31 March 2015 at 12:55 pm #1690
You are certainly having a really tough time, it is hard to hear the commonsense part of your brain talking when you are feeling so low but hear it you should.
Of course those horrible words said to you are not true. Your son’s addiction is incredibly nasty and he isn’t thinking logically, rationally or with any empathy or thought for anybody else but himself. He doesn’t know how to empathise; it doesn’t suit his addiction to care for you but for all that (and hard as it is to believe) your son is still in there somewhere, the son who does love you.
You are possibly the closest target, the one he has leant on before and succeeded in turning to his addiction’s advantage – you will always be worth another try until he faces what he has become. I firmly believe that one day he will wake up and get the help he deserves.
I am glad you have left your phone turned off, in a drawer – you don’t need to hear his addiction spewing its false accusations, you deserve as much rest, care and patience as is possible at this time.
Hospital trips for radiotherapy and chemotherapy are very wearing and demoralising I know, I hope the treatment will soon be complete and your partner on his way to good health – you both deserve so much more.
Sending you both every good wish
Velvet16 May 2015 at 7:41 pm #1691berberParticipant
Dear San, how have you been? I hope you are being ‘ left alone ‘ by your Cg. Wishing you and your husband much strength and a peaceful summer.
B.18 May 2015 at 9:52 am #1692
Thank you for thinking of me. My partner finished his chemoradiation treatment three weeks ago and is slowly recovering. We won’t know for 2 -3 months if it has worked or not. I’ve gone down with the flu but it’s probably a reaction to all the stress. We keep going and then when the pressure is off it can hit you. My cg has his moments! He always seems to know when I’m at my lowest. I am trying hard not to respond to the addiction. I don’t always succeed with that. I’ve gone back to a lady who helped me get over my horrible ex husband. She does healings where negative beliefs are eradicated and new healthier beliefs put in. I don’t know how it works but it does. I asked her to help me deal with my son. I want to be able to see his number flash up on my phone and not to go into ‘panic’ mode, to be able to talk to him calmly and with compassion but to stick to my beliefs. On friday he had gone through the ‘normal’ thing for him, get his pay packet and blow it in the bookies, ring mother, tell her a story about how his life is now going to end as he doesn’t have the mortgage money and expects me to bail him out. I didn’t!! An hour later he says he got lucky and its all sorted. I didn’t ask how. He wants me to go back to the UK to take him to the doctors to get help. I told my own doctor this and he said, He needs to take responsibility for his own health. It really struck home!! So I think the biggest change is I am getting help for ME. My cg needs to take responsibility for his actions and face the consequences. I am finally letting him go and I don’t feel guilty anymore.
How is it going with you B? I hope you are okay too. Take Care. San27 June 2015 at 6:56 am #1693
Hi everyone, Since I’ve been working on myself, I’ve become much stronger in dealing with my son. For the last three weeks he has stopped contacting me on a daily basis. I’ve learnt the word ‘No’ and he seems to have accepted that. I’ve had a few ‘I need to talk’ texts and I’ve replied, ‘No, I have no money’. He came back, ‘It’s not about money, why do you always think it’s about money?’ Duh because for the last 8 years that’s all the calls have been about! Anyways, he hasn’t contacted me and I’ve contacted him once a week to have a mother/son chat about life in general and no mention of money. It’s so good to have a normal conversation with him. I’ve accepted that it’s none of my business what he is up to and if he gets into trouble he has to face the consequences. I’ve also accepted if he follows through suicidal thoughts, I really did my best to help him, but cannot be held to ransom with these threats anymore. I still hope one day he will seek the help he needs but right now the most help I can give him, is to look after myself and my sanity. Love to you all xx1 July 2015 at 3:41 pm #1694
I hope that your health is good and your partner is doing well. It was so good to hear from you again with such a positive post.
San I am going to take a deep breath and hope that you have ‘known’ me long to enough to know that I am not judging when I say that you have said similar words before.
My favourite line was “I’ve contacted him once a week to have a mother/son chat about life in general and no mention of money. It’s so good to have a normal conversation with him” – but I feel I would be failing you if I did not stress the importance of not relaxing too comfortably into ‘normal conversation’. Until your son has controlled his addiction, his mind will not allow such undemanding communication to continue for long. I am glad that you are making the calls because you are controlling when they take place, allowing you to ensure you are in a good frame of mind but please keep those barriers up.
You could do no more for your son than what you have been doing. Your sanity is precious and could not be more-so than when your son turns the corner. I hope your other children are continuing to give you the happiness you deserve.
Velvet20 July 2015 at 7:13 am #1695BigSisParticipant
Hi San, I just wanted to thank you for talking about your experience with your son so openly on this forum.
I am the older sister of a CG who has been gambling for about 4 or 5 years. I have enabled him for most of those years by giving him significant amounts of money & lying for him (of course I thought I was helping & protecting him).
I first read your posts a few months ago when things with my brother got particularly bad & I felt completely hopeless & alone. I came across this website & your post was the first one I read as I immediately could relate to your statement of not wanting to be an enabler.
It broke my heart to read about your struggles because I could relate to everything you said – you could have easily have been describing my brother. It was actually a bit of a wake up call for me because for the first time I started to see the gambling patterns, the lies, the threats etc. for what they were. After reading your post I found the courage to start saying “no” to my brother. It lasted for a few months but recently he has come back into my life & unfortunately things have gone backwards a bit. Today was a pretty bad day so I thought I’d come back to this forum. Reading your last post has given me some hope & inspiration. I’m glad to hear that things are improving now that you are looking after yourself.
Thanks again for your courage & strength in sharing the good & the bad. I just wanted you to know that reading your posts helped me.
Take care of yourself.22 July 2015 at 7:18 am #1696
Thank you so much for your kind comments. Ive always been an honest person so my comments have reflected this, good times and not so good times. I am currently continuing to work on self empowerment with forgiveness. While we continue to focus on the cgs, life will continue to keep giving us problems. We cannot fix them, we can only help ourselves, look how long it took me to realise this and be strong enough to do something about it! Ive had to look so deep to find out why i continued to enable him so long. Ive found beliefs in me of: if i dont help him he will reject me and abandon me; i dont trust him to do the right thing; love will conquer all; he will/is bringing shame on the family; i wanted to make up for the horrible childhood he had concerning his father etc etc. Ive been able to accept these now and am learning to self love so i dont need these beliefs in my life. Ive learnt to forgive myself for enabling him and to let him go to take the consequences of his actions. Who am i to control his life like this? Big lessons learnt and i still hope one day he will seek help for himself. Much love to everyone xx29 July 2015 at 3:30 am #1697BigSisParticipant
I recognise all of those negative self-beliefs & it gives me great hope to know that it is possible to overcome them. I haven’t reached that point yet – I still feel all of the guilt, shame & worry you talked about…. but as my mum always used to say: “The journey of 1000 miles begins with one step”. Today I managed to say “no” to my brother for the first time in the last few weeks. I guess that’s something. Now I just have to stick to it & not change my mind as the guilt creeps in & the phone calls start!!
I agree with you completely about giving CGs our focus & attention. This usually leads to major problems & disappointments in our lives. Earlier this year I got so fed up that I blocked my brother’s phone calls & stopped calling him completely. I didn’t hear from him for about 2 months & funnily enough I stopped worrying about where he was, what he was doing etc. I started focusing on my life & started making plans for MY future for the first time in years. All of a sudden I started to feel happy & hopeful. I stopped panicking every time my phone rang & stopped checking for messages every 5 minutes. Even my friends & work colleagues started to notice a difference in me. I guess that’s all part of that empowerment you are talking about…when you start to love yourself & put yourself first.
Changing your core beliefs is hard work so well done San! I’ve been trying to do it for most of my life. It’s funny how we can continue to forgive our CG after unspeakable hurt & disappointment but forgiving ourselves is so damn hard.
I love my brother but as you said…he has to deal with the consequences of his actions & get to a point where he wants to seek help for himself. While I’m enabling him, he never will. I can see that…. now I just have to stop doing it!
Good luck with your journey to empowerment San…you deserve self-love & happiness. I hope that your son will seek out & accept the help that he needs too.
Keep strong!27 August 2015 at 7:04 pm #1698
I would love an update; you are often in my thoughts.
I was so pleased and relieved to read that you have forgiven yourself – it is strange and sad how long it takes us to do so. Hopefully having forgiven yourself you are now having a more peaceful life – you certainly deserve it.
I won’t be posting for a couple of weeks but I hope to hear from you.
V29 August 2015 at 7:54 am #1699
Hi Velvet and everyone 🙂
I love how you pop up in my email whenever I’m having a cg crisis, you must have a crystal ball!!
Well the inevitable has happened and due to gambling my son’s relationship has spectacularly collapsed and her family flew him out of the country! So now a week later he is back on the island he was on before, penniless and miserable.
I’ve been working so hard on myself. The only person I am going to change. I have to change to find peace and get rid of co-dependency ways. Being co-dependent means I have a huge need to fix things and control things to keep myself safe and happy, but as we know no one wants to be controlled. I’m currently working on boundaries and realise I’ve had very few! And my need to give away my stuff is due to wanting to be accepted and loved. Now I’ve cleared that belief up I am feeling much stronger and calmer. This bit really hit home … “There maybe times we are called upon to assist but it will seriously impact upon our time, resources or energy levels. It is foolish to give time when we are running out of it ourselves, money when we are struggling financially or effort when we are exhausted or unwell.” and this, “EMPOWERING SOMEONE ELSE TO NOT NEED YOU”.
So for the last two nights my son has told me he has nothing, no where to stay, no money and no food. It’s very hard but I have not sent him anything. He is resourceful and the things he says do not add up. He only wants me to put money in his bank blah blah blah. How much he has to lose before he wakes up, I do not know.
I’m off to see my daughter in two weeks for a few days and I can’t wait. I haven’t seen her for a year due to my partner’s cancer treatment. He is now in remission and I can leave him on his own. It’s been a hard year but I hope on the up now. My other son is in South Asia studying and I’m going to see him next year :).
I hope everyone else is okay and not letting the cg ruin their lives. Take care everyone. San xx30 August 2015 at 4:59 pm #1700moniqueParticipant
It’s good to hear from you, San. Like all of us, you continue to learn – it doesn’t matter if some things seem to take a long time to sink in, as long as we are going in the right direction. Things that became ingrained in our minds and hearts in the past do not shift quickly.
I’m glad to hear that your partner is now in remission – long may this last.
I hope you will enjoy seeing your daughter and, next year, your other son. And always willing your cg to find his recovery.
Monique16 October 2015 at 1:15 pm #1701
It must be time for an update; you had a lot going on in your last post,
Hope to hear
V16 October 2015 at 3:15 pm #1702
Hi Velvet and everyone
So here’s an update … I continue to work on myself and I am indeed not the person I was even a couple of months ago. I’ve worked very hard on clearing beliefs in me that had a negative effect on myself and my life. I’ve realised I had NO boundaries and especially the cg could twist me round his little finger with no problem at all. I’ve taken my focus off him, it’s no longer my business what he does with his life, it’s his life. He is an adult not a five year old. I will no longer tolerate his games. He told me recently he tried to kill himself and supposedly called me from a hospital with a croaky voice.
I think the biggest thing that has happened is I have let him go, and I have finally forgiven myself for not taking my children out of my toxic marriage. My enabling was a form of conditional love (buying his love for feeling guilty for his childhood) and trying to fix everything to protect him from life. Everyone is responsible for their own healing. I accept my part in his upbringing and I’ve shown him where he can get help but until he has reached a point in his life that really hurts, only he can do something about it.
I’ve also cleared out negative beliefs in relation to overeating, these go back to childhood and feelings of being abandoned, rejected and conditional love. I am no longer an emotional eater and I have no desire at all to eat unhealthy food or in excess. I have lost 6 kg since August without even trying.
I truly believe for some cgs the desire to gamble is in relation to negative beliefs running in their body and stem from childhood wounds. They would rather gamble than face their true feelings and when they lose and mess up their lives they face even more pain and sink deeper into it. If they could find the courage to become conscious and face those fears and work hard in recovery they stand a chance.
There are 3 levels of consciousness:
1. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why I’m doing it.
2. I know what I’m doing but I don’t know why I’m doing it.
3. I know what I’m do and I am deeply interested in understanding ‘why’ I do it.” –
When people want to know why they do something, they ‘wake up’ and recovery can start.
I love the work you do here. It helped me so much in my journey and I will be always grateful for the support and guidance you all offered. Much love San xx17 October 2015 at 8:27 pm #1703veraParticipant
Brilliant post, San.
I can relate (as a CG) to using gambling instead of facing Life’s “issues”.
I can also see how I shielded my (wayward but non CG son) by “buying him over”, to make up for mistakes I made in his childhood.
And by golly , does he know how to remind me of my shortcomings!
Life is delightful , when we wake up!9 January 2016 at 4:25 pm #1704
I haven’t heard from you in a while and I am sorry that I didn’t reply to you as I should have done.
Forgiving yourself was long overdue and I hope that now you have done so, you are more relaxed with ‘you’ and therefore more able to keep your son’s addiction separate from you. I would argue that your enabling was never a form of conditional love to cover your feelings of guilt – I believe that it was in line with you being a mum and wanting the best for a child who obviously struggled more than his siblings.
I am sure that you are right that many CGs gamble to compensate childhood wounds, real or imagined but a mother can only do her best and I know you did this. When you son changes his life he will know this too but I’m afraid that knowledge is still eluding him.
It seems to me that your son wavers between ‘I know what I’m doing but I don’t know why I’m doing it’ and ‘I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know why I’m doing it’. I am hoping that maybe he is getting closer to acceptance that he has an addiction but that he really can do something about it.
I hope that you are your partner are experiencing better health and that 2016 will be a good year for you both.
I would love an update
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