Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 169 total)
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  • #1570
    monique
    Participant

    I’m glad you are feeling calmer today – I hope that lasts. I think we often ‘regress’ at the moment of ‘challenge’ or ‘shock’ and it is easy to be temporarily thrown off course, but the ability to re-think , as you have shown, is of great help in these situations and ‘bad moments’.

    Again, I really identify with those feelings about ‘control’ and ‘letting go’ with our grown-up children!

    Your job seems to need a lot of your strength right now, so probably you just have to concentrate on feeling able to get on with that and looking after yourself.

    I hope the chemotherapy is not too difficult for you.

    Best wishes,

    Monique

    #1571
    adele
    Participant

    Dear San,

    You have been through so much. I can only imagine the gamut of emotions you are experiencing as you await news.

    As bad as things sound like they were for him today, I believe he has been in similar dire situations before, and he has always been resourceful and managed to get by somehow.

    Whether this was another desperate attempt to manipulate or a serious effort to end his pain, he made the choice to do what he did. I’m sure you realize it is still his addiction to deal with and there still is nothing you can do to force him to change.
    It is possible that he resorted to this tactic in order to ‘surrender’ himself to institutional care. Who could ever really know given the depths of deception this addiction is capable of?

    I hope for your sake (and his of course), whatever his intent, that this serves as the beginning of his recovery.
    And I sincerely hope you have someone to lean on during this time. You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

    Adele

    ***San – I’m sorry some of your posts from the 15th didn’t make it over to the new site. This is what I posted to you that night… and then the site when down. I was so relieved that your son was OK once the site came back up***

    #1572
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear San

    I have read Adele’s reply to you and I am in the dark about your posts from the 15th that didn’t make it in the transfer. It it appears that the worry you had, might have been sorted but please write about it again if you still have concerns.

    I was pleased to see that you said ‘we’ got a phone call which tells me you are sharing and not dealing with this on your own.

    Anger and disgust are understandable and I think every one on this site feels the same about the addiction regardless of which forum they are in. Sadly your son may be a fair way off from sorting himself out and I know how stretched those loving feelings can get. We shy away in the real world from saying the unmentionable that is screaming around in our head but I know that being a loving mother is not always the feeling being enjoyed. You can love your son and even be afraid that you might not but you definitely do not love his addiction. I know that sometimes it is impossible to see the difference but as I have said before there will never be (and could never be) any judgement here.

    If you think you figure in the reasons for your son’s poor behaviour and his gambling then, in my opinion, it would good to talk about it.

    I don’t think your son would have recognised that you were low; it probably just felt like he did because you were feeling down. Write your positive headlines when you are strong and then bank them for when you are not on top, they will help you cope.

    Example of what not to say: ‘I am getting paid’.

    Example of what to say: ‘I don’t have any money to spare’.

    Unfortunately one of the blips on the site at the moment is the use of asterisks in the wrong place and I don’t know the word you have used in your post following ‘chemotherapy’ but you have said it will increase your energy levels so hopefully that will make you more positive about the way you feel.

    I am having a bit of catching up to do but hopefully I will be on top soon. I can see that you are coping with your replies and I think the new forum will be great once we stop hankering for the familiar old format. The support and care is still the same regardless.

    Are you enjoying the new job?

    Speak soon

    V

    #1573
    san250
    Participant

    Hope you had a great holiday. To cut a very long story short, my son went to my daughter’s for a week, she threw him out then called the police on him, because he said he was going to throw himself off a bridge. They took him to hospital where he was seen by a doctor who deemed him not ‘unwell’ enough to stay. My daughter went back to her flat, my son went back to throw himself off a bridge. He didn’t he slept in a bush. My father stepped in and took him in for a week, then bailed him out and he’s now in a room somewhere. He was very positive about it all, he’s been there five days, hates it, says he is depressed and is going further and further down. I am getting angrier and angrier. I’m trying hard to keep it together without blowing my top. I am sick of this. That’s about it. lol
    Will try to get to a group soon but working hard and feel very tired. Go for some more of my drugs to keep me going soon, it can’t come soon enough to give me some energy. Take care San x

    #1574
    san250
    Participant

    Hi Velvet
    Permalink Submitted by san250 on Sat, 09/28/2013 – 18:58
    Hope you had a great holiday. To cut a very long story short, my son went to my daughter’s for a week, she threw him out then called the police on him, because he said he was going to throw himself off a bridge. They took him to hospital where he was seen by a doctor who deemed him not ‘unwell’ enough to stay. My daughter went back to her flat, my son went back to throw himself off a bridge. He didn’t he slept in a bush. My father stepped in and took him in for a week, then bailed him out and he’s now in a room somewhere. He was very positive about it all, he’s been there five days, hates it, says he is depressed and is going further and further down. I am getting angrier and angrier. I’m trying hard to keep it together without blowing my top. I am sick of this. That’s about it. lol

    Will try to get to a group soon but working hard and feel very tired. Go for some more of my drugs to keep me going soon, it can’t come soon enough to give me some energy. Take care San x

    #1575
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi San

    The drama of the addiction – how scary it can be. Many of us have heard such threats and been afraid, which is what the addiction determined we should be. No matter how many t imes we hear such threats they will always frighten us.

    I really, really do understand when you say you are sick of it – unfortunately mothers can seldom walk away or even separate themselves, unscathed.

    You are doing well though and I hope you can keep control of that lid. It would be good if you could let of some steam and I hope you can do it with somebody who will help you mop up the condensation when you have done so. Make sure there are many times in the day when you do not allow your thoughts to go to this addiction – deprive it of the air it sucks out of you.

    The addiction will take you all the way to the bottom if you allow it and you will help nobody if this happens. You are important, never forget that. Your health and happiness are the greatest protection from the addiction and also the greatest support to the CG struggling with the addiction.

    I hope to see you in a group soon and I hope you soon get the pick-me-up you need.

    V

    #1576
    san250
    Participant

    I wish the advice lines were open when I needed them. Feeling very weak, manipulated, unsure what to do and there’s no one to talk to. The days of being ignorant of the addiction are over, but in someways those days were easier. I hope some cg read what effect your gambling has on your other halves, parents and family. Fed up.

    #1577
    adele
    Participant

    San –

    I don’t know what you are going through right now specifically, but I would imagine whatever it is, you have been through it before and it fits somewhere in that F&F Cycle we are all so familiar with.

    I assume you are once again being emotionally abused and your health is going to suffer because of it. San, I know how awful it is to feel weak and manipulated, and I hope you are able to chat with someone soon.

    In the meantime let me just remind you it is OK to reject your son’s addiction – it doesn’t mean you are rejecting him. In fact, to love him is to stand against his addiction!

    San, you must take care of yourself. you will be no good to anyone if you let this addiction take you down. Do you keep that list of “answers” handy? Or that list of positive thoughts?

    You know enough to realize that as long as your son has enablement, he may not be able to make the decision to stop gambling. And until he makes that decision you have the right to say no. If you are fed up, turn off your phone for awhile … get a new number … move … wear a disguise … whatever it takes to allow you some peace to take care of yourself.

    Let us know how you’re doing and know you are being thought of and wished well.

    Adele

    #1578
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear San

    Talk to me. I hope to see you in the group tomorrow night but in the meantime please tell me how you are being manipulated and made to feel weak.

    I know what you mean about the days of ignorance being better but they were not really because they were a slow build up to feeling as you do now.

    Thinking about you

    V

    #1579
    san250
    Participant

    I’ve clicked on my horoscope today … don’t do it very often and this sums it up …’ You may be playing nursemaid again, and this time you may be bandaging heart, spirit or soul as well as body and mind. Someone you care about is struggling with a religious or spiritual crisis and is reaching out to you for help you don’t feel qualified to give.’

    I feel upset, angry, very disappointed and a bit of a failure for not being strong. I see my son heading for a criminal life and homeless. He’s not looking after himself, was pulled in at work for ‘not looking right’. He’s got mixed up in payday loans which are crippling him, so he’s not eaten for days is stressed to the hilt. I did send him some last night (i didn’t want to), so he could eat something. Of course I don’t know if he did, he told me he did. Being in another country I have no idea what the ‘real’ story is.

    Within 20 minutes of dealing with him, my daughter tells me she had a mental breakdown in the middle of town yesterday too and was told to ‘calm down’ by two policemen.

    On top of this I mistakenly called my ex mother-in-law about my ex, BIG MISTAKE, she accused me of abandoning my children and her words have been ringing in my ears all week. I don’t need her to make me feel guilty, I’m very good at that myself!! Of course, her precious son could do no wrong!! Arghh she will never accept the bullying of myself and my children by him. What a vicious circle.

    So I feel very mixed up, energy low (back to hospital next week :)) and vulnerable.

    Onwards and upwards.

    #1580
    monique
    Participant

    Dear San
    I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. I do really feel for you and recognize those feelings you describe about your grown up children and your sense of responsibility and even guilt.

    But please remind yourself that you made the best choices you could at each stage of your life, in very difficult circumstances when you were not being well-treated or supported. Guilt today cannot help you or your loved ones. Can you ask yourself what you can realistically offer to your children today? – how would you respond to another mother in your situation? how would you advise her? (I put it like that because we are often kinder to another person than we are to ourselves.) There may be nothing you can do – if so, send them your loving wishes and ‘prayers’ (whatever that means to you) that they will get the right help from another source. Then try to treat yourself with compassion and kindness.

    I would also share that I did not believe that my son could ‘survive’ at times in the past – it felt to me that he was not like these other gamblers, who were ‘worldly wise’ and tough and could ‘make out’ somehow; he was vulnerable and lost because of his ‘gentler’ life experience and because of his other health needs – in my opinion. BUT, when I ‘let him go’ (not a one-off event, but an ongoing change in my thinking), I found that even my son had his own resources and ways of getting by. This may well be so for your son, too – although, I know he has really gone to the edge recently.
    Please take courage and do not despair.

    With my very best wishes,

    Monique

    #1581
    san250
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for your support, as always gratefully received. Yesterday, my 4 year old charge, played up. He was having an off day and being a typical 4 year old who didn’t like to be told ‘No’. He wanted to play ‘fighting’ and my old battered body won’t tolerate it, so firm ‘No’s were the order of the day. I wanted to go a certain way home, he didn’t. I wanted to go to meet his mother from the train, he wanted to stay and watch television. What stuck me was the similarity of dealing with my cg, the persistentness in trying to persuade me to change my mind, the childish ways. Moreover it was MY reaction to him to, I started off strong, determined to stand my ground but I relented. Why did I relent? quiet life? felt sorry for them? I don’t really know, but I know I have work to do on myself, not to be ‘walked over’. Obviously in the case of my charge, I am dealing with a 4 year old and the first call is his parents. But even at this age I can see unleft this child is going to have problems in life, if he carries on.

    Hoping today will be better. Wishing you all some peace and the strength to carry on. Take care. San xx

    #1582
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear San

    Why we give in when faced with determination by another to make us do something that we feel/know is unacceptable is an interesting question?

    I have a Labrador who suffers with poor hips and shoulders and at the moment is limping on a front leg. I know that if I throw a ball she will hurt more but she looks at me with eyes that would melt the coldest heart and pleads ‘just one throw – please’. I don’t throw her ball because it would cause her pain but I compromise and throw a soft toy in the hope she doesn’t leap and chase it when it bounces off her nose. Of course it develops to one more throw and then another until her limp is more pronounced. I have become her enabler and I am not doing the right thing for her.

    I think the answer to your question is that we ‘hope’ that by giving in a bit we will make the other person’s life better but as can be seen with your small boy and my Labrador it doesn’t always follow.

    Many people say they give in for a ‘quiet life’ but surely we all hope for a quiet life. Not so I think. People, dogs have agendas that are not deliberately cultivated, hence the insecure seek to dominate the secure, the young flex their muscles testing their strengths against the experienced and the CG seeks to dominate the non-CG for enablement. The secure, the experienced and the non-CG, I believe, make allowances hoping that by doing so those they love/care about/ meet in life will ‘learn’. I believe that there has to be a balance and it is reached by an individual being happily in control of their own life and able therefore to make the right judgement on a situation for the right reason without giving in to the unacceptable. Your young charge’s demands were not the best but they were also not unacceptable and he will not suffer. You will be ready for him next time having given thought to his behaviour and your reaction.

    I was sorry you didn’t make the group last night but I am pleased to see you thinking positively in the cold light of day. Examining your reaction when the stakes are not as high, as they are with your son will, I believe, give you strength. You were not being officious – you knew your body wasn’t up to a fighting game with a 4 year old (I really relate to that) and you knew it was better for him to meet his mother off the train, than to watch television. You have experience and knowledge that he lacks but you weighed up the confrontation against that which you thought would please him. You also know from you own experience that always being told ‘no’ is not a lot of fun.

    I love the questioning San

    I hope today will bring you the peace and strength you need. Thank you for rattling my little grey cells.

    V

    #1583
    madge456
    Participant

    Hi San
    Thanks for your comments on my thread. I wanted to say I understand what you are talking about about being an enabler. I had never thought about myself as one – more like a “relent-er” Something would happen and after a few moments I would give in, or relent…it is hard not to …you feel compassion and at some point their mixed up thinking becomes persuasive and you start to think “am I the one that is crazy?” or “maybe this is ok to do X”…I understand…. and I understand how hard it to to stand your ground when you are not even sure if the ground you are on is where you should be standing (I hope that makes sense..). I agree with Monique who I think said take the advice you would offer another in your situation – usually it is so much clearer then – be strong for yourself- I am thinking of you and wanted you to know I understand..
    XX
    M

    #1584
    san250
    Participant

    Thanks V and Madge for you comments. It’s good to know someone else somewhere understands. My cg gets paid on a friday and so yesterday came and no reply to my text. It went very quiet and here the cycle continues. He’s gone off to the bookies this happens when it goes silent. I know this is what happening so I’m okay. Next I get the message ‘I’m so depressed and I have no money.’ I have no sympathy, I will not send any money. This part of the cycle I understand, he had money, he gambled it. I can deal with this part of the cycle because I can understand what is going on. It’s when I’m not strong I cave in. I feel I can only tell him again there is help out there and he has to seek it himself. I want a quiet weekend this week, I am fed up of having to ‘deal’ with him every weekend. Apologies if this is a garbled message, for me writing it down here gives me strength to clear my head and try and work a way through it.

    V – it was too late for me to join the group on Thursday, i’m an hour ahead and was so tired.

    So I’m off to think of ways to enjoy MY weekend with my partner and friends. Have a good one. San xx

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