[kin]

I have allowed my full-blown relapse to happen in December 2018. There is really a lot in common between my addiction to substance and behavior.

Firstly, one time is never enough, you desire to do it again. Secondly, it is a progressive illness, I can still stop in the beginning, but a time will come when I cannot stop.

Thirdly, I was able to hit rock bottom in each and every single one of them. With food and alcohol, it affected my health seriously; mentally and emotionally. With sex, it made me do the most immoral and shameful things. With gambling, I would end up broke one day.

When I was acting out my addiction. I ask myself many times. It did not happen to me, I was still able to stop. What is happening?

I found out “again”, it may not have happened immediately, but slowly and surely, it will happen to me one day, without fail.

It was sick to say that I was grateful and contented to feel vulnerable, this feeling kept me vigilant and cautious. I love to do all the wrong things when I do not feel weak and vulnerable.

I was feeling confident, hopeful, manageable with everything, I wanted to have more fun, excitement and money before I made the most foolish decision and took the biggest gamble to relapse.  

It wouldn’t have happened if I was not selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. I do not care about anyone except my desire to feed my thought and feeling. It happens because I put myself first before God, my family and everything else.

I was thankful to be bankrupt financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically but alive. I could have lost my life, end up in jail or get hospitalize this time.

Tomorrow will be a brand new day and new year to start my day one free of self-destructive behavior.

[jen3]

Best wishes Kin! Why not today for a better tomorrow?? (Meaning why wait until tomorrow?)

[vera]

The New Year is a good time to start again, Kin.
You are not alone.
The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Time for us to balance the books .
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[kin]

Substance and behavior abuse can make me feeling numb and slow to change. Gambling can change me into a very cold person and stubborn to change. I become so selfish and ignore the feeling and needs of everyone except myself..

Everything was in order but I was not satisfied. I must do something about things when i dont really need to do anything about them and mess up everything.

 I will strive to make 2019 a better one than 2018. The time is now.

[kin]

Jesus tells the story of Lazarus and the rich man to show the great reversal that is coming at death. ~ Luke 16:24–25

“[The rich man] called out, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the end of his finger in water and cool my tongue, for I am in anguish in this flame.’ But Abraham said, ‘Child, remember that you in your lifetime received your good things, and Lazarus in like manner bad things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in anguish.’”

Apostle Paul says “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”~ Philippians 1:21

To live is Christ” means that we are willing to give up anything that prevents us from having Christ. Christ is our focus, and center in mind, heart, body and soul.

[lizbeth4]

I’m wishing you a Happy New Year! Tomorrow is a new year and a new start! You can do this!

[kin]

I started and begin with watching and thinking about doing wrong, etc. example reading, watching and hearing people talk about gambling, watching porno, reading about good food, recalling the fun and high I get from alcohol..

It look so harmless but one day when the mind loses all control, I started to do all the thing I wish but forbid myself to do. It was one of the most foolish and risky thing I did.

Today I can tell myself that it is really not worth it to test myself.

It can do a lot of harm and damage to my soul.

I should have listen to what everyone tells me.

[kin]

I did not enjoy doing the binge drinking, gambling, eating or sex. I thought I would love doing it and wish for them but when I had the chance, I did not enjoy it at all, it was sick.

I was living a lie, they brought no value to my life except evil, harm, disgrace, shame, corruption, and destructions. 

I allow it to happen, it started small in the beginning, it is very subtle, sneaky and cunning before I self destruct completely.

[kin]

Love God, love others
Principle before personalities
Interest before self

Whenever I become self-centered, and not willing to sacrifice my selfish interest for God, my family and others, I am in trouble. I need to put in place activity everyday to remind me of that.

When I become blind, I cannot see. When I forget, I cannot remember the reasons why I was staying stop and doing what I was doing.

[kin]

Last year was not the most peaceful and quiet year, I had to adapt to the changes and stay on course for many months.

There were 2 periods, near April and October which gave me a bigger setback, both times are triggered by fear, frustration, helplessness and insecurity from my job.

The most horrible thing in 2018 was doing things that are morally unacceptable, disgraceful and shameful.

The most pleasant thing in 2018 was discovering the benefits of fasting and its relationship with giving up doing the things I love most.

2019. I will not gamble to provide for the family and I will not abuse substance. 

[lizbeth4]

Kin, I wish you a great 2019!!! You deserve it!

[kin]

Jesus begins by contrasting two different people: 1) a rich man who is dressed very nicely and eats very well each day, and 2) the poor man named Lazarus who is lying down at the rich man’s gate. (Luke 16:19-20)

Lazarus is covered with sores, and Jesus illustrates his tragic condition by saying Lazarus longed to eat whatever fell from the rich man’s table and even the dogs licked his sores. (Luke 16:21)

Both of these men die. Just as it was in life, there is again a huge contrast between them after death. The poor man is carried off by angels to be with Abraham, whereas the rich man is buried and ends up in Hades. (Luke 16:22-23)

While being tormented, the rich man calls out to Abraham and Lazarus, who can both be seen far away. The rich man says that he is tormented in flames and he wants Lazarus to dip even just the tip of his finger in water, in order to cool his tongue. (Luke 16:24)

Abraham responds to the rich man saying that he lived in great comfort while on earth, while Lazarus lived in agony, so now the opposite is true and Lazarus is comforted. (Luke 16:25)

Abraham then tells him that no one can cross between the two places, because a great chasm separates them. (Luke 16:26)

The rich man then begs Abraham to send Lazarus back to earth, so that he can warn the rich man’s brothers in hopes that they will not have to come to the place of torment that the rich man is in. (Luke 16:27-28)

However,Abraham responds by saying that the rich man’s five brothers already have Moses and the prophets, and that the brothers should listen to them. (Luke 16:29)

The rich man still insists that his brothers will repent if someone comes back from the dead, but Abraham responds that if the five brothers “do not listen to Moses and the prophets, neither will they be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.” (Luke 16:30-31)

In the parable, we can see how it turns out for those who love money and live well, while others remain poor and suffer.

As Jesus tells the Pharisees in Matthew 23:23, they love their money and neglect the important matters of the law, such as justice, mercy, and faith.

The story also illustrates how God has already warned everyone through Moses and all the prophets by: 1) giving us His law, and 2) Warning us to obey it 

According to the story, this evidence of the law and prophets is sufficient enough that:

1) Those who would listen, do listen, and

2) Those who don’t listen, wouldn’t listen even if someone was raised from the dead.

[kin]

I have never read this parable until today. The message highlight and address my disobedient to God and the recovery program.

What can I say? I am lost for words.

I will be send to hell if I do not repent and continue to be disobedient.

[jen3]

Happy New Year Kin!! I hope you experience Gods Mercy, Grace and Love as well. You deserve it.

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_KzU8M3jbs

[vera]

Good message, Kin.
Worth watching.
Satan is a bluffer!
Happy New Year.

[jen3]

Thanks for sharing Kin… I feel like a fool for taking the bait so many times…. Not today! No more!

[kin]

[kin]

declares the LORD. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

[jen3]

Thanks Kin. Another Great message!!!!

[kin]

Sometime I have more but I worry that it is not enough and fall into the devil ‘s trap. Today I have so little but it help me to pay my bill and I still have some leftover, they are enough.

[kin]

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

[kin]

I am not making the same mistake I made last year. When I was not happy at work around this time last year and knew I will soon be out of a job and income. I was worried that the money is not enough. I used the 3K I had to gamble at the baccarat table in the casino, I turn 3K into 10K “again”. I used those money to clear my credit card bills and gave some to the family.

The story doesn’t end here. I resign from the company in April and I continue to gamble after that. I loses everything I won and everything available to me. I used up all my credits and loans. In the end, I lost more than I win “again”.

The story was the same every time, gambling was a progressive illness, slowly I will become more and more impulsive and compulsive until one day I cannot stop and loses everything.

I took the wrong way to find money and pay the price for my stupidity and foolishness.

There is Hope.

[kin]

The devil will use every way to find one that works. Food, porn and alcohol will open the floodgate to gambling for me in the end. These activities was comforting, look harmless to others but it does the same to my mind, exactly like what drugs and gambling do to my brain, you can see what is happening if you do a brain scan as proven in many studies.

Studies have shown that the same does not happen to a normal person on the street when they did the same brain scan, it only work on an addict.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF5SzIN63w8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f1nmqiHIII

“Gambling is not a failure of will.

It is a brain disorder, which is preyed upon by the gambling industry.

Once you have become addicted, it is very hard to stop because you have changed your brain.

Addiction is a brain that has changed.”

~ Expert of addiction Professor David Nutt

[kin]

I can remember that feeling I had in December 2018 but could not find the words to describe them.

Today I found these words to describe those feeling. I was disconnecting to God and connecting to the world. I could sense something is wrong but I could not tell or see what was wrong.The feeling was strong and growing stronger until the day I cannot stop what I was doing..

The message and solution I receive today. Prayer is connecting to God and fasting is disconnecting to the world.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin,
This is so strange .
I decided to drop by and wish you a happy new year.
I was then going to go and post on my own thread about how I had left God behind and am trying to go it alone .
Then I read your post and it described exactly how I was feeling- disconnected from God and connected to a world which really doesn’t want to know if I am ok.

I am going to pose the question – if addiction can change the brain , surely it must be possible to change it back again?
Like when we practice the piano we become really good. Maybe if we really abstain from even gambling thoughts our brains will change back?
I have no ideabut I reckon science will soon discover how.

Perhaps fasting is the cure- the bible talks about fasting and the bible is never wrong . Perhaps fasting can change our brain chemistry ?

Hope you have a great year Kin.

[jen3]

How are you doing Kin??? It sounds like you might of slipped by your post on another’s thread?? I hope I misunderstood. Either way I want you to know your post have had a great impact one. Please keep trying and keep coming back. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[kin]

Hi Jen,
I am just taking one day at a time, trying to work hard to keep my job and manage the current situation.
It helps when I can remember my vulnerability and weakness. I was trigger by fear and insecurity around this time last year and trying to stay mindful this year not to repeat the same mistake.
Hoping this year will be a better one than last.

[Vertical12]

Hello Kin,

Try to remember these awful feelings when you were gambling. This thought hopefully will help you stay away. Moreover music helps me very much to control my stress. I hope this year will be a great one for you. Keep fighting day by day whatever the price and the results will come.

[kin]

For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession.

[kin]

Problem gambler made the foolish mistake to gamble with money that do not belong to them. They would borrow, cheat, lie and steal to place their next bet. They could not stop gambling.

[kin]

Doing both alcohol and drugs is bad but doing both alcohol and gambling is no better. The price is very heavy. Any person can be sober for many years but one heavy binge lasting for many days can risk losing everything and lasting damage. Not everyone is so fortunate to live to tell their story.

[kin]

I cannot describe how I feel, I am not my normal self, I am not in total control of myself, I would do or say thing that I dont normally do everyday. 

Sometime, I suspect that I am crazy, something in the head is not right, it could be some chemical or hormones imbalance in the brain, I really dont know , I do feel mentally exhausted.

It is time like this that I will do something to correct my feeling, the first drink, the first gamble, the first everything when all I need to do is nothing and rest.

I will feel better when I wake up. I am sleeping early tonight.

first sensible thing I do in a long long time.

Update: feeling better now after 5 hours sleep

[kin]

Sleep and proper rest was my medicine. The self-discipline and self-control returns, I could focus and concentrate at work and home. My mind was not drifting and I was vigilant and alert. I am not saying or doing thing that I was not suppose to do.
Thank God for the peace and joy today.

[kin]

Without the alcohol in my body, there is more clarity in my thought and feeling. I can see the difference between what I want and what I need more clearly.

The alcohol certainly have affected my ability to stay stop in other addiction. I used to binge on alcohol every week in the past but only drank twice in 2017 and 3 times in 2018 in my recovery.

Thank God for the calm, peace and manageability in my life today.

[vera]

Hello Kin, When our life is in a mess it usually means we are following our own will and ignoring God’s Will. Look around you… The world is in a mess. Man is not God but many people act as if there is no Greater Power. Only in God is my soul at rest….in Him comes my Salvation.Psalm 62

[kin]

We are getting more and more disconnected to God and getting more and more connected to the world.

Our message and solution:

Prayer is connecting to God and fasting is disconnecting to the world.

Psalm 62. A psalm of David

1 Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.                            

2 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault me? Would all of you throw me down— this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 Surely they intend to topple me from my lofty place; they take delight in lies. With their mouths they bless, but in their hearts they curse.

5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God^c ; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

9 Surely the lowborn are but a breath, the highborn are but a lie. If weighed on a balance, they are nothing; together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion or put vain hope in stolen goods; though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: “Power belongs to you, God,

12 and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”; and, “You reward everyone according to what they have done.”

[vera]

Very consoling, Kin.
“Heaven and Earth will pass away, but My Word will not pass away”

[kin]

You have just send me an answer. I knew something was wrong but I do not have the wisdom to know what was and cannot find the word to describe them until now.

I was made a minority in the office, I was the only local in a team of 6. Most of them come from a nearby asian catholic country of 100 millions. There are only 3.5 million local in this piece of land of measuring 50 km from east to west and 27 km from north to south, it is a very small country.

Psalm 62 describe people who take delight in lie; they blessed with their mouth and curse with their heart. These words remind me of these “always smiling and friendly” people who will gang up to victimize the lonely one to keep their job.

They are not underpaid here, one year of salary here can fully paid up one condominum in their home country, the same condominium here will cost me at least 26 years of salary…this explain why they are willing to do what they are doing for money, for them is about building their wealth and getting rich, for me here is about covering living expenses and survival. 

They are the foreign talent who are expected to be able to do more than the local like me, unfortunately I am a proven average performer who become a top performer among this group of under performing foreigners in the office “again”, during the first 3 months I am here.

Thank God, I am fully aware that I was a sinner and wrong for me to judge and condemn others. The vengence is not mine, let God.

In reality, if I do not know how to love these unlovable people, how could a “selfish, self-centered, self seeking” gambler like me know how to treasure and love the lovable family members and friends around me.

God has help me to do things I cannot do in recovery for many years now, all the good things that has happen felt like a miracle to me. My family will never imagine this day when an irresponsible gambler like me can bring home money every month. God has promise to provide, God has delivered. I saw myself broken and bankrupt, I never dream that one day I can handover a near 6 figure lump sum to my enabler to made amend, God has made the impossible possible, this day is nearing. Recovery is full of wonderful hope!

Thank God for teaching me to be humble and loving.

[kin]

When I practice loving the unlovable, I become the unconditional giver of love and not the receiver, it does made me feel and look like a good man, I became humble on the outside but I did not feel the change inside, I don’t think I have lost the proud and arrogant me inside. I was still the same a.s.s.h.o.l.e

I continue to believe and practice. Today I suddenly realized that I was the real unlovable, not those people I judge, condemn and called unlovable.

God has been loving me all these time despite all the sinful thing I did, there was nothing lovable about me, this feeling inside really bring me down to earth and eat humble pie.

When I reach the office, I tried to made amend and continue to love the same people I call unlovable.

[kin]

Once upon a time, I do not need a clock to tell me but when the day and time arrive, my body will scream out loud, I will automatically feel the intense urge to gamble. If I did not gamble, my anxiety level, discomfort would grow stronger and stronger, when I do not have the money, I will borrow to feed this monster / devil / master / habit / addiction. I was a slave to gambling which had an evil grip over my life.

It was easier said than doing. I remember it was very stressful to fight and resist the urge when I was still a slave, It felt like I was imprisoned and lost all my freedom, I was trapped by the gambling and debt.

Like all prison term, The harder and more serious I gamble, the longer my prison term, however, I can be free and save one day. I can regain my freedom not to gamble, but …after I regain my freedom, do I want to lose this freedom again?

Thank you God for granting me the peace, joy, calm and freedom not to gamble today.

There are reasons for me to be grateful when I choose not to gamble. There is Hope!

[kin]

My freedom does not give me the freedom to do everything like any normal person. Trying to live like them has got me into trouble every single time.

When I try to be normal like them every single time, I forget what I cannot do and become careless and foolish, diabetic cannot have sugar; compulsive gambler cannot gamble.

I was stubborn and ignorant enough to think that I can do the same. These actions doesn’t hurt a normal healthy person, but it will bring me pain and suffering.

Treatment for both diabetes and gambling need me to exercise self-control and give up sugar and gambling.

I have gamble when I should not, I have eaten food that I should not, I have drank alcohol when I should not, I have acted out in other behavior that I should not out of foolishness.

HOPEFULLY I LEARN MY LESSON

If I stop doing things that I should not, my life can be beautiful and positive like any normal person.

If I gamble, I will lose my life.

[kin]

The stress from resisting the urge to gamble is short term and temporary but the stress, pain and suffering from gambling loses can be longer, repaying gambling debt can takes months and years in some case.

Is it worth it to gamble?

[i-did-it]

Hi kin ,
No it is not worth it to gamble .
I like how you compare the two stresses or pressures .
Sometimes the urge to gambling makes it feel like my head is about to explode , but it passes eventually. The aftermath of gambling , the worry and extra pressures it brings last so much longer.

PS you are a normal person – all normal people have their own weaknesses . This just happens to be ours.
Xx

[kin]

Romans 7:14-25

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.

17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.

18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

The Thorn in the Flesh – 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

⁷ And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure.

⁸ Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me.

⁹ And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Dear diary,

I suddenly panic ( panick attack – overpowering feeling of fear affecting me immediately )and pressed the self-destructive button. I watch and notice how my heart, mind and action were not in line. I knew I was not well but I did not stop myself.

My experience did not help me. I did not do what my mind tell me to do and did what I was not supposed to to do.

My willpower and determination fail me. My action was trigger and influence by the thing I see around me and the feeling inside my heart.

I have fail countless times everytime depending on my own strength. On my own free will, my ignorant, foolishness and arogant self chose not to flee from the devil. It was a mistake to dance with the devil.

After my wrongdoing, I wanted to avoid all these people I love, trusted and disappoint, I was ashamed to face them. I make the mistake and they have to pay the price for loving me. I have hurt them and damage our relationship.

I have lost this battle one more time. Awareness of my weakness concerning sin is not the end of my road. I must keep soldiering on and win this war for the glory of God. I am not giving up! 

Do you know where to turn for strength?

I am sure God will show His perfect strenght in my weakness. Amen!

[vera]

You write well and you speak Truth, Kin but I have difficulty knowing if your post refers to a recent “sin” i.e a recent gambling episode or if you are speaking about”falling away”in general terms?
You use the present tense a lot.
Please excuse my misunderstanding.

[kin]

You are right, I was writing about the present.

It was all about what is happening to me now, what I am going thru and what was my feeling. I am no different from Sister Monica, Lizbeth4, Jen, Laura, I did it and you. Everything must happen for a reason.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

The most terrible relapse has happen to me, I did not think it was possible after all my years of experience in gambling and recovery. It was a sign. Thank God.

I guess this is the passage I have to go thru before I learn how to surrender 100% to God.

[lizbeth4]

Kin, I’m sorry about your relapse. I know all the feelings that you are going through from my past relapses. What can you do differently when you get urges again? Are there any other barriers you can put in place? Keep trying. We will never be happy till we are gamble free.

[kin]

I just woke up from my sleep and reply to an earlier message from Vera. My relapse is affecting me very much, I think about them in the day and even in my sleep. When I woke up today, I hear a message to turn to the story of Job in the bible.

Job Loses Everything

13 Job’s sons and daughters were having a feast in the home of his oldest son, 14 when someone rushed up to Job and said, “While your servants were plowing with your oxen, and your donkeys were nearby eating grass, 15 a gang of Sabeans[a] attacked and stole the oxen and donkeys! Your other servants were killed, and I was the only one who escaped to tell you.”

16 That servant was still speaking, when a second one came running up and saying, “God sent down a fire that killed your sheep and your servants. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

17 Before that servant finished speaking, a third one raced up and said, “Three gangs of Chaldeans[b] attacked and stole your camels! All of your other servants were killed, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

18 That servant was still speaking, when a fourth one dashed up and said, “Your children were having a feast and drinking wine at the home of your oldest son, 19 when suddenly a windstorm from the desert blew the house down, crushing all of your children. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

20 When Job heard this, he tore his clothes and shaved his head because of his great sorrow. He knelt on the ground, then worshiped God 21 and said:

“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!”

22 In spite of everything, Job did not sin or accuse God of doing wrong.

Dear diary,

I have experience this awesome God yesterday that gives me and take away from me. In my darkest moment, the most impossible happen, I receive abundant from God. God is telling me He is here.

This is my story

I was lost and confuse when I approach the money lender to help me when I have none. They told me I had a bad history in their record and turn me down. I cannot imagine that these high interest blood sucker will turn me away. Thank God those money lender was blind and turn me away, I was saved from a lot of misery.

Who intervene and save me?

The same night, something happen, I saw abundant money in my bank account. The one and only bank I apply for a credit line the previous night has approve my application.

Those money lender say I got a bad history but the bank must have saw my good credit rating.

This is when the real message and lesson for me start !!!

I have not surrender 100% to God, my self-will run riot. I could not manage these gifts. Unless I surrender 100% to God, my enemy will take these gifts away from me; I will gamble them away.

I did not wish to be honest about this part but I must do this to give glory to God.

The Truth has surface. I have not surrender to God 100%. After I receive the abundant cash, my self-will took over and the rest is history. I lost most of the money away.

God has promise and delivered. My trust in God only grew stronger from this experience.

Now I also cannot hide that I have not surrender 100% to God, I cannot deceive myself, the truth is so obvious that I cannot lied to myself anymore.

God was faithful to us but I was not faithful to God and I suffer the consequences.

Sister Lizbeth4 ask me what I am going to do differently next time, I can only say that I am going to learn how to surrender to God completely to the best of my ability.

I have not done my best! I have not done anough! I can do better! Wrong again.That is me, I , myself, my ego talking…Without God, I am nothing! I am setting myself up to fail.

I am going to turn to God to help me surrender to Him 100%. By the mercy and grace of God, I will finish this year strong.

[kin]

The money I lost is equivalent to what I return to my sister in a year. This is a huge sum of money to me and the family.

I just did a reality check and look at my damage. If I do not stop here and not use this as a turning point. I am heading for a endless rock bottom. I have everything I need right now to clean up this mess I created but I felt something was wrong, I am feeling very impatient and very uncertain.

I was Shock this major relapse happened. Not surprise because it has happened many times in the past in the last 13 years.

I was not on drug, I was not intoxicated but I feel like I was in a daze and I remember I could not think straight and I cannot understand the consequences of my irresponsible action at the time. What was wrong?

Did the current work drained me out mentally and I make matter worst by making myself physically exhausted too.

The family acted like nothing has happen tonight, they look very normal to me but I think the family was just as shock as me when they saw a different me last night. That was a dangerous and familiar old me that brought chaos and havoc, pain and suffering to the family.

[kin]

“We bring nothing at birth; we take nothing with us at death. The LORD alone gives and takes. Praise the name of the LORD!” ~ Job 1:21

[kin]

10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven,

for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Dear diary,

I was afraid to be persecuted for righteousness and made all the wrong choices to escape and gamble. It was a mistake.

[kin]

I was a gambler… With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[jen3]

Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[jen3]

Amen! I am very grateful for God’s grace.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

Nowaday, in the morning before work, I will say The Lord’s Prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father, Honor be thy name May your WILL be done on earth as it is done in heaven Forgive me my debt as I forgive me my debtor Grant me my daily bread today Protect me from the evil ones Do not let me fall into temptations Thy Kingdom, The Power, Thy Glory forever, and forever In Jesus almighty name, Amen!

After I finish work in the night everyday, I decide to made the positive confession.

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I have allowed my full-blown relapse to happen in December 2018.
There is really a lot in common between my addiction to substance and behavior.
Firstly, one time is never enough, you desire to do it again. Secondly, it is a progressive illness. I can still stop in the beginning, but a time will come when I cannot stop. Thirdly, I was able to hit rock bottom in each and every single one of them.
With food and alcohol, it affected my health seriously; mentally and emotionally. With sex, it made me do the most immoral and shameful things. With gambling, I would ended up broke one day.
When I was acting out my addiction recently. I ask myself many times. It has not happened to me yet, I was still able to stop. What is happening? I found out “again”, it may not have happened immediately, but slowly and surely, it will happen to me one day, without fail.
It was sick to say that I was grateful and contented to feel vulnerable, this feeling kept me vigilant and cautious because I love to do all the wrong things when I do not feel weak and vulnerable. I was feeling hopeful, manageable and confident that I can manage my life, before I made the most foolish decision and took the biggest gamble to relapse.
It wouldn’t have happened if I was grateful and contented and not selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. It happens because I put myself first before God, my family and everything else. I do not care about anyone except my desire to feed my thought and feeling.
My action caused me to be bankrupt financially, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. Worst still, I could have lost my life, end up in jail or hospital.

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear what happened. What do u think triggered it? Seeing such a lot of money in your account? I remember once ringing the bank to ask what I had in my business account and it was a lot and I spent the next week promptly blowing it on gambling to a point of no way back from it and losing the business eventually. It happens with this addiction. At those points I was in full self destruct mode and there were many underlying reasons that I had to work through. We can’t gamble kin, it really is as simple as that. We just cannot do it. Xmas is a difficult time and I even got addicted this Xmas for a month to a stupid computer game. I had to stop,it for my own well-being. I didn’t like what it did to my consciousness ad physical health. I permanently deleted it. It didn’t damage my finances but I spent money on it.
Every morning I try and start the day with scripture and tuning in to God and Jesus. It helps the day so much. All is well kin. Pick yourself up from this, look at what triggered you. Go and use the supports u have in place. Is New Year’s Eve significant? Please forgive yourself. It happened and we move on with resolve. Treat it like a nut allergy, we just can’t do it or we end up hurting ourselves. Peace and may the blessings of Christ be with you.

[kin]

Hi Monica, Thank you for this loving post.

These trigger are just my guess.

1. I was focusing on my problem and feeling, and have taken my eyes off God.

2. When the new year arrive, I tried to be a good brother and son by contributing double the usual money to the family. I was really stressed by the festive season, I do not have a buffer or surplus saving for it. I had the same feeling last year.

I have met my mentor and confess everything to him last week, one of my takeaway from this meeting was positive confession. He shared with me how negative confession can invite Satan into our lives. This is a spiritual war for me.

I cannot gamble and I am turning to God.

Sister Monica, you are a inspiration and a good role model for me in the last 18 months. I plan to do the same. The relationship with the family is good, and I have a stable income by the mercy and grace of God. 

God was faithful to me, I must be faithful to God, I need to be patient, and discipline in my repayment plan, my finance will improve in 10 months time. I am grateful for everything.

[lizbeth4]

All you can do is move forward. I do believe that God is a forgiving God. Stay focused.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4, 

I really appreciate your moral support and thank you for kind words! I just copied and paste some thing I post on 23rd February 2016.

Matthew 14:27 > When the disciples saw Jesus walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear.

Matthew 14:28 > Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

Matthew 14:29 > “Come,” Jesus said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

Matthew 14:30 > But when Peter saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:31 > Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

Below are some similar teaching

“Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end.” Hebrews 12:2 (GNT)

In dog obedience training, they put a dog at one end of a room and its master at the other end of the room, with a plate of food in the middle. And then the master calls the dog. If the dog eyes the food, he’s a goner; he’ll go straight for it. So they teach the dog to focus his eyes on the master. If the dog keeps his eyes on the master, he won’t be tempted. Instead of heading for the food, he’ll head straight to the master.

You need to keep your eyes on your master or you’ll get distracted. Get your mind off your circumstances and your problems and focus on God’s goodness to you in your past, his closeness to you in your present and his power to help you in your future.

[kin]

The apostle Paul wrote: “ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living with every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.” For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )

Serenity is having an inner calm in the midst of ups and down of life.

[Monica1]

It is a spiritual war, it always was for me. It all started as a crisis of faith for me. But, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Xmas and the New Year is a difficult time for us. Many relapse. I know when in action I went bananas gambling at Xmas. So next Xmas I will be more vigilant.

[jen3]

Definitely spiritual warfare. I noticed almost everyone who is a believer struggles or struggled way more than those who are not.. Devil rather mess with someone in a relationship with God than someone who’s not. Just my two cents. With that being said we know what to do to avoid the Devils trap… thinking and praying for you Kin.

[kin]

I was a gambler. With God’s grace…I am no longer in Jesus almighty name. Amen!

[kin]

 The apostle Paul wrote:

“ I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little.

I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.

I have learned the secret of living with every situation,

whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.”

For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. ( Philippians 4:11-13 )

Hi Jen,

Thank you for the prayer. You are in my thought and I have prayed for you too.

[kin]

I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need to live happily and peacefully with much or little, on almost nothing or with everything, full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self, the help that should have only come from God.

[kin]

Repeat the following prayer loudly to be delivered from the Occult, Evil Spirits and evil thoughts, words or deeds.

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I renounce all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons. Under the authority of Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I renounce all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I renounce every cult that denies the blood of Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God.

I confess my sin of gambling and also those occult sins I cannot remember.

I renounce all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1John 1:9).

I renounce Satan and all his works. I c.o.u.n.t them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

I renounce the evil spirits which entered through my thought, eyes, participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all filth which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through actual participation in sin.

In particular, I confess the following: all preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and indulgences of them; all longing and ardent desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thought, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages. In Jesus Christ’ name I ask. – Amen.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I find GT so important to my progress and growth in recovery. I am really thankful to the management, the staff and the fellow recovery person on this site.

GT was a gem and treasure box for my recovery. I was able to revisit my journal during one of the darkest period in my recovery a few years back. I remember being hunted by money lenders, heavily in debts, relationship with my family members was not good and I cannot share my problem with them, I was jobless and broke, my 89 years old mother was getting in and out of hospital, the most life threatening one was the cancer plus my physical and mental health was bad.

How did I survive and walk out of all that? I cannot remember very clearly anymore.

GT provided what I need. I revisited my journal from that period to remember the kind of stress, pain and suffering, vulnerability, helplessness and hopelessness I was under.

Where did all the strength come from?

How did I survive with almost nothing, empty, or little with hope, gratitude, contentment, joy and happiness. I can remember that it was so bad and I was near to giving up, I have nothing left except God and a praying man who became my mentor today to walk with me and a journal in GT.

Thank you God, my mentor and GT for the memories and support!

[kin]

Year 2019 is setting me up for something different in recovery.
They say that fasting get me disconnected to the world and prayer get me connected to God.
I watched and notice how my life in the last one week has been change and the focus was more on prayer and not gambling after the last meeting with my mentor. I felt the change and read my journal to confirm. I was actually reading and quoting more scriptures in the last few years and little or none prayer.
I was never able to pray like now in my life simply because firstly, I don’t have a Higher Power, secondly, after I found a Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, I don’t know what to pray and how to pray even though I have been reciting the serenity prayer in the last 13 years attending GA and AA meetings.

Isaiah 43:7 KJV:
every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory

Glory belongs to our God and Father forever and ever! Amen.

[kin]

I don’t know why? I don’t understand why?

After my mentor prayed for me in the last meeting, I was not even worried at all about the aftermath of my last gambling loss now. I had this calm and stability everyday like nothing has happen.

When the priority was set in the right place. With God leading everything, the strong family support and the stable job. This is going to be a good year by the mercy and grace of God. I really believe this is going to be the beginning of many good years.

I have money but I don’t gamble by God’s grace.

[finding_laura]

Happy New Year Kin, I know I am a month late, life has been tough for me lately, but I am plodding along the best I can. One foot in front of the other. I am not gambling, thankfully. I pray that this is a great year for you. You have made so much effort it would be good to see you reap the benefit of a relatively calm gamble free life. Take care brother Kin! luv Laura

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons. Under the authority of Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I reject all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I reject every cult that denies the blood of Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God. I confess my sin of gambling and also those sins I cannot remember.

I reject all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

I reject Satan and all his works. I c.o.u.n.t. them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

I reject the evil spirits which entered through my thought, eyes, participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all sins which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through my actual participation.

In particular, I confess all my preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and indulgences of them; all craving thought, urge, desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thought, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages. In Jesus Christ almighty name I ask. Amen.

[kin]

To struggle with sin is part of being a Christian.

1 John 1:9  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

In 1 John 1:9 reveals that Christians still sin, but the proof a person is a Christian is that they repent and turn away from their sins.

Proverbs says, The Holy Spirit will help us to be honest about our own sin.

He knows our heart, For He knows the secrets of the heart. Psalms 44:21 (NASB)

In Romans 7:14-15 the apostle Paul admits he struggles with sin. For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Romans 7:14-15 (NASB)

Then in Romans 7:24 he complains, Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Romans 7:24 (NASB)

This reveals that a real Christian will struggle with sin and here is an apostle who is struggling with sin. Real Christians will increasingly struggle with their sin.

The proof a person is filled with the Spirit is that they will be sinning less (Romans 8:13-14).

In Romans 8:13-14

¹³For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

¹⁴For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God.

[kin]

If we do not confess our sin after we sin, we will suffer. Then the Holy Spirit will discipline us (Hebrews 12:4-13) until we confess our sins to Him.

As David said, it is against God and God only that we sin.

Hebrew 12: 4-13

4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.

5And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the LORD’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6because the LORD disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

8If you are not disciplined-and everyone undergoes discipline-then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live!

10They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.

11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.

13″Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

[kin]

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Luke 22:32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

Focus on God, and not on the situation in life

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler… With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[vera]

I am a compulsive gambler…and always will be,
BUT ONLY WHEN I PLACE THE FIRST BET
Today, by God’s Grace, I will not gamble.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons. Under the authority of Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I reject all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I reject every cult that denies the blood of Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God. I confess my sin of gambling and also those sins I cannot remember.

I reject all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

I reject Satan and all his works. I c.o.u.n.t. them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

I reject the evil spirits which entered through my thought, eyes, participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all sins which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through my actual participation.

In particular, I confess the following: all preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and indulgences of them; all craving thought, urge, desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thought, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages. In Jesus Christ almighty name I ask. Amen.

[kin]

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self the help that should have only come from God. I confess my sin of gambling and also those sins I cannot remember.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

[kin]

What motivated me to place the first bet ?

My initial thought was self-centered fear and greed, my self-justification and self-righteousness. 

Fear has been called the most self-centered of all emotions because it is generated by a perceived high degree of threat to what we believe is our well-being. 

What is Self-centered fear? 

A.A. defines self centered fear as:

1. “Fear of not getting something we want or

2. “Fear of losing something we already have.” or

3.” Fear of losing something we never really had”.

Self-justification is a defense of some failure to keep a promise. If a person can justify their behavior it means that what they are doing is reasonable. Self-justification was the maker of excuses; excuses for placing the first bet.

What is Self-righteousness?

When I was self-righteous, I thought I was following the rules and doing the right thing.

Self-righteousness is a feeling that I am right in my beliefs, attitudes, and behavior and that other people are wrong.

I should not have listen to my self-will talking, these happen before the first bet.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin

God can remove all illnesses and afflictions – He is all powerful and I totally believe in the power of His healing .
There have been many testimonies of people addicted to drugs and living on the streets having theirs lives totally transformed by the power of God .

As you probably know I am not one for labels but I like how you have put it Kin.
There is little point in us professing our faith in God and then not trusting Him to do what we profess he can do.

Through the power of God may we all no longer have an addciton to gambling .
I feel your message is God inspired .
Too many people tell us this is for life – why should any illness be for life – especially now as we have a greater understanding of brain plasticity .
I am going to say often
“I was a gambler …With God’s grace, I am no longer ! Amen “

[kin]

The story was about a mountain climber, who wanted to climb the highest mountain. He began his adventure after many years of preparation, but since he wanted the glory just for himself, he decided to climb the mountain alone. The night felt heavy in the heights of the mountains, and the man could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by the clouds.

As he was climbing, only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, he slipped and fell into the air, falling at a great speed. The climber could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. He kept falling… and in those moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close death was getting, when all of a sudden he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard.

His body was hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him, and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice but scream, “HELP ME GOD!!”

All of a sudden, a deep voice coming from the sky answered, “What do you want Me to do?”

“Save me God!!”

“Do you really think I can save you?”

“Of course I believe You can.”

“Then cut the rope tied to your waist.”

There was a moment of silence and the man decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength.

The rescue team found the climber dead and frozen on the next day…his body hanging from a rope – His hands holding tight to the rope only 10 feet away from the ground.

Cut off the gambling!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin for the Blessings video that you shared on my thread. I really needed it!!!

[Grannie.1962]

I am new to this and I want and need help to stop gambling. I appreciate reading how you are managing. I don’t know how to make my own thread.

[lizbeth4]

Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page. Login-make up a user name and password. I think from there you should be able to start a thread. If not, go to live help. Someone shpuld be able to help you.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others.
Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.
God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.
Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

In John 7:17, Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own.

[kin]

In Mathew 22:37-40 37, Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.

39 And the second is : ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.

40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Dear diary,

God wants us to love even those who are hard to love. Our ability to love others on our own is pretty limited. It’s circumstantial, based on how we feel about the other person and the way he or she treats us.

Without God, I am nothing! But with God’s help, we are able to love others the way Jesus wants us to — unconditionally the way God loves us all the time.

God is helping me to do what I cannot do for myself: loving the unlovable the way God loves an unlovable like me. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I thought of gambling today, but as long as I did not gamble, I have not sin.

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character.”

Dear diary,

I just woke up after a good night rest, the first thing I want to do is confess. I have been unwell and very tired at work in the last few days, and I found out it was the most vulnerable time for a recovering person. It was the best time for the prowling lion to attack me…I get attack by not only gambling thought but others as well. I remember in 1 Peter 5:8,

Be sober and alert. Your enemy the devil, like a roaring lion, is on the prowl looking for someone to devour.

I have been more focus on God and prayers over the last 3 weeks. I am learning to focus more on God and less on me and my gambling over these days. When I am weak and vulnerable, I need to pray more and pray harder.

Saturday and Sunday are very important days for me to get proper rest physical and mentally. If I lose this discipline to rest, I will continue to be tired for the rest of the days in the new week.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I have proven myself on the new job now. I have proven to my boss and company that I can deliver and do well in my work. I have gain the trust of my suspecting colleagues with unconditional love. I have gain the trust of my unreasonable manager that I can be one of his most reliable asset.

The first 3 months at work was like a battle everyday, it was filled with stress, pressure, fear and obstacles to overcome. That is over now. I have pass the test with God’s grace.

It is now time for me to do some repair work on myself. I have paid a heavy price to keep this job, I have relapse in almost everything, it show in my finance and health, my debt and weight grew…when I say grew, it really grow big…haha.

I will have to find a time to start fasting soon to shed the 8 kg I have put on in such a short period. Everything else is in maintenance and recovery phrase now. If everything remain the same, the gambling has stop, the debts is shrinking over time, I only need to let go and be patient and let God do the rest, things is looking bright come end of the year.

I need God! Without God, I am nothing! God can help me do things that I cannot do for myself.

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf4zJoKwpzs

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzoVAdT4BmM

Endure to the End

[jen3]

Hi Kin! Thanks for checking in on me. You seem to be doing well.??? I might of suggested this before, but I think you would enjoy the book Beyond Addictions by Jeff Rudd. (Google it)

[kin]

Hi Jen,

1. Sins can come through my eyes, my ears, and my thought when I take my eyes off God.

2.Through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I will disobey God’s word.

3.The devil is always prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour.

I must pray to God when I feel vulnerable to gambling and rest instead of gambling when I am physically and mentally tired. Can I do that everyday?

Dear dairy,

Today was one of those day, I just finish my part time job doing a 12 hours graveyard shift work on Saturday.

I came home so tired in the morning. I had gambling thought and felt so weak and vulnerable to resist the temptation to gamble. If I focus on me more and not God, listen more to “me”, my self justification, self righteousness and trust myself, it only made matter worst. I become more tired and weaker, it normally lead to gambling.

I can only remember telling myself to trust God, and give up my self-will today, otherwise I will gamble. I was not a discipline person all the time but I listen this time, and went to sleep.

I woke up after 5 hours of sleep and immediately update this journal. With my mental fatigue gone, the gambling thought was also gone without a struggle.

Just like the apostle Paul say in the bible, I have thorns in my flesh.

I have a tendency to gamble. Can I be trusted? 

Praise the Holy Spirit for giving me the obedience to trust God today. I did not gamble. Praise God. Amen!

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

⁷or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

⁸Three times I pleaded with the LORD to take it away from me.

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

  

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

In Mathew 8:26, Jesus responded to them, “Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.

[kin]

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

Under the authority of Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I reject all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I reject every cult that denies the blood of Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God.

I confess my sin of gambling and also those sins I cannot remember. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I reject all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I reject Satan and all his works. I c.o.u.n.t. them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I reject the evil spirits which entered through my thought, eyes, ears, participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all sins which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through my actual participation in the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

In particular, I confess the following: all preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and the indulgences of them; all the craving thought, urge, desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

In the mighty name of Jesus Christ, I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord Jesus Christ, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You Dear Lord Jesus Christ to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thought, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You Dear Lord Jesus Christ my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages.

In Jesus Christ almighty name I ask. Amen.

[kin]

I gamble when I don’t have enough money and I gamble when I have too much money.

Does this story look familiar. 

Did I trust God to catch me when I am falling down? Did I need God when I have everything in this world?

 

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

Everyone can stop but not everyone want to stay stop Everyone can endure but not everyone want to endure all the way

[TurningMyLifeAround]

Today is my first day I declared a stop yesterday.. Hope to find some positive people with the same goals and ambition as me 

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[vera]

Thanks for posting to my tread, Kin.
God’s grace gives us strength to move mountains-but only if we co operate with His grace.
I will always be powerless over slot machines-but ONLY when I put the first note in the machine.
In the meantime, I am in remission.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[i-did-it]

Well done Kin !

[kin]

My freedom does not give me the freedom to do everything. Trying to be normal here has got me into trouble everytime; a compulsive gambler cannot gamble like a normal person.

Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Dear God, help me to learn my lesson.

[kin]

This is a test.

I have just received my salary and a bigger credit facility from the bank at the same time yesterday. I have much more money than the last time I relapse.

I gambled last time. I want to gamble this time. God knows my heart, God hear my struggles.

How much faith do I have in God? How much can I be trusted to stay gamble free today? I really do not trust myself.

Without God, I am nothing! I would have gamble today but by the grace and mercy of God, I was and remain gamble free today.

Enduring all the way not to gamble today is about trusting God all the way that he will catch me when I am falling down.

Thank God.

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer. Amen!

[kin]

There was a war going inside me in the last 24 hours. One side want me to trust myself, one side want me to trust God and endure all the way. This battle is over now.

The side that chooses the Higher Power won this time, this Higher Power is not me.

[jen3]

Way to go Kin. Let go. Let God!

[kin]

Last pay day, I was tired. I had money. I want to gamble. I gambled.

This pay day, I was tired. I had money. I want to gamble. I pray to God. I did not gamble. All glory to God!

What I want is not what I need, I want to gamble but I dont need to gamble.

[kin]

It was simply incredible when I approach the legal money lender out of desperation, panick and confusion last month and they actually turn me away. I found out my credit rating was good, the bank will likely approve any loan or credit facility I ask but the money lender turn me down.  Somehow I escape from the legal money lender.I will not do this again. I will never forget this day.

[kin]

I was having breakfast just now when I suddenly recall what it felt like gambling a month ago. I was betting half my salary on each bet without any caution and proper risk management. They are all considered highly risky and big bet for me.

I was chasing after a lie and gambling blindly; my mind was all cloudy, I was in a daze and numb, it was in a trance like state, I cannot feel any pain and shock when I lost the money. It was a scary situation to be in.

In the last few days, I wanted to gamble again because I cannot remember how scary it can be. I cannot understand why my brain can switch off and go blank. I cannot remember everything; I can forget and want to repeat the same behavior.

Today, my brain suddenly switches on and remember. Thank God I did not gamble when I wanted to gamble.

[kin]

I cannot explain the things that I did – Thorns in my flesh.

[kin]

As hard as I try to do something new and different. The thorns in my flesh remain and something I need to accept.

I was very focus on prayer this time last month and it help me stay gamble free. However, the familiar problem are still there, every week I can get mentally tired by thursday and friday and physically tired too on Saturday as a result of work, I become more vulnerable and prone to sin of all kind.

I need to work harder to stay focus!

[kin]

I was a gambler…With God’s grace, I am no longer! Amen.

[vera]

Sometimes, making too much effort causes us to become stressed and grow weak, Kin. “Cast your burdens onto the Lord” Psalm 55

 “Come to Me all you who labour and are burdened and I will give you rest”, He said.(Matthew 11: 28

Keep Life simple.

[kin]

Hi Sister Vera,

Today was a Friday, I knew my weakness and I choose to slow down, I apply for leave from my full time work and relax today.

For years, I have been trying to keep myself alive. I am prone to doing things that a normal person will not do and getting myself into all sort of troubles. I was always kicking under water trying to keep myself afloat, at times I look good like a duck on the water but underneath the water, I was kicking hard for my life. Why don’t I just let go and relax, instead of panic and worry, maybe I will float on the water…haha

Let God and Let God………Sister Jen

Just read Vera post in Ididit thread and google online, I have made up my mind to fast, God help me please.

[vera]

Lent, for Christians is a time of fasting, to commemorate the 40 days and nights when Jesus fasted and prayed in the wilderness in preparation for His Passion, Death and Resurrection. Many Christians fast and pray at this time.

Traditionally, Catholics are bound to fast and abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday and are encouraged to fast, pray and give alms during Lent, as Sacred Scripture teaches. As children, we were trained to do this by “giving up sweets”. It seems these practices are fading in recent years, hence the increase in indiscipline, instant gratification and disorder in society in general and (IN MY OPINION) this is a very common trait and pertains particularly to most compulsive gamblers I have met. Perhaps some readers will disagree .

In my case , when I gamble, I lose all sense of discipline and refuse to delay the hunger within me . Instant gratification in small things, leads to lack of control in greater things. Our fallen nature is weak. This Lent, I hope to cut out all unnecessary food, which will be a huge part of my diet. I will live on natural foods and eat to live instead of living to eat. When I gamble, I live to gamble.

Over eating is GLUTTONY which is one of the Seven Deadly sins, of which I am guilty.

I hope that answers your question on “starving myself for Lent”, Kin.

[kin]

Thank you Vera for the wonderful post on Lent. It was very helpful and new to me.

The message that I want to convey to my damage brain today is this:

I want to gamble but I don’t “need” to gamble. The whole world is telling me I don’t “need” to gamble

The willfulness, ignorance, foolishness, curiosity, strong self-belief, stubbornness and pride inside me is not “willing” to be “humble,” “obedience,” “submissive and follow” a good orderly direction. I rest my case.

I am not giving the liar inside me the chance to deceive me today, it is all a lie.

[kin]

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I reject all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I reject every cult that denies the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord, I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God. I confess my sin of my gambling and also those sins I cannot remember.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject Satan and all his works. I c.o.u.n.t. them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject the evil spirits which entered through my thoughts, my eyes, my participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all sins which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through my actual participation in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

In particular, I confess the following: all preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and indulgences of them; all the craving thought, urge, desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord Jesus Christ, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You Dear Lord Jesus Christ to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thoughts, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You Dear Lord Jesus Christ my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages in Jesus Christ almighty name I ask. Amen.

[kin]

I choose to fast from carbohydrates and sugar. My third day of fasting coming to an end soon.

[kin]

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for dying for my sins, thank you for your resurrection and for making me a new person through faith in your precious blood.

Dear Lord Jesus, I confess that in the past through my ignorance, curiosity, foolishness or willfulness, I have disobeyed your Word. I now ask you to help me as I give up all those things. Please Lord Jesus, cleanse me in body, mind, soul and spirit.

Satan, I am closing any door which I may have opened to you and your demons in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the power of the Holy Ghost, I reject all contacts or any involvement with Satan, and demon worship.

I reject every cult that denies the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ and every philosophy which denies the Divinity of the Lord Jesus and the Trinity.

Lord Jesus, I confess the sin of seeking from self or Satan the help that should have only come from God. I confess my sin of my gambling and also those sins I cannot remember.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject all psychic heredity that I may have had and break any demonic hold and curses over myself and my family line back to Adam and Eve on both sides of my parents through the power of the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Lord I now repent and renounce all those sins and ask you to forgive me (1 John 1:9).

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject Satan and all his works. I ***** them as my enemies. I now close the door to all practices and command all such spirits to leave me in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I reject the evil spirits which entered through my thoughts, my eyes, my participation, transfer or by inheritance and command all the demons to come out of my body and organs, lips, tongue, taste buds, throat, and mind in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ my Savior.

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe that he is the Son of God Who takes away the sin of all those who repent and confess him as Lord. I believe that the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses me from all sin.

I claim freedom from all sins which has come through my eyes, my ears, my mind or through my actual participation in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

In particular, I confess the following: all preoccupation with gambling, the sensual desire and appetites, and indulgences of them; all the craving thought, urge, desire and lust for what is forbidden.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I now rebuke and loose myself and my family from any and all evil curses, fetishes, charms, love potions all psychic powers, sorcery, bewitchments, enchantments, hexes, spells, every jinx, and psychic prayers which have been put upon us, from both sides of generations of my father and mother back to Adam and Eve.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I break and loose myself from any connected or related spirits from any person or persons or from any occult or psychic source.

In the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I hereby reclaim all ground that I have ever given to Satan in body, mind, soul, or spirit.

I dedicate myself to you Dear Lord Jesus Christ, to be used for Your glory alone.

I want You Dear Lord Jesus Christ to control and empower every area of my life, including all my thoughts, emotions and feelings; that from now on that I might be used according to your will.

I also now give to You Dear Lord Jesus Christ my affections, emotions and desires, and request that they might be motivated and controlled by Your Holy Spirit.

I hereby claim, total victory and freedom from all my former Bondages in Jesus Christ almighty name I ask. Amen.

[vera]

Hi Kin
Thanks for your post.
My “fast” is more about saying no to myself when it comes to eating more than I need.
I have given up chocolate, sweets, cake, biscuits and desserts for Lent. These are a huge part of my diet.
The night time is the most difficult because I am a night eater.
I went on a trip on Friday-by bus and train and realised on the return journey that I hadn’t eaten for several hours. I had just got off a train and had a distance to walk to the connecting bus. I felt faint. I jumped on the fist bus in sight which added an hour to my trip but when I got of I went into Mc Donalds , ordered a veggie burger and tea. It was the most horrible food I ever tasted in my life so I just took a few bites to sustain me, barely made it to the next bus stop and boy was I glad to get back to my car and drive the half hour journey home.
Lesson learned
1. I eat too much
2. I am not able for long fasts without some sort of snack
3. Our Lord fasted for 40 days and nights in the wilderness FOR MY SINS.
I need to keep my motives for undertaking this Lenten penance in mind.

[kin]

Dear diary,

1. There are more important things in life than my gambling

2. I believe in God’s plan and timing

3. I deserve all the punishment and consequences of my sin but was save and survive by the grace of God.

Today was my 11th day. I tried to abstain from my staple diet of rice and anything with sugar. I confess that I cannot help sinning in other ways, it reflect on my vulnerability and weakness as man.

[kin]

It was God’s plan to prepare me for something, and God’s timing to get me ready. I saw God’s plan and timing. All glory to God!

[kin]

I still need to learn to trust and live by God’s grace alone.

Can I be grateful over what seem to be “not enough”?

Can I be thankful over what seem to be not enough?

John 6:9-13

9 “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

10 Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there).

11 Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

12 When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” 

13 So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

In Christ, it is never not enough!

[kin]

The center of the word anxiety and pride is the letter “I”.

[kin]

I am fasting through God during this period, but I still wanted to quit staying stop after 21 days of abstaining from rice, noodle and sugar.

I did not know how to describe it best but I actually experience a new found strength outside me at the same time on the day that keep me staying stop..

I have stop for 31 days now and have 17 more days to go to complete this fast.In the past, when I did it for myself, I will experience feeling that I should not gamble, knew it was wrong to gamble, aware of the consequences and risk of gambling but I still go ahead to gamble and self-destruct. Doing it for myself doesn’t seem to work for me, I am speaking for myself.

If the same thing that happen to me during this fast apply to my fast from gambling in the future, it will be like, I feel like gambling, I want to go ahead to gamble but there is a Higher Power that help me to stay stop.

In that case, I will fast from gambling through God after the current fast ended for indefinite time after Easter Sunday.

I will not be doing for self anymore but for the glory of God.

[kin]

The worst thing that can happen to me is gambling and getting into unmanageable debt plus losing my job at the same time. The devil knows me and is trying all the times.
It is painful every time, but what doesn’t break me makes me stronger by the grace of God.

[kin]

My first time fasting for a period of more than a month from a desirable thing through God was a wonderful experience for me on removing distractions in life to stay focus on God or possibly something we set our mind on.

Yes, there are many distractions along the way for me – some painful, some upsetting, some bitter, some dsappointment, each threatening to throw me off track. If there is not a Higher Power helping me, it just make it that much more difficult to finish the distance.

What should I do when I get punish for doing wrong thing? Many recovery buddies will reply acceptance but what do I do when I get punish for trying to do the right thing? Good things can happen for doing the right thing but bad things can also happen for doing the right thing sometime. Good things can happen to good people but bad things can also happen to good people.

I am human, I was imperfect and I have sin a plenty. I listen to myself when I was tested during difficult times and carry out my will.

God was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Let God’s will be done, not mine.

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf4zJoKwpzs

[vera]

…to answer your question on my thread, Kin, Yes I think people are tempted a lot when we fast. It’s like giving up gambling. We get the desire to gamble, sometimes totally out of the blue. If you read Matthew 8:4 you will see that even Jesus was tempted in the desert when he fasted for 40 days and nights. The devil never misses a chance but he is a bluffer, Kin. We can resist his lies, especially when it comes to gambling , which we know is one BIG lie.

“By fasting of the body we curb our vices, elevate our minds and bestow virtue and reward”.

I must admit my Lenten fast was shoddy. I could have done better but I did abstain from all sweet things so far. I will improve during the next week or two with greater effort.

I gave up gambling for the New Year (last bet 26th December 2018) Also gave up playing “snake” on my phone and playing “Free Slots” so I am proud of that.

I need to catch up on reading the threads here. I have been busy. Stay strong, Kin. One day at a time.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

Thank you. Your input is greatly appreciated especially for someone like me doing lenten fasting for the first time. I would recommend this to anyone as the benefit is immense – they really need to try it out to discover the power.

Completing my 37th day of fasting soon.

[kin]

O Jesus! Meek and humble of heart, hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being extolled, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being honored, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being praised, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being preferred, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being consulted, deliver me Jesus

From the desire of being approved, deliver me Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being despised, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being wronged, deliver me Jesus

From the fear of being suspected, deliver me Jesus

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it

That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Amen.

[kin]

Dear diary

Twice I felt rejected, judge and condemn by others on two separate incidents, both are painful because they are unexpected and come from people I trusted and look up to at work and in recovery.

By the grace and mercy of God, I did not go off like an explosive bomb…I like to think that I was protected by a power greater than me which gave me the wisdom, courage and strength to accept the pain of injustice and unfairness. It still felt very painful.

In the past, I would have sink into self-pity, self-beating, anger, resentment and helpless mode, I would have easily drink to drown my sorrow and gamble to escape reality and numb myself.

I didn’t make it any easier, all these happen at a time when I was in the middle of my fasting…I was  getting all sort of crazy urge and craving thought to act out in food, alcohol, gambling, porn and woman on top of the temptations from everyday life, somehow I manage to stay stop.

Through the power of a Higher Power greater than me, my fasting continues.

I remain hopeful in recovery…one baby step at a time, I will finish the race.

As long as I did not stop trying to stay stop in my addiction, I have not failed.

[kin]

Thank God, I will break my fast soon,I have not eaten rice, noodle and sugar for 45 days now..

[kin]

On Palm Sunday, I had this thought:

Why did Jesus weep when He saw Jerusalem? Looking ahead 40 years, He saw the destruction that would come upon the city at the hands of the Emperor Titus and his Roman legions.

I see my life like the city of Jerusalem, when I did not change and did not believe that I need to stop gambling and choose to do the wrong thing to gamble again.

God knows the repercussions that will follow – my life will be destroy by gambling.

[kin]

God refuses to enter forcibly. He will only knock on my heart, wanting to gain admittance. God has given me the ability to choose.

What ‘s next for me?

I continue to get tempted till this day, yes even today on the last day of my fast, the thought was there.

Matthew 16:24-26 (ESV)

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus

24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

[kin]

There are sugar and carbohydrates in most food, for me, they are addictive, and I hunger for more after a few hours. They taste good and delicious but they can be harmful to me.

The same apply to my alcohol, gambling and other entertainments. Every one of them costing me lots of money and sucking me dry but profiting the businessman.

[kin]

There is some underlying message in this movie I watch last night.

The leading actor was called a loser in life by another character; he was also accused of being addicted to losing and easily manipulated.

I did not understand why he burn his 2 million in winning in the movie – it was self-destructive! it was foolish and even suicidal.

Why did he gamble on 2 skiers down a mountain slope and water droplet down a window pane, did he do it out of boredom, thrill or habit ? – maybe he doesnt care about winning or losing anymore, he just want to gamble.

When he burn his million in winning, it reminded me of myself losing away my big winning blindly, carelessly and irresponsibly and I had to continue my high risk gamble more after that. It is very impulsive and compulsive in behavior.

Bottom line – all the trouble start with the first bet

[kin]

I must not test my confident and ability to gamble, I must run away from temptation of gambling the way we run away from forest fire and other natural disaster.

In the past I have trusted my flesh, that I can manage and control gambling after some period of abstinence from gambling but it failed every single time.

For me, gambling was a progressive illness, and it is very deceiving. In the beginning, I can control and stop gambling when I want but the ending is alway the same ,” my self will alway run riot”.

[kin]

I read this on line and copy it to remind me of my problem gambling.

Sin starts as a thought or temptation before it fully manifests into the action of sin.

To flee from temptation means that we flee from sin before we ever get to the point of committing it.

God does not tempt us to sin. Rather, “each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (James 1:13–15).

This is why Jesus exhorted His disciples to: “Pray that you may not enter into temptation” (Luke 22:40; see also Matthew 6:13 and 26:41). We flee from temptation so that we do not enter into sin. 

Many times, fleeing from temptation begins within our own minds. We are instructed to think in this way:

We are to make no provision to gratify the sinful desires of our flesh, and this includes the open door for us to be tempted by sin (Romans 13:13–14; Titus 2:11–14). 

Sometimes, fleeing from temptation is an actual physical act. We see this in the story of Joseph when his boss Potiphar’s wife made inappropriate sexual advances toward him. Joseph “would not listen to her, to lie beside her or to be with her” (Genesis 39:10). Joseph was wise about his boundaries, and even so, she kept trying. Finally, one day: ” she caught him by his garment, saying, ‘Lie with me.’ But he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out of the house” (Genesis 39:12; see also 1 Corinthians 6:18–20). This is a dramatic example of what it looks like to flee from temptation, and it also showcases how persistently the Devil will try to tempt us, even when we do our best not to allow ourselves to be tempted (1 Peter 5:8). James 4:7 says: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” 

When we see a natural disaster such as a forest fire or a hurricane on the way to us, we flee. How much more should we flee when we see temptation coming to attack our soul?!

We cannot put our confidence in our fleshly ability to resist temptation; our confidence and strength are in Christ, and He provides us with the tools we need to flee from temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13; Galatians 5:16; Ephesians 6:10–18).

Jesus Himself resisted temptation, so He can personally empathize with our struggles (Hebrews 2:18). 

When we flee from temptation, we should run to God and pursue the things of God: “righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2 Timothy 2:22).

When we fail to flee temptation and fall into sin, we should immediately turn our gaze back to Christ in repentance, seeking His forgiveness: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15–16; see also 1 John 1:9).

It is a true act of wisdom to see temptation coming and instead of choosing to entertain it, choose to flee from it (Proverbs 22:3–5; Galatians 6:9). 

[kin]

I shall continue this road until the day I die. It is slow and difficult, full of trial and error, lot of repercussion and consequence for bad choices and foolish act. It will keep happening until I learn my lesson. May God ‘s will be done.

[kin]

Hi RG,

Many things is new to me except my gambling which has stay with me for more than 30 years for a man more than 50.

I do not claim to have stayed gamble free but hope to do so one day because I have a real gambling problem. I have stop gambling many times but I have not been able to “stay gamble free.” for long.

I first landed in GT way back in yr2008, the longest I stay gamble free was one year ever since. Every time I get into gambling problem, I return to this place. i have no intention to leave this place now.

My self belief and self confident over gambling have failed me every single time. My many years experience in sport punting have always got me into deep trouble.

There will always be a time when I can spot a win, if I can resist this temptation now and not gamble, I could not guarantee that I can resist the same temptation next time, the bigger I win in a single bet, the more I will lose back. I found that out the hard and painful ways every single time when I start gambling because I never and cannot stop at one gamble.

What works for me was following direction and this direction must not come from me, I have tried 12 steps recovery program, and professional counselling in the past, I am trying to follow the teaching in the bible now. All these fleeing from temptation is new to me! lent fasting is new to me, It has given me hope to do the same thing to gambling. 

[kin]

We have a real and serious problem. We cannot afford to let our guard down one single day.

We can resist the temptation this time but it is no guarantee the next time we face another temptation.

We need to be vigilant all the times. I thought it was OK but it was not OK!

I let my guard down when I over-estimated myself and under-estimated the power of gambling.

[kin]

Devil’s talking

I should not be hungry, I should eat now, I should not deny myself.

I should not be poor and broke, I should have money, I should have more.

I should not be rejected, abandon and lonely, I should be love and accepted 

I should not be doing a lowly, humble and hard job, I should be doing a respectable, well – paid and easy job.

Gambling is not wrong. I did not hurt anyone with my money.

I can do everything that I want.

[kin]

I will run out of giving what I have given. I am running out of money. 

Occasionally this has to happen to test our faith,

to test our gracious giving whether it is real or not. 

[kin]

Matthew 16:24-26 (ESV) – Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus

24 Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?

My Thought:

My priority is in a mess now. My finance and work security have taken over God. I have lost my focus on God.

My Feeling:

I feel very insecure and anxious if my debt remain, it made me very nervous and affecting my work.

My action:

I eat to self-medicate; I eat to feel good.

My action plan:

Help me God! I need to focus on You. Help me God! Help me to carry my burden and responsibilities and put to death any evil thought to fight or flight.

[kin]

Help me God! Help me put to death those thoughts that will push me to self-destructive behavior.

Etc. when I was fasting, hungry, stress, worried or anxious. have too much cash or too little cash, accuse of something I did not do…I have so many fuse that can cause me to detonate.

[kin]

Dr. Charles Stanley Sermons 2018 – “Focus on God, not your problems “

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgxaG4ge75w

King Darius was ruler over Babylon and had appointment several men to help him govern and lead. Daniel, the leader of advisors, was a man who believed in God and followed the Lord’s commands. The other men did not like Daniel and did not want him in charge, so they devised a way to get rid of Daniel.

These men knew that Daniel served the God of Israel. They told King Darius to make a new law in which people could worship and pray to only the king and if they worshipped or prayed to other gods, they would be thrown into the den of lions. The starving lions would eat and kill the law breaker.

Daniel knew the new law but committed in his heart to remain steadfast in his prayer and praise to the Lord. Daniel prayed three times a day with his windows open. When the men saw Daniel and brought accusations against him to King Darius, the king was devastated because he favored Daniel. The king knew he could not change the law and Daniel was thrown into the lion’s den. 

 

Daniel 6

1 It pleased Darius to appoint 120 satraps to rule throughout the kingdom, 2 with three administrators over them, one of whom was Daniel. The satraps were made accountable to them so that the king might not suffer loss. 3 Now Daniel so distinguished himself among the administrators and the satraps by his exceptional qualities that the king planned to set him over the whole kingdom. 4 At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. 5 Finally these men said, “We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.” 6 So these administrators and satraps went as a group to the king and said: “May King Darius live forever! 7 The royal administrators, prefects, satraps, advisers and governors have all agreed that the king should issue an edict and enforce the decree that anyone who prays to any god or human being during the next thirty days, except to you, Your Majesty, shall be thrown into the lions’ den. 8 Now, Your Majesty, issue the decree and put it in writing so that it cannot be altered—in accordance with the law of the Medes and Persians, which cannot be repealed.” 9 So King Darius put the decree in writing. 10 Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before. 11 Then these men went as a group and found Daniel praying and asking God for help. 12 So they went to the king and spoke to him about his royal decree: “Did you not publish a decree that during the next thirty days anyone who prays to any god or human being except to you, Your Majesty, would be thrown into the lions’ den?” The king answered, “The decree stands—in accordance with the law of the Medes and Persians, which cannot be repealed.” 13 Then they said to the king, “Daniel, who is one of the exiles from Judah, pays no attention to you, Your Majesty, or to the decree you put in writing. He still prays three times a day.” 14 When the king heard this, he was greatly distressed; he was determined to rescue Daniel and made every effort until sundown to save him. 15 Then the men went as a group to King Darius and said to him, “Remember, Your Majesty, that according to the law of the Medes and Persians no decree or edict that the king issues can be changed.” 16 So the king gave the order, and they brought Daniel and threw him into the lions’ den. The king said to Daniel, “May your God, whom you serve continually, rescue you!” 17 A stone was brought and placed over the mouth of the den, and the king sealed it with his own signet ring and with the rings of his nobles, so that Daniel’s situation might not be changed. 18 Then the king returned to his palace and spent the night without eating and without any entertainment being brought to him. And he could not sleep. 19 At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions’ den. 20 When he came near the den, he called to Daniel in an anguished voice, “Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?” 21 Daniel answered, “May the king live forever! 22 My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, Your Majesty.” 23 The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God. 24 At the king’s command, the men who had falsely accused Daniel were brought in and thrown into the lions’ den, along with their wives and children. And before they reached the floor of the den, the lions overpowered them and crushed all their bones. 25 Then King Darius wrote to all the nations and peoples of every language in all the earth: “May you prosper greatly! 26 “I issue a decree that in every part of my kingdom people must fear and reverence the God of Daniel. “For he is the living God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. 27 He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions.” 28 So Daniel prospered during the reign of Darius and the reign of Cyrus the Persian.

 

[kin]

1. Even though Daniel was an old man, he refused to take the easy way out and abandon God. The threat of an agonizing death did not change his trust in God. He chose trusting God over disobeying him, even if it meant death.

2. Daniel is a type of  Christ, a godly Bible character who foreshadowed the coming Messiah. He is called blameless. In the lions’ den miracle, Daniel’s trial resembles that of Jesus before Pontius Pilate, and Daniel’s escape from certain death is like Jesus’ resurrection.

3. God was not concerned with man’s laws. He saved Daniel because Daniel obeyed God’s law and was faithful to him.

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq_ubh8oXa0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CwSs0eh-rA

[Meghna83]

i agree I over estimated myself and under estimated the power and hunger of the slots/gambling

never again 

[Meghna83]

Your words really comfort me and help me make sense of my own temptations and ways I might resist them. 

Your clear reflections allow me to self reflect. 

Please keep posting 

[kin]

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. It is a positive can-do attitude in the face of adversity or misfortune.

Beside health issues, I have a serious mental problem in gambling. I like to sink into the self-pity and self-beating mode and focus on my misfortune and gambling loses. After years of doing these, I have learnt to move on with life and just do my best with the handicap.

The big difference was learning to get thing done despite the imperfection. It means I remain broken and make mistake, but I repeat lesser wrong-doing and increase doing the right thing by the power, grace and mercy of God and the Holy spirit.

My gambling problem remains, this thorn remained in my flesh but there are more peace, joy and gratitude in my life now. I had to be, my life used to be dark but I can see some light, hope and direction in my life now.

[kin]

I asked myself: Why did I stop gambling?

I replied to myself: I hate the feeling of losing!

I asked myself: What did I gamble again?

I replied to myself: I don’t think I will lose

I saw in my life: I did not win in gambling.

I may not lose every time I gamble but I will lose in the end every time I gamble.

I have many wins but I have lost back everything I win plus everything I had.

[kin]

Hi RG,

Thank you for your post, i agrees with you that Gambling is not designed to give away money. I was a foolish, stubborn, selfish and self-centered all my life and it is time for me to be open, willing and honest to change for my remaining years. Best wishes to you too.

[kin]

I find it hard to give up carbohydrate and sugar as much as gambling.

I find it hard to exercise as much as attending church service and activities regularly.

I did not want to change shows how much I do not love and respect myself and others. I take for granted all the good people, good health, good job and money I have until I loses them.

Near death experience can change everything. Suddenly I realize that everything can be taken away from me if I do not take good care of them, there is no second chance, I must treasure and be grateful of them, I must live each day like it was my last..

I can also love someone so much that I am willing to give up everything that is important to me to keep them. I love them so much that I want to change. Glory to God.

If the courage to change does not come from me, the courage to change must come from somewhere, otherwise I cannot find the strength to do it.

I will be touch and tears can drop whenever I was reminded of myself; When most people don’t want to have anything to do with me, avoid me, walk away from me, reject me like a piece of filthy garbage and how God pick me up. God is love.

I praise God for the love, wisdom and strength in discipline, hard work, and determination. If I can do this on my own, I wouldn’t have fall countless times.  

The Bible teaches me to love God and others. It is God’s wisdom to love the unlovable. The biggest unlovable is me but not in the eye of God.

My good friend and mentor teach me to love God, others and myself the way God love me unconditionally.

I am very much Work in Progress. Recovery life is not perfect, it is ok not to be ok now, things will get better in the end.

[kin]

I am feeling down looking at my cards now; I have general anxiety disorder, facial skin eczema, gambling problem, most probably some colon and also liver related illness too, my bad breath is aweful and smelly.

They are affecting how I think, feel, and behave. I may have learnt to accept, and forgive myself. It was still never easy to deal with a gambling problem, mental and physical illness at the same time.

But there are still cause for celebration for me, despite all the leaks on my ship, I have sail on and progress, reaching some destinations in my life that I can never imagine possible in my rock bottom. Praise God! I cannot, God can, let God!

[Meghna83]

Thank you for the words

“ But there are still cause for celebration for me, despite all the leaks on my ship, I have sail on and progress, reaching some destinations in my life that I can never imagine”

feeling so low and reminded myself I am better than this disease that was ruined my peace of mind. I can overcome this problem. I refuse to feed by addiction anymore. Today is my day 1 . . .

[kin]

A bank called me one day recently after more than 6 years of no contact and inform me that I have an outstanding loan. I felt lousy for days. It is going to be an additional burden on top of what I already have now.

I don’t have much choice or do I ?

I choose to accept it, not numb it and face them.

The same bank called me yesterday, they investigated and decide that I do not need to pay them anymore, they check and found out I have repaid the full principle and will be sending me a letter of full settlement.

All the outstanding sum and interest are written off. It was unbelievable and a miracle, I have kept all their document for record purposes out of guilt, I knew I have not completed repaying all the interest and I will need those documents one day. Now I can throw them all away, one less burden.

I was very tired after work yesterday. I have an urge to drink and gamble last night, I felt like calming my nerve, getting high and self medcate, instead I ended up downloading many of my favorite songs on to a MP3. I dd that for more than 2 hours until the urge left me.

Thank God. All glory goes to God.  

[kin]

The addiction is still very much alive, it just goes to sleep sometime, when it wakes up, my bad dream and struggle begin. I accept that this is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

Managing this addiction is like managing a wild beast, it feel like a tug of war every single time. I get pull down sometime. Do you know how it feels like to be underwater and trying to remain positive in every relapse and slip. It is painful, tiring, depressing, disappointing and frustrating!

I saw them happening to me so many times.

I stayed free from rice, noodle and sugar for more than a month recently, and I cannot live without rice and noodle every day ever since. This problem is just the tip of the iceberg,

The problem of stopping but not staying stop has spread across my life, the problem of doing the next right thing and continue to do the next right thing is my bigger and more serious problem.  

I was able to pray for a good friend daily when he was very sick but struggle to do it again. I think about the person all the time, but I just could not pray for the person like before.

I feel very sad, demoralize and frustrated thinking about what had happen. I realize that the wisdom,.strength and power leading my steps did not come from within me, it can leave me. I was very unhappy because I did not have this power all the time.

Sometime the power is in the driver seat, sometime, I was in the driver seat. This is the last thing I want in my life.

My mind can be unsound when I am very mentally and physically tired. Everything changes after a good rest and sleep!

The war with the devil continues, my success rate is not high doing this alone.

As long as I am still updating this journal, I have not given up hope on life.

I am in my fifties, I don’t know how many good years I have left.

When my time is up, I will disappear from this site.

I need to pray for God’s will and timing. I can be very impatient and worry uncontrollably.

[kin]

My Wish List

1. Health – Relationship with family

2. Health – Finance – Keeping the current job and staying debt free

3. Health – Food – Abstaining from sugar, rice and noodle everyday

4. Health – Exercise – 2 hours walk everyday

5. Health – Spiritual, sadly I did not live my life seeking God in the first place daily. Prayer, attending Church regularly and community living are mssing in my life; 

I have neglected my spiritual, physical health and they affected my sound and stable mental, emotion and financial health.

I hope these wish list can become a reality and form a part of my gratitude list one day. Freedom from gambling,alcohol, eating disorder, debt sounds good and a dream now but something for me to keep fighting.

[Not Finished]

A normal day for a normal person can turn into a slippery situation for a recovering obsessive compulsive gambler.
Having free time allow me to gamble. If I am ban from gambling premises here, I can travel. If I do not have cash, I can borrow. Gambling premises are conveniently found everywhere here, if I have free time and payday arrive, how many times have gambling thought turn into gambling action.
It is harder to reverse the whole process when the chemical reaction has began.
Off day and payday will arrive without fail. There are many more important things in my life than gambling. I need to focus on those area and set up gambling barriers before I made thing and life difficult for myself.

[kin]

Hate the sin, love the sinners ~ St. Augustine and Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography. He writes:  “hate the sin and not the sinner is a precept which, though easy enough to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred spreads in the world.” 

[kin]

My depression and addiction rob me of people dear to my heart. I can replace old friends with new but I cannot replace these people. I miss my good friends and still feel the painful loss after more than 20 years later.

Saying these 2 words, depression and addiction is easy but explaining what it does and happen to me is tough. I will bring this to my grave.

I felt like a dirty and smelly beggar now watching my successful friends from far not wanting to let them to know it was me. I am happy for them but I miss them.

[kin]

God is good all the times. Thank you Vera, Monica, RG and all the other names I forget to mention for your presence and support here.

[kin]

No one can stop you! No one can help you! No one can do the hard work for you!

There is NO GUARANTEE you will not fall into the temptation of gambling ONE DAY.

Yesterday you did not gamble is no guarantee for today and tomorrow!

[Meghna83]

We need to have the resolve not to gamble. Make the promise to ourselves we won’t gamble. And we need to believe and remind ourselves daily that yesterday was possible not to gamble so today and tomorrow can be the same. We choose whether to gamble or not. It is in our control. It is a choice. Today I will not gamble and tomorrow I willl not gamble. I say that with conviction  

[vera]

Kin, thank you sincerely for your kind post on my thread.
I’m struggling but by God’s grace, I will quit this madness for good, soon.
I believe it is only by God’s grace that gamblers decide to draw a line under the losses and surrender.
No human effort works.
I agree with what Meghna says, above. It is within our control whether we start gambling or decide to refrain.
ONCE WE PLACE THE FIRST BET, WE ARE POWERLESS OVER THE REST.
That is the nature of this destructive addiction. All or nothing!
Take care, Kin.
You are a very faithful friend.

[kin]

Better one handful with tranquility

than two handfuls with toil

and chasing after the wind.

~ Ecclesiastes 4:6

Is gambling or getting high from substance abuse chasing after the wind?

all the chasing give me nothing!

[Meghna83]

Helpful words kin

thank you 

[kin]

Hi Meghna, Thank you for the sharing with me that we need to believe and remind ourselves daily that yesterday was possible not to gamble so today and tomorrow can be the same.

[kin]

Dear diary,
There are too many of them, they are difficult to help, I wanted to walk away from them. Just when I wanted to give up helping others like me…I have to come across this story.

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realise that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, “It made a difference for that one.”

[kin]

How can I tell someone that they are not helping their depression if they continue to take alcohol.

How can I tell someone that I have follow instructions, attend every meetings and I still relapse.

How can I tell someone when they relapse, that it was nothing new, they only need to start all over again, you don’t need to quit recovery completely.

I hear the newcomers, what they are sharing is exactly what I go thru in my early recovery. I felt their disappointment and pain, they don’t understand why they try so hard and still relapse, but this is something each and every one of us experience before we find our balance in recovery.

[kin]

HOW IT WORKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Those who “do not recover” are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program,
usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.
If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not.
With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start.
Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with GAMBLING – cunning, baffling, powerful!
Without help it is too much for us.
But there is One who has all power – that One is God.
May you find Him now! Half measures availed us nothing.
We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

[kin]

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over GAMBLING – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other COMPULSIVE GAMBLERS, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

[kin]

Many of us exclaimed,” What an order! I can’t go through with it.”
Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.
The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress.
We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the COMPULSIVE GAMBLER, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were COMPULSIVE GAMBLER and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our GAMBLING ADDICTION.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

[kin]

I have the urge to post this tonight because I can clearly remember reading about people who do not recover; people who do not surrender to the program completely; people who are incapable of being honest with themselves. They are the unfortunates, they are not at fault. They seem to be born that way, then there are those with emotional and mental disorders, their chances of recovery are less than average.

[kin]

Do not be discouraged.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.

The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress.

We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the COMPULSIVE GAMBLER, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were COMPULSIVE GAMBLER and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our GAMBLING ADDICTION.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

[kin]

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real GAMBLING ADDICT. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our GAMBLING careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could GAMBLE like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his GAMBLING is the great obsession of every abnormal GAMBLER. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were GAMBLING ADDICT. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We GAMBLING ADDICT are men and women who have lost the ability to control our GAMBLING. We know that no real GAMBLING ADDICT ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals – usually brief – were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that GAMBLING ADDICT of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make GAMBLING ADDICTS of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with GAMBLING ADDICTION agree there is no such thing as making a NORMAL GAMBLER out of an GAMBLING ADDICT. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn’t done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who are real GAMBLING ADDICT are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore NON GAMBLING ADDICT. If anyone who is showing inability to control his GAMBLING can do the right-about-face and GAMBLE like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to GAMBLE like other people!

[kin]

I can give to my family now by the power, mercy and grace of God, all glory goes to God.

God has help me do what I cannot do for myself and given me what I cannot give myself. God is my comforter and provider.

I am no longer afraid to be rejected by people, places and thing. I dont need to be a people pleaser and door mat.

I can serve these people unconditionally and they can reject me at the same time, I will not feel sour and bitter.

Love God, love others, love myself the way God love me unconditionally.

[kin]

Look like I am going to stop attending Gambling support group meetings in Singapore for the time being.

It felt very strange to be question by the in charge in these organizations I visit. I have no interest and is not serving in these places, and I do not work in any of these places so there is no conflict at all. I am a recovering person and not a commercial spy…haha. The people with interest were the one working there or trying to get a job there or an organization trying to tap on Government funds to run recovery program.

I am not an attention seeker and I am not trying to prove anything. I have no wish to be a qualified counsellor. I was just merely building a strong support network for myself to work my recovery. I was making sure that I am not co -dependent on anyone of them. I was just making sure if one meeting is not available to me, I can go to the other one.

Tonight I attended one meeting at a place that has not seen me for many years, they are never interested in me in the past but one person in charge is suddenly so interested in the place that I go over the last 14 years and ask me many question about that place tonight.

Something is cooking and it is none of my business!

I am a believer of the 12 steps program, and my Higher Power in the 12 steps is my Lord Jesus Christ.

Aug 2005, I attended my first AA meeting.  With effect from July 2018, I am going to attend AA more.

[kin]

I was rewarded by the 12 step workshop today, the facilitator talks about the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions? ~ 12 & 12 STEP 10. PAGE 88

Do I give myself excuses to gamble or take alcohol in some condition?

Can I resist the temptation to gamble or take alcohol in all condition?

If I cannot, have I learn to FLEE FROM TEMPTATIONS?

Staying stop must be unconditional to work otherwise it will turn into a condition to gamble or take alcohol.

This learning hit me hard today, it make me realize that I was only obedient to God in some condition and not all condition.

It was not unconditional. I was only obedient to God during good times. In a crisis, many times I was disobedient to God and use my own way; not God’s way.

[kin]

After 14 years, each baby step now is more firmly planted in the ground, I am not so easily shaken by people, places and thing.

I am comfortable with myself ; I am fine with my imperfect ways. I am not out to impress another person and I have nothing to prove to anyone except to God and my love ones.

[kin]

I feel very sad thinking about this incident in the past. I thought I was helping the handicap person when I gave him 2 dollars.

But he was not please. I may have made him feel lousy. I did not accept the packet of tissue paper that he was trying to give me. I never forget how he look at me. I felt sorry.

It really take skills to give and help people while helping them preserve their dignity and self respect.

How can I be so ignorant and stupid. 

[kin]

I need to recondition my mind and learn to walk away or flee from temptation.

I always thought that I would be fine when I am not. I thought I would be fine because I have no intent to gamble or drink. I thought I was in control, and able to resist what is right in front of me or beside me. I thought I have strong finance and strong enough mentally and would not lose all again.

What am I doing going so near to these places, these are no place for me anymore now. It is wrong to put myself to a test. I was over confident and complacent, I thought I was strong.

I am still vulnerable and prone to slip and relapse. Last night was an good example, after the meeting at 9 pm, I was standing on the roadside, on my left and right, neon light signs are flashing, the places to act out are everywhere, I have the free time and money. I froze and time stood still, after a while, I develop a thought to drink/gamble and it become uncomfortable.

I immediately flag a cab and get myself away from the place.

I did not realize I was still that vulnerable and weak to temptation.

[kin]

1 Corinthians 10:12

If you think, “I am strong! I can handle this.

I would never fall for that temptation, than be careful!

For you could easily fall too!”

[kin]

14 years has pass, I am still work under construction. I have multiple addictions, and I have never give up trying to break free from my self-destructive behavior.
I have been knocked down countless time but every single time I get back up!
I started visiting WeCare Community Services in year 2005 and Gambling Therapy in year 2008. Forever Thankful!

[kin]

As I pause for a moment to reflect on my recovery from self-destructive behaviour before I continue. I feel so fortunate and privilege to meet these two wise men.

Both do not know one another and show up in my journey at different time. Both men carry the same message till this day: God was the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. God is consistent.

Both warn me about man created things

I hate to think that I have created ”my words” to train and teach on the job in my younger days. I was always convincing people with “my words” to buy what I am selling till today.

I was honest sometime but not all the time, I was right sometime and not all the time. This has probably help me to identified people who are like me.

Can I trust someone like me with my life? I am afraid not.

[kin]

List of the “One Another” commands in the Bible:

Be at peace with one another – Mark 9:50

Love one another – John 13:34; Romans 12:10; 1 Peter 4:8; 1 John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11, 12

Build up one another – Romans 14:19; Ephesians 4:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Be of the same mind toward one another – Romans 12:16

Give preference to one another – Romans 12:10

Greet one another – Romans 16:16

Esteem others as better than yourself – Philippians 2:3

Serve one another – Galatians 5:13

Receive one another – Romans 15:7

Be devoted to one another – Romans 12:10

Rejoice or weep with one another – Romans 12:15

Admonish one another – Romans 15:14; Colossians 3:16

Care for one another – 1 Corinthians 12:25

Show tolerance toward one another – Romans 15:1-5; Ephesians 4:2; Colossians 3:13

Be kind and forgiving to one another – Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13

Submit to one another – Romans 12:10; Ephesians 5:21; 1 Peter 5:5

Comfort one another – 1 Thessalonians 4:18

Encourage one another – 1 Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 3:13

Be compassionate with one another – 1 Peter 3:8

Pray for one another – James 5:16

Confess your faults to one another – James 5:16

Accept one another – Romans 14:1; 15:7

Be truthful with one another – Colossians 3:9

Do not take one another to court – 1 Corinthians 6:1-7

[kin]

I can now recognise and identify the following quality and character in a recovering person; the person has love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

I can now explain why I am not comfortable with some people, they can pretend but they cannot give what they do not have.

The 12 steps recovery program does not teach us to hurt or harm another in recovery, it does not teach us to shame or humiliate other in recovery, it does not teach us to bring down another in recovery to feed our pride and ego, it teaches humility and not seeking self-glory. It does not teach us to use the tongue to destroy or kill another person, this is the same as trying to manipulate and control the world.

love – the Spirit live

joy – the Spirit dance

peace – the Spirit rests

patience – the Spirit waits

kindness  – the Spirit gives

goodness – the Spirit moves

faithfulness – the Spirit dwells

gentleness – the Spirit acts

self control – the Spirit smiles

Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Against such things there is no law.

The fruit is in contrast with the work of the flesh.

[kin]

I celebrate with gambling and I numb myself with gambling. I am familiar with gambling and it is predictable in the area of altering my mood just like any alcohol, drugs and sex

On some day, I seek out gambling to alter my mood, for some fun and excitements. On other day, I may be happy and satisfied, I do not want to alter my mood but gambling changes everything. It can made me moody.

Win or lose, my mood get affected.

. 

[kin]

Calvary covers it all

My sin and shame

Don’t c.o.u.n.t. anymore

All praise to the One

Who has ransomed my soul

Calvary covers it all

Amen!

[kin]

Why can’t I drive it out?

Mathew 17:20

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

The answer Jesus gave in the first part of Mathew 17:20 is very revealing: Because of your unbelief. Matthew 17:20

This is what Jesus was saying in the first part of Matthew 17:20.

He didn’t tell His disciples, “It’s because you don’t have enough faith”;

He said, “It’s because of your unbelief.”

Your unbelief canceled out the faith you had.

That is why you did not see the desired results.”

Jesus declared, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.” ~ Mark 9:20-23

[kin]

“Envy” is defined as “a feeling of discontent and ill will because of another person ‘s advantages, possessions, etc.; resentful dislike of others who has something that one desires.”

“Jealous” is defined as “very watchful or careful in guarding or keeping,” and “resentfully envious.” Jealousy” has stronger emotions attached.

I always confuse Jealousy with envy. I thought they mean the same thing.

I was not jealous and do not hate the wealth and success that others have. I do not disike ot hate the person, infact I was happy for them and celebrate their success.

The problem was not the person, the problem was my desire and urge for the money they had.

I have some money, it is enough but I want more money, and feel it was not enough, I want to change this. This has been a very strong motivator and force to make me gamble.

I realize that this has made me a sick person.

[kin]

In one of the first human stories, God accepted Abel’s offering and rejected Cain’s, so Cain—envious of his brother’s acceptance by God—rose up and killed his own brother. This tragic story at the very beginning of the Bible reminds us that envy is one of the root sins.
It originated in the disobedience of our first parents and manifested in their son, then out of envy many other sins spring forth.
Envy is an insatiable desire like lust, greed and gluttony. Envy can therefore be the root out of which springs theft, cheating, adultery and murder.
Out of envy we reach out to take what is not ours: another’s property, another’s wealth, another’s wife, another’s life.

[Meghna83]

 I must admit that for me it was always the money. I want more of it. This is my Achilles heel. i gave money too much importance 

[kin]

Matthew 17:20
Jesus said unto them,
Because of you have so little faith
If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, “Move from here to there”, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

[kin]

I doubt myself to survive and come this far but I have. I have manage to stay alive since 1999 and gone are those hopeless, suicidal, helpless and reckless days.

I have face many setbacks and obstacles along the way, I can and have live without the self destructive behavior. I did it by the power, grace and mercy of God but I still doubt myself to do it again.

I return to them whenever I feel discontent, discomfort and distress. I gave myself permission to do it.

[kin]

Life without self destructive behavior is very simple. It is not what I wish and want but what I need.

First I don’t want but I need, later I want and I need.

I am still work in progress as you can see.

[kin]

My Pride says, I deserve to have more; I don’t deserve to have so little.

Pride says I am smarter than another person, better looking than another, richer than another, kinder and loving than another.

I deserve to have money, power, woman, love and attention, good reputation, and respect.

Out of pride, comes envy: Who is Envy? What does Envy do?

Envy makes me feel discontent, resentment or sadness.  

I want the money that others had or I want to be like someone.

Envy makes me aware that another person or another place has what I want for myself.

I want to change everything and gave birth to evil thought and feeling;

the desire to have those money; the desire to win them; the casino has the money;

[kin]

Envy never bring me any satisfaction. If you commit the sin of adultery, you enjoy the pleasures of the flesh; if you commit the sin of gluttony you get to enjoy the taste of food. Envy only makes you more miserable than you were before.

When I am walking with Envy, I cannot enjoy anything in itself because I only see what I have and what I am in comparison to someone else.

Envy does something very ugly. When I look at their success, their wealth, their lifestyle, the joy they had, these things somehow calls me into question, it taunts me, it makes me doubt myself.

Envy convinces me that I a failure and worthless. It makes me think less of myself. It calls into question all that I am, all that I’ve done, all that I’ve accomplished. It becomes an issue of my own identity.

Envy exposes so much of what I am really like and what I really want; Envy shows what brings me joy, what I value most.

I value money above everything else, I envy those who have more money than me. Envy exposes my heart like no other sin really does.

Envy shows where my heart loyalty lie. Envy shows that I desire money more than I desire God.

Confessing that envy exists requires a true honesty and baring of the soul. Like peeling the onion skin to get to the core to find the source and uproot the problem.

You may not know how ugly and dark until you look into your soul and see Envy. I did not know that I had Envy and did not know that envy was so powerful and destructive. Out of envy we reach out to take what is not ours: another’s property, another’s wealth, another’s wife, another’s life.

Envy made me unwilling or unable to confess the sin because I was ashame to admit the truth.

[kin]

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself

²Test me, LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind~Psalm 26:2

²¹ but test them all; hold on to what is good, ²² reject every kind of evil.~Thessalonians 5:21-22 (NIV)

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you-unless, of course, you fail the test?~2 Corinthians 13:5  

I finally catch and found Pride and Envy manifesting inside me after 14 years

[kin]

Emotional sobriety is an important factor in recovery. It means being able to confront and cope with all the negative emotions that were ignored when gambling, using drugs or alcohol. These are the feelings that can act as triggers for relapse, so being able to manage them is crucial for recovery and for staying sober over the long-term.

Working toward emotional sobriety is a long process.

Simply stopping gambling or use of a substance and avoiding relapse is not enough. While this may be the first and most urgent part of recovery from an addiction, it is also crucial to address all the negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that were smothered and ignored by gambling, drinking or drug use. Only when they are confronted and managed can someone truly achieve both physical and emotional sobriety.

Avoiding relapse is one of the most important reasons to address negative emotions. Learning to control or manage emotions is to avoid relapsing. Negative feelings are often trigger for behavioral or substance use, and if they are not regulated a relapse becomes nearly inevitable.

Emotional sobriety means being able to experience, confront, and accept all emotions, even the painful ones. It doesn’t mean being happy all the time, but it does mean having a healthy relationship with emotions and using positive strategies to cope with those that are negative.

It is a long process to learn to become emotionally sober.

[kin]

Step 4: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself

“Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” ~1 John 2:15

Psalm 1:1 Do not love it

[kin]

Many times there are people who did not ask me for help but I would tell them what to do.

I was like this in my life. They are like my hostages, they have no where to run. They didnt want to offend or be rude to me so they listen. I never seek their permission or check how they feel about my opinion. I thought they would listen to my message; I can be wrong.

I did not know I love to be heard, and in control of thing until I feel unhappy when I fail to get the attention I want, I would cut in and interupt others rudely when I want to made myself heard.

Maybe they dont want me to tell them. Maybe they dont trust me or they don’t like to be told what to do. People don’t like others to make them feel small and unimportant.

I can see this problem in others, I do not like them but I cannot see myself behaving just like them, I have the same problem. I should have mind my own business.

[kin]

I can tell that I am not in a very good zone now. My food addiction has gone full blown relapse and I have put on almost 9 kg after losing them recently. I lose my discipline and self control totally in life as a result.

I have to stop digging my grave. I will need to do it the only way I know; one baby step at a time, total abstinent one day at a time.

It is useless to complain why me, I was given the chance to experience what it was like to be struggling with so many addictions; sometime all of them do go to sleep at the same time; workaholism, alcoholism, gambling, food etc. but many times at least one of them is awake.

I would sink underwater again and again, each time threatening to drown me but I continue to keep myself alive to tell this story.

[kin]

I struggle with multiple addictions. No one like to suffer from any addiction. It is a sickness that make me continue to harm and sabotage myself.

When I have money, I cannot sleep. When I have none, I can sleep very peacefully.

[kin]

I feel that I would not have lost my friends 25 years ago if I was suffering from other illness and not addiction.

They will understand the sickness and will be more forgiving and supportive but people avoid mentally sick people or addict like me because they are afraid to be harm by them.

Can you imagine the things I have said or do in order to get more money on my worst days in gambling. The damage to my friends was done and all I can say is sorry and sorry.

The last 25 years was like a vacumn. I did nothing worth mentioning in life except surviving and staying alive. Mental illness and addictions nearly took my life.

[Meghna83]

Kin you survived it! You are now aware of your mistakes because you said no more!

your knowledge of yourself through lessons learned shows and you are much stronger than you once were.

life is too short to look back. The old you who lied and took money is no longer here.  Friends come and go. Since I had my baby I have seen less and less of my friends. I will now have to find friends that are mums too so that I can do ‘mum‘ things. I am much closer to family now as it is they that check in often to see how me and my daughter are.

you have come so far and your wisdom really helps us all.

[kin]

Thank you for your kind words. I have been reading your posts too. You are progressing well and the arrival of your baby is God send. I wish both of you good health and many happy days ahead!

[kin]

It was probably my acting out in food that was bringing out the addict in me and it reflected in my writing, I was describing my feeling a lot recently and most, if not all are negative.

It was not all down in my life now, I have recovered from depression for many years, and not required by doctor to go on medication. My relationship with my family member has improve tremendously. Both my mental health and relationship with my family has turn out better than I dream.

However, something never change, I still experience periodic mood swing like anyone, and I still struggle with my multiple addictions, they are something that I have accepted in my life.

I seek progress not perfection in life.

[kin]

How many times have I betted with my life? I was thinking of taking my life if I lose the next big bet. I lost in the end every single time. I didn’t know how but I survived and very quickly gather enough money to gamble one more time again but the ending was the same.
When I really hit the rock bottom and cannot find any more money to gamble, I tried to stop gambling for the first time, change happened and the quality of my life improve.
Every time I relapse and stop gambling again, thing always turn out better than I dream possible.

[kin]

Did I fail one too many times, until I think one more time going total abstinent is not going to change the outcome to my life or make a big difference to the big picture.
Or
Did I fear that the barrier is going to work and I cannot gamble anymore?

[kin]

Today was a gift to me. I chose to take a break from work, and it has given me the privilege of free time to reply to some members here and attend a 12 steps workshop meeting in a recovery center.

Someone in the group was having a crisis, the workshop facilitator was offering some very extreme suggestion. In my heart, I was thinking you are not trained to handle this; are you ready to take the responsibility if your suggestion break up family or did other people harm.

This facilitator always reminded me of my first mentor in humility, both of them facilitate groups but are complete opposite and different. I saw my mentor walked the talk, he respect the Higher Power, the Higher Power here is the group, he will seek the group for advice, according to him, someone in the group may have face this problem before and can share their personal experience.

This facilitator never admit that he does not have all the answer, he has given some of the most extreme suggestion, foolish and ignorant statement I have ever heard in my last 14 years in recovery.

He will not go wrong if he quotes the big book. He should not cross the line, and play God. He should have respected the Higher Power in the form of other counsellors available in the same building and refer the help seeker to them.

I was taught in the program that I don’t need to like the messenger, but I must listen to the message that the messenger carry. This person is the only 12 steps workshop facilitator I know. I was also taught to pick up the things I find useful in the meeting and leave the rest behind.

I still respect this facilitator for his knowledge and experience, I have benefitted and learn much about the program from him in the last 14 years. I am grateful to him, but I do not wish to be like him.

My role model are my mentors. Today was a slow and relaxing day. Thank you God for everything!

[kin]

I was very grateful to this id called Rootless Tree in GT. I was new in GT and did not know how to write. I started reading his thread and it motivated me to start mine.
If you are reading this, I like to say a big thank you, sir!

[kin]

On my way home from work, and saw someone that look and sound like someone very dear to me on the subway train, this person was on the phone talking to someone with the same name as me. I heard my name and was shock. I look down, this too shall pass.

Reached home and my elderly mum expected me to get something done for her so she drama, exaggerate and magnified the matter. I took a deep breath and did not react too strongly. This too shall pass.

I am mindful today that it was not my best day, I was frustrated but did not allow the coincidence and my mum to upset me too much.

If there was such a thing called the spiritual warfare and attack, I must be watchful and not fall into the trap. I shall not act out what the devil or addiction want me to do.

There is progress in my recovery. I did not over react and act out today, it was not like that in the past, every single reason give me an excuse to drink drug womanize gamble and overeat.

Sometime what I see and feel is not real. Listening to this thought called stinking thinking in recovery has got me into trouble so many times, it was best to ignore it and pray…there is power in the name of Jesus Christ.

Thank you God for everything.

[Meghna83]

A very sincere and useful post kin

Thank you

[kin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFcuFD_z1qQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEXsl6Le_Bw

I used to watch them play in the weekend games and to hear them talk about the destructive power of gambling addiction really catch my attention.

[kin]

For it is by grace you have been saved. Through Faith and this is not from yourself. It is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Who does the Bible consider helpless? Everyone! “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” the Bible tells us:

“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless;  there is no one who does good, not even one.” (Romans 3:10-12)

The prophet Isaiah declares that God helps those who are utterly helpless:

You have been a refuge for the poor,  a refuge for the needy in their distress,  a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.
For the breath of the ruthless is like a storm driving against a wall ( Isaiah 25:4)

The reward in recovery is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

[kin]

Dear dairy,

We probably have heard this too many times in recovery, until we start to believe they are true.

I cannot understand the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I really begin to doubt myself and think that I am really insane.

Trying to explain why after I have relapse made me sound like a big loser and failure. Others see this as a weakness.

I will look hopeless and stubborn, not honest, not open and not willing to change, everything I say will sound like an excuse and in denial.

There was so little I heard or so little known to me, and I have no confident. I was afraid to tell others what I am feeling, I was afraid no one will believe me. I choose to keep quiet in the end.

After 14 years in recovery, I have accumulated countless days abstain from all form of self-destructive behavior and also countless days in relapse.

I can now describe my feeling before the relapse and put to words these feelings.

No one will ask someone suffering from high blood pressure why their blood pressure is high, but many will question an addict why they relapse. Recovering addict suffer from a term call Euphoric recall.  

Euphoric recall is a psychological term for the tendency of people to remember past experiences in a positive light, while overlooking negative experiences associated with that event.

I will only remember what gambling can do for me and forget completely what gambling do to me.

In a euphoric recall, my brain only recalled all the fun times and rewards when gambling. All I think was only the fun times and rewards from gambling is one reason that keep me addicted.

I cannot remember all the pain, and destruction from gambling, I cannot remember all the disappointment and frustration, all the self-beating and self-pity that come from gambling against my will.

I cannot remember all the broken, helpless, and hopeless feeling after losing my last dollar, all the guilt and shame when I have no money to feed my family, all the stress and panic when I have no money to service my loans and bills.

I suffer from euphoric recall from time to time. This is just one part of my recovery, I cannot control the thought and feeling that comes to my brain, but I can learn not to follow these lies or distorted thinking. All is not lost, I can really do something. There is hope.

[kin]

Counteract Euphoric Recall And the Desire To Test Control

Two important risk factors for relapse are EUPHORIC RECALL and the DESIRE TO TEST CONTROL over GAMBLING.

Euphoric recall is the act of remembering only the pleasures associated with GAMBLING and not the adverse consequences.

Euphoric recall is a potent relapse risk factor because it MINIMIZES perceptions of GAMBLING ‘s DANGER, promoting AMBIVALENCE about quitting. It minimizes the DANGER of what GAMBLING CAN DO TO US and promote what GAMBLING CAN DO FOR US.

For these reasons, so-called “war stories” that include EUPHORIC RECALL and SELECTIVE MEMORY are POWERFUL relapse TRIGGERS and should be STRONGLY DISCOURAGE in recovery groups.

After beginning to feel healthier, more in control of their lives, and free of some of their GAMBLING problems, some feel that they are ready to try a new approach to GAMBLING.

For example,

Some may FEEL that if they are “CAREFUL,” they can GAMBLE without losing control over their GAMBLING.

Others may feel that this is a good time to try GAMBLING “one last time,” just to see if they can do it without escalating into compulsive use and loss of control.

URGES TO TEST THEIR CONTROL OVER GAMBLING ARE A POWERFUL RELAPSE WARNING SIGN!!!

UGLY REMINDERS, can help us make LISTS of NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES of GAMBLING, which can be reviewed when we experience CRAVING, fantasize about CONTROL GAMBLING, or reliving past experiences with GAMBLING.

[kin]

The AMBIVALENCE THOUGHTS I had about quitting as a result of euphoric recall make me suffer for many years.

I made matter worst when I compare myself to people who are successful in recovery but don’t talk about their ambivalence thoughts and euphoric recall. 

Why can’t I be like my mentor who talk the walk and walk the talk. I condemn myself more, and feel like a hypocrite.

Today I have accepted who I am. I am a recovering addict and all the things that has happen to me is normal. I feel very comfortable with myself because I can already see the baby steps progress I made over years by the mercy and grace of God.

My recovery was not perfect, my life was not perfect but life is much improve now. There is more peace, gratitude contentment and joy, less pain and suffering each day. I am thankful for all that as i wake up each morning knowing I have survive another day by the power, mercy and grace of God, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

[jen3]

Your post about euphoric is what I experience every relapse. Bound and determined to “stay in front of my addiction” this time around so the same old cycle does not repeat itself.

[kin]

What can Gambling do to me?

I cannot remember

all the pain, and destruction from gambling

all the disappointment and frustration

all the self-beating and self-pity that come from gambling against my will.

all the broken, helpless, and hopeless feeling after losing my last dollar

all the guilt and shame when I have no money to feed my family

all the stress and panic when I have no money to service my loans and bills.

all the remorse and regrets when I lie, cheat and steal from my victims to gamble.

[jen3]

Hope you are doing well Kin. That’s exactly the cycle I go through. This time I will lean on God harder than ever before in hopes he intervenes and helps me not to dwell on my past but also helps me to remember the chaos and that he gives me the strength to work through the urges if and when they come again.

[kin]

Gambling is fun, exciting and thrilling

relief boredom and stress

entertaining and rewarding

Gambling encourages courage and risk-taking.

Smart gamblers can make profits.

This question talked people into gambling

It reminded people they are not stupid

Who will be so stupid to give up winning.

[kin]

Gambling lead to broken family, failed relationships, loss of jobs and severe debt. 

It also lead to mental health problems including depression, anxiety, and mood disorders.

I become mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically a bankrupt. 

Chasing losses made me powerless, helpless, and mentally tired as my trouble become deeper. 

Gambling made me impatient, reckless, irresponsible, easily irritable,  impulsive, compulsive and  hot tempered.

I have big winnings and cannot stop thinking about gambling. I need to return to gamble 

If I had lost all my money, I need to chase the loss, I become desperate and will go to all length to borrow, lie, cheat and steal to gamble some more.

I go over and over guilty feelings and cannot stop thinking about problems

Gambling threaten to get me kick out of the house again and again. 

Gambling made me so broke that I cannot afford a roof over my head. 

I was so broke that I had to borrow from legal and illegal money lenders to cover up my next repayment. I accumulated so much debt that I was living in so much stress and misery.

I cannot focus and keep a job. Livelihood was a big concern.

I avoided people and people avoided me. I lost all my friends. I was afraid to let my new friend know that I was a problem gambler and a broke. My existing friends avoided me because I never change, they dont want to help or lend me any more money. I also avoided those friend that has help me and lend me money because I cannot keep my promise and have no money to return them.

I feel depress, and have problem falling asleep

I turn to heavy drinking to numb my feeling

I become suicidal

Is it worth it?

[kin]

What are the advantages when you stop gambling?

Peace and stability has return to the house. My family can feel safe when they return home. They are no longer threaten by my presence. They are no longer living in fear; fearful that I will hurt and harm them by asking huge sum of money in the shortest notice.

Imagine how they must have felt when I step into their house, I reminded them of the reason why their hard earn saving are depleted. I reminded them of hell, I was the reason for their pain and suffering.

Its been a few years since I started contributing to the family every month. They never expected me to do this, they must have given up hope on me that I can help. I hope their old wounds are healing now.

I never have too much money, or too little money, they alway feel like not enough but is alway enough to pay for all the bills every month. I do not have to worry about the dateline for the repayments.

I cannot afford to purchase a flat on my first year in recovery. Fast forward 14 years later, I am the proud owner of one.

If I stop gambling, I am no more living in guilt or regrets from gambling. I start to live in peace, freedom, and satisfaction everyday.

I am not in living in constant fear and worry now. I am not living in pain, anxiety, helplessness, and hopelessness. I am not in the self pity, self beating, depressive mood. I am not living in misery and despair. I am a free man.

to be updated… 

[kin]

If I stop gambling now, there’s no way I can pay back all the money I owe.

If I have money and stop gambling, they are always not enough.

If I stop gambling, I have less and less money or none after spending on necessities and living expenses.

If I stop gambling, I do not have enough money for retirement.

If I stop gambling, I may feel lonely and boredom, restlessness and  irritability, stress and helpless.

If I stop gambling and I spot a winning match, I cannot gamble on the winning team to win money. I had to give up winning with gambling totally. This made me feel like a fool and I start to doubt myself and experiences discomfort whether it is right to win money. 

[kin]

These questions highlighted all our skill deficits,

It show that either we have never learn this thing

or

we need to relearn these things.

If I use gambling to relief stress, I will need to learn new stress reduction techniques

If I use gambling to socialize, I will need to learn to socialize without the gambling.

If I use gambling to alleviate boredom, I will need to find other things to deal with my time.

If I use gambling to made money, I will need to learn other way to made money without gambling.

If I use gambling, alcohol, drug, food and sex for pleasure, I will need to do other things to find pleasure for example – movie, music, art, photography, computer games

If I gamble when I was upset, or angry, I will need to do other things without gambling when I am upset and angry

If I gamble when money is not enough and a dateline for full repayment is near. I must stay calm and be patient, I can choose to take a longer time to service those debt and loans without gambling. 

[kin]

When under high stress, many recovering people begin to have difficulty thinking clearly, managing feelings and emotions, and remembering things.
One of the main culprits leading to these problems appears to be a tendency to OVER REACT to stress. . . .
Eventually the ability to sleep and rest is disrupted. This heightens stress and fatigue to the point where people become accident-prone / prone to relapse.

[kin]

Job 1: 6 – 11 Good News Translation (GNT)

⁶ When the day came for the heavenly beings^[b] to appear before the Lord, Satan^[c] was there among them. ⁷ The Lord asked him, “What have you been doing?”

Satan answered, “I have been walking here and there, roaming around the earth.”

⁸ “Did you notice my servant Job?” the Lord asked. “There is no one on earth as faithful and good as he is. He worships me and is careful not to do anything evil.”

⁹ Satan replied, “Would Job worship you if he got nothing out of it? ¹⁰ You have always protected him and his family and everything he owns. You bless everything he does, and you have given him enough cattle to fill the whole country. ¹¹ But now suppose you take away everything he has—he will curse you to your face!”

¹² “All right,” the Lord said to Satan, “everything he has is in your power, but you must not hurt Job himself.” So Satan left.

[kin]

Job 1: 13 – 22 Good News Translation (GNT)

¹³ One day when Job’s children were having a feast at the home of their oldest brother, ¹⁴ a messenger came running to Job. “We were plowing the fields with the oxen,” he said, “and the donkeys were in a nearby pasture. ¹⁵ Suddenly the Sabeans^[d] attacked and stole them all. They killed every one of your servants except me. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

¹⁶ Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, “Lightning struck the sheep and the shepherds and killed them all. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

¹⁷ Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, “Three bands of Chaldean^[e] raiders attacked us, took away the camels, and killed all your servants except me. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

¹⁸ Before he had finished speaking, another servant came and said, “Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son, ¹⁹ when a storm swept in from the desert. It blew the house down and killed them all. I am the only one who escaped to tell you.”

²⁰ Then Job got up and tore his clothes in grief. He shaved his head and threw himself face downward on the ground. ²¹ He said, “I was born with nothing, and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May his name be praised!”

²² In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming God.

[kin]

I had coffee with many newcomers over the years.

I realized that I have grown with them too. They will always talk about what the devil in the form of alcohol, drug, gambling, sexual partner can do for them. I didn’t know the destructive power of such talk until I relapse later.

It can affect the listener too if they are also a recovery person and not in the safe environment of a support group meeting. It can bring back the memories of my romance with the devil.

Yesterday, I tactfully and gently interrupted the process by asking the person what has the devil done to him. I manage to convince him from glorifying the devil and see the real damage that the devil has achieve in the end.

I need to do this to save myself, this glorifying the devil talk can harm both of us in the end.

[kin]

I attended an NA meeting today. I saw the NA STEP WORKING GUIDE right infront of me on the table. I feel that the Higher Power is telling me to pass this to a newcomer that I met for the first time yesterday. He was 9 months clean and very hungry to learn, he was unhappy and impatient that the sponsor is holding back something from him. I hear him out and knew the Working Guidebook is what he needed. After the meeting, I bought this book and give it to the newcomer with the blessing of his recovery sponsor.

He was so excited to receive the Working Guidebook, I told him it was OK to underline or highlight the book, he told me he does that and took out his NA basic textbook to show me all the highlighted important messages.

His finger pointed to the highlighted sentence on Reservation and he became my messenger on what to share here today. I have change drug use to gambling below.

NA Basic Text, p. 79

Reservations

 “Relapse is never an accident. Relapse is a sign that we have a reservation in our program.”

A reservation is something we set aside for future use. In our case, a reservation is the expectation that, if such-and-such happens, we will surely relapse.

What event do we expect will be too painful to bear?

Maybe we think that if a spouse or lover leaves us, we will gamble.

If we lose our job, we will gamble.

If we do not have enough money to settle all the bills, we are stress and will gamble

Or maybe it’s the death of a loved one that we expect to be unbearable.

The reservations we harbor give us permission to gamble when they come true.

We can prepare ourselves for them instead of relapse.

By examining our expectations and altering them where we can. Most of us carry within us a catalog of anticipated misery closely related to our fears. We can learn how to survive pain by watching other members live through similar pain.

We can apply their lessons to our own expectations.

Instead of telling ourselves we will have to gamble if this happens, we can quietly reassure ourselves that we, too, can stay clean through whatever life brings us today.

Just for Today: I will check for any reservations that may endanger my recovery and share them with another addict.

[kin]

Newcomer walking into my life in recovery has challenge me to keep my honesty.
I will not forgive myself if I tell them to work the steps when I do not do it myself.

[kin]

It is very rewarding, fruitful and exciting watching one by one including me saved by the power, mercy and grace of God.

I really don’t know what to do and have no plan.

I just wish to focus on my own recovery and I pray for God’s will to be done, not mine. Amen.

Everyone is like a pot that carries life. But not everyone carries a presence that blesses others. Religion tries to force people to follow laws to make them perfect, like pots without cracks. But if a light is put within a flawless pot and then covered, no one can see the light inside the pot. Perfect pots are not able to reveal internal light to illumine the way for others.

God chooses to shine through imperfect, cracked pots. People are blessed when their cracked pot let the light of God shine through into other cracked pots.

Choose to be a glory filled, cracked pot rather than an empty, pretty vessel.

[kin]

but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,

[kin]

Met Mr. Ken L here many years ago. He was a wonderful teacher. I never forget the good orderly direction he gave me when carrying the recovery message to others.

My mission is to throw the life saver to the man in the water, I don’t jump in the water.

Thank you brother. I never forget.

[kin]

Family, work, money and recovery are looking good for me. They are all heading in the right direction now. Everything feels sweet now.

However, too much of any one thing will upset the rest and balance for me. I am taking time off to rest and let thing fall into place naturally today. I needed to take a break from everything.

I do not wish to be like my first mentor; helping newcomer feel like a full time job and too overwhelming for me.

I do not like to lose the peace and freedom I have now. I don’t feel comfortable or maybe it is a sign that I am not ready.

May Gods will be done, not mine.

[kin]

How do I do it?

I need to learn how to do it and guess it will take me years. 

[kin]

How many times have I regretted and wish I have never gamble, drank or acted out at people, work or food.

1. What would I have done differently if I was given a second chance?

2. What did I do after I was given a second chance?

After wrong doing, I promise to stop.

But given a second chance, I continue do it again.

[kin]

Stop gambling and there is no more debt and depression from gambling.

The heavy debt and serious depression does not come from unemployment and broken relationship.

Fear blind me and make me look at all the wrong places

[kin]

If I can rest and do nothing. I would not have acted out in alcohol, sex, gambling, drug, food and at people, at home, at work.

The drop in center I patronize since Aug 2005 was the best thing to happen to someone like me ever.

Recovering addicts just drop-in to the most comfortable air conditioned lounge area with TV, computer, books, games, exercise machine to be with other people who want to stop their self destructive behaviors.

We can just sit and chat with one anothers, or just lie down and relax, or we can sleep and quiet down on the sofa or the carpeted floor. It is a safe haven.

Wow! I appreciate it even more now after describing the place.

 

[kin]

Gambling can mess up my mood, it affect my work, relationship with people and sleep, I lose my peace whether I win or lose.

[kin]

I love this parable. I feel that I am not even worthy and deserving to be like this wonderful woman. I am leaking all the time and trying hard to give away what is left of me. I do not have much left. I have to depend on God’s grace.

[kin]

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,

we tried to carry this message to other suffering addicts,

and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.”

Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.

The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.

The principles we have set down are guides to progress.

We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

[kin]

I learn to stay positive and give up my unrealistic expectations in life while I walk my  journey in recovery.

I read in How It Works of the 12 steps recovery program that we are not saint.

I read in the bible that no one is righteous, not even one in the book of Roman 3:10

This is what I need to hear because I was a perfectionist.

(I was actually suffering in recovery for many years because I could not attain perfection in my recovery and I feel guilty and ashamed about it.)

I start to experience gratitude and contentment in my imperfect life and progress in recovery

I no longer live in misery and start to live in joy.

[kin]

A new friend keep texting me his favorite recovery slogan.

[kin]

From this day onward, I will call myself Zero in meeting.

[kin]

it is obvious, timing is not mine

God”s plan will not fail 

[kin]

Insanity was the act of placing my first bet and picking up the first glass

[kin]

Hoping against hope was when I think that I can gamble / drink like a normal person

[kin]

I’m emotionally sober when my beliefs and feelings about me match the facts about me. In other words,
When what I know to be true about myself
and what I believe and feel about myself
are pretty much consistent.
When I’m emotionally sober and the facts show I’m a good person, I believe I’m a good person, and I feel good about myself.
And when I’m emotionally sober the input of other affects me, but it does not determine what I believe and how I feel about myself.
Self-respect, self worth and any other positive feelings about myself come from within me.

[kin]

Emotional unsoberness exists when what I believe and feel about myself is inconsistent, with what is obviously true about me.

My beliefs and feelings about me don’t match the facts about me.

When I’m emotionally unsober, even though the facts clearly show I’m a good person, I can’t seem to believe I am. Nor do I feel good about myself.

When I’m emotionally unsober, the input of others almost totally determines what I believe and how I feel about me.

I looked to others to give me a good feeling and give me self-esteem feeling of self worth and belonging.

In short, and this is how crazy it is: I depend on others to tell me how to feel about me.

You don’t have to be a recovering addict in recovery to be emotionally sober or unsober.

Question: yes or no:

1. Do you accept criticism well?

2. Are you usually hurt or angered by criticism?

3. Do you have a difficult time accepting compliments?

4. Do others think more highly of you than you do of yourself?

5. Do you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself?

6. Does what other say about you unduly influence your feelings and beliefs about yourself?

7. Do you often do a good job and know it, but don’t feel good about it?

8. Do you often feel like a loser – even though you know you’re a good person?

9. Do you often put yourself down?

10. Looking honestly at your life, do you treat yourself very well?

11. Do you treat other better than you treat yourself?

12. Do you do nice things for others in order to get attention or compliments?

13. When you express love for someone are you hurt when he or she doesn’t respond in kind?

14. Do you often feel afraid, even though you know everything’s okay?

15. Do you often feel you’re not enough?

16. Do you often feel you’re falling short of what you should be and what you should do?

17. Does it bother you a great deal when you know that someone dislikes or disapproves of you?

18. Do you often refrain from doing or saying what you know you should for fear of how other may react to it?

19. Do your feelings depend on how your significant other is treating you? 

20. Do you feel you’re a good person no matter what others may think?

How’d you do?

If you answered several of these questions in the affirmative, you’re probably emotionally unsober to some degree.

Although emotional unsoberness is not confined to those in recovery, it’s especially important to them, because it is the stage in recovery through which those in recovery will invariably pass.

[kin]

I met up with my mentor over coffee, we talk about my multiple addictions and progress in recovery. He reminded me of the master of all these addictions.

[kin]

I was happy that making amend to the people I have hurt in the past is set in motion, I am working towards this long term goal, I may not have made amend to everyone but I am making amend to someone all the time.

[MurrS7]

I’ve just read majority of your thread and it is one of the most touching , raw, reads I’ve come across on here. I have gained so much wisdom from your words and I have felt every emotion in this roller coaster that you explained. I really am lost for words except thank you, thank you for all the wisdom I have just gained . It’s crazy because only a cg and an addict can understand truly what you are saying. I have been an addict for over 15 years. Drugs, alcohol, and gambling go hand in hand for me. Get drunk, get urge to gamble .. all logic gets thrown out window. Win… do drugs and Alcohol to celebrate my win. Lose- do drugs and alcohol to mask my pain. Insane right ? So not just emotional sadness. Despair, hurt, anguish, self pity from gambling, but now comes in the depressant of alcohol and drugs on top of losing your last dollar and can’t even afford food or bills. It’s just crazy how far us gamblers can take it. Quitting many things as once is the hard part too.. now I’m trying to quit gambling, booze, drugs, one is hard enough !! Like you I will go back to GA, AA, and NA if I have to do all three to beat this addictive lifestyle. Your words really touched me and motivated me to be stronger. The euphoric recall is bang on.. whenever I relapsed I would think ok I can be smarter this time and leave while ahead; I never think of the feeling of losing and what it
Does to our brain and finances. This is exactly how the story ends even if I do win and be smart even for a week, leave while up, eventually my brain gets highjacked and I end up losing all winnings, start chasing and lose every penny available to gamble with, then the cycle starts again, Beat ourself up, take
A break, save money, feel great, here comes the part where our brains think we can be smarter once again, only to repeat the same thing over and over. Ah… torture at its finest . I guess I am a sucker for pain. I wish you well kin. God bless

[kin]

I had to change my expectation in my recovery to a more realistic one, otherwise I was hoping for the impossible and setting myself up to fail again.

Over the years, good thing and bad thing do happen to me in recovery whether I like it or not. Sometimes it is not necessary my fault, sometime you do not look for trouble but trouble can come looking for you.

Having a realistic expectation prepared me for things to come in the future and when they do appear, I do not have to react to them. There is no need for me to press the self-destructive button.

“Sometimes you just need to bow your head, say a prayer and weather the storm.”

“Sometimes not doing anything, is doing something.”

[kin]

My mentor feels that the journey I traveled in recovery will lead to something.

When I spoke to my mentor about my multiple addiction to substance and behavior. He pointed to the cause behind my every addiction – my emotion.

As our relationship mature, I really wonder tonight whether we will start an emotional anonymous group one day which is not available in Singapore yet and shall catered to a bigger group of people. The meeting place is ready, the right people is ready.

I did not tell him about my feeling yet but will wait and see. I have a gut feel, but everything depend on God’s will, not mine. Only time will tell…..

It is definitely about emotional sobriety!

According to the doctor, I have recovered from depression, I went for check up 2 separate times on my own and the doctor told me I have no depression.

I was addicted to everything; alcohol, drug, food, gambling, sex, internet surfing, work and maybe other thing that I did not mention.

I believe I maybe halfway or not even halfway through, but I have already experience the miraculous changes and benefits in my life and is now a strong believer of the 12 steps and 12 promises mention below. These are benefits that I dare not even imagine when I first started out.

Promise 1: If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.

Promise 2: We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness

Promise 3: We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Promise 4: We will comprehend the word serenity and know peace.

Promise 5: No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

Promise 6: The feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

Promise 7: We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Promise 8: Self-seeking will slip away.

Promise 9: Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Promise 10: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

Promise 11: We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

Promise 12: We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin, thank you for your lovely post to me on Vera’s thread . Your unexpected but much appreciated compliment has really helped me to notice the progress I am making .

We can only write the words that are in our hearts at any time – sometimes those words do not read as we intended and sometimes what is in our hearts does not show us in a good light.
I have never heard of the 12 promises before but it was really helpful to read and notice how many of them are starting to happen in my life. Of course it is early days and I am still impatient for number 10 , financial security, to happen.

Hope you have a great day in recovery Kin.

[kin]

If I have succeeded in ending my life.

1. I would not be there to help a few person at their most helpless and hopeless moments. These people has either survive a suicide or are contemplating suicide, most have lost all hope, direction and motivation to live.

2. I would not see myself providing the family every month now and returning a sibling one lump sum of SGD$70,000 real soon.

3. I would not have own a fully paid small property today. If I was kick out of the house in the past, I really have nowhere to stay, I could not afford one.

4. I would not have reconcile with the family today, everything turn out better than I thought possible.

For me, my hopeless end has turn into endless hope. This is the hope that I tell other people in recovery. These things can happen but it would not have happen if I am dead. 

What I did is nothing compare to many but it is everything to me. My favorite parable is the poor widow offering, those 2 copper coins is everything she had.

How do I want to finish my race? How do I want my love ones to remember me in my remaining years?

[kin]

I cannot see a future. It was and always will be living on faith and believing in something I cannot see; believing that life will get better in recovery.

Every time I stay stop for a period and see light, it will suddenly turn into darkness with each slip and relapse.

If there was any hope, it was not strong. It really take a lot of resilience, perseverance, determination, endurance to keep believing and living. it was all about getting up every single time you get knock down and move on. There will be pain and hardships.

There was a lot of fear and uncertainties in my recovery but when the time is right, life would unfold and reveal itself to show the beautiful gift and reward.

 Guess what…I still cannot see a future.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
None of us can see the future ,but God can and He has planned for each of us to live the life He has chosen for us .
Perhaps there will be a time when we can see what is ahead but for now it is enough to know that we are fulfilling His purpose.
There so greatness in the ordinary -every morning we wake up and take a breath – that is indeed a miracle .
Keep strong Kin – God will reveal his Plan for you in His time.

[vera]

“Two men looked out from prison bars; one saw mud, the other saw stars”. Dale Carnegie. Keep hoping, Kin!

[kin]

Thank you Vera and I did it, your encouragement was just what I needed to start my day. You gave me strength.

It made a difference on days when I feel vulnerable.

[kin]

On some days in recovery, the pain that life realities throw at me is really greater than the pain of addiction.

I was angry with my 89 years old mum last night, I had wanted to bring the whole family out for a good dinner but my mum start questioning me whether I had my payday and complain to me that my sibling was late in giving her the money. I was very angry because bringing the whole family out for dinner have nothing to do with my payday and my sibling not giving her money. This has always been how my mum control and manipulate her children to give her money by making us feel ashame and guilty.

I walk out of the house and just sat at the bus stop for a long time. I could have gamble and take alcohol to numb myself, it was just a thought but I did not. After not doing it for some time, I am less impulsive and compulsive.

My 83 years old neighbour doing his evening exercise saw me, he always ask me not to dwell in unhappy memories from the past.

I felt that holding on to my old ways and old beliefs only bring me more misery because “I wanted” to bring the whole family out for an expensive dinner. It was my way.

I remember the teaching and direction, I did not forget to honor my parent and family first. Something in my head tell me to give up my will. Immediately I felt peace.

I am no more fighting. I was earlier fighting to keep the money to bring the whole family out for an expensive dinner. I have decided to stretch my credit card repayment plan by one more month and give my mum some money that will make her happy and bring the family out for dinner.

I found out that sacrificing my will and my way release me from pain and struggle and gave me freedom and peace.

I will loses my recovery if I honor others before my parent and family. I did not react and press the self-destructive button. I notice the progress in recovery.

In the past, I would have self destructed and spend many times more losing the money in drinking and gambling.

[kin]

A bad person can do good deeds. A selfish person can do unselfish things. An addict can learn to live like a normal person. 

This is the best experience I have in recent years working with very new recovery person. I need to study and understand about my obsession, impulsive and compulsive behavior before I can share it with them. I get to know my problem and weakness better.

After abstaining from behavior and substance for a period of time, I will become less impulsive and I do not act out my thought immediately anymore. I also do not become compulsive immediately after the first time. This was the progress in my recovery, but it can also be a reason or excuse for complacency in recovery and allow compulsive gambling, alcohol, sex, eating to return.

If I was ACTIVE in gambling, alcohol, and eating, the COMPULSIVE gambling, drinking, and eating will return ONE DAY.

The first sign of trouble for me was the obsessive thought, the second sign of trouble for me  was sleepless night. If I allow the acting out to happen and not limit myself. If I do not put a brake and stop the acting out, the brake will gradually disappear, and I could not stop myself from wanting to do more gambling, drinking and eating later.

The sleepless night mess up everything in my life, I cannot focus at work and do not have the energy and stamina to finish my work, I risk losing my job.

When night come, the obsessive thought will appears, I remember becoming impulsive and following my thoughts; I act out these thoughts for many years. I do not think very hard about the consequences of my action, it was like when “the thought come”, I “just do it”.

Today, I am less impulsive, I remember the negative consequences and try to drop the idea and not follow the thought. If I do act out and follow the thought when I wanted more, I was becoming impulsive without considering the serious consequences later, I do not put on all the excess weight overnight.

The risk of compulsive behavior returning for me is high, I would lose control of my gambling over time, suddenly I will be betting more money than I normally do, and I also cannot stop myself from placing the next bet. I need to gamble some more.

The right thing to do for me is not to place the next bet and allow normal sleep to return to my life. The wisest thing to do is not to place the first bet.

It is easy to talk the walk; it was not easy to walk the talk all the time. My thoughts drift all the times and I do made mistake.

This is the reason why I need to continue writing about my thought, feeling and action plan here, I also need to attend support group meetings and get connected with other recovering people. It did not made me perfect, and my addiction did not disappear but my problem is less serious now. This is the Hope that I was looking. This is the Hope that keep me believing.

Dont stop believing!

[kin]

Everything feel like they are in the right place right now. It is good time for me now. I must treasure the good time while I can, because good times like good weather can come and go.

Love one, good health, and good job do not stay with me forever. My current job has serve me well, the salary has help me do responsible thing for the family.

I have struggle with my credit card debt and was very happy to settle everything this month from unexpected big sport winning.

I will not allow gambling to ruin my life now. There are other more important thing in life.

Nothing is permanent, things can change. What is mine today can be taken away tomorrow. This is life.

The bible and the 12 steps recovery program has given me a direction in making amend to my family. God is good and the program works.

I cannot live life like there is no tomorrow now. I will not live forever, my health is not in the best condition; I must stop my compulsive eating behaviors.

I need to fast again – done this successfully a few times. When I am lighter, it would be good to start exercising.

[kin]

I was punting for 3 weeks on sport and it leads me to suffer from some mental obsession lately.

I keep thinking and c.o.u.n.t.i.n.g over and over again about how much I have, it was the sum of 5 month salary, they are all winning from sport betting.

I have used the money to clear all my credit card debt. I was still afraid that I would make the same old mistake of losing all the money away uncontrollably. If the gambling stops now, there is nothing for me to fear.

I was afraid of my debt becoming bigger as a result of gambling, so I keep checking. I knew that the ending of continue gambling is always the same.

So instead of enjoying the success of winning, it was turning into fear and anxiety. I was not comfortable gambling anymore.

I was shock and surprise that the c.o.u.n.t.i.n.g were like a ritual and fix that my head must do, it was like a drug that I must have; thinking and checking about the same thing over and over again, makes me feel relief and satisfied. It was an obsessive compulsive behavior.

I tried to stop this behavior by writing it down and keeping it in an excel spread sheet so that I can look at it and dont have to c.o.u.n.t again but it wasn’t working! I still do the mental calculation or with the calculator on my phone over and over again every day to double check the amount.

It was really a waste of my time and carrying this thought consumes all my energy.

I knew something was wrong. I do not wish to lose myself and my self-control becoming impulsive and compulsive one day. It is time to call it stop.

[kin]

Recently I have encourage a newcomer (not a gambler) to be very familiar with obsessive, impulsive and compulsive behavior. I felt that recognizing them can alert us and save us from uncontrollable wrong doing. I didnt know that helping this newcomer have save me.

I notice that I was less impulsive after I have stop gambling for a period of time. I may have thought about gambling from time to time but was slow to act. This has given me time to respond and do other healthy thing instead.

But after I start gambling for a period of time, I start to notice that I was struggling to sleep normally. I was also becoming more and more impulsive slowly and was gambling without carefully thinking about gambling in the end. I also start to become obsessive and compulsive about checking my money over and over again that was a waste of time and energy but it gives me comfort, relief and satisfaction, a very strong sign I was falling sick due to gambling.

I would not have this much awareness if I was not familiarizing myself with them before I share with this newcomer. This awareness has help me to stop gambling when I smell and saw danger before I lost all control of myself.

The power does not come from within me. I was save by someone or something more powerful and bigger than me.

[kin]

This is what gambling addiction can do to me. I need the money now to gamble. I want to win back my money now. I cannot wait another day, I cannot postpone this. I was very impatient and anxious to gamble now. I could not stop gambling and become very compulsive, I keep gambling and gambling all the way, I did not want to walk away.

I cannot think properly and become very impulsive; I want it now; I want it quick ; I want it today; I want it immediately and become very very careless, I cannot think before I do it…slowly and carefully.

There are very heavy consequences and price to pay for this action and I do not care anymore. I have become reckless and foolish, I want high risk gamble, those all or nothing gamble, make or break gamble.

I can walk away from the gamble, I can postpone the gamble, I can stop the gamble but I did not do it. I allow the gambling to happen.

In my heart, I do care about not doing wrong and harm to self and others but many times when the disease of addiction takes over me and hijack my brain. The thinking and feeling is the same at that critical moments, I do not care anymore, I want to “just do it”.

1. I will use money mean for feeding or providing the family and paying the bill

2. I will do crazy sum of cash advance withdrawal from my credit card in the shortest time.

3. I will steal money and use money that do not belong to me.

4. I will tell lies and cheat to borrow money.

5. I will inconvenient myself to get to the money; regardless of the distance.

6. Gambling take up so much time, I have no time for my lover and I cannot focus on work and risk losing my lover and job. 

It is doing me and people around me harm but I could not stop myself. I just want to continue gambling.

This is all darkness; it was very different from the beginning days when I was less impulsive; I can chose to stay stop and give up the gamble; I can chose to walk away and do other things; I can chose to postpone the gamble; I can chose to place the smallest bet.

The addiction have hijack and taken over the brain and causing all these self destructive and insane actions.

Everything will stop, they will surely stop, if it is not today, that day will come after I have lost my last dollar. When that day arrive, you can actually feel a strange good feeling, it was a relief and calm because there is no more struggle.

Note:

I have won more than 12000 dollars over 3 weeks with my last salary and paid all my credit card debt and misc bills.

My brain was hijack last night. I went into full blown relapse,I became very impulsive and compulsive. I lost the 1100 on me and withdraw cash advance of 2200 from one credit card and 2000 from the other. This is not normal,I never needed so much money to gamble in the last 3 weeks.

I lost everything and needed somemore money to gamble somemore. This felt very urgent like an emergency! When did wanting to gamble become an emergency but it has happen to me many times when I want to act out my addiction.

I cannot withdraw money from both credit cards. The credit limit for one card have been lower from 7200 to 2200, despite chasing them, they cannot grant me a credit limit increase on the spot, it takes days to process. I am laughing thinking about it now. The other credit card was swallow up by the ATM  and showing machine error. Of cos I was disappointed and angry, I tried to find ways to get money to gamble and called them, again they will take days to give me a new replacement card.

I woke up today mindful that the ending was still the same, I did not escape the consequences with everything I know. 

Looking back, last night was one of those night that threaten to wipeout everything I have recovered. Let this be a lesson to me, if I do not build a rock solid house recovery, this distructive force will visit me again just like those seasonal typhoon or hurricane winds and try to take everything away that we have rebuild.

I was mindful and grateful that I could have lost another 10,000 if I have hold on to the cash and not use it to pay my credit card and bank loans.  

It was not my decision to lower the credit card limit and definitely a co incident that my credit card got swallow up by the ATM machine at the critical moment. I have check and there was no machine error on the screen before I push in my card. I could be wipeout of any last dollar that I can lay my hand on last night if I was not save by a power greater than me.

This is as honest as I can get in my journal. I really never think that this can happen again but it did all the times.

My imperfect journey here continue till my last breathe.

[kin]

I have no hard cash with me and the urge is no more there. I do not have that “need to gamble feeling”. I have just lost 2 months salary and created a new credit card, I do not know about the “need to gamble feeling” from new and old debt now, I guess they will come, I will have to deal with it when it arrive. I really felt better today than yesterday when I need to be in the thick of action.

[MurrS7]

I feel for you man- truly.
I can not ***** how many times I have been in your position and that feeling of chasing my initial loss until I can’t take out any more money- calling my bank asking to increase limits and being so angry when they tell me they can’t. Waiting until the clock hits midnight so it’s a new day so I can take out another cash advance to try and get my loss back. I can not tell you how many tines I have won my losses back, paid off my debts – feel so happy on top
Of the world!! Just for the next day to come and lose it all again and go into another debt deeper than the one I was in with higher interest rates from cash advances. I know your pain you are feeling all too well. It is sickening how impulsive we are when it comes to gambling and anything to do with addiction. Alcohol I can’t have one drink, need to drink until blackout and forget what happened-
Food- can’t have one meal have to have meal then another then desert then snack
Gamble – can’t have set limit and then leave when it’s gone , have to stay until lose everything and max our all cards for the daily limit
The list goes on and on and on
And I really hope we can figure this out and beat it for good. Once and for all!! I believe in you kin. You are not alone. I am right here fighting with you , and if I can do it, so can you.
Never stop believing there is a chance to live addiction free.
Praying for you , kin.

Take care

[kin]

The difference between now and my past gambling experiences was my mindfulness today.

I have a higher awareness and the ability to see myself progressively falling sick and becoming more obsessive, impulsive, and compulsive as it happened.

The heavy damage was done to my winning run of 12K. I have lost 5K and later lost another 3k in a losing streaks before I stop. I could see the remaining 4K winning disappearing too if I continue gambling.

The nightmare of borrowing to gamble will start, and a new mountain of unmanageable debt would be created.

I need to discontinue the gambling now and prevent further damage done before it destroyed my life completely.

The real damage was already done to my health mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

I was losing my sleep and my focus on God, family and my job.

I lost my freedom; I became a slave trapped in chasing the winning and losing in gambling.

I am losing the same peace and joy that I had when I live simply or have little or nothing.

There is only one ending for a still compulsive gambler like me if I continue gambling all the way. It is a life full of destruction, pain and suffering. I don’t want that!

The disease of addiction and my need to gamble is an illness, it does me harm and affect the normal function of my life.

[kin]

After stopping gambling for a period of time, I actually become less obsess with my gambling, and I become less impulsive and less compulsive in gambling.

But once I return to gambling, I gradually and slowly become more and more obsess, impulsive and compulsive in gambling. There is a point of no return when I become hook and cannot stop my self-destruction. 

Must stop now before I become hook.

[kin]

I have not gamble but I am not in a good place today. I was getting flash back of the opportunistic gamble that I have missed and could have won lately.

I also regretted over my latest gambling loss and felt ashamed of what that money could’ve been used on. The urge to try to win it back creeps in during such times.

I am only thinking about what gambling can do for me and not thinking about what gambling can do to me. It was a struggle for a while.

[kin]

I have always acted out my desire and did the wrong thing, but now I can do the right thing and not act out my desire.

I always have plan for my money and not provide for the family in the past, but now I will provide for the family first before I listen to my plan for the money.

It can be stressful doing the right thing but the stress from doing the wrong things can be many time worst! 

[kin]

I was suddenly depressed and felt very fearful and stress. I needed an instant gratification or high from gambling, alcohol, or sex.

On a trip back home in the afternoon, I saw an automobile accident just as it happened next to a bus stop near me, at another bus stop, I saw someone my age struggling to walk, each step was slow and difficult, this person looked like a recovering stroke patient. I also met a friend today, he was older than me and doing the same type of work but he complaint that he has just lost his job.

My job is insecure but intact now, my health is not perfect but I am alive, and can still do work. I remember the saying “I cried because I have no shoe to wear until I met someone with no legs.” It brought back some gratitude and content back into my life.

Today was the last day in November, it will soon be over, all my gambling is history. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start, a new hope in December, I will take baby steps to stay stop in gambling, alcohol and sex.

[kin]

I have not heard someone use “a responsible addict” to describe people I know. It was not easy for an addict to look after an elderly person, it can be very stressful, I can get depress and suicidal. I struggle to provide mentally and financially, I realize how tough that can be for an imperfect person.

I am not going to make it 10 times worst and more painful by gambling.

My sis and bro trusting me today is making life more difficult for me because I am struggling to cope with looking after my elderly mum mentally, emotionally and financially.

[kin]

I have an illness which make it very unwise for me to listen to my feeling. Following my feeling has got me into trouble for 30 years. All that has happened recently is just another reminder of what is happening.

I have just woke up from a long sleep of about 12 hours. I was well rested and not tired or fatigue, my thought is totally different and more positive today. I am ready to refocus on my journey and recovery, it is not going to be any different from my first day in recovery in August 2005.

Nothing about living life on life ‘s term has change. I will continue to face more trials and tribulations in life. This is life, normal people not suffering from addiction also have the same challenges in life. Recovery is about living life on life ‘s term.

Without the surplus money to feed my addiction in gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex and food to self-medicate whenever I feel stress, discomfort, pain, hardship and suffering. My problem is clearer for all to see. It is all about learning to live life on life ‘s term.

It is easy to blame others, it is easy to flee and run away from responsibility but recovery has taught us to live life, accept it , not numb it and face it.

What does recovery mean to me today? Life is tough enough, I am not going to complicate things and make it 10 times more difficult with gambling, alcohol, drug, sex and food.

[kin]

I was very burden by fear, the unknown and life uncertainty lately. I was overwhelmed by strong emotions and feelings with regards to the sale of a property, looking after mum and the situation at work. The weight just snowball and grew heavier. I was very distracted and stop attending recovery meeting for a month now.

I was afraid and fearful of what it is going to be like in the future. I was afraid of everything falling apart. It was scary looking at my long term prospect , there is no future.

However short term prospect looks ok, It was not so bad, I have something good to look forward from the sales proceed of a property by the power mercy and grace of God. I have provided mum regardless of how I feel and has no regret. Despite all the difficulties, I still have a job now and my debt has reduce. 

I should keep my eyes on today, not tomorrow, not yesterday!  I shall continue to march forward one baby step at a time! 

[kin]

1. I tried to change thing by gambling. I try to control the uncertainty in my life by gambling.

2. If I really continue to gamble, the outcome is certain. The uncertainty turn into certainty. It would be total destruction. .

3. I had to stop but I could not stop. It has to roll to a stop and has stop.

[kin]

Many times, I cannot tell where my stress is coming from. I only remember I had eczema today when the irritation on my facial skin and scalp was obvious. It confuses me, all the complaint about me feeling stress recently, how much of that was true?

Is it really so important to do what I feel is right? Is it more important to do the right thing or what I feel is right? How many times have my feeling been wrong?

[kin]

Why do they call addiction a disease? Why do they call compulsive gambling an illness? What does this illness do to me?

In my compulsive behavior, I cannot help myself, I lose my self-control and act out my urge. 

Heavy gambling and compulsive gambling is two different thing. I like to think my compulsive gambling was heavy gambling but it is not. I cannot stop after I win or lose.

Compulsive gambling (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is a chronic, and long-lasting disorder in which a person has uncontrollable, reoccurring thoughts (obsessions) and/or behaviors (compulsions) that he or she feels the urge to repeat over and over.

No compulsive gambler win. When they lose, they want their money back, when they win, they want more.

The end of the road for a compulsive gambler is either death or suicide.

[kin]

My last winning experience show me how I struggle to stop. After I lost my first big bet, I wanted to use my remaining winning to win everything back. I struggle to stop.

Win or lose, I struggle to stop.

[kin]

An unconditional acceptance of recovery and life and what it brings. Accepting the things that I cannot change. Accept it, not numb it and live with it. Living life on life’s term.

Recovery can be a bumpy ride, it is not smooth sailing.

Self-acceptance is the state of complete acceptance of oneself. True self-acceptance is embracing who you are, without any qualifications, conditions, or exceptions.

Unconditional self-acceptance is understanding that you are separate from your actions and your qualities.

You accept that you have made mistakes and that you have flaws, but you do not let them define you.

When you practice unconditional self-acceptance, you can begin to love yourself, embrace your authentic self, and work on improving your less-than-desirable traits and qualities.

[kin]

If you have ever found yourself in a group, therapy session, or even an institution focused on recovering from an addiction of any kind, the concept of self-acceptance is probably not new to you.

Acceptance of oneself and one’s reality is an essential building block of many recovery programs.

Acceptance is so important because those who struggle with substances or behavior addiction, are often prone to using denial as a coping mechanism to avoid facing their problems.

They may minimize, rationalize, forget, deceive themselves, or even repress the memories of their behavior.

Even when an addict recognizes that he or she has a problem, they may believe that they can control every aspect of their lives through simply wanting to change.

This is a dangerous place to be since there is much that we do not have control over in our lives.

This is why acceptance is so vital to the recovery process; before they can make meaningful changes to their lives, those struggling with addiction must first accept:

1. That they have a problem.

2. That they do not have complete control over every aspect of their life.

3. That they have limitations and flaws.

4. The reality of their circumstances.

Once the individual has learned to accept reality and themselves, they can begin to work on changing the things they can change.

The aim is not to encourage self-blame and guilt; instead, the aim is to move away from thinking that “I don’t like who I am” “I’m going to be on my own side while I create change”.

This is the power of self-acceptance; you allow yourself to change for the better when you plant yourself firmly in your present reality and decide to help yourself instead of bury yourself under doubt, criticism, and blame.

In recovery, when you accept who and where you are in the recovery process you appreciate the truth of what that means today while at the same time admitting that you need to change.

“Self-acceptance permits balance in our recovery. We no longer have to look for the approval of others because we are satisfied with being ourselves. We are free to gratefully emphasize our assets, to humbly move away from our defects, and to become the best recovering addicts we can be. Accepting ourselves as we are means that we are all right, that we are not perfect, but we can improve” (Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1985).

[kin]

Disability is not an inability

[vera]

is very different from “heavy” gambling, Kin.
People who gamble heavily can walk away, win or lose.
With a compulsion, we cannot do that.
We HAVE to go back.
That’s why we have to say NO to the next bet.
Gambling has no control over us unless we place that first bet.
When we do, we becomes slaves.
Gambling controls us from that moment on.
Today , I will NOT allow gambling to steal one moment of my time. one cent of my money or one iota of my peace.
I hope and pray you will say the same.
Thanks for posting to my thread, Kin.

[vera]

is very different from “heavy” gambling, Kin.
People who gamble heavily can walk away, win or lose.
With a compulsion, we cannot do that.
We HAVE to go back.
That’s why we have to say NO to the next bet.
Gambling has no control over us unless we place that first bet.
When we do, we becomes slaves.
Gambling controls us from that moment on.
Today , I will NOT allow gambling to steal one moment of my time. one cent of my money or one iota of my peace.
I hope and pray you will say the same.
Thanks for posting to my thread, Kin.

[kin]

Everybody want to succeed but not everyone is willing to do whatever it takes to succeed – Self Discipline

Every road leads to Rome. It works if you work it but not everybody is willing to work it.

[kin]

Each baby step and effort taken to walk away from old obsessive, impulsive, compulsive acting out counts. They do not happen overnight but each baby step, each day staying stop adds up and the level of obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness or urge loses its strength.

Doing the opposite only increases their strength and power over time until I lose all self control. This is life and death for me and I need to constantly keep myself in check.

The fog in my head is clearing, my feeling is slowly returning back to normal, the feeling of gratitude, contentment and the mindfulness that I am a part of something bigger than me help me find peace.

I survive by the mercy and grace of a power greater than me!

[kin]

There was gratitude, calm, peace and patient in my life at the moment as things slowly return back to normal.

I could recognize my illness when the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness appear recently.

At the moment, I am just glad that I don’t feel their presence as their power and strength has weaken and not driving me to gamble against my will.

1. I was mindful that I am a part of something bigger than myself, there is a power greater than myself in charge of everything.

2. I have a direction in life; I used the money that I had to love people, I used the money to honor my parent and friends. I did not want to fall into the trap of loving money and using money to feed my selfish, self centeredness and self seeking desires. 

3. My mentor has got in touch with me again. Working recovery alone is tough.

4. There was a new potential buyer contacting me to purchase my property.

5. Work appears normal at the office. The management has leave me to work in peace unlike the strong grieviance and unjust treatment felt by me only 2 months ago. It was tough.

6. My 90 years old mum is not throwing her frustrations anymore after I have given her money. I have already provided the family money and did not have anymore money. It was tough.

After the gambling. I won so much money, I did not forget to give her more money and love by getting her favorite crabs.

7. It really felt like gambling against my will at one point of time and I was struggling to stop to protect my winning about 3 weeks ago, the continue gambling felt unstoppable. I lost some of my winnings away. It was tough.

I really felt the pain of losing these money, imagine what I can do with this sum of money, it was more than 2 months of my salary. I did not had this painful feeling of loss for many years. I had lost more money many times and did not have this pain because it was numb by everything but not this time round. I really felt it.

I had to stop gambling and allow things to return to normal. This time without the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness, I won another 4 months salary. 

I intend to stop and not binge gamble before the obsession, impulsiveness and compulsiveness return.

It is only a matter time before the compulsive gambling appears, I do not have it now but am very sure that the compulsive gambling will return if continue to chase the winning and losing in gambling.

Somehow I am still safe, I was driven and motivated by what gambling can do to me, but I was more afraid of what gambling can do to me.

I did not want to lose my sense of value for money. The money has help me to service my loan, debt, bills and more importantly help me love my family.

Every cent counts and matter but in gambling they are just a number. 

My days are long and tiring nowadays, I did not rest properly for the last few weeks, I was working long hours and keeping as long hours monitoring the sporting events. It felt like working 2 jobs at the same time. I was also in the process of selling a property, I need to let the potential buyer view my property over the weekend. This probably explain why I missed all my usual recovery support group meetings over every weekend. I can recognise that not having enough proper rest and sleep is a danger sign.

I am trying to slow everything down. 

Good times and bad times, I have return to this place to keep in touch with my recovery.

I am a grateful addict. I have survive till this day by the mercy, grace and unconditional love shown by God and everyone. 

I have brought many disappointment, pain, hardship and suffering to others in the past. By merit alone, I was very undeserving and unworthy.

Thank God for everything!

[kin]

I did not do alcohol despite the many thoughts to do it. Alcohol is consider a drug in narcotic anonymous. I am very wary of what alcohol can do. Drinking can mess up my thinking and feeling.

Acting out in food, work, gambling and sex from time to time is bad enough, and if I add alcohol in the equation, one thing is certain, my brake will suddenly lose its function, everything will fall apart in double quick time.

An advice from a 83 years old recovering person from US, he suffer from many addiction too. He told me to focus on the primary addiction first.

I learn who is the boss among my many addictions and have dances with this devil and played with this fires many times. Alcohol affect my physical, emotion and feeling in ways I do not get from the rest. 

[kin]

Gambling tempt me. It convince me that it could help provide for my family, pay for all my bills, service my loans and credit card bills, create wealth for me, give me financial security!

Is this really Gambling or the Satan messing around with me?

It is giving me hope – a false hope, it is telling me lies – it did not come to provide, but it has come to steal, rob and destroy!

Satan is very deceiving, it promise to give but it will take everything away one day. I will lose my life this way one day.

[kin]

It was another viewing on my property this Sunday. I was walking from the mass rapid train station to my place. Unknown to me, walking in front of me was the prospect and her friend. She was describing to her friend beside her how she fell on Friday and ended up in the hospital for treatment. When we reach the place, I received a message from her.

What I overheard is very important to my decision, it confirm that she was not lying about the accident when she cancel our appointment yesterday. She also told me that she is staying and looking after her sick father at her sister place and she is not getting along well with her sister and in law.

My small and affordable place is attracting people like me; financially cash tight people. I can understand their difficulties.

This place has my Higher Power footprints all over it. Since I took ownership of the place, it has been helping me and others.

[kin]

My relationship with the 12 steps recovery program: I tried and thought this is not for me, it was not working for me. However, everything change after I found a Higher Power or God so frequently mention in the program, I start to experience the promises when everything start to materialize and fall into place.

The 12 steps recovery program and the Bible was like a “Compass” for me. It gaves me a direction. Today I am a believer!

Do you know how disgusting, and terrible it can be when an addict become uprighteous? 

When an addict feels that they are right, they will react strongly and defend their rights to their action, they will bulldoze and rundown everyone and everything down to prove they are right with their behaviors. In the past, I did the same thing and have hurt and harm many people with my actions.

Today, I learn that love and kindness come first, it is not important for me to be right in the eyes of everybody all the times anymore. I am not a runaway tornado that destroy everything in my path proving that I was right anymore.

I realize that I was only a part of something bigger than me, there is a power greater than me that is in charge of everything.

[kin]

As the weather changes here, from hot to cooling, from cooling to hot, I will suffer eczema. It is very irritating, itchy and the dry skin can come off, it does affect how I feel and can be stressful. This happen a few times in a year. I completely forget about it until today as my facial skin appear red and feel very dry and rough.

Frustration – alcohol and gambling are a frequent thing in the past when this happen. I remember visiting the casino around this time of the year.

Acceptance – I learn to accept it, I try not to react and numb it with alcohol or gambling.

I need to learn to live with it and face it for the rest of my life.

[kin]

Despite all that had happen, I have somehow keep every problem manageable and move on. 2 more weeks and this year will come to an end. I only need to keep myself safe for 2 more weeks and this is not the worst year I had in my recent memory.

[kin]

I feel moody today but I am not living in misery.

I win back the peace, freedom, joy, gratitude and contentment

and lost the envy and jealousy, self pity and self beating. 

This is the prize and I am grateful with what I have.

[kin]

1. The big issue and problem at work has pass and less burden now

2. The transaction in selling my flat is in progress and less burden now

3. My mum has calm down and not complaining to me about everyone. No more stress.

4. Finance is manageable and I am living within my means again. Lesser or no stress.

5. I have stop monitoring and not triggered by these sporting event everyday.

I start to attend support group meeting again and they do not happen suddenly, it was due to the freedom and time.

[kin]

2 weeks is a short 14 days, but my recovery journey from addiction is a long 14 years.

What was I like in Aug 2005 at age 39 yrs. old?

I have tried everything and nothing really work for me. I was so desperate for help. I was very hopeless and helpless.Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, Financially, and Physically; I was a wreck and a bankrupt.

Relationship with family was so bad, I thought they have given up hope on me. Seeing me returning home remind them of their misery, I was the cause of their pain and suffering, I made them feel so unsafe and insecure in their own home.

I have no peace. I was having frequent nightmares about people that I have wrong. I was so remorseful and regret of what I have done. It was painful.

Addiction was so powerful; I need to borrow to feed my habit for many years. I was afraid of my family knowing that I borrow from loan shark in 1999, yet I borrow from loan shark knowing that I do not have the mean to pay them back. Those days I was living in constant fear. When I hear the sound of car door closing down stair or foot-steps outside my door; I was so afraid it was the loan shark coming to my house.

I borrow from so many money lenders, the harassing and chasing me for money over the phone was non- stop, and they force me to pay back with unreasonably high interest. I did not have the money and have to face off and confront money lender every week. They threaten and shouted at me. Life was very stressful, and meaningless. I was drinking very heavily to numb my stress and pain. I drink during free time and this happen every often.

Drinking have put me behind bar for disorderly behavior and the other reason has threaten to put me behind bar for a longer period of time. Cannot remember how many times I was hospitalize due to ailments and I cannot remember how many times I change job over the years.

What was life in recovery like 14 years later at age 53 years old.

I still relapse. Sometime I act out in gambling, alcohol, sex, and food but life is better now. 

Mentally – the doctor said that I have recovered from depression and have cut off my medication. I cannot remember for how long; it must have been more than 10 years.

Emotionally – I still experience mood swing from time to time but I have very high awareness now, I have developed acceptance of the mood swing and coping skills, I do not practice self-medication now.

Spiritually – The 12 steps. The Bible and God has given me a direction in life, I experiences more gratitude and contentment, joy and freedom now and less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking ways.

Financially – It was a dream for me to be a stable, and responsible contributor to the family. This was something I could not do for more than 25 years, it was really unimaginable, I have fail for so many years. Today I could contribute $500 to the family every month without fail for a few years. I really have no means with my limited income, but I have experience the power of God and by God’s grace, I was able to made amend and return $50,000 to a sibling.

I was almost kick out of the house many years ago and I cannot afford a shelter at that time. Today I could buy a fully paid humble place I can call my own.

Physically – the drinking stop and gave my liver the chance to heal.

14 years ago, the situation was so bad, I had nothing. If someone offer me what I have now 14 years ago, I would be very happy to accept the deal.

Recovery gave me Hope.

[kin]

Emotional sobriety is an important factor in recovery. It means being able to confront and cope with all the negative emotions that were ignored when using alcohol for me.

It is not important to me that I have not drank since 25 Dec 2018, I did not use the slot machine longer but it is important to me that I did not drink or use the slot machine to cope with all the challenges, setback, trouble, problem, hardship, pain and suffering that I face in life in 2019.

Alcohol accelerate my deterioration in other addictions that I also acted out. I hit rock bottom faster.

[kin]

I have many addictions and I need to work on my primary addiction first.

My primary addiction is alcohol and slot machine, I would have more than a year clean time in both after Christmas this year. I last drank on Christmas last year. I have not done slot for a longer period of time.

I heard a message in my head today that it is time to be honest and work on my secondary addiction next, these are addiction that is also giving me problem and affecting my life. They are football betting and food. If I stay stop. I am sure I will lose another 10 kg in weight and improve my health. I am sure I will have more saving in the new year.

There are others such as my work, porn and sex, internet surfing but I can work on them later.

This is a comfortable pace, I am doing more now. Beside working and caring for the family, I am working on my recovery at the same time. I have stop alcohol and slot, now I need stop others one at a time. There is a sense of sadness here, it took me so many years to realize this, so many years of trying plus trial and error due to my foolishness, ignorant, stubborness and self-righteousness.

I am one of the chosen one to walk this path and this is my journey and story. I knew that I have made progress, it maybe very slow but it is progress. I am glad and grateful to accept what it given me.

It can be worst in my case, imagine watering the seed in the ground for years and years and nothing come out of the ground at all. I would be wondering what is wrong and become very lost. I will have no sense of direction in recovery.

This journey is long, I will always be work in progress.

I have hope, when I get another new place, I can go back to my school day hobby of keeping gold fish and when I am retired, maybe I can learn how to play guitar. 

[kin]

Dear diary,

I am more aware and mindful about losing my patient, anger, love and care with mum now. 

When I thought she was wrong and I was right. I was not nice, considerate, humble and kind to her. I was irritated by her.I was guilty of using harsh tone and raise voice when I speak to her many times. I admit that this action is wrong now.

It does not pay for me to be proven right with her all the times, she can be hurt by me. Sometime it is more important to be kind and loving than to be right.

There must be a power greater than myself that is helping me change by showing me this message. This story change me.

An 80-year-old man was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son.

Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, “What is this?”

The Son replied, “It is a crow”.

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, “What is this?”

The Son said “Father, I have just now told you “It’s a crow”.

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time, what is this?”

At this time some ex-pression of irritation was felt in the Son’s tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff. “It’s a crow, a crow”

A little after, the Father again asked his Son the 4th time, “What is this?”

This time the Son shouted at his Father, “Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again, although I have told you so many times ‘IT IS A CROW’. Are you not able to understand this?”

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the following words were written in the diary: –

“Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child”.

While the little child asked him 23 times “What is this”, the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son felt irritated and annoyed.

Lesson to learn from This Story:

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word, be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents.

[Seanraj4731]

Yes we all need to read this especially me. I am guilty of ill speaking to my mom as well. Now i just read your lovely post and it has truly impacted me to recognize my thoughts whenever i am speaking to my mom from this moment moving forward. Thank you for lovely message for this xmas. Made me to realize what is required to be a better person.

Thank you kin do hve a wonderful xmas. And amazing holidays

[kin]

1. All things have a creator

2. I will still be punished for my wrongdoing and crime by a fair God and Judge, any good doing after the criminal act is not going to erase my crime. I must pay for the crime in a court when I face the judge or God when I am judge.

3. I believe in the birth of a Savior on this day who was send by God, he did not sin but was sentenced to die on the cross to pay for my sin. My Savior defeated death when He rose from death 3 days later.

4. I did not earn my freedom; it was a gift from God.

My incredible short memory, my willful, headstrong and stubbornness, my selfish, self-centered and self- seeking ways will send me back to my old ways: I have a weakness and habit, I love to feed my selfish gain and desires.

I would develop fear and greed: I would like to accumulate money for the future. I do not like to suffer like my Savior, I do not like to live life in hardship, pain and suffering. My old ways always get me into trouble.

Seeking the Truth in the Bible, following my Savior has improve the quality of my life after hitting rock bottom. I survive by the mercy, and grace of the Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit and Son.

Thank God for everything.

[kin]

I am really sick and tired of this feeling – waking up having money at the beginning of the day and having none by the end of the day when I go to sleep.

This was the result of gambling. I will definitely not have this problem if I did not gamble and the money I had can last me until the next payday.

This is the thorn in my skin. I pray for this thorn to be remove, but some thing did not change, the thorn remains, however some thing change, I changed.

I tried to stay gamble free one day at a time. It was not a perfect journey but there was progress.

[kin]

What is my thought?

I have stopped my primary addiction of alcohol and slot for more than a year.

I can recognize that my secondary addiction can grow and become a primary addiction, so I cannot pretend it is not there.

I need to work hard on my football betting, binge eating and keeping my job. I guess this will be the most beautiful present that I can receive in the year 2020.

1. I knew it was wrong, I am not suppose to do it. I cannot stop myself, I want to do it.

2. Football betting threaten to destroy me financially, and food threaten to destroy me physically. I cannot pretend that these problems are not there. These small fires threaten to grow so big that it could burn everything down in the end.

3. My character defect threaten me to react to the people and problem that everybody face at work and losing my job.

What is my feeling?

I feel that I have the knowledge and the experience. I can stop football betting, binge eating and losing my job, but I do not want to do whatever it takes to succeed. 

I did not want to manage my disease, I want to allow the illness to deteriorate.

I did not want to think of the people living around me. I was deceiving and lying to myself about how I cannot affect them.

It was so easy and second nature of me to be a selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person.

Love, caring, kind, and sacrificing my desires is not natural to me. I need to follow a teacher, a master, a God.

I am not beating myself or negative here. This is as honest as I can get about my secrets.

It took me years to practice and develop the confident and “KNOW HOW” to managing my struggle with alcohol and slot use. I can do the same with the rest.

I just ‘ NEED” to ” WANT TO DO IT.” Sadly, I feel that I didnt want to do it. I want to do exactly the opposite things.

What is my thought? I have done it a few times. I knew what to do and how to do it.

What is my feeling? I don’t want to do it.

What is my action plan in year 2020? 1. stop football betting. 2. start fasting 3. stay focus on the work, not the people.

My action plan can be different from my thought and feeling. This is what I learn in class.

[kin]

I do not enjoy football betting anymore. It is just a habit. I do not enjoy the excitement, thrill and prediction anymore. If I continue doing it from time to time, it was a habit. I do not enjoy the food anymore after some time. It was just a habit to finish the food that I ordered.  

People can change for the better or worst. If I slip my mind, I can suddenly become greedy and evil; ungrateful and unforgiving.

No one lose in recovery. I either win or I learn a lesson. There is Hope here.

[Seanraj4731]

Good day kin as i read your journal it reminded me about those same thoughts i had whenever i lose money whenever my wife quarrel over the family finances whenever i owe people money and the credit card sends me a letter on making payments. I felt that same thorn in my flesh. 

Kin you and you alone is aware of your mind and you act upon your thoughts. Before you speak the power of words lies on the tongue. I change the way i speak to myself especially when i fully explored this website read people journal and observe their thought pattern it is the same when it comes to this addiction.

Key to starting clean is to empty your mind by renewing it each moment you are awake spend some time reading people testimonies on this forum. Observe your thought rethink reset your mind. Key words to use:” I am Going To……..” you fill in the rest of what you see yourself living from this moment onwards.  Continue to keep journal note your progress. Reward your self with simple words of thankfulness. Start with simple things being awake alive and well,be thankful for what you have…. continue to seek positive reinforcement to help in your recovery. Focus on your self worth. Believe in yourself. You recognize that you are a amazing person. No matter what keep positive. I am rooting for you. You got my support i am 3 weeks gf and i am thankful for it it is the best gift i gaven myself this xmas and continuing into the new year 2020. I have a perfectly good health to which i am very thankful for. Kin i believe you ginna start making that difference now.

Have a bless day. Keep strong you got this…

[kin]

Grandiosity refers to my unrealistic sense of superiority, characterized by a view that I am better and more knowledgeable than other people when I am not.

It is an exaggerated sense of one’s importance, power, knowledge, or identity, even though there may be little evidence to support the beliefs.

I feel that I can help other suffering addict when I could not.

In both active gambling and recovery, I like to show off and tell others what I know and they do not.

I spoke to them as if they are more inferior: as if I am more superior and better when I was suffering from the same problem just like them.

Rather than admit their inadequate knowledge; some will resort to lies in order to protect their false superiority and will quote untruths to make themselves look like the expert. 

Help me God to be unimpressive, humble, modest, unpretendious, unimposing, moderate, common, unassuming, insignificant, trivial, low, unimportant, restrained, unheroic, down to earth, small calm, timid, shy, reserved, quiet, passive, mousy, diffident, bashful unassertive and retiring. 

Help me to remember that I am nothing and vulnerable. I am no different from all the other new comer. I am not special, smarter, clever, unique or important. I do not have all the answer to my problems and I am also prone to falling just like everyone.

Please Help me to stay focus in my own recovery.

I need to be thankful to the newcomer who was send by God to teach me a lesson.

Many times, they are more serious, determine and hardworking than me in recovery.

[i-did-it]

Hi Kin
That is an amazing thought – no one loses in recovery – we either win or learn a lesson!

I hope you are having wins every day .

I could never imagine you being a show- off Kin and you do seem to possess an insight many of us do not have.
None of us ever know who our words will help – hopefully many people read them and benefit in some way.

Thank you for sharing Kin.

[kin]

Hi I did it, Thank you for your kind words,. It really helps me.

I feel that sometime life can be a very unforgiving teacher, if I do not let go of some unwanted character and personality, they will come back to haunt me, it will continue to bring misery, unhappiness and struggle into my life.

They must have been something important and have mean something to their recovery when these elderly friends shared them with me. Someone have planted the seed inside me 14 years ago when I first heard these words but I only start to work on them seriously 14 years later.

One reason was the new recovery friend that I have met, I was worried and concern that they will fall into the trap if I did not warn them about it.

14 years later, when I look at all the opposite words of grandiosity, I unearth a treasure of all the answer that I was looking, they are all the spiritual qualities that can help me progress in recovery and become a better person. 

Grandiosity is so deep rooted in me that I cannot feel vulnerable when it was a very dangerous and risky, not recommended situation, because I feel that I have what it takes when I do not have it.

I still feel that I am good at what I was doing when I am not because I have lost all control of myself before and it has send me to rock bottom many times.

I do not believe that I will lose everything this time but it has happen many times;

I was gambling more often. I do not believe this can happen. I do not believe that I cannot stop gambling totally.

I was gambling bigger amount of money, I do not believe that this will happen. I do not believe that I can lose all my self control.

I cannot believe that I can be so careless, foolish, impatient, irresponsible, so blind and fearless, so dangerous in an all or nothing bet.

I was gambling more time and more money. My action show that it was ok and alright for “me”. I really feel that it was not advisable for any recovering person including myself to do it. My feeling and action is not in line.

Something is wrong with me, do I think I am different from the rest ?

When I lose my vulerability in these situations, the ending is alway the same and a very sad one.  When I do not feel fearful and scare, I will take risk and do dangerous thing.

When I feel invinsible, knowledgeable and experience, I will give myself permission to do things that a normal person will not even think or dare to do.

I think that I can handle it when I cannot.

I think that I can handle it when others cannot if everything go wrong and do not go according to plan

[kin]

I always hope that my relationship with the family grow throughout the year and my relationship with family members continue to improve.

I would like to be able to hold on the same job for the rest of the year and my job remain the same.

I hope that my debt would reduce and it has reduce by the end of the year.

I wish to be able to provide the family every month without fail and I did it.

I continue to make amend to people where possible. I am about to fulfill making amend to my immediate family members after many years and is now looking at making amend to the next circle of people in my list over the next 3 years.

For many years I tried to recover and could not. If I do not treasure the good situation that I was given, my foolishness, carelessness and incredible short memory can cause me to lose everything away again.

They are important to me but I have lost everything away for many years as a result of my depression, alcohol, gambling and others.

[kin]

Love God, Love Family, Love Others unconditionally the way God love me.

I have provided my family for the festive season early in January 2020. I have no more pressure and worry from the lunar new year festive season end of the month and have free myself from any anxious moments due to financial reasons.

I have won more than 2 months salary from football betting recently and not going to keep these excess money to feed more gambling. I am not going to do it for myself, I am going to forget about football gambling completely for my family this month. I am not taking any chances to spoilt their celebration.

I am going to stop now. I have already received what gambling can do for me, it took effort to win 8,000 over time, and I have not forgotten what gambling can do to me, I lost 3,000 very quickly. I am on a losing streak now. I needed to be afraid, fearful and be vulnerable so I would not dare take any more risk. Stop gambling and keep the money for better use. 

The winning is a lot of money by my standard, and too much money for me on any one single day. I am contented. I am stopping gambling completely for this month.

[kin]

Losing streaks threaten to destroy everything and if I do not build a rock solid house recovery, this distructive force will visit me again just like those seasonal typhoon or hurricane winds and try to take everything away that I have rebuild.

[vera]

Building recovery on “winnings” is tantamount to building a house on sand, Kin.
CGs never win!
It’s all an illusion. Every “win” I got was just like another high interest loan. Money from “wins” doesn’t bring true joy.

[kin]

What happen when things do not go according to my plan or my plan fall apart completely?

I will first experience very painful disappointment and the thought to numb this feeling will happen automatically. Yesterday was one of those day, I want to numb my feeling and emotions after failing in every football gamble; I had excess cash, I was at the place, I had the opportunity and the time to do it.

I would have failed if this was food or football, but I have succeeded in staying stop for alcohol and slot machines in areas that I have failed at food and football.

I had very bad experience with alcohol and slot machine, I dare not experiment with alcohol and slot machines anymore.

It was 4 am, and I want to numb my feeling and emotion yesterday, there is only one place in Singapore to go where many pubs operate all the way until 6 am and prostitutes are all over the place.

I wanted to do alcohol so badly but I did not do it. It surprises me why I did not do it.

I want to find out why; write it down and hope it work for my recovery in sport betting and food.   

I ended up people watching for a few hours. I was standing near the ATM machines. The same thing that happen to compulsive gamblers happen to alcoholic too. Many women led the man to these ATM machines.

These drunk men want something that these ladies provide. They want it now and cannot postpone it to another day. You cannot imagine how many men withdraw money at the ATM machines and most are drunk. They need the money to feed their craving and desires.

I saw one man who was led by 3 ladies into a shop to make purchases for them. Two hours later, the same man was alone again, he was approach by a different lady in the same building, she holds his hand and he did not turn it down, he just follows the woman. This woman was offering sexual favor to me earlier which I nicely decline.

I was no different from all these man when I am heavily intoxicated, I can lose all my control and rational thinking, I can have very strong thought to act out my desires, I want to do it quickly and now, I cannot wait and do not care anymore about the price and consequences, and there is nothing holding me back.

Everyone knows what happen to anyone including myself after the hangover. We will regret being careless and losing all the money, we will feel foolish, stupid looking for love, care and attention in the wrong place and wrong persons.

Why didn’t I do it last night? This is so strange. What went right and what went wrong for me in my recovery?

I guess after not picking up my first drink for more than a year helps, I become less impulsive; I was slow to act out my thought. I wanted to numb my feeling and emotion. I was quick to travel there for a drink but I was not quick to drink.

I have strong fear of what alcohol can do to me, the kind of fear that I do not see in football or food. I done it too many times with alcohol to know any experiment with alcohol has the same result, it was the same for slot machine.

I have strong fear and has surrender to alcohol and slot machines, but I do not have the same level of fear and has not surrender to food and football.

One thing that I am very sure. Alcohol and slot machines can lead me to football and food but both of them do not lead me to alcohol and slot machines. This is why they are my primary and secondary addiction.

I took so many years to work and succeed in alcohol and slot machines, I am willing to work just as hard and dedicate as many years to work my food and football betting addiction.

I was surprise to notice the strong fear and vigilant in me for alcohol, I gave myself the permission to fail last night. I think about it, I feel and want to do it, but I did not do it, maybe I know that alcohol will open every flood gates and soon I will become active in every addiction all over again. It is too much for me to handle.

I have to give the same respect to football and food that I give to alcohol and slot machine. They are just as capable of destroying everything in my life.

My direction is clear for me to see in my remaining years.

[kin]

Hi Vera,

I always like to hear from you. You always say the wisest thing that help.

I do not intend to place hope on sport betting and food to manage my money, emotional issues.

I plan to give my recovery a fresh start.

Our recovery journey was not perfect all the way but we shall have the perfect ending at the finish line.

I do not intend to be active in alcohol, slot machine and sport betting, sex and food, work and drug in my remaining years.

I am thankful to my family, all the good counsellors and recovery buddies who help me to do what I cannot do on my own.

All glory goes to God.

[Author]

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