13 September 2021 at 9:14 am #138231alex278Participant
yesterday i lost everything and everyone all of it but i cant start from the end …. ha ye sorry to anyone who reads this im not much of a writter and i never do this sort of thing but i got nothing left so i thought hey why not give it a try maybe try something diffrent maybe it will work and sorry to anyone who reads this for my bad grammer im from europe so english is not my first language but il try my best
well lets begin at the start i guess hi im alex well at least on this site dont wanna use my real name im 18 years old i finished school 2 months ago and i currently work in storage u can say for minimume wage but the jobs not horrible i suppose and my coworkers are alright so my job is the last thing i have to my name i suppose but ye 7.8.2003 is my birthday and since i turned 18 my life has gone horribly wrong in everyway possible
so far i have lost 12306 kn on gambeling from rullet to blackjack to scrach off tickets to eurojackpot i do it all but gambeling is not my only problem its just the stone that broke the cammels back i suppose no it all starts 9 years ago when i was 9 and my uncle died of 4 stage cancer (it runs in th family) and the shock of loseing someone for the first time especially someone i looked to as my inspiracion as a 9 year old kid and well…..that broke me i cried for days and days and days untill the tears stop but the pain was still there dragging me down and my parents dident want there little boy to be depressed so they took me to see a therapist and in the start it felt good to express my self and my sadness but if anything i was not a stupid child i saw that the therapist dident really care at all and soon enaugh she rather then help me she prescribed 500mg antidepresives to me which i took for the next 5 years and in all that time i dident fell anything well ….hard to explain i did fell things but everything felt numb to a certian point and after those 5 years the meds stopped comeing (he is gonna be fine they told my parents) and after the first week off the meds it all hit me all the supresed emotions i was felling all the thaughts i had it felt like chains dragging me down day by day and i cholde only smile and say im ok im fine dont worry to everyone and a month after my meds stoped comeing it happend….(friend) hey dude wanna go smoke some weed after school ?………
and after that day i went to smoke the next day and then the next day and then the next and 2 weeks later i was allready doing speed and cocain 2 monts later i was doing pills acid shrooms and abuseing my liver with 1-3 bottels o wine a day and at this point i was deep i was selling stealing robing people breaking into houses anything i could do for money i did and i dident care………i lost all hope and all will for anything other then drugs …
but then at 17 it got better a lot better i was so deep and so long in that hole that i forgot there were people around me who cared about me and especially my best friend or ex best friend i guess…he helped me climb out and showed me that there is still good i can do with my life and that my life has meaning……and those were the hardest 2 weeks of my life getting my shit togheter but i did it i was finally whole right ? happy right ? …..6 months i dident do drugs i dident drink i got out and life was easyer butit felt like limbo everyone i knew it felt like they dident want to be seen with me in there eyes i cholde see (once an addict always an addict) but hey i dident care i was felling better and i had hope and faith (not religious just faith in my self) and in those 6 months i met her…..
for the first time ever someone dident look at my backround and my history but at me and she said that i got real potential and that she belives in me…….
and at that point i just turned 18 we talked from time to time but i knew i had to do all i can to make her like me cuz when i was with her all my problems melted away and i felt like me and just thinking of how i coulde make her smile was enaugh to give up driking and smokeing (ciggarets)completle in 5 days of knowing her and talking to her but the problem is i needed money…. i wanted to change my self into someone who wholde be worthy enaugh she can call someone she loves and i wanted to be that person but that person needed money to come true and so…. i started gambeling at first it was great from my 2000 kn i had saved up i got to 3900 kn in 1 week of little bets and risks but soon i spent almoust all of it and i needed more with 600 kn left i went to the cassino and lost it all….after that my parents found out i went to the cassino and lost money so my dad kicked me out of the house and my mom dident want to take me in……. but hey i still have her right ? we are dateing for 1 week not right ? its going great right ? …… and after my parents kicked me out i went to live with my grandpa and at this point i had 200 which i saved until my gf got back from her field trip with her school finally after a long week at work i can see her ……. (hey this isent gonna work out)…..same day after that call i had an panic attack or ptsd attack i have sometimes and i needed comfort….POOF 200 off rullet then i go drinking with my “friends” after 2 months without a drop i broke and went to drink then i come home 3 in the morning my grandpa awake me barlee standing (this is not gonna work get out) and after that i went out 3:30 i finished my bottle so im drunk in the morning nowhere to live no one to love or who loves me all my friends gave up on trying to help me and trying to get me help and now im sitting there in the park alone no money drunk no where to stay and what do i do ? …..i buy drugs……….
after 6-7 i finally broke i give up im throwing in the towl i have nothing left and i have become nothing more then the shadow of a person i once was so far i haven eaten today and i only got 27% battery on my phone left and 200 kn in dept to a drug dealer who gave me 1 week to pay him back till he breaks my legs…….
so yeah i have nothing left and there is no way up to go from here …. im thinking of just ending it …… but who knows maybe il hit lucky number 11 tommorow
13 September 2021 at 6:08 pm #138312RedBerryParticipant
You are still 18 so young a whole lot of life in front of you. This is emotional state your in right now is temporary. Make sure your not repeating the same mistake again. Take this as a lesson and go live life.
Just my two cents..
9 November 2021 at 9:26 am #142671bakiriParticipant
I am sorry about your loss even though he left 9 years ago, I lost a person who I admire and love a year ago and hardly can even cry, but the pain is still there and it will always be, I am truly happy that you are such a sensitive person and angry for the psychologist decision to prescribe you medicine in such glassy age, I understand your decisions about taking drugs, I personally take weed regularly and I feel like I am in my safe zone, but only in controlled ranges. I remember my first gambling bet it was because of my girlfriend and I also wanted to buy her everything really fast made 350 from 15bet we were so delighted about it and I lost them in the next 3 days. You are not alone we are here to support you emotionally or with rational advice if you wish to hear us, you have the world in your hands, so young, be patience, set up goals for the future and chase them, work every day as hard as you can for the person who you want to be and when you go to bed just realize that you are one day closer to your goal, my personal moto is as much as “No’s” I get in my life I am one step closer to “Yes”, one day that girl will want you back, they always do, it may take 1 year 5/10, but you will feel me one day, now make sure to go back home, apologize to your parents and grandpa, they are your family and will take you back. Reply to me I am your friend and I wish only the best for you.
Hope to hear back from you.
24 November 2021 at 4:21 pm #143247rubygirl2012Participant
Sure hope you’re in a better space now. You and only you can affirm your worthiness to be living your life. It seems you’re looking everywhere except right within you. Not a girlfriend, not alcohol, not drugs, and not gambling. You’re so young Alex. I’m 4xs your age but I remember being 18 like it was yesterday. I’m at the time in my life when friends my age are dying or getting horrible diseases and it makes me thankful for each minute of my life. Every ounce of you is precious and I’ll be hoping you can see it.
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