[michaelb123]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have three young children. Since lock down I’ve noticed a distinct shift in her behavior.
nShe has been constantly on her cell phone “playing games”. Prior to lock down we were having issues with her spending increasingly long nights at friends and relatives
nat relatives houses playing cards often not coming home until the morning. Naturally I thought she was having an affair, but I checked as best as I
ncould and she seemed to be telling the truth and simply “playing cards” all night long with relatives. Things came to a head as she was becoming
nincreasingly short tempered with our kids and not attending to basic life matters. Many times I have tried to discuss the issue with her but it was
nonly when I told her that I was considering ending the relationship that she would accept any responsibility for her actions. Naively I just didn’t realize
nover the last 7 years that the issue was actually related to gambling until lock down when she shifted her “social” gambling to online activities.
n
nInitially when lock down happened here in mid March I was relieved as she could no longer spend night after night playing cards and she actually
nbegan engaging in family life without being often short tempered. But fairly rapidly I noticed her cell phone became attached to her like a life
nsupport mechanism and quickly gleaned that she was likely gambling online. The other day I went through her phone and immediately found cash
ntransfers to an illegal gambling site on facebook. The amounts are not huge however rapidly escalating. Ive tried to bring it up with her but she becomes
naggressive and resistant.
n
nMostly I’m worried about my kids. I started working again last month as lock down restrictions eased and soon became concerned because when I would
ndrop by home I often found that my kids hadn’t eaten and their personal care hadn’t been attended to appropriately and more often than not the house was
nin a terrible state. Worst of all my kids; three , five and nine ( step daughter) began complaining to me that mummy is always on her cell phone and is always
nbad tempered. In addition she began becoming violent to my five year old son ( he is hand full) sometime spanking him but sometimes in fits of rage using
nimplements like coat hangers. Ive had to stop her many times but wonder what happens when I’m not at home. Prior to lock down we were lucky to had a live
nin home helper however she was visiting her home when the lock down was instigated and all travel was prohibited so she couldn’t travel back here. Ive
norganized meals to be home delivered to ensure my kids eat and I come home a few times a day to check on them.
n
nMost recently my partner has started sleeping in another room. She said its to help me sleep but I guess it so she can gamble all night long. I often think I
nshould break up with her for the sake of my children and for me but my kids love their mother so much. Additionally, we are not married and I live in a country
n where as a man in a relationship without marriage I would not have any rights over my children. Im also concerned as previously when I told her I wanted to
nbreak up she threatened suicide. The only thing I can thin of now is perhaps having an intervention with one trusted family member. Anyways it’s been
nhelpful for me to put my story down in words. Ive gained some clarity. Peace

[dunc]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Michael
nI am glad and relieved to know that you have at least one trusted family member that can support you at this difficult time. I hope you can share with this person the seriousness of what is happening and the importance of helping your partner the right way. Interventions can be very good provided everybody is saying the same thing.
nYour partner did not ask for, or want, the addiction to gamble. She may say that she likes gambling and doesn’t want to stop but it is equally very possible that she doesn’t like the woman she has become but doesn’t know how to make her life any different The gambling addiction is like a roller-coaster that is so hard to get off once it is moving so fast.
nShe needs direction to the right support. It is good for her to know that she has support from those who love her because facing her addiction will not be easy. She will almost certainly have little or no self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-worth, she will almost certainly feel a failure.
nThe addiction to gamble destroys logic and reason, making it very difficult for a gambler to communicate, or understand that support is being offered. It is important for you to stay calm in an intervention with everybody in agreement about what is going to be said before you start..
nIt might be good to ask her to help you to understand what she feels and what she wants, so that you can do the right thing for her– give her permission to talk without fear of judgement. Shouting and pleading will make no difference, it is better if she feels safe. Listening is often more important than talking.
nI am most concerned about her seemingly abusing your children and I am hoping that she is concerned about this too. If she feels everything is getting on top of her and the world is against her, she will get angrier and gambling will be her escape because it is the only coping mechanism she has at the moment – she is in a cycle of addiction and needs help to stop but there is lots of help available.
nMaybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gamblers Anonymous web site and leave them for her to read – she may not realise she has a problem that is recognised and that there is help available for her. If you want to know about support in the area in which you live, maybe you could contact our helpline who will help you.
nI hope you can encourage your partner to speak but it is a long, hard road and misunderstandings are likely to be frequent. Patience is hard, I know. You sound like a man with strength and goodness and I wish you well. Your children have a wonderful role model in you.
nI hope you will keep posting Michael.
nVelvet
n
n
n

[michaelb123]

Thanks do much for your kind comments and advice. As it happened I spoke to her today. I let her know that I wasn’t judging her but more focused on how I feel and how my kids feel..She told me she quit a few days ago which is consistent with my observation however clearly we are in for along journey but at least the ball has started rolling. I encouraged her to reach out to this site and she agreed so for now I guess we facing one moment at a time….thank you so much

[Author]

Posts