Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #9491
    vicky1980
    Participant

    Ok I’ll start at the beginning. I was only 14. I went with my older brother and 2 older cousins to a pub. This pub didn’t even bat an eyelid that I was so young and we started playing the machines. My cousin and I put $10 into a card machine. We fought over who had the next slap an like a miracle we got the royal flush. I was over the moon! I remember the next day I went an bought shai’s album. And I still had $30 left over! This gambling thing was a synch. It never stopped. I am now 33 and its been going for nearly 20 years. I’m pretty, the life of the party and the girl, who on the outside seems like she has it all worked out. I should add great actor to the list of my skills too cause all these years no one really knows the extent to which I have fallen victim to this all consuming addiction. I could talk for hours about times I have won, lost, come back from nothing and hit rock bottom but I’m sure my experiences are the same as all gamblers out there. Just a different body in a different place doing the same damage. I won’t list them I just need to tell someone who I am and where I’m at. I am a low life when I gamble. I am so much more though. I have so much potential. I manage to weasel my way through life talking the talk and pretending to be in control. But I am not. I am a degenerate gambler. Oh ****. It’s true. I have wasted my days in pubs and clubs hurting myself. I wake in the night, my heart racing over the losses I have the day before. I punish myself for no reason. I want to settle, I want children I want a life. How can I have all these things when I won’t let myself be. I can’t expect the universe to be good to me when I can’t. How can I earn respect when I can’t even give it to myself. Oh it hurts to say it. It hurts that it’s real. I will stop. I will make the change.

    #9492
    vicky1980
    Participant

    Day three. Thought about the latest loss and how it’s set me back but that’s about it. Reminded myself that this will be a distant memory once I’m back on top, just got to keep strong. Went to the gym today, been putting it on the back burner so I could gamble at night. Felt really good

    #9493
    alwaysthefish
    Participant

    hey Vicky. Coming here every day helped me fight my urge a lot. I haven’t gambled for 23 days now and I didn’t even have to struggle a lot. Various posts here reinforce that miserable feeling I have when I gamble and I’ve been able to stay away.
    I know and I understand it’s a work in progress and I could easily give in again. So, I’m not complacent, but I’m grateful for finding this site with so many of you I can relate to.
    You do want to, in addition to coming here daily, make as many obstacles as possible. Block your online account, ban yourself with real casinos, distroy your credit cards if you have to. Not having temptations is much easier and better than fighting them.
     
     If you dine with the devil, bring a long spoon

    #9494
    vicky1980
    Participant

    I did it again. I had 400 and I won. I was up to 1000 and I played it down. I walked out with 350. I feel ****. I walked out though, not that it’s any consolation cause I feel like I went backward a week. I was going good and feeling strong. Will keep coming here and writing as I feel accountable I will start again from now.

    #9495
    cat438
    Participant

    Hi Vicky I am glad that you came and admitted that you had gambled as it is important to be honest with ourselves and everyone.  After I registered at GT it was a week until I really got started as I found myself panicking about never being able to play those machines again!!!  After the week I then started to focus on one day at a time and it is how I continue today.  I don’t think of never playing those machines again as I just take it a day at a time.  I have had gambling ***** since I came here two years ago, but I keep working on recovery.  I would suggest that you try and not have access to cash right now as "no money = no gambling".  Is there anyone that you trust that could ask to look after your money for you?  It is so worth fighting for a gamble free life.  You deserve a gamble free life!!!  Have faith in yourself that you can do this.  One day at a time my sweet lord…

    #9496
    stanciulete
    Participant

    Hey vicky…i want to stop it…its my first day..so far i didn’t want to play..i had before this feeling .but now is different..now i’m here..now i have new brothers and sisters to shar my problem..i earn a small sum of money…i want to be a good man..i’m only 23..i know i will play more in this life…but i want to be strong…independent..with sports betting i will never have a femily..my girl leaves me after 3 years..my mother got very sick becouse my all gold from here is at online gambling…me and my brother had before a good job ..but welost it becouse of me..now..i want to start an another life…i’m here for you..if youbneed to talk with anyone..this is my first day clean ..i enjoy it..at work..

    #9497
    vicky1980
    Participant

    Well, I went again. 370 down. Been keeping a calendar of my achievements this month. Smiley face means no gambling, frowny face is a relapse. 2 frowny faces in July. I’m doing better but still ashamed. Will get a good paycheck soon. Will post on here every day once I get it to make sure I’m in control. I don’t need luck I just need self control. Here I go.

    #9498
    chloe1969
    Participant

    Dear Vicky

    I am in a similar position as yourself. I am just so addicted to the machines and I have trouble staying away.

    I want to do the same for myself I know it will be the best thing i can do for myself.

    Sadly Vicki, I know I am not ready to give it up although there is nothing to gain in me continuing this habit. I cant help it. It’s a terrible disease.

    I genuinely hope that you be strong because continuing gambling has brought me nothing but misery. I don’t even know why I am doing this to myself. It’s irrational.

    What I want to say is I admire your determination and encourage you to be strong. Don’t be like me. Everyday I feel so down and depressed, and angry that I have so little control over this.

    Even if I do win the euphoria is short lived and after the high comes the low. Every time. The script is the same. I am sick of it and I would never wish for anyone to go through and put up with my agony.

    All the best Vicki. I know you can do it. One day at a time. And hopefully I will follow in your steps xx

    Chloe

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