6 November 2014 at 1:21 pm #3554
Ok so i suppose i am posting because the relationship with my CG is over. I have read and re-read many posts over the last 11 months and want to share my story. Not to encourage others to leave or take drastic action but from a selfish point of view, i feel like posting on here will be my final farewell to the world of gambling- part of my therapy and recovery if you like.
Im 34 with 2 children and met my ex last summer. We went to school together in our teens and stayed in touch through social media. We began dating and i thought he was the real deal. Kind, attentive, thought the world of me and my two babies and athough a little bit arrogant i found him funny and enchanting.
He lived with his parents which wasnt ideal but i understood he came from a very tight knit and supportive family.
He appeared genuine and where i thought his arrogance was confidence and honesty it was actually a defence for lies and manipulation.
He moved into my house in January and i became pregnant. This is when things started to become difficult and confusing.
He wouldnt give me money for bills or food saying initially that he had debts to pay but would give me the money in a few months when he was sorted. At first i was ok with this but then i spent 6 weeks at home with severe morning (all day) sickness. He worked early mornings and was home for 12 each day so I started to see how much time he spent on his phone and watching sports. Often his mood would change when notifications came through on his phone or when a team scored, player lost etc. I spoke to him about it and the amount of time he would spend on his phone, he said he was having few bets and they hadn’t come in. I believed it was a hobby and i didn’t know the first thing about gambling or addiction (believed problem gamblers stayed in bookies etc). He stayed up late to watch sport (i thought it was because i was pregnant and ugly and didnt want to come to bed with me) and when he did come to bed it was broken sleep because of him checking his phone throughout the night because of teams playing in other countries.
I spoke to him about the gambling, said it was out of control and he needed help, even as far as asking him to fill out a questionnaire from GA website. He said he would cut it down however then told me he had had gambling issues in the past, made lots of money and lost it and didn’t think he was bad as he was back then. When he told me this alarm bells started ringing and i looked into addiction further.
By this point, i knew he was never going to contribute financially and i was going to be raising a baby single handedly (along with my other 2). He wouldnt help organise sorting things for the baby or buying things and i was becoming more and more worried and depressed at how i would cope with 3 children, work full time, mortgage bills etc with his gambling problem on top.
I was still only 17 weeks pregnant by this time and was starting to consider termination. I went to my GP, mental health midwife, my manager…all to try and get some help.
Within the same week, i found bank statements and emails for pay day loans, thousands of pounds that he had transferred from credit cards into betting accounts and knew this was not going to be sorted any time soon. I kicked him out of the house and went through with a termination. I was devastated, not only for me but for my other 2 children. I was a failure and had let them down.
I asked his parents to help him but once i had the termination i was the evil woman and this was then all my fault. My resons for doing it all went out of the window and because i was a mess, i accepted that it was all my fault.
He managed to twist my mind and convince me that i had ruined the relationship and everything we had and i lost sight of why i had done what i did. I wanted him back, i wanted him to forgive me and tell me everything was going to be ok and that he still loved me?????????
I lost sight of all the lies, manipulation, betrayal of trust etc and wanted everything back to normal. I know this was because of how guilty i felt having the termination and the upset the children had been exposed to.
We got back together i was scared to mention the gambling becuause i knew he would turn it onto what i had done.
Eventually my hormones calmed down and i started to look again at the relationship and what was happening…the gambling was still there and managed to convince me to open an on-line account for him. He said i would be able to see what bets he had placed.
To be honest it was the best thing i could have done. I watched him whilst i was at work one day logged into the betting account. He betted crazy money over a short space of time, lost it, won some, bet some more…it was absolute chaos, crazy and frantic….i couldnt get my head round the speed at which it was all happening…it terrified me!
I went home that night and told him i was closing it, that i wanted nothing more to do with it and didnt want gambling in mine or the kids lives. He said it would stop-although i had read enough forums and experienced enough to know this wasn’t going to happen.
I could go on and on but basically it didn’t stop, he just got better at hiding it, still not paying his way and blaming the termination why he didn’t feel he could ‘commit’ to me by giving me money even though we were living together again. It just went on and on….until last month….
I found emails saying he had applied for more pay day loans and these had been transferred to his betting account, this was the final straw…i had tried to promote honesty, that i wouldn’t judge, that i would help him but i needed him to be truthful about getting loans for gambling. Obviously he didn’t tell me and i can’t say why but this was the final straw.
I kicked him out again a month ago and although it has been hard i can say this is it….during my time with him, i have been turned upside down and inside out, i have lost all my confidence in my ability to communicate my feelings, be assertive, make decisions, meet new people, be truthful to myself and to others and am just physically and mentally worn out. My appearance is shocking, ive lost too much weight, i can’t even go to the toilet properly because of anxiety.
I left the father of my children (ex husband)because he was addicted to smoking weed (all similar traits and effects to CG) and i did not want them to believe that living this type of life or watching thier mum being treat like a complete idiot was normal or acceptable.
Like my ex husband, i understand the problem is not with me or the type of wife/girlfriend/mother i was but it’s thier addiction and how they respond to it.
Bottom line is… i want more… i want to be loved and an equal, i want to look after someone and them look after me…a partnership…with my CG, i am another parent, looking out for them, managing, monitoring, cross referencing and worst of all this takes away precious time that i should be actually parenting my own children.
I think maybe because i was with my ex husband and went through so much more with his addiction, such as counselling, taking full responsibility for money and bills etc, that im reluctant to do it again and am not quite as tolerant. Maybe if i invested this time with my CG then the results may be different with him and he could recover. Unfortunately i am not prepared to do this and dont believe i have the strength to do it again.
If any of you are thinking it must be because i don’t love him as much or im stronger than you, then you are wrong…it’s because i have read enough information on these sites to know and accept i am not personally responsible for someone else’s happiness or addictive behaviour. I have read and forearmed myself with positive affirmations, researched co-dependency, cognitive behavioural therapy and looked into why i might attract these partners. This is still a long road for me too…
I am feeling stronger and focussed today and really wanted to share without being judged. I also wanted to say goodbye because i don’t want to keep gambling im my life unnecessarily (more advice on letting go of negative thoughts or associations).
If i can offer anything to anyone from my experiences, it would be….don’t be afraid to say you love someone, but you love yourself more, everyone has a choice :).
Good luck to you all, you are all brave and wonderful people xxx6 November 2014 at 2:18 pm #3555hope2014Participant
I’ve been blown away reading this. I only joined this site yesterday but I admire the fact that you are choosing your own happiness and that of your children.
I wish you nothing but good luck in the future, keep looking forward and never look back.
Your so right to say, you love someone but decided to love yourself more.7 November 2014 at 12:00 pm #3556
Thank you hope2014!
I think we as people find it difficult to put ourselves first and this can take a lot of getting used to. I also think, if i had not had the children that i would have probably stayed in this relationship a lot longer.
But i knew that by letting myself be dragged down,then i couldn’t be the parent i know i am.
Although i talk about putting myself first, it’s actually getting myself healthy and out of this relationship so i can be a positive role model to my children. It’s them who deserve the best in me and no-one else.
There is also a part of me that is tired of being tired. I want to have healthy relationships with my friends and do my job to the best of my ability. Living with a CG makes you tired, anxious and secretive. Your friends know something is wrong but you hide it from them, so they feel decieved too, like you dont trust them to confide in them, and that also damages that friendship.
My work has suffered because i have been pre-occupied and distant over the last 11 months and i feel sad about that too because that then damages your own self-esteem, feeling that you can’t do anything right…your a crap mother, girlfriend, employee etc.
I can’t tell you the relief i feel at the moment, although i have some bad days and want to hide under the duvet, i also feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (i didn’t feel like this immediately though).
Now i feel like i have my home back and there is no threat and walking on egg shells, i can concentrate on the children and meet thier needs without being distracted or pre-occupied with the latest drama…i just feel calm and settled…It’s a good feeling 🙂
Im also taking herbal remedies to boost my energy levels, trying to apply a bit of make up each day and cooking healthy meals for me and the children. I’m still on children’s portions sizes but my appetite is getting better.
It very much feels like im in recovery and i know this will take time, but like you say..i have to keep looking forward.
I also applied for a new job a while back and have a start date for December :). Im really looking forward to this, not because of the money (although it will help) or the new challenge as such…because i can go there without taking the history of gambling or this relationship with me….work know of my difficulties over the last year and i want to leave all that behind. I dont want to keep being the victim, becuase that is how they see me. I want to be me in my own right and not part of someone elses addiction.
I read your thread and we sound similar (particularly when i was married to my ex with drug misuse). I have one child of each sex and the things that ran through my mind at that time were this….
Do i want to show my daughter that this is how men treat women and this is what she is to expect and accept?
Do i want my son to learn that men (his dad) treat women in this way and will grow up believeing this is how he should treat women.
And finally….How can i as thier mother, keep letting them be pushed to one side becuase of the drugs/money and mood swings when all i want for them is to be happy and confident?
My children were 1 and 2 when i left my ex husband and they are growing up happy and confident (they 6 and 8 now).
Sometimes if you cant see things for yourself then maybe trying to look at why you had children and what you want for them might help you put things into perspective a little?
I know it’s easier to say this and easier still for me becuase i have done it.
Good luck hope2014 xxx7 November 2014 at 1:49 pm #3557
Just wanted to say a big well done to you, you gave it your best shot and you did what was best for your children and yourself.
I like you walked away having been through that mangle enough times and yes my children got dragged through it as well. I walked away a few times and went back until it was just that once too much.
I also believed I could never trust etc again so I deliberately took time out of relaitionships possibly through fear of maybe attracting another wrong person, I too had many days where I felt like hiding under the duvet and never coming out.
As your recovery goes on Hopeful and it takes a long time to be so damaged and longer possibly to recover from that damage, things will get better time is a great healer as they say.
Having said that I have had to work to build my life after addiction, time does heal but a recovery has to be worked as well. I deliberately went out with friends when I felt like not wanting to, put my make up on when I didn’t want to be bothered and cut myself a lot more slack than I had previously been doing.
I noticed that the more time I spent in good company and honest company the easier it was to see what I had become and to resolve that it would never happen again.
Its paid off for me as i’m sure it will for you, now I am in a brilliant relaitionship one which is just full of laughter and happiness and strangely with someone who I do manage to trust ( amazingly )
I have to say though I did go in to shock a few times initially when he bought me a few drinks ( a some what alien concept to me as i’m sure you can imagine) and at times I have had to work a bit to allow myself to be treated nicely without needing to be suspicious !! I guess I have just been so much more careful of who I let in to my life.
Hopeful I believe your experience will and has made you a stronger person and with the ability to go forwards in your recovery and use this experience to draw on in the rest of your life, then things will only get better.
I too have said my goodbyes on this forum ( several times ! ) mainly because I wanted to leave all thoughts of gambling behind and really that I had nothing left to contribute and now that I don’t always feel too right about being so happy on here – if that makes sense ?
I have however never been that far away and often still read without replying, now with more of a sense of objectivity than unhappy and sad memories and as a reminder as to where I don’t want to be !
I am really glad you’ve written that post, another success story although It may have not been the type of success you had in mind initially.
It shows that we too have choices and its down to us to make them, happiness is not found in the potential for someone else’s recovery it has always been within us it just takes for us to apply the same level of common sense to ourselves as we have tried to apply to our CGs.
I do hope that in months to come you may consider doing a little update ( I should update my own !), I feel like i’m saying goodbye before Hello ! but should you choose not to I would wish you and your children bucket fulls of happiness in your futures.
Jenny x8 November 2014 at 3:02 pm #3558twilight16Participant
I am a child of a cg who never owned up to his addiction, who never took it seriously, who only slightly admitted that he had a problem when he needed a bail out. When he was scared of being on the streets. He is the type of cg that run rampant in the world destroying the lives of spouses and children.
I lived with this addiction at a young age until my late 30’s. I was my father’s scapegoat, his biggest enabler and he left me with nothing but debts. This was done after he did the same to my mother. This is the reality of many whose parent is a cg in denail. I was used and abused by this addiction.
By placing your children’s best interest forth, you have spared them much anxiety, having to walk around eggshells around their father, have spared them from not being able to do what other children do because there is no money. Instead you are giving them every chance to live a normal and healthy life. You did it the first time by leaving their father at young ages, they will never know the true, cruel mannerism of their father’s drug addiction. Thanks to you and your stance for them not to ever believe they should be treated or treat someone the way your ex did. This world is tough enough, but having an addict in the house who has no desire to get help and continues to gamble regardless of how small it is, or do drugs, etc is setting the whole family for disaster. No one is perfect of course, but an addiction is never a character flaw, it is a chosen one. One that can be corrected if the desire to do so is within the addict and unfortunately not many have the desire to do so.
I can honestly say, I would have rather not known my father, than live the life I did for so many years. He did much damage to me emotionally and financially. I don’t hold grudges, but I am not stupid to ignore what he did. I am just thankful that it is over and I am finally living a joyful and happy life with my children. I see him occationally when I feel like it, and often when I leave, I cry because of the years I wasted, basically living in a world of anxiety covering his lies, helping him, being the loyal daughter. Because many said in his defense, he is your father. I realize what stupidity those words were, such hogwash. I should have cut ties with him after the few times I discovered he was lying. How my life and my mother’s life would have been better for it. But of course, that is neither here or there, but I have learned never to ever get on a sinking ship again. My daughter’s were not immune by this addiction, especially my oldest who is 13. However, they have learned what addiction is and to stay away from it.
You have made brave choices and they are ones many only can wish to do. I believe many who will read your words will find the courage and strength to follow their guts.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Twilight11 November 2014 at 10:04 pm #3559velvetModerator
How much I appreciated your post.
You do deserve to be loved and treated as an equal – hopefully soon you can turn the miserable experience you have had into something good for yourself and your children. You are strong even if you don’t feel it yet. In my opinion, if being a little less tolerant means learning to say ‘no’ then it is a good thing to learn – something that many of us have had to discover the hard way.
Please don’t waste energy thinking that if you had done things differently the results for the CG, who has turned your life upside down, might have been better – you surrounded yourself with knowledge and you made an informed decision – you could not have been fairer, especially with two young children to protect. I am glad that Twilight has written to you, she offers a unique insight into what it is like to be the child of a CG.
Of course no one could, or should, judge you and if there are those that try then take comfort from knowing that unasked for criticism says more about them than about you. Give yourself time to rebuild your self-esteem and regain your confidence. Don’t waste your time trying to make sense of the senseless but enjoy finding yourself again – you certainly should like the person you find, she sounds very special to me.
Thank you for your post, I am sure it will help others.
Velvet14 November 2014 at 11:55 am #3560
All your comments have been greaty recieved…trust me!
I’m still applying the make up and taking each day one at a time :).
I think something i haven’t touched on (what im experiencing at the moment) is a CG ability to manipulate.
We talk about how they do it when we are in the realtionship, lies, cheating etc but ive found that the art of maniupluation strengthens when we say no more!
My CG has said and done everything in his power these last 6 weeks to try ‘win’ me back and im left wondering if i am also part of addiction. I feel like he will stop at nothing, say everything, promise the world…almost like he’s now addicted to trying to get me back….does this make sense???
I’m not even convinced he wants me back, but it’s the losing that’s making him fight harder to make me back down.
I don’t know if im talking jibberish but wondered if anyone else has had this experience. He is in full flow at the moment and although i know break-ups can be hard, im wondering how long he will carry on for until he get’s distracted by a new interest.
I do believe he loves me, but i think his desire to not lose what he had, is stronger and this feels very confusing and hurtful.
Can someone please share thier experiences when this happens? I can’t talk to anyone else because although they try and be understanding, i don’t feel they understand how far CG are willing to go, to get what they want.
Hopeful28 xxx14 November 2014 at 1:45 pm #3561
I have been out of my relaitionship for over 12mths now but initially as had happened many times before, I faced a bombardment of texts and calls ranging from the I love you bit and i’ll never gamble again to the most horrible insults imaginable.
The minute I replied often in a moment of weakness or a moment of wanting to believe it just would all start up again. Even if my reply was a negative one it appeared to be received as – a “chance” almost like a child, bad attention was attention non the less.
I too thought of many possible reasons for this including some of those that you describe, was it enablement, chasing losses etc etc it was just something else to think about, something else to try and work out.
I put on my recent update that I had recently received a text when having reason to unblock my phone and I was a bit surprised that it was still happening. I know however exactly what could have happened if I had replied in any way, not a rekindling but a boat load of stress I don’t need or want.
I think the level of manipulation increases after a break up or is it just that we begin to see more clearly what has or is going on when the dust begins to settle? Either way its just so horrible to be in a relaitionship where we have to examine the motives for everything that is said – and even out of !
The only thing that worked for me was to have absolutely no contact at all, not to read the messages or listen to the calls, and later certainly not to respond in any way no matter how tempting it was. The minute that I did, my mind would be whirring the cogs grinding and it was too much like hard work.
I also think that the presence of all you describe are not the actions of the person in recovery but the gambling addiction in full flight trying every trick it knows, making it all far less believable. It is all designed to be confusing and hurtful to bring you down, to make you vulnerable, so it is little wonder that from time to time you are hurt.
Hopeful if your relaitionship is over and the door is shut then its best to keep it shut, slammed and bolted, even the smallest chink of light can show the addiction a way in such is its ability to manipulate.
I have no idea how long he will go on for or why but what I do know is its best not to feed the fire or it will continue to burn you. Carry on concentrating on you and try not to give him any avenues to make you start analysing what is happening. Its not worth it.
I think you know exactly what he is doing
Jenny14 November 2014 at 3:18 pm #3562
I know you are so right Jenny!
And as much as im trying to stay strong, there are times when im vulnerable and poof he seems to know and i get a message (often something really silly that he needs to know).
I wish i could say i dont know what he’s doing but your right i do…of course i do….i feel like i get one step ahead and he’s waiting there to knock me back.
I also know your right Jenny about no contact..ive blocked his number and he now uses another number…i need to block this too…and again your completely right when you say as soon as you open the door of communication, your letting all the stress and upset back in :(.
I still stand by my decision to end it, this has not changed but i needed to post because i was feeling a little overwhelmed by it and feel i can talk openly and honestly with you all.
He still doesn’t accept he has a problem or willing to do anything about gambling…he says he has stopped and thats the end of it…yeah right….but again this is him trying to do and say anything that will get me to take him back.
I feel i have been so stupid allowing any contact 🙁 x14 November 2014 at 8:01 pm #3563nomore 56Participant
Hi Hopeful, I like your username, you have every reason to be hopeful! I think you are on the right path having made the decision to distance yourself from the addiction, especially for the kids. I wish I had done the same thing when I found out about my hb gambling. I decided that my marriage was over when he was convicted of embezzlement and sentenced to a yr in prison. Unfortunately we were not able to separate physically because of our financial situation. He, too, acted like it was all my fault, that I was the cruel one for not supporting him, blah, blah, blah. The addiction needs a safe place to run its course undisturbed. A place to come home to, a bed to sleep in, food, laundry done etc. Otherwise the person in its grip is inconvenienced. Let’s not change anything, let’s just pretend we can continue life as usual. Let’s make some promises, let’s mouth some lies and for heaven’s sake, no changes. That’s just the way I see it looking back now. I also think that maybe your hb got a first glimpse now of what the addiction is doing to him. Very uncomfortable indeed. So he tries everything he can to restore his comfort zone. Some sort of panic might set in and the fear that he has to face the ugly truth. If he can get u back, there is hope that he can have both, his family and his addiction. I still remember the ugly emails and phone calls I got at work. The feeling of anxiety and fear because he always kept me on the leash by threatening to take away the money I needed to survive with our daughter. And other things I could not risk, like my health insurance. Bad contact was better than no contact. Stay strong, block every number in the book and if you have to, limit contact to a divorce lawyer. Things will get better with time. When you have reached a point where you have peace of mind and can think more clearly, you will be able to withstand his “attacks” more confidently. Until then, everything that he says is just white noise. And as long as he makes no attempt to accept and fight his addiction, stay away. Anywho, just my point of view from where I stand now after decades of letting my life be destroyed piece by piece.14 November 2014 at 8:49 pm #3564
I don’t think you should feel stupid at all for allowing the contact, we can only learn as we go along, in often the most adverse of circumstances. There is nothing stupid about trying to make sense of what we later see as the senseless.
Hopeful if you are stupid, then you are not on your own, I would be right up there with you, going on the amount of times that I allowed the addiction, its lies and manipulation to re enter my life, only days/weeks later to discover that it was of course exactly the same and often worse.
I used to get these horrible gut feelings that I was being spun a yarn but at the same time wanted to believe that this time it would be all true.
Every time I believed I seemed to become a little more vulnerable until I had long enough too see it for what it actually was.
It is a painful fact to face that what is being said is just a cruel act of manipulation. It is much harder to know that love exists but cannot be because addiction has planted itself well and truly in the middle. Your CG may well love you it may not be all a complete lie but none the less he is gripped by something that kills off feelings on both sides until eventually it is just too late and the damage is horrendous
You will have done all you can have done to point him in the right direction and to have supported him should he have wanted to change, probably like most of us having done way too much than what was good for you and probably him to.
You’ve been through a hell of a lot and made some very tough decisions and after all of that he maintains there is no problem ! I think that says it all really.
I think the good thing is that now you are going forward, you know and can recognise the tactics and as hurtful as it is, you know the level of manipulation that is going on and that knowledge will stand you in good stead in the coming weeks.
Please don’t put yourself down for falling for it or not always being strong enough not to get sucked in, we’ve all been there.
Keep posting, keep blocking !! and you will get stronger and your more vulnerable moments will get less, concentrate on you and what is good for you, enjoy the company of others that do not want to take from you and who make you feel good about yourself, it goes a long way
Jenny20 November 2014 at 3:30 pm #3565
Thank you for your kind words on my post, its appreciated. Being in between, on reflection was one of the most difficult phases for me. The deep down feeling that it was never going to work, that all trust was destroyed and just generally feeling emotionally unsafe around him. At the same time, not wanting to really believe that love could not conquer all and the guilty feeling that I was deserting a sinking ship.
I have been through many phases where I have been unable to post or have felt like to continue to post was almost prolonging my own agony, I guess it was the rawness of it all at the time. Worse still I suppose that now I had changed my views on how I had handled certain things and began to form opinions on what I could have done differently then that sometimes led to a thought that maybe it could work and that I feel was unsafe for me.
Now I feel more able to post now and again and try to remember those who posted to me at times when they to were going through hell.
I think the only thing that really moved me out of the in between phase was a concerted effort to practice what I had learned, in particular the temptation to stay in, not to socialise, these were things that I felt like doing but had learned were not good for me.
I had to force myself to look up my friends, go out, get into better routines at home, focus on the boys etc, none of it came easily and seemed like hard work
Slowly it worked and I now practice even now the art of continuing to look after me. The more time I spent in the company of nice, funny uncomplicated people the more it hit home to me just how wrong everything had been and that had almost become my normal.
I guess as we go forward we realise what is really important, chasing the ever illusive recovery of another or making the most of what we actually have and what is tangible and the knowledge that the way to change the situation may mean that we sometimes have to make painful decisions in order to gain a better future.
I could not go back now even if I wanted to, it is no longer within me to do it and I have no desire, I often wonder what I was doing there in the first place or whether I had a knock on the head at some stage.
Hopeful you may feel in between right now but filling this void up with things, if you can, leaves far less empty spaces for sadness until eventually there will be no room left for it at all.
You will get to the other side and I’m sure you will be a different and stronger person when you get there to when you started your journey. It takes time but also a good deal of effort in times when we find it easier just to hide from the world.
I think when the decision is made then sometimes it is a case of ploughing ahead regardless even though its more like a snow plough in a bad blizzard !!
Any way thanks again for your post and keep at it, one foot in front of the other, in your own time.
Jenny x3 December 2014 at 7:17 pm #3566daddaParticipant
Your story makes me realize a lot and I am thankful and glad you shared it. I truly wish you all the best for your future. A lot of what you said resonated with me; I too felt like a failure, was made to feel “to blame” for all of the relationship problems. I’ve felt particularly “stupid” because I was in my late 20s and consciously and deliberately tried to choose a partner who shared my values and faith, not just base things on stuff that doesn’t last/matter. Probably because I lost my mother and a dear stepmother through divorce while growing up and wanted my children to NOT go through similar.
Even though things are tough right now, I hope you an take some heart. I joined another support group on-line before I knew exactly what was going on, and didn’t find that one (for people with personality disordered partners) until going through many on-line forums, describing what sounded “crazy” and getting very little response from other members. What could they say? If I didn’t KNOW that what happened had, I would have thought the (my) situation was “made up” or exaggerated … or something. Sometimes, it still makes my head spin to think that some of what happened/is happening is even POSSIBLE. When you said you went to professionals for help, I can only imagine what that was like, if my own experience is any indication.
Twilight talking about her situation, too … since I have two daughters whom he got custody of earlier on … because he could control them and they were worth money, til they graduated from high school … he successfully convinced “professionals” that I really was not only a “nut” but a drug addict to boot (taking meds prescribed by doctor for 3 weeks) and I lost years with my children, as well as most of my assets and confidence … my career, more than once. He successfully got me to divorce him by threatening me with (permanent) involuntary commitment … I even thought or about half so, that I must or might be crazy.
I didn’t realize until doing some research, that people with CG often have other problems, including sometimes personality disorders, that make it harder to face their own problems but their involvement/responsibility as well. There is a great site, bullyonline.org, I believe that talked about how and why targets might be chosen. When we get bullied and otherwise get so much negativity from CG, it seems over time to erode confidence and even our correct perceptions. I didn’t realize how much I retreated into somewhat a daydream world, reading fiction and such, where I found “life” and a way to cope, over the years. I didn’t realize that I not only had so much untapped potential, but that I actually was an excellent wife, mother, nurse and etc. Like any other person, I was not perfect, but those small imperfections and insecurities I had were magnified all out of proportion to their reality. I realized that I had then become more dependent on him and his opinions of me rather than more accurate reflections from the results of my efforts, other people and so on.
Even though you are probably somewhat scared about money and the like and probably still healing, I think you still have made the very best choice. Especially since he came on so fast with the negatives. I can’t pay any of the bills right now other than immediate ones, like rent and groceries … utilities. And am going to be sharing expenses with my younger daughter. Both of us have been devastated, both financially and at times emotionally. She more so because she confronted the issues and has basically now been cut off by half her family; I know that has to hurt no matter how it’s sliced. But in the long run, she is better off without people who don’t care about her, reality or even in reality, her father (they enable). And I have my “bad” days and I think I am going through a lot.
But being divorced from this CG in past and learning that the only “mental issues” I have ever had were directly related to my “relationship” with him/his relatives … wow! I finally realized I had been injured, with PTSD, and not surprising when someone you are supposed to be able to trust … I made a new career and was doing as well as before all the stuff started.
I think you likely have a LOT of potential and strength within you and often, we look to professionals first … when we start finding out what the truths are, we start becoming quite capable of becoming experts (even if unrecognized) in aspects that no professionals around us are. And when I eliminate the finances, it is VERY CLEAR that nothing has changed about me, or even the situation. I am still a responsible person and someone who takes my word, promises and obligations seriously. Even the Court orders and shenanigans he and his relatives have played, enabling them to destroy any hope of settlement from the divorce, don’t change REALITY. So the Court and people in it are easily fooled … I’m not, any longer. And it REALLY SUCKS at times, to have to explain to people or scrounge around for information about a situation I didn’t create, but hey, I have at least survived (even with no credit) over a year, learned to do repairs on my car and so on. Not all peaches and cream, but there are also people who care and help, and I am very thankful to them and for them.
My guess is that if you move forward without expecting financial support of any kind, you will likely be surprised in future, to find out how far you can go. I got bogged in costly Court proceedings for years just to see our children and that is how I ended up going back and part of the reason my finances got so hard to manage. If you have your children and your sanity, you can get your confidence and potential back and other good things will follow. I kept a journal and it seemed to take forever, but it finally happened that my efforts started having results … and it was “a gusher” when it finally broke.
Again, best wishes and keep your chin up! Thank you VERY MUCH for sharing, because it has also helped me a great deal. I hope, too, that you will also update as to how you are doing in future. I will be thinking of you and remembering you.22 June 2019 at 1:56 am #3567PurpledublinParticipant
These posts are old but so much of what you have said hits me hard. I’m in the in between place. Knowing we don’t have a future because of his addiction but loving him so much that I want to believe it will just work out okay. How are you now?? How did he turn out? I always fear that when I end things he will get it right for someone else.
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