15 February 2015 at 12:19 pm #1675
The bit of your post that hits home most with me, is when you beat yourself up with a stick for falling for the same old rubbish again but which one of us does not want to ‘know’ when our child needs help – which one of us can turn our backs when the ‘oh so believable’ loss of money can be put right by us.
It doesn’t matter San if we tell ourselves a thousand times, ‘what I am hearing isn’t true – there is always that 1% that says, suppose this time it is true and it is that 1% that keeps us awake at nights.
The brain tumour almost certainly equals the suicide threats but what if………..? Well dear San all his lies have been ‘his’ choice to make. It is ‘his’ threats that have turned him into the boy who, when he cries ‘wolf’, people no longer believe him – and it is only him that can change that.
I am relieved when you say you still the best in everyone because I am the same. I feel that having had the addiction take control my life I ought to be more astute and more doubtful of motives but – why should we be willing to mistrust so easily, surely if this has happened to us then the addiction has won?
What I can do now, that I couldn’t do before, is to walk away faster when my trust is threatened. I know that you have had long periods when you have achieved this too and you can do it again..
Forget beating yourself up, get back to doing what is important, looking after you and supporting your partner through his treatment for cancer.
In the past, all your son’s worries have been overcome, either by the instant method which is you helping him out, or the longer (more frustrating to him) method of sorting himself out. Of course one of these times he might mess up completely and not sort himself out, of course he might get caught on the wrong side of the law – it happens and that is the risk that he takes every time he gambles.
It’s tough San but you have done so well in the past and you can do it again now. Batten down the hatches and keep his addiction out of ‘your’ life. He can change but it doesn’t appear that your son is prepared to make the effort as long as the easy options are there for him.
Look after yourself
V15 February 2015 at 4:13 pm #1676twilight16Participant
I read the fear in your words. I read the frustrations and the hopelessness. I have been there.
The best advice I can give, is to retrieve yourself away from your son for a long time. I did this with my father, I shut him out completely even though we lived in the same city.
I blocked his number from my phone and never answered unknown phone numbers. I chose this route the last few years of him terrorizing me because he knew how to get to my heart, he knew how pull me in where I felt guilty. He knew how to turn the tables, then saying I love you and when I didn’t help, he would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t cave into his demands. Of course I was a mess, but at the end I told him go ahead and guess what? He didn’t. It was the addiction bluffing.
In these times you have to remember the last time you helped him, it did nothing, but allowed him to gamble again.
He is so deep in the addiction that there is nothing you or anyone can do. He does not have the desire to stop, his desire is to continue to gamble.
I realized through the years, the best defense is our recovery. Be good to you, vowing to never feed into the addiction. Remembering we have to often take extreme measures not to be abused by the addiction.
Twilight15 February 2015 at 4:52 pm #1677
I would just like to add a postscript to Twilight’s brilliant post.
A friend of mine is being sent texts that she doesn’t like, often during the night which disturbs her sleep. I told her to leave her phone off at least during the night. She said ‘BUT I have to keep in on in case my son who lives on the other side of the world wants me or my daughter needs help with her children. It is always the ‘but’ that leaves the door and yet it wasn’t that long ago that parents and children could not keep tabs on one another because there was no such thing as a mobile phone. I would imagine this is one of your concerns and my suggestion would be to tell your other children and friends another way of contacting you – even changing your number.
If there really was an emergency you would be found, just as children and their parents used to be in the not so distant past.
V15 February 2015 at 6:13 pm #1678madge456Participant
I read you last post and my heart sank for you. The line
“I think he has an antenna when my defences are down” really resonated with me…
Some how our kids do know when to push when we are feeling weak. I can totally relate to the moment when the kids are asking you to do something and you have that inner moment of hesitation that says “don’t do it!” but then the mothering instinct kicks in and says “oh I need to take care of my “baby” (no matter how old they are). It is in that moment when I find myself taking a deep breath and saying to myself – “NO – I cannot compromise myself again- I must protect my mental space and health”. It is hard but it is during those times that I realize if I give all of myself up, there will be nothing left of me.
You did right by turning him down again. His manipulation of putting the words of ‘brain tumor’ out there are more evidence of his narcissism and lack of concern over your health or the health of your partner.
I am not in a postion to advise, but if I could I would suggest not to beat yourself up. Your actions came from a loving place (even though they are not in your best interest). Sometimes being “selfish” is the best course of action and certainly is in the face of the addictions that will take and take and take until you are literally and /or figuratively dead.
Live. Protect yourself. You have done all you can. You are not responsible for your CG anymore. He is grown and his problems he has created are his own.
As a mom is is super hard to do that, but your self preservation is at stake. Live for yourself. Life is so short.
Sending my love and support to you…
Madge15 February 2015 at 6:34 pm #1679
I just want you to know I am reading the replies as they come in and really appreciate every word. I will reply in full another time. We get my partner’s full results tomorrow and are trying to have a quiet weekend ahead of a daunting week to come. The phone I use for my son has been turned off over the weekend! I started turning my phone off at night a long time ago. It’s interesting your use the term ‘Narcissism’ Madge, my ex husband was one and all of my children show traits of it :(.
I have to go now but I will be back later in the week. Thankyou all so much xx15 February 2015 at 6:53 pm #1680madge456Participant
Narcissism never occurred to me either about my CG. His therapist brought it up and it was like the light bulb went off! Of course! That is how my CG could abuse all of us because it was ALL ABOUT HIM!
Narcissism will never care about you or anyone else. Until your CG learns empathy narcissism will always win.
I will be keeping you and your partner in my thoughts as you deal with the news of this week. May it be good news.
Madge17 February 2015 at 6:49 pm #1681
Just a note to say you are in my thoughts as you make your way through what you call a ‘daunting’ week. You will somehow find the strength to face each day and all that happens, I am sure. I’m glad you are getting support from people’s posts and that you are looking after yourself.
With very best wishes,
Monique22 February 2015 at 9:20 pm #1682berberParticipant
Just want to wish you strength and please know that I am thinking of you.
X0x023 February 2015 at 5:41 am #1683
Firstly, thank you all so much for your loving supportive messages. They really do help :). xx
My partner is going to hospital everyday this week apart from today for meetings with radiotherapists, oncologists etc and on friday has an operation to insert a stomach peg so he can feed. We find out what dates he will have his radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Our hospital is 3 train journeys away and costs al!
I have given most of my money to my cg to help him set up his life and he promised (now laugh) to pay me back and set up a direct debit for a very small amount each week.
In this country if someone gives up their job to care for someone there is no provision for a ‘carer’s allowance’ so I have an agreement with my employers for the next 8 weeks where I just have to work 2 of them and can care for my partner while he goes through his treatment.
I explain this to my cg and ask he sets up the direct debit to help me through this time. Bear in mind he actually earns more than me.
I expect most of you know what’s coming! I was barraged with excuses why he could not do this and it ended in verbal abuse hurled my way and no offer of help. I kept relatively calm said he was unbelievable and to leave me alone. We agreed for him to go and live his life and for me to go and live my life.
I love my son but I don’t like my son.
So now no contact for the weekend and I have been able to enjoy a stressfree, free from emotional abuse weekend before my partner embarks on his treatment plan. I feel relief. My daughter is on standby to come and help me too.
If you want to do something for me now, please send good vibes my way to help me get through this next phase of my life. We are both really scared.
San xx23 February 2015 at 5:32 pm #1684
Consider it done – my thoughts and prayers are with you both24 February 2015 at 10:15 pm #1685
Hi San. Continuing to think of you fondly.
Monique4 March 2015 at 11:31 pm #1686
I hope your partner’s treatment is going well and that you are not getting stress from your son.
Thinking about you
Velvet5 March 2015 at 7:14 am #1687
Thank you ladies for your kind wishes. My partner is about to embark on chemo and radiotherapy for 8 weeks. We are exhausted with trips to the hospital to get ready for the treatment, which starts next monday.
I haven’t had any contact with my Cg for nearly two weeks now. He text me to say I was a nasty piece of work, to which I had to tell myself I wasn’t that and he was just lashing out. I just replied Ok. Last week he attempted to make contact with a hello but I chose to ignore it. I cannot deal with his drama and I am enjoying the freedom of no contact.
I think everyone has a point when enough is enough or people cross a line and I think I finally reached that point with him. The space has also given me some clarity over his behaviour and I have had to separate the fact he is my son but he is his own person and an adult, not my little boy anymore.
Take care everyone.
San xx6 March 2015 at 10:00 pm #1688
Thank you, San, for this message. You are amazing, even though I can see you are probably feeling like you are just struggling on through tiredness to do what is necessary. I’m glad you can find the strength to withstand the onslaught from the addiction, when it comes your way and you are getting a break for yourself – at least from that.
Wishing you continued strength as you and your partner travel through this phase of treatment and hoping it ultimately brings better health.
Monique31 March 2015 at 12:10 pm #1689
Hi everyone. A little update for you. My partner is nearly halfway through his cancer treatment. I won’t say it’s easy because the daily trek to the hospital for radiotherapy and weekly chemotherapy is no way easy. I am off work with stress while he goes through this treatment.
About a month ago, my son, my cg and I had a huge row and it ended with me saying that it was best he led his life and I led my life. He called me ‘a nasty piece of work’ which I had to really really talk to myself and wake up to ‘No, you are not a nasty piece of work’. He was lashing out. Anyway, we have had minimal contact since. I’ve turned off the phone he could contact me on … it’s sitting in a draw and not been on for month. He left a message on Skype to say Happy Mother’s Day and hoped my partner was getting better.
But that’s it. I don’t feel anything. I am angry at myself for giving the bookies all my money but that’s it. Don’t know what else to say right now, but hope everyone else is okay and finds the strength to resolve/walk away/let them go/get your cg to get help. I still hope one day he will ‘wake up’ and get the help he deserves.
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