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16 April 2015 at 3:47 am #29999AmandaKNParticipant
Where to begin. I told myself I was going to find a help site for problem gamblers and just let everything out. Keep typing til I can’t anymore. So, this could get lengthy but I have to let it out!
I’m fresh off/still in the “days after a gambling loss” stage. Every time I reach this point, it just gets that much harder. I call this my vicious cycle – make a week or two without gambling, or just a week and win, then proceed to go again a few days or a week later and lose it all and then some. The crash after has been getting worse and worse and worse. I can’t move – I sleep til I simply can’t anymore than binge watch TV while eating horribly and barely doing a damn thing. It takes everything in my power to slowly crawl out of this depressive, suicidal hole. It’s been a couple days of doing absolutely nothing until today where I just did a few things after calling in sick to work. I miss weeks at a time throughout the year because of this shit. My boyfriend finally had time to sit with me tonight and really hash shit out – he has kept on working through it, but he has no where near the problem I have. But it was nice to just explain it all to him and have someone listen. Then he agreed I should post about it somewhere like here. But anyway, in the thick of it, I don’t give a shit about anything, not a damn thing, I wish i was dead and i basically am when i get in these states of mind – just dead to the world. Doesn’t help that i have a shitty job that just adds to the depression, so going to work to help snap out of it doesn’t really work for me.
Somehow I always think i’m not that bad yet or i haven’t hit rock bottom yet. I still have money to pay bills and I still have a roof over my head and food to eat. But, i’ll get that bad if i keep doing this. and this is bad enough – i can’t explain to anyone how much torture i feel inside these past couple days and even now. This has been ongoing – at this level – since my mom passed in a car crash in 2010. Before that it was getting out of control, too, but i handled it a lot better and wouldn’t lose close to what i lose now. it’s all a progressive cycle. Since i was 18, start of it all – then slowly slowly into a gradual vicious cycle. I used to only play slots for $20-40 maybe 2x a year. Then my friend introduced me to blackjack and that was an immediate thrill. that’s what really started it all. Then when I got bored of that and it just wasnt doing it for me anymore, I tried slots again. I won a little, boyfriend won a good amount, then i was hooked. That was my new drug of choice. And that has been getting worse and worse and worse. I’ve gone to many GA meetings, that helped for awhile. I’ve done multiple self-help attempts that go good for a bit. I even signed myself into outpatient gambling treatment for a month or so and that was good until i gave up thinking i was okay on my own again. nope. i’ve seen a variety of shrinks for years now (for various things) but most recently, saw one who was helping me with the gambling or at least trying to, but she has since referred me to another shrink. That’s still new, so not sure how that is even going. I cancelled an appt with that one today because I have isolated and don’t want to leave the house. Does this happen to anyone else? I’ve googled and seen that others get depressed, but anyone to this extent – for days – call into work, do nothing, feel horrible about yourself, isolate and close out the world? Am I alone in this?
I was thinking is this aftermath of a loss due to my will power and real self fighting back against my addict? Making me not just shrug it off and just go right back? Even tho that usually happens a couple weeks in. That’s what I’m scared of. I told my boyfriend that the only way I can be happy is to not gamble. And I just don’t have any faith that I won’t anymore after so many try’s and fails or a variety of things… I was feeling so incredibly good before all this – enjoying the little things in life – walking the dog, enjoying the weather, being with family… and then this beast takes over and rips it all to shreds. And no one really gets it – unless you have the problem.
I don’t think I can type much more right now – hands hurt and my head hurts. But, please write back and share any feedback, good or bad. I need to know I’m not alone.
Thanks – Amanda
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16 April 2015 at 8:56 am #30000DuncKeymaster
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Hi Amanda and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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16 April 2015 at 6:23 pm #30001gov3Participant
Hi Amanda
I feel your pain I was in exactly same situation I been trying to control it since 6 years .
I felt so depressed as you feel right now but you need to be strong .Firstly you need someone to control your money for you asap this is the only way to stop gambling in order to recover . The reason I say this is that I tried every method and cold turkey is the only option in my case.
My boyfriend controls my money now and he transfers my monthly spending money to my cash card account to which I can’t use online .
I have decided to use this time I order to recondition my thoughts and work out what triggers me to go back to online casinos .
This is really is like a disease , I used to be a smoker and I quit my smoking habit in a month and now been smoking free for 10 years . However I find gambling much harder to quit as it’s not something we consume it’s all in the mind hence why it’s a dangerous addiction .
I realise I only gamble when I am in debt or when I want something but don’t have the money to so I used to go casinos to get that money and than chase my losses and this is when it went out of control .
I personally believe there is hope we will get over it we just need to keep trying .
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16 April 2015 at 8:18 pm #30002AmandaKNParticipant
Thank you for replying back to my post.
I agree – I need to find someone to control my money. My boyfriend struggles with the same problem, though not nearly as much as me, but he enables me. So, I don’t think he’d be the best to watch my finances. We have a lot to work on with us, at this point it feels we are toxic to each other. But he saw me at my absolute worst these past couple of days and I think he’s finally understanding that it’s not something I can play around with – go only so often type thing. It has to be an end all this time. So, that makes me wonder who I should have watch my finances – my sister or my father… but doing that is something that seems very hard to do. I’ll have to keep thinking on that. Maybe start by giving them access to my bank accounts so they can watch what I do… Not sure yet.
It most definitely is a disease. No if’s, and’s, or but’s about it. I never imagined in a million years I’d be dealing with this for myself. I’m intelligent. I know that I am. But, sadly this has nothing to do with intelligence – it can happen to anyone.
I gamble when I’m bored or when I have a good chunk of $ in my bank account. I’ve never had over $2,000 at one time in my account. I don’t know how that even feels. I don’t save anything, I spend it all – at the damn casino. Even when I’m way up, I go way down before I can stop. Even then I don’t want to.
Yes, there is hope. I’m starting to believe that. The only way I’ve been able to get up and do things today – cleaning the house and putting in time on various forums. Trying to come up with an ultimate plan for this to be my last time. Still not sure yet, but gonna look back into GA and gonna use these forums consistently. That’s my plan at the moment.
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16 April 2015 at 8:47 pm #30003gov3Participant
Do you gamble online or go to casino ? . If you go to the casino get your self excluded asap if it’s online exclude your self from as many casinos as you can.
Think deeply what triggers you to go to the casino or online for instance mine was when I was in need of money mainly or when I wanted to buy something nice .
I know it’s hard but coming clean with your family is best thing to do they are there because they love you and would do everything to help you . If you don’t feel comfortable passing your finance to another person than think of ways to control it .
Do you use cash to gamble ? Credit cards ? In my case I only gamble online so even if I don’t give my finances to my boyfriend I could just close online banking and cut my cards I set up a cash card account that I can’t use in line and that’s where my spending money goes to and thank god I don’t visit bookies so this works for me really well .
You need to come up with strategies to control your finance first .
I am like you I never have allot of money in my bank reason is that I am Always paying bills hence why I need to pay them off first and only gamble with what’s left . I used to use my credit cards so I closed most of them and got two left to pay off and will do the same too . I now want to simplify my life so that I have no way to borrow money from banks so I don’t go I to debt.
It’s hard but you will get there .
Think of all those nice thing you can treat yourself with the money you think about giving to casinos .I been gamble free for 3 days now so today with the little cash I got I treated my self but getting my nails done it felt so good. Reward yourself .
I have a little boy so I feel so guilty waisting my money on gambling where instead I could buy him nice clothes and take him out for the day .
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16 April 2015 at 9:33 pm #30004AmandaKNParticipant
I don’t gamble online – tried it once but didn’t get the same thrill or whatever it is I’m seeking. I go to Indian casino’s. And I had banned/excluded myself 2 times in the past, currently am excluded right now through June. However, that doesn’t stop me, obviously. I don’t go to the real local one in town here, but there’s one that is 20 minutes away that I still go to and never get caught even though I’m on their exclusion list… risky as all hell, I know. But knowing I haven’t got caught in the past keeps me going.
What triggers me? Boredom. #1 thing. It’s the only hobby (for lack of a better word) I have – since I started going consistently it’s the only thing that gives me a thrill. Sometimes I have to just go to sleep to stop the urge. My boyfriend suggests many other things to do but I don’t want to do them when I’m “in it”… so sleep helps stop it. But I need more than that to stop it, because obviously it hasn’t worked.
My family knows all about it. And my dad just thinks I’m nuts and it should just be cut and dry – just quit, just stop. He loves me, but he doesn’t understand it. My mom passed away not long after I confessed to her I could tell I had a problem. This was when it wasn’t nearly as bad as it is now. She understood the irrationality of addiction, she was a nurse, so she was comforting and there for me. Still didn’t understand it like someone going through it, but she was a lot more willing to listen and not roll her eyes at me like my dad. My sister and her boyfriend know all about it and finally just got to the point of not wanting to hear about it anymore. They know the damage it is doing to me, they don’t understand this addiction, but my sister is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but she doesn’t understand the psychological part of this type of addiction. It isn’t physical – it’s all in the mind. The last time I reached out after a gambling binge she and her boyfriend basically came back and told me that if I don’t reach out beforehand to try and stop going, don’t tell them after because they don’t want to hear it. So, they’ve had enough – as have I.
I use cash to gamble. Used to use credit cards, but luckily my cash limit on them is low so haven’t used them in over a year. Doesn’t help I declared bankruptcy for reasons besides this, but then my credit card debt was wiped away, too. So, it was like a fresh start, but here I sit with over $1,000 in credit card debt again. Even though the cash limit is low, I’d use up my money and then use credit card for everyday expenses when I shouldn’t have been. That has also lessened quite a bit.
So, I don’t really know what strategies I could use to control my finances. Besides start with asking my sister if she would be willing to monitor my online account so she can check for when I withdraw large amounts of money. Then again, my addict would come up with other ways I’m sure. Sneaky son of a bitch.
Sounds like you have a plan in place. A good one, too. And that you’re making progress. Good for you!
And I’ve felt the way it feels to be gamble-free for over 30 days and the way it felt to have $ to spend on other things – enjoyable things. It feels amazing. But the addict is stronger than that feeling, so that’s where the struggle is.
I’ve decided I’m going to really start being healthy in the physical sense too – I love walking and feel so much better when I’m healthier. So, today I am starting that again too. I’m obese and have a binge eating disorder, too. So, that’s something I’m working on with my therapist, too.
Lot of things I typed out there – but for today I’ve come up with the following as a plan:
-Use Online forums – read and write
-Go back to GA (work up courage)
-Live healthier – eating and being active
-Journal
-Hobbies – try a new one each week – for a 1/2 hour -
16 April 2015 at 10:03 pm #30005gov3Participant
Ok. Your situation is very different to mine however it’s the same I just have lot better opportunities to control it .
I am sorry to hear about your mother and your dad is not being very supportive so is your sister l but my mother is like that too and my dad is a compulsive gambler and I some times think have I got it in my genes but I know I haven’t .Here are some control strategies that might help you
When you go out of your house don’t take your cards or money with you only take enough to come back home with .
Every Morning tell your self that you will be free from gambling . Affirmation is very powerful .
Go to ga meeting and try meeting with people who won this addiction and find out ways to stop yours , I know this is easier said than done.
Work out what times of the day or night you go to the casino and try making your self busy at those times by either cooking healthy food or joining a art class or some other free courses you can .
If you are religious try going to church or which ever religion you follow
Meditation is great try mastering meditation special at times when you get urge to gamble .
Remember you never own and never will
Write a journal here and keep diary of your successes and struggles . I started mine today you are more than welcome to follow mine or join with me .Take one day at a time . Focus on now and forget about past and future .
I use positive affirmations to get rid of negative thoughts in my brain .Casinos are hypnotising us in order to take our money and make us their salves once you recognise what triggers off you to gamble is when you can work on those thoughts .
It’s all in the mind and you are a very strong person hence why you are addicted to gambling it only happens to people like me and you .
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17 April 2015 at 9:17 pm #30006AmandaKNParticipant
Hi again –
Yes, out situations may be very different, but it’s all the same since we both struggle with gambling addiction. I don’t know if I necessarily don’t have good opportunities to control it…there are things I can do (GA, forums such as this, etc) and people I can reach out to (again GA, boyfriend, good friend)…
But yes, my mother was my rock and that shattered my world when she passed. She was the first person I ever brought up my gambling problem to… And she was surprised, but supportive and loving. My dad just doesn’t understand it… my sister and her boyfriend just get frustrated because it continually happens. You mention your dad has the same problem – it definitely can play a factor… genes that is. I found out after confessing to my dad that my great grandfather had a bad gambling problem. So much so that he bet his really nice cabin in a poker game and lost it – or it would still be in the family…
Thank you so much for the control strategies you listed. I will definitely be putting them into motion. I already started iwth the positive affirmation this morning – today I will not gamble. I’m on day 3. I’ll be looking into GA again – it’s a necessary.
I love that “Remember you never won and never will.” Very true. Instead, I lost – big time.
Journaling is on my list of things to start doing consistently – I would do it here or there, but not much else. Journaling kind of goes hand in hand with these posts I do, too. Just letting stuff out.
I also love that “Take one day at a time. Focus on the now and forget about the past…” I don’t want to forget about the future because that’s my motivation. A better future. Just have to figure out what that means/is.
There’s a website called fuckgambling.com that I found helpful in the past and will start to regularly read it again. It’s all about how casinoes hypnotize us and everything about casinoes is meant to pull us in and get us hooked. Even from the way the machines are set up, where the doors are, the sounds/lights, everything. It’s sick and twisted and reminds me again why I like that website because it puts it point blank how it’s like us addicts are rats in their maze.
It is all in the mind and I need to clear my mind. That’s why I’m taking multiple days off to try and start some kind of foundation to take on reality. You and I are both strong, intelligent people. This addiction can take hold of anyone. Please keep writing and anyone who reads this also! Love the communication of people who understand.
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17 April 2015 at 11:18 pm #30007veraParticipant
Hi Amanda!
Yes, it’s good to speak with like minded people who understand the nature and dangers of gambling.
I’m sorry to hear you lost your kind and understanding mum. I notice Loss plays a big part in the lives of many gamblers.
I , like you tend to withdraw and isolate after gambling escapades. I find this has become a habit now and I really don’t want to meet people on any level. Gambling has long term consequences apart from monetary loss.
I wonder should you have a deeper look at your relationship with your B/F if he is also into gambling . Especially as you say he enables you?
Maybe joint counselling would help?
Taking time off work to clear your head seems a reasonable thing to do but it can also allow us to use isolation instead of facing the real issues.
Nothing good comes from gambling Amanda.
It has the potential to destroy us.
“Good luck” in recovery! -
24 April 2015 at 5:14 am #30008AmandaKNParticipant
Hi!
A little update on how things are going for me. I’m now 10 days clean from gambling. A lot of things have happened personally that has kept me busy, and today I knew that the busy-ness would be coming to an end and really felt that urge to go – realizing I tended to gamble when I had spare time and no structure. But I am staying true to myself and fighting that urge and made myself work on some things and take time to write on the gambling help websites. I did end up taking a week off, last week. I then decided to finally get myself off this anti-depressant that I had been tapering down off of for months now (okay-ed by doctor of course) and I had been going through severe withdrawals, so I submitted for a personal leave of absence – kind of tieing everything together – stopping gambling, going through the withdrawals, and once those withdrawals stop (coming soon, it’s already been getting a lot better), going to be looking into finding a new job and looking into going to school. I took my own advice, some advice from people on forums, and took the leap of finally getting out of the call center field I’ve been stuck in for years. I am going to find something new and take a leap of faith. I know a horrible job is a huge reason I do gamble – to escape. When you’re in a job – whether you want to admit it or not it’s the majority of what you do during waking hours and if you don’t like it, it’ll slowly kill you inside. So, I still have my job, but I’m on a leave and hoping to find a new one. In the midst of all this was some legal issues with my sister’s boyfriend so I was helping them out with that and being there for them. I’m feeling pretty good… withdrawals are still there but getting better (its hard to explain, but the medication Effexor is horrible to get off of and it takes so long to finally feel “normal” again). I’m damn proud of myself for not gambling throughout this 10 days and I’m gonna keep fighting it. That’s all I can do! It’ll be a bit tough financially on my boyfriend and I during my leave and finding a new job, but it has to happen. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know when another opportunity will come. Saw my therapist again yesterday and that was really good! It made me feel good about my decisions – I laid it all out to her – explained everything that’s been happening and she agrees with what I’m doing. She really helped me to realize I am one that needs structure, no doubt about it. I always kind of knew I thrived better with structure to my day. But I’m now realizing how important that really is. It’s when I have no plans and am bored that I am most likely to gamble. So I’m going to try and plan my days with structure and instead of overwhelming myself with this big task – find a job that I can do while going to school that doesn’t make you wanna shoot myself – I need to break it down into little bite-size pieces and schedule it out. Write down the goal and all the different branches that stem from that goal in order to achieve it.
Here’s to not listening to that horrible little voice trying to get you to gamble!! The little voice was nagging me today pretty bad for a bit – but I was vocal about it – to my sister and boyfriend and they helped remind me not to do it, and it felt good to be honest that it was happening a bunch and own up to it. Usually I’d internalize it until it bugged me enough to give in. NOT ANYMORE!!
I also mentioned to my therapist that I am interested in the counseling field and was thinking that I would make a great addiction counselor once I have more recovery time under my belt. I felt kind of silly, since I’m just now starting my recovery – but she made a good point. That a lot of addiction counselors go into those fields because they once were there, too. And starting recovery and then looking into it and educating myself and taking steps to make that profession happen are all part of my recovery, too. And it would all be helping me and making that much more capable of helping others, while helping myself. Just a thought – not sure that’s what I want exactly but I think I’d make a damn good one 😉
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