[maverick.]

I have opened up this thread (rightly or wrongly) to offer you help and support, I was just reading through your journals like I have many times and was just about to make a post but then noticed it was closed, let me tell you they give me hope, courage and inspiration to help me get through the day, reading your posts along with many others on here has been a massive part of my recovery and in all honesty it will always be, hearing others share there stories ….. no not stories there lives takes courage, I know this because it took me a lot of courage to admit I am a compulsive gambler, not just to say it but to say it and know what that means for me deep inside. Anyway I won’t go on I just wanted to say it is always good to see you around (so to speak) and always good reading your posts, your support on here to me and many is greatly appreciated but like everything in life its a two way thing so when you are ready please share your thoughts no matter what they are. I have closed many journals on here the reason being for me (and only me I cannot speak for anyone else) is that I don’t think things through enough before I act impulsively but hey that is just one of my many character defects………I am working on them daily. So Icandothis please stay strong, stay safe, keep at it one day at a time and never ever give in, I cannot give you a lot but I can give you my help and support like you have given to me and many in the past, always remember what we have done is done and it is in the past the most important thing is what we do with the present because what we do in the present determines our future, there is always hope, take care love Maverick.

[p]

Cool I can, we are on the road, it may not feel pleasant, it may be hard to face reality but we are doing it, if we did it today we can do it any day. Off we go, recovery road is waiting for us to keep moving forward along it. We can do it, despite how it feels today
p

[maverick.]

Just wanted to wish you well Icandothis, stay strong and keep at it one day at a time, all the best love Maverick.

[icandothis]

Thanks, P and Maverick.  I am feeling a little better, and I have been enjoying a nice weekend with my husband.  I am ready to get back to that happiness project.  February was a pretty depressing month.  My hopes are higher for March.  I have learned that no matter what I do to change or improve my life, it dosen’t work if I gamble, even for one day.  I am not sure about happiness.  Some say it is a decision, some say it’s a skill, and some say it takes discipline. Right now, it is enough not to gamble.    

[icandothis]

OMG, What a morning!  My daughter is home from college this week.  She has a job interview about an hour from here this morning.  At the last minute, she is trying to print out her resume.  She had trouble with her computer and then our printer.  I am thinking…shouldn’t you have left by now!  She hadn’t even printed out the directions yet.  My mind is saying all the mom things like..You couldn’t have done this last night while you were sitting on the couch watching TV.  Instead, I scraped and heated her car, paced around the kitchen, and prayed.  She did get out the door just in time with everything she needed printed, but now she doesn’t even have one minute to spare.  She has a terrible sense of direction, and now I am praying that she finds the place and that she gets there  on time…in other words, I am praying for a miracle!
Well, she just called me hysterical.  She had the directions, but I told her they took her a little out of her way, and she needed to get on ***.  So, she didn’t look at the directions and took yyy..totally the wrong way!   This is, of course, all MY fault.  I have to go.
 

[vera]

HAND ME DOWN MY FIDDLE, ICAN!!!
 I could sing, play and dance to that tune!
Who would these youngsters blame if they didn’t have mothers!! (sorry guys!)
I hope and pray your daughter gets the job if its meant to be!

[icandothis]

My daughter showed up one hour late for her interview.  She came home and gave me a big hug and said she was sorry.  They offered her the job!  We had a nice dinner and talked all about her interview and the opportunity if she decides to take the job.  We will see how things turn out.  I always thought she would be the one who would take a job in a big city far from home…maybe not.

[ready2change]

You said you prayed for a miracle and low and behold your prayers were answered. Congratulations to you and your daughter she must of really impressed the interviewers being an hour late must of done a brillant interview it should do ger confidence the world of good. You should be proud! Well done

[icandothis]

Thanks, Ready2change.  I have read your thread.  I am glad you are continuing to post and the days are beginning to add up.  You’re right about my daughter..of course, as her mother, I might be a little biase.  I had this feeling after I talked to her..(well she did all the talking, I mean screaming)…that if she could regroup and calm down she would get the job.  She really is a very smart, talented, creative young woman.  I wish I had as much confidence in myself as I do in my children.  Heck, I wish I were my children! lol
My daughter is still sleeping.  I am enjoying her visit.  We are going to a movie later today.  Yesterday on facebook, a friend of mine whose daughter is also home on college break, posted a picture of the two of them at the casino.  I have to admit, I was a little jeolous of the fact that this is something they can do together, wihout it being a problem.  I even thought, "Why didn’t they invite us?"  In the past, I have suggested we go, but my daughter was never interested.  It is not something she cares about, so I will try not to think about it and focus on other things we can do together.  Money better spent.  I remember the days when I knew we had a casino down the street, but wasn’t interested in going either!  Oh well, now I am what I am, and that’s what I am.  No use in wishing otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ican
Very pleased for your daughter. Next thing to focus on is you and only you !
You think of everyone else, but sometimes I think its OK to just work on ourselves. And as we know, it really is work sometimes. I think you are doing fantastic. Get all your barriers locked firmly in place and as you mentioned, enjoy all those simple pleasures that don’t cost us a bean but give the most pleasure. Try and think that no casinos exist….they’ve all gone bust and no place to bet…….that is a nice thought ! We would definitely get on then with ‘just living’……………………….
Thinking of you and all on here x
Ed
 

[icandothis]

Big week for my kids,  Last night my son told us he had a job opportunity in London that he was definitely going to take.  So, after the wedding he is off to England.  Right now, he lives down the street and we see him often.  I am very excited for him and his fiance, but I am sure you can understand my feeling a little sad.

[cat438]

Hi Ican, it sounds as if you are dealing with lots of different things with your kids right now.  I think that some of my gambling was related to empty nest syndrome in missing my son moved to another province with my Grandson.  I was so excited to be a grandma and then he and his wife moved to her home province.  I felt so ******* as I had always wanted to be a Grandma and just loved being able to see my adorable Grandson whenver I wanted.  Don’t get me wrong I am not angry at him or his wife for moving as they have to do what is right for their family.  I did it to my parents when we moved from Scotland, but it was so hard.  It still is hard as we don’t get to see them as often as I would like.  we do the skype thing, but it is not the same as being part of their life on a daily basis.  I am just thinking if you son is going to London, England would that not be an awesome opportunity for you to save for a trip to visit him.  so instead of putting the money in a machine put it in a savings account for an awesome trip.  I know it helps me if I have something to look forward to, and for me it is a visit to see our grandsons!!!!  I was so happy that your prayers were answered for your daughter. We never stop being a parent, no matter how old our kids are.  Sorry if I am rambling on your page.  Have a great gamble free day!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Hi Cat, My heart goes out to you missing your grandson and also your recent loss as well.  I think people talk about empty nest syndrome as if it isn’t really much at all.  But I think it can be devastating and something that is very hard to adjust to. I also think it is more than just missing our kids and grandkids, although that is painful.  More me, I think there is an identity crises as well.  Who am I, not in relation to my kids?  Who am I if I am not taking care of my kids, and in my case, also my parents?   I think it would help if I had not given up my career to be a stay-at-home mom, although that decision is not one I regret.  I wish I had planned ahead for this time when my kids would be gone.  I am trying to look at this as an opportunity for me.  New career?  Hobbies?   New business venture?..taking things one day at a time.   Right now, I have no answers, except I know that gambling cannot fill the void.
I think I need to pray for another miracle, as right now I can’t see having the money to go to London.  We are trying to save so that we can help out with the wedding expenses.  Each month, more money goes out than comes in, which is a bit of a problem. lol   Speaking of prayers..I am thrilled for my daughter.  Although, I have to admit, my prayers might have had more to do with me than with my daughter, as I would have had to live with the fact that it was all my fault that she was an hour late for the interview, and that is why she didn’t get the job and why I completely ruined her life! lol 
take care, Cat.  We are meant to enjoy all the passages of our life.  Moving forward through them instead of choosing to gamble and stay stuck.

[icandothis]

Hi all, Struggling today.  Thinking I can’t possibly get through March let alone the rest of my life!  I have had the flu for the last 2 days.  I made my daughter’s favorite dinner last night…salmon, sweet potatoes, and green beans.  She had a friend over.  Today, she is at work.  I am taking it easy.  Soon I will get ready and take her shopping and then dinner at a pub downtown.  I still have the chills and am so tired.  I realized today that I never give myself a break, even when I am sick.  Still beating myself up.  She is staying again tonight.  I am thinking that this empty nest thing, like many things in life, is a paradox.  So glad to be spending time with my daughter, but  so glad to get back to my empty nest, too! 

[neva]

Yes, you need to take time for yourself. Being sick and still taking care of everyone else isn’t good for your health.  I know women don’t usually have the luxury of doing nothing when they are feeling bad.  We still have to go to the store, make dinner, clean-up and go about life with little interruption. But, your daughter is older and would understand that you weren’t feeling well. Tell her and allow her to take care of you. Hope you are getting some rest and feeling better today.

[icandothis]

Neva, you are right about my daughter, but I don’t get to pamper her very often.  We made a short evening of it Friday, and then my husband and I layed in bed and watched 3 episodes of Downton Abbey on my laptop.  We did the same thing last night…now that’s how I like to be sick.  That was the first time we had seen that show and now we are totally hooked on the series.  Netflix only had the first season.  We were both very disappointed.  It is very difficult to rent.  Worse things could happen.  Yesterday, I woke up feeling so much better.  Then, last night, things got worse again.  Right now, I can hardly get out of bed.  My husband is painting my daughter’s room and taking pretty good care of me.  Lots of water and chicken noodle soup.  Feeling a little guilty about not doing anything productive today, but I am also feeling grateful for many things, as well. 

[neva]

I think my sister has what you have.  She doesn’t usually get sick but she’s feeling really bad.  Her husband got it first and, like most couples, shared it with her. lol She said she starts feeling better but that then it hits her again.  Hope you both get better soon!

[icandothis]

Cat, I had made the same request of my page and to have all my information deleted, and then yesterday I changed my mind, and took it back.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I am tired of the secrets.  I just want to be me…good, bad, and the ugly…and not be ashamed of it any more.  I think we are sharing a similar struggle right now.  I think a job would help me, but I can’t seem to motivate myself to find one.  I don’t think I am quilified for much of anything anymore.   I like that phrase "give myself a shake"  That is just what I could use.
Today is my MIL’s birthday.  April fools day..97 years old.  We went to visit her yesterday and gave her a nice outfit that she could wear today.  She was in good spirits and doing as well as could be expected of a 97 year old.  Then, something happened to her last evening, and she is not doing well today at all.  Incoherrant, disoriented, seems to be in pain and can’t get out of bed.  My husband is with her right now, and hopefully a doctor will come soon, so we will know more.  I am glad we saw her yesterday, but i feel bad because the rest of the family were going to have lunch with her today, and she was looking forward to it, and also to wearing her new outfit and having her hair done.
I have been thinking a lot about gambling, too, Cat.  I really need to refocus.  To figure out how to get through this low time where change is necessary.  I need to hold tight and find the motivation and desire to look for something of substance to fill this void instead of looking to gambling.  I am not the first non-working mom who has struggled with having an empty nest.  There are solutions to this problem, but gambling is not one of them.  It is not the end of the world, and if I could motivate myself and change my attitude, it could be a fun time of self-discovery.  April 1 would be a good time to start! 
My husband just called.  The nurse has called my MIL’s doctor and told him there is an emergency.  He is not answering his phone.  Seriously???

[trulyshi]

ICan, I hope your MIL is okay.  I answered your message on the other site, thanks so much for writing to me.  I am babysitting tonight, taking a break from the unpacking.  Everything is now in the apartment and I will be sleeping there tonight for the first time.  Tomorrow will be spent unpacking more things.  My friend came over yesterday and put everything away in the kitchen and today I couldn’t find a thing, lol.  Now I have more dishes which my daughter gave me and no idea where to put them.  Well, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have the luxury of time.  It also keeps me busy and my mind occupied which is a very good thing.  I’m going to go play with Sarah now, let us know how your MIL is doing.  Debbie

[vera]

I too get that paranoid type notion every now and then when I feel I have revealed too much info on this site, but then I ask myself , "who reads my thread?"
I doubt if any of my family would bother and if they ever do all I can say is that everything I have ever written is true and documented in good faith.
Nothing is ever totally private, even hand written letters so all we CGs can do is be true to ourselves and loyal to our families friends and colleagues as far as recovery allows.
I hope your MIL gets the medical attention she *****. Like babies, old people can become ill very suddenly but sometimes take longer than infants to recover. I hope she is not in any distress or pain on her birthday.

[cat438]

Ican I have been thinking about you since I read about your MIL and wondering how she is.  It is so sad on her birthday that she is having problems.  I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Thank you so much Trulyshi, Vera, and Cat for asking about my MIL  She did have a stroke.  Her quality of life has taken a huge nosedive.  She was a little better today than yesterday.  As my husband says, we will have to take it one day at a time.  Hmmm…where have I heard that before?  These things just keep coming at us, and maybe that is the lesson.  Live for today, make the most of it because you never know what tomorrow brings.   For example, I am so glad we visited her on Easter instead of waiting until her birthday.   My husband wore a new suit that my MIL bought for him to show her appreciation for all the things he does for her, which is a lot.  He looked very handsome, and he was looking forward to showing it to her.  I am so grateful that she was able to see him in it, and understand that it was a gift from her.  Even I was excited to see him in it.  Lavender shirt and a purple tie.  One woman who lives at assisted living asks him every time she sees him if he is a Preacher.  He always tells her that he is too much of a sinner to be a Preacher.  I don’t know about that but, last Sunday, I thought he really did look like a Preacher!

[maverick.]

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ” hope you are well Ican and sorry for ******** others words but they have a lot of meaning, take care love Maverick.

[icandothis]

Maverick,  So good to see you are still posting.  I know you will start a new thread when you are ready.  There may be detours, but the journey continues.  Sending you, as always, my support and well wishes.

[neva]

I’m just checking in on you. Sounds like your husband dressing up looks good on him.  Nothing wrong with looking like a preacher!  Hope you’re hanging in there and fighting the good fight against gambling. 

[cat438]

Just checking in to see how you are doing, and how your MIL is as well.  I just got back from Church and it is interesting as I really had to force myself to go today.  I am glad that I went as it reinforced to me how important my faith is to me.  I don’t know why I turn away from it.  I don’t know that I turn away from it so much as I do believe, however, I think it is having faith and trusting that everything will work out the way it is meant to be.  This does not necessarily mean the way that I want it, but the path and plan that God has for us.  Sorry I did not mean to start preaching to you. I know that GA is based on a Higher Power and this does not mean God to all.  I don’t go to GA, however, I can understand how it is important to let go to your higher power.  I suppose what I am saying is that even if we don’t go to GA that may be we still have lots of the same philosophies through our faith.   I pray that your MIL is doing well.  Take care Ican.  Have a wonderful gamble free day.One day at a time my sweet lord…

[icandothis]

Neva, my husband does look good in a suit, which is a good thing because he is a salesman and wears one every day to work.  Don’t think of you as a preacher, Cat.  I understand just what you are talking about.  My MIL is not doing well.  Went to visit her this afternoon.  She didn’t recognize me.  She did hear my husband’s voice and asked if he was in the room.  She kept asking for her husband who **** when my husband was 13.  She is doing things I don’t even want to talk about.  I hope the good Lord takes her soon.  I know this is very hard on my husband.  I think he is really appreciating what I went through with my parents.  Can[t really process everything at this moment.  All in all, we had a good weekend and no gambling.  We talked about how since we married 33 years ago, there has been so many things thrown at us. Not feeling sorry for ourselves, just feeling weary.  We both could use a break, and yet we find comfort in each other every day. Who could ask for more than that?

[neva]

That must be hard seeing your mother-in-law act in a way you know she wouldn’t if she was in her right mind. It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your husband and can ***** on each other for support.  Seems like there are always rough spots in our lives.  Sorry you are going through one right now.

[ready2change]

sorry 2 hear about your MIL 97 is a massive age. 33 years marriage is a great achievement and i hope use get a break soon . hope your daughters enjoying her new job.
adaat we can do this. take care

[neva]

I tried to post on Mavericks thread this weekend but it was closed.  Maverick, I enjoy your caring positive posts and hope you keep on posting.
Ican, I liked your post on Cat’s monthly post.  All of a sudden my mind went blank on what it said…getting older ha ha…but I really liked it.  I know your hard time of the week is coming up and hope you have plenty to look forward to. Before you know it, the weekend will be here and you’ll be busy with your husband and gambling won’t be an issue.  Seems like we all have different ***** and days that are hard for us but we can change that up by making new habits…good habits.  It used to be that Saturday afternoons were casino time but now I meet my husband for lunch every Saturday at 3:00…a much better habit.

[vera]

Thanks for your positive support Ican! To be honest I usually think twice before I press the "post" sign because I often feel like a total **** here. What I write and what I say very often fails to meet up to what I DO in real life. E.G. I preach about not gambling, yet I continue to gamble but not today, thank God! There is a huge discrepancy between my words and my actions sometimes but, as we know, words follow thoughts and we can only hope that good actions will follow good thoughts and words so writing them down is probably more sensible than allowing the feelings to bottle up and then stuf them all in a slot machine. If one word that I write has helped even one person then I know I am not wasting my time. Sometimes I feel tempted to eradicate every post I ever sent to this Forum but that comes from my own petty insecurity and lack of self esteem.
When Im not working I really have no one to talk to. My husband is not a communicator and it is maddening to be talking to yourself!
So I write ….
Better check the oven I smell burning. Also hubby has come in twice and STARED at the floor that ***** to be hovered…

[maverick.]

Icandothis……… I would never doubt you because I know you can, I hope you are keeping well and as i am sure you know I will always wish you the very best, hope life is being fair to you and always remember one day at a time, thanks for all your help and support you give to me and many, take care and catch you soon love Maverick.

[neva]

Ican, I loved your post on Larry’s thread about treating your cg self as you would have your kids.  So true! We let our cg get away with too much for too long.  Time for the discipline!

[vera]

"Spoiled Brat" indeed, Ican!
Good name for a new thread!
I always feel like an undisciplined child when I allow myself to gamble. Rather, when I allow myself to indulge in self destructive bahaviour regardless of the effect it has on myself and others. That’s the reality of gambling! Self indulgence and self destruction in it’s lowest form.  I am paying for my past destructive actions now Ican, yet I feel I haven’t been taught enough lessons. YET! (I think I ll start whacking myself with a whip!! lol!)
Cgs blame things like "triggers" "the Devil" even "God" for our weakness. We say things like "Why me?" "I cannot help myself" . "It’s the addiction!". These are the excuses I have used in the past when I want to gamble for my own "pleasure". We have to admit and accept, Ican, that for Cgs who have been given the "bag of recovery tools" there is NO EXCUSE to carry on gambling. In the early stages it is outside our control. When we continue to reject help and blame other issues for causing us to "slip" it is time for increased self discipline so from now on I will be the "Big Bad Mama" that you mentioned!
Ps Our "desires" come from our "Fallen Nature". Those "desires" ( meaning inordinate attachments) will be with us until we shake off our human form.We were given Free Will. We can resist those "desires" by surrounding ourselves with protective armour or indulge our base nature if that is what we want to do. The choice is ours! I can’t believe that I was taught that when I was seven years old! Looking back, I realise now I was given me a Map for Life then .The "ethos" I was raised in said at aged 7 a child reaches the "Use Of Reason". I understood it clearly then because young children are still untainted by the world’s attachments .I have mulled over that philosophy throughout my life and 50 odd years later, and from my CG experience especially I KNOW that this teaching is true!
"The root of all sorrow is desire. The uprooting of sorrow is desirelessness!"
Lots of food for thought there! If we could grasp it fully , we would never gamble again!
Awareness is the key!

[icandothis]

Vera…May be a good topic for discussion…Is there a difference between "desire" and "attachment"?  or perhaps looking at the relationship between the two. 
 — 4/15/2013 8:21:37 PM: post edited by icandothis.

[icandothis]

My friend has been facebooking all day about her son being in his first Boston Marathon.  Giving his time as he goes.  Mostly just proud that he was able to participate.  Now, it is all about whether he is safe.  He is.  Been watching news coverage.  Why?

[icandothis]

— 4/16/2013 11:57:34 AM: post edited by icandothis.

[neva]

Ican, I’ve been posting and posting and just realized I didn’t see anything from you.  Hope you are alright and just enjoying life.  Please give us an update and let us know how you are.  Sherry

[Author]

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