Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)
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  • #5858
    frankie06
    Participant

    Hi caribbean blue,

    My cg bf is exactly the same but when i say no to lending money he threatens me that he will leave and not give me any money for bills. This gets me really upset all of the time. I’m on egg shell with him all the time. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth due to him texting me and saying he will stop that we will get through this together….two days later asking to borrow money and saying he has a new addiction of playing poker which is really the same thing, gambling!!!
    I got my hopes up a lot and he did at one point call gordon moody but they rang back to say for him to call back but e never did and so he carries on….
    I honestly dont know how long i can keep living through this as well as my son.
    I wanted another child as well a sibling for my son but i wonder if i could cope with the stress and mood swings from him. I have wanted marriage for a long time but keep going over in my mind is that a wise decision?
    I cant seem to get forward its a losing battle and im stuck in it.
    Thinking of u and when you feel down remember you are not alone.
    Frankie

    #5859
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi CB
    The subject of enablement has a few grey areas so I am hoping you can tell me a little more about this gas situation.
    Does he give you money when he is paid to cover his expenses or does he believe that what is his is his and when he no longer has any money you are the money tree he turns to cover the hole in his finances?
    Does he he earn enough to pay for his gas to and from his place of work, his food, the roof over his head, etc. if he doesn’t gamble?
    If he is gambling the money he requires to commute to work and then you pay for his gas then I would say that is enablement. If he is unable to meet his gas bill for one month because he has other household expenditure and you can see that he is genuinely getting in a fix then I believe that going with him to the gas station and actually paying for the gas without giving him any cash is not enablement.
    I know that CGs survive well even when they say they are going to lose their jobs etc because they can’t get to work and it is all your fault regardless of the fact that they have actually gambled the money away. This is the difficult time and I fully appreciate how hard this is for you but figuring it out for himself is the best thing he can do.
    I certainly couldn’t and wouldn’t judge you for ‘lending’ your husband 20 for gas following persistent badgering, one would have to be a saint to hold out against some of the emotional blackmail one can feel. Maybe you could ask him for the receipt for the gas so that you didn’t have the worry that money is being wasted when you can’t afford it. A CG going into rehab has to produce receipts as part of learning to handle money and to show willingness to wanting to control their addiction.
    Hope all this makes sense
    Speak soon
    Velvet

    #5860
    vera
    Participant

    There is a fine line between helping and enabling.
    I accept the fact that I am a CG.
    I need to be aware that I am also an enabler!
    Enabling is a difficult habit to break, depending on how close you are to the CG or how dependent you are on him/her for your own emotional security.
    You are doing all the right things, it seems.
    Providing help (in your case buying gas) when the CG should be able to handle this task without help, is in my opinion,enabling.
    Good intentions often lead to misguided actions. I say this both as a CG who demanded enablement and as an enabler.
    We need to reflect deeply to identify our enabling behaviour and why we do it.
    If you resent your actions, do them out of fear, or carry on in the absence of appreciation I would think you are enabling, not helping the CG.
    It is a complex situation . We need to weigh up the consequences of short term pain versus long term misery.
    Take it one day at a time CB. You are an intelligent lady. You will learn the difference between enabling and helping as time goes on.
    Enabling is not just about financing the CG. It also involves time, emotional drainage and allowing him to place the onus on you for tasks he should be taking responsibility for himself.
    CGs are experts when it comes to deflection and projection.
    You are making wonderful progress.
    Well done!

    #5861
    caribbean blue
    Participant

    It has been awhile since I have posted. Things were going pretty good. My husband had cut back on his gambling not totally quit though. He was contributing every payday and had found a balance on his own to pay for his own gas and not have too much pocket change between pay days. He would give me money for groceries and to pay against the debt.

    We went to his daughters high school graduation out of town a few months ago and he worked overtime to get the extra money needed. Something has changed the past two months though. He is back to gambling his whole check in a couple of days and not coming home. Avoiding me of course.

    I have changed a lot in the past year and see my growth but I find my patience is thin and I will not tolerate the same things as last year. Two months has been too much for me this year and I told him so. Not going back to that again.

    I said he needed to decide if he wanted to gamble or be married and he said marriage but I see now that I should have worded that different. He would not actually pick gambling and say that to my face.

    He told me yesterday that he went to a meeting but we have yet to talk about it as yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner and we were with company shortly after he arrived home.

    I totally don’t believe that he went and feel bad thinking that but he does lie and he knows I am at my wits end.

    The talk will be tonight though. Its a hard road and don’t 100% know if I have the strength to do this.

    #5862
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Blue
    I am relieved that you knew you could return when your husband did not embrace a full gamble free life.
    I don’t know of a compulsive gambler who has successfully ‘cut back’ on his addiction for any great length of time. Your husband appears to have tried to manage his addiction rather than accept it.
    Many compulsive gamblers can stop betting for money for varying lengths of time but continue making mind bets which they may not admit to unless specifically asked. Some abstinent gamblers keep a check on what abstinence has saved or cost them but abstinence is not recovery. Mind bets are not an uncommon way for a CG to ‘stay in action’. However such thinking and any reduced gambling only serves to keep the action alive in the head of the gambler which given the right circumstances will blast free again with often devastating results.
    ‘If’ your husband did go to a meeting, he may be reluctant to talk about it – meetings are eye-openers and he may not have liked what he saw and heard – many CGs return home and say “well I’m not as bad as him or her”. One the other hand it is possible that he got a lot of food for thought which he needs to process himself before raising your hopes.
    Please be prepared if you do lay down the gauntlet of ‘marriage or gambling’. Know yourself what this could mean to you and whether or not you can go through with it. Compulsive gamblers are the masters of threats and recognise an empty threat as a green light to carry on gambling.
    Please keep posting – gamblers do lie but they can also turn their lives around, learn to tell the truth and live gamble-free, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here.
    Velvet

    #5863
    caribbean blue
    Participant

    Hi It has been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks. I have additional stress from family and my job so the issue with my husband can put me over the edge.

    My husband actually spoke to a counsellor not actually went to a group meeting. His friend goes to AA and he referred him. My husband does not have a drinking problem but the counsellor spoke to him anyway. My husband said he will not go again and did not talk much about it and seemed defensive. I did not push it as eventually he may talk about it.

    Last night we spoke again about his problem and he did open up a bit more and what I got from the conversation is he is very depressed and just does not seem hopeful. He seems to think the money he makes is not enough even if he works overtime it won’t help to pay off the debt he owes. He has this time table to pay things off and it is not realistic. He wants a quick fix.

    I offered to go to couples counselling with him and even talked about hotlines and online help but he seems to think no one will be able to help him and he is the only one that can help himself. Not sure how to help him from here.

    #5864
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Blue

    All the things your husband listed are typical of a person suffering with the addiction to gamble but often not admitted.

    The compulsion to gamble does cause depression – by its sheer nature of constant failure it cannot bring happiness.

    The compulsion to gamble usually results in debt which causes depression. Your husband cannot see an end to the debt his gambling has caused but sadly his answer is to gamble more causing his debt and depression to multiply..

    An active compulsive gambler is emotionally immature. He is unrealistic about a time-table to clear his debts because he will only see gambling as his answer.

    The compulsion to gamble takes time to grow into something that feels insurmountable – it stands to reason, therefore, that it takes time to undo the damage and become gamble-free – there is no quick or easy fix. Everything that he has said is understood here and everything he has said has a solution. What he does not appear to be understanding yet is that he can control his addiction, he can live gamble-free, he can become debt-free, he need not be depressed.

    I suspect your husband didn’t like what he heard from the AA counsellor. He was probably frightened by what he thinks he has to do and what he has to give up to live gamble-free. I remember being brought up short when the CG in my life told me how daunting ‘forever’ looked without his addiction. As non-CGs we can move on from the gambling experience and recover our lives completely but a CG cannot. Your husband will always be a CG but he can control his addiction and have a wonderful life – I know because I have seen and heard it done often. Many F&F and CGs make something not only good but better out of their lives as a result of living through the bad experience.

    All this depends, of course, on your husband wanting to take control of his life and not be controlled by an addiction. I think it might be a good idea to tell him what you are learning on this site and in particular the message that comes from CGs who do live in control of their addiction – ‘facing the addictive gambling addiction is not something to tackle alone’, if it was so it would be documented on this site. Personally, I have never heard of a CG maintaining a gamble-free life without support.  it is hard to get a CG to hear what they do not want to hear so pick your times when he is more ready to listen and never in the middle of an argument.  

    I appreciate that you have other problems causing you stress but I am sure it would help if you could handle your joint finances. Many CGs do not like this as they feel they are being treated like children but most CGs who want to live gamble-free accept that this is one of the best ways forward for them. It isn’t a punishment, it is an amazing tool and it can make all the difference.

    I am concerned that you feel you are tipping over the edge so I really hope you will keep posting. Look after your job and your other family worries first; your husband’s addiction is looking after him at the moment. Your health is more important because without it you will not be able to cope with any of your concerns.

    Try and imagine that all your worries are a daunting pile of pieces in a giant jig-saw puzzle – what do you worry about first? By taking one piece at a time and dealing with it before picking up the next, the pile of worries gets smaller and you can begin to make sense of the whole picture. Worrying about problems all day long doesn’t solve anything. Try and have some ‘me’ time every day. I know this is one of the latest ‘in’ expressions but it does help.

    Just as your husband will have to do when he faces his addiction, it is important that you just take one day at a time – you can do no more.

    I hope some of this helps Blue but ask me anything and I will do my best for you

    Speak soon Velvet

    #5865
    caribbean blue
    Participant

    Hi

    Part of my issue is that I have no control over what he does and if he ends up helping with the bills. It is hard for me. The feeling of hopelessness.

    I do have control over our bills and everything is in my name. My credit is still good but I am at the point now that I really just want to start paying down my credit card bills. We could do it so quick if he would help out. Living month to month is tight if he does not chip in but I can get by. The thing is I don’t want to just get by any more. I want to get ahead and move on from this spot we are in.

    I did go to my doctor and have changed a few things in my life and they seem to be helping. It is a hard road though and my emotions go up and down.

    I am just so impatience right now.

    #5866
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi CB
    I am concerned that it is only you that is trying to do something about the way things are for you both – your husband doesn’t seem to be making any effort to live gamble-free. I would like to take you back to an earlier post by Vera where she makes the following points
    “ Good intentions often lead to misguided actions. I say this both as a CG who demanded enablement and as an enabler.
    We need to reflect deeply to identify our enabling behaviour and why we do it.
    If you resent your actions, do them out of fear, or carry on in the absence of appreciation I would think you are enabling, not helping the CG.
    It is a complex situation . We need to weigh up the consequences of short term pain versus long term misery.
    Take it one day at a time CB. You are an intelligent lady. You will learn the difference between enabling and helping as time goes on.
    Enabling is not just about financing the CG. It also involves time, emotional drainage and allowing him to place the onus on you for tasks he should be taking responsibility for himself.
    CGs are experts when it comes to deflection and projection.”
    At the moment, you are in a position of control, your credit is good and you are able to control your own life.
    Are you saying you have control over the bills because you are paying them without your husband chipping in – because if this is so, why would your husband bother to curb his addiction when you are managing so well?
    Maybe you should be saying ‘I will not pay your bills unless you actively tackle your addiction’ and mean it.

    It seems to me and forgive me if I am not reading this right – ‘you don’t just want to get by, you want to move on’ but you are perhaps hoping that you will be able to do so even while your husband gambles, hopefully less. Sadly things will not improve unless your husband actively seeks change – the addiction to gamble gets worse, never better, it requires treatment and it thrives on enablement.
    Don’t be impatient, be positive and tough – you do not have to allow his addiction to rule whether or not you just get by or not. Be strong, I can hear you can do it.
    Velvet
    You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results – Mahatma Gandi

    #5867
    caribbean blue
    Participant

    Hi I don’t enable my husband anymore. 100% of the household bills are in my name so I will pay them no matter what. The credit card debt is on my cards so I have to at least make the minimum payments. I am not going to not pay a bill to make a point to him as it is my credit. I don’t give him money for the personal bills that are in his name. If he doesn’t pay them, they don’t get paid or he borrows from his friends. I can manage on my own meaning pay bills, my gas and my food. His wage would help so much to get those bills paid down so much quicker. I’m impatient in waitng for him to say he is going to get some help. I don’t see too many options. We stay together and wait for him to want help or ask him to leave. 

    #5868
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Blue
    You are not enabling and the credit card debt is yours so I think that your options are as you said – stay together and wait for him to hurt enough to seek help (while you feel the pinch because I suspect he will never contribute) or ask him to leave – it is a sad choice methinks but it has to be yours.
    The only other thing I can suggest is an intervention meeting with friends and family where the dangers of his behaviour are pointed out to him and he is informed that all enablement is going to cease. This only works, of course, when everybody understands enough to speak as one voice.
    What I do urge you to do is to ensure that ‘your’ life is full of friends and the things that please you – so many of us get so wrapped up in the addiction that we lose our own dreams and ambitions and it is harder to start again – I speak as one who knows this long and lonely road. It is easy to let months and years roll by in constant hope of change but a compulsive gambler needs those around him to be pliable so please be careful and look after you.
    Keep posting and hopefully gaining knowledge of his addiction. I wish I could tell you that if you did a, b or c it would make him stop gambling but there is no magic formula. I do believe it helps to share though and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
    Velvet

    #5869
    bjmice
    Participant

    Here is an expert from my journal in 2006, I am constantly telling myself that I am going to quit, it has been 12 years still struggling day to day, last few months have been a lot of lies and deception, desperation and now late car payments and bill collectors calling me. Last night I gambled till 4am, today at work on time at 8am,  3 hours sleep. Time is what is hurting the most. I like what you said about the mind still wanting to ***** bets. Here is a quick journal entry from years ago:

    11-30-06
     
    I still cannot shake the gambling addiction. Again, I  ended up at the OAKS card club for the past Tuesday night I stayed up until 4am. On Monday I was up until 4am getting my ass kicked online playing on bodog.com. I signed up and got an online ac*****. So I lost $500 dollars online and this was with a credit card Purchase! ouch! Anyways, I have to figure out a way to quit, this is just not good to keep playing like this, it’s causing me to not have any sleep. I am getting in too deep with $30-$60. I have these dreams of grandeur, that I can go to Vegas and play like a pro and make a living playing cards. It’s just really ridiculous. However, it is compelling at the same time. I have a shot just like anyone else. I just need to know when to stop playing in the session, after I’ve won for awhile I end up going nutz and playing the wrong hands and start losing the money back. I am able to do really well, then I end up giving the money back. For example, tuesday night I was up about $2000.00 and it was only 11:30pm and I wanted to cash out. I was tired. I’d only slept for 6 hours in the past two days. However, I stayed and someone else got on a rush and killed everyone at the table; as well as my stacks started to go down. At that point, I started to go on “Tilt” and then it was over. I was in complete Tilt mode and could not stop until I busted out my ac*****. I lost the $2,000 and then the bankroll I brought that day $1700  dollars.Then dipped into any funds I could muster until my bankcards told me that I had “insufficient funds”. Totally tapped out and depressed, dejected and frustrated with my actions, and it has to do with my emotional state of mind. how tired I was, no sleep, a lot of factors. It’s really just terrible and I don’t see a way out sometimes. I just need to quit -it’s probably destroying my life.

    Even with these journals working as letters from myself to the addicted gambler, I keep going on and off the wagon, trying to quit. It is very difficult and each day is a victory, I can only try to not gamble today…

    #5870
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi CB

    It would be great to get an update

    You are in my thoughts

    Velvet

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