22 July 2018 at 6:17 am #6340MeeraParticipant
To give you a brief rundown, my husband is a gambling addict, alcoholic, and rageaholic. He’s been attempting to recover for about 5 years with chronic relapsing. Last year after he confessed to gambling 3 times during our dating relationship, he tried to kill himself with a gun and ended up in the mental hospital for a few days and had another similar event a couple of months later. And also had a suicide attempt in 2013 before I knew him. We live in Texas. He made the decision to self-ban in Oklahoma and Louisiana so this last time he relapsed, he disappeared and turned off his phone and I found out he booked a flight to Minnesota, then went to California and gambled most of our savings away in a matter of days. (Around 40k). When he came back, I gave him an ultimatum (which maybe wasn’t a good idea), but this has destroyed our marriage, my sanity and I’m just an empty shell of my former self. This has taken the life out of me. He’s so verbally abusive and I can’t tell if he’s a narcissist or if it’s just the addiction talking. I told him if he wanted to continue to choose my support, that he would also need to choose to seek treatment in a formal setting and if he chose not to, I was prepared to move out. He makes comments all the time saying something along the lines of, “every time I gamble I want to put a gun to my head.” Anyway, he did agree to go to rehab. However, he’s not been himself since he has returned from his last relapse and has been picking fights. Yesterday morning he asked me for a divorce, said he wasn’t going to rehab because everything is my fault and I’m his trigger and the common thread of his destruction. He cancelled his bed at the facility and has now cut me off financially. Now I’ve asked him to move out since he’s choosing not to get help and when I came home this morning, he did in fact move out. All of his stuff was gone. And I’m devastated. I’m terrified that if he doesn’t get the help he needs that he is going to die of suicide. Especially now that he is moving out, I know he is going to turn to drinking and gambling to cope. Every time he relapses, I’m petrified I’m going to get a call letting me know they have found my husband’s body. I apologize for the long, drawn out story. I just don’t know what to do at this point aside from letting him go, but I don’t want to give up on him yet. But at the moment, I am powerless and helpless because he’s chosen to leave. Will he ever come to his senses? Is all of this the addiction talking? Was everything a lie? He blames me for everything and ive heard it long ago that I’m starting to wonder if he’s correct. I’ll have these battles in my mind… maybe if I respected him more, had more compassion, didn’t give him an ultimatum, I just don’t know. Please help! I still love my husband but I feel so disposable and thrown away by him. I’ve done nothing but stick by him even when he gave me no reason to stay. He always told me how grateful he was for that but now this?!22 July 2018 at 11:54 am #6341velvetModerator
Hello Meera and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team22 July 2018 at 12:31 pm #6342velvetModerator
I am sure your post was very difficult for you to write, so well done.
What I hope to do for you is to allay the terrible battles that are raging in your head because you are definitely not responsible for your husband’s addiction and poor behaviour. I think when we are told something horrible (but untrue) about ourselves, over and over again, in the end we can begin to doubt ourselves and that is one way a manipulator wears us down.
I wish I could tell you that your husband will be safe and that he will take control of the demons that beset him but the choice to take control of his life is his and his alone – only he can save himself.
It is easy to say that giving ultimatums is not the right thing to do but when you are in the eye of the storm of addictive behaviour it often seems to be the only alternative on offer. Please don’t beat yourself up for trying something so understandable.
You have supported him by telling him that you could only go on supporting him if he sought help. You gave him the opportunity to change but he refused it.
You have stood by him through some pretty horrendous times and yet you still love him – this is not the behaviour of someone who doesn’t have compassion.
Your husband has made a choice and for the time being has left; I believe you should take this time while he is away following ‘his’ choice to re-find the person that is you, the unique person who deserves to be cared for. Take this time to regain your self-confidence and self-esteem; take this time to see family and friends, to engage in hobbies and activities that you have put on one side while you have been worrying every hour about your husband’s behaviour. Every day set time aside when thoughts of addiction are forbidden, where you can walk in the open air, see nature around you and be glad to be alive because you are not disposable; your life deserves to have joy in it.
I am going to send this now although I would like to say a lot more. I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and understood. You are in my thoughts and I will be here for you as long as you want me to be.
Speak soon and I will post to you again
Velvet30 September 2018 at 5:54 am #6343konj1978Participant
Is he still working? who made all money he gambled?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.