- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by vera.
-
AuthorPosts
-
-
10 June 2014 at 11:54 pm #25414LConn21Participant
Hello everyone (or perhaps nobody, if nobody’s reading).
I don’t know where to start, or quite how to end – hence the title of this post (also the fact I’m an avid Beckettian). I came on here some days ago, chatted to one of the site’s great online counsellors, and while we spoke I was motivated, and distraught, enough to self-exclude from all my online gaming sites. All except one. For the days after I was extremely determined not to gamble, until an email from the single site I had forgotten about. You can all probably see where this is going.
Anyway, that done, I sit here relatively penniless. I threw the last few hundred euro I had at the problem, and as always, it greedily gobbled it up. I’ve since self-excluded from that site and now this really must be it. There’s nowhere left to go as such.
Where to begin. It, oddly, didn’t start that long ago – the problem aspect of my gambling. In the scheme of things it was a quick 6 months that totally ruined my finances. But I’ve been gambling from when I was young kid. It always appealed to me. I have a mathematical mind and so I liked playing odds (even though I knew you could never beat them). Oddly enough then I forgot about this obsession as I got busy in the working world, well until some months ago. A few, even expendable, little deposits every week or two was how it started. If it had just stayed that way it’d have been fine, even good value for the entertainment it provided. Of course as many here know, it just spiralled into bigger and bigger deposits, higher and higher stakes, trying to win back everything I’d lost.
Well, that continued, and spiralled horrifically into the state I’m in now. In some sense I’m glad all my money is gone. It means even if I wanted to I can’t deposit anything more. It’s a wake-up call. What I did tonight was stupid, but maybe I needed to be reminded just how stupid I am so that I could be determined this time. But this truly is it. I know it’ll be tough, but it’s cold turkey here on out.
I’m seeking a new job (I currently have an at-home position) so that I’m away from this cursed laptop during the day, the vehicle for my gambling. I’ve told my partner I never want to gamble again and he’s there to help me. I’m determined to stop, I guess, and never have I said that from a position where I can’t possibly lose any more, so I feel confident – albeit wary. I hope in the weeks to come I can implement strategies that I discussed before with that lovely counsellor and so when my next pay checks are deposited I can stride on. I know it’ll be difficult though. My main fear is the that in a few weeks, or months, or even years, is that I’ll say to myself “Oh I’ve got enough now that I can afford to lose say 50” and it begins the trainwreck afresh. Hopefully by that time I have tools in place I guess.
Sorry for wending on, a wee purge of sorts.
Thanks for reading, and thanks so much for this site which truly did save my mind that last day and now as I write.
Luke
-
11 June 2014 at 9:09 am #25415DuncKeymaster
<
Hi Luke and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
-
11 June 2014 at 9:23 am #25416DuncKeymaster
Hi Luke
Fantastic first post. I thought I’d add a few links to resources that will help, Its down to you if you use them.
Gamblock As you’ve found out excluding from online sites can leave the door open. Installing blocking software will remove the ability to gamble. Also it may be worth considering setting up a new email address and close the other one down. If you do please remember to change your email within GT
Gamblers Anonymous Ireland is an organization set up and run by gamblers to support gamblers in their recovery.
Gamblers Anonymous (G.A.) is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from a gambling problem.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling.
Please also remember the online groups and helpline, Its all freeTake Care
Harry
-
11 June 2014 at 10:53 pm #25417veraParticipant
Hi Luke and welcome to GT!
Sitting, penniless in the aftermath of a gambling outburst is probably one of the worst and one of the best places we could ever find ourselves.
Worst, because of the pain, guilt,remorse and shock .
Best, because from this point onwards things can only get better . (That is, of course if we sincerely want to avoid a repeat of recent ‘mistakes’)
Here lies the ten dollar question Luke!
Do we want to stop?
As a CG , I must be honest and say I never really wanted to stop gambling! I just HAD to stop! Of course I have had my moments similar to your above description of the “hangover”, when I swore “never again, this is it”or sentiments to that effect, BUT (and there is always a ‘but’) the human mind has the capacity to obliterate the pain and loss that gambling brings and in time a CG succumbs to the addiction and the habit of doing all the old familiar things and visiting the comfort zones creeps up again and in the blink of an eye we find ourselves back to where we started and the cycle continues secula seculorum . That, Luke is the reality of this progressive “illness”unless of course we get wise fast (something I regret not doing) and reach out for the bag of tools GT gives and one day at a time, learn to use those tools to implement change….
Recovery comes ONLY when we change. “What did you do differently” will become a regular question …..
My advice for now is to grasp this chance of recovery and don’t wait until the time comes when you look back with regret and say
“It’s such an old habit, I do it without heeding!”Keep reading. Keep posting!
-
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.