well done.

    Velvet

    #3260
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi Tired, tonight I think the Holy Spirit prompted me to cross over to the friends and family site, as i never visit here. i too got caught up in a cycle of gambling. I was addicted and it was destroying my life and that of those around me. This addiction as you have learned will destroy everything. Despite prayer, and pleading with God i just could not stop myself. Looking back now it seems unbelievable even to me. In desperation i googled for a pastor and found myself in chat with someone at groundwire. he offered to become my mentor And recommended a site called setting captives free. I followed the course and thank God I have been freed from the slavery that is gambling addiction . The site opens with “Once an addict always an addict?” Not according to God’s Word! There has been such a miracle in my life , and in the course i learned that God has promised to restore everything which the thief has stolen. God has poured many blessings on my family in a short whIle including financial ones, and all parts of my life are being restored. I am a wife and mother.Even the overwhelming love i have for my child could not win against this addiction.I hope that my testimony will give you hope. I will be praying especially for your family .i am free from this slavery. I do not fight urges to gamble every day. I am no longer an addict. God has freed me.

    #3261
    tired but fighting
    Participant

    And thank you Sad for sharing with me your testimony. I am glad you crossed over. I constantly remind my husband the story of David. God loved him so much but he constantly faltered. My husband is SO Lovable. I know God is fighting for him and wants him to walk a better path.
    Congratulations on your accomplishment. God is sooo good and we live by the verse “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phil. 4 :13
    God bless you.

    #3262
    twilight16
    Participant

    Hi Tired,

    Welcome to GT, glad you have been reading posts and hope they support you in your struggles. As Velvet has mentioned my father is a cg. He’s like your husband in regards to being very well liked, I don’t think anyone wasn’t charmed by him, and of course so was I, the dotting daughter. It seemed that the only flaw he had was his gambling, so I and others overlooked it for many years which made it easy for the addiction to grow stronger and be the master manipulator it was.
    My parents were old school; being married meant for life and my mother certainly had this belief when she married my father. So she stuck it out with my father’s gambling even when utterly unhappy and beyond frustrated with my father’s gambling (lies, money missing, debts and denying that he really had a problem). My father also took this to his advantage believing their relationship was a safe haven and he could gamble and my mother would stay put, regardless of her unhappiness. Somewhere in their relationship there was a breaking point and my mother patiently waited until I turned 18, to divorce my father. I wasn’t that surprised, as I heard the fights for many years and when it was officially it really wasn’t a big deal. What I was seeing at home was not a marriage. I would never blame my mother for leaving him. I feel sorry that she had to stay with him, for what he put her through emotionally and financially all those years.
    My father seemed to do well with this new found freedom, gambling whenever he wanted. My mother moved on with work and I went to college. Dad just kept gambling and I got caught up in “helping him” when he needed money. I hid this from my mother and in ways I became my mother; so unhappy with my father’s gambling. I know my mother went through hell with my father’s gambling but I got the super strong manipulative and brutal addiction trying to tear me apart, along with my family. My father’s addiction was relentless and I honestly never experienced such stress and emotional trauma in my life. It was plain scary. I still get sick with worry thinking about it.
    I learned that by not doing something I was basically letting the addiction to get stronger. I could no longer turn the other cheek and just say, “he has an addiction, he can’t help it,” because that will only give the addiction leg room to become stronger. SO I found GT (thank God) and I started my recovery, this is my suggestion for you. Start with little baby steps, have consequence’s and stick by them. Don’t allow to be manipulated by him or the addiction. The addition really preys on our fears and uses it to get what it wants.
    I thank God daily for the good things in my life and I know God does not want us to be unhappy. You are not here to fix your husband, only he can do that. You can love him, but don’t just accept his gambling as your duty. He has to take responsibility for his addiction and he can do this through being faithful to his recovery. There is nothing you can ever say or do for him to stop. He has got to do this and once we let go of this thought, recovery becomes our way to sanity. I wish you all the best.
    Twilight

    #3263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Hi Tired. I always pop over to see how you are doing so it would be lovely to read a post from you.

    #3264
    charles
    Moderator

    Hi Tired,

    I see you haven’t posted in a while but I hope you are still reading here. I myself am a Compulsive Gambler and I facilitate some of the scheduled groups here.

    I am of the “Once an addict always an addict” opinion. I am a Compulsive Gambler and I will always be a Compulsive Gambler. That doesn’t mean that a CG always has to gamble though, we do have the ability to stop gambling while not being “cured”. I haven’t had a bet in some while now but I couldn’t stop on my own nor could I stay stopped on my own.

    You mention your husbands GA meetings. It’s a shame they are no longer available but is he willing to use any other support? Has he seen this site? Considered counselling? Or anything else?

    If not it’s unlikely he is going to stop on his own, infact as this is a progressive problem it is likely that things will get worse.

    Whatever he does it is important, as Velvet will rightly tell you, that you focus on you. I’m glad to see you now consider these debts as his debts and his responsibility. What can you do to both keep it that way and make it clear to him that this is the case? How can you protect yours and family finances? What support can you use? It sounds like he wants you to keep things quiet for him? This can be part of a CG’s manipulation – talking to people would allow you to get support from your family etc so do the right thing for you. It would also of course make him less able to borrow money from those family members to feed his addiction.

    I see the church and God are important to you. My own belief is that God is never likely to send us a burning bush or other such sign as a way to stop us gambling or “see the light”. What he might do is put a GA meeting in our area or guide us to a site like this. Then it’s up to us as to whether we use the support he has sent us.

    I hope to see you posting again soon, I hope you use the support that you have here and elsewhere.

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