13 February 2022 at 8:55 am #148560wewinwhenwedontplayParticipant
If you read my last post, you know that I am unemployed with no money coming in. Unfortunately, I relapsed again. I sold one of the last things I had that had financial value.
After I sold it, I put it in my head that I could try my system again (doubling up my bet every time I lose until I win a certain amount). Of course it didn’t work, I lost 7 hands in a row which caused me to lose everything I had made from selling what I sold. I then chased that with the little I had left and lost that.
I called one of my old sponsors / one of my Gamblers Anonymous mentors, and he gave me some good advice. He said if there was a system that worked, people would have already figured it out. Then he said even if they figured a system out, the casino would change the rules so they couldn’t do it.
I literally now have less than $10 to my name. I am not going to lie, I always feel like I am not good enough. For example, I feel like crap because I do not have the means to provide for my mother (sometimes I feel like I am a failure because my mother has sometimes expressed success as being how far her kids get in school and how much money they have or if they were able to purchase a house and other financial things). I am unemployed, I am not getting unemployment because they are saying it’s pushed back (the eligibility process). I applied to multiple jobs and have not gotten one yet.
I just wanted to honestly share where I am at in my walk, and maybe people here will understand me more as former gambling addicts or current addicts (because typically, non gambling addicts look at gambling addicts like they/we are stupid).
One of the hardest things about this addiction is you can stop for a year or for multiple years, but it only takes one relapse to lose everything you had saved for that clean year or those clean years.
I am 30 years old now and am so tired. I have quit many times, and every time I do quit I save some money through hard work, but then I relapse (which seems to come about uncontrollably) (either after weeks, months, or a year plus of not gambling), which then causes me to lose everything I had saved.
Also, this is a side note to myself and to anyone else it may help. Several of these last relapses were triggered by the first relapse of this recent sequence, which was triggered by stock investing/trading going bad (stock trading is basically gambling) with a combination of me losing my job. As a result, I know I need to cut off investing/trading, and anything that is in relationship to gambling at all, because anything similar to gambling or anything that is tied to gambling or anything that has a relation with gambling can lead to gambling.
I also need to be ok with telling people who depend on me like my mom that I do not have the financial means to help with this or that, instead of having too much pride and trying to gamble to get the money to help her with things she may need or want. I also need to get better with not feeling obligated to provide things for others that I can’t afford to provide, because this tendency causes me to feel guilty whenever I can’t provide for these people (such as my mother or others who may depend on me). At this point, I am barely getting by myself, so I definitely can’t provide for others.
I feel extremely low at this point.
13 February 2022 at 12:14 pm #148565velvetModerator
You are neither a failure nor stupid; you have an unwanted addiction and you have struggled to take control of it for any great length of time, there is no shame in that, you deserve understanding.
If I have read your post correctly, It seems to me that your mother has, inadvertently, by expressing pride in your siblings, caused you to believe that you matter less. In my opinion, this comes from thoughtlessness, due to her ignorance of addiction and not from any failure on your part. Put feelings of guilt away, they are unnecessary and only hold you back. If, when you talk to your mother about being unable to pay for this or that at the moment,maybe if your mother was willing, you could direct her to this site – our Helpline and our Friends and Family section, are here for her.
‘You’ matter and at the moment you are unable to provide for your mother but you have siblings who can – in my opinion it is time for you to put yourself first and look after you. Gambling is never going to allow you to be the man you want to be.
This is a great forum for you to keep a journal and watch your own progress. Complacency is the biggest danger in recovery, hopefully by posting regularly you can you gauge where you are on your journey and stop hurting yourself further. There will always be others willing to support who understand.
You have written that you have quit many times but it takes only one quit, one leap of faith to make a true recovery. You are only 30 so you have many years ahead of you to happily, live gamble-free, in control of your addiction, or you can continue to feel as you do now. You have a choice and I know what I hope you will do.
13 February 2022 at 12:30 pm #148567LosingitslowlyParticipant
I am so sorry to hear of your relapse as I just did as well and share in your feelings of shame and disappointment. It is funny to me that after I gamble, and lose it all of course, I cannot stand to see commercials on t.v. about any sort of finances, banks, savings or investments. I feel so targeted by them, like they are pointing out what a failure I am. My feelings toward everything to do with money and family are heightened for day afterwards. People I dont like seem to be more obvious to me, as if they know and are snickering at me. The shame can do weird things to your mind. I am sure that when you relapse as well all things must look at their worst, much more obvious and dark. Take a few days to readjust your mind so that what you have done doesn’t cloud your perception of reality. If you feel that you are now truly at your rock bottom at this point then “rise like a Phoenix from the ashes”. There is no reason why you cant be that success story that we all hear about. You are only 30 and have so many years left to fill with success. Why not make this the point where you mark ground zero and really see what you can build? If you feel that you can’t get any lower than the only way to go is up. That in itself should be a call to your sense of self preservation, a call to arms as it is. You can always make it so you dont lose everything once you start your way back by limiting your access and putting limits on how much cash you have access to. I dont put all of my money in the bank so I cant use it online. If I am at the point where i am going to be tempted i dont deposit a cheque until i am past the point where i will spend it all. Put money into an account where you dont have a bank card to withdraw it. There are things you can do to make it harder for you to gamble. Start a new system to do that instead of gamble. I, too, am at the day 2 mark but am not defeated quite yet. I had 6 really good days. I am determined to mark my 7th this week and am going to be extra vigilant to make sure that I can do so. There is nothing that we can do but try again. If we give up even trying then we are defeated. If we keep trying then we are fighting. Which one would you rather be?
14 February 2022 at 6:31 am #148596ujju197Participant
First of all don’t be sad at all, this is part of this recovery and fight with this evil.
But during my short recovery, I got to know that ……why relapse happens “Bcoz you still didn’t surrender yourself”. The first rule of this recovery says “Surrender yourself and don’t do anything foolish to clean the mess”. Last 3 days, I have feeling of playing too, thus what i have done “I changed my mobile device, i don’t have smart phone anymore, no access to internet through mobile”; I give my number which is linked with my banks to my wife. (i dont have single penny in that bank account, but soon i will have :P)
So just request you with folded hands, put as many blockers as you can, as per your situation, and keep yourself positive. Dont think you loose in gambling, assume you have opened a business and that fails drastically. And, now you have to pay back to your investors slowly and gradually by the hard work which you have done in past. And, try to learn new things/hobby. Apologies, if i said anything wrong….but its only you who can beat this demon.
14 February 2022 at 7:59 pm #148656wewinwhenwedontplayParticipant
Thank you to everyone for replying, and especially you ujju. I was just battling urges to gamble and came to this page and saw and read your response. It helped to counter my urges.
I realize I am at a point where I need intense help. My urges come several times within a day, and all it takes is me having a little bit of money (whether borrowed or not) to think I can go and win back everything I lost if I get on a hot enough streak. I know that that’s a lie and that’s the addiction speaking. I do know this is a problem though. Gambling has messed up my concept of money and what it means to earn it. People are starving and I lose several hundreds or even thousands in a matter of minutes. With this addiction, I admit, I’m pathetic.
14 February 2022 at 8:32 pm #148664charlesModerator
Hi, I just read a bit of your previous thread and this one. What you say about money is pretty much the same for many people. You can use the knowledge you already have:
Make ypourself accountable for the finances. Talk to people so that they know Not to lend you money. If you have a period of abstinence and get some money together you gamble? Then who can hold that money for you?
I recommend keeping one thread running rather than starting new ones – that way all advice is in one place and you can read back as you progress in recovery.
Keep posting and let us know the positive steps that you are taking.
Keep posting and let us know the practical steps you are taking.
You talk here about ringing your old GA sponsor, on your other thread you talk about the people you are “still in touch with” at GA….. are you going to get back to meetings?
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