[Tomtom01]

Hi all.

My name is tom and i have been gambling in secret from my wife, children and family for around 5 years.

Me and my wife have a joint bank account and i remember when all this started that i wanted to join in gambling with friends but knew my wife would not like me spending money on gambling. So i drew money out of the bank and had a friend send me the money so i could gamble online and join in with them and payed him cash in hand.
That was the start of a very slippery spiral that has landed me here today.

Its very starnge cause the feeling of worrying about upsetting my wife if i spent my own money only made the problem worse. Even none gambling items that i thought she may may not want me to buy i would buy in secret for example online courses or a somthing slightly expensive like a new watch.
I had that feeling even though she had never said i dont want you to spend or buy anything i just felt she probably wouldnt agree and did it to save argument (all in my head.)

I had a vision that i wanted a better life than i have with being unhappy at work and that gambling in particular poker could win me the money for this better life for me and my family so i ended up getting a credit card in secret to fund my poker ambition and later moved on to an intrest in the forex financial markets. That was going to be my way to get this better life (but all in secret) sounds so crazy writting this.

Anyway 5 years later and 1 maxed credit card here i am.

I have also been threatend with being sued for copyrighy infringment for downloading and offering to share a online forex course with somone which if the owner of the content establishes my real identity online then i could owe thousands even though i have never actually sold any of the courses but i did offer it to 1 person and it has added to the feeling of guilt on top of the gambling.

All in all my life was and is in a bad way and it comes from a keeping secrets and having an addiction that i have been keeping secret.

Last weekend i eventually came clean and told my wife everything as i was struggling mentally to cope with all these secrets and the debt.
I was becoming distant and wasnt myself not eating or sleeping properly and i felt as if i didnt recognise mysef anymore. Who was i? How had i ended up here? Its effecting my health and everyone around me including my kids.

I know it has broken my wifes heart to find out about the secret side of me and of course she is extremely upset and will have trouble trusting me but sharing everything with her has really boosted the way i feel.

Just being honest and open about my problems has aloud me to sleep soundly for the first time in ages. I feel positive i can move forward and sort my financial issues and hopefully regain my wifes trust and start to make positve plans for the future. I also need to socialise with my friends again as the gambling caused me to isolate from them to as i was only intrested in myself and the gambling.

I know i will need support from my wife but also i recognised i would need support from people who have had simlar experinces and expertise.

Sorry its been such a long read for you all but it i feel its another positive step opening up about it all.

I am looking forward to moving on from these first steps and getting my life back and regaining control.

Thanks for reading

Tom.

[dunc]

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Jdbby85]

You’re describing me (although my addiction is online slots) I’ve lied and hurt my husband, my family and although I feel disgusted with my self, the fact that you’ve come clean is immense and hopefully you have the strength to beat your addiction! I have blocked gambling sites and am now being honest with myself and my loved ones! I think it’s lies that have hurt people around me! I’m sure you feel the same!
Be open and honest with your wife, talk to her even when it’s not what she wants to hear! Lies produce more lies & I’m saying that because that’s how I’ve ended up in this horrible situation! I’m sure your wife will do what she can to support you but you have to be honest with her and put her mind at ease! If that means accounting for every penny with receipts or whatever she feels she needs from you! You can beat this because you wouldn’t have posted on here! I wish you all the best in your journey!

[Tomtom01]

Thank you for your message and it is so nice to know that other people are in a simlar situation and i am not alone. I think your  advice about giving up my finances is a good one and which may help over time to re build some trust hopefully.

Im sorry to here that you have also been lieing to your loved ones but it seems you have already taken some steps to help beat your addiction.

I will try and post here often as i think it is going to be a big help for me moving forward. 

I am also determind to be honest even if like you say it is not what my wife wants to here. It will be good for is both.

[Jdbby85]

It actually quite alarming how many people have similar stories! At the time when you’re gambling in whatever form it is and you’re chasing losses you feel like the ONLY person who could ever do such a wicked thing! I would like to suggest whenever you feel the urge to gamble come on here and post in the forum to take your mind off that for a minute, people will reply pretty quick! They did with me! I lost mine and my partners weeks wages (£700+) in the space of 4/5 hrs just pushing spin, spin, spin like a zombie it wasn’t even registering until a message would come up “out of funds please deposit”
That makes me cringe! Thinking I did that! But people make mistakes it’s what you do to put them right! I’m now 9 days in, I’ve blocked online casino sites with gamstop (they’re really good, block all casino sites in uk for free) it’s really easy and takes 24 hrs to be effective! Also I don’t know if your wife could find it useful to use the forums on here as they have an option for friends or family members! That might be helpful to her? Good luck

[Tomtom01]

So this week i handed over my bank cards and the maxed out credit card to my wife. I have also applied for a loan to repay the credit card with a lower intrest rate. But up to yet i havent had an application accepted.

My next plan is to join the new comers group session on here monday night.

Im still feeling positive and all the steps i am taking are helping with that.

I am still worried if i cant get a lone though as the intrest on the credit card is so high.

I havent even thoughy or felt like gambling as i am so focussed on puting my mess right.

[Tomtom01]

So gambling wise things are going well as i havent and still feel like i wont most of the time. I am finding it difficult finding time for myself between working and doing family things with the kids etc. And that is the only tinme i feel like gambling. i think its the stress of having no time to do anything other than work and what other people want to do. Makes me sound selfish but putting work and family first leaves no time for myself to have any hobbies etc. Lockdown has not helped with this as grandparents cannot help out with the kids, but still its how i feel.
n
nIve managed to get a loan to pay off my credit card from my bank at an affordable repayment each month so thats really positive.
n
nAm staying focussed and there will be no relapses here. Am sure of it.

[Steev]

I was interested that a trigger for you is lack of time for yourself – as the advice is often to keep busy, as boredom is a trigger for many.

I guess we are all different.  Is there anything you can do about this?  Remembering the serenity prayer – “courage to change the things I can” comes to mind.  I wonder which hobbies you are missing.  Perhaps things will ease as the lockdown does.  Go well.

[Bajer]

Thanks so much for sharing Tom. I just started recovery from sports betting addiction and I have realized that isolation is one of the reason why we easily go back to our past ways. I have found a community here and I hope that we can all recover together and make this a thing of the past. Cheers

[axaxi]

that’s a good step, i wish i could do it too

[Author]

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