22 December 2013 at 10:20 pm #1630
Hi Sam – have you started a thread of your own? It would be good to get to know more of your story, if you want to share it, so that more people can respond and support you.
With my very best wishes,
Monique23 December 2013 at 11:49 am #1631jenny46Participant
I think the whole concept of enablement is huge, where does it start where does it end. It is interesting that many of us have had the same stunts thrown in our direction and fell for them time and time again, we worried for what turns out to be false reasons, I know I have had the police out twice when I worried that my partner was suicidal even though I knew it was a ploy deep down.
I remember San being estranged from my partner for a few months and worrying about starvation etc only to find that when I actually saw him he was actually quite fat. Unsurprisingly he had been living with another woman/enabler again, my worries were unfounded. My worries were generated by him San and my insight into the life that I though he was living they were not actually reality.
I have to say though, as sad as it may have made you feel the toilet paper incident gave me a giggle. ‘Let he with smarting arse consider the benefits of his gambling !’ Don’t believe a word of it. The more discomfort he creates for himself, the nearer the time comes when he may just want to choose a better way of living.
Unfortunately I believe that in all the elaborate lies the focus is only one thing. The next gamble is the only thought. The money is the tool and how it is gained is pretty much irrelevant. You and the pain you feel, the dilemmas you face, the trouble that’s caused does not figure in the equation. At that moment in time nothing else matters (or so i’ve been told)
Who knows why a CG gambles, the concept of escapism springs to mind and by the sheer nature of the word used in the wrong place or the right place along with many other words can have a habit of dumping responsibilty. It may be a coping mechanism that he has learnt along the way, it may be all sorts of things but it does not take away the choice that he has to gamble or not. It does not take away his choice to get help or not …………
It is good that you have thought about you in response to his visit if it does take place. I think the quietness with how you intend it to be will speak volumes to your son, you will be sending out a message that you are in control of you – tough for a hungry addiction to take. Actions speak a lot louder than words.
I hope your health is stable and your time with your son is peaceful. Keep your eye on those toilet rolls and find the time to enjoy yourself.
Jenny23 December 2013 at 2:26 pm #1632ellParticipant
I want to send you all my best wishes to you and your family . You are in my prayers san . Take care as much you can your health , and i hope your son to feel the click to try to see a life with no addiction.
You are a special woman san
with all my love ell25 December 2013 at 8:02 am #1633
Thankyou for my replies and best wishes. My cg is with me along with my other children. I’ve a busy day ahead, I don’t have a large fridge so the meat is outside behind the shutters waiting to come in … some advantages of living here! Much love to you all, Happy Christmas, Joyeux Noël. San x25 December 2013 at 10:33 am #1634
Thinking of you and your family today, San. Joy and Peace.
Monique26 December 2013 at 9:33 am #1635
Apparently, yesterday I inadvertently held a ‘mirror’ up to the beast which led to a massive gambling ‘stint’ on my computer right into front of me, without me knowing. So today, I am left feeling numb, realising my cg is nowhere near seeking help, has no intention of seeking help although he is not happy with his life. I have to let go and let him get on with it, whatever that may be. We all head back to the UK tomorrow and my children back to their lives and for me, a shopping spree and a welcome break to see my father. I’m feeling I’m done with all this. What’s the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink it. And you can’t put wise heads on young shoulders (or something like that!). Need to surround myself with positive people and let other’s get on with their lives in what ever way they want to go. I’m fed up with miserable people around me even family!
Onwards and upwards my cyber friends. Take Care San x26 December 2013 at 10:05 pm #1636velvetModerator
You survived Christmas and you are looking good. Ok so your CG’s visit did not go as well as you had hoped but here you are bouncing back and looking forward to a shopping spree – well done.
I’m positive San, positive that you have done well and not given into your son’s addiction, positive that you can put this incident behind you and get on with your life.
Who needs misery?
V27 December 2013 at 10:38 am #1637
You continue well with the kind of attitude that remains wise and protects you, no matter what is going on. As you say, you can take the horse to water …… I have that experience too. I hope you find some fun, peace and joy for yourself in the days and in the year to come. Best wishes, Monique18 January 2014 at 7:20 am #1638
Well since Christmas, my cg has gone all quiet. When I talk to him he is very calm and offering very little. I can only assume he has found another enabler, but as its not good to assume, I can only hope for the best as a mother does.
From my point of view since the big realisation he is not ready for ‘help’, I have let go ‘big time’. I have stopped pushing him in the direction of help. I have tried to get on with my own life, spent more quality time with my partner, gone back to work (and am not constantly checking my phone to see if my cg ‘needed’ me). I turn off my phone at night now to ensure a good night’s sleep. My cg has blocked me on the chat, I know he is on line because he has not blocked my partner :), strangely this is a good thing. We can both get on with our own lives without constant reminders of the addiction. A mother’s ‘concern’ over her son’s welfare and for a son the enabling lifeline readily available. Although what happened on Christmas Day was painful I think it served it’s purpose and I am enjoying the silence, filling the void with other things.
I have another scan in 10 days and am praying the ‘cancer beast’ inside me is still sleeping. Interestingly my son said he doesn’t not see the illness in me any more. I know it’s still there but it hopefully sleeps :). I won’t remind him I have a scan and will wait until I know the result. I realise he can not handle it.
So for now signing off, wishing everyone dealing with ‘active addiction’ cgs strength, love and eternal hope. This is a great place for support and advice. Take Care San xx18 January 2014 at 9:24 pm #1639worriedmamaParticipant
I too am the mother of a CG. Mine still lives at home and I too have started to turn phone off at night or even when I know he is in the middle of a binge. At first it was hard but I like you have learned to appreciate the peace and quiet. I also think it forces them to look elsewhere for their drama fix.
I will pray and keep my fingers crossed for your upcoming scan result .
Take Care of Yourself!!18 January 2014 at 11:30 pm #1640
San, as always it is good to hear from you. You write with such wisdom, which you gain from your experiences, happy ones and not so happy ones.
I hope all goes well for your scan and that the results will be as you would wish.
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Monique21 January 2014 at 7:47 pm #1641
Thank you for your reply, I found it fascinating. I really value it.
My son has good points, that show when the addiction is not in play. In him I see a ‘little boy’ very lost, low self esteem, a tortured soul. I see him playing at life, on a self destruct path, not knowing which way to turn. He does not have a focus, a point to get up in the morning. Now add into the mix the addiction and the lies and manipulation to get money. I don’t believe anybody likes to be lied to? And the lies can be very real. The suicide threats.
Don’t we all have our demons/vices? I would overeat when dealing with my ex husband and children. When I started my recovery and finally got away from him, I discovered why I was overeating and two reasons showed up:- cream cakes etc don’t shout at you, they became my friends, they felt good to eat but then the guilty kicked in. The other reason – if I was fat no man would show an interest in me and I wouldn’t have to deal with my ex-husband and his accusations and paranoia. I had no confidence to express how I felt at all. After recovery and alot of self work if I have ANYTHING on my mind now, I voice my opinion and work through any problems right there and then. This took 3 years of hard work to rid myself of old beliefs and replace them with good positive ones.
What did you mean by ‘Giving a wide berth to people who torment us works better?’ In what way do they torment you?
Good luck with your own recovery. Best wishes San
I like quotes and this one seemed fitting with this thread 🙂
‘Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions. — Unknown’22 January 2014 at 6:51 am #1642
I’ve learnt over the last few years that when people are not happy with their lot they turn to things outside of them to find the happiness that isn’t inside them, be it gambling, drink, drugs, food, sex, shopping, whatever it is that fills the void inside. I guess it takes a brave soul to face whatever it is that is making them unhappy. I can only say that when you break through that, the other side is a beautiful, peaceful place full of love. Toxic people have to go … be it so called friends and family.
The more I have worked on my own issues, the stronger I have become in dealing with such people. With the help of this site and the wonderful people who work here I have been able to arm myself with ways to be proactive with my cg. I am like you in that the times he ‘gets’ to me are when I am unwell, tired, underpar but I am learning new ways to deal with that too. I’ve had many conversations with him to try to understand what it is that is causing his unhappiness and recently we have made great strides in understanding each other’s point of view. But I think my constant ‘go and get help pleas’ were driving him to distraction and I now understand he is no where near ready to look inside of him for that peace. He is so scared to even take a peep at ‘the other side’ or inside the box. I will always be here for him when he is ready but just right now I have to let go. Someone once said to me that in order for people to grow they have to go through whatever it is on their own, even if YOU know the answers to their problems. So when I relate that to my cg I think ‘I’m letting you go so you can grow’. If I continue to always find answers for him, he is not living his life, I am living my life through him and that is not what I want. I guess also because I have faced with my own mortality, I more than ever want him to grow, in case I’m not around for him.
You say ‘He keeps harping back to the same issues and refuses to let go’. For me that would be the starting point. Maybe you could both get some sort of help, mediation perhaps, so you can quietly and rationally sit down and talk it through, without both or one of you getting angry about it? It sounds like he is maybe stuck at that point in his life?
When my ex husband’s domestic violence turned physical I know I got stuck for months at that point. I really was stuck and it took so much work to move me on. I was eventually diagnosed with PSTD. I always say ‘never, ever underestimate the effects of any type of abuse.’ I know my cg was subjected to my ex’s abuse too and I am sure some of that is why he is as he is. Put that along side my complete co-dependency at the time and it’s no wonder he has problems! I have apologised to all my children for my part in their childhood upbringing and have managed to be frank and honest with them. And listened to their side of the story too. I wasn’t a strong woman then, I was completely under the spell of my ex husband and didn’t know there was a different way to live! I feel stupid even typing that now but that is how it was at the time. I can happily say that what I have now is nothing like my marriage and I can walk with my head held up high now and no longer live in fear (a horrible place to be). Onwards and upwards … wishing you a ‘strong’ day.22 January 2014 at 11:16 am #1643
As ever, you write with great clarity and wisdom. I’m sure many others are inspired by your story as it evolves – I know I am anyway.
Best wishes again for ALL aspects of your life.
Monique22 January 2014 at 1:34 pm #1644AnonymousGuest
I am a CG !!
In the past I have weaved the most extraordinary web of lies and deceit; I found myself capable of constructing the most fantastical of tales to fuel my addiction.
I’m not making excuses for either myself or your son; I can’t really explain it, other than to say that obsession is an extremely powerful thing – it can consume you to the point where you are a living, breathing shadow of who you truly are.
You are doing completely the right thing – I hope that you can move forward and safeguard your son and yourself. If you ever doubt what you are doing, then don’t – there are people who took a very hard line with me; I found it exceptionally hard at the time but now I am enormously grateful beyond words – your son definitely WILL be the same one day.
Best wishes as Monique so eloqently put for ALL aspects of your life
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