Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family I don’t think I can do this again. 3 kids and anxiety issues …maybe I should take this as a sign that I need to move on

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  • #4844
    Tiredspouse.
    Participant

    I am so tired and sad and frustrated and scared…I thought that all my struggles were over and that after a year of not gambling my husband would never put me through that he’ll again.

    Because he loves me and the kids etc…blah blah blah

    He had been ignoring me for two weeks now…picking fights with me…twisting my words…talking down to the kids until finally last night he went out and gambled…he planned the relapse…and today after confronting him he is gone again but not before telling me to stay out of his business and we don’t have a real marriage .

    I don’t know if I can do this again. Being broken down so that he doesn’t accept responsibility.

    Vent over.

    #4845
    velvet
    Moderator

    HelloTired Spouse

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

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    #4846
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Tired Spouse
    I am not surprised you are tired and frustrated; anybody reading your first post would feel the same.
    How has your husband managed his gamble-free year, did he go to GA, did he come on this site, did he go into rehab or did he think he didn’t need support and go it alone?
    I appreciate his words to you today are cruel but they are the words of an active CG going off to indulge an addiction that he has allowed back in control – he wan’t going to be deterred from the gamble and he used the nastiest words to get you to back off and not get in his way. I think you have a lot of understanding of his addiction when you recognise that he has planned this relapse and that you don’t think this is on the spur of the moment. What, if anything, do you think triggered this unacceptable behaviour?
    I am going to leave my first reply to you there TS and await your reply. I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but I do believe that controlling it takes a great determination and that the right support is given and accepted.
    Are your children aware that their father has a problem, how old are they?
    Speak soon
    Velvet

    #4847
    Tiredspouse.
    Participant

    Thanks for responding

    He was in rehab . He did go to GA in the beginning but hasn’t been in months because he had it ‘under control’

    We have a 17month old baby and I’m a stay at home mom…I mentioned to him I need some time with friends …maybe a dinner and he flipped…he first said no…then he said I don’t have real friends….then he said it’s like he doesn’t even know me anymore because he thought I was happy with a quiet life….I think this is what triggered it…his own anxiety about me needing time away. He completely twisted my need for a few hours for myself…which I haven’t had since baby was born…into me being unhappy and unsatisfied with my life.

    He has been ignoring me in everyway. I have made attempts to make amends but he has brutally rejected me.

    We recently cleared his hundreds of thousands of gambling debt so that too could be a reason he felt he could go back to old ways.

    I am done with trying to help him or understand his condition…as a devoted wife I have done the research…right now I am questioning if it’s something I can deal with again…

    The evil things he has said to me hurt. And when he has had his fill he is very apologetic…same thing all over again.

    Much respect for spouse’s that stick through it again and again…5 years of hell might be my limit.

    I know I sound bitter. I’m actually a wreck. This is not love…it’s abuse.

    #4848
    Tiredspouse.
    Participant

    The eldest child knows he has a problem…she is 14.

    #4849
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi TS
    Your husband’s actions are unacceptable and I fully appreciate your anger and pain.
    With rehab and GA behind him I suspect will feel the effects of this fall very heavily and although it feels like it is the old behaviour all over again it might not be so. Slips are not necessarily the return to old behaviour, they can frighten the CG so much it strengthens the resolve to live decently and gamble-free.
    Please don’t think I am trying to say roll over, forgive and forget because I am not.
    Have you had good times together in the last year or has it been difficult for you? Did you have support for you when he was in rehab and since he came home? Did you know what to expect from him and did you like the change in him when he entered recovery?
    Early recoveries are tough for both the CG and F&F. CGs change when they enter recovery and the changes are not always the ones that those who love them like. This is nobody’s fault but lack of support leaves loved ones in the dark about what is going on.
    I will leave this for now as it is late but I will write to you again tomorrow. I do not believe you should have to go through this again and again but I hope you can find the strength to listen to your husband when he returns because hopefully you will not hear the same as you have heard before. He can seek support from where he was in rehab; he can talk to our Helpline where he will be understood; he can, if he wants to enough, live a true gamble-free life. He sounds as though there are many things he should be discussing with those who can help him. Only you can know if this is really the end of the line for you. Only you know whether or not this is the man with whom you would walk the extra mile – provided he really embraces a true recovery.
    Speak soon
    Velvet

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