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  • #3667
    Ivy360
    Participant

    It’s been a while since I posted although it was under a different name. My now husband has had a couple if relapses which I’m struggling to come to terms with. I suppose I didn’t post before as I was burying my head in the sand. He has come a long way from when I realised he had a problem 10 years ago or there abouts. He has gone almost 18 months gamble free this time and the time before about the same. I wish I had a magic wand as I’m sure we all do. I need someone to tell me what to but I know that I am the only one who can decide my future.

    #3668
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Welcome back Ivy, thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3669
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ivy
    Welcome back – I am glad you knew you could come again and be assured of a warm welcome.
    You say in your post that your husband has gone almost 18 months gamble-free this time – has he slipped again or are you feeling he is due for another nose-dive?
    Many CGs count the days, months, etc. Psychologically this can create a goal. Once the goal is reached, be it a week, a year or eighteen months, there can be a feeling of euphoria a desire for a reward and the most likely reward for a CG, who has not fully accepted his addiction is a gamble.
    If your husband has achieved his 18 months gamble-free by his own effort he will still be subject to his addiction distorting his thoughts – this is a time for him to speak to his peers in GA, on this site or a counsellor. I have still to hear of an active CG who has maintained a gamble-free life without support.
    Stick with us Ivy – you have done great starting your thread. Of course you are the only one who can decide your future but it is really good to share your thinking with others – if helps to unravel thoughts that can get tangled and out of proportion.
    V

    #3670
    Ivy360
    Participant

    I’ve had a bit of a melt down today!! I’ve told my husband that I don’t know if I want to stay married etc I’ve told him exactly how I feel and that I really don’t know if I can Stay in the marriage even though he has come a long way with his addiction. I’m so confused at the moment. I go out and pretend to be happy and put on a front as know one really knows about his gambling the 2 people I did tell thinks he’s stopped, I can’t bring myself to tell them he’s gambled again. He has asked me to put a block on our internet but I think he’s just saying what I want to hear but he says he wants me to help him. Xx

    #3671
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Ivy
    Putting on a front gnaws away at your personality and ruins your self-esteem and it obviously isn’t good. If it was me I would tell the 2 people you trusted before because you need support and freedom to relax without a mask. Secrecy is exactly what a CG wants if he is to keep the door open for his addiction.
    Your husband has asked you to help him which is good and getting a block on the internet is a step in the right direction. In my view, however, he should take responsibility and put the block on himself.
    What is he doing to make things different this time Ivy? Is he going to GA, is he seeking counselling, is he prepared to talk to our helpline or join our CG groups?
    Your words to your husband were fair and did not threaten your marriage – you told him you don’t know if you can continue which means he has the choice to put this lapse behind him and live gamble-free or carry on and wreck his marriage.
    Keep posting
    V

    #3672
    nomore 56
    Participant

    Hi Ivy, your last post reminded me of the final countdown in my own journey on the slippery slope of dealing with my hb’s addiction. I, too, hid his relapses from the few people who knew that he is a cg. In my case, it was part embarrassment and part not wanting to hear “we told you it would not work out”. Looking back at it, I have to agree with Velvet. It is not your fault that he relapsed and the addiction loves secrecy. You might want to have a discussion with yourself. Try to find out, what it is you want and how far you are willing to go with this. Where is your point of no return? If you decide to leave, do you have a plan in place? IMHO relapse is different from the first encounter with the addiction. At least it was for me. I dealt with his gambling, his non-gambling in constant relapse mode and the last catastrophic relapse for over 20 yrs until there was nothing left of me. Nothing left of anything but chaos and insanity. I still remember the day when I told myself that it is enough. No matter what the consequences would be, I was not willing to play the charade one more day. So I sat him down and told him what my conditions were. He just knew I was serious for once. Went to inpatient treatment and is now in a true recovery for over 5 yrs. We are separated but it is all so much better now. Velvet said that HE should be the one to take action and I agree with that as well. How much support are you willing to give and how long? I also can’t help but think that he might ask for your support to put the ball partly in your court. So you think that you can actually do something to make him quit again. Kind of a silken chain to tie you to him just a bit longer. I might be wrong but learned to not trust anything my cg said. He lied when his lips were moving. I hope that this is not the case for you and hope you find a solution that gives you peace of mind because right now, YOU is all that matters.

    #3673
    Ivy360
    Participant

    Thanks for you replies, the reason why he asked me to put the block on was it is passcode protected so if he did it he would know the passcode, he’s also asked me to do his mobile phone again only for the same reason as the wifi. He did the research as I wasn’t aware you could restrict dires on mobile phones. I’m still confused as what to do as he has come such a long way from when I first met him and the years that followed. He doesn’t hide it like he used to. I can see hiss accounts whenever I want to etc. when I ask him if he’s gambled he tells me after the initial know. He doesn’t get angry like before. He knows exactly what I’m feeling as I’m not one for holding back, you are right I do need to tell someone and I will when I see my best friend

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