4 August 2023 at 6:07 pm #180249recoveringjimParticipant
Don’t post here really but I do visit from time to time. I guess I just want to speak it out and make progress, For whatever reason I went and decided to gamble, undoing lots of hard work and costing me some money which could have been better spent elsewhere.
Alas, such is this crippling illness I carry with me. I have lapsed, however I am determined to regain my powers of strength in recovery and live in the freedom life has to offer when gambling is not part of it.
I am well versed in recovery and relapse etc now, having been a gambler for like 10 or more years and I have been in recovery since 2018. It definitely gets easier than it used to be but there are still difficult times. I have relapsed a few times now, before this incident it was about 10 months ago in October 2022.
Causes could be many things, but the usual suspects are apparent here. Time, access, money. Having finished university in June and not having a job left me feeling bored and seeking stimulation. Recipe for disaster for someone like me, however this was more of a spilled milk episode in terms of damage done, which in a weird way is great to say because I had a full blown relapse in 2021 where the damage was much worse. I do have a job on the horizon, all being well I should start in 2 weeks or so, it is not my ultimate goal but this will be more rewarding to me than gambling. It is important that I feel rewarded because often this is the cause of me losing faith in a task or job for example. Managing my feelings whilst doing a job I am not enamoured with will be challenging but I believe and know I am capable.
Back to the here and now, it is only after the event that I can realise what could be done better. Firstly, with my indifferent feelings of depression/sadness and general anxiety, I could’ve spoke to someone and addressed them with a better remedy than the one I chose. I was aware of my feelings taking a downward turn, and I am awaiting an appointment for talking therapy with my local NHS service. But the burden of anxiety and need to escape feeling sad got the better of me. Feeling lonely and isolated didn’t help matters either.
I now just feel a numbness and like my brain is not operating very well. I am sitting in the house and if I needed to think about something other than just existing it seems it would be very challenging.
Despite my annoyance at myself for having succumbed to some old urges and behaviours, these days I take much greater courage from events like this and seem to bounce back quicker than in my earlier years. I have already started to plan ahead for future days with budgeting and what I will be doing with my time. Access will always be troublesome because there are no obstacles that would stop me gambling if that was my mindset. Which it was just hours ago. And I know its easy to have strong convictions about giving up gambling because of the glaring problems I have just been through, but this is where I am at. These will fade and it is up to me to remind myself about the dangers of gambling for me, and promote all the good things as to why I don’t need to gamble and why life is better without it.
I have no qualms about tackling the issue of re-beginning recovery having been through it at least a few times.
Today I will rest my weary soul. My goal is to not gamble tomorrow.
If you have taken the time to read this, I am grateful, feel free to post a response if you would like.
4 August 2023 at 10:50 pm #180259velvetModerator
Hello Recovering Jim and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team
7 August 2023 at 4:39 pm #180332sparkle93Participant
Thank you for posting this recoveringJim. I read every word. It gives me hope to learn that there are people in situations just like me and are trying their past to get better despite the lapses. I was clean for a long time and lost it in a flash. I’m on a path to healing. I don’t want to live like this my whole life.
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