3 July 2013 at 9:13 pm #1555
‘As far as you know he has no place to stay, no money and no food’ – you imagine the worst because you think logically and imagine how you would feel if you were in the shoes of your loved one – but it is not possible when the person you love’s mind is distorted with addiction.
I wish your son a goodnight too and pray that he will be safe and set your mind at rest soon. Sadly, I am sure that tonight he will be thinking only of himself and your peace of mind will be far from his thoughts.
You have done amazingly well today – I know it is easier for me to make suggestions than it is for you to follow the suggestions through.
I hope you sleep well tonight. Think about the son who has just been to see you when you close your eyes and know that he ***** his mum to be strong – all your children look to you for strength and you are showing it.
One day at a time is all anybody can cope with
4 July 2013 at 3:43 pm #1556
I imagined ‘the worst’, woke up several ***** in the night. Then received the first text of many today, saying he had slept in a park and been bitten to death! Over the course of the day he tripped himself up and told me he caught a bus today (which means in slept in a bed), the family he is staying with gave him money he has to pay back (he has money) is now talking about gambling his last euro in the casino and is NOW in a panic over how he is going to get back to the place tonight and pay these kind people back. Expects me to pay for a hotel for him and get money to him. I am worn out by his constant texts today. I’ve been on my own, out with a friend. Didn’t want to bother my friend with my cg’s problems and haven’t even explained to my partner what’s been going on today. The lies I expect/accept and find it very sad. Sad that so much energy has been used by him to come up with the lies and me in believing them to begin with. I am not playing these games, my phone is going off and I’m going to ignore him for now because I am worn out and desperately need some sleep tonight. Slowly I’m waking up to the nature of the beast. I’ve just heard that Bernie Nolan has lost her fight against cancer and this news has hit me hard. I have another scan at the end of the month to see what my own cancer is doing.4 July 2013 at 6:48 pm #1557
Dear San It is sad to hear about the death of Bernie at only 52. It reminds us once again how precious is each day that we have. We can’t always have sunshine and laughter, but we try to make the best of what we have.
I can feel your exhaustion and I would agree with you that it will be good to switch off that phone and look after yourself now.
It can be difficult to know when to share your experiences with a friend – but if it is a good relationship with some depth, it can help to be honest and accept support from that friend.
If you KNOW they won’t be able to support without judgment, of course it is not much use, but if it is someone who cares about you, perhaps you do not need to ‘pretend’ these things are not happening in your life? You don’t need to share every detail, but it can be a relief just to describe briefly what YOU are going through. Whatever your choices, look after YOU. And I wish you well.
Keep hope alive.– 04/07/2013 18:51:35: post edited by monique.4 July 2013 at 7:17 pm #1558
Thanks Monique, I’ve turned my phone off and am talking to my daughter now, who’s been in bed ill all day. She’s woken up to 43 missed calls from my cg son! The friend I have been out with today is a new friend and it’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s my french is rubbish and, although, her English is good, things get lost in translation (isn’t that a film?). She’s a new friend but over my cancer she disappeared for a few months. Because my french is so basic I don’t have many friends here yet. If I’d been in the UK I’d have gone to a support group for family and friends but I doubt there would be one here in English as it’s not one of the official languages. Hope you are well and in a good place. San x4 July 2013 at 9:19 pm #1559
I hope you are almost asleep – most of what I was going to say to you I have just said. It is great to talk in real time.
As I said I was already writing to you when the group started. I have looked at what I had written and deleted most of it. I will leave part of it though as a reminder of what I said.
Your son is being a naught boy involving his sister so much. I think it would be a good idea if she told him she cannot be the intermediary and he must talk to you direct – and then you get your partner to vet all the calls. Is it possible to get her to understand a little of what enablement is without distressing her? Unfortunately as she is in the UK we are not funded to support her but she can read the forums. If she could understand that passing the messages on feeds his addiction maybe it would help. I know it is difficult – siblings tend to have their own point of view!
It is really sad but he is using her and there is no other word for it. If she feels really pushed by her brother perhaps she could try Gamanon – the physical support from a good group is brilliant.
I can understand that it is ***** like this when you wish that those around you spoke the same language so that you could just unwind. We go to France every year and I manage the language fine until something goes wrong and then it seems everything speeds up and is unintelligible.
Keep posting and keep doing what you are doing now – although I would strongly recommend not listening to the bile you are receiving because it doesn’t help you or your son. As I said I think you could be in for the long haul and you need your strength to cope – if you throw everything into the ‘now’ you will have nothing left for the future when he does want to change. Listening to horrible things weakens us even if we think we can cope with it – it is a better world where we don’t hear it. Your son is not saying what is in his heart – it is his addiction talking and there are no holds barred when it wants enablement. One threat is no different to all the others. You know you don’t think the things he says you think and you are not the person he implies you are – his words are therefore not worth listening to.
I hope there are a load of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’s coming from you bed – another day completed.
6 July 2013 at 5:42 am #1560
It’s gone quiet. Managed a good sleep last night and taking it one day at a time. Thank you everyone for your support through a difficult week but I have no sent him any money this week or paid for anything. I’ve stopped doing his thinking for him and he has come up with some good ideas for himself. My partner has been helping me with the text and answers. I’m not thinking too far ahead and just trying to take things at my pace, something I know frustrates my cg, but this is my life and I won’t be pushed into things I don’t want to do anymore. I feel empowered :).8 July 2013 at 3:45 pm #1561
Well that didn’t last long!! Don’t feel empowered anymore. Feel stupid. Is it that it is so ingrained in us to ‘enable’ /want to help our offspring? How am I going to stop? He knows all my triggers so well. I tried to get on the advice line but it disconnects before I get to speak to anyone, sooo frustrating. So I have paid for a ticket for him to get back to the UK. He has somewhere to stay, he’s signed on and applied for four jobs, all in two hours. He is a survivor but I feel stupid, disappointed in myself for bailing him out when I said I wouldn’t. There’s a part of me that feels relieved that he is going back to the UK, that I have planted seeds for rehab even though he is not ready for it. I have compromised my own finances but the stress of him being in a foreign country was too much for me and I needed some relief. Is that selfish of me? I am having so many doubts right now.8 July 2013 at 9:32 pm #1562
Come of San – get back to feeling empowered because you are – you can do this.
He is certainly resourceful and a survivor – now you have to dig into your emotional resources and survive too.
I cannot tell you what to do but I do hope you can now stop compromising your finances, your relationship and your life.
I hope to hear you feeling more positive – you are definitely not stupid but you are on a painful learning curve – parents do not want their children to suffer and being tough does not come naturally. It takes a lot of bashing in to your head that to love a CG is to be tough – nobody could learn it quickly.
Hope to speak to you in real time soon
9 August 2013 at 10:54 am #1563
Update … I haven’t been able to get to the group this week but wanted to let you know I went for my scan this week and everything is good. The lymphoma is still ‘inactive’ and there are no new sites. So its all good 🙂 hoping it will be 6 months before I get scanned again but if it’s 3 so be it. I’ve also been for a job interview and go for a week’s trial very soon. AND England retained the Ashes!! One very happy ***** this end. Just wanted to show people that life goes on and once you can clear your head of the ‘addiction’ it allows other things to enter your life. And my cg? I am really taking a ‘back’ seat and letting him come to me. He has asked me to send him money to help him out but I still say NO and he now backs off straight away. I am trying very hard not to talk about gambling at all with him and when he starts to go ‘down’ in the conversation I bring it right back up. For example he has just been paid and is already saying he only has 20 pounds left for next week after paying his bills and all his debts. I turned it round by saying he has paid all his debts off this week, owes no one anything and he has 20 pounds left and how lucky he was. Taking one day at a time.9 August 2013 at 11:24 am #1564
So lovely to read your update and I am very glad to hear that your scan was clear.
Your whole post comes over with such notes of wisdom, learning through experience and making the most of the ‘now’. It is very uplifting.
Wishing you well as ever, Monique9 August 2013 at 11:47 am #1565
That is terrific. I missed you in the group and hoped all was well – it is great to hear it confirmed.
A week’s trial sounds good – your new found confidence will shine though and how dare any employer argue with that!
Your son thought you were doing well with 34p and now he has £20 – he must feel on top of the world – nearly 6 ***** more than he thought you could live on – yes I did have to use a calculator!
That is a terrific post San – it has set me up for the day. Well done.
One day at a time indeed
24 September 2013 at 9:10 pm #1566
Not sure how this forum works yet. My last thread doesn’t seem to be on here but nevermind. Well, just had a phone call from my son asking for money, no surprise there then. I foolishly told him I was getting paid this week, my first paypacket for 10 months following my illness, and before I even set eyes on it, the phone call. I feel disgusted, angry and resigned to the fact he has a long way to go still. Sometimes I see it so clearly, other times, the little boy lost who has a lot of growing up to do and I’m the mother who is suppose to love him no matter what. Oh well tomorrow is another day, taking one day at a time. Love to you all x25 September 2013 at 5:45 pm #1567madge456Participant
Sorry you have to deal with all this..It must be very difficult to deal with a CG son and your illness. You must be very strong. Stay strong and take care of yourself – Your son will manage – you need to be there for you. Sending love and positive thoughts
Madge25 September 2013 at 6:01 pm #1568
I have not yet got to ‘know’ the new website, but hopefully we will all soon feel at ease with it!
I think I have felt those kinds of mixed feelings you describe – your son will always, at some level, be your ‘little boy lost’ and, of course, you will always be his loving mother. But sometimes the decisions we have to make and actions that are necessary are much more complex – they require a lot of thought and insight into the ‘full story’. You are clear that you do not want to enable your son to continue gambling and that you need to protect your own health – emotional, physical, mental and financial. Holding on to that will not make decisions easy, but can guide us.
I wish you well.
Monique26 September 2013 at 7:35 am #1569
Thanks Monique, I feel calmer today. The ‘full story’ is certainly very complex and I believe I can ‘see’ the reasons behind his gambling and manipulation and bad behaviour. Letting go is the hardest part but I turned it around and see it as a form of control. I am not in control of anyone else’s life, just my own. My children are adult children now and responsible for their own lives and mistakes. When so much time has been allocated to them, when they don’t need you any more, suddenly you’ve got all this time to fill! I have a new job which takes up four days a week now and I am feeling so tired, so energy is at a low at the moment. It’s recognising when I feel low, he must sense it! and in comes the requests for money. If I don’t feel strong I sometimes give in. I have another top up of one of my chemotherapy ***** soon so maybe my energy levels will come up :). Hope you are okay too. Take care San x
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