19 August 2014 at 10:40 pm #1660
I feel such sadness for you – it is a terrible decision and one that will have caused you so much heartache and taken such tremendous courage. I hope you can feel your hand in mine and draw strength.
Of course the details are immaterial – I understand without hearing them.
Giving a second chance or a thousand chances is not embarrassing, you were fighting for your son – who wouldn’t want to believe that maybe, just maybe yours would be different?
I hope you can pop into a group soon there are things I would like to say in real time.
You have been and you are amazing San – keep your head up, live your life and enjoy the good things.
Even now it will not be easy, even now when you have made such a decision there will be times of doubt – but you have given him freedom to make better choices. Withdrawing his ability to use you is to refuse his addiction in your life – it is not removing your love or your hope.
Be strong San – your love for him shines through your posts – I will pray for both of you.
V20 August 2014 at 9:54 pm #1661
It is a hard place to be in, but you have built your strength and determination. Your son probably feels desperate, but maybe not yet desperate enough to turn the right way round in his life. We cannot do it for them, nor must we damage ourselves trying to do the impossible.
I wish you well and will keep hope alive for the recovery of your son. In the meantime, look after yourself and make the most of all you have.
Monique28 August 2014 at 1:19 am #1662daddaParticipant
Hi! I want to say hi, because I read through your posts (and responses) the last time I was here and I was brought to mind of a few things by reading what you had to say. And to be honest, at first I “couldn’t relate” or so I thought, until I got to the point where you mentioned (ex) MIL and I have to say, that (your story) has made me remember that I need to be careful, about how I handle comments about the problems we’re going through as a result of PG, but also how I “help” or encourage my daughters to work through some of what has been “visited” on them through no fault of their own, particularly as I am in no position to fix much. I also wanted to let you know I appreciated the link(s) and the Conscious Parenting, too. LOL I think that goes double for the marriage, at least for me!
But I did want to say “hi” and thanks and let you know that your words and struggle have helped me, too and I expect that will translate out at well. SO I am sending you a “hug” and a hope for “peace inside” and also, good reports in health. And this being the hardest part to figure out what to/how to or if I should say at all; I’ll try: I know sometimes we do the right thing or maybe the best thing and yet, we have no guarantee of the results. Sometimes I think the results might not be visible outside a person, especially just depending on when they happen. I know I have had to say “no more” to a person in past, so far I have not had to do that with a child (for other than a short length of time), only other relatives. But I know how painful it is if I try to imagine it or even just the short times that have happened as they are now adult. So my wish and hope and prayer for you is that you do KNOW, whether you see the results, that you made the right and best decision. But, I do hope that you do get to see the results, too.30 January 2015 at 7:12 pm #1663
I come to this site when things are tough and I need some ‘stay strong’ vibes. I am currently being bombared with demands for money and how my cg’s life is going to go to pot if I don’t send it. Oh and it’s all MY fault! I’m just replying ‘I don’t have it’.
My own health has had its twists and turns since I last spoke to someone here and this week my partner has been told he has cancer too. I can’t take much more.
Today, friday is pay day so all my cg’s money has gone and every friday he makes my life hell!! Well I’ve had enough.
Hope you are all okay.30 January 2015 at 11:18 pm #1664
Of course I am sending you ‘stay strong’ vibes, I send them to you even when you are not posting because you made such an impression on me. I so wish we could sit together – cyber space seem so inadequate at times.
You sound as though you are feeling dwarfed by the situations around you but I know you have an inner strength and will overcome. You know I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would be telling my CG ‘don’t talk to me about money because I have none to give – I will end this communication if you ask for money’ and then end it if he doesn’t stop. I can hear you have had enough and I believe I can hear rock bottom. ‘No’ is such a small word but I know how hard it is to say – don’t let his addiction take away any more of the happiness you have fought for, you deserve so much more than this and you know his addiction is NOT your fault. I imagine that you are speaking to your CG for him to be penetrating your barriers like this – you are hearing his addiction too loudly – can you get back to text messages only, giving you time to think and also the ability to switch off and delete unpleasant messages?
I am so very sorry to hear that you partner has cancer and I can only pray that it has been caught in time and he will stay strong. My hope for you is as always, that your illness has remained in remission and will continue to do so.
I hope that your other children are giving you joy.
I send my best wishes to you and your partner.
V31 January 2015 at 12:52 pm #1665
for you kind words and support. My head is all over the place at the moment. He’s started again pleading for money, says his girlfriend has walked out and its all my fault and is going to walk away for good. I’ve told him to stop emotionally blackmailing me. I wanted a peaceful, happy weekend with my partner before we get on the cancer rollercoaster with him. In one phone call and several txts that peace is shattered. I understand the addiction is talking and I know some cg’s get to understand what it does to their family and friends.31 January 2015 at 3:26 pm #1666madge456Participant
I know I haven’t posted in a while but I have been reading. I am sorry to hear you are still stuck in the guilt loop that we moms often find ourselves in. I can’t give advise either but wanted to say i understand the pull between helping our kids for good or “helping” our kids which really isn’t any long term help to them at all. I don’t think any of this is “your fault”. At some point adulthood requires that our kids take responsibility fir their own lives. And even though it is painful to see them struggle – I know, I have done it myself- it is what they need to grow on their own.
Do stay strong – for you and your partner- We all have limited internal resources and it sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your life first. Not an easy task, but I support you.
Sending love across the miles
Madge31 January 2015 at 6:09 pm #1667
I don’t think I would go into a discussion with him about ‘emotional blackmail’ – I am not sure he would even understand the phrase while he is like this. I suggest that his sole thought is to get money to feed his addiction and he is shooting his mouth off in any direction hoping for a reaction. Once he gets a reaction, any reaction, he is in like a thing possessed – it worked before and it could work again. He is trying to wear you down San and I’m afraid the only thing I can think of for you to do positively is to go back through all your posts and remind yourself of when you were in this position before and see how well you survived and then put more steel into your barriers.
You know that his blaming you for his girlfriend walking out is a load of old eyewash. Whether she walks away, or not, is entirely up to her. If he was thinking logically or reasonable he would never make such a ridiculous accusation.
I don’t think he ‘understands’ what he is doing. He is out of control and just sees a brick wall blocking his way that has to be dismantled brick by brick. It’s tough to see ourselves as obstacles but when the addiction is going full pelt I think it is best to be aware that it can ride over us and move on, without a second thought. As Madge so rightly says we do only have limited resources – look after yours.
Please keep posting
V31 January 2015 at 6:16 pm #1668
I hope if you are keeping a watchful eye on San’s thread you will pick this post up.
I haven’t brought your thread up because I am not sure it is what you want – it is on page 3 if you should decided to resurrect it.
It would be great to get an update. your words to San give little away about how you are.
Hoping to hear
Velvet31 January 2015 at 6:29 pm #1669
Thank you for your kind words, I hear you. xx
Velvet … we shouted at each other, had time to calm down, cried and then I cleared my head. I text him and said I couldn’t do this anymore and do not want to talk about money with him. If he brings it up I will stop the communication. He can always ring me if he wants to talk about anything else. He said, Okay and told me to keep safe and hoped I felt better soon.
I feel I’ve set a boundary and will stick to it if he starts again. It’s all gone quiet for now and my head is quiet again. xx31 January 2015 at 6:34 pm #1670
It is good to hear from you, although I am sorry you are having so many difficulties just now.
You have had some good posts already, of course. I just want to add that I, too, will be thinking of you and wishing you all the strength and clarity of mind that you need to get you back to a stronger and more peaceful way of being.
It is like the proverbial stuck record, but I can only recommend again that you really do look after yourself and your partner and try to separate out emotionally and mentally from the nasty pressure that is coming your way. I know that you know there is no point arguing or explaining things when the addiction is in full flow.
Continuing to think of you kindly.
Monique31 January 2015 at 6:46 pm #1671
We must have been writing at the same time! I have just now seen your reply to Velvet and Madge. You have already made things better for yourself. You have the experience and the wisdom to do what is most helpful – we all have moments of desperation, especially when under a lot of pressure, but when we have learned from previous testing times, we can find the way forward again. It is good to call out to those who care at the bad moments. Continue well.
Monique4 February 2015 at 6:17 am #1672daddaParticipant
Hi, San. I am sorry to hear about the hard things that you are having to cope with, especially in regard to your partner. I am glad to see your recent posts, though, as I have wondered how you are doing. I hope that you get some encouraging news regarding your partner’s health and treatment.
I agree you sound strong as you are maintaining in the face of what has to be (still) difficult. It seems that the focus of the difficulty changes, though we may be more able to manage our response, as we ourselves learn and grow, and I guess accept or understand better.
I don’t disagree with anything said, but your mention about the emotional blackmail (conversation) struck a bit of a different chord with me. For some reason, things make more sense to me when I hear myself saying them out loud. Obviously, in the appropriate conversation, not just talking to myself. So while I can understand/agree that maybe it doesn’t go anywhere or get understood by the active CG, I found that it strengthened me to say some of what I was starting to understand. I think it helped my understanding, too. That may very well be a limited periof, though, as I haven’t had contact for well over a year now and even before that I had come to realize that any “communication” would end up breaking down to unhealthy if I didn’t “listen” and respect my own boundary, as you point out, when CG won’t. I found the attempt helpful to me for a time and I like to think that someday, in some way, maybe that thing we mention might be a seed that will bear later on, even if we are long gone from the scene.
Anyway, I am glad to see you are there still, and sending you wishes for strength and health and as much peace as possible in all the circumstances you are faced with.14 February 2015 at 8:17 am #1673
Why, oh why does it take me so long to wake up to things. I always think the best in everyone and give people more chances than I should. It’s something I’ve always done. I don’t consider myself a soft touch but something must be wrong somewhere along the lines.
So … I told him outright that I did not want to talk about money/gambling with him again and if he started I would end the conversation. And I did for a few weeks, I was strong. He continued to gamble and by all accounts won. I think he has an antenna when my defences are down. He phones and txts when I am at work. Tells me he has lost the works money and the boss is going to the police. He tells me he cant go to jail. I tell him to man up and face his boss. I give him the money to save him from going to jail. He gambles it. I tell him to face his boss, he says he does and is shocked when he is not fired and given a second chance. I bail him out again. It all goes quiet.
Yesterday he’s on the phone again, he’s gambled his wages and the works money again. He doesn’t know why he’s doing it. HE TELLS ME HE THINKS HE HAS A BRAIN TUMOUR. Bells ring loud and clear. I don’t give in this time, he can go to jail. I am done. I have a sleeping tumour and we are waiting for a treatment plan for mouth cancer for my partner and my cg comes out with that!
I know its the addiction talking. It makes me feel sick. He’s a sad human being. He won’t accept professional help. There comes a time when boundaries are crossed and he’s crossed it. I wouldn’t wish cancer on anybody. It’s a cruel disease.15 February 2015 at 9:06 am #1674
Thank you Vera. I needed to read that :). I hope one day he will seek the help and is truly happy. I am worn out, I don’t have the energy to continue giving this addiction any more attention.
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