27 October 2013 at 5:12 am #1600
Well the beast is certainly awake and throwing all it’s got at me. My partner got upset with the whole ‘situation’ yesterday and I walked out. Within the space of two minutes I had my cg blackmailing me for money (telling me he had just come out of hospital and SEND THE MONEY NOW), my daughter saying if you only talk to me to find out about cg, don’t bother (she works at the hospital and I asked if she could check out his story, when she said No, I left it) and my partner saying I had ruined his Saturday afternoon. Hmmm, think I need some space, so I walked out left my phone behind and went to the lake for four hours, walked miles and cleared my head.
Came back to my partner asleep on the sofa, so I watched some TV then went to bed, to be woken at midnight to say my partner was being harrassed by my cg, to talk to me. I carried on sleeping. I can’t believe a word my cg says anymore.
I’ve made a decision to go and see my doctor on Monday morning and get an appointment. I don’t know the procedures here for therapy help but I need to talk to someone face to face. I have such alot going on in my brain on top of my blackmailing cg and I can’t cope anymore. I don’t have an female friends to have a chat with and my french is very basic, I would not be able to communicate effectively. So that was day 5, another Saturday ruined by this addiction.
Day 6 has started with the clocks going back an hour, so I am up at silly o’clock and there’s a storm raging outside (thunder and lightning) and I need a coffee.
Hope everyone else is having a great time. Take Care San x27 October 2013 at 12:18 pm #1601
Certainly not the best Saturday for you – so I hope this female cyber friend will help a bit.
Siblings do not always cope well. They have a conflict of interest. The can think they understand their siblings better than the parent. In reality they often do not ever understand what is going on and why their parent appears absent in thought to them. If the parent takes their eye off the ball, the sibling can feel rejected, unloved, used and angry – they can resent the CG more and be less and less willing to understand. You can be lured into a false sense of security believing their shoulders are big enough but they are not and I don’t think it is their fault.
Do you have a brother or sister?
You know I can’t tell you what to do but based on experience it might be better not to mention the CG to the sibling unless the sibling raises the subject or appears to be being manipulated. I can/will say a lot more about this in a group.
Marriages/partnerships struggle with the addiction of a child and the addicted child will be completely unaware. The addiction is divisive and rips people apart. I would imagine you tried to talk to your partner about all the stuff that was whirling round in your head and he had, had a belly-full.
I have found that in most cases there is one person in a family who takes the brunt of the addiction, not just from the CG but from all those around. I don’t mean this as literally as it sounds but provided one person in ‘dealing’ with the mess the others sit back a bit and let them get on with it. When the person the addiction is targeting seeks a shoulder to cry on the support melts away and other hidden feelings come into play. They want ‘their’ lives to be free of addiction. I think that many husbands/partners/siblins can feel they have let their wife/partner/siblings down because they cannot protect them and instead of giving the necessary support there can be angry words and blame. More blame on top of the blame already being heaped up by the CG leads to cracking point. That is why I think it would help if you could get some therapy – you need to talk to someone who can listen and support without judgement or blame.
I can’t remember if you have a Gamanon or not – my vague memory says you don’t have one. That was my refuge.
The tough message, I believe, is that your partner and your daughter want you free of this worry. They are suffering in their own way that they cannot have you as they want you. You said you cleared your head by the lake – did this happen in fact because if it did – use it as a place of safety but tell your partner where you are going. Don’t cut him out and leave him more worried because in his own way his worries are probably different but equal.
I have pulled a ligament in my foot and as such I am unable to leap about much today. I will watch the screen at intervals and be here for you.
I want to say to you that it would be terrific if you could determine that this Saturday is the last one that will be ruined by the addiction. Your son is harassing your partner, I believe, through facebook. I don’t understand facebook but can he close down your son’s ability to harass him. Maybe he could say ‘if you want to talk about anything other then money or threats this line of communication stays open – if not I will close it down’. He will have to do it if the threats and manipulation don’t stop.
Your partner is important to ‘your’ health San. I know how far this addiction can push us to lose that which is precious to us – perhaps you could let him know that you don’t ‘need’ him to be in the line of fire.
Talk to me until you can find a physical person to talk to. I am going to get a coffee but I will check back soon.
V27 October 2013 at 3:31 pm #1602
I do understand about the sibling thing and I make a concerted effort not to discuss her brothers with my daughter. It was only because she worked at the hospital that I broached the subject. I also understand that she has lived with the addiction first hand and is more than aware what it entails.
I had a sister, she committed suicide at 23 when I was pregnant with my cg, who is about to turn 23. I don’t have any other siblings. I remember my mother telling people about my sister when she died, things that had happened in her life. And I would think, that wasn’t her, that happened to me! I felt rejected, unloved etc.
I am positive my partner and daughter have had enough and I agree that in most families someone bares the brunt of things and while someone is doing that the pressure is off the others. Well I am not as strong as I usedto be and I am at cracking point. I have other things going on in my life and I do not have the energy to deal with everything on my own. I will make an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow, luckily his office is opposite the physiotherapist I’m seeing every other day at the moment. I go back to work tomorrow too and french lessons in the evening. I think its going to be a busy day. Thanks for caring Velvet, Adele and Monique. Take care x27 October 2013 at 4:18 pm #1603
It’s good to have another view and to try to understand the urges to gamble and get money. It’s good to understand the relentlessness is part of the addiction.
Unfortunately, I am in another country to my cg and have been ill, so haven’t been well enough to travel there or have any money to go there. It takes a lot of organisation to get my cg here too, as there is no where for him to stay. Having said that I am trying to arrange a visit in a few weeks time, to surprise him for his birthday. But there are so many things that need to be put in place before that can happen. I feel the need to see him face to face as its nearly a year since I saw him and the last time he saw me, I was really really ill and undergoing heavy chemo. On top of everything else I know my illness has effected him and he has had little if any support from anyone regarding it. Life is complicated.
Thank you for giving me a different insight Vera x27 October 2013 at 4:37 pm #1604moniqueParticipant
I saw your earlier post as I was about to go out this morning and couldn’t answer immediately – now I am back and am glad to see that you have had some replies. I hope this helps you feel connected with real care and support, even if it is from ‘cyber friends’.
I agree that you have – and have had – a huge amount to cope with and some good therapy would be advisable. I hope you get some joy from seeing your doctor. I don’t know what the ‘system’ is over in your country. Here in the UK, GPs are not always able to refer with any speed or affordability – there are many well-qualified and willing counsellors and psychotherapists, but they have to work privately, as they can’t easily get employment in the health system. So people often have to look elsewhere or face a very long wait. I am aware I could sound negative here, but I am trying to offer something positive and realistic. I don’t know what your budget is if you find you have to pay for therapy, but it is always worth asking if a therapist has a ‘sliding scale’ of fees or will come to some suitable arrangement, for example, through a block advanced booking for an agreed number of sessions.
The BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) can help with choosing a therapist here and I think also internationally, through their website. Perhaps also the UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy). Some therapists now do online work, too – this is of course not ‘face to face’, but you book your time in the same way and write and reply in ‘real time’ and one to one. If you have difficulty finding someone locally, I am wondering if this would be a good alternative. I recently met someone offering this sort of work.
That is very sad about your sister and your own experiences after her death. I am sure it would be useful to be able to have a space to work through those painful feelings you describe, especially as you now see sibling problems in the next generation and hear self-destructive things from your young son. Things that feel particularly painful for us in the here and now can often be so, because they have a sense of ‘repetition’ about them – it is like an old wound being re-opened.
I hope you find the help you need. You have determination within, even though you struggle, and this will serve you well.
Always wishing you well.
Monique27 October 2013 at 5:25 pm #1605
Thanks Monique. I will find out soon how the system for therapy works here. I have health insurance here so maybe that can pay for it, i’m not sure. It’s all new territory here for me. I’ve had NSH counselling and also private, so I am well aware of what to expect. I’ve also had online counselling through skype – which was the best and if I ever have enough money to do it again I will! However, this was when I was married and needed it and he paid for it with much reluctance.
I’ve seen the brilliant MacMillan Cancer Support offer therapy too, so maybe my equivalent here might be able to offer me something too. I have lots of options to find out about, but I will, don’t you worry.
I’ve been speaking via the internet with my son this afternoon. Treading very carefully and trying not to get hooked in. I’ve agreed to send him online kebab, so he can’t gamble with that, unless he sells it. He tells me right now he doesn’t want to know. I think the beating he has had has shook him up but I am not naive to think this will last long. I can only hope. Signing off for tonight. Take care everyone xx27 October 2013 at 8:42 pm #1606
I am glad you are putting plans into action to protect your health.
I wasn’t trying to teach my granny to suck eggs when I talked about siblings etc., I hoped to let you know that I understood and I only understood because I had stood where you are standing now.
Our stories are different but you, Monique, Vera and I are all mothers and in that we have an innate understanding of each other, I think.
I hope that with your replies you feel stronger. I liked your line about getting therapy ‘I have lots of options to find out about, but I will, don’t you worry’.
Is your son saying he has been beaten up? Unfortunately even a beating does not necessarily stop the addictive drive. I am glad you are saying you are not naïve to think the shaking up will last long. I think when you think ‘this’ will wake my CG and it doesn’t it is another kick in the teeth – it is better, in my opinion, to take each day as it comes without expecting any change but of course to never give up hope.
Your last post does seem a little more positive. I am fascinated by an online kebab and pleased you are feeding your son, not his addiction.
V29 October 2013 at 5:22 pm #1607adeleParticipant
I’ve been busy with company and other things, but I at least read on the site every day, and just wanted to pop in and let you know I’m thinking about you and hoping to see another Un-enabling post from you soon.
Those of us who are Mothers do understand in a way those who aren’t Mothers never could. But no one that loves a cg is going to judge you for decisions you make (right or wrong) out of love for your son.
Sometimes I think it is just too difficult to make the “right” decision – our hearts can’t take it. And sometimes, life’s complications make it too difficult to know what the “right” decision is.
For me it took lots of practice to remove “too difficult” from my thinking so I could make the “right” decision (for me) time and time again. While it has never been easy to do, it did get easier to do because I try to make decisions with my head instead of my heart – as a practice rather than in reaction. And then I look for affirmation and support here. Does that make sense? (lol)
Obviously I cannot know that I would do the same if my cg was my precious step-daughter (whom I love as my own) instead of my husband, but I’d like to think I could eventually.
I DO think I can say with near certainty that, if she were to become a cg now -having personally seen how refusing enablement has allowed my husband to begin to turn his life around (long way to go but definitely making progress) – I would be tough as nails with her. But I would also need therapy and a tremendous amount of support to deal with my emotions and guilt.
Anyway, I’m rambling and writing as I think …
I hope you are doing well, emotionally and physically.
Adele29 October 2013 at 9:01 pm #1608
Thank you.29 October 2013 at 10:15 pm #1609twilight16Participant
After reading your recent updates about your son, I was taken back to my sickly, painstaking experiences with my father just little over a year ago when I lived in fear and worry for his safety. I was at the point where I was on the edge of worry feeling in my gut that more bad things were on its way. In the end he was slipping at an alarming rate, homelessness, jail, people searching for him wanting to be paid back, that I had moments when I was on the brink of helping him more than I should.
However, there was a part of me that had a hard time doing so because I knew the addiction well. I knew it was counting on me to give in. SO the only way I saw that I could be there for him was to really separate the addiction from him. I would not give him money as this is like giving drugs to an addict and I would not give him what he gambled away. He was homeless because he would gamble his rent money, so I always kept this in mind when he would call wanting a place to stay.
So all I could do is love him because he is my father and I still do to this day. I would see him in his tough times when possible and I would let him know that I loved him, but I would not give in to favors and I explained why. I was there to help, but not financially. I would try to reason with him about his gambling addiction, but he wouldn’t hear it, even at his lowest point.
It is extremely difficult to love a compulsive gambler in denial but it is possible. You can still love them, yet you can always still stand your ground against the addiction. It’s a tug of war, sort of thing, but it can be done. Loving your son is what your heart wants, and what you should do but think twice about bailing him out. He will manage as they all do. Even at my father’s lowest moments, he still lived and unfortunately still gambled. We often think the worst when they are really fine.
Twilight30 October 2013 at 7:55 am #1610
the support from all the people on this site has been overwhelming. So a big thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I have an appointment made with my Doctor next week (thank goodness he speaks English!). I have also booked the flights to go back to the UK for a couple of days. So I will get to see my cg on his birthday. I haven’t seen him since last December and that was when I was on morphine with no hair, three stones lighter and certainly at my worse. I think it will be good for him to see me looking well with a big mop of curly hair and more ‘with it’. I will get to see where he is living and to ‘see’ him. I can’t wait :). We will also get the chance to talk face to face.
I am amazed at his ability to walk out of one job and the next day into another (maybe he should be an advisor for the unemployed!). With the help of a new friend he says he has self excluded himself from the nearest betting office and says he is fed up of getting nothing for his money and wants to concentrate on ‘receiving something for his money’. I know this is a long road and lots of ‘stuff’ has to be worked through. I will concentrate on helping myself so I can be strong against the addiction. I do not want to go through another weekend like the last one.
Take care everyone.
San x30 October 2013 at 12:55 pm #1611ellParticipant
hello san … im ell and my hb is a cg . I want to tell you how mush i admire all your power , you are somothing else my dear . I want you to know that you are on my prayers and im happy that you will see face to face your son . You are a very strong woman and very powerfull. It is an honor for me to know you . I wish you all my best wishes for your health and for your family . Take care your self san .
with all my love ell30 October 2013 at 12:56 pm #1612veraParticipant
I have to smile when you describe your son, San! He could be mine by the description!. “Seeing the light” every now and then! “Turning over new leaves”. Walking in and out of jobs as if he is the Managing Director. He has the charm to get the job but after about 3 weeks when that charm wears off, I think it’s more likely he may not exactly “walk out”- ( more likely gets the boot! I used to worry sick over all that carry on , but worry made no difference. I gambled to escape the worry. That made A HUGE (negative difference to ME!)…
Good to hear you will see him soon. Sounds as if you are well enough to travel so thank God for the improvement in your health. I would advice you to have some clear boundaries in place before you meet up. I’ve had so many “meetings” with my son that started off well but ended in chaos. Be prepared! Maybe set the ground rules together and in that way he will have to stick to his own terms and conditions and not blame you if things go belly up.
My son’s birthday is next month too. I have been let down so often with birthday plans that I just do the bare minimum now to protect myself from running to the casino as a result of a “no show!”!
Take care of your health. You don’t want any set backs an You seem to be doing well!4 November 2013 at 7:12 am #1613
I had a much better weekend woooo. I explained to my cg I didn’t want a repeat of the last four weekends and would be turning off my phone for a large part of it. I went out with my partner and as it’s my birthday tomorrow and saturday was the one year anniversary of my first chemotherapy, we had much to celebrate. A friend made a birthday meal for us and then we went to the pub to enjoy the music there. After my partner and I crashed out on the sofa’s at his house for the night and staggered back in the morning!! Yesterday was a catch up of sleep!! So basically a weekend doing what I wanted (for a change) and little contact with my cg. He seems excited (as does my daughter) that I will see him next week. As it is a flying visit I will make sure the boundaries are set in place before I go. We are also making plans to be together at Christmas … the first time I will have spent the holidays with my children for four years. So things are looking up but I am not naive to understand the beast is still there in the corner waiting. Thankyou to everyone who offered me support during my turbulent time recently. Keep smiling everyone. San xx4 November 2013 at 11:00 am #1614
What a great post to read on a Monday morning and it all came down to your positivity that you were not going to let the addiction to gamble ruin your weekend.
I am glad your son is excited about seeing you – he could have wanted to hide. A flying visit sounds just the ticket – that in itself is a boundary.
I am pleased to read that you are so aware that the beast will still be in the corner of the room – it doesn’t sleep for Christmas or any other family occasion that should be joyous. I think when we are complacent it can leap out and bite us especially when there are others present who are affected by it too. I think it is a time when it is important to accept the only person you can change and control is ‘you’.
Today is what matters and today you are smiling and that is wonderful.
I hope that tomorrow is a wonderful day for you – you deserve a truly happy birthday. I will not expect to see you in the group but I will be thinking about you.
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