[lizbeth4]

I’m starting my new thread earlier than I had anticipated. I’ve had 1 counseling session. Thankfully, I was able to get in quickly due to a cancellation. There is only one place in town that I can go. My counselor seems nice. I’m not sure if we click or not. It’s too early for me to determine. I’m not holding back! I feel like this is the first time that I have been totally truthful and not sugar coated anything. My insurance will pay for 16 sessions. Which I am grateful for. I’ve decided to only buy Xmas gifts for the Grandkids. No adult presents. Everyone agrees. This makes it more stress free. I’d rather give gifts to my children for their birthdays. So I’m still fighting! Not giving in. I am very hopeful!!!

[lizbeth4]

I am a worrier! Big time and about everything. I put a lot of stress on myself. Unrealistic expectations!!! Worrying takes away your peace and doesn’t change anything. I need to have faith! Whatever happens is going to happen. So, I am doing relaxation exercises and meditating again. I cause a lot of my own stress. I have to keep working on this!

[finding_laura]

Very happy to see your new thread! And that you are trying something different. Sometimes we just get stuck I think and if what you were doing wasn’t working then trying something different like adding counseling that is just for you is a great step. There’s different sayings or quotes about worry, but I like this one. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy” – Leo Buscaglia There are many takes on it so I’m sure you’ve heard it before. I’m not a big worrier. I’m more fly by the seat of my pants a little too much. But if i start to worry about something that I cannot change I’m pretty good at letting it go. Now stewing about things in anger or resentment, now that is something I’m very good at. Took up too much of my head space. I need to start meditating. Today’s feel good activity is going to be a walk in the woods with my old faithful. Her days are numbered and walking is getting harder for her but she loves it and it’s good for both of us. I AM really happy to see you here Liz and you’re not giving up! You deserve to be happy and as stress free as possible. Have a great weekend. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post. Have a good walk! I felt stuck and that nothing was working. This feels like a new start! I’ve imposed many of my stressors on myself. I want to be true to myself. Honestly, the stress in my life has taken a toll on me! I’ve aged so much in the last few years. I don’t think I am living for the present. I’m lost! I need to let go of my expectations of other people or I will always be disappointed. I have a lot to learn and work on. Today I’m getting my Xmas tree and decorations out. I have so much stuff. I’m going through it all and selling what I don’t use. Tomorrow my Granddaughter is having her pics taken with Santa. It will be fun!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
When I read on Laura’s thread that you were closing your old thread I went rushing to write on there . I am so glad you opened a new thread – Christmas creates such pressure so it is a great decision to just buy for the grandkids .

The counselling also sounds like a great decision- as Laura says it’s good to add something new .

I am so glad you are here posting – I have been on this site for many years and I love catching up on your thread.
Please let us know how the counselling goes – I haven’t ever really tried counselling since I developed this addiction .

So glad to see you still posting Lizbeth .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I’ve done counseling before for my gambling but I didn’t follow though. I agree with Laura, it’s good to add something new. If it doesn’t work, you can try something else. Today I was put to the test. My youngest Daughter was venting to me about someone. I listened, although my first reaction was to try and fix it. She asked for my opinion and I told her she needed to clear the air with that person and try to work things out. I wasn’t stressed or worried about how I could fix the situation. A biggie for me! I have pulled out all of my Xmas decorations and have everything scattered about my living room. I’m going to get the tree up and decorated this evening. A lot to do!

[kathryn]

I’ve missed everything! I have been in a bit of a funk since my trip. I’ve found it very hard to get back into my normal routine and I’m sorry, it seems you have been going through an awful lot and I wasn’t here to support you. But…..here I am now.
Unrealistic expectations…..the story of my life.
I have spent my life being dissapointed, heartbroken, sad, mad, you name it.
I could never understand why people would treat me a certain way, because I would never treat them that way.
I haven’t learnt much, and still struggle with this but what I have learnt is the only person I can change is me, and I am the owner of my own happiness. This has helped to a degree, and I’m getting better at it.
I’m glad you are going to councilling, and I truly wish that it helps you find what you need to be happy in this life.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I’m glad you had a great vacation. You deserve it! You have been my Great supporter here!! I truly appreciate it! I’m feeling a bit low today! There are some things (self imposed) that I am dealing with right now. I know I will get through this and come out better than before. I know I’m in control of my own happiness. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. Today, my Granddaughter is getting her picture taken with Santa. Fun! I’m trying to live in the moment.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
I hope you enjoy picture time. They grow so fast. It’s good to be there and not missing the memory making. I hope she doesn’t cry! I have a quiet few hours before supper so I’m going to do a little reading and posting before supper. We can’t control what life throws at us, we can only control how we react to it. Keep working on your happiness Liz. Laura

[maverick.]

Lizbeth I am so very glad you have started a new thread, I know I havent posted much over the last few months but I read everyday………sometimes I really want to share but I havent been in a great place over the last few months so have decided to stay quite.

I hope you are doing well and like I say I am so very glad you have started a new thread, please make sure you always stay around as this site is a great way to share how we feel……and guess what if people say things about us we dont agree with then thats great because “what other people think about us is their problem not ours”

Really good to see you Lizbeth as always and wish u well my friend, hope this finds you well and remember we can only ever take our lives one day at a time!

All my very best

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and Maverick for your posts. She did cry when getting her pics taken with Santa. Just like her Mom did. I’m struggling this afternoon. My Mother and I just had the worse blow out. She became aggressive while I was holding my Granddaughter. She told me to get out and never come back. She tried to hit me! It’s not Alzheimer’s as she has been like this all of my life. I’m done!

[lizbeth4]

I made it through the gambling urges. I have my Xmas tree decorated and I’m in my PJs watching TV. So there’s no gambling for me! I reread a article about toxic and dysfunctional family members. It helped! It’s so draining and if I let it, I will be destroyed. It’s just sad as our birthdays and Xmas is coming up. There has always been a underlying anger that she has against me. There’s no discussing it as she gets defensive and mad. I’m no angel as I have said many awful things in return to her outbursts. Well it’s done! I feel terrible that it happened but I am going to distance myself again. I’m so envious of people who have close relationships with their Mothers. It should be like that!!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
you are right. It should be like that. I can’t believe your mother raised her hand to you. And with a baby in your arms as well! That would be terribly upsetting. No wonder you have to keep your distance most of the time. I’m glad you found a way to cope with the feelings other than gambling! Thanks for letting us know you made out ok. You can control your actions or reactions not her behaviour. Keep going know that you are doing the best you can with the circumstance you have been given. Good night Liz

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for checking in on me. I’m ok. Just snacking and watching TV. I’m going to be alright. I’m happy that I haven’t gambled to cope. I know that some of the dysfunction has rubbed off on me. How could it not when I grew up in that mess? I have to keep working on me! It’s sad and horrible!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m watching my Granddaughter. I feel so sad and broken inside. How did things end up like this? Yesterday a lot of mean things were said between my Mother and I. Some of it was true and some was said out of anger. This really puts the damper on Xmas. My oldest Daughter and I aren’t on the greatest of terms. I would like to call everything off except for my Grandson. What to Do? When I stopped being the doormat for my family, many of my relationships changed. I haven’t gambled. I’m staying strong!

[finding_laura]

Oh Liz 🙁 so hard. It seems like such a normal thing to want a good relationship with your mother and daughter.
Sometimes people are just a little broken. Either in how they are made up mentally or due to their circumstances. And as much as we’d like to fix them we can’t. There is a always a possibility that they may chose to work on themselves. Again we can’t force that issue. So as horrible as it makes you feel, setting some boundaries is healthy for you.
If you feel you said some things to your mother you shouldn’t have maybe an apology is in order. But only you know if that will stir the pot. You will likely not get one back from what you have said but sometimes we just have to forgive them! For your own sanity and know that you are forgiven too, if by no one else than yourself!
Rambling a little so hope that makes sense. Change is scary Liz! But being stuck is worse.
take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. What you say makes sense. I tried to apologize for the angry things I said to her. To no avail. I’m going to give myself till next Monday to decide whether I’m having Xmas at my house. I’d rather be alone than to deal with conflicts. I think I am broken in many ways. I want to grow and change. I don’t want to stay stuck. I’ve set boundaries but I need to set more! I’m invited to a Xmas party tomorrow evening. I’m looking forward to it and meeting new people. My Granddaughter is sleeping. Such a beauty and so sweet. I have a lot of blessings in my life! I can’t lose sight of that.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
My mind boggles when I think how you adapt to so many generations .
Some people have the ability to press our buttons ( as u will have seen in my recent dealings on here lol)… and it is easy not to react when you are not in the middle of it- another story when it’s you getting the abuse and especially from your own flesh and blood . Then things can get very hot and and many knees jerk reactions happen. Don’t punish yourself – your mum and you obviously love each -if it helps you to say sorry then do so – you are right about boundaries – no one has the right to judge us or say unkind things – that doesn’t stop them though and then it’s a great idea to strengthen boundaries .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. Since she won’t talk to me, I’ve send her a card. I apologized for acting out of anger. I kept it short. It may mean nothing to her but now I feel like I have a free conscious. It’s a vicious cycle. If I keep my distance she gets upset. If I try to talk to her, she gets defensive and digs up anything bad to throw at me. When she apologizes she says if I’ve done anything wrong I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean anything. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member and she refuses to acknowledge it although she knew about it afterwards. That among other heavy things from my childhood I believe fuel my anger. There is no compassion, empathy from her. She says, if that happened, I’m sorry. My feeling can’t be dismissed. My Sister is 5 years younger than me and remembers these awful things. Thankfully, they were not done to her, except for my Mom’s 4 dysfunctional marriages that we endured. Nothing she can say will stop the bad feelings but to always be dismissed is sad. This is something that I am working on in counseling. I don’t want to have guilt when she dies that I couldn’t forgive her. I don’t want my life screwed up anymore with the gambling. No more self destructive behaviors.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
Many people find it hard to admit when they are wrong – I guess it’s a character fault – or maybe a defence mechanism- because to admit it once might open the floodgates – and perhaps we would have to admit to ourselves how we have failed as mothers or in other relationships .
Sometimes I feel like that – I can’t bear to think about how my gambling has affected my son- but I know it has but if I allowed myself to go there -I don’t know if I could stop the guilt . It sounds like your mother knows only too well deep down but can’t face the whole truth.
I think our biggest failure as parents is not to protect our children,but I guess sometimes we don’t recognise the danger.
It sounds like your mother needed her relationships just like we needed gambling – the dream of something better perhaps .
I am Really only rambling- trying to make sense of it .
I know however , that your mother being nasty is far more honest that those mothers who set themselves up as holier that thou – she must have her pain too. Perhaps her own childhood left her unable to express love appropriately .
I don’t know – but I do know of a little girl and boy who are blessed to have a loving grandmother like you .
I wish u would come to some groups – it sos much easier to talk there

[vera]

I am glad to see you are bouncing back, Lizbeth.
When we feel hurt, we often blame others. Nobody has the power to make you unhappy (or happy, either!)unless you give them that power. We are conditioned to believe the opposite from an early age in our society. When I feel hurt, the hurt is in me, Lizbeth. Not in the other person. I learned that a long time ago. It takes wisdom to put it into practice. When you understand that, your heart will be filled with compassion and you will be FREE!
You are always in my prayers, Lizbeth. We need to reclaim our power. That often means letting go.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I’ve had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I’m sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It’s hard because i feel like my Mother didn’t protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It’s hard to take it as it happens anytime I’m around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She’s had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I’ve apologized for getting angry with her but she won’t acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she’s done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I’m going to look at the times of the groups. I’m willing to give it another try.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Vera for your posts! I-did-it, I agree with a lot that you said. My Mother is dealing with everything the best she can. I feel she shut down emotionally a long time ago. I repeated a lot that saw as a child. I’ve had 2 dysfunctional marriages. It affected both of my Daughters I’m sure. Vera, I understand for me to have peace, I have to let go. That is why I decided to go back to counseling. It’s hard because i feel like my Mother didn’t protect me from evil as a child and wanted me to pretend that our lives were perfect. It goes further into our relationship now as she is always lashing out at me. It’s hard to take it as it happens anytime I’m around her. I truly believe that she hates me. She’s had a lot of problems with my Sister and her siblings (All of who are dead) Maybe she was molested as a child?? She will never open up though. I’ve apologized for getting angry with her but she won’t acknowledge it. Becauser in het mind she’s done nothing wrong. I-did-it, I’m going to look at the times of the groups. I’m willing to give it another try.

[lizbeth4]

So my Sister just called and said she is coming on Friday for the weekend. She just started talking to my Mom again after 6 Months because of my Mom’s outburst. I filled her in about what’s going on. She is staying with me. She said she’s going to the casino while she s here. She knows of my problem. I told her I wasn’t going. She’s going to try and get my Mom and me back together??? I’m not ready to participate.

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth, do what’s right for you.
When we are hurt it is difficult to participate – and for most people others do have the power to hurt us- especially people we expect we can trust – unless like your mum, we shut down emotionally. For me I would rather be a warm and loving person ( which leaves us exposed to feeling hurt when Others hurt us ) than closed down. You feel hurt because you are a warm person Lizbeth with a great capacity to love.

I believe emotionally shut down people simply don’t feel enough to understand that they may be wrong – they just don’t have that capacity . In many ways they are to be pitied more that blamed .

However , it may be that the sooner this is sorted the better you feel . Well done on saying no that that casino . Xx

[kathryn]

I’m sorry for everything you went through as a child. These things change us as people, and being a little person is even worse, not being able to understand things like an adult could.
I was not abused as a child, so what I imagine is proboably a 1000th of how you feel, I won’t pretend I know.
What I want to say is that the only person that can make you happy is you. If that means no Christmas with your family, do it. It’s ok to not want to deal with it all.
I don’t know what to say about your Mum. No words.
Lizbeth, you have turned out to be a beautiful, kind, caring,
Compassionate woman.
You did that! No one else!!!
Don’t let anyone change who you are.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! I feel.supported and loved! I’ve awoken early as Wednesdays are when I call my Grandson, before school. I don’t know about Xmas? When my oldest Daughter and her boyfriend came after Thanksgiving, they were rude and disrespectful. Really, i dont know why they want to come. This weekend with my Sister here, I am just going with it. I will be ok if I’m not included at my Mom’s house. I’ve been having anxiety attacks. To the extent that my throat closes up and I have intense stomach issues. I don’t want to go on medications so I’ve been using relaxation techniques. Sometimes it doesn’t help. I-did-it, Thanks for mentioning my love for my Grandchildren. I do love them with all of my heart! They are the innocents in all of this mess.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz, good to see the support you are getting here. No wonder you have added counseling to the mix. Lots going on with family. You have many bright spots at the moment, your grandchildren, and your youngest daughter seems to be doing well and there was a time she was having issues. Not to mention you keep challenging yourself to grow and change.
Maybe use the quiet times when your sister is out at your moms or the casino to regroup, meditate and relax.
Have a good day Liz! -L

[i-did-it]

In work so just time for a quick post .
Lizbeth often I have written that we don’t get to know the people on here but sometimes maybe we get to know them better than in real life .
I can for examples see the absolute love you have for your grandchildren – and you children for that matter.
We don’t always like our family but that doesn’t mean we don’t love them.
This new thread was a great idea !
It feels like a new start for you !

[lizbeth4]

Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I’m glad I started the new thread. I didn’t talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn’t answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I’m so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I’m usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I’m straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That’s very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Good morning Laura and i-did-it. I’m glad I started the new thread. I didn’t talk to my Grandson this morning as my Daughter didn’t answer her cell. I will try again tomorrow. My youngest Daughter is doing great. I’m so proud of her. She is working more hours now, so I take care of my Granddaughter 4 days a week. I’m looking forward to all of the adventures we are going to have. I love my family but I have friends that I love like family and like them too! LOL! I wonder if sometimes I take everything personally with my family, like I make a bigger deal than intended. I’m usually on pins and needles with them and waiting for the worse! I’m straightening the house and later will get ready for the Xmas party. No gambling urges. That’s very significant for me. Have a great day everyone.

[finding_laura]

lol! I guess it’s true what they say, we can’t pick our family! I wonder sometimes if I’m a little hyper sensitive to disturbances in the “force” lol. Always wanting to make sure there is no fuss. Wanting to be ready to smooth ruffled feathers. But I’m trying to let others wear their own behaviour. I’m not responsible for how they behave. No gambling urges Liz, awesome!

[lizbeth4]

Hey Laura, I’m a people pleaser but I’ve been working on that for a couple of years. It’s not going over well with me saying no and following through with certain family members. Oh well! I was the scape goat also. But no more! I was very shy and a introvert as a child. I was easily led as a young adult which caused many problems for me. Your right, we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s behavior. My Mom said I lie about everything when we had our blow out. No, I told the truth and it was too much for her. I’m done smoothing things over. If she never talks to me again, I will have to except that. My other stressor, my oldest Daughter has been playing me because she knows how much I hurt when she keeps my Grandson away from me. I can’t change what she s doing but I can stop playing the game! Repeated unanswered phone calls, telling my Grandson bad things about me. Yes, he tells me as he knows what his Mother is doing is wrong. So pathetic! I can back off. My Grandson knows I love him even if we don’t talk for awhile. She also throws my gambling addiction in my face. She is a recovering drug addict and a alcoholic. I’ve never ever said anything negative about her addictions. I’m refusing to having anxiety attacks and insomnia which could affect my health. I have to love myself enough to refuse that kind of mean treatment. Life is too short! I’m working on me! I’m going back to church on Sunday. I need to be around positive people and fellowship. My friend of 29 years is coming for a visit next month. I’m very excited. I’ve been lax on my exercising as I am babysitting 4 days a week but I can start walking again and using my exercise videos. I need to do for me now! No gambling! Makes me happy.

[finding_laura]

So much going on but you are dealing with it differently. Maybe that’s what is helping with the urges. Isn’t hurting I dare say. Enjoy church. And I’m excited for you. Good long time friends can be hard to come by and even harder to keep. I’m happy for you Liz. It seems to me you are dealing with this all pretty sensibly. Have a good gamble free day!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. I wrote a long comment earlier but it didn’t post???? So I’ll just say that I’m trudging along. It’s very cold and windy here. Staying inside where it’s warm. No gambling for me.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Great post – we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s behaviour – but it can still hurt us ! There is never any need to drag children into adult arguments or to use them as a pawns.
Your life seems to be going really well despite your daugher’s behaviour- going to church lifts our spirits and it is great to see old friends . Loving ourselves is easy when life is going well but harder when there are bumps along the way – keep strong !

[p]

Well done on starting your new thread, i am glad you started one and didnt leave.
I dont want anyone to leave ever!! haha, the little community we have here has to stay together.
I am sorry to hear of all the thigns going on with the family. This thing with your mum has been going on a long time with her being abusive. Its awful for you to go through.
Wonderful to hear you are with the grand baby..
I hope all sorts itself out ok soon. Good thing is Lizbeth you are not resorting to gambling.. stay safe

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and P for your posts. A lot has transpired in a day. My Mother called and apologized. I accepted and I am putting up my boundaries stronger than before. I will leave and not argue with her. I am not going to her house a lot. I am not going to ever get what I need from her. I accept that and I love her. I don’t want regrets or guilt when she passes. My Sister is leaving in the morning. We’ve had fun playing cards and eating and talking. She bought my Granddaughter 8 new winter outfits. So adorable! I am grateful for the healthy relationships I have !!!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth, people are recognising your new boundaries.
Well done to your mum- maybe she is thinking about stuff differently too.
What a great sister – my younger sister is my best friend, so I get it .
You sound so positive – others will soon recognise the boundaries – it’s true if we don’t love ourselves enough – I guess other notice and treat us how we expect .
Well done !

[p]

Well done on those boundaries… they are the hardest things sometimes to put in place but can sound so simple
You are doing really well, stay with the gamble free road and stay close to those who are good to you. You deserve good Lizbeth you are so good to all those around you

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks p for your post! I haven’t been gamble free. I gambled today, big time! I’ve done damage both monetary and to myself. Can’t believe it!!!! I’m so hating myself right now. I’ll be digging out of this one for awhile. Things were moving along and I decided to screw it all up. I’m feeling empty, despair and failure. If people that knew me really knew the real me, they would be shocked. I wonder how many of them would want any kind of relationship with me. I feel pathetic and useless. I don’t why I keep sabotaging my life. Will I ever be free of this demon? I’m drained, so tired.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth, really sorry to hear you slipped up and gambled…….but it happens and I have done it 100s of times so please dont beat yourself up about it, we cannot change what we have done……and boy at times I am sure we have both searched hard for that time machine!, you must take the positives from this my friend it will make you a better person, I know right now there doesnt seem any positives but everything happens for a reason and in the end it makes stronger and the people we are today.

I am really glad you had some nice time with your sister you sounded like you really enjoyed it and also sorry to hear of your ongoing struggle with your mother, I have a sister (she disowned me along time ago but thats another stroy) and I have a brother who I see when he wants or needs something……..but hey I suppose I could make the effort sometime, its the classisc really “you can choose your friends but not your family” come to think of it I dont have many of either!

Keep fighting Lizbeth my friend and will always wish you well……I have to get back to work and earn some money, I have the flu…….not a cold yes defo the flu lol, but couldnt afford not to go to work…….If I never had found gambling 27 years ago I could probably be retired at my tender age of 41 lol……..but hey we do what we do and just for today I woke up this morning breathing and I thank God for that.

Hope this finds you well.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! I needed to see you post this morning. I am going to go to the casino this week and see if I can ban myself. I had been told that I couldn’t here but someone told me recently that she had. It’s worth a try. I’m still upset with myself. I can dig out but I will have to be real diligent about it. Why do I impose such pain and worry on myself? I’m getting ready for my Granddaughter to come over. My ray of sunshine! I want things to be different. I need to really work on this !

[finding_laura]

Your addiction or compulsion knows you are making progress. That you are doing things differently. That things are changing. Imagine an apology from your mother. Seeing a counselor. It is crafty this disease. It is pushing all your buttons! A black thing that is under attack and knows its losing. Maybe call the casino and speak with a manager or someone who should know if you can ban. That way you don’t have to set foot on the premises until you know it is for an appointment to ban. I’m glad you aren’t giving up Liz. It always amazes me the strength some people possess. You are one of those people. I hope you are enjoying your little ray of sunshine. Big hugs Liz. See if you can tie up some money too!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. I will call the casino. I think the office is across the street where I can ban myself. My precious Granddaughter is crawling and babbling. She is helping me to keep it together right now. The apology from my Mom was nice. Although things haven’t really changed between us it was like a new chapter. I can have a distant relationship with her and not feel bad about it any more. It was good to see my Sister but I gambled with her. I think my Mom and Sister are CG’s also. So today I am going to try to forgive myself and put the ban in place and be grateful for the things I have.

[finding_laura]

How difficult it must be when gambling forms a bonding activity in the family. I’m lucky in that sense. No one in my family gambles. My husband used to very occasionally. Now if he does it is almost non exsistant. His time and money are accounted for. I can see not wanting to dissapoint the visiting sister and breaking up the family get together. But if you are banned you will have no choice 🙂 They can gamble without you or maybe find another activity they can do with you. All the best with the ban. Don’t be too hard on your self.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Thanks for your continued support! My parents introduced me to gambling. Way back when I was 21 years old. My gambling didn’t become a issue till all of the Indian casinos started popping up. I had to travel to Nevada before that, so I didn’t gamble much. I called the casino. The tribal office is across the street from the casino. As they close at 5pm, I will be heading over there on Friday when I’m not babysitting. I also need to clean up my money mess. Thankfully, I will be able to do that next month. I will tell my family no more casino. They can go without me! Feeling a little bit more optimistic.

[p]

Lizbeth i am so pleased you are going to ban.. well done.
Dont beat yourself up too much about this slip. If you can get back on the horse now thats great and just continue on now you can only learn from it.
Youve been under a lot of stress, i have had to look at different ways of dealing with stress, i found a meditation app so i have been trying that , you just play one and lay down and shut your eyes and listen to a guided one its great… anything that helps.

P

[lizbeth4]

Thanks p. I do meditate and use relaxation techniques. It helps alot. Baby is sleeping and I am having a cup of hot tea! I’m going to be ok. The intensity I felt this time gambling was very scary for me! I think it woke me up. Something inside of me said you need to stop this now! Banning will help a lot. Like I’ve said before, I am in a rural area where I’d have to drive a long distance to gamble. More boundaries !!!!

[lizbeth4]

So, my Daughter has picked up the baby and I’ve finished my dinner (salad). I’m reflecting on my gambling episode and all of the feelings associated with it. I didn’t enjoy it and in the end I kept chasing the losses until I had the worse feeling in the pit of my stomach. All the while trying to act normal. I kept looking around and no one looked happy. So sad! I didn’t sleep well that night. I took some over the counter sleeping aid to sleep last night. I took a quick nap today while my Granddaughter slept. I want next year to be so different. No gambling, working on myself, doing things I enjoy. It’s a new start!

[finding_laura]

Sounds like a good plan Liz 🙂 Both banning and the plan after wards for a new start. I noticed the same Liz. When I went back out there. It tended to be the same people that were there, CG’s like me. And rarely did one look happy unless they were fooling themselves about their wins! Have a good day!
Laura

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear that you have gambled with the usual impact for a CG. Are you aware what triggered it? I have been through many stops and starts so know how this can happen. What was different for me this time, aside from the total destruction it caused, was that I realised there is never never any excuse or reason to wake the sleeping monster lurking in the corner. No matter what we are going through waking up the monster will only make things worse. I so know this and I know that feeling in the pit my stomach when we chase and it just takes. I think they are programmed todo this, seen it so many times. It’s like a light switches on, Cg here, just take! Good luck Liz, it was a blip, that’s all. We never win, never can.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I did more damage than I first anticipated. I am headed for the city mid morning to sell a few of my possessions. These are things that have no sentimental value to me. I can’t believe that I’m at this place again. This isnt the real me, someone who disregards the value of money and who doesnt have any self respect. I feel the lowest I’ve felt in a long long time. The stress takes a toll both physically and mentally. I was hoping to go to sleep and not wake up! Yes, I said it! How selfish is that? I only have this site and my friends here to turn to. I feel like the counsellor sessions aren’t helping. I pray everyday for the strength to get through this and to not want to gamble again. My little Granddaughter is sick with a viral infection. She was in the ER with a high temperature and at the Dr’s office yesterday to be checked again. It has to run it’s course. I’ve been present for my Daughter and Granddaughter. The one thing I’m grateful for right now!!! So, today i will do what I need to do and try to dig out of my hole a little. I’m going to try not to stay stuck in a deep depression. I’m going to try and like myself.

[Monica1]

Yes, we lose track of how much we spend, done that so many times and familiar with that feeling of not wanting to wake up as well. How many counselling sessions have you had and was there something in that which triggered the last session? If the sessions are not working, can you change counsellor? I had two lots of counselling sessions that didn’t work at all and I should have asked to change counsellor but was too concerned about the counsellors feelings. Sometimes they just don’t work and go round in circles. Sometimes the counsellor doesn’t have the life experience To get us or don’t understand the cg unless a gambling or addictions trained counsellor.
Well done for being there for your granddaughter and hope she gets better soon. The little ones can scare us with how sick they can get but they do bounce back just as quickly.
As well as self banning, was this a family visit to the casino? Do your family know how serious this addiction is? And that you are a compulsive gambler and should never set foot in a casino? Is there someone who could help you limit your access to money, or have a prepaid debit card with an allowance that makes it difficult for you to gamble?
In my five and a half year addiction, my family ie my grown up children have only recently begun to understand how serious and life threatening this addiction is. And they are now supportive. It literally has taken until I am the verge of suicide for them to get it. Do your family get it Liz?
You will get through And over this Liz and it really is one day at a time.

[Monkey15]

As I have read through your thread, I see and hear many emotions and feelings that have me nodding my head in agreement. I stopped gambling 53 days ago only because I did not have access to funds, there was no more available to me. So when members on this site say to remove access to funds, I totally get that now…my brain doesn’t let me get so many urges now as I know there is no money to gamble with.

This admire your honesty and I think this place is a safe and non judgemental place to be so. So, climb back on that horse and start again. The fact that you are here and writing shows me you want to stop.

We are all here for you, together.

Warm regards from NZ

Tina

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and Tina for your posts! You’ve both given me a lot of good advice. My trip to the city didn’t go well. My items (which are prized by myself) didn’t fetch much money. In fact, some of them I wouldn’t sell that cheap. I came home feeling a bit defeated! My banning happens tomorrow. I’m ready to do this. My counseling here in a rural area is very limited. I am going to change counselors as I don’t think that I am meshing with my current one. Oh, my family knows I’m a CG. They are too! I’ve made my addiction clear to them but they don’t get it. Monicau, I just got a prepaid debit card. I’m going to have to figure my monetary access out myself. I don’t have anyone to trust with that. I’m going to have to dig myself out. My finances were not the best before this. I’ve consolidated my credit card debt. I am making payments on overdue taxes. I’ve created a big mess for myself. And to think that almost 5 years ago, after my Husband’s death, I was debt free. I spent and spent the money I inherited. I did purchase my home and car and helped my oldest Daughter with a down payment. I spent till it was gone. When the money ran out, I charged up my credit cards. So my compulsions run deep. One thing that I don’t regret are the trips I took my Grandson on. I have all of those memories. My late Husband went to his grave with the belief that I would be taken care of monetarily. I am such a big disappointment. At this point, almost all of my monthly pension is going out on payments. It’s going to take me 4 years to become debt free. I need to stop this so I can stay debt free! I am thinking of getting a part time job but they are limited here and my Daughter can’t afford a babysitter. Maybe, I should put a ad in the local newspaper to watch another child in my home???????? I feel so much pressure and unrest. Good news: my Granddaughter is feeling better. She is eating better and her fever is under control. It felt good writing this, although it is long! Being honest is freeing.

[lizbeth4]

PS: The grass always looks greener! We never know what’s really going on with someone else. People only show us what they want us to see.

[Monica1]

Looks like you are doing the right things. Like you, I squandered a huge amount of money on gambling. I now see a common theme amongst women escape CGs and that is unsupported grief and loss as the initial trigger. It is hard not to feel guilt and a deep regret over the money we lost. I know that your husband would not be judging you and you haven’t let him down in any way. We judge ourselves way too much. As my son said, the best thing we can now do is to get our lives back on track and that means not gambling. I don’t want that destruction in my life any more. I don’t think you do either. I think we are about the same age. My addiction lasted five and a half years and has left me almost destitute still after four months. That is all it will ever do.
In respect of the debts, these can weigh us down. Over the years these did for me, and every relapse I would lose thousands. But the choice is either bankruptcy or pay them off. Mine would have taken huge monthly sums over five years. Have you had debt counselling? There may be other options that would not involve you losing your home.
I am pleased your granddaughter is getting better.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I’m currently on a debt management repayment plan for my credit cards and a monthly repayment plan for my taxes. With these and My monthly living bills, I have little money left. When I gamble, I do a lot of damage. I need to find a way to bring more income. My family has no clue and are in no position to help me. I would get judged and it would be something else to hold against me! Sad! It’s lonely and scary feeling. Until you live it, you never know how devastating it can be. I’m going to implement the things I mentioned in my previous post and keep moving forward. That’s all I can do.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz. Like most of us with this compulsion I kept blinders on while I had money to support my gambling. I didn’t feel the full pain of it until I hit the end of my money and credit. I did try and fight it here and there but it was difficult. I hope you are able to sort something out with your finances, as far as having easy access. Where there is a will there is a way. I have faith you will figure something out to put more barriers between you and your money. A change in counselor if possible sounds like a good plan as well. As difficult as this can be please don’t give up on your recovery Liz. Monica is giving some good advice re the debts. There may be something you can do to save yourself some of the crippling interest credit cards charge. I hate thinking of you having to sell off treasured possessions! Get through the holidays and then maybe look at credit counseling to see if there is other ways. Keep enjoying the good things like your lovely little granddaughter. Stay strong Liz!
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura, I’ve made some calls regarding my debts. I will be receiving call backs next week. It’s a sobering experience. I banned this morning. Yeah! It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was very humbling to know that I can be arrested for trespassing. I will have to tell my family as they like to eat at the casino from time to time. I feel free and I am going to be totally honest with them even if they judge me! I’ve decided to post some items for sale online. I need to live beneath my means for awhile. I have to remember to take care of myself first as I use generosity to make others happy. I’m also going to apply online for a few jobs in town. It won’t hurt. I’m willing to work the night shift. I will post in the newspaper for babysitting and elder care jobs also. Maybe I can work around watching my Granddaughter. Different ideas are running through my head. At least I’m not giving in!!!! I’m fighting for a gamble free life!

[Anonymous]

Such a positive post Liz, really nice to read 🙂

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie. I’m having a lot of different feelings right now. My emotions are all over the place. I want to just stay under the covers today but I took a shower and got dressed. I’m doing a few things around the house. I’m figuring ways to get on top of this money mess. Hopefully, I will be able to work out some things when I get my call backs next week. I paid off my cell phone, so of course it is acting up. I had to delete and reinstall my apps. It’s still not acting right. As long as I can call out and receive calls that’s all that matters. I can not afford a new phone right now! My brain! Too much thinking.

[finding_laura]

That is a big accomplishment Liz!! OMG well done. I know Kathryn will give a great big thumbs up when she reads. Banning is a pretty good barrier to keep you out! You are a very resourceful person Liz. You will get through this. If I was there I’d give your hand a good squeeze. Here’s to better days ahead. You are all healthy and that is a great blessing to *****. Have a good night Liz. Oh, and I hope it feels good to know you just gave our addiction a good kick square you know where. Take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura! I really don’t know how I would get through this without the support I’ve received here. I know better days are on the way! I will get through this. I’m willing to do the hard work. I can go without buying things and I can keep my living costs to a minimum. You can be very resourceful when you have to be. I have to look at the positives and be grateful. I’ve taken care of my health since my heart attack 6 years ago. I’m in great health. My kids and Grandkids are healthy. I have a comfortable house and many things I take for granted. Today I am grateful that I’m not gambling. Life is good!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I woke to a text my oldest Daughter sent during the night. She stated that she was making Xmas dinner at my house and I was buying everything. Firstly, it’s all foods that she likes. Also, she s coming up early and wants dinner early. I replied that I’ve already planned the menu, the time for dinner. And I don’t want to deal with stress that day!! No replies. The positive this morning was Geordies post on his thread. It was so positive. It gave me the hope that I can stay gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

I asked my Daughter not to come for Xmas if she plans on brings demands and causing stress for the family. It was so hard to do because it would mean that my sweet Grandson won’t be here. No reply. I had to stand my ground. I feel like standing my ground and setting boundaries is part of my recovery. I am putting my recovery first! I can’t let anything or anyone stand in my way of recovery or trigger it. I really feel that if I fail this time in my recovery, I will be lost in it and never recover. I still have hope and faith that I can overcome my addiction, get out of debt and relieve a lot of my stressors. I’m dedicated to my recovery more than ever before. In fact, there is no question in my mind that now is the time for complete surrender to recovery.

[lizbeth4]

So the texts started flying. Many mean and vile things said to me. I’ve had it! Obviously, there is alcohol or something else involved. I’m drained! No gambling. Thank goodness I have access to little money and I don’t have the energy. I lose in all of this with not seeing my Grandson. I will have to deal with it.

[Monica1]

I think you’re right for standing your ground. I find her behaviour very bizarre. No one in my family would ever make such demands or act up in this way. Other issues but we all have respect for each other. Where is she getting it from and why does she feel the need to walk all over you? Cos that’s what it sounds like. Will she compromise in anyway? I am glad that you are putting your recovery first. You need to tell her that. The emotionals from family are always upsetting. We have to let go and that is hard. My only gratification is that cycles of emotional and other types of abuse that have been presentinmylifeup to around ten years ago have not manifested in the next generation ie my grandkids. I hope that things will peacefully resolve Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, Thanks for your post! I hope we can compromise. She said not to bother her anymore. Ok? Other family drama has occurred today and I’m home minding my own business. I’m not answering the phone or texts the rest of the day. LOL! The sadness of this is my Grandson. That breaks my heart. For today, I will respect myself and not gamble. I will put my recovery first.

[Anonymous]

Not nice concerning your grandson and disgusting treatment you’re on the end of.

Gambling will change nothing, I doubt it would even be an escape Liz.

You’ve dealt with worse than this over the last few years, and you know you can cope without gambling.

I know there is only so many times you can ***** to ten.

Go and get yourself a big slice of cake and a coffee Liz

Take care, keep standing tall.

[i-did-it]

Hi Liz ,
It will take your daughter a period of re- adjustment to the fact she cannot use her son like a pawn, but she will get there .
Well done on sticking to your Christmas plans .
Also self banning from the casino is such a huge thing to do – well done – what freedom this will give you.
Despite any slips you may have had you are a woman in recovery – the changes in you, in how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you are remarkable .
Keep working that recovery Liz

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie and i-did-it for your posts! I’m sick today. A bad cold. Bummer! My Daughter and I came to a compromise. I did it to keep the peace and to see my Grandson. I have been working about how I am going to make my bills next month. I never learn! I’ve decided which ones I can put off but it still won’t cover everything. I have no more credit and a few of the companies I’ve contacted won’t work with me. So, I’m figuring out my finances while feeling like poo. I can get out of this in 2 months but it’s going to be really hard. I thought about ending last night. Yes I’ve said it again. I just can’t leave my Grandbabies like that. I have no one who is close to me to turn to. Please pray for me!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth , when I am actively gambling I get those thoughts – I am not sure why – because for me it’s not something I ever considered as a possibility . I think maybe it’s something gambling triggers in our brains .

You have barred from that casino – think carefully – is there any other avenue to gamble your have left over- any door ? Close it tightly like Geordie says – make it impossible to gamble and then start your four year repayment plan- you never know what life will send your way .

So long as you are happy with the compromise Lizbeth- that’s all that’s important .
Families are difficult and we all have to compromise I guess at family times -for example I am cooking what I consider two junk food items at my Xmas dinner because they have always been part of Xmas for my inlaws ?!??? Lol
I think taking in another child is a superb idea or how about instead of having them the whole day you maybe take two for after school? – they will be older , require less work and u pick them up when school ends. Who knows this could develop into a business your daughters could run with you?

There are so many opportunities in life – sometimes we just need to grab them.
You will be ok Lizbeth – u have your head screwed on – u make good decisions!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
it takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you are doing. I can only hope your daughter will come around and not keep your grandson from you. I’ve seen my nephew used as a pawn occasionally over the years against my mom. It makes one feel like they are walking on eggshells around the person all the time for fear of the child paying the price. It’s like you are being held hostage. Deep breaths! Keep working through this. You are so worth it! No self destruct. And you can’t go to the casino! Have as stress free a day as possible. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Laura! I am so grateful that I have your support. I can use all of the support I can get! My Daughter is sick also. The baby is feeling better. My Mother is well so she is watching the baby. I’m resting. I’ve thought about suicide but then someone has to find me. Probably my Daughter and I can’t do that to her. Out of everyone my Grandson would be so devastated. That’s what is stopping me. It would be a easy out. My oldest Daughter text and she is buying and preparing the Xmas dinner. We’ve called a truce. I’m still worrying about my finances. I have a call to make on Monday to see if a creditor will revise my payment. It’s worth asking. The worse scenarios: overdraft fees, potential loss of checking account. All of my automatic payments should be fine, somethings I can live without for a month. I should be out of credit card debt in 3 years but if I don’t pay my monthly payment, they can sue me It is what it is! I’m going to figure out something. My daily quote is, “Keep going.” I have no money to gamble with, no cards, ect… So today I will not gamble!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[Monica1]

Thinking of you and prayed for you. When the alternative is bankruptcy creditors change their tune and are more accommodating. I have lived with this for years now. Although years of large Debt is debilitating, some will wait and put off action for six months. That is what ihave found. I am bankrupt but cannot affordtogo bankrupt and have to wait for a creditor to make me bankrupt or get a charitable grant. I have been waiting now for four moths and cannot pay any of my debts. No money for even one Xmas present or food. Awful. So I hope your cold gets better soon. You will survive this. If I can sowill you!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post on my thread. I’ve thought of you too and prayed for your situation to change. Bankruptcy will be my last resort. The creditors here are very aggressive. They swoop in and take anything of value. I have some assets that although they could help me in my situation, they could adversely change someone else’s life. A long story. So I’m going to dig out. I may take i-did-it advice and try to find some kids to watch after school and during school breaks. That would bring in a little extra money. My Daughter and I have the flu. I couldn’t barely get out of bed till today. My Mother has watched the baby but I think she’s through. I’m going to take a long hot shower and keep drinking fluids. I’m a little better. I can watch her tomorrow. Monicau, Thanks for supporting me! You’re a compassionate person.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Sorry to hear about your flu- it seems flus are getting so much worse nowadays.
Hope you feel lots better tomorrow and I love ur positive way you are approaching life

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I’m feeling a little better today. I haven’t ate for 3 days. I’m going to try some soup later. I-did-it, I’m trying to stay positive. It’s kind of hard sometimes. Tomorrow is my birthday, the big 60. I don’t feel like celebrating. Still trying to figure out how to pay bills next month, but that’s next month.

[Monica1]

Hope your flu is starting to go and getting well has to be your priority. Now chicken soup has sustained me thus far so I suggest you get some down you. Many happy returns, are you a fellow sagitarian or are you on the cusp of Capricorn? There is just a few weeks between us in age Liz.
I get what you are saying if you have assets. I have absolutely,nothing,to take. That is for a lifetime of hard,work. I own nothing at all. So,you have done far better than me! I hope you feel,better soon Liz.

[finding_laura]

Glad you are starting to feel better Liz. Nothing like knocking you down right before Christmas. It’s good that your daughter is going to take charge of supper. The money worries are the worst. I repeatedly lost money that would have made life bearable. It’s a shock when the “fun” is over and there is nothing left. After Christmas you can tighten your belt and look at some possibilities to bring payments down and your income up. You’ve stopped the bleeding. There isn’t any more money going out. With the ban in place you won’t go back. You gave yourself the best Christmas gift. Rest up. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and Laura for your posts! Monicau, no chicken soup for me. September 4th, I stopped eating chicken, pork and beef. I still eat dairy, eggs. I’ve lost 16 lbs so far. I’m a saggitaurus. My Mother’s bday is the day after mine. You would think we’d be kindred spirits but we are opposites. I feel better. I’m just resting. Laura, I’m grateful that my Daughter is providing the dinner. My youngest Daughter is buying the pies and dinner rolls. I’ve already contacted creditors, some will work with me, others don’t want to. It is what it is. I have to keep believing that it’s going to be ok and face some consequences for my actions. I’m sleeping in my Xmas sweatshirt, trying to get in the Xmas spirit. Sometimes I feel so pathetic. I’ve blown so much money not just on gambling but compulsive shopping. Wouldn’t it be great if you could look into a crystal ball and view your life? You could change behaviors and actions and really appreciate the people who are going on to the afterlife. Just a thought. After Xmas, I’m going to see if I can increase my income. I live in a town of 12,000 people. Babysitting and elder care are probably going to be my options. I’ll do whatever it takes.

[Monica1]

Good to see you post. When we have the flu, need to avoid dairy as it increases mucous. Nice lol but true. Yes, funnily enough I was just thinking this a couple of days ago re the crystal ball thing. There are about Four or five key points in my life and I would absolutely change my decision and direction of travel. Sometimes it is only with the benefit of far hindsight where we see crucial life change points and I always seem to have made the wrong decision. All this my way stuff and no regrets a lot of people say, I would 100 per cent change some things. But not my children, love them. It will be ok with your creditors Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I have a couple crucial times in my life where I wish that I could go back and change the decisions I made. A big one is not having children with my Husband. He had 1 daughter and I had 2 daughters. He wanted a child together but I didn’t. It is something I’ve always regretted. But we can’t change the past! Even though there is a lot of dysfunction in My family, I love them. Especially My girls and Grandbabies. My birthday was spent resting. For some reason, I’m feeling worse today. My girls both gave me birthday wishes. Monicau, thanks for being positive about my creditors. Right now, there are 2 that aren’t willing to work with me. I don’t know if I can fulfill their demands. I can only do what I can do. I really think this was a great lesson for me. I don’t want to be in this position again.

[i-did-it]

Happy belated birthday Lisbeth.
I hope you had a really lovely day.
I would make many changes in my life too if I could go back – strangely I never think of gambling when I think of changes I would make – I think other choices led to my gambling.
It is good that most of your creditors wi work with you – I don’t see That the others have much choice- maybe ask to speak to their managers .
I like your attitude Lizbeth – extra work will help a lot with those financial worries .
Keep strong !

[kathryn]

I hope you enjoyed your birthday in some small way…..cake perhaps????
I also hope you are feeling better, I feel like the colds/flu are terrible, last time I had one I was at work and had to work in surgery, my nose was like a running tap, I had to stuff a dental roll up each nostril under my mask!!! Not pretty lol
So Christmas, I do hope you have a lovely day. I tend to forget that not everyone is looking forward to it, I love it so much ( well it wasn’t great when I was gambling) but my childhood memories were just wonderful and I hang onto that every year!
My bestie is going through the most awful time at the moment, she has a 9 and 10 year old, money isn’t an issue, thankfully but I don’t know how to help her I love her like a sister and she doesn’t deserve what is happening to her, the fact that it’s christmas just makes it worse.
I’m trying to hold her up, but I don’t feel like I’m doing much of a job and we go away Christmas Day and I’m leaving her in her mess, it’s just awful.
Anyways, that was a little babble right there!!!
Again, sending you Christmas blessings my friend.
Love K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Kathryn for your posts! No cake yesterday, can barely eat! I-did-it, I’m getting threats of being sued in small claims court by 1 creditor. I can only do what I can do. Kathryn, I’m sure your friend appreciates your support. Sometimes just having someone just listen to you helps. I just want to be around my family at Xmas and enjoy the Grandkids. I’m feeling about the same. I have to muster up some strength to accomplish a few things today!

[vera]

Congratulations, Lizbeth on your 60th birthday( The new 40!)
Age makes little difference, Lizbeth. It is Peace with our Creator and Health that really c ount.
I was away from GT for weeks. Like you, the “flu” gripped me. Knocked me for six. All I remember of the fist week was lying in agony (throat, ears -even gums and jaws) waiting for the next dose of pain killers to be due.
Strange, when you are away from an online group , how everyone and everything seems to fade into oblivion. I guess it’s different when we are dealing face to face with people, but I seem to have become very distant from “real” people, too. We come to a stage in life when our priorities shift and self preservation takes priority-a type of regression to childhood, perhaps.
You and one or two others here were on my mind when I was ill, Lizbeth and when I caught up on your thread, I now know why.
I have been in your position often, Liz i e “broke at Christmas”. I used methods that would not be orthodox, to cover my tracks/relieve my anxiety/financial stress to tide me over. I used my son’s Credit Union shares often to obtain loans ( explaining that it was for Christmas presents-which was an indirect lie). Did likewise with my husband’s C.U. shares. That would be my Plan B and usually came AFTER I had taken out a couple of “high Interest” loans (which I usually gambled). Could I cope with that madness again? No! It would kill me!!
Lizbeth, I’m not suggesting for one minute that you follow my appalling example, but I want to highlight that it’s not worth stressing ourselves to the gills over money.
It comes and goes. Do what you need to do to get through Christmas.
The only way we make “real” money is to earn it….I went back to working 12 hour shifts at age 52 BUT I was in the throes of gambling then, and the income helped me to further self destruct. Working from home sounds ideal. My sister has looked after babies/children all her married life. Cash in hand is very tempting but for a CG it can be lethal. Also there are insurance/health and safety and police clearance issues to be dealt with so not as straightforward these days as it used to be.
Would you consider renting a room? A friend of mine walks dogs would you believe, for dog owners who can no longer walk theirs and there is money to be made there also babysitting in a child’s own home or sitting with elderly people to give carers a break or working as a full time carer are much needed services.
I pray for you every day, Lizbeth.
I know how life has been a struggle for you. I have my own issues with my son. I haven’t seen him for 14 months. We are working ( my other son and I ) on having him home for Christmas but NOT on his past T & Cs . (His record has been atrocious and I always came out the worst end)
Not this year, Lizbeth. We have to learn to take back our power from people who hurt us or scapegoat us.
Like gambling, we only become powerless when we give that power away.
I know you are coming to that realization too, Lizbeth.
The “hurt” is in us, not in the external situation but oh! boy! there are lots of people who supply the stimulus.
Our main, common objective on this Site is to refrain from gambling one day at a time.
The issues surrounding that common aim are often relevant but sometimes superfluous.
I wish you and yours a Peaceful Christmas. Nothing is perfect. I will go to GA tonight to remind myself that I am and always will be a CG who by God’s grace hasn’t gambled today.
May God’s Hand rest on your shoulder, Libeth and His Love surround you always.
You have my support and admiration .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera for your post! Sorry to hear that you’ve been sick. I’d wondered where you we’re? Or if you just wasn’t posting. You make a lot of valid and good points. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Thanks for your support and thoughts. It means a lot to me. I know what triggered my gambling episode. It was a painful experience that I can’t talk about here. I didn’t handle the situation right and decided to self destruct. Christmas will be fine. There are gifts for the kids and there will be plenty of food. I’ve never been a money person. I’ve had it and I’ve been poor also. My disregard for it though is not good. I need to relearn a lot. As soon as I get back on track, my savings start again. This time was different for me. Maybe because my birthday fell during my financial mess. I’m not getting younger. Good news: 1 of the creditors that didn’t want to work with me, called me and is going to add the missed payment back into the loan. A big relief! I am going to call the other creditor again next week. Going to rest!

[i-did-it]

Aw that’s great news Lisbeth – wait and see the other creditor will work with you too. I get what you mean about not valuing money – I think maybe if we put more value on it we might not get into the scrapes we do . For some reason , I (and I’m sure others with this addiction) value money far more when I don t have enough. When I have plenty I throw it away.

You are a good person – you deserve a peaceful Christmas – plenty of food and gifts bought means you will be able to enjoy it .
Enjoy your rest and take a break from worrying – give yourself Christmas off to enjoy how far you have come and. how much progress you have made – and especially those wonderful grandchildren.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your thoughtful post! I’ve done nothing all day. Feel about the same. I have to get stuff done tomorrow as my oldest Daughter and Grandson are coming on the 24th. I’ve been thinking as I was resting, this has to be the last time for this addiction to take me over. Things need to change. I need to change. More barriers, finding different ways to deal with stress. Things can be different. I need to make the effort and do the work.

[finding_laura]

you are worth the effort Liz!

We make the effort for everyone else. I’m sure you are looking forward to time with your grandson as you haven’t spent as much time with him lately. Christmas is for the little ones and for simple things like good food and togetherness. I hope you are feeling better soon and well enough to enjoy it. I’m sitting here with a head full of dye! I have a few more Christmas presents to wrap and some laundry to do and I will be totally ready for Christmas. Even taking things relatively easy makes for a busy time! Take care Liz!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I’m still not feeling well but I’ve managed to wrap the Grandkids presents and do laundry. I’m straightening the house and vacuuming today. I haven’t spent a lot of time with my Grandson lately. He recently had braces pur on and his 12th birthday is in 3 weeks! I can’t believe it! My Granddaughter is crawling well and is already trying to pull herself up and stand. Life keeps going on! When I had a lot of money, I still had the same problems but I used the money to buy things and do things to temporarily suspend my feelings. I never dealt with my issues. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather have money than be broke. I will get on top again. This time will be different. Savings, savings, savings! Harder access to the money. Barriers.

[lizbeth4]

So yesterday I called the last creditor again. They said I’ve been late before so if they don’t receive a payment before the end of the month, they are going to sue me. Ok, I did a little research on the company and they do like to sue. They amount I owe them is under $1000. I can’t make a payment till the 2nd. So, there’s not much I can do. I’ve never been sued before so that is scary. I will have to deal with it! Lesson to be learned.

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth is the first a bank holiday where you live ?
Perhaps you could use that as an excuse .
Could u get an overdraft to cover that for a day ?
It seems a shame that one day will cause you so much grief .
Maybe you could pay a small amount now – a token perhaps ?
What a horrible company – another reason for us to stay gamble free – it’s puts us at the mercy of companies like this .

[lizbeth4]

This company were the only ones who wouldn’t get on my consolidate loan repayment plan! I’m still trying to figure out something.

[lizbeth4]

Ok, I found a solution. I borrowed the money and will pay the bill after Xmas as their office is closed. I had to swallow my pride. I have never asked for money from anyone. It was very humbling. It’s another lesson that I won’t forget.

[i-did-it]

Well done Lizbeth -I am so glad – now enjoy Christmas with your beautiful grandchildren .
Well done- it can be hard to ask for help especially financial help, but you have taken the brave steps you needed to .

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread Liz. I wish you a peaceful and happy Xmas. Incidentally, ihave been sued, whilst not verynice at the end of the day you can only oh what you can afford even in a Court, and you don’t have to attend either in the uk.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Monicau for your posts! Although it was hard to ask someone for help, they didn’t hesitate. Know I can relax and enjoy Xmas without that nagging worry in my head. I will see my Grandson tomorrow. Feeling a little better this evening. I really feel like I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my gambling episode. I don’t want to repeat any of this again!

[lizbeth4]

Everyone is still sleeping! Waiting for the kids to open their presents. There is a lot of food, pies, ect. My Grandson was very excited before going to bed. That’s what Xmas is all about. I can see clearly how gambling muddled my happiness, well being, self dignity. I hope everyone has a great day. Let’s look forward to a gamble free 2018!

[finding_laura]

Merry Christmas Liz!

Children really are what Christmas is about.

Our gambling actions add up to a lot of problems that will help no one. Our friends and family included. Clear sight and new lessons learned will definitely help to make 2018 gamble free. I hope you have an amazing day with your family xoxo

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I had a good day! My Grandkids had fun! My oldest Daughter made a amazing dinner. I think my Mom enjoyed herself. Yesterday was kind of shaky. My oldest Daughter talked very disrespectful to me in front of everyone. Calmly, I told her to never talk to me like that again. She stopped and was pleasant the rest of the time. I watched the baby while they took out the gocart! A present to my Grandson from my Daughter’s boyfriend. He rebuilt the whole thing and worked on it for months. My youngest Daughter said that he had a blast driving it! She sent me pics. He was so Happy! 2018 will be a gamble free year for me. That’s my goal!!!! I have so much more to live for.

[lizbeth4]

This morning I sent a money order to the 1 creditor. It will get there by Friday. I can’t be sued as I do have properties that can have liens placed upon them. I just have to keep my course. Stay strong and stay true to what I know is right. I can be out of credit card debt and tax debt in 30 Months. If I don’t gamble, falter. I cant make any more mistakes. Financial freedom! I can have savings and travel a little. That is my goal!!!! Today forward I feel like it’s going to be a better, stress free (not self imposed) life!!!! Feeling good!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth –
30 months isn’t so long – imagine being debt free- and all your income being just for you to spend how you wish! You can do do this.
Well done on your assertiveness- I am going to keep that line in mind .
Sounds like you had a pretty idyllic Christmas – so happy for you

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! My Christmas was good! I let go of my expectations and just went with it! 30 Months isn’t long to be debt free. I have to keep my goals in sight when the gambling urges arise. I talked to the last creditor this morning. They are willing to help me but I have to be 30 days behind in my payment (Jan 2nd) before they will set up a repayment plan. It’s all good! My credit is going to take another hit but that can be rebuilt too! Money will be tight for the next few months. I can cut back on things and not spend anything foolishly. I can do this!!! This morning when my sweet Granddaughter fell asleep in my arms, it was the best feeling. She loves her Nana. I want to be that good role model for my Grandkids. They love me unconditionally!

[lizbeth4]

I was thinking about my gambling addiction. I do put it on the same level as many other addictions. I’ve done it regardless of the consequences to myself and my family. When I am in the midst of it, really nothing else matters, even when I know it is wrong. I have a hero in my youngest Daughter. She was a drug addict all of her adult life, 14 plus years. She was told that she would never have children because of medical issues pertaining to her addiction. 19 Months clean and we have our miracle baby, my Granddaughter. She is working full time after never holding down a job. When I feel like giving in, I only have to look at her and know that anything can be done if you want it bad enough and you work hard enough.

[finding_laura]

It took us time to dig the hole and it usually takes time to climb out. You can do it Liz. 30 months Will go by quickly. And things may change such as improving your income. Both your daughter and yourself are examples of strength and the ability to change. Nothing is insurmountable.-Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thank you Laura for your positive post! I have to keep my eye on the prize, being debt free. I still have a cough. In fact, I went to bed very early last night and still feel like I could sleep another 8 hours. I’m waiting for my Daughter to bring the baby over on her way to work. I’m still mulling over making extra income. It can’t interfere with the days that I watch my Granddaughter. Jobs are limited here as it is a rural area. I’m thinking of advertising to run errands, grocery shop, ect. as a large number of our population is the elderly. I will figure something out. All I know is that I am gamble free for today. I plan on being gamble free tomorrow.

[finding_laura]

One day at a time Liz. If the basics are taken care of just be present and enjoy the day. Tomorrow is another day! The world is till in holiday mode 🙂 Maybe something will present itself in the new year. Enjoy that beautiful granddaughter! It sounds like she has been the start of a whole lot of inspiration. Take care of yourself Liz. I hope you shake that cold soon. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura, That’s it, living in the present! My tree and decorations stay up till after the 1st of January. I try to savor the last of Christmas. But the 1st brings in the new year with new hopes, dreams and plans!!!! One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling a little blah today! Not sure where the feelings are coming from. When it gets a little warmer this afternoon, I’m going to rake up the remaining leaves in the backyard. Keeping busy=getting through gambling urges!

[vera]

Raking leaves has been you salvation many times Lizbeth but it can be monotonous too. Do you ever go for a long walk? I like to put the earphones from my little “brick” phone in my ears and listen to music on the radio or a discussion . I helps me to keep walking. I only take short walks these days. Today, after I went to the Credit Union it was still semi bright so I walked along a footpath and around a housing estate listening to an interesting programme on “Grief”.
I know you have experienced the personal loss of your husband, Lizbeth and it will always be there. As CGs we all experienced huge losses and not only financial. We also have our consolations. Your grand daughter and grandson are your incentive for staying away from the casino. They will never know you as a “gambler” if you stick to your guns Lizbeth. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to recovery. I have had many “reasons/opportunities” to gamble over the past 2 years. Indeed, yesterday my son said he was going back to where he lives. He came first with me to the Credit Union. It was still closed for the Christmas holiday. I felt a panic rising inside me. Back to the “empty house syndrome”. An ideal excuse to take flight to the casino. “This was always my time of year for gambling”. “Nobody needs to know” . “I’ve served my time”- all these thoughts were spiking through my mind so I switched to the non gambling mindset that I have trained myself to develop. I asked my son to stay another night. He agreed. We went home and watched DVDs and ate for the night. The Credit Union business was completed today, so I’m off to a GA meeting now. It would be MUCH easier to drift into a casino and totally opt out. I did that too often. Stopped the world and stepped off but we always have to come back, Lizbeth. I don’t think I have another recovery in me. So I will keep the one I am presently dealing with, one day at a time.
I hope and pray you will do likewise.
I think there is something different about you this time, Liz.
Like me, you have had enough!
Thanks for posting to my Thread.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I don’t know what it is about raking leaves but I find it both therapeutic and annoying – as fast as one sweeps, the next lot are peering down and waiting for you to move on, ready to float down and fill the space you have cleared. I think we plod on in the hope that all the leaves will eventually come down and we can have a well earned rest!
Debt is a bit like those leaves but unlike those leaves, once they are cleared it is in ‘your’ power to never have to clear them up again. You and you alone hold the key to your future.
Thinking about you – I have loads of leaves still to clear but it is too cold and damp at the moment – or am I putting the job off?
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and Velvet for your posts. I love to walk but it is cold and windy here now. I like to walk in the evenings but by the time my Daughter picks the baby up it’s already dark outside. Can’t wait for spring so I can take my Granddaughter for walks in the stroller. Vera, I am sick of gambling. I’m tired of it. I feel like something is different this time for me also. Velvet, all the leaves are off the trees. This will be my last clean up. I went and visited with my Mom and Daughter and Granddaughter this afternoon. We had lunch together. Something inside of me has changed towards my Mother. It’s like my anger is gone. I still have my boundaries up! I feel that when I turned 60 recently that a lot of things changed internally. I know the key to everything is in my hands. I have the power! I didn’t gamble today!

[i-did-it]

A great positive post Lisbeth- I guess we all have that power – it’s just maybe it takes us time to recognise it.
It made me feel happy to read your anger towards your mum is gone – perhaps you said what you needed to say – but more likely her apology has removed a lot of the pain .
People underestimate how much a simple apology can mend – sometimes it just needs to be said – a recognition that we understand we have hurt someone else .
Keep strong Lisbeth – you have those wonderful grandchildren and Sping to look forward to .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I think I was able to finally release my anger towards my Mother because I finally realized that she will never change. And if I don’t change my attitude towards her that I’m the one who is going to keep hurting. She still says hurtful things but I’m not around her much and what she says is ridiculous! It’s not worth fighting over. I know that I’m loved by my Daughters, Grandkids and Friends. It’s all I need. Still feeling sick. Trying to get over this cold! I’m still positive about my gambling recovery! One day at a time

[finding_laura]

just popping in Liz to say Hi and see how you are doing. That cold is really hanging on. Rest, chicken soup, maybe a hot toddy.

When gambling addiction has run it’s course, when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired from gambling, we often find there is nothing left to do but change or self destruct. Too many depend on you to self destruct so I know which one I vote for 🙂 I know you will vote for that option too. Treat yourself good Liz, you deserve it.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura. Well, Today was spent resting again. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. Today I had some crazy but normal CG thoughts. Money will be real tight but doable the next few months. I will be able to fulfill my obligations and get out of the hole. I started thinking about gambling in the hopes of winning some money. We know that isn’t going to happen but the CG in me was trying to tell me differently. I fought the urges and kept myself busy till the urges stopped. It would be so easy to backside but I keep thinking of the consequences. I have too much to lose! I can’t take another episode. I’m a worrier naturally and this last few weeks I’ve had many sleepless nights about money. I can’t do this to myself again. It’s now or never!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t gambled!!!! Yeah!! This morning I made and froze some meals for next month. This will help save some money. I’m reading a book right now about obsessing about money. It’s funny but I have always obsessed about money then I blow it by gambling. The main thing that is emphasized in the book is that you have to let go and not obsess. Have a plan and have faith. Live in the moment, now! I have a lot to learn. I’m feeling a bit better and I’m going to pack up some of the Christmas decorations. It’s cold, I’d rather get back under the covers ! Lol! Happy New Years everyone! 2018 is going to be a great year!

[vera]

It always starts with the first bet, Lizbeth.
We need never place that bet.
Thanks for being first to post to my New Thread.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

[kathryn]

You’re right, 2018 is going to be a great year!
You are sounding a lot more positive and I think getting your life organised, even if it is frozen meals is a great start!
There’s always a sense of anticipation when a new year begins.
I don’t make resolutions, I never keep them !
I would like this year to be better than last year, not sure how it possibly can be but I’ll give it my best shot!!!
Lots to look forward to, small things they may be but gambling will play no part for me. I am going to appreciate each and every day!
Take care my beautiful friend,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and Kathryn for your posts! I’m very excited and positive for this new year. I think we are all getting a second round of this cold/flu. My Daughter can’t miss anymore work so I’m watching the baby today. She’s coughing and sneezing also. I’m tired of being sick. I can’t imagine having long term, chronic health conditions that others experience here. Today was pay day, after some of my bills and the mortgage payment (house my oldest Daughter lives in), I’m broke. I will be able to pay the rest of my bills and get groceries when I’m reimbursed for the mortgage on the 13th. It’s a long story but I’ve been fronting the mortgage payment to protect my credit, ect…as my Daughter’s paydays fall weird. I’m getting tired of it as it puts me in a bind for a week or so. The last gambling episode didn’t help either. So my positivity level is on the low side right now. But it will pass.

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz! (well afternoon as I finish this)

Money troubles always gave me urges to gamble. Hoping I could win myself out of the hole. Of course it was the hole I created by gambling. Probably how we got in the hole. We keep fooling ourselves instead of looking at the big picture with a clear head. It really sickened me when I realized how much money I had spent gambling. And yet I went back again.

Today I am choosing to see the clear picture! Not gambling has created the financial choices and life choices I have today. I can only focus on today! Time to tell the gamble brain it’s stinking thinking isn’t allowed. Hit the road jack! I’m with you Liz. No gambling today. I am taking Kin’s advice to Maverick. Stop digging! Sounds so simple.
Enjoy the peace of a day not gambling. Love that you are reading and growing. Have a good day Liz.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I’m not gambling because of lack of funds. That’s something I would do in the past. It only made my situation worse. Tomorrow I have a phone interview with the last creditor I have to deal with. Either way it will be paid. I will either be stretched for money for 2 months or they will let me on a repayment plan. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Then onward to pay my property taxes on the house I live in. There will be late fees but they are not too hefty. I will have to call and talk to them also. From that point, May forward, I can start saving money. So, the next 4 months, there will be very little extra money but I can do this!!! It’s a very humbling experience .

[lizbeth4]

So, I had my call this morning with the last creditor. I’m going to have to make a double payment next month. It is doable but means that I won’t have much left and will have to really watch my money. I can do This. Being sick and dealing with creditors has been challenging. I don’t have my Granddaughter today, so I’m going to rest. Tomorrow I’m taking her for her routine Dr’s visit. My Daughter had to miss work when she was sick and can’t miss anymore. I need to get better by the 13th. It’s my Grandsons 12th birthday party. My oldest Daughter even invited her Sister to attend. That’s big and makes me very happy.

[lizbeth4]

I’m not gambling and haven’t had any urges! Just trying to get my chit together. I’m really sick again. I think we are reinfecting each other. My Daughter is only working till lunch time so she can take the baby to the DR5. I’ve bought some masks to wear while I watch the baby. This cold/flu thing is really hanging on. Yesterday, 2 of my friends contacted me out of concern because I haven’t been on social media. It was nice to know they care. My hope today is that everyone has a great gamble free day!

[finding_laura]

Cold and flu season seems to be worse this year already. I hope you all soon feel better.

Being broke and dealing with creditors IS a very humbling experience. Throughout my life I’ve had personal experiences with poverty living. Some my own and some friends over the years. Before my gambling days and once I had a decent job secured I helped as much as I could, just as my family had helped me. It feels good to be in that position again. Makes a person realize what stress day to day life is for a lot of people. Here it’s because we gambled. For some it is just their circumstance. 4 months can be a long time in some ways Liz but you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eye on that and say no to any urges.

Rest up!
Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Flu seems to be getting much worse than in the past- everyone I know who has had flu has been wiped out it and it seems to last so long now .
I hope you are feeling much better – it is hard to do anything or enjoy anything when you feel unweLl- I hope baby gets on well at docs .

How lovely for you that your daughters are celebrating your grandsons birthday together . It will be a joy for you to have all your family together.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Just to say that the flu does seem to last a lot longer this season here as well. Everyone I know has had it. For me the chest infection took 8 weeks to clear and my sister just kept reinfecting all the time. It will go though as mine did. I ha e been dealing with creditors for many years and it,is humbling, i also think,it contributed to my heavy depression this time round as I was simply sick of it and living this way. Your situation though sounds very resolvable and 4 months is no time at all.

[vera]

Are you taking any flu remedy, Lizbeth? I was taking lemsip for 10 days with no relief . My throat felt as if it had been sprayed with acid and my ears were like as if two hot prongs had been inserted Even my teeth and gums were very painful. In the end I started on an anti biotic . My GP was phoning me that week with blood tests but I ignored his calls until the Thursday. I had no voice so I just croaked “hello” and he asked to speak to my husband. Told him to bring me immediately to the surgery but I was not able to go so I went next day He told me to extend the antibiotic for a further 7 days.
Perhaps you need an antibiotic, Lizbeth . Do you get the flu injection?
Not easy to take care of a baby when you are unwell.
I am the worst patient imaginable.
No physical tolerance for any pain or illness but I seem to cope with things mentally better than most (So I am told). Mind over matter, I suppose!
Get well soon and don’t worry about those creditors. The whole world is living on a deficit! Let them wait!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I am taking medicine. I start feeling better then feeling bad again. It will run it’s course. A lot of rest and fluids. I will be out of the hole in 4 Months then another 26 Months and my credit card debt and tax debt will be gone. It’s all doable. I can’t gamble and I have to be very frugal with my money. Then I’m going to save so I can travel! My dream. I want to go abroad for 2 months then I want to travel the US as there is so much I haven’t seen. I can see my dreams come true!!!! Exciting! It’s good to have goals and dreams!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still very congested. I seem to wake around 3am every morning. I got out the vaporizer with the eucalyptus pods. Maybe that will help! I’ve cooled my friendship with my friend here in town. She is a CG and spends every day in the casino. Her Husband doesn’t gamble. I told her that I’ve banned myself from the casino and that we could meet else where for lunch. She agreed. I might have to end the friendship. Time will tell. My Granddaughters check up went well. She doesn’t go back till after her 1st birthday. She is pulling herself up and standing. She’s a beauty and so smart. I have a lot to be thankful for. I need to keep my eye on my goals. Everything is obtainable as long as I don’t gamble!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling blah! I’m also finding myself getting a little depressed. I just wanted to say again to all of you that have chronic health conditions, I have so much respect for you! I hate being sick and I’m starting to get grouchy and whiny! But I know it will be over. My sweet Daughter brought soups and crackers over for me yesterday. It was very appreciated. I received a late Xmas box from a Nephew and his Fiancee yesterday. They were unable to come for Xmas. It contains presents for all of us and my Daughter can open it today. I may be sick but I am gamble free and I’ve put barriers in place to help me stay that way. Life can be hard and sad sometimes but if you really look, you can find the light, the positives. So, everyone, hang in there. Have a great gamble free weekend!

[kathryn]

Thank you so much for your post.
This flu has really grabbed you. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Grandkids, are they amazing or what?
Your granddaughter sounds like a doll!!!
I’m going to see my mum today. I kind of dread it now as I don’t know how she will be. I feel terrible saying that as she was the mother of all mothers and now I don’t want to go for fear of it making me feel depressed when I leave. In saying that, she does have good days. Hopefully today will be one of them.
The cool change came through last night, so yesterday I was wearing shorts and a tee and today I’ll be in a jumper and pants. That’s Victoria in Australia for you! 4 seasons in a day!!!
Keep looking for that light, it’s always there, just sometimes a little smaller than usual.
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I was able to get out today and I sold 2 items on a local FB selling site. So I was able to generate some cash. I’ve sold or donated many items I don’t use anymore. Grandkids are the best! They bring so much joy. Kathryn, although I’m not real close to my Mom, I see her getting weaker, more forgetful and it’s hard to see. So I can understand you being depressed after seeing your Mom when she has had a bad day. I’m sure it’s hard for you visiting your Mom. I still don’t seem to do anything right in my Mom’s eyes but I have just learned to tune her out and try to grasp any good that comes from her. It makes me try harder to have better relationships with my Daughters. I tell them how much I love them! Life is too short to be bitter, judgemental and mean. No one wins! I won’t have any regrets when my Mom is gone. I have already made peace with her in my own mind. That was a big step for me. All of my Aunts, Uncles and many Cousins are now deceased. It’s sad! It’s cool here but we haven’t had any snow yet. Very unusual. I’m always looking for the light Kathryn. There is a lot to be grateful for. Today I didn’t gamble and didn’t have urges.

[i-did-it]

HI Lizbeth,
You sound so happy despite your awful flu.
Being gamble free suits you- you have a very full life with your daughters and grandkids and if you feel your friend will encourage you back to gambling, then yes you may have to let her go . If it is a true friendship and not one based on your “shared interest” , she will meet you else where .
It might eve help her stop when she sees how you are moving on with your life
.
The sad thing about getting older is that we lose so many people who were important to us – but I guess they live on in our memories and our hearts – and as you are doing with your mum- the important thing is that we have done it best while there were here with us .

Well done on your sales – I often think how resourceful we can be – I think many of us could have built huge businesses if we hadn’t been afflicted with gambling addiction.

Get plenty of rest and look after yourself .

[kathryn]

Just wanted to let you know that I had a really good visit with Mum today, I showed her some photos of my kids (and tex of course) and she said are they yours? Yes I replied, then she said well you’re mine! I don’t know if she had a fleeting moment of recognition but I don’t care, it was just lovely.
We also had a few laughs and she told me she loved me and how beautiful I am… no glasses naturally!! Lol!
Seriously though, my spirits were high when I left, as usual I was worried for nothing. I always always tell her that she is the best Mum in the world and how much I love her. She turned 87 last month so you never know when your last visit will really be your last and it makes me feel that if she did go she knows how I feel. She was truly an amazing mother to me, how lucky I am.
Glad you sold some stuff! Woohoo!!! The wonders of the internet. I’ve bought all Harry’s school books for this year that way and saved a fortune!
I’m glad you have made peace with your mother, no regrets Lizbeth, those things can send you crazy!!
Hope you enjoy your Sunday!
Back to work for me tomorrow….ugh! In saying that I’ll be glad to have some away time from Dames, we niggle at each other when we have been together too long…looks like I’m never retiring!!! Lol!!!
Take care, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

K, I’m so happy that you had a wonderful visit with your Mum. She sounds like a awesome lady! I think that I’m feeling a little better today. I got to hold my Granddaughter yesterday. She must be missing me as she kept crawling to me and wanted me to pick her up. I’m watching her This week so my Daughter can work. I had to decide to forgive my Mom for my own well being. I had a very mentally, verbally abusive childhood. So did my siblings. It makes it hard to remember the good times. My Sister feels the same way and she deals by detaching and seeing Mom when she wants to. It’s sad but my reality. I do refuse to be her scapegoat anymore. I’ve made big steps with her. A lot of counseling and soul searching. I-did-it, I can tell that Im alreading pulling away from my friendship. She has a lot of hurt in her life that she doesn’t deal with. Im going to make it clear that our friendship cant include gambling. Today I am not going to gamble as I am worth a gamble free life. I am worth all the good things that are here for me. I deserve peace and serenity.

[lizbeth4]

I am feeling better today! I’ve taken a long hot shower and feel like a new person! Lol!!! I have several appointments tomorrow to sell some jackets that I’ve never worn. I am getting rid of a lot of my compulsive shopping items. It is good to see them go. Very therapeutic! I don’t need a lot of things to make me happy. So I guess it was a lesson learned!

[vera]

Do you get paid in cash, Lizbeth?
I did a bit of Online Selling which involved cash deals, sometimes.
Just sayin’!!!!

[i-did-it]

Yippee Lisbeth ,
I am so impressed by your resourcefulness .
I’m not sure why , but the unsinkable Mrs Brown came into my mind when I read your last post .
Unsinkable Lizbeth – impossible to keep down- forever optimistic and resourceful .
GO YOU !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Vera and I-did-it! Vera, I’m banned from the local casino and the next nearest one to me is over 100 miles away. That is a big deterrent for me! I’m in a mountainous rural area and wouldn’t drive the roads to get there at night. I’ve been using the extra money for food and home supplies. I have no other cash source till my oldest Daughter gives me the mortgage payment on the 13th. I’ve already paid the mortgage.
I’ve already asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it into my checking account for me so there is no temptation. It will go towards other bills I need to pay. She is helping me be accountable and I trust her. I-did-it, I feel like the unsinkable Molly Brown!!! It’s funny how resourceful and what we can live without when we have to. I even got out today and had lunch at my Mom’s house. She fixed a lot of veggies and salad as I couldn’t eat the meatloaf. We had a card game and I played with my Granddaughter! I even helped my Mother with a few things. Tomorrow, I will be watching my Granddaughter while her Mommy works. I’m drinking a lot of fluids and plan to go to bed early. I’m so happy to be feeling better. Being gamble free just puts me into a different frame of mind.

[lizbeth4]

I wanted to get in a quick post before my Granddaughter arrives. I’m feeling better today. I went to bed early and I’m awake early! My Granddaughter keeps me on my toes as she is pulling herself up and taking steps. She is only a little over 9 months but I think she is going to be a early walker. I woke this morning feeling grateful not depressed worrying about my losses. That’s a good feeling. Things aren’t perfect but that’s life. It’s easy to focus on the negatives but when you find the positives it changes your whole outlook. Today I will not gamble. I will live in the present and enjoy my life. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling even better today! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap. My 2 sales yesterday didn’t come through. I’m ok. Saturday, I will have my Daughter make the deposit for me when we get back from my Grandsons birthday party. Even though money is tight, I shouldn’t complain. There are many others that have less and it seems like there is always something that needs to be paid. Money!!!!! I’m grateful that I am gamble free. Life is never perfect but mine is very content and peaceful. Some may think it is boring but I like it like that. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[Monica1]

Just a short visit to say thank you for your posts on my thread. Such little things mean such a lot. I am really pleased you are feeling better.

[lizbeth4]

This morning I was listening to the rain and watching the geese by the pond across from me. Life is really cruel sometimes! It makes you question things. I ran into my youngest Daughters friend and her Mother at the grocery store yesterday evening. The Mother is in a wheelchair now. She has lupus and many health issues from it. I’d seen her shortly before my Granddaughter was born. She is my age and has decided to stop all treatment, surgeries, ect… On top of that her Husband was just diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. They are very wealthy and were generous as they bought a bassinet for my Granddaughter and threw a baby shower for her. It’s sad and makes you realize how fragile life is. So while I feel like sometimes I’ve really screwed up my life, it is fixable. No gambling! Live in the present. Love my family and friends. Be kind to everyone as you don’t know what they are going through.

[kathryn]

I’ll take a boring life anyday!
Glad you are feeling better!
Sounds like you had a great time with your grand daughter!
Happy to read you’re being accountable to your daughter. It really eases some stress, pressure and temptation.
I’m having a tight month too! If I didn’t have so much on it wouldn’t be a problem.
Enjoy your peaceful day,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! My Granddaughter is taking a little nap so I have time to jot a few thoughts. I’ve figured out that I can work on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays as I babysit the other days. I’m not sure of the specifics yet. Looking at the ads and thinking of placing my own ad. ???? A little bit more money coming in would help. I will figure it out. I told my friend here that I’ve banned myself and I won’t be gambling. We will see if the friendship will survive. It rained today and is very cold here. I wish I had bought a home with a fireplace. Maybe next winter, I can buy a fake one. I’m still feeling better. Mentally, I think that I’m in a better place than I’ve been for a long time. I’m seeing things clearer and I know that gambling can’t be in my life. I finally have faith in myself.

[vera]

If the friendship was based on gambling, Lizbeth, you are better off out of it. I met a few “friends” in the casinos. When I stopped gambling, I often had thoughts of getting in touch and I did with one or two. Guess what the conversation always led to???
I think you have a wonderful way of bouncing back and seeing the good in everybody, Lizbeth. The downside of being too kind is that we can be taken advantage of.
I think it was Mother Teresa of Calcutta who said
“Be kind anyway!”or words to that effect.
Have you any particular type of job in mind ?Will earning money affect your pension?
Perhaps the local Employment Dept. might know of some available jobs. One bit of advice I would give is not to take on a long commute. I worked 12 hour shifts when I went back to work at age 52 and had a 35-40 minute drive both ways.
I hear you about not having a fire, Liz. We have 2 stoves and an open fire.
I don’t think I could live with artificial heat .
All first world problems!
Not gambling is our greatest bonus.

[lizbeth4]

Vera, Thanks for your post! I can’t make over a certain amount or it will affect my pension but I’ll never meet that working part time. I’m more worried about being in a higher tax bracket. It would have to be in town. No long commutes. If I wanted that, I would move back to the city. I think my friendship will be over as she isn’t interested in going to the movies or really doing anything. That’s ok. I can make more friends. My choices in my price range were limited when I bought my home. A fake fireplace would work but it will have to wait till I’m in a better position financially. This year I will have 2 small loans paid off. I’m paying very high interest rates. Then more money will be freed for savings. Vera, I feel like I’ve been taken advantage of in the past but I would not go back and change what I was able to do to help others. It’s another lesson learned. You’re right, not gambling is our biggest asset.

[lizbeth4]

I have a few minutes to journal my thoughts before my day begins. Fear and stress just add to your anxiety. Sometimes we have to let go and give it to God. That’s what I’m experiencing now. I have a few extra yearly bills due in the next 2 months. I can’t stretch my money that far. I’m figuring out what else I can cut back on. Is there any bills I can juggle? I have a few more things I can sell but these items have sentimental value to me. But they are only things. Today I am going to be grateful for being gamble free, having good health and many things I take for granted. It’s going to work out. I do have faith.

[finding_laura]

Morning Liz!
It’s been a little bit since I was able to catch up with you. I’m glad you are finally feeling better. That was a long haul!

They have some beautiful electric and propane fireplaces now. Definitely something to put on the wish list for the future. Nice to feel like a future without gambling and it’s consequences is a real possibility. One saved for, earned and enjoyed. You have made so many changes in the past month. Making all sorts of connections yourself. You are an example to your daughters. And to your mother. She may never change but don’t doubt the fact that there are changes in you that may spark some slight awareness in her before her death.

I’m really proud of you Liz! Which may not really mean anything as after all I’m kinda a strange sort of pen pal! But I hope you are really proud of yourself too. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what to change or how but you have found your groove!

Have a good day Liz. You’ve made sure it will be gamble free. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Thanks for your support! I do feel proud of myself! It is a good feeling. I went over my finances and cut back on some of my monthly payments and I juggled, I think I will be able to make all of my bills the next few months. Yes, it will be tight but I can do It! Surprisingly, a cashiers check was in the mail today for the mortgage payment, which I’ve already paid. I’ve asked my youngest Daughter to deposit it for me tomorrow. I am going to treat my Daughter and myself to Chinese food on the way home Saturday from the birthday party. I know a inexpensive place that has good food. I hardly ever eat out and we don’t have any Chinese restaurants here. Little things! No gambling =happy life!

[kathryn]

Glad to read you have sorted those finances out! Money may be tight, but they’ll be paid!! Once it’s done it’s done!!!!
Dames has gone away for he weekend. I finished work early and dropped in to see Brea and Tex. it was lovely!
I’ve had a nice hot shower, scrubbed my hair and have a new nightgown on that Brea bought me for Christmas.
It’s almost my bed time. I’m working all day tomorrow with Jode, we are cleaning. A big day but one spent with my best friend.
Have a good weekend,
You’re doing great! Enjoy the chow!!! Yummmm!!!
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I’m going to bed way too early as it is dark here by 6pm. So I’m waking in the wee hours of the morning. Today, I have some bills to pay and rake up the front yard from the windy storm the other night. I have a HOA so I need to keep up on everything. Today will be another gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

I’m getting ready to travel to the city for my Grandsons birthday party. It’s about a 1 1/2 hour drive one way. We will be traveling back after dark. I’m not crazy about it as it is mountain roads but it is doable. The last few days I’ve been struggling with my recovery. It’s been a battle in my head. I’m really trying to do the right thing as I will loathe myself if I gamble and put things into jeopardy if I use money tagged for bills. I’m fighting hard right now! Please pray for me. There is no way that I will be able today so I’m hoping the urges will subside soon.

[Monica1]

Just said a prayer for you. I always think when an urge comes up, that I am going for life not destruction because that literally is the choice we are making. Think of me stuck in my own personal hell for 5 months now and make good choices. Gambling to self destruction is what got me to this point. Now have you got your barriers in place? I know there probably isn’t anyone that can manage your money for now but surely you have blocked on line gambling sites?
Thinking of you and hope you have a good time at your grandsons party.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I’ve never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I’ve abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven’t bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I’m choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn’t holding a charge. I can’t afford another phone right now but I don’t have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I’ve fixed it!! Yeah !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your support and prayers. I have barriers in place and my youngest Daughter is helping me with accountability. I’ve never gambled online. But there are other forms of gambling besides casinos that I’ve abused: scratch tickets, lotto tickets. These are very addicting. I haven’t bought any for years. Just having these overwhelming thoughts in my head is irritating. I’m choosing to focus on my Grandson and my family today. The urges and thoughts will pass. PS: I feel like I can be very resourceful when needed. My cell phone (which I just paid off) wasn’t holding a charge. I can’t afford another phone right now but I don’t have a landline. I went online and troubleshooted the problem and I’ve fixed it!! Yeah !

[vera]

The urges will subside, Lizbeth , when they know they have no outlet.
I hope you enjoyed your grandson’s birthday. Family occasions can cause us to be apprehensive . The CG part of our make up will always be there to offer us a “crutch”. Ignore that temptation. Lizbeth.
We know how to walk without crutches now. We have a superior bag of tools!
We know where gambling always leads us!
Not today, Liz!
Drive safely!

[lizbeth4]

Vera, The urges did subside! We just arrived home. The party was fun. My Grandson is taller than me. Which is no surprise as he is going to be very tall like his parents. He is 12 years old now and on the cusp of being a teen. My youngest Daughter had fun. Just to think that 9 Months ago my Daughters didn’t even talk to one another. A lot has changed and my Granddaughter has helped pull our family together. My Grandson loves his baby cousin and is so gentle with her. She was sent to us!!! I believe in miracles. No gambling for me!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m feeling so low and depressed. Honestly, I’ve been feeling this way for the last couple of weeks. Even the people closest to me don’t even notice. There’s no connection there! Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like just giving up ! I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. But something inside of me won’t give up! So there still a little spark inside of me.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth please my friend hold on to that little spark and never go into complete darkness, I am so sorry I haven’t posted to you for a while I have just been struggling myself and in truth also been in complete darkness and really struggling to find any light or any spark, but you are so very right there always is and please never forget that.

I understand when you say there seems to be know connection with certain people and I find it the same no one really seems to know me……….know what I want…….what I need…..what I am about……….but hey keep fighting my friend please.

So now onto the calming side after my panic rant lol, just take a step back and look out a window or yet again go for a walk, walk or look slow Lizbeth not quick or fast…….look at silly things like trees, flowers……birds……..water…….I strongly believe there is something in everything………..I don’t want to upset you by saying the wrong thing but your husband is in all those things……………because he is around you always close by I have always felt and believed the people we loved who have passed from the world are still so very close to us, I cant share everything I know on here because people will just think I am weird (more weird than they think I am now lol) but I promise you Lizbeth with regards to certain things I know more than most and that’s all I can say.

Lizbeth I love seeing you around and always love reading your posts just so very sad at times to see you struggle so much, I have a scan tomorrow and in truth I know its not going to be great as I know my own body, but hey I am 41 years old and in fairness I have enjoyed my life very much…..probably too much to be fair lol………..and there is two ends of the spectrum here……..grandma in law is 92 and still fighting on and my friends daughter 4 years old and struggling to survive a really bad situation……whatever happens I know I am very lucky.

Lizbeth you are a wonderful women and I am so very happy to know you, please don’t reply today I know it takes a lot of energy at times but please just read…………..relax and enjoy…….breath the fresh air outside your door and relax……contemplate life but please don’t regret……..we all do what we do and in truth if I had my time again I would do exactly the say…………am I stupid most probably but hey whos perfect.

Lizbeth my friend my thoughts and heart are with you, keep smiling and most of all please never give in!

Your friend always.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, Thank you for your post! My Husband and Grandmother are always with me. So I’m not alone! I’ve had many experiences regarding them. Things a lot of people either wouldn’t believe or would make them think that I’m very strange. So i will just leave it like that. I went and saw my Granddaughter today. I played with her and acted silly. It helped release some stress. She looks at me and sees Nana, not this sad person, insignificant person. I know that only I can change how I feel. No one else can do that for me. It’s easy to stay stuck but I’m trying to move forward. I was so tired this afternoon so I curled up on the couch and slept a few hours. I feel like my mind is clearer. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m not gambling!

[kathryn]

I’m a believer!!! Ive had a few things happen to me over the years too…….
Oh Lizbeth, don’t you see?
You are not insignificant.
Look at your granddaughter. She obviously adores her nana. You are a massive part of her life.
What about your daughter? What would she do without you?
Not to mention GT……
Your name is all over this forum. Not insignificant, but clever, smart, witty, truthful, soulful, deep, thoughtful and full of advice and support.
You affect people in ways you will never ever know.
Everything you say and do affects someone in some way.
I think that is a wonderful quality, to touch others you have never even met. To take the time to post, to read, to listen.
I know you are in a funk, it will pass.
I believe when we feel down a wall goes up. We don’t want to communicate, we feel isolated and alone.
I know those around you can see this.
Maybe they just don’t know what to say and hope it passes?
Keep being the beautiful person you are.
You are ANYTHING but insignificant.
Love K xxxx

[finding_laura]

Good morning Liz. Your visit to your oldest daughter’s for your grandson’s birthday party went well! The anxiety before and and the relief after probably triggered some urges as I see you were having some around that time. So much support here, I hope you feel a little less alone. I think you may be falling victim to PAWS. It’s just something to keep aware of as your gamble free time adds up.

This information applies to gambling addiction also, they are finding more and more similarities to how our brains react to gambling and drugs.

https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/post-acute-withdrawal.htm

hope this info helps.

Keep up the great work Liz. One day at a time!

Laura

[vera]

Curling up on the couch for a sleep is the best medicine when we are tired, Lizbeth. You had a long journey and a party to enjoy, in between. Travelling as we get older , and with increased traffic, can be stressful in itself. Remember, you are also recovering from flu and none of us can act like 25 year olds anymore!
Saying no to gambling today will strengthen you to give the same response tomorrow.
As soon as the thought flashes into to your mind , stamp your feet and shout “NO”!
It works!

[alliesmum]

Hi Lizbeth
Have just been reading through your recent posts and thought I would share my favourite quote with you –

‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light’

Lots of love xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you everyone for your support! I am in a funk. No motivation. Feeling lost. I wanted to isolate again today but I didn’t. One of my Nephews is in town. I spent some time with him, my Daughter, Granddaughter and my Mom. I also forced myself to go grocery shopping. I looked at the ads and clipped coupons. I was amazed at how much I bought and how little I spent. I tried to talk to my Mom and Daughter about my depression, ect.. but my Mom isn’t very empathetic and my Daughter is going through some of her own stuff right now. So I really appreciate all of your support right now! Our 1 department store is remodeling and hiring temporary help for 4 Months. Of course something is wrong with my computer and my tablet and phone doesn’t support their website. I’m going to the library tomorrow morning to do the application online. I called the personnel office and almost all of the positions are full. I’m still going to give it a try. My money issues are all not from gambling. But it didn’t help! Compulsive shopping and spending recklessly, and some poor financial decisions helped to put me in this situation. When you can’t pay your bills, it is the most helpless feeling. I don’t want to lose my property as it is one of the only stables in my life. I can’t downsize as property here is very expensive. I’ve gone through all of my options in my head. More income is neede. It will only be temporary. I’ve been out of the workforce for 9 years. Before that, I was at the same job for over 25 years. So this is kind of scary for me and a big leap. I didn’t gamble today. I can’t gamble tomorrow!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Getting out and meeting people is a great tonic for a low mood.i hadn’t heard of PAWS before but it does make sense.
I hope the application goes well. Being back in work may well give you a new lease of life . Hope your world feels a little brighter today.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I’ve been awake again for awhile. I’m going to sleep very early in the evening. I’m just exhausted! Laura, I’ve just read the PAW article. It describes what is going on with me. It does make sense. Im so off. I’m not myself. I’ve always compared gambling addiction to other additions. Today, I’m determined to make it a good day. Of course, no gambling! I will be picking up my Granddaughter after submitting my application. I’m asking for a night shift so I can still watch my Granddaughter. My Mom can help for a few hours a day. I feel so drained, everyday. I need to find a solution as this is getting overwhelming. I do look for the light everyday but it’s hard to find!

[lizbeth4]

I have no motivation but mustered up enough energy to go to the library this morning and submitted my application on line. I then went and picked up my Granddaughter! I put together a high chair that was sitting in a box. My Granddaughter is walking with assistance from her walking toy. She is into everything! LOL. I had a lot more energy 12 years ago when my Grandson was born but I’m managing. Hope to get out of this funk soon!

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling low and struggling but I’m getting through the day. I need to stay strong for my youngest Daughter and my Granddaughter and myself. I cant lose myself. I’m hoping to hear about employment that I applied for yesterday. I will have to look into other avenues also. Hanging in there! No gambling.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz
Completely get how you are feeling, remember you have just had a flu virus which always has a bit of an aftermath. Good luck with the job hunting. We are both actively looking and I wish you well in your search.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! Oh my, my house, yard need some attention. I can’t believe how long the flu kept me down! Well, I have a interview tomorrow! The job is temporary, 4 months as it is a store remodel. If I get it, the money will pay my property taxes, 2 small loans and enable me to save the rest. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

[i-did-it]

Praying you get that job Lizbeth .
Are you struggling because of the flu or struggling with gambling?
Either way I hope the struggle gets easier xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it! I hope I get the job also. I’m struggling with gambling thoughts but I’ve banned myself from the local casino. I’ve been depressed about money. Going over my finances and I’m unable to cover everything next month. This job would be the answer. The worry causes stress which triggers my gambling urges. I have to let go and give it to my higher power. I have to have faith!

[lizbeth4]

PS: There are other forms of gambling which I have done, scratch tickets, lotto tickets. I don’t want to go to other avenues. I have bans and barriers in place. I need to stay busy. Between watching my Granddaughter and working, I will be very busy! LOL!

[i-did-it]

Stay busy Lisbeth .
Every lotto nite I check the time and think I need to go .
Every lotto nite i get busy and when I check again it is too late .
I feel disappointed I missed out on my big win( cos the chances are high???lol) and I feel relieved I haven’t gambled.

It’s such a strange addiction but keeping busy is one of the best ways of controlling it

[lizbeth4]

The interview went well. I have the job! Waiting for my background check to be completed. Then I will have orientation and training. Feb 11th is my projected start time. My Granddaughter is sleeping. I’m not as depressed today as I know that financially I will be able to pay off some debt. This is a big step as I haven’t worked for 9 years. I will have to readjust my sleep pattern as I will be working the night shift but it is doable. No gambling today!

[i-did-it]

Wow. – massive congratulations to you Lizbeth .
Well done.
I am awestruck by your determination.
I hope you love ur work and earn loads .
Xx

[Monica1]

Really pleased for you Liz. This is great news.

[finding_laura]

Congratulations Liz! Both on the new job and the gamble free living!

It can be tough the first while with your brain learns it must change as you are not going to give in to its demands for more! Affects moods! But making progress, finding ways to live and move forward, those things help. I’ve been doing some reading and cognitive behavioural therapy is one thing that is used to combat urges and gambling. Maybe do some googling or searching on you tube. It’s amazing what is out there for free.

Real life might not be perfect but it’s a whole lot better without the damage of gambling in it! Have a nice evening.

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I passed my background check. Now I’m waiting to be scheduled for orientation and training. If I don’t hear from them by Monday, I will give them a call. The next 4 months will be hectic. My Mother is going to help me with my Granddaughter while I work. A few hours in the morning so I can get some sleep. No time for gambling. I do believe in a higher power and I’ve been putting all of my faith in her.

[kathryn]

I am soooo pleased for you!!!
Congratulations!!!!
I’m sure you will really enjoy it, you will meet some new people and I hope you are funk free really soon!!!
Have a great weekend!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I’m a worrier, big time! I haven’t gambled! I’m so glad that I banned from the only casino in town as I think I’d be gambling right now. I haven’t bought scratch tickets either, though I’ve wanted to. I made all of my bills this month. Next month will be a different situation. Even working, I won’t get paid in time to cover everything. So, some things will be late. Oh, I have to let go of the worry as it causes me so much stress. Tonight my Granddaughter is spending the night so my Daughter can go out. I will focus on the joy she brings me. I will live in the present and have faith that everything will work out. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I have orientation on Tuesday then job training the rest of the week! Feb 11th will be my start date. I don’t have to buy any clothing as I have clothes that fit the dress code and shoes. I’m excited! It is a manual job as we have to remodel and re-stock the whole store and it is large as it is our only department store. I will have to get acclimated to standing for 8 hours. Thank goodness that I have brand new shoes with good support that I bought some time ago. I’m breaking them in now. LOL! Honestly, since I received that call, I haven’t had any gambling urges. I have renewed hope that things are looking up!

[i-did-it]

Truly great post Lizbeth .
You are always an optimistic person and your optimism has paid off .
I love when I don’t have to buy work clothes ( seems such a waste !)
I think the job sounds fabulous and as well as earning you will get to meet new people
And it’s extra good you are not having urges ‘
Well done Lisbeth – this didn’t just happen – you made it happen !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I really try to find the positives in life but sometimes it’s hard. I have to be resourceful as I have no one else to rely on. I think that’s the hardest part of not having my Husband here. I always knew I could rely on him. We made it through many hard times together. My Granddaughter’s stay was good. She makes me happy. I saw my Mother today. I really try with her but she still says her snide remarks and tries to discredit me. I will never figure out why. Even though it hurts, I try to blow it off. I’m going to limit the hours that she watches the baby when I work because she will be complaining about that next. It’s only 4 Months and that will fly by. I wouldn’t mind a part time job if I like it there. Anyways, no gambling thoughts or urges today! Hope everyone is having a great gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

My Grandson and ex son in law just called me to see how I was doing. How uplifted and happy I feel. There’s nothing to compare to this feeling.

[kathryn]

You never know, this job may lead to bigger and better things!
When I started my current job I went from a desk job to standing at least 9-10 hrs a day. It took 2 weeks for my back to adjust, it was so bad I thought of quitting !!!!
Heat packs and balm fixed me up!
You will be fine!!!!
Glad you enjoyed your grand daughter. I went and saw Tex today, hadn’t seen him all week and couldn’t stand it!! Lol! Made my heart sing…..that child!
Have a good week,
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post! I woke to snow this morning. We don’t get a lot but it was well past due. I really believe that everything is going to be alright in my life. I didn’t make this financial mess in a day so it will take some time to make things right. I have to believe in myself. Although I sometimes feel all alone in my journey except for the support from GT, I will be all right. I’ve been out of the workforce for 9 years so that is my only hesitation. But I’m ready to take the plunge so I can move forward. Life can be so beautiful if we let go of the negatives and just enjoy it. I’m not gambling. I don’t want to gamble either. For now I’m going to curl up under the blankets and watch TV. Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[i-did-it]

I have to agree Lizbeth – the support on here has been incredible -it has certainly saved my sanity over the years . I too feel alone in recovery so the kind people on here are incredibly important for me .

I think Epsom salts baths are incredible if you have aches and pains so maybe buy in a stock so you are ready to relieve those back to work aches . Old fashioned but I swear by them !

You really are doing so well Lizbeth – I continue to be blown away by your motivation and energy .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I have Epsom salts. I swear by it also. I wanted to share this quote as a lot of us forget self care. “You can’t pour from a empty cup, take care of yourself first.” author unknown. Putting myself last has always been a downfall for me. Taking care of myself and putting myself first is a priority. It will help in all areas of my life even my gambling recovery.

[Monica1]

I think that is so right. I have earned a lot of money in my time and have supported my family financially. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely nothing, no assets, everything in my home needing replacing. I got lost along the way. So recovery comes first now. We need to do this for ourselves, whether this is deemed to be selfish by others or not. We can do this.

[lizbeth4]

Thinking of you today Monicau. I’m up early waiting for my Granddaughter to arrive. Tomorrow is orientation. Surprisingly, I’m not nervous. I just want to get this show on the road! LOL! No gambling urges! It’s going to be a great day!

[i-did-it]

Good luck for tomorrow Lizbeth .
I will be thinking of you – you brave and incredible lady !
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you i-did-it. My oldest Daughter just text me asking if I could stay with my Grandson for a week in March. They want to go on a hiking trip. I had to say no as I am working. I feel so guilty but I have to take care of myself first! Guilt feelings are another of my triggers/issues. Something I need to work through.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz, have a great day at orientation. I always have a guilty conscience. Doesn’t really matter if I did anything wrong or not! But you can retrain yourself to know, you have to put yourself first or you can’t be of support to anyone else. As your quote above shows us. Really very happy and proud of you Liz. You have tackled a lot lately. Really, banning, did some counselling, standing up for yourself more with your mom, dealing with debts and got a job! Awesome work! Epsom salts have magnesium in them which is really good for muscles. It is also one of the building blocks of our bodies. Each and every cell needs it to function. So enjoy your epsom salt bath!

Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! Orientation was fun. I even participated in the activities. The next 3 days are training (computer self paced) I really enjoyed myself today. Everyone was very nice. I really think that this will be good for me. My oldest Daughter never text me back. I never say no to her. They can go on a hiking trip some other time. No guilt feeling now! I have to take care of myself first!!! No gambling thoughts!

[kathryn]

You’re going to love it!
Look at you participating in activities and all!!!
Great for self esteem, and keeping those gambling thoughts at bay….win win my friend!!!
Your daughter will get used to the fact that she will need to work around you for a while. She’s proboably used to having you at her beck and call!
Keep enjoying,
So happy for you!
Love K xxx

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
You sound so alive and happy in your post .
Yes it’s hard for others when we fill our time and are no available all the time – but they will get used to it .
I sometimes think saying no makes people respect us all the more .
I take it you didn’t need the Epsom salts bath lol.

Hope you enjoy tomorrow.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn and i-did-it for your posts. Today was kinda of a blah day. It seemed like anything that could go wrong did. I tried to make the best of it but I was a little grouchy by the end of the day. Tomorrow is a new day! My oldest Daughter text back ok to my text saying no to staying with my Grandson for a week. I feel like I’m always there for my family and it’s ok if I
say no! I might need the Epsom salts soon. My neck and shoulders are tight and sore from sitting at the computer for 7 hours! Lol! Still not having gambling urges.

[lizbeth4]

I’m so bummed! I’ve past all of the computer tests and I’m working on the store floor. I detest it!! Really!!! I’m at home right now having lunch since its 1 hour long. I know the answer is to hang in there but I don’t think that this is for me. ??????????? At least I’m not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Just think of the money Lizbeth – and ***** off the days .
I think most new jobs are horrible at the start until you find your feet , feel part of it and confident in the tasks.

When I have been in jobs I hated , I *****ed every fifteen minutes in cash lol- it kinda helped remind me why I was doing it.
Hang in there for as long as you can and get that cash together to give you a bit of relief from worry . Just keep thinking of pat day !!
It will pass – but I know it’s really hard to live through
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your supportive post! I really needed it!! I have to remember why I’m doing it! I need to hang in there. It will be a relief when i have that extra cash. A big stress relief
I have 2 days off. Time to get caught up on things. I might watch my Granddaughter tonight. I need to have more faith in myself. I am out of my comfort zone. But that can be a good thing. I need to work with it and not against it. Number 1 is that I’m not gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t sleep well last night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. Ugh, so frustrating. I think that I am my worse critic. It’s almost like I sabotage myself. I know that I am a strong woman. I’ve navigated almost the last 5 years without my Husband. I’ve rebuilt a new life, new house, new hometown. New way of living. I haven’t gambled and have banned myself. I can get myself out of debt and stick to my budget. I have to give myself more credit and believe in myself!!!! I’m worth it.

[Monica1]

Hi, thanks for your post on my thread. What is it you don’t like about your job? I am also my worst critic so know how self defeating this can be? And you are right, you can do this!

[lizbeth4]

I can’t pinpoint what it is that I don’t like about the job. I haven’t worked for 9 years, that might be part of my anxiety. I’m going to hang in there. It’s only temporary, 4 months. I can do this!

[Monica1]

4 months you can do Liz! The days go so quickly now, and I know you can do it.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau! I was thinking, I worked at my last job over 25 years. This job is completely different. I have to give it time.

[lizbeth4]

Well, I resigned tonight. I’ve never quit a job. I totally hated the job. No organization and very little leadership. I’m disappointed in myself for not hanging in there longer. It is what it is. I will look for something that suits me better. Also, I will tighten my budget more. I have a headache. Going to rest.

[kathryn]

There’s plenty more jobs in the sea!
No use being totally miserable!
At least you know you can get a job, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you though.
Onwards and upwards!!!
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn for your post. It will take me thru May to pay my obligations and be back on track. It’s doable. I think I’ve been out of the workforce too long. Honestly, I was having anxiety attacks. It’s scary what the brain will do. A part time job would be more realistic. Number one is that I’m not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth , you are right – life is too short to be miserable !
So it will take u a little longer to get back on track- but you will.
Happiness is priceless

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. My Granddaughter is taking her morning nap so I have time for a little posting. I slept really well last night. It’s a wonder what sleep or lack of can do to you! I’m planning a little walk (stroller) this afternoon when it warms up. I haven’t been doing my daily walks lately. My friend (gambler) called yesterday. I was surprised. We are meeting for lunch on Friday. It was good to hear from her. She knows about my banning, ect. I am grateful that I am gamble free. Life is good!

[Monica1]

Life is indeed too short and there are too many rubbish jobs with awful employers out there so you did the right thing for you. It is about what we will tolerate in this life and you made a good decision. Shows good self esteem. Well done! Onward and upward.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post and support. I think that I made the right decision on quitting the job. The supervisor and next person in line tried to talk me out of leaving. But in my heart I knew it wasn’t for me. I can’t be miserable. There are some things going on within my family right know. I’m listening and being supportive. I’ve only given my opinion when asked. Some people need to grow up!!! I am happy that gambling isn’t in the equation for me. It would just mess things up!

[lizbeth4]

Have a great gamble free day everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I slept really well last night. But I went to bed very early so I’m awake unusually early! Lol! My family drama continues. I am being supportive but not getting involved in it. If that makes sense. My direct deposits are in my bank account. All of the money marked for debts. I must remember that worry doesn’t change anything. I need to have continued faith that everything will be alright. I am doing the right things, no gambling, banning, ect… I will get through this and come out stronger than before. Sometimes I just need to find one small positive to help me through the day when I’m feeling a little down. Today: I get to spend the day with my Granddaughter! Joy!!

[i-did-it]

Well said Lizbeth – worry doesn’t change anything and yet we all do plenty of it .
You are doing great – enjoy your time with Baby.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I understand only too well the feeling of anxiety when returning to work after years away and I think you did well recognising that your happiness is more important.
You did what was right for you and that is how it should be
Well done
Velvet

[Monica1]

I seem to have done my fair share too although have had a fair few things to worry about. I agree re grandkids, seeing mine on Sunday. These what appear to be small things actually bring a lot of joy. I really like your statement about having faith that everything will be alright. I need to cultivate that!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post. I can’t compare my problems to yours. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m complaining while you are going through so much. I keep praying for you. Tonight I decided to give myself a little treat, a vegetarian pizza and side salad. Little things really lift my spirit. I did some socializing today. I went over to my friends new place that they are renovating. Tomorrow is cleaning and laundry day. Fun, not!!! My Grandson called and he has straight A’s again in school. I found room in my budget to buy a little something to send him. So precious but growing up too fast! No urges! But I know I will only be one step away from gambling. I don’t think you are ever cured. One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I had a good feeling moment yesterday evening. I recommended a guy who has done some hauling work for me to my friends who are renovating their home. He is supporting a Daughter and works 3 part time jobs. That’s a trade off for living in a rural area. They liked him and have a lot of work for him. They also gave him some furniture, like new. He text me, so appreciative and thankful. Just had to share.

[finding_laura]

I couldn’t quite catch up on everything Liz, sitting is done for the moment. But you are navigating what you need to. You are making your own decisions. Taking care of your own sanity. Other jobs out there more suitable to you. Thanks for posting. keep up the good work and remember all the great things about Liz! xo

[lizbeth4]

Today I’ve struggled with negative thoughts. All of the what if’s and regrets and fears of the future. I know I have to stay my course and get through this. I managed to go grocery shopping and went over my budget as I needed baby supplies. I cleaned and finished laundry. My youngest Daughter is struggling. Her manipulative ex boyfriend and father of my Granddaughter is out of jail and calling her. She has broken up with her new boyfriend. I fear she will return to the city and him. He does drugs and cheats on her. I fear my Granddaughter will end up in a bad situation. Also that my Daughter will return to drugs. I can’t stop her as she is a adult. It’s enough to make one want to relapse. I’m staying strong and trying to be a positive influence for my Daughter. Oh, life can be hard!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Those are rather huge worries you have Lizbeth . I probably should know but do you see a counsellor – that is a lot to carry on your own.
Of course none of this might happen – your daughter is an adult but could you speak to her about it all. Could her ex have come off drugs while in jail? I think asking a few questions might help .
Well done on setting a good example xx

[lizbeth4]

Ugh!!!!

[lizbeth4]

I found a way to gamble yesterday! Omg! I have the gambling hangover and I’ve further damaged my money situation. I can only blame myself. I am so scared right now. Why? I self destroy myself. As i-did-it stated in her post, I’ve missed a lot of opportunities because of my gambling addiction. I’ve done so much counseling, family, marriage and addiction. I’m not getting something. Today I just want to be free of the ties of my gambling mind. I hoped that I didn’t wake up this morning. I just wanted the pain to end. What kind of role model am I? Right now, I feel like a useless, horrible person.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
Just as I have identified people putting me down is a trigger for me I think maybe worrying is a trigger for you . Could you on some level want a big win to get your family away from danger ? Or perhaps you just want to escape the worrying for a little while.
I feel gutted for you and I don’t suppose any amount of advice is going to tell you anything you don’t already know . Just be kind to yourself Lizbeth – forgive yourself And try to move on .
You are not horrible or useless – and you are a great role model of love and caring, for your children – which is the best kind of role model any of us can hope to be

Remember each of us are so much more than a stupid addiction xx

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
Brush yourself down and be thankful you have not damaged yourself beyond repair.
I am so pleased that you woke up this morning so that you could write in a forum where you are cared for very much.
You are a great role model because when you have a slip you don’t dress it up with excuses but you face it and get on with your life.
I think you have got ‘it’ but ‘it’ temporarily fell off the shelf and now ‘it’ needs a bit of tlc and understanding.
Believe in yourself Lizbeth. See gambling for the enemy it is to you, accept that your mind will turn to it when you are not feeling on top of things but ‘know’ without a shadow of doubt that you have the strength to control it.
Speak soon
Velvet

[kathryn]

You are going through huge stress at the moment.
Don’t let this set you back.
It’s a slip.
Nothing more.
Gambling hangovers are awful!
Just keep swimming my friend.
Velvet is right, the addiction will rear its ugly head when we are at our weakest.
I need to keep that in mind myself.
Love K xx

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,
Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.
Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,
Do you have barriers? How did you get access to gamble? I think everyone has said the right things and it is just a slip. It looks like worry for you particularly about the family that is a trigger. I was triggered today too with an email saying my six month timeout was over.
Anxieties are so difficult to deal with on our own, we need to share them. R u still seeing your counsellor?

[lizbeth4]

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. I think that there are ways around barriers if you want to gamble bad enough. I found a way unfortunately. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been a unhappy person for many years. I feel that when I was dealing with people that I love addictions that I lost myself and my happiness. It started 13 years ago and included a infant, my Grandson whom we parented for 5 years. It changed me completely. A lot of pain and uncertainty, loneliness. Trying to keep a marriage together also..my Husband’s death. I don’t think I’ve dealt with things in a healthy way.
My whole world was turned upside down. Instead of learning, I jumped into addiction myself. I could have been a drug user, alcoholic, but I choose to be a gambling addict. Tears are falling now as this is so painful. Today, I was in the middle of family drama concerning my youngest Daughter. Believe it or not, my Mother and I are on the same page with this, only our approach is different. I’ve been through a lot of counseling through the years. There are 2 counselors in town. I’ve seen them both, multiple times. I feel like they are not knowledgeable about addictions. This week I have to deal with the aftermath of my slip. The overdraft fees, ect. I’m putting things into jeopardy. I think I can cover everything this month with my direct deposit on the 15th. I really didn’t want to wake up today. I’m ready to go on to the next life. But i woke up and have to face everything. I’m very miserable and unhappy. I never have found my niche or place in life. I have no passion. I need to live my life for me and find my happiness. I don’t want to go on like this.

[Monica1]

I was thinking the other day about how amazing some of the folks are on this site. That included you. We have all been through so much loss and pain which seems to be part of the human condition. It’s crummy and Lord knows why some suffer far more than others. Some of it is our choices and I acknowledge that but some is just stuff that happens. I think we look at our lives when we get to 60, a time of deep reflection. We no longer believe the rubbish we are sold on tv and the news. And We lose our belief in many things we find to be fake. Like you, I chose gambling as an addiction, because I had lost too much in life and chose gambling as my escape. I too have been very unhappy from just before I started gambling six years ago now. Deeply unhappy, possib.y the deepest because there was a large spiritual component to it. But we have to go on, despite it all. I know that feeling well of not wanting to wake up and I have felt mostly like that In Recovery but also when losing heavily in action. I want to go on because of those who I love in this world, my children and grandkids. They do not need me leaving the planet right now. And neither do I or you. We have to recover. And as for finding our passion in life, this changes over time. Things I was interested in years ago no longer interest me. It will always change. What things interest you?

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I believe we are all a little damaged. Some things are in our control, some aren’t. My kids and Grandkids are my life also. I’m just so tired! This addiction is so overwhelming and draining. I’ve never have felt revalent. I’ve always have had low self esteem. Many things in my life have contributed to these feelings. I think when you get older you aren’t so naive and you can see through the crap. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want the pain I feel to go away. But that’s not going to happen as I would never commit suicide. So, I have to continue on and try to make a more healthy life. I am in charge of my happiness. My interests: vegetable gardening, taking walks, fishing. I’m not a crafty/artsie person. Would like to be .

[lizbeth4]

I can feel myself unraveling! I’m going into a deep depression. I’m filled with sadness and I feel very alone. The only support I have is here. I’m going to try and get outside today and get some sun. Otherwise I’ll stay in bed all day.

[velvet]

Dear Lizbeth
I hope you are getting out of bed and getting some of that sun. Staying in bed is going to keep you locked in your sad feelings whereas sun and fresh air can breathe hope into your thoughts.
I think a lot women feel alone at times even when they are not, I can’t answer if men feel this too. I find the feelings inexplicable when I have them and it doesn’t help when people tell me to ‘come on, you’re alright’. On this site though we don’t say that, we understand.
I suggest you make yourself a nice drink and perhaps read a book that has positive characters in it. Think about the things that give you pleasure, the successful things that you have achieved – your grandchildren, your children during their good times, your gamble-free days, the regard that people have for you on here.
Do you remember the running thread that used to be on the site, where we all listed the thing that made us happy – I loved the posts that mentioned going for a walk on a spring morning, going barefoot in soft sand, watching a child sleep? For me it would be playing my ukulele (probably badly) and singing with my friends. .
Life isn’t perfect Lizbeth but duvet days don’t make it better. Write a list of things you could achieve today and then tick them off as you do them – don’t make it too difficult.
Thinking of you
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Velvet, Thanks for your post! I really needed some logical input today. All of my support comes from this site. I am alone. When I am going through difficult times, my own thoughts can make things worse. So, today I’m not going to think about my gambling aftermath. I’m going to just try to make my day as positive as possible.

[Monica1]

All my support comes from this site too and it has been a little quiet of late. Vegetable gardening and growing things is pretty amazing. I know that feeling well of just sliding into a deep depression. I wasn’t like this before gambling so that is the cause of it. And the past few months for me have all been duvet days cos I can’t afford to go out the door! The depression lifts somewhat when we stay gambling free. It isn’t as bad as it was before. It still is t good because of my situation but the wanting to die has gone. Gambling is our enemy Liz and we need to treat it as such. It is a false friend. And it is the biggest drainer of all in every way. I hope your day is going better, they fly past so quickly.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
I have a busy life but I think truth most of my support comes from this site- it is really important to me – I read your posts and I think your life is so full- I guess none of us know how another feels .
Keep strong Lizbeth- you’ve got this !

[Raynor98k]

Hi Liz,

I think a problem a lot of us have on here is trying to find something that is as exciting as gambling was, but something healthy. The problem with addictive activities is the massive release of dopamine caused by these activities. Our brains are not able to process these activities in a healthy way, so when we experience them all we can think about is “Remember this! This is important!”. As advanced as our brains our, it’s amazing at the flaws they still have. I am struggling to find an engaging activity after gambling, everything just seems so slow and boring to me.

Overcoming an addiction requires a complete life change. Right now, I have been taking it easy and going on a lot of walks (something I never used to do). I want to explore more activities and see which ones click. Recovering is really about retraining your brain to handle less intensive stimulating activities. Over time, your brain will heal and learn to adapt to more normal scenarios. Hope you are doing well

–Nick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau, I-did-it and Nick for your posts! I’ve read a few articles about the chemical changes that occur in the brain to addicts. It’s interesting and makes sense. I took a short walk as it was cold and very windy. I haven’t looked at my bank account yet. I really don’t care today. I’m in that I don’t care mood right now. I will have to face things but I don’t have the energy now. I’m drained. Tomorrow will be better.

[lizbeth4]

I finally looked at my bank account. Not good! Could be worse. I really have no words to describe how I feel right now. Disappointed in myself. Still depressed and unmotivated. I’m going to see my Granddaughter later today. That will help brighten my day. Still having urges even after this disaster.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m not feeling well. Sore throat. I’m staying home and resting. I’ve made a tough decision to ask a family member to sign a $2000 loan for me. I have 2 high interest loans that need to be paid off asap. Yes, I took out these loans after 2 gambling slips. I don’t ask anyone for anything so this is a BIG decision for me. I have to swallow my pride and be honest and accountable to them. I am also going to ask them to help with my money and finances and to travel with me over 1 hour away where I last gambled to ban myself. The worse that can happen is that they say no. I have to get a grip on my finances. I’ve decided to continue my counseling as I have many other issues that I think are tied to my addict ion. It won’t hurt. Hanging in there !

[i-did-it]

Hi Lisbeth , I hope it works out with the loan – well done on your determination to self ban. Continuing counselling seems like a really goood idea .stay strong !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Jappy and i-did-it! I was nervous all morning and had a upset stomach. I made the call this evening as my family member doesn’t live here. She said yes and instead of giving me cash, she is paying the bills. We agreed to a monthly repayment amount and she’s not charging interest. She will go with me to ban but it won’t be till next month as she has a busy work schedule. My Sister said I could talk to her anytime and that she could easily be a CG if she had more free time. She was very understanding . I am back on track financially. I’m not going to mess it up again. I have a counselling appointment next week. I have to stay on track. Feeling better now!

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m feeling more hopeful! Very tired though. My Daughter called at 2am. My Granddaughter was running a high temperature. I went over and between the Tylenol and sleeping in Grandma’s arms, she woke this morning feeling a lot better. Teething is awful! My bills were paid online this morning. I’m so grateful. Now it’s up to me to be true to myself and do the right things. I need to stick to my budget and absolutely no gambling!!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
That’s great news . Being free from the awful stress means you can be available for emergencies like when your daughter needs your help with Baby.
Lizbeth , do you recognise your triggers and is there a strategy you can use when you feel triggered ?
I am asking because my slot machine addiction hardly calls to me at all recently but the urges to do the lottery are so strong – I don’t really know why .
The important thing is your bills are paid and you can get on with your life !

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, my triggers are boredom and stress. If I can keep busy, I can usually get through the urges. And I’m trying to control how I react to the stress. Years ago, I was addicted to scratch tickets. I bought them daily. I thought I was doing good because it kept me from the slot machines. It’s all part of the addiction. I think when I became burdened with giant amounts of stress when dealing with my Daughters drug addiction and raising my Grandson, working, ect…everything started stressing me out. My life was lived on the edge. I never knew what was going to happen. Would my Daughter be missing for weeks, parenting a infant at age 48. Trying to keep my marriage to a alcoholic intact as I couldn’t deal with a divorce on top of everything else. It’s a wonder that I didn’t lose my mind LOL! I now realize how strong I really was. And it was worth it as my Grandson is a amazing, smart and beautiful soul. He is the love of my life! I am glad my financial mess is cleaned up as I am going to be in the city on 2 different occasions next month watching him while my Daughter is out of town. With that stress gone, I can just have one on one with him. Life can be good!!!!

[kin]

Hi lizbeth4,
It was nice to read about your progress with all the different challenges and burden that life throws at you.
You have my deepest respect!
Best wishes,
Kin

[i-did-it]

Lisbeth , that is such a lot of stress especially at a time of our lives which can be difficult for us women anyway.
I guess a lot stress can be reduced by money and hence we chase the big win.
You have taken steps to reduce that stress now so you can enjoy the time with your grandson.
I’m not sure how we can avoid stress in our lives and I think the kind of stress which we have when we are older has little to do with deadlines which can be helped by a few breathing exercises ! However we have both learned that the temporary escape we get from gambling only increases our stress.
I am writing this and all the time the “big win” is swirling around my head – this disease is horrible !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin and I-did-it. I obviously don’t handle stress very well. That is something that I continuously work on
Sometimes my brain overreactes in certain situations or I totally shut down. I still think about the big win at times. Our society revolves around money unfortunately. When I gamble, I do cause a lot of stress for myself. Why? Anyways, I’m not gambling. I’m getting back into my daily walks and taking care of my health. Life flies by so fast. Have a good weekend everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Today I consciously made the effort to do something nice for my family. I spent the day with my Mom, Daughter and Granddaughter. I purchased dinner stuff and prepared it at my Mom’s house. We had salmon, asparagus, and baked sweet potatoes. I bought chocolate creme puffs for dessert. It was delish. I did all of the clean up. My Mom was very appreciative. It was a good day! Tomorrow will be spent cleaning up a few leaves in the front and back yards. Maybe reading a book. I hope everyone is having a great gamble free weekend.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,that sounds like a really lovely day . I am considering moving closer to my family at the moment . I’m not sure if it’s viable financially but I would love to able to have days like that .

You sound happy . It just goes to show that your recent decisions were the right ones.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post. Today I was so unmotivated and I did nothing. I have to watch that as I seem to get into a pattern of doing nothing or little for days. I’m putting on the weight I lost. Tomorrow, I’m taking my Granddaughter for a long walk. Fresh air and exercise! Plus it helps to clear my mind.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been rainy and cold here. It’s not helping my motivation. I’ve done little today. I’m watching a series on Netflix. Binge watching. Tomorrow is a new day. I’m going to visit my Granddaughter. No gambling=happiness.

[Monica1]

I have spent most of my recovery time doing very little for the first time in my life. I get what you say about better to do something than nothing but really, it doesn’t matter. If you feel like doing nothing, don’t, and don’t feel guilty about it. I understand the motivation thing Liz and comes with depression and the aftermath of quitting gambling. Pre gambling I was the most driven person and now I have to give myself time and space to find the woman I used to be. And binge watching is infinitely better than gambling.

[i-did-it]

It must be a post gambling thing but I have watched a every series of my crazy ex girlfriend, all of Atypical , and several other full series of others shows since I stopped gambling .
I binge watch and love it – the great thing about Netflix is you can actually have conversations with people about it – I couldn’t sit in work and discuss gambling on line until 6am!

Perhaps we beat ourselves up too much – my motivation is pretty low too – but does it really matter for now ?

Just maybe we should allow ourselves to actually enjoy those lazy days – guilt has become such a huge part of our lives .

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau and I-did-it for the great advice! I don’t have to be motivated all the time and it’s okay to have lazy days! I agree, I think the guilt of gambling makes me feel guilty if I’m not actively doing something. I’ve worked all of my life since age 12 (babysitting) so I’m allowed to be guilt free if I want to binge watch all day long! LOL! There’s a lot of shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime!! Today was spent with my family. My Nephew cooked dinner for us and made sure to include a lot of fresh veggies for me. Almost 6 months meat free. I do feel better! Another cold and rainy day. My days are filled with more meaningful things than gambling.

[lizbeth4]

So today has been a bummer! I’m sick with a cold again. I pride myself on not being sick very often but since November, it’s been the flu and colds! I ventured out and bought some over the counter medicine and Kleenex! More binge watching. Through all of this, I’m having gambling urges. I think I know the source. It’s coming up on the 5th anniversary of my Husband’s death. The day after my youngest Daughters birthday. I have several counseling appointments before then, so I will address my feelings with her. I wonder when these overwhelming sad feelings will subside. Working on this! Good positive note: my Daughter is doing some work for my friend in town. She likes my Daughter and is very generous to her. Well, time for Netflix!

[Monica1]

I think this season it has been recognised that colds and flu are taking a very long time to go. Nearly everyone I know has had it and go a number of times, it took 8 weeks for my chest infection to clear. But it will clear Liz.
You are making the right moves re counselling to talk about how you feel re the anniversary of your husbands passing. It will help, I am finding the gma counselling helpful and positive in very difficult circumstances. As for the sadness, we will have good days and not so good days. It is testament to the love you had for your husband that you feel like this Liz. Not gambling puts us in touch with those feelings we had stuffed down be it grief or anger and they are better out than in. Sometimes the manifestation of illness is the body processing and releasing those feelings. When we get better, the feelings pass and we can then again focus on moving forward. I feel for you Liz. Reaching 60 seems to be a deeply reflective time when we contemplate our lives and all,sorts,of sadnesses and memories emerge. But I genuinely, in all my difficulties don’t think we will be stuck like this for ever. It will pass. Lots of love to you.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! I’m feeling a little better today. Watching my Granddaughter this morning while my Daughter works for my friend. Grief is so hard. I’m forever tied to all of the memories (good and bad) regarding my Husband. He forever holds a part of my heart and soul. I have to leave the what if’s and regrets behind and move forward. It’s time now! I’ve made many mistakes after his death but I’ve made a lot of good decisions too! It’s time to really live in the present. I’m ready! No gambling =happier me!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
I hear you about the never ending flu.
Tonight I felt
So bad I wondered should I go to hospital and yet now I feel better (kinda).
These flus are horrible -but I am trusting Monica when she says they will go eventually .
Grief is a strange thing – I’m
Not sure if you ever get over the loss of a loved one and I’m not sure that you ever stop having regrets- I’m guessing if our loved ones had went first they would be going through the same feelings.
Lizbeth you have made many great choices / decisions since the death of your husband. You are a devoted grandma and a wonderful optimistic person, no matter what life throws at you.

[lizbeth4]

I made really bad choices today! I’m disgusted, hopeless and a disgrace. I can barely post here. I’m at the end of my rope! Having bad thoughts again. I’m a failure. I’m so tired of this life!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth ,
Why are bad choices so much easier to make than good choices .
You are not a failure – you just made a bad choice !

But I understand the horrible feelings that come afterwards .
I am (perhaps wrongly) assuming you gambled .

I hope if this is the case that the damage isn’t too bad .

Lizbeth you are a wonderful caring person .
You deserve peace in your life .
Stay strong
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your kind post. I’m not feeling very deserving right know. Yes, I found a way to gamble. The loss wasn’t a lot but never the less damaging. Today is Presidents Day here so all businesses are closed. Tomorrow I will need to make a few phone calls and make arrangements to make double payments next month. I will have some over draft fees and a low bank balance. The vicious cycle goes on. Today it is raining and lightly snowing. I can’t continue living like this. In truth, I’m not living. I have to recognize that this defect is keeping me from living a fulfilled and happy life. Today this has to change. Life is what we make it. Right now I am living in hell. I want to be able to truly feel joy, happiness and peace. Instead I always have gambling or the residue of it lingering in my head. This has been going on for a long time. I feel like a tortured soul. Evil has been winning. Today I am taking back my life!!! Today, I just want to live in peace, happiness! It’s my choice. My future depends on my choices today.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been a crappy day! I decided to tell a friend that I was a CG! It didn’t turn out so well. I put my trust out there and that’s something that is hard for me to do. She was appalled that I’ve gone through my savings and am having money issues. She just couldn’t understand how I’ve been so immature. I feel like this has changed our friendship as she will never look at me the same. Learn and Live! Now I feel myself going back into my cocoon . I already felt poorly about myself. I’m dealing with the consequences of my last slip. I’m going deeper into the black hole. Next month, I will be cutting corners and paying only what I can. But I have to face this and keep remembering what happens when I gamble!

[i-did-it]

Aw Lizbeth , that is so hard.
Many people regret telling others .
I have ignored all advice to tell others.
Your friend may research gambling addiction a little and come back with a more supportive attitude . I think many people must find it totally incredible that we would throw our cash away in such a seemingly reckless manner . We find it totally incredible ourselves a lot of the time .
Addiction stinks – and unless you have got one, you don’t really understand .

I hope you feel better – it is hard when we confide and then feel let down .
Onwards and upwards Lizbeth !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. I’ve always been open-minded and have had a few people confide in me. I’ve never judged and have been supportive. Maybe I don’t need her friendship anymore. When I’m made to feel badly about myself by a friend there is a problem. She acted like I had leprosy. She’s no angel! Lol! This just makes me retreat into myself again. Trying to stay positive right now. Figuring what to pay next month and what bills can wait. Why do i put myself through such torture. Family issues still going on but I’m staying clear of them. I have my own issues to straighten out. Doing this on my own this time!

[i-did-it]

Something is telling me ur friend protesteth too much – cud she have a gambling problem?
Just a thought

[Raynor98k]

Hi Liz,

Thought I’d stop by to offer some support. I am sorry to hear about your friend’s reaction to you opening up to them about your problem. In my opinion, their answer was very immature. It falls along the same lines as someone looking at a homeless person and saying “they should just get a job”. They don’t know what their past was like, or their current situation. Everyone is fighting their own battles, and although your friend may not have an addiction, they should be able to show a little sympathy towards you. Just my 2 cents.

Anyways, I believe in you. I believe in all of us. Getting over an addiction means creating a lifestyle change. I’ve never really had goals or values before, but I added a couple values:

– Never act on anything out of impulse (except survival situations)

– Be true to yourself

I do not fight urges. I understand that urges are part of the recovery process. The more you do not give into them, the easier it gets. Whenever I get an urge, I put it front and center, “Oh hey, I am having an urge to gamble. Let’s role play this really quick and see what will happen”. I then realize that whatever money I wager, I will lose. Doesn’t matter if I win, I will give it back because the system is designed that way. I then bring up one of my goals: owning a house. I tell myself, “I know that whatever money I risk, I will lose. That will put me further away from my goals. Acting on this urge will also violate my value of being true to myself. I am not going to be in secrecy anymore.” By the time I run through all of this slowly, the urge fades quickly. Just some tips I have used that have shown success. You can do this, I believe in you. Make some goals and create some values. What kind of person do you want to be? Then, talk things out. Be aware of your thoughts. You can create a new life for yourself, it just takes a little bit of planning and some work, but you can do it. Take care

–Nick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Nick for your support! I was thinking the same thing about my friend. Could she have a gambling problem? Nick, I will use your techniques when I have urges. It’s worth a try! I need to set some goals and stick to them! I don’t know where I’d be without the people from this site. You don’t judge. You are supportive and give me good advice. I feel better after reading your posts. I’m going to be alright.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. My friend who has cancer knows about my problem and just recently how she felt about it came out to the extent that I do t want to speak to her for a long time. Even though she apologised for offending me. She did much more than that so, her whole attitude and blaming of me, calling me victim mentality sickened me. I agree re idis post about friends knowing. You find out a lot by tellingbpeople we thought we trusted as friends.
Sorry you gambled. Setting goals is good as long as we have the motivation to fulfil them, something I really struggle with.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monicau for your post! My friend wasn’t really a friend. I’m hurt but ok with ending the relationship. If she had come to me with a problem, even if I didn’t understand it, I would have been supportive. It hurt but I can move forward. I woke during the night feeling scared. Scared because this addiction is so intense and has robbed me of cultivating relationships, caused me stress and had ruined my finances. Deep down in my soul, I can’t gamble again. I think it would send me over the edge. I’ve lied to creditors, people I love and to myself. I can turn this around with hard work. I just need to do this, once and for all.

[Monica1]

Re once and for all. Surely my story of getting stuck in rock bottom is enough to stop anyone! This addiction is scary as it robs us of everything and it is insidious. We end up not trusting ourselves which is pretty awful, like we have an inner battle going on. I don’t want the addiction to win and be the end of me. As it surely will if we continue to gamble. I know I can never do it again, ever as it would also tip me right over the edge if I am not there already.. I have learned the hardest way imaginable.

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, I read your posts and I know that what you are going through could happen to any of us here. If I keep gambling my finances, relationships and health will suffer. I’m not getting any younger and the stress of all of this is starting to take a toll on me. Yesterday I told my youngest Daughter about my last gambling episode and she replied that I should sell my home and move in with my oldest Daughter. ???? I don’t know how that would solve my issues. Also, I never want to live in the city again if possible. I never understood what she meant by saying that. So, I’ve decided not to confide in her again. Posting here and being able to speak openly is the best therapy for me. Trying to get motivated to make a few phone calls and made up excuses to juggle some bills. This is the last time!!!

[lizbeth4]

So I’ve talked to 2 creditors and they’ve lowered my payments for next month. The 3rd creditor hasn’t replied to my email (The way they want to be contacted). This is the last time I juggle money because of my gambling. I’ve really been thinking hard about my years of gambling and how I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. I feel so much shame and sadness because this addiction is so intense and destructive. No more! I can’t gamble anymore. I want to live a good life!

[Monica1]

liz, we are the same age. Moving in with my daughter was also suggested to me but they don’t actually have the room. This was an acknowledgement of my loneliness and Pete problem. So, I get why your family are suggesting this and they are probably looking for solutions that would help your situation, even though in reality it could,possibly cause more,problems than they solve. My mum is aged ie 84 soon and frail. But she still lives independently with support and does her,own cooking and cleaning. Leaving her home is the very last thing she would want. I support her in this and really get it. I probably would never gamble again if I lived with my family but is,it the right thing for us in our hearts? For me, it,would, just alter the dynamic of why I did it in the first place. i live in the city and cannot bear it either as fresh air, nature and and the sea Give my soul a huge sense of peace and calm. The city just has the opposite effect. I think we need to find our own solutions to where we live, what we do etc. Despite the wreckage we have caused, we still have our own needs and what resonates or feels right for us is what it is and neither of us are decrepit and beyond taking care of ourselves, well for me not totally. There is still life left there!
You haven’t played it,all down to the level,I did Liz but as you say this could easily happen to any one of us here. Getting stuck in the aftermath, bankruptcy, depression and ill heath.
So, we move on and rediscover who we are at 60. I mean, 66 is the retirement age here so there is still time to repair the damage, what age is retirement for,women in the US?

[lizbeth4]

Monicau, People in the US can get Medicare and full Social security at age 65 but a lot of people work into their 70’s. I am happy where I live, a rural small town. I lived in a large city till my Husband died. I have a small yard where I can have a small garden and I have a pond across from my house and get to see a lot of wildlife. I would be miserable in the city and it wouldn’t solve any of my problems. My Mother is 80 and in good health. She lives down the street from me. Longevity runs in my family for the women. Most have lived into their 90’s. I want the rest of my years not to be ruled by gambling. My 3rd creditor isn’t working with me. I will be able to pay everything next month but them. 1 payment is doeable but not 2. I will face the consequences. I feel better as the days go by after my last gambling episode. I’m going to be alright.

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling anxious and stressed tonight. I have 2 high interest loans because of poor credit. And because of gambling. I have 1 more payment on one loan and 9 more payments on the other one. What a nightmare. So frustrating. Never again!!!! What a waste of money. I am just sick to my stomach. I have to let go of it but not make the same mistake again.

[lizbeth4]

I had a restless night. Replaying things in my head. Omg! All of the stupid things I’ve done for gambling. I became someone I didn’t like or know. One thing I now realize , it’s never too late to turn your life around and stop the gambling, the madness. It may be hard to get out of debt and regain the trust of people you care about , but if you comitt to recovery, it is possible. I’m starting my new life! Exciting!

[lizbeth4]

Last night I couldn’t sleep again. So, I looked up some verses in the Bible regarding money, worry. They helped to soothe me and I slept for a good 6 hours straight. I had the money to pay bills until I blew it on my last gambling episode. Why would I continue to fo this when I know the pain it causes? I’ve written down some goals for myself this year. All are obtainable if I don’t gamble. Today, I am posting online some items for sale. Hoping to make a little money. Next Sunday I will be in the city with my Grandson for 1 week while my Daughter is on a back packing trip. It will give him and I some bonding time. We are expecting some rain and snow this afternoon. Yuck!!!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
I’m glad that you have made your goals obtainable Lizbeth, I am a list writer and I always make sure I can complete the ‘to do’ list by not putting much on it.
Have a lovely week with your grandson Lizbeth and forget your worries for a while.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet! My goals are obtainable and I’m excited to achieve them. It snowed a little yesterday and is cold here. Just enough snow to make the forest look beautiful. Although it’s only been a short time since I’ve gambled, I feel so good about it and don’t miss it at all. In fact, I feel relieved. A week from now I will be with my previous Grandson, creating memories. What could be better?

[lizbeth4]

Today I am crushed, sad. I’ve been crying and so heartbroken. My Mother unleashed on me again. This time was in front of my Daughter and Granddaughter. She told me to get my axx out of her house. I was told how terrible of a human being I am and she tried to demean me with horrid statements. She became aggressive and in my face. I am so sad. I have no bond with my Mother. I’m devastated! I won’t go back. As I live in a small town and down the street from her, maybe I should move back to the city. Of course, I won’t make any sudden decisions. I have to weigh everything. I have to investigate if I will be able to rent a apartment as my credit is poor. As much as i love it here, cutting myself off from her completely is what I need to do. Surprisingly, it didn’t trigger any gambling urges. I’m stronger than I thought!

[lizbeth4]

My day is getting better! I watched my Granddaughter for a few hours. She is precious! She is 10 1/2 months and already taking a few steps. My Daughter was supportive and gave me a lot of hugs. I am in charge of my happiness. I am breaking the bad patterns. Ones I’ve lived with since childhood. Not gambling makes me have to deal with life and reality. As hard and emotional as it was today, it was a life turning moment. Life continues and I will be ok.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
sorry it’s been so long since I stopped by. I’ve been busy healing from surgery. In my case that seems to involve a lot of sleep. So much has happened I’m to sure what to say first. I think Nick has some good practical suggestions about how to deal with an urge. I know P used to talk about surfing urges like a wave, something to google for another day.

I’m glad Monica, IDI and Velvet were around. When in my gambling days I would feel I was on a downward slide into a deep dark pit of despair, anxiety and destitution. I would keep thinking I’d get off the slide at different points. Things that should shock me (like getting high interest loans behind my husbands back) only registered for a moment. As long as I had money to gamble again nothing else mattered. But that is the problem. Real things matter.

I don’t know is now is the time to make such a big decision as selling your house. I’m not saying not to think about it if it is part of a well thought out plan, but be careful. Don’t free up a lot of money before you have this monster under control. And only then with some strict measures in place. Or next thing you’ll be wishing you got off the slide before you sold and spent it. Your daughter was probably thinking strictly from money standpoint when she said sell and move in with your older daughter, would free up money without your other daughter losing her home. But the dynamics would do your head in I would think.

It’s sounds like your mom has always chosen you to torment and be downright nasty to. You’ve never been offensive in anyway here Liz, and you’ve been here a while. True character takes time to bubble to the surface when we meet someone. And I’ve never seen anything in your character that earns you the treatment your mother gives you. If she won’t respect you Liz, please respect yourself. Don’t go back for more punishment xo
So the topic of friends, telling people we are a CG or not, and what to do. I’ve been of the mind the fewer but trusted people that know the better. I have a ring of people around me who chose to understand the addiction because they loved me and one who was a fellow CG her self. We were roughly of the same time but then I went a little awol. Anyway I am so very lucky in that way, that I have people like that. People who I truly hoped would be there for me and they were. But I also have people who were told by my husband (he told his family to which he regrets as they couldn’t keep quiet about it in the family and community) and they were not so understanding. They look at you like a crazy person who went on the street corner handing out all your money. The feelings of your friend’s reaction will pass, but unfortunately when a friend lets us down like that, well sometimes they just really aren’t the friends we needed and thought we had. Do what comforts you Liz. But somehow gambling has to come off that list. I hope this IS your life turning moment and you can put this firmly in your past. We are all here together. Going for the same goal. Have a good night Liz, take care.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post! I keep going back to my Mother because I want to have a bond with her. Sadly today I realized it isn’t going to ever happen. Her relationship with my Sister has been trumulcherous also. My Sister has shut our Mother out of her life for 1 to 2 years at a time, several times. In fact, she just came back a few months ago after nasty things were said to her by our Mother. This time was the last time. I can’t bear it any more. I wouldn’t sell my home until I thought about it for a long time and weighed everything. My youngest Daughter did have my best interests at heart. I think she was thinking financially. Living with My oldest Daughter would never be my option. My friend is no longer talking to me. She wasn’t a true friend as she judged me. I wish her well. I need to get a life. Really!!!! Lol!!!Thanks again Laura for your post as I know that you are recouping from your surgeries. Your support is greatly appreciated.

[lizbeth4]

Yesterday i was able to sell 2 small items. I made a little money so I went to our bargain store and bought pastas and sauces, pasta side dishes and some wonderful lemon shortbread cookies. I didn’t realize all the store had to offer. Today I have 3 items that have been sold, I just have to deliver. Again, small money but enough to treat my Grandson to pizza and wings when I visit in a week. My budget is so tight and still I’m $150 shy of what I need next month. I’m not borrowing from anyone as I can’t afford any more payments. I want to build a $1000 emergency fund but can’t find any extra money right now. Keeping my fingers crossed that I have no emergencies
Re: My family issues, although it makes me sad, I have to respect myself (Thanks Laura). For too long, I’ve placed myself last. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world. I have friends in the city but none know of my addiction. After my fiasco recently with a ex friend, I’m no longer willing to share this info. As for my family, there always seems to be strings attached so I don’t rely on them much. I have to rely on me. I know I will be alright. My health is stable with medications and in April after my obligations in the city, I’m going to check into some part time jobs here. This time I’m not going to be picky. I’m going to do what I need to boast my income. Gambling has taken a lot away in my life but it’s not taking anything else!!!

[lizbeth4]

More family drama! My recovering adult daughter wants to leave and return to the city with my Granddaughter. Back to her drug addicted boyfriend. She has no car, little money, and no support there. What is she thinking?? Astonishly, I haven’t had any gambling urges!!! Just heartbroken.

[lizbeth4]

After meditating, praying and saying my daily affirmation, my Daughter called. She seems in a better frame of mind. I’m truly just listening as I don’t want to get into my Mom lecturing mode!!! Tomorrow she has a job with my Realtor, so she can borrow my car and the baby can spend the night with me. I’m so happy that I’ve come to the point where the gambling urges are not surfacing as stress is a big trigger for me!! Thank you God for letting me be present and here for my Daughter.

[lizbeth4]

This afternoon I had a conversation with a long time (29 years) friend about my Daughter as she has experienced drug use with her children. Let go and give to God was her message. I knew this in my heart but having her reaffirm it helped. I could talk to her about anything but my gambling addiction. Sad! After my fiasco recently, I won’t share that secret with anyone else. At my counselling session today, I had a breakthrough. I realize that I’d been taught to stifle my emotions and that’s how I’ve been living. I never dealt with my emotions. It was seen as weak to show emotions, such as sadness or disappointment. I had to always act like everything was happy and good. Believe me it wasn’t!!! I grew up in a very mentally abusive and dysfunctional house. But you just went along with it. I remember crying at night after I was in bed so no one would hear me. You had to go along out of fear. I was a shy, introverted child. I’ve screwed up so many relationships because of this. It’s not a sign of weakness to show emotions. I feel this is a part of my gambling addiction. Maybe it was a form of me having control of something in my life. Not that I had control but thought I did. Something to think about!

[lizbeth4]

Having my hot tea and trying to wake up! Picking my Granddaughter up this afternoon for our sleepover. I’m leaving on Sunday for the city. I’m going to connect with a few friends while my Grandson is in school. I wish I was financially sound right now. But if i keep on my path, I will be eventually. Patience! Today will be gambling free. I add up the months instead of days. Anything that keeps me motivated!!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Being present for our children is probably the finest gift we can give them and you do it so well. Your mother is such a poor role model but she is her own worst enemy.
Look after yourself Lizbeth, I know you will never get in to any of your mother’s modes you are far too kind for that.
I hope you have a lovely night with your granddaughter – you deserve to have a wonderful time.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your kind post! It’s easy to be drawn into the negativity from my Mom but I refuse to do so. I love my kids and Grandkids more than anything. Not gambling does keep me present. It doesn’t make up for the times I lost with them due to gambling but it does show them that I am here now!!! I’ve been productive and sold 2 small items yesterday. Items that I don’t use or were bought in my compulsive shopping days. I’ve listed 2 more items this morning. I’ve been putting this money into a tin container for extra money. As all of my income is going to bills and debt repayment. This fund is for traveling to the city and incidentals while I’m there. Maybe a pizza night for my Grandson. Maybe a treat of a raspberry tea or chocolates for me. Not a high amount of money, just my little stash. Life is getting better for me. More peaceful and I’m feeling more content. I’ll be filing my taxes next month and should receive a refund from the state again. I will be putting this into my savings and will be almost at my $1000 emergency fund. Things are going to be alright. No gambling urges!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Great post .
The emergency fund will give you peace of mind.
Hope you are over the upset with your mum.
You have so many positive things in your life – you are doing great !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your support. I just got my Granddaughter down, she still wakes up once during the night for a bottle. I’m listening to the rain and relaxing. Yes, once I have my emergency fund I will feel better. My Mom and I aren’t speaking. I need a break from the madness. I’m not mad at her but I’m tired of the disrespect. I do have a lot of positives in my life and that’s what I am focusing on. Good nite everyone

[i-did-it]

Goodnight Lizbeth (sounds like the Waltons which I am watching right now).
I wrote recently about becoming bitter – I’m wondering if that’s what has happened to your mum.
Take a break Lizbeth – u deserve to be respected .
Enjoy your granddaughter and focus on the things that bring you joy. There is enough to drag us down in this world .

Onwards and upwards

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! Good night John boy! LOL! My Mother showed up with a bouquet of flowers and cinnamon muffins this afternoon. She apologized for saying mean things to me! My Daughter and Granddaughter were here I accepted but I’m still wary of her. Within a few minutes, she was talking bad about a relative of ours. She is a bitter person!! I-did-it, I don’t think that you are bitter. Maybe you are seeing things clearer since your not gambling. I enjoyed my time with my Granddaughter but I’m tired now. Lol! I sold 2 more items and netted another $25. These are things I usually donate but I can use the money. I’m going to talk to the company ($150) that I can’t pay next month. Maybe they will work with me. It won’t hurt to try. It’s cold, rainy, and lightly snowing here. I’m in my warm jammies curled up on the couch getting ready for some Netflix. Better than gambling!

[lizbeth4]

The new set up here threw me for a loop at first! I thought I was on the wrong site. It looks good and was easy to maneuver. Today was payday! I paid all bills due and even sold another item. I called the loan company, which I can’t pay this month. I finally talked to someone who helped me. My due dates have been changed. Everything is doable! Doing laundry, ect as I leave Sunday afternoon for the city. I’ve set up a breakfast date with a good friend. Looking forward to some away time and time with my Grandson. No worries of gambling. I don’t go into the city casinos and I have a lot to keep me busy. Going to the park with my Daughter and Granddaughter. It’s going to be a good day!

[lizbeth4]

Even though I feel like I’m doing well in my recovery, I know that I have a long ,long way to go! It’s going to take awhile and hard work to get to where I want to be financially. I’m working on other aspects of my life too! But I feel confident that these will improve also. This month, 2 separate weeks will be spent on the city. In April, I’m going to look for a part time job and possibly volunteer somewhere 1 day a week. Plans and goals are good! No gambling =a more peaceful and content life!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Plans and goals are great – I think volunteering is an excellent idea -I would love to volunteer in a charity shop – I would love to create nice displays on the shop floor.
What do you think you might do ?

It is niece to get away from you own house a there always seems to be things that need it be done .

No gambling is life changing – and we deserve it !

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, I think I would volunteer at one of our thrift stores as they donate to either women and children or our Animal Humane Society. I’m also interested in our town’s senior center. I feel like I need to give my community and to feel like I am doing something of importance with my life! I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety the last 2 days. I’m thinking it’s due to going to the city. I don’t deal with traffic or traveling very far to get to wherever I’m going. Small town living is so different from big city living. I feel safe here. I’ll get over it! Spending time with my Grandson outweighs everything. No gambling=making goals and plans!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
i’m at the end of a posting spurt. Back getting sore sitting so I’ll have to go for my walk and do a few exercises. You have been doing great Liz. Nicks idea of a $1000 emergency fund has everyone motivated 🙂 I get anxious too. Any time I have to deal with making phone calls to any kind of agency or company. Silly isn’t it? I mean I could be calling to correct something on an account and I still get anxiety. I think calming ourselves, facing the task, and getting it accomplished helps. Have to get through it. No more escaping. Which is what sends us gambling. You can accept your mom’s apology but that doesn’t mean you have to go back to how things were. Being around toxic people is soul sucking. I can’t imagine it being my mom. I know what you talk of though, of having to pretend everything was ok when growing up. My dad was an alcoholic who could have a bad temper. There were some tough days and I remember crying in bed at night fighting the urge to jump out my window and run away. Thankfully he slowed down with the drinking and his temper mellowed. We built a loving good relationship in my adult years. But it took time and i dealt with it through a 12 step program for adult children of alcoholics. It helped immensely.
You are doing great Liz, one day at a time.
take care,
Laura

[Monica1]

Laura is right, you are doing good. I think being able to make a difference gives us purpose an as we get older more important that we find activities that give us purpose. Like laura, I also get anxious ringing companies around debt etc. I find it so hard to face and do as it is a lot of what I have been doing now for years and it wears you down. Onward and upward Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and Monicau for your posts! I’m trying to build my $1000 emergency fund but I can’t contribute this month. I will be able to deposit some into my savings next month. My whole state tax refund will be pur into savings. That will be a great feeling! Laura, my Father and Step Father were both alcoholics. So were 2 of my Uncles. In fact, I married a alcoholic. I’ve never had a taste for alcohol. I’ve attended Alanon. It helped me a lot. I’m leaving for the city in 1 hour. Going to enjoy the time with my Grandson. No gambling helps make this possible!

[lizbeth4]

I’m alone in this big house! Doing some laundry, ect. My Grandson was happy to see me as I was to see him. We have plans this week. Lol! I’m kinda of pissed and upset. Regarding: mortgage payment/oldest Daughter. It never ends! Speaking with her doesn’t help. I’ll get it right before it’s considered late! It’s causing a lot of anxiety because I can’t front the payment anymore. She know this and is putting me in a bad situation. Kinda like what I did to myself when I gambled. Anyways, I’m glad I’m here with my Grandson. He’s worth it! No gambling or urges!!

[lizbeth4]

I had breakfast with a friend who lives in the same condo community as my Husband had Iived. We talked for 2 hours. This evening my Grandson has chess class and has a student council meeting before school tomorrow. We are having fun but by the evening, I’m tired! LOL! I so regret the time and money I lost to gambling! People say we should move forward but I think it is good to remember the pain and sorrow that this addiction causes. That makes me not want to gamble again. My month’s money will be tight because of my last gambling episode and I will cut corners and budget to make it. I don’t want to live like that anymore! My self imposed madness has stopped! No gambling=A good life!

[lizbeth4]

I tried to edit my post but couldn’t! My friend lives in the same condo community as my Husband and I did!

[lizbeth4]

Now I know why I dislike the city! Traffic and traffic!!! Everything is good. It’s a lot warmer here so I’ve been able to thaw out a bit. When I go home is up in the air as my Daughter and Ex Son In Law didn’t communicate well. I might be here for the weekend. My Grandson is funny. He keeps trying to get over with Grandma but I’m keeping him on his schedule. No gambling urges! Almost everything has cleared my bank. Onlyu 2 items left. I won’t have much left but I should be able to post and sell a few more items when I get home. Next month will be better financially. One day at a time!

[lizbeth4]

I’m leaving tomorrow morning for home. My Grandson is spending the weekend with his Dad! Today we are going to pay some video games after school. Then out for dinner. I’ve had gambling urges this morning but I won’t act on therm. I am stronger than the urges. I can do this!

[lizbeth4]

Having very strong gambling urges! I’m not leaving till some time this evening now. I don’t know where the urges are coming from. I know I won’t go to a casino in the city but I have to pass the one where I live. I have no cash on me but my debit card. I need to work through this!!! I hate this feeling!

[velvet]

Hey Lizbeth
I want to come on line tomorrow and read that you are safe. The urges will pass but the damage you will incur if you give in to them will be with you for months.
Look after yourself
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Hope you got through the urges -just not worth it !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet and i-did-it! I’m fine! I’m home safe and gamble free. I live in a 4 stop light small town. Of course, the first light is the casino. The parking lot was full. I kept my course and went straight home. I’m tired and dealing with some major family issues (not my Mom this time). I pray that God will watch over my family members who are in turmoil now! Going to vegg today. No gambling =true peace!

[lizbeth4]

Tomorrow is my youngest Daughter’s birthday. I’m so proud of her Clean and sober and a great Mommy. The day after that is the 5 year anniversary of my Husband’s death. A happy time followed by a sad time. That why I’m having gambling urges!!! Dah! Why didn’t I figure that out sooner. 5 years of living without him. Starting a new life. A lot of sadness but many awesome, lovely memories that can never be taken from me. Also, we will be celebrating my Granddaughters 1st birthday on the 28th. I belive my Husband sent her to us to save my Daughter’s life and to bring me joy and happiness. She is our blessing. No way am I going to let gambling destroy this!!!

[lizbeth4]

The day was spent with my Mom, Daughter and Granddaughter. I made a awesome birthday dinner for my Daughter. I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter and Mom are at the casino. Ironic, right? Honestly, it doesn’t bother me one bit. My gambling urges have subsided. I already see my finances getting better! I’ve paid all but 1 bill and arrangements have been on the remaining bill. Next month I will be able to put away a little money. Progress-little steps.

[lizbeth4]

So today I have a upset stomach and a lot of anxiety! I’m netting my Daughter (halfway, about 1 hour from here) to get the mortgage payment. It will be cash and I will have to pass the casino on the way back home. Temptation!!! I belong to a smaller bank so there is no access until I get back into town. Then I can deposit it into the ATM. Right now, I have no one to help me with accountability and my Daughter insists on giving me cash! I have to keep focused and on my path!!

[lizbeth4]

It’s the 5 year anniversary of my Husband’s death! Really struggling today.

[Johnny B]

Lizbeth,
There are always struggles to enter our mind and make us not think clearly. Your loss of you husband is a terrible thing and I hope you can find your way through this memory. Definitely think before you act. Gambling can cause much more sadness than is already present… Take a deep breath, and remember the good times with your husband!
God bless! Stay strong
Johnny B

[Johnny B]

Lizbeth,
There are always struggles to enter our mind and make us not think clearly. Your loss of you husband is a terrible thing and I hope you can find your way through this memory. Definitely think before you act. Gambling can cause much more sadness than is already present… Take a deep breath, and remember the good times with your husband!
God bless! Stay strong
Johnny B

[lizbeth4]

Johnny, Thanks for your post! Ugh!!! I screwed up again. No excuses! Luckily I was able to get back almost all of the money I initially lost. Doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know what the answer is for me!!! I’m not posting for a few days. I have to rethink what I want from this life. What is missing? I’m mentally drained.

[alliesmum]

Lizbeth don’t give up.
As someone who has tried and failed many times to stop gambling I know how you’re feeling today. It’s only day 11 for me today so it was too long ago I was in your shoes, I had relapsed again.
You don’t want to feel this way again do you? If not then you need to start back at day 1 and remember what helped you to succeed. What barriers need put back in place? What triggered you to gamble?
We all deserve a better life than what we get with gambling. YOU deserve a better life Lizbeth!
I know how hard it is to climb out of the darkness and back into the light but you can do it. It is worth it. You are worth it.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest of places if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Stay positive

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth

This addiction seems unstoppable at times –
We all screw up sometimes in own way or another .
I find your post interesting as I feel there is so much missing from my life – maybe that’s what attracts us to gambling.
So glad you won your money back – makes the slip a little easier – keep going Lizbeth !

[Monica1]

Could have so easily have gone the other way Liz. And you would have felt dreadful. There is a lot missing from my life too but we have to keep going. One day at a time. No more, it is the enemy!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts and support! I am unhappy with myself for my recent gambling episode! I’m trying to focus on all of the positives in my life. There are a few major things going on in my life but I choose not to discuss them here. I feel overwhelmed and powerless recently. I guess some things are out of my control. I have to have faith that I will get through this.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth I think that life overwhelms us all sometimes and it is during those times that it is more important just to take one day at a time because no amount of worrying changes anything. Your slip is over and belongs in yesterday, there is nothing you can do to change it – but maybe what you can do is sit down and list the positives in your life to help you focus on what is important and also to remind yourself how well you have been doing.

Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your post! The positive things in my life outweigh the negative things. I have a lot to be grateful for. I need to remember that. I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter works . She is launching her own handyman services. I’ve referred her to everyone I know here and by word of mouth she has a few jobs. I’m kind of on call to babysit as she might be called for a job the day before. I don’t mind as I want to help her. I have my weekends free. My Mother is no longer watching the baby for long periods of time. She had a marked increase of forgetfulness. I believe it is just age related. But my Sister came for a visit and saw the difference in her. I will keep a eye on her as I do have medical power of attorney. I was thinking and I do have a lot to keep me occupied besides my Granddaughter. I have a lot of books on my Kindle (I love to read), computer games (not gambling orientated), I love daily walks and the weather is getting nicer. I can get my garden soil ready and decide what I’m planting this year. Also, the park will start having free concerts starting in 2 months. A lot to occupy my time! I feel like today is a new start for me!!! Feeling positive!

[Monica1]

It is very good to see our children getting on. I have seen that today with my boys and it makes me proud and happy. Yes, forgetfulness comes with age. I have decided to see what I can do to fight that one. Your slip I am sure was related to the 5 year anniversary and all of us on this site feel for you Liz. Next time, remember the anniversary by not gambling. Replace the grief with a positive, and not s negative. Gambling is the enemy!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post! Today I woke with gambling thoughts. I have no motivation. I feel blah! I will run a few errands but I will stay away from the casino. I don’t understand what’s going on in my brain. I’m holding on. Trying to get financially straightened out. Gambling can’t be a part of my life. I feel like I’m on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Just drifting! I feel like I’m not connecting to anyone. I just don’t make the effort. I’m content in staying home all weekend and watching Netflix while there are things to do. Blah!!!!

[Monica1]

There really is nothing wrong with doing nothing. Motivation is difficult cos gambling takes that away from us, it is like we have to really fight to get back who we are. I don’t think we can get back to who we were, we just rediscover New things about ourselves. I find support invaluable and that means counselling support too. I have had a few thoughts too but I don’t want to know, not at all. I say yes to life and no to destruction.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica. I continue my counseling but I feel like I am stuck, not progressing. It’s okay not to do anything but when you’re feeling like that most of the time, it isn’t good. I’ve caused most of my pain and worries from gambling. You think I’d learn my lessons but I’ve had too many slips. I’m really getting so tired mentally. I need to stop this cycle!!

[Monica1]

Having been stuck in destitution for 7 months, i get the stuckness. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. I have written a plan for this year, most of it things for me that make me feel better about myself, simple things, hairdo, massage etc. No courses (was always doing courses). To find a place where we feel content within ourselves, that is a real challenge in todays world. Yes, we have caused our pain but we cant keep beating ourselves up over it. We just have to take one step at a time. Gambling solves nothing and just creates more havoc, more depression, more anxiety. I no longer want that for me or anyone on this site.
As soon as I can afford it I am going to see someone (a kinesiologist and homeopath) who can help with the anxiety and getting myself physically, mentally and emotionally back on track. I also seem to have anxiety daily over something or another. Pre gambling I was never like this! We have to try and help ourselves. How about looking for a job? You were talking about it a few weeks ago?

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth,
Gambling aside, you talk about lots of positive things in your life – especially your grandchildren .
It makes me wonder about that feeling of being stuck .
It is something I feel often – I feel I should be making some kind of huge progress – but in truth perhaps I should settle and enjoy what I now have .
I always seem to be chasing something – whether it’s further qualifications, a better home, more money -and all the time I’m chasing I am thinking the solution is a big win.
Your post today had really struck a chord with me and made me question if this is a trait of gambling addiction – the theme of being stuck comes up often –
Do you think maybe his is what is meant by acceptance ? Being content with where we are ?
Perhaps it’s good to constantly want to improve ?

Please don’t think I’m judging – I’m just really interested in your thoughts on this – as I feel permanently stuck in so many areas of my life . I’m wondering if the secret might be to change how we perceive where we are at ?
It certainly would make my mind more peaceful ?

I would be interested in your opinion .

[i-did-it]

Hi Monica and Lizbeth
We seem to be all posting together .
Could u go to “explore the groups ”
Then”view as list”
Then we could chat on the top / first open group ( any language ) ?

[lizbeth4]

Sorry i-did-it. I just came on the site. It looks like your post was some time ago. Monica and i-did-it, I feel like I haven’t been content in my life for a long time. Maybe that’s why I feel stuck? I always feel like something is missing or that I need to achieve something. Maybe I should accept what I have instead of thinking there has to be more to this life! I do have a full life. I choose to not participate. I always thought if I had more money, I would be happier and more content. Well, I had money and I wasn’t any happier. In fact, it just made me more self destructive. I do believe in self care and self improvement. I am still thinking about a part time job. I would have to find something that would work with my Daughter’s schedule so I can babysit. Right now it is crucial to be present for my Daughter as she needs the support. I’ve always dreamed about living a glamorous life. Ha ha! I’m not glamorous. I’m just a small town girl and there’s nothing wrong with that ! I guess self acceptance is crucial to our recovery.

[lizbeth4]

I’m trying to start a new thread. I went to new topics. It won’t let me type anything. ???????

[lizbeth4]

Today I am having urges. I know what is triggering me. Instead of saving money next month, I am in the hole again. From my last gambling episode! My mind is telling me to chase the win! It’s telling me that I can win back the money and some extra to get me out of the hole. We know that I will just be deeper in the hole. I have to stop this vicious cycle now!!!!! I sold 3 pieces of nice costume jewelry . Nothing I wear and I received a fair price. It helps!! I’m stopping the cycle now!!! I don’t want the terrible feelings that occur when I gamble haunting me anymore! Contentment and peace is what I need!

[lizbeth4]

I made it through the day without gambling. I fought the urges all day! I kept myself busy with errands and tasks. I consciously made every effort to not gamble. I feel like I’m on the cusp of really doing it this time! I know it’s within my reach. If I just stay my course, I can be back on track financially. I love being present for my Daughter’s and Grandchildren. I want them to have good memories of me when I’m gone.

[lizbeth4]

I need to post everyday and write down what I’m experiencing so I can come back and re-read. I woke wanting to gamble. Horrible feeling! I am babysitting most of the day so I’m hoping the urges subside. It’s supposed to be nice outside so we might go for a walk. I prayed and prayed that I am strong enough to get through this! I know the consequences and I don’t think that I can go through another gambling episode. I am close to the brink of causing great, irreversible damage. Not only to myself but to other people I love. I have to be stronger than the monster!

[lizbeth4]

I haven’t gambled. Though I’ve wanted to. Today I’m watching my Granddaughter so my Daughter can work. No gambling today. I can’t edit or start a new thread using my phone anymore. Also as of tomorrow, I’ll have no internet for 2 weeks. Hopefully I can connect using my cell service. I’m getting rid of my cable and will be only streaming video. I’m going with a new provider and I want to wait till the 5th so the billing date will work with my budget. I can save $70 per month and as I only watch 2 channels on cable, it won’t be a big deal. Today I will believe in myself and what I’m capable of!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t gamble today! I spent a fun day with my Granddaughter. I’ve sold another piece of jewelry that I purchased on EBay several years ago and never wore. I deposited the money into my checking account. I’m going to make good use of my time without cable and internet. I intend on cleaning out every cabinet, drawer and closet in my home. I will either trash, sell or donate every item. I don’t want to struggle financially anymore or juggle bills because of gambling. I want to put a end to that. I can, if I stay true to myself and keep on my path.

[Monica1]

I am envious because you have so much to sell and I have nothing! Well done for keeping gambling free. I think clearing out everything is such a good idea and going digital free for a while is very healthy. When we clear our clutter we clear up a who,e lot of other things too. I should do it!

[Dunc]

Hi

We are aware and looking into your issue “ I can’t edit or start a new thread using my phone anymore”

Could I ask you to fill in this form so I have device and browser information  

 

Kind Regards

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Harry and Monica. Monica, I bought a lot of stuff after my Husband died. Between gambling and shopping l wasted a lot of time and money. These items that I’ve been selling are just things to me. Things that I’ve never used or worn. I’ve donated bags of clothing and household items. I notice that I wear 1/4 of what’s in my closet and wear little jewelry. It’s just taking up space. I have 10 books downloaded on my reader and a few books on hand. I love to read. Between cleaning, organizing, reading and getting my garden ready, I should be busy where having no internet for 2 1/2 weeks shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve really struggled with gambling this last week. April will be a trying month. I can pay everything as I’ve asked for my debt consultation to be reduced for 1 month but I won’t have a lot extra. But I can do this!!! I will feel a lot better about myself. I want to be a good example for my Grandchildren.

[lizbeth4]

Typo: consolidation

[kathryn]

Thank you!
I’m still following you, reading your posts, cheering you on!
Keep believing in yourself, you are so worth it my friend!
I’m ok, still in a bit of shock I think, my mum was my world and I’m having a hard time adjusting to this world without her.
I look at her picture every morning and shake my head in disbelief.
I have just had a beautiful week away camping which I really needed. To just ‘be’ was a lovely feeling.
Even though I’m not around, I’m following one thread….yours.
So know that while I may not be posting, I’m checking in on you, often.
Stay strong, stay positive, and if you need me, post it and I’ll be here.
Love K xxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Your post is what I needed right now! Your support means the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I know you are going through a hard time right now. I was so worried about you. I’m glad that you were able to go camping and just “be”. Grieving is so hard! Take care of yourself! I really believe that I’m going to stay gamble free this time. Something feels different inside of me. I turned in the cable and internet equipment this morning. Wow! It is so quiet here. I had the TV on all the time but didn’t watch it. I plan on staying TV free for 2 weeks or more before I get the equipment from the new internet company, which has to be mailed to me. I plan to keep busy. Tomorrow, I’m cleaning up the front and 2 side yards. Sunday I’m doing my Daughter’s taxes and housework. Next weekend is my Granddaughter’s birthday party and the next day is Easter. My oldest Daughter and Grandson will be here. I’m making dinner for us all. This is so much better than sitting in a casino!

[lizbeth4]

So last night was strange without the TV going. I feel asleep reading. Also, since I am using my cellular data instead of the internet, I have to watch my usage. I’m still in my PJs, thinking about things. I have to wait till noon when it’s warmer outside to pull weeds in the yard. I’m doing some laundry then I’m going to tackle cleaning out some drawers. I talk to a good friend last night and I’m going to spend a few days in May with her. We’ve been friends for 29 years and more like sisters!!! Can’t wait! No gambling thoughts today.

[lizbeth4]

Still can’t edit.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth ,
Well done on not gambling – those urges can be so strong .
I think it is very cathartic to get rid of possessions and even better when we can get some cash for them.
Long term friendships are the best – I still have some of my best friends from primary school , and although we don’t live close to each other or even stay in touch much , when we meet the years just fall away . I hope you have a lovely time with your friend .
It makes me think about all the friends who have come and gone on here since I joine d this site – I am unsure exactly how long ago that is but it is the best part of a decade ago. I hope they have all gone on to better times .

Lisbeth , when you look back over your journey , you have come such a long way ! I always admire your motivation to get up and do stuff in the garden and your motivation to be actively involved with your grandchildren
.
Life is good Lisbeth – and you deserve it.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it! Half way done racking the remaining leaves in my back yard. I will be pruning in April. My 99 year old next door neighbor is in a care center as she has a blood clot in her lungs. She is a sweetie! Never had children and has outlived 4 husband’s. Was quite the golfer in her younger days in this town. I hope she can come back home to live the rest of her life out. Like she wants. Although yard work and gardening are threputic for me it’s also very tiring. Well, my break is over! Happy and gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

Ok. So, something strange happened. I had lunch and was craving something sweet but wasn’t going out to get anything. I had a notification that a woman wanted to buy 2 pairs (New) sandles I had posted. She asked if I would deliver because she was working. Everything is 5 mins from me. Guess what? She owns the fudge factory. She payed me and gave me free homemade fudge (strawberry and creme) Delicious!!! See, the little things can bring happiness!!! The last time I gambled, I was miserable the whole time. No fun! Everyone around me was so sad. You could feel it in the air. I don’t want to experience that again!

[Monica1]

Lovely story Liz. It is the small positive things and the surprises in our day that make life worth living.
Are you still going to be able to post when you become digital free?

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monicau, I’ve been digital free for 2 days now. I’m using my phone and cellular service to post. I didn’t read the fine print with the new company. I have to prepay a month in advance so I might be digital free until May ist. That’s ok. I can deal with it. I raked up 5 large yard trash bags of leaves and Pine needles from my back yard yesterday. At least I’m being productive instead of sitting in front of the TV like I do!

[lizbeth4]

So, I’m not completely digital free. I can text and go on sites with my phone. At least I’m not completely shut off from the world!

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[Monica1]

I would be concerned if you were completely without Support. Like you and idi, this is my main Support and I really miss it when I can’t post. You must be the yard queen, well done. I wish I had the tenacity to get up and do the chores that need to be done.

[lizbeth4]

It’s still very new and very quiet. Now I realize that my TV was on all the time! Now I’m going to clean the house as I will be busy babysitting this week. Someone was interested in something I was selling. Mind you, it was brand new and I priced it on the low side. She wanted to give me hardly nothing for it. I said no. I’d rather keep it. Very frustrating. Maybe that is why she was driving a pricy car. Lol!!!

[Anonymous]

This is Geordie.

I’ve come close to posting to you many times but never wanted to expose my identity.

However I can bite my tongue no longer about “that” situation.

Despite your recent issues and setbacks Liz, you are a determined woman and I’ve as much confidence in you to get things sorted as I have in anybody.

You are a strong and determined woman, you’ll get on top of this LIzbeth.

I doubt I’ll ever be back on GT, you are one of several people I doubt I’ll ever forget.

Take care, goodbye.

Geordie.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Geordie for your post as it means a lot to me. We’ve been through a lot. I will never forget your encouragement and support. I feel like this time is the time that I succeed at staying gamble free. Geordie, take care and you are missed!

[lizbeth4]

I spent the night with my Mother as she wasn’t feeling well. Today she is much better. We had lunch togeth and talked for awhile. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like our telationship was real. If that makes sense. I’m home now. No gambling thoughts. I am upset the 1 creditor that isn’t on my debt consolidation, because they refused to accept is being a pain. I can’t make my payment this month so they are threatening a judgement against me for $600. I’ve read the laws in my state. I have 30 days to respond once I am served and another 45 days before it goes to court. Then they can garnish me. I’m hoping my state tax refund is here by that time. I’ve paid over $900 towards the debt already. So ruthless! I’m not borrowing anymore money and I can’t juggle any bills to pay them. It is what it is. This is what happens when you gamble with bill money. I’ll face the consequences. Another reason to not gamble!

[lizbeth4]

Didn’t sleep well. I’m a worrier but you can only do with what you have. So now I’m letting go of my worries and giving it to God. I’m meeting up with a young woman this morning to give her 2 bags of baby clothes that my Granddaughter has outgrown. It makes me feel good to do little things like that. My Daughter and Granddaughter have been in the city for 4 days and are coming back soon. I miss them! Later today I’m cleaning and reorganizing my kitchen cabinets and drawers. I don’t know why but my head is in a haze today. I’m in blah mood. No gambling thoughts or urges though. That’s a good thing!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t get much accomplished today. I’m really unhappy with myself for my financial mess. I know that I can dig out but I will have challenges, like this creditor. I will have to pay them before the judgement is handed down. I think I will be able to but that means other things will have to wait. Baby steps, right? It’s mentally exhausting thinking about this. I got myself in this mess, now I have to get myself out of it. Maybe not having internet and cable is giving me more time to think. Lol! Going to bed early tonight.

[lizbeth4]

Another restless night! I need to come to peace with my situation. Today is my Granddaughter’s 1st Birthday (although her party is on Saturday). I’m so thankful to have her in my life. Not having cable and internet sucks. Although I am cutting out the cable and just streaming video. I won’t have any services till May because of my misunderstanding about the upfront payment. But it will save me money monthly. In May, 1 of my high interest loans will be paid off, so more money will be freed up. Today, I’m going to concentrate on the positives in my life. The people i love. My good health. I have a lot of positive for sure and I don’t take them for granted. I haven’t been thinking of gambling the last few days which is good as I seem to when I am stressed. I’m figuring that within 3 years if I keep gamble free and stay on my course, I will be debt free. I will be 63 (Wow) but I will still have some years left in me to enjoy it. My motto, seize the day!

[lizbeth4]

Sara, Your post has given me a new perspective on my debt. I am doing everything I can to repay my debt. Even though it’s hard and sometimes challenging, I’m doing my best! That’s all I can do. I feel like I need to clear my debts as I made them and bankruptcy isn’t for me. I will have inner peace when I do. But right now, I need to remember that I’m doing my best! Thank you!

[Monica1]

You, i and Sara are around the same age. Like Sara, even though I am seven and a half months gambling free I still have not been able to address my debts and they are all on hold because of my precarious situation. So, ***** your blessings lol. I would love to be in a position where I could pay off my debts but for me I don’t think that is possible. They amount to around 75 grand. You are doing great by cleaning out things which is so therapeutic, like taking a broom to our lives. Wel” done on staying gamble free.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, I’m $26,000 in debt that includes my car, it doesn’t include the mortgage on the city house. I owed a lot more but have paid it down. I have a mortgage on the house my oldest Daughter and Grandson live in but she pays me every month and then I make the payment. Money!!! My day started off good. My Daughter and Granddaughter came home. We had lunch together. I sold a piece of costume jewelry for $20. My Daughter was broke so I gave it to her. I checked my bank account and the debt consolidation company took out my monthly payment twice which overdrew my account. I called and tried to get it corrected but the lady in charge wasn’t there. Big mess! They acted so nonchalant about It! Someone will call me tomorrow. Yeah, I will be calling back if I don’t hear from someone in the morning. Luckily, I had some cash on me and was able to purchase the food for Easter dinner. I helped my Daughter bathe my Granddaughter and get her ready for bed and it helped me to get in a better mood. I had no gambling thoughts and no money!!!

[Monica1]

How annoying Liz and I bet when you finally speak to the right person they will not get the grief they cause by their actions. Hope you get it sorted. Glad you have Easter Dinner. You are a great person Liz and you know, as do I, how important family is.

[lizbeth4]

The company apologized for the mistake. Now I have to fax a copy of my bank statement, which means I have to go to the bank. They will review it and refund my money. They have no sense of urgency, ect. Can give me no time frame. They don’t care that this effects my other bills, like a domino effect. I’m basically screwed!!! I’m upset and I had a anxiety attack last night. I have no options. I feel a little defeated today. Must get in a better mood as I’m going to the Dr’s this afternoon with my Daughter and Granddaughter for her 1 year appointment and shots.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post on my thread. I have also had something annoying happen involving money. My timesheet for two,days last week,should he be authorised for last week andhasnt been. I got quite anxious about this as well. I made the call calmly. I have to go over the easterbreak now not knowing why it hasn’t been authorised leading to delayed payment. Very annoying and does cause anxiety but it will get sorted outa d we have to hold that thought. It will get sorted out, maybe not when it should have been, but it will.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica. Yes, it will get sorted out. My Granddaughter’s appointment went well. She had to have 4 shots. She cried a little but was over it quickly. Saturday is her delayed birthday party. Sunday is Easter. My oldest Daughter and Grandson and her partner will be here for the weekend. I’m going to forget any worries and just enjoy my family. My oldest Daughter is a excellent cook and she’s making something just for me for Easter dinner as I don’t eat meat. Very thoughtful as I was just going to eat the side dishes. I’ve lost 15 pounds in 6 Months and do feel better! Today, I didn’t think of gambling. I enjoyed the nice weather and my family. It was a good day!

[lizbeth4]

Today, I didnt wake with worries. I’ve decided that I can’t live like that anymore. I want to live in contentment and joy. I have a lot of things to be joyful for. Also, I can’t solve others problems. They are for that person to solve. I can help and I can listen and be there for them. I can only do my best everyday. Somethings ate out of my control. Life is to short to be stressed out about the worries of the what if’s! Stress leads me to gambling thoughts. Maybe this is a catalyst for myself.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I’ve done all of my tasks for today. I even went to our local Women’s and children’s shelter and donated 5 bags of clothing. I must be bored now. I’ve hooked up the WIIU and have been playing Mario games. LOL! I’m buying a DVD player on payday so I can play the Disney movies for her. I can even rent a movie once in awhile. This will work till I get internet again. I have puzzle games and books on my Kindle and I’m doing crossword puzzles. After this weekend I will be busy for a couple weeks, trimming back fruit trees and doing my decluttering!! No time for gambling thoughts!

[lizbeth4]

Playing movies for my Granddaughter!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It kinda amazes me how many people on here play video games-
I think I missed the whole gaming movement as I was busy with my “habit “. It sounds like it could be fun .
I am going to take on board what you and Sara have said about worrying – there is no point in us getting ourselves all worked up when we can’t change things – question though – how do we actually stop worrying? How do we stop the thoughts going around and around in our heads ?

I hope you enjoy your video games – I am addicted to Netflix right now but it is a lot cheaper than gambling. .

Onwards and upwards !
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it. My type of gaming is cheap. I’m playing games that were paid for a long time ago. No new games. My Grandson has moved forward in technology and has a PS4. I have no clue how to play it and don’t care to learn. I miss Netflix. How do you stop worrying? It’s hard. I have to try and let go of the thoughts when they come. Usually when I’m trying to sleep. I am not extremely religious but I ask God to take my worries from me. I believe that everything is going to work out. It may not be the way I want but it’s the way it should be. I guess having faith! This afternoon is my Granddaughter’s 1st Birthday party. We are going to the park. I will be happy to see my Grandson. My youngest Daughter is not working. She is doing her handyman services again and is having a rough time finding jobs. I’m helping her as much as i can. Praying for her. Focusing on this weekend and my family. No gambling thoughts.

[lizbeth4]

Really thinking-part time job! 🙂

[lizbeth4]

Sara, I’ve had little support from my family. My Sister and youngest Daughter try to understand. My oldest Daughter has thrown it in my face. Both of my Daughter’s are recovering drug addicts. You’d think there would be more understanding from them. I was there for both of them and my Husband and I raised my Grandson the first 4 years of his life because of her addiction. I was raised by a alcoholic Stepfather and had many Uncles who were alcoholics and many cousins who are drug users. My addiction is gambling. Although I love my family, they obviously don’t look at gambling as a addiction. I rely on my friends here for nonjudgemental support. Today was good. My Granddaughter’s birthday party was fun. There were a few snide comments from my oldest but we are all just used to it. Sadly she is one unhappy person. Have you ever tried to love someone and they do everything they can to block it? They can’t accept it. She has some issues which sadly affect my Grandson and I can’t do a damn thing about it but keep giving my love. Tomorrow, I’m spending as much time as I can with my Grandson. They are camping tonight and doing a hike tomorrow before coming back over. I fidnt mean to rant. Life can be so frustrating sometimes. Those are the times I used to gamble. No more!

[lizbeth4]

So, my last post was pretty sad but was my life experience. I just want to wish everyone a Happy Easter. May today be spent with people you love.

[lizbeth4]

Sara, You are probably making a wise decision in not telling your family about your addiction. Showing them with your actions is a positive step. That is and was my life but that’s my experience and it has shaped me into who I am. I have a lot of empathy towards someone with a addiction. Bad things happen to good people. People just don’t understand the totality of the gambling addiction. We do as we’ve lived it! You can’t chose your family but I’m blessed with a few close and living friends. I was and am a good Mother and Grandmother. I take pride in that. My oldest Daughter has a chip on her shoulder. Not just for me but the world. It is something she needs to deal with. I feel a disconnect with her but I’ve tried to fix it and can’t. My Grandson forever holds a piece of m y heart and soul. He know that. Today, I will enjoy and love my family for we dont know how much time we have left. No gambling thoughts!!

[lizbeth4]

Loving friends!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, I’m due for a catch up but have my whole family coming over later for very casual get together. One pot meal! Chili. I’ve decided it’s about the company, not the meal this Easter. And that is something I need to remind myself. If you are coming to visit my house you are in the wrong place.

You asked about getting into the groups. I find them hard to get into so I will just post the link I use! I’m hoping this will work. Click the link. As long as you are logged in it will show the times in your time zone. If you are not logged in it will show in UK London times. Scroll to top of page and click the purple “button” that says view as list. This will list any open groups at the time. Look for one that says open group in english and join. A lot of us meet in the 10pm London time group. The earlier ones are facilitated which are great for getting structural help or support.

https://www.gamblingtherapy.org/en/online-support-groups-problem-gamblers-their-friends-and-family

Happy Easter Liz. Keep up the good work. You are still here fighting the good fight. Catch up soon.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for the online chat details. I will pop in sometime this week. Easter dinner was awesome, ham, scalloped potatoes, fresh veggies, salad and rolls. I sent the remaining ham home with my oldest Daughter and my Mother. Everyone enjoyed themselves. I had some bonding time with my Grandson. I’ve decided in addition to calling him every week, I will send him a card every week with a positive message. We call him the baby whisperer. Lol! As he always rocks his baby cousin to sleep. I’m at peace today. Tomorrow is payday. My bills will be paid first then grocery shopping and I’m buying a DVD player (cheap) for my treat. Not much will be left but I will have everything I need!

[lizbeth4]

So today after paying bills and monthly expenses, I fall a little short again. Next month 1 of my high interest loans will be paid off and I haven’t received my tax refund, which I want to save. There is only 1 solution: a job. I’m thinking part time. Wednesday, I’m putting my application in person at a local establishment. I met the manager as I sold a necklace to her. As most jobs are seasonal due to our winters, I would have a good 6 months of work. It’s something I’ve never done before. I will divulge more if I get the job. Doing a little grocery shopping and faxing bank statement to try and get the money mistake made a few days ago reversed. That would help this month. No gambling thoughts today!

[lizbeth4]

Having a rough time!!! Ugh!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your considerate post. I’m just stating how I’m feeling. Right now I want to keep things to myself and try to work through it. Today was productive. I put 2 job applications in and I hope to get interviews next week. They are both seasonal jobs. My Daughter and I took my Granddaughter to the park. She loves the baby swings. I received a email that the company that took out 2 payments from my checking received the info they wanted and it will take several days to return the money to my account. We will see! In a couple weeks I’m planning to have a yard sale and get rid of a lot of stuff. I’ve decided that I don’t need things anymore. I only wear 1/4 of my closet and use little of my stuff. Time to purge. Also, it’s easier to clean with less things. LOL! Tomorrow my Granddaughter is spending the night with me. Fun! Going to take a nap. Headache!

[Monica1]

I only wear about about one tenth of mine, I tend to wear favourite things until they fall off me. Good luck with the job applications!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica, I felt like the one Supervisor who took my application was discouraging. She kept telling me the downside of the job as it is physical. Almost like she felt that maybe I’m too old to do it. Im in good shape and have endurance. I hope that I am wrong.

[lizbeth4]

My Granddaughter and I had a slumber party last night and watched Finding Dory on my computer. Fun! I need to get internet soon as my cellular data is running out fast. Maybe I can budget it in sometime this month. I’ve been reflecting a lot on how I want the rest of my life to go. I know that gambling can’t have a role in it! I would like to do some traveling in the states as there are many places I’ve never seen. I love road trips and I don’t mind traveling solo. Most of all, I just want to live a contented and peaceful life. My Daughter and Granddaughter and I have been going to the park and for walks. We are going to get a hiking carrier for my Granddaughter as we have many hiking trails here. It’s beautiful country with streams, rivers, lakes, mountains and forests. I don’t have to travel to find beautiful nature. It’s all around me. I guess I didn’t appreciate it before when I was gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Frustrated! I received my refund from the debt consolidation company. Now, they haven’t taken out this months payment which is taken out on the 3rd. I called and talked to a representative and they said it was scheduled for the 3rd. Well it’s the 6th. They are looking into it! My creditors want their money. What we agreed on. I’ve never had any problems with them for 1 year and now having issues!!! So stressed!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara! I’m not posting on others threads right now as I am saving my phone data. I’m hoping to have internet by the end of the month. The supervisor called me from the debt consolidation company and says it will be taken care of. I won’t know for sure till Monday when I can go online to my bank account. I’m not stressing anymore. I was very productive today. I sold 6 items. Someone in town just opened a boutique and bought 3 necklaces that I made. She wants me to make more but it’s so time consuming and expensive. I just don’t think I would make a profit. But it was awesome that she was so impressed by my work. I’m having a yard sale on the next 2 weeks. My spare bedroom contains things I am gathering. It’s good to purge. I’ve collected so much over the years. I feel the need to downsize. Whatever is left will be donated. I did yard work in my backyard, trimming shrubs and bushes. Everything is blooming and beautiful. Tomorrow will be spent pruning back 11 rose bushes and spraying them as they have developed some sort of fungi. Keeping up with my yard and home keeps me gamble free plus I enjoy doing it!

[lizbeth4]

So I just checked my bank account. My deposit isn’t showing. There isn’t enough money for the debt consolidation payment to go through. What the heck is going on? It’s closed on the weekends so I have to wait till Monday. I can’t worry all weekend. I have to let it go so I can enjoy my weekend. Boy, this is frustrating!!

[lizbeth4]

So, being gamble free has brought a level of contentment in my life. Although I find joy in things, deep down something is missing. I’m not passionate about anything. I haven’t found my purpose in life. I want more! Where do I look? I’m empty inside. There has to be more for me. I refuse to think that this is it!! Sometimes I think that maybe I should sell my home and buy a RV and travel the United States. Then I say, oh, I’m too old to do that. I keep second guessing myself. I’m putting limits on myself. So, I keep living my mundane life and try to stay busy and try to be there for everyone (family) and continue to put myself last. Somehow I feel this has something to do with my gambling addiction. I need to figure this out.

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

That was why I relapse many times in the past, I was feeling empty and I had tried to self medicate with slot machine.

The more I focus on the emptiness, the more discontented and unstable I become.

Today I learn to be grateful for the emptiness and boredom that gambling free days has brought me in comparison to the despair, agony, disappointment, stress and debts that gambling has given me.

I am safe today because I was able to focus on the all the good things in life that I feel staying gamble free has given me. I need to stay focus!

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Mundane is better than devastation and gambling is devastation. Be open to thoughts of what you would like to do and then maybe set about making it happen. It would be great to get posts from different states as you travel around if that is really what you want to do – age is no excuse.
I have been watching a blue-tit preparing her nest for when her chicks are born and she made me feel ashamed; she hasn’t stopped, just a little ball of feathers and energy flitting in and out of the nest box with bits of moss, bashing them into a cosy shape before heading out again into a world fraught with danger. I’m not like her! Today it hasn’t stopped drizzling and I have no get-up-and-go, I can’t be bothered.
So I am now going to walk my dog and tell her my dreams, a mundane thing to do maybe but it will give me (and her) pleasure, even if it doesn’t light up the sky.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Mundane is better than devastation and gambling is devastation. Be open to thoughts of what you would like to do and then maybe set about making it happen. It would be great to get posts from different states as you travel around if that is really what you want to do – age is no excuse.
I have been watching a blue-tit preparing her nest for when her chicks are born and she made me feel ashamed; she hasn’t stopped, just a little ball of feathers and energy flitting in and out of the nest box with bits of moss, bashing them into a cosy shape before heading out again into a world fraught with danger. I’m not like her! Today it hasn’t stopped drizzling and I have no get-up-and-go, I can’t be bothered.
So I am now going to walk my dog and tell her my dreams, a mundane thing to do maybe but it will give me (and her) pleasure, even if it doesn’t light up the sky.
Velvet

[i-did-it]

Hi Lisbeth
I think maybe we need to refind ourselves many times in our life . I have always felt so privileged to do the work I do- not many people work their vocation every day if their lives – but recently there has been some shift in my thinking – I no longer want to do this work, it doesn’t bring the fulfilment it once did and I feel that emptiness – that lacking a sense of purpose .

Perhaps selling your house is a step too far but perhaps not !
Try doing this – close your eyes and remember a time you felt complete happiness and contentment – it could be recently or decades ago . Now stay in the moment and take in the sights , smells and sounds .what were you doing , who were you doing it with ? This might help you find what you would really like to do or at least identity what you might like to do as a hobby.

I came across a quote by Oprah today

“do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do”
Of course Lizbeth perhaps you are doing just enough and being just enough but with our self esteem issues we cannot see that ?

I hope you feel a lot more positive !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kin and Velvet for your posts! Mundane is better than the gambling devastation. Something that i am still recovering from. I won’t go into details. Everything can be paid if I follow the right path. Hopefully, I will be fixed too! I keep making excuses to follow my dreams. I’m putting restrictions on myself. Why am I scared? I know life is fragile and your whole world could change in a minute. My neighbor, Who is a older than me, lost her Husband 2 years ago and her 50 year old son 2 weeks ago as he had Barres syndrome. Her family were one of the first to welcome me here, 4 years ago. I brought her a card and we talked for awhile. Her family is with her now but I know how she will feel in the weeks and months to come. I told her I am always here if she wants to talk. I spent the morning doing more yard work. The geese are carrying on at the pond. They are amazing animals if you watch them. I’m going to fix some lunch and rest. I’m physically and mentally tired.

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, I think we were posting at the same time. When I close my eyes and think of a time where I was content and my happiest, I am at a beach with my Husband. I would love to live there but it is way too pricy for my budget. I could never afford it! I would like to rent a RV for 1 month and see how it is to travel in one. I would do that before I sold my home. I’m a all in or nothing type person. Which can be a bad thing. I never pursued my job goals: teacher or a police officer. I went for a career were there was more money, benefits, and a pension. I love the quote by Oprah. You are right about the self esteem issues. I’ve never thought I was enough and always settled for less than I deserved. Thanks for your post. It gives me a lot to think about. I hope you find what you are looking for to fulfill you.

[Monica1]

Well, we all seem to be in the same boat. Finding a sense of purpose and fulfilment. We have to right on the inside before the outside follows, I know that, it’s one of those truths I know like the certainty of death and taxes. But it is about what we do now. I never fulfilled what I was meant to do in this life, I know that but it is about what we do now. Finding a passion isn’t easy. There are a number of things I was passionate about and learning and then I wasn’t as they were flawed and didn’t deliver the healing they promised. So we need to go within, peace resides there but on a human level we do need to self actualise, to find something we are passionate about and then live it. Maybe we have looked to leaders in the past and now in the U.K. and US We have idiot leaders so that is difficult. No role models to follow, no values except the buck.
I would take this time to experiment. Can you improve your necklace making process so it isn’t so time consuming isn’t? Just a thought…

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your posts! I’ve been thinking and personally, I can’t make any life changing moves till my debt is paid off. Roughly 2 years from now. It’s a big dark cloud over my head. If I’m debt free and sell my home, I might be able to live near the ocean. I would have to live in a small apartment or rent a room from someone but it’s doable. Or I could go the small motor home route. I’m not attached to material things. My family pictures and my collection of perfume bottles are the things I would need besides a few clothes and personal items. Everything else could be sold or donated. Dreams!! Monica, my bead work days are done. It’s a lot of work and the beads and stuff are expensive if you’re going to make quality, nice looking pieces. I worked for a long time in my yard the past 2 days and I’m almost done. It looks great! Today my Daughter and Granddaughter come home. It will be good to see them. I’ve decided that today I will be grateful for my life, health and family and friends. I will value myself and all of my accomplishments and future experiences. I won’t dwell on the negatives.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m going to be grateful! I’m going to stop complaining as there are people who are going through a lot! My next door neighbor is 99 years old and was recently placed in a care center because of health issues. Her only relative is her 69 year old Step Daughter. She came from the city today to check on the house. After talking to her I felt so ashamed of thinking my problems are so bad. Her 34 year old Son committed suicide 6 months ago. Her breast cancer is back and she’ll be having chemo and radiation again. Her youngest Grandchild, 15 months old was diagnosed with a rare disease, which there is no cure. OMG, I cried with her and just held her. It is heartbreaking. My suffering is self made-gambling!, I don’t know how this woman is functioning.

[Monica1]

You are so right, i will pray for your friend. It is a matter of perspective.

[lizbeth4]

I was busy all day! Transporting items from my Mom’s house and her neighbors home for the big yard sale this weekend. Thank goodness my Daughter is helping. We’ve priced everything. I have a long, covered driveway so there is room for everything. We are going to set up Thursday so we can start it early Friday morning. Making a little cash and purging at the same time. I’m tired! Played with my Granddaughter part of the day. These are things I would never do if I were gambling! I bought a DVD player yesterday and I’ve rented some movies for tonight. Going to relax.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I could have bought thousands of DVD players with the money I’ve wasted gambling. The little things like watching a movie or tearing myself to fancy tea or dessert brings me a lot more happiness that gambling. The little things in life!!

[lizbeth4]

Treating

[i-did-it]

Just catching up on your thread Lizbeth. Good luck with the yard sale ! Great way to declutter and I hope you make lots of money !

[lizbeth4]

Hi i-did-it! Well, I made $200 today with the yard sale. My Daughter’s car insurance was due so I gave her 1/2 of it. So, I made $100 today and got rid of stuff. Anything left over after tomorrow will be donated. My Daughter and Granddaughter spent the night as we had to start early for the yard sale. We made dinner together and rented a scary movie as those are her favorites. I had fun! I’m tired! No gambling thoughts or urges!

[Monica1]

Delighted to hear how well the yard sale went. Hope the next day does just as well. Keep us posted!

[lizbeth4]

Today, I made $110 with the yard sale. We’ve packed up the remainder of the yard sale for donation. I will drop it off on Monday. Ive rented another movie and I’m settling in for the night. Tomorrow I’m having lunch with a friend. It’s nice to have plans that dont involve gambling!

[lizbeth4]

This morning I’m dropping off the yard sale donations. I didn’t sleep well last night. My youngest Daughter is worrying me with her decisions regarding her ex boyfriend. Too much to go into. I have to remember that I only have control of myself and my actions and how I react to others. So, today I will do my errands, finish my chores and take time for a walk. Not gambling makes this possible.

[lizbeth4]

I got all of my tasks done. My Mom and I did a little shopping and had lunch. It was enjoyable. I purchased some light purple (my favorite color) nail polish, snacks and rented a movie for tonight. The little things seem to make me happy and content. No gambling thoughts today!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your post! I need to stay positive as when I get in a negative mood it impacts everything around me. It’s like what vibes you give to the universe, you receive back. I’m making a lot of headway also with being the doormat and scapegoat with my family. I’ve always been the people pleaser even to my own detriment. It stems from being a child and thinking if I made everyone happy our dysfunctional family would be normal. I was asked to change plans I’ve had in place for 2 months, which involve going out of town to visit a friend, to accommodate someone else’s plans. I had no problem saying no. Oh my, was my Mom shocked. She said nothing to me though. Yeah, I really don’t want to argue anymore. The other family member can change her plans. It’s freeing to take back control of my life. We only have this one so we need to make the most of it! I feel like a lot of my issues contributed to my gambling addiction. As I have break throughs the urges lease. Keep going forward!

[lizbeth4]

I received a call today with a job offer. I decided to decline. It was a job requiring in town driving. Although I love long distance driving, I wouldn’t like daily in town. The job I really wanted never called me. My finances are looking up as one of my loans will be paid off next month. I’m looking forward to putting that money into savings. Little by little things are improving in my life as I’m not gambling.

[lizbeth4]

So, after a disappointment today, I started feeling negative, low and angry at the person involved. I then started having gambling urges! I was on FB and came across a quote that was meant for me today. I will paraphrase it, “The only person who can pull me down is myself and I won’t let myself pull me down today.” I’m going to watch my Granddaughter today. That will lift my spirits. I’ve safeguarded the little bit of money I’ve managed to save. It’s in a online savings account. I have no ATM card attached to it. I want to see it grow. I’m doing ok. I think that this time I’m going to get it together and stop the gambling madness!

[lizbeth4]

This morning while having my hot tea and reflecting, I’ve realized that I’m my own worse enemy. I’ve put restrictions on my growth and being apprehensive I’ve stopped myself from fulfilling a lot of my dreams. Failing was taught to me as a sign of weakness. But in reality we all have to fail sometimes to succeed. So, I’m taking back my power and embracing what life holds in front of me. I’m making plans. Step one: to get out of debt (24 months). Step 2: rent a RV for 1 month and travel. Step 3: Either purchase a RV or travel some other way. Step 4: While working on all of my steps, I’m going to experience small, affordable hiking day trips or car trips enjoying places near me! I’m excited!!! Yesterday I made a good find. While helping my Mother clean out her storage shed, I came across a box of movies (cds, some never opened. Now I have 20 adventure, action movies. Next month I will have internet again. It’s been a little easier than I thought not having cable or internet. There are a lot of things we can eliminate if we have to. Today I’m watching my Granddaughter while my Daughter works. Joy!!!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Sara for your positive post! Today could have gone very bad for me mentally but I won’t let it. My property taxes are overdue. Which I plan on paying in the next 2 months. Of course extra interest has been added. It’s a doable situation. The cable company decided to charge me for another month which took me 45 mins of hold time to talk to a supervisor and straighten it out. I received a letter from a collection agency about a credit card debt. I thought this debt was included on debt consolidation plan but it isn’t. Now the collection agency won’t add it. I have 30 days to respond. So I’m going to figure out what I can pay them each month. I will send them a letter and the first payment when I get paid. Wow, I racked up a lot of debt when I was gambling. Fighting my way out of it!

[lizbeth4]

Sara, your input made me think more about my post! Ive had to turn down invites to do things because I didnt have the money. Gambling isn’t the only reason for my debt. Irresponsible spending, buying items and doing things I couldn’t afford to do but chose to charge on a card instead. I kept doing it till it all snowballed! Once I pay off my debts, I need to stay out of debt. I have found ways to live more cheaply. There are a lot of things I can do that are inexpensive and fun. I don’t need to impress anyone only myself. Just to have peace of mind. Free of debt. I’m making a life board (poster board with pictures of how I want my life to be in the future:) travel pictures, ect… Then when I’m discouraged, I have something visual to look at. Also, I’m going to treat myself to dinner out or something new (small item) every so often so I don’t feel so deprived. I’m getting myself out of the mess. One day at a time! No gambling. No extra spending.

[lizbeth4]

Today I woke and negative, defeatist, thoughts startied entering my head. The what if’s! I can’t go back in the past. I can only move forward and make my life the best it can be. Today will be spent doing some household chores and pulling and spraying weeds in my front yard. My Daughter is attending a wedding this evening and my Granddaughter is spending the night. Precious memories that don’t include gambling!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, glad to see that you are doing well. It’s hard to realize the damage we’ve done but you are working hard at getting things squared away. I hope you have a big RV picture on that poster board. Just think of the adventures you will have once out of this debt. Little treats and mini adventures along the way will help keep your spirits up and you won’t feel so deprived. Do you have someone that likes to go hiking with you? Maybe check into volunteering at the seniors centre like you were thinking. Give you a chance to check it out and you might meet some people with similar interests. Lots of young seniors at my local seniors club. They have more energy and fun. Try not to be too hard on yourself Liz. You miss your hubby and gambling helped to fill the void and numb the hurt. But we can’t do it forever. Reality sets in unfortunately when the money and credit runs out. You are doing really well at taking steps to be accountable. Deep breathes. The days will pass as you pay things down. Before you know it you will be buying that RV. Look at me! First new car ever! Take care,
Laura

[lizbeth4]

3 steps forward and a step back. Seems like that’s how my life has been lately. I guess that is life! I know that i am making progress. I have to be patient. Laura, the local seniors center was very depressing for me when I visited. The people were significantly older. I’d rather volunteer with children. I have a job interview in the morning. Again doing something I haven’t done before. Part time work and probably the weekends but that is ok. I want to save some money for a used RV or traveling. I have my eye on the type of RV i would like. A Minnie Winnie (Winnebago). We will see! My Daughter and I like to hike. I’m looking for a good baby hiking backpack. It’s good to have plans and dreams. I’m trying to forgive myself for my stupidity of wasting money Gambling. It’s hard! It will take awhile to get there. But I’m not gambling today.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth it’s always a pleasure to read your posts, sounds like you have been keeping busy with those yard sales great work, life is stressful and not having enough money to pay the bills is very stressful, we just have to look at the bigger picture and take time to think, we will be OK my friend I promise you that!

Gambling has taken alot from us and in truth it takes lives, keep staying strong, positive and safe, that RV sounds like a wonderful idea…….please pick me up on the way!

Good luck on the job interview tomorrow and remember just be you what’s meant to be will be, finally please do me one favour today, after reading this go and sit or lie down put some soothing music on and close your eyes for 10 mins and think of that nice beach with you and your husband holding hands…………….you know he is always with you my friend, take care Lizbeth and will always wish you well.

Maverick 

[lizbeth4]

Maverick, your post was what I needed Today! I know my Husband is with me. It’s just so hard to not have him here physically. Some of my gambling was out of loneliness and because I was lost after he died. I’m still finding my way. I would really like to get the job tomorrow. Not only because I need the money, it would help me to feel useful. Having future goals gives me the motivation to keep going. I’m going to deal with the latest creditor this week. I can only pay a monthly repayment that fits into my budget, not the unrealistic amount they are suggesting. I’m no longer going to short myself every month with my needs: food and a little bit of money for miscellaneous items. That’s causing a lot of stress. Forward is the direction to go!

[lizbeth4]

I feel like my interview didn’t go well. I wasn’t who they were looking for. I got a, we have other interviews this week. And then we will make a decision. I did my best. As Maverick said, if it’s meant to be it will happen. I’m watching my Granddaughter for a few hours while my Daughter works. She’s saying a few words and now runs everywhere. Keeps me busy and not gambling. Have a good day everyone!

[maverick.]

Kids Lizbeth you gotta love them……..always keep you on your toes………..all your life from what I hear lol, take care my friend and you can only ever do your best, hope this finds you well!

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! Being with my Grandchildren makes me feel young again and gives me a lot of joy! I was happy to see your post this morning. A friendly face. I’m so scared, disappointed and fearful of the actions that my youngest daughter is making in het life. This time it’s not just het that is involved, she has her daughter involved. I tried talking to her but she knows it all. All I can do is pray and release my worries. I did have gambling thoughts but I’m working through them. Thank goodness that I have support here. I have hope.

[maverick.]

Just be there when she needs you Lizbeth that’s all you can do.

Take care

[kin]

Hi Lizbeth4,

Life has not been smooth going and easy for you too. I just wish to share these with you.

1. Believe and have faith in Christ, gambling is not a solution.

2. In recovery, regardless what happen, gambling is not an option.

Not everyday is sunny day, there will be bad days, we will think or feel like gambling but our thoughts and feelings do not always reflect on the truth.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick and Kin for your posts! Today I decided that I am more than my gambling addiction. I’ve lived under that cloud way too long. Ive finally realized that there is so much more to me. Instead of focusing on my negative traits, I’m focusing on my positives. I’m a good Mother and Grandmother. I love my family and friends unconditionally. I’m very resourceful and creative. I’m a good person. This journey has taught me a lot about self discovery. And has made me work through a lot of painful issues I’ve carried with me since childhood. I’m finding that I’m feeling more peaceful and content with myself and my life. The only one who can hold me back is myself.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth I honestly believe if it wasn’t for my gambling addiction and finding recovery I wouldn’t be the man I am today, I have learnt so much because of the road I have taken and in truth it’s made me a better person……like you we learn alot about ourself and yes we have many good parts, take care and hope this finds you well.

Maverick

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth of course you are a good person – you are a devoted mother and grandmother and a friend to many on here – I want to applaud when I read that you refuse to let this horrible addiction define you. Keep strong and keep enjoying the important things in your life xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick and I-did-it for your posts. I do suffer from low self esteem and I’ve always been a people pleaser. Although in the last year or so, I’ve made great strides in those areas. I’ve adjusted well to living alone although I do get lonely once in awhile which I feel is normal. When I lost my Husband, best friend and soul mate, my world crashed in on me! It’s taken 5 years for me to get to a place where I know that I am going to be okay. Although I’ve done a lot of damage gambling, I know that it has made me a better and stronger person. Today I finished pulling weeds in my backyard. I sat at the picnic table with my tea and enjoyed the beauty of the blooming flowers, trees, and the strawberry patch. I know I am a very blessed ! Life is awesome without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I woke this morning feeling stressed and full of anxiety. Payday is,near and all of my bills will be paid and my living expenses. It leaves very little to offer the creditor whom I thought was on my debt consolidation. I will call them next week and offer what I have as a first payment. Nothing else I can do. I need to learn how to channel my anxiety and worries. I’m doing my best. The worse that can happen is a judgement against me and either a lien or wage garnishment. I can do only what I can do. But I must remember what got to this point- GAMBLING! And never make this mistake again. No news on my state tax refund. It would come into good use right now. The rest of my day will be spent enjoying my family. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone.

[velvet]

Hi Lizbeth
Gambling is the reason you are finding it difficult at the moment but it is you that will get yourself back on track and able to enjoy your life.
Your creditors cannot take money that you do not have and I do hope they will listen to you sympathetically – I think it is always better to be upfront with an offer, however small, rather than trying to hide until they find you.
Channelling anxiety and stress is incredibly difficult but when you look back you will see that you have ridden out many storms and you are still here looking after your family, making your backyard a place of peace and beauty and even allowing yourself a chance to dream.
You are indeed living up to your thread title and not giving up – take some time everyday and make it ‘just for you’ because you are so worth it.
Velvet

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Velvet for your post. I’m struggling Today! How in the heck did I get myself in such a mess with GAMBLING? It’s horrible not to be able to pay your debts. I need more income. The only way to get out of this mess. I will apply again this week at more places. I can feel myself going into a dark place mentally.

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth

I am sorry to read you are feeling so anxious- gambling has taken all of us to a place we never thought we would be and it can be so hard to face the consequences of that .
I have taken on extra work which is helping enormously – it gives me a little breathing space but it also takes time I could be with my family . There is no easy solution to debt I guess – just patience and perseverance – but yes it does cause a lot of guilt, anxiety and regret.

I am rooting for you Lizbeth that you can make some arrangement with your creditor .

Keep strong my friend – look how far you have come .

Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post. I’m feeling less anxious this morning. I have to face the consequences of my gambling debt. In the states you are taken to court for non payment and either a lien is placed on your property or your wages are garnished. I’ve gone over my budget and there is little money left. I will offer it to the company I owe. That’s all I can do. I’m going to check the paper today for jobs again. Im watching my Granddaughter for a few hours this morning. She’s getting so big. She brings me such joy and makes me smile.

[lizbeth4]

I’m still feeling a little anxious. Tomorrow is payday. I’m going to pay my bills and buy groceries and then I will know how much I can offer my creditor. I had a amazing day yesterday watching my Granddaughter play in her pool. She’s such a delight. I’ll be watching her for a few hours today. I’ve packed my evacuation bag, gassed up the car and checked all the fluids as we are in fire season and currently have a fire burning 19 miles Northeast of us. Rain is in the forecast for Tuesday and Wednesday, and I pray for some relief for the firefighters. Today I’m going to find some peace and contentment and enjoy my Granddaughter.

[lizbeth4]

Today was payday and I’ve paid my bills and went grocery shopping. Later this afternoon I’m going to my hair appointment. Time for a cut. I bought some dye to color the grays!!! Feeling less anxious. Rain is in the forecast for this evening and tomorrow. The fire has destroyed homes and our Governor has declared a state of emergency. Scary stuff! It grounds you and makes you realize how precious everything is. Today I didn’t gamble!!

[lizbeth4]

I believe my last gambling day was March 13th, 2018. A very significant date: the day after my Husbands death. I’m counting my gamble free time in months not days as it is easier for me to keep track of. I feel like my mindset has changed a lot. I find that I am changing and evolving in many ways. Good ways!! I had my overdue haircut yesterday and feel much better about myself. I noticed that when I gambled, I wouldn’t splurge on myself. We should be our first priority. How can we give our selves to others: family and friends, if we don’t care for ourselves? Last night was a mixture of snow and rain, making the firefighters jobs a little more manageable. More is in the forecast. Our Governor has declared a state of emergency. This will help to get more funding as there are more wildfires burning. I have a bit of a sore throat. Maybe the temperature change? I’m resting and watching 2 movies I bought from the sales bin at our local store. I’ve gamble free! I’m in control of my life and how I want the outcome to be.

[Monica1]

Scary with the fires but the weather change hopefully will put a halt to that. I believe we change a lot in recovery. We finally, or at least for me, get what is really important in Iife ie god, family and friends. Glad to hear you are doing well Liz.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Monica and thanks for your post. The rain and snow helped firefighters keep the fire from spreading. No more rain. In the forecast. Feeling better. Watching my Granddaughter a few hours this morning. Going to the store later for topsoil and seeds Time to plant my veggie garden. Something to keep me busy and to reap the benefits of fresh produce. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a good day! First, I realized that I made the last payment on a high interest loan this month. That money can go to the new creditor. I will call them next week with a proposal. I purchased my vegetable seeds and plants. This weekend the garden will be planted. Exciting! I’ve had good success in the past. My strawberries are blooming and my peach and apple trees will be producing in a few months. It does save money, keeps me busy and tastes yummy! I’ve decided to go 1 more month without the internet! I’ve purchased some movies at a yard sale at $1 a piece. I’m reading more and getting things done around here. My Mother even complimented me on how good my front and back yards look. Next month I am going to start painting the inside of my house. Everything is white but a accent wall in my dining room. Time for change!!! I’m feeling very motivated. The fire here is 50% contained. The winds are bringing a lot of smoke into town. It was caused by a illegal campfire! Fire restrictions are in force!!! Being gamble free makes life a lot better! Time for more exciting things and goals!

[Monica1]

I love the sound of your apple and peach trees, I love peaches, nectar of the Gods. It sounds like we are all making positive changes and keeping on the recovery path. Well done on the best kep yard, I must say I am not surprised!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post! I treated myself to a new journal/diary today. I ordered it online. Monica, you gave me the idea in one of your posts! I think it will be very beneficial. Trying to get motivated this morning. I need more caffeine. LOL! Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[finding_laura]

Hope you are having a great weekend Liz. Wild fires must be scary but you are staying calm and centered. Really proud of you. Debts are getting paid, your are giving yourself and your home some tlc and you are working through your anxiety without gambling. I’m sure we often used it to distract ourselves from feelings. But not this time. Enjoy the new journal. Your garden sounds absolutely lovely. take care, Laura

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth – hope you are feeling safe with all those wild fires.
I love the sound of your garden- there is nothing so good as having your own fresh produce. Reading about it is making my mouth water !
I agree being gamble free is great – it also feels great when we come to the end of a debt- it helps us see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life sounds pretty good for you !

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura and I-did-it for your posts! I think I will appreciate my vegetable garden and fruit trees more this year as I am eating meat free. 8 months now! I can’t wait to taste it all! Although I am motivated to plant a garden, keep my yard and 13 rose bushes and flowering shrubs and trees healthy and to put my energy in my family, I find I have no motivation to get a job or volunteer. Something I should be doing. Honestly, I don’t want to interact with other people excluding friends and family. My friend circle has always been small but tight. I know I need to expand my horizons but it’s a hurdle that I’m having trouble with. Maybe it’s reflected in my last 2 job interviews. Maybe something negative is coming through to others. Something else to work on!!!! Growing takes work!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
It sounds to me like you have your priorities right – charity begins at home – you provide baby sitting services (yes I know it’s a pleasure !) to your family , you support an elderly mother (which isn’t always the easiest task) and you provide lovely fresh produce for your family .
If you can get by, why beat yourself up about work or volunteering outside the home?
I think sometimes we forget how much we already do.
If you absolutely need to work that is another matter entirely!

How about deciding to postpone the idea for six months and just enjoy and that you have achieved and achieve every day ? How about being kind to Lizbeth – and accepting that being with family and close friends is ok. Sometimes we just don’t need all those outsiders .

It just seems to me that you have come so far , overcome such obstacles that you could do worse things than take a little time to just congratulate Lizbeth and enjoy all you have achieved without the burden of work hanging over you .
Forgive me if I’m way off the mark .
Xx

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth,
It sounds to me like you have your priorities right – charity begins at home – you provide baby sitting services (yes I know it’s a pleasure !) to your family , you support an elderly mother (which isn’t always the easiest task) and you provide lovely fresh produce for your family .
If you can get by, why beat yourself up about work or volunteering outside the home?
I think sometimes we forget how much we already do.
If you absolutely need to work that is another matter entirely!

How about deciding to postpone the idea for six months and just enjoy and that you have achieved and achieve every day ? How about being kind to Lizbeth – and accepting that being with family and close friends is ok. Sometimes we just don’t need all those outsiders .

It just seems to me that you have come so far , overcome such obstacles that you could do worse things than take a little time to just congratulate Lizbeth and enjoy all you have achieved without the burden of work hanging over you .
Forgive me if I’m way off the mark .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

I-did-it, your ideas are greatly appreciated. I do a lot and I’m afraid of biting off more than I can chew. It would have to be part time work. I can make it on what I earn, debt repayment and all but I don’t have money to save for emergencies, ect… This bothers me greatly. My life is a little topsy turvy right now as my Daughter’s work hours fluctuate and my Mother’s forgetfulness is getting worse. But sometimes I just want to do what I think is best for me!!! But then I feel selfish. Ugh!!! Today I’ve watered my garden (looking good) and I’m doing some housekeeping. No urges but for some reason my sleeping pattern is off.

[lizbeth4]

PS: I’ve paid 1/2 of my property taxes! Still waiting for my state tax refund which will pay the other half. It won’t go to savings as originally planned! But I am making progress on my debts.

[lizbeth4]

Today I spent a few hours with my neighbor across the street from me. Her son passed away about 1 month ago. She is 80 years old but seems a lot younger. She was lonely and sad. I’ve only spoken with her a few times. It was meant for me to be there. I cried with her and gave her hugs. She said she felt much better when I was leaving. I want to help people. I know it sounds simplistic but I feel that is my calling. I’m going back to my last job interview place tomorrow as it was working with mentally disabled adults. I’m not sure why I wasn’t selected as they provide training but I’m going to try and get the position. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

[finding_laura]

Wow Liz, I can understand how that must be very stressful. You are concerned about your grandaughter, the little innocent she is. Maybe listening calmly without judgement helps her to think it through on her own. That way she doesn’t go into defense mode. Defending her half baked thoughts. And the last thing you want is her getting her back up and digging her heels in over some half baked thoughts 🙂 It’s a tough life sometimes when you are a sensitive person aware of every little vibe and nuanace. Keep up the meditation. It is on my to do list if this life ever slows down. But good things! Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I ‘ve given my worries about both of my Daughters over to God. They are going to have to learn from their mistakes. It does me more harm worrying. Not good for your health. The position I wanted is filled. Bummer! I spent the morning watering my garden and roses and enjoying my yard. I have strawberries already! I think my veggie garden is going to be awesome this year. I’ve been laxed on my morning walks but I’m starting again tomorrow. Persistance!!! My Sister will be here this weekend. Looking forward to spending time with her. I think I am going to break down and order internet soon. LOL! But I’m cutting the cable. I can live without it. My life is pretty peaceful these days. Just how I like it!

[finding_laura]

Peaceful and even a little boring would sound good to me right about now. We are in the process of by a piece of property that came up at a very good price. It’s in a location we’ve always wanted to live. So appointments have been the name of the game lately! Realty, bank, lawyer! And I am leaving Monday to visit family so need to pack. In the middle of that I am trying to finish taxes, sort my home as I have a cleaning lady in now to do some spring cleaning oh and throw in trying to set up a new computer. I feel I am losing my mind at the moment! Thank heavens for coffee. Your garden sounds lovely, perfect for an afternoon tea, or a cold beer maybe. Have a great day Liz, keep at it. You are making progress. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, seems like you are real busy! It’s so much better than the alternative, gambling! My Daughter and Granddaughter have been in the city for almost a week, so it’s been quiet here. I took my Mother shopping and out for lunch yesterday. She’s getting so fragile. I’m glad that my Sister will be here this weekend. Her visits are few because she is still working. My house and garden are my peaceful places. My paradise. I’m very fortunate to have found this place. I’m grateful everyday! Life is getting better for me without gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Today my Daughter and Granddaughter came back from the city. She’s decided that she wants to live there. I knew this was coming and I understand her reasons. She plans on moving in with a friend who also has a young daughter. We talked and she is taking her time and making sure that everything is solid before she moves. I reiterated that I’m always here for her and I’m being supportive. This has prompted me into making plans for myself. Exercise is on the top of my list. I’m going to keep chipping away at my debt. 22-30 months from now and all of my debts will be paid off. I’ve set up a repayment plan with the newest creditor who wouldn’t agree with the debt consolidation plan. They will be paid off in 9 Months. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m already planning a week long road trip via car instead of RV when this goal is met. It’s a place I’ve wanted to see. It’s time to take action and to put my traveling desires into reality. I think that gambling and the consequences have made me want to fulfil my dreams even more. Life is short and it’s time to take action!

[i-did-it]

Greta post Lizbeth – stay focused on those debts – what about having a chart on ur fridge or mirror which u mark off each month – I love visuals and find them very motivating ?

You are doing all the right things – I think when we remember that we are as important as any of the other people in our lives ,we improve life for everyone .

Keep strong and watch that debt fade away xx

[finding_laura]

It sounds like your daughter is actually being half sensible about the move. She’s not rushing into living arrangements with the boyfriend. You gave her stability after the birth of your granddaughter. All you can do is be supportive without being a doormat and I think you’ve done a good job of walking that line with her Liz. I hope you have some pictures or a glossy travel brochure to tack up on the fridge too. So you are reminded every time you tick a day/week or month of repayment off you are that much closer to your trip. You deserve to make your dreams come true. Stay strong Liz. You are doing great. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it and Laura for your supportive posts! My Sister arrived this afternoon. She had a long talk with my Daughter and basically reiterated everything I had said. Our big concern is that she has no family support there. She gave me the most beautiful Mother’s Day card. I feel like I’ve done the best I could and that she will call me if she needs me. I want her to do well on her own. I’ve made a life board so I have a visual reminder of my dreams and goals. I have a chart listing all of my debts and I mark them off when they are paid. I’m a visual person and this helps keep me on tract. Some I have the last creditor a payment this month, I won’t be getting internet till June. I’m managing fine without it. I had enough money to rent movies and purchase a few more. I was able toi buy my Mother some beautiful orchids and her favorite candy for Mother’s Day. Life isn’t perfect but it’s so much better without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

My Sister just left to go home. My Mother’s Day was Good! We made dinner at home and played card games. I enjoyed spending time with my Sister. She has talked me into making jewelry again as she is making jewelry. I’m going to try some new techniques and venture off of my usual stuff. If all goes well we are going to sell our items at local craft shows later this year. Maybe for Xmas. It will give me something to do during the winter also. My Daughter is waiting for her tax return money so she can move back to the city. I’m really trying to be positive and supportive . It’s hard! I will miss my Granddaughter. My garden is taking off. I have a lot of strawberries and my peach tree is going to have a lot of fruit. I have many home projects and maintenance to keep me busy. I have to remember to take time for me. I deserve it! No gambling =peaceful Life!

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and Granddaughter are moving to the city tomorrow. I helped her pack up her van and spent most of the day with my Granddaughter. I’ve had a upset stomach all day. I’m so worried that she will relapse. I’m being supportive but voicing my worries. She has promised to come home if things don’t work out and to keep in contact with me. I’m sure going to miss seeing my Granddaughter everyday. Yesterday my sweet Grandson called to tell me he loved me. He made my day! My state refund was processed and will be deposited to my account in 2 days. It will pay the second half of my property taxes and my HOA fees for the year. Another debt paid. I need to be very conscious about not gambling. When I’m upset, stressed, I seem to relapse. I can’t do it again! I have to keep myself busy.

[lizbeth4]

My Daughter and Granddaughter are in the city. I spent the morning getting hugs and kisses and snuggles from my Granddaughter. She was aware that something was going on. I prayed to my higher power last night and I have faith that everything will work out. I had gambling urges this morning but I went home and watered my garden and roses. I’m doing household chores now! I knew I would get urges as my stress level have been high. I made a list of house maintenance projects that need to be done. Some are small but there are a few major ones. I’m capable of doing them all. This will keep me busy. I intend on working on my jewelry on the weekends. I will keep the weekends opened for that. My Sister is coming back in 12 days as we need to fix a few things at Mom’s house. I’m completely invested in not gambling.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It must be so hard to see your granddaughter and daughter leave but trust in God that they will be ok- your daughter has extra reasons now not to relapse with her beautiful daughter to care for.
Your garden sounds fabulous – selling jewellery is a really great idea – many entrepreneurs advise that if you can turn something you are passionate about into a business, you can build a business while not even feeling like you are working.

Lizbeth it will be so good to have those extra debts paid – and I think gambling is so far from your mind – you are moving forward in every way and leaving old destructive behaviours behind – keep strong , keep focused and keep doing everything you are doing .
Xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I text my Daughter and she and the baby are fine. My Daughter worked today for a friend, doing some handyman work. She has more work for the next 2 weeks. She said it was a good day. I’m going to devote my weekends for my jewelry making. First, I need to replenish my supplies and buy some new tools. Once my refund goes into my account, I can order what I need. There are no bead and supply places here. Since I will be making necklaces in new techniques, I’m excited! Who knows? I might create a website or try selling on EBay also. The possibilities are endless! I am keeping focused and moving forward. Gambling is in the past.

[lizbeth4]

Today I’m having strong gambling urges! Luckily my state refund hasn’t hit my checking account yet. I’ve watered my garden this morning and did some yard work. Now I’m doing laundry but the urges haven’t lessened. I know the urges are from my Daughter and Granddaughter leaving and my Mother’s worsening dementia. STRESS!! I just want to stop everything so I can take a breath. I’m going to make it through the day without gambling. I really have no one to turn to but this site and the people here. I trust few people concerning my addiction.

[lizbeth4]

My gambling urges have lessened. They are still there but I’m managing my impulses and I haven’t gambled. I spent the day with my Mother. We played games and had dinner together. She is very aware of her failing memory. Although we’ve had serious issues, I’ve decided that I will take care of her for as long as possible. I called about my refund and it was mailed instead of direct deposited. 10-15 business days before I see it. Maybe the mistake was a intervention of some sort. I’m sure my urges will be gone by then and I will still have my money.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
It does i deed sound like divine intervention.
Perhaps this would be a good time to look at any extra barriers you may need – I say this because for me the only reason I haven’t gambled is that I can’t. I got a text from a casino yesterday and it is still causing urges for me – a sum of money landing in my account would make it very difficult for me to resist . Maybe you and I will always have urges – but we can take action to avoid gambling. – lecture over – it’s just that I know how gutted you will feel if that lump of money slips away !

It’s so sad that your mum has to watch her memory fail and I’m sure this worry will impact on your urges – remember for so long gambling was our number one coping strategy .
On the bright side your children are doing well , you can be debt free very soon and it’s good that your urges have lessened .

Your hobby can becomes money spinner , you have so much to look forward to – don’t let this addiction steal another second of happiness from you Lizbeth .

Onwards and upwards xx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks I-did-it for your positive post! I think gambling thoughts will always pop up for us. But we can resist! At this point I have no one to be accountable to but myself. No more barriers can be put into place. Although I have a lot of worries about my youngest Daughter and my Granddaughter, I know she has to try it on her own. I’m really hoping she succeeds. She has my support. I will always be there for her. The biggest barrier that I can put into place is remembering what gambling robbed me of. That’s my biggest detourant. I have a lot to look forward to. Many dreams and goals ahead of me. My Mother’s situation may be sad but she has 2 Daughters who love her and will take good care of her. Life is pretty good!

[Monica1]

Good to read. Also my biggest deterrent, it robbed me of everything, Health, wealth, faith and love. You are such a loving person Liz, your family are blessed indeed
.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post. I’m so happy that your life is going in a positive direction. You so deserve it! I’m cleaning and reorganizing my storage/workshop room. OMG! I’m crossing off items needed for my home projects as I have come across many items I didn’t know I had that were shoved back on the shelves. More money saved! I came across some old metal pieces and my mind went to what I could make out of them. I have some unique, cool ideas. I text my youngest Daughter last night and asked her if she needed any money. She said no as she is working and just received her tax refund. She wants to make it on her own. I told her I was so proud of her and I would always be there for support. My garden is going crazy. I’ve only lost 2 plants. I’m going to plant mint and rosemary in their place. Today I feel peaceful, content and calm. There is a lot of dreams to follow!

[lizbeth4]

Today was a busy day! I did yard work, tended the garden. I sold some baby clothing and shoes she has outgrown. I sold a few of my items that were new with price tags as I waited too long to return and they didn’t fit properly. I briefly thought about gambling today but I refrained! I had lunch with my Mother and we played some games. My Sister is coming again for a visit this weekend. We’re planning on going to some yard sales and taking Mom to breakfast. Fun!!! Tomorrow will be spent painting the trim on the back of the house. I’ve marked off 2 home projects I’ve completed. I have many more! Keeps me busy and out of trouble.

[finding_laura]

Glad to read you are keeping busy and staying out of trouble as you put it 🙂 Yard saling and breakfast sounds nice. I hope your mom behaves. I’m watching my mom get older and I find she is getting more stressed with everyday life. She is not used to this world where service is no longer something that is provided. There are always going to be urges and triggers. I guess we have to learn to reduce or remove the triggers as much as possible. Stress and money coming are likely some of the triggers. Get rid of that tax return as fast as you can. Tie it up somehow if you want savings. A short term GIC or something. You won’t be able to get at it without some work. You’d do it for your daughter in a pinch but not to go gambling I don’t think. I hope these urges fade. Take care Liz!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your supportive post. My refund will go for the final payment on my property taxes and my HOA fees for the year. I’m finding that I’m being more patient and understanding with my Mother. It’s hard to see her struggle with her words, ect. She’s getting so fragile. I had a stressful day. My Sister called and asked for a favor concerning her youngest adult Son. My Sister never asks for help. I was able to help but had a lot of running around to do but accomplished her request. She was so grateful. I’m mentally drained. But the stress didn’t trigger gambling thoughts.

[lizbeth4]

PS: The highlight of my day was my youngest Daughter sending pics of my Granddaughter and my Grandson calling me. He is spending 1 week with me this summer. Happiness!

[finding_laura]

Great news about the upcoming summer vacation with your grandson. You helped your sister and you didn’t have to gamble to de stress afterwards. Must feel accomplished! Have a good evening.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your post. I was only too happy to help my Sister. I received my tax refund and it went to the 2 bills that I had allotted it for. More debt paid down! I have some money left for a nice dinner when my Sister is here this weekend and money to start buying jelwery making supplies. Exciting! Things are falling into place. Life is good!

[finding_laura]

so happy to hear it Liz. Paid down debt and a couple of nice little rewards for your self. It must make things easier knowing you are banned. Barriers help us make better choices. Have a great weekend with your sister. Enjoy your lovely meal out and have fun with your jewelry making! Laura

[lizbeth4]

My Sister’s stay was short because she has to work tomorrow (Memorial day). We had fun and a great dinner out last night. I’m looking forward to ordering some jewelry supplies this week. I’m getting the minimum to start with because the start up is costly. I can add on as I have extra money. The ideas I have are endless. Can’t wait to get started!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz, I have been spending the week catching up after coming home from a trip. I actually read back quite a bit further on your thread. I wish you great success with your jewelry business. Always fun to have things to look forward to. It will help keep your mind and hands busy doing something you enjoy. things really seem to be going great. Such a short time such a big change. Blessings Liz! Have a great evening.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Even though I’m paying down the debt, it feels like it’s taking so long. It sure didn’t take long to incur! I feel like im on tract with a small cushion then there’s car tags, maintenance, yearly HOA fees, ect… I know that I have to look at the big picture and the end goal. I have a lot to be grateful for: my children are in a good place and are parenting my Grandchildren well, I’m healthy and In a good place. Making jewerly will be therapeutic for me and if it takes off even the better. I can be so cynical sometimes. I need to keep looking at the positives.

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz,
for sure it doesn’t take long to incur. And at the time it at least sorta felt like fun. Repaying takes a while, and is no fun at all so that probably doesn’t make it go any faster. I try to stay in the moment, in the day. Like you I am thankful I have roof over my head ( a pretty good one), I have food in the cupboard, my health needs are taking care of, i’m mobile and my family is healthy and taken care of. Deep breaths Liz. I often think it’s our empathetic natures that make us as anxious as we are. We are always tuned listening outward for others needs. Time we tune into ourselves too. Take care Liz. You ARE doing this as we speak. Recovery.

[lizbeth4]

Laura, Your post made me think. I’m always impatient and hard on myself! I’m doing my best and I need to be patient as it will take time to pay off my debts. I also have many things to be grateful for. My positives outweigh my negatives. I do need to live in the now, the moment! I’ve struck up a friendship with my 80 year old neighbor, who recently lost her Son. She doesn’t drive. Her youngest Son lives with her but works full time. We went to the thrift shop and had lunch at the local pizza place. I found DVD movies for $1 and a brand new rice/pasta/vegetable steamer for $4. She is a very interesting person. I thought about introducing her to my Mother as they are the same age but my Mother is very anti social, so it’s probably not a good idea. I am taking my Mother to a new restaurant this Thursday. She seems excited. Hoping to have my basic jewelry start up supplies ordered by this weekend. I’m keeping busy and gamble free!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling a little down today. I know it’s money related. I must keep on my budget and try not to overspend. I guess it’s my compulsive personality that keeps distorting my thoughts. But I know I need to keep on my path and I will see the results down the road. I don’t want to backside and gamble. The urges keep popping up and I keep fighting them. I must remember my goals and dreams!

[Monica1]

I was noticing about how much I beat myself up for making a mistake when I am learning which I have done recently. Signs of a compulsive nature I guess wanting to get it right. We need to get just compulsive
being kind to ourselves. Big lesson for me there. I guess we are becoming more mindful and learning more moment to moment how we feel and how our thought patterns influence how we feel. Liz, you are doing well. You hve a good path and are paying off your debt on a much shorter road than most of us. Me till I retire if i choose to go that way.
If we gamble we lose, we can never win, so don’t bother.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post on my thread. You reiterated many things I know and still trying to incorporate Into my life. Thank you for your support. Today I’m taking my neighbor to the store. She is now calling me on a daily basis. She has a son who lives with her but works during the day. I think she is lonely. I don’t mind helping her or visiting with her but it can’t be in a daily basis. I’ve already promised to take her to a Dr’s appointment next week. I need to find a way to politely decline and choose when I see her. Ugh!!!! My youngest Daughter is doing well. She is working and likes her job. My Granddaughter looks happy in the pictures she sends. That makes me happy. I’m feeling more content with my life. My garden, yard and house bring me peace. No gambling for me!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Monica for your post on my thread. You reiterated many things I know and still trying to incorporate Into my life. Thank you for your support. Today I’m taking my neighbor to the store. She is now calling me on a daily basis. She has a son who lives with her but works during the day. I think she is lonely. I don’t mind helping her or visiting with her but it can’t be in a daily basis. I’ve already promised to take her to a Dr’s appointment next week. I need to find a way to politely decline and choose when I see her. Ugh!!!! My youngest Daughter is doing well. She is working and likes her job. My Granddaughter looks happy in the pictures she sends. That makes me happy. I’m feeling more content with my life. My garden, yard and house bring me peace. No gambling for me!

[Monica1]

It sounds like your neighbour could do with some additional support that is a bit more than just being a good neighbour, which you are incidentally. Can you speak to the son and set some boundaries? Like you love to help her but have other commitments too? We must learn to say no, something I occasionally struggle with but mostly in a work situation for me. Tricky people stuff. aRggghhhhhh!

[lizbeth4]

I did say no to her today as she kept adding places she wanted to go. I told her I had a prior commitment. I don’t mind helping her out but I don’t want her to think she can continuously call me. She needs grief counseling. Her Son is very snobbish, so I won’t be talking to him about the situation. I will figure out a tactful way to set boundaries with her.

[lizbeth4]

Urges! Payday! Not going to gamble. Money is tight but all bills are paid. I’m not sure where the urges are coming from. I will beat this!!

[i-did-it]

Lizbeth
You will beat this
I don’t know where those urges come from but they seek only to bring pain and ruination .
We have had put pain and ruination behind us and are now building the lives we deserve .

Stay strong Lizbeth – maybe tell us more about that road trip you talked about a few weeks ago.

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I was able to refrain from gambling! My brain was telling me that if I could win a little money, things would be better. We all know that’s not how it works! I sent a card with a little money in it to my Grandson. He has had straight A’s all year. While I was mailing it, reality kicked in and my gambling urges lessened. Yesterday while at the library, I discovered their DVD section. A rather large selection for a small town. I have many movies to choice from. Tomorrow im taking my Mother grocery shopping and them I’m working on my front yard border. Keep busy=no gambling.

[lizbeth4]

Well, I’ve refrained from gambling and the urges are less intense. Mom and I went to 2 stores. I was able to afford healthy foods. I’ve bought enough for the month. I stayed and played a few games with Mom. We talked about her siblings (my Aunts and Uncles) who have passed on and my Mom’s childhood. Talking about my Grandmother brought back fond memories. Not having internet for another month or more is no big deal. I have a bit selection of movies at the library and I’m getting caught up on my reading. I haven’t ordered ant jewerly supplies yet. I may only be able to get the bare minimum right now but it’s a start!!! You know? Life is pretty good right now!

[finding_laura]

Glad to read that life is good right now. Well done Liz on get through the urges. Pay day itself could easily be a trigger but you made it through! Accomplished a lot when you think about it. Enjoy the movies! I’m glad your mom is behaving for the moment. I’m sure your property is looking lovely. Take care

[lizbeth4]

Actually, I feel like my Mother and I have come to a compromise. She hasn’t had a outburst for awhile. I see her but not daily and I back off when I feel a conflict rising. It seems to be working. I have some home projects to do this summer: painting the trim on the back of the house, staining the front deck, ect… Many things to keep me busy. I do like it when I accomplish things. Then my mind doesn’t drift to gambling.

[finding_laura]

I’m glad to hear it Liz. Seems you are in a good place. My mother has been having some health issues of late and I’m starting to get a little worried about her. She has always been my rock. It’s hard to see the people we love getting older. Have a good night.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been feeling a little blue today. Working through It! I have had some gambling urges. Don’t know where this is coming from. I did a few things around the house and visited the library to check out more movies. I’ve been vegging all afternoon. I had a call from my Grandson and it put me in a better mood. I’m unable to purchase my jewerly supplies this month as I had to pay my yearly HOA fees for the year. Next month! I wonder how long will i battle with gambling urges??? It’s tiring.

[finding_laura]

I’m not sure Liz. Do you know how long it’s been roughly since you gambled? There are certain times that can trigger urges. Milestones of sorts. I know for certain 3 months is one. I’m going to have to see if I can find the exact dates again. 3 weeks, maybe 6 weeks, 9 weeks, 3 months 6 months 9 months 1 year from recollection. It must give you even more respect for your younger daughter and all she has gone though and continues to face. It’s really to bad you couldn’t pick up some supplies as it may have given you a pleasant distraction from your urges. If things are that tight how would you even manage if you gambled again? I guess we need to really remind ourselves when the urges come. The urges will pass quickly hopefully but the damage giving in could cause could last a lifetime. Your beautiful home would possibly be at risk. I know you know these things but that is what can be good about GA. You can pick up the phone and on the other end is someone who will talk you out of it. So I’m hoping a post is the next best thing. Hang in there Liz. This too shall pass.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

I’m not sure how long it’s been since I’ve gambled. Personally, that doesn’t matter to me. As long as I am gamble free right now. Where would I get money to gamble? I keep a small stash for groceries, paper goods, ect. It’s not much but all of the cash on hand. See how the gambling mind works. There is currently no GA meetings in this town. That is probably why I post so often here. My gam bling thoughts have lessen. This morning I’m taking my neighbor to the Dr’s, as I had promised before we had our talk. I’m afraid I’m going to hurt her feelings as she isn’t getting what we talked about She’s asked if I can take her somewhere almost everyday and I’ve told her no. UGH !!! My motto for today. Be kind to yourself! Self care is essential for us.

[lizbeth4]

I spent the day with a friend Her Husband is scheduled for another cancer related surgery next week. We had lunch and visited on her front deck. It was nice. I’m gamble free after major urges. I’m amazed that I was able to resist. It makes me feel stronger and makes getting through the urges a little easier. I’m still don’t have cable or Wi-Fi and I’m surviving. I’m not able to post on others threads as I have to watch my data. But I’m reading the threads and sending positive vibes to everyone.

[lizbeth4]

Early this morning I took my walk. Only saw 1 other person. I took in all of the beautiful nature around me. I think I’ve only been living not really living in the moment and realizing how blessed I am. Everything doesn’t need to happen right now. That’s why we have dreams and goals! We are forever changing and evolving. Life is what you make it. Gambling almost destroyed me! Today I haven’t gambled and I didn’t want to.

[Monica1]

Great post Liz. The forums are quiet at the moment but thank you for your post on my thread. Have started a new one as reached 300 days today. Sometimes we don’t see what is right there before us. And when gambling we are completely lost to it. Good to see you keep going in recovery. It’s the only way to be.

[kathryn]

Happy to read you are in a good place right now.
I’ve had a massive weekend, work wise. Saving for my next trip with my bestie.
I did a trip to Darwin for 2 weeks a few weeks ago, beautiful weather and a great catch up with my sister and niece which I badly needed after mums death. It’s been 4 months now and I’m constantly looking at her photo and shaking my head. Still so hard to process. Not sure that I’ll ever get used to living without her.
Lisbeth, it’s my anniversary today, 9 years. Yep, a couple of slips in that time but geez, I find it unbelievable. The time has flown really and so much has happened. I’m no longer that frightened, anxiety ridden, sad person. I lost so much due to my addiction, things I can never get back.
In saying that, I am so so proud of myself. I did this. Me.
I am living.
I think of you often, and still check in every day. Don’t lose that positivity my friend, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Kathryn, Your post means so much to me! I hope to be in the position, money wise, to enjoy and plan trips also. You should be proud of your gamble free time. That’s a big accomplishment. You give me hope. When your Mother passed, it really hit me hard. I could feel your pain. It was a turning point with my relationship between my Mother and I. I no longer look at her with pain and apprehension. I look at her with love and care. Kathryn, your Mother is all around you. You just can’t see her. My weekend was rough. I’ve come to a conclusion that some major things have to change in my life. Things that are causing me a lot of sadness and will destroy me. It’s time to see my Dr and counselor again. Maybe I would benefit from a light antidepressant. The mind can be a scary thing. I’ve always resisted medications but anxiety attacks are so scary. I need to get some relief. I can’t obsess with what can go wrong. I have to see the joy and happiness in things. On top of all of this, I found a large scropin in my hallway! Yikes! Thank goodness my Granddaughter wasn’t here. He went into a dustpan and back outdoors. This weekend I’m feeling really insignificant. It would be nice to have someone say, it’s going to be okay and you are enough. Kathryn, you’ve made me feel better. Thank you.

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
Sorry to read you feel low- you are definitely not insignificant.you are a valued mother, grandmother and daughter even when it doesn’t feel like it .
You are also valued on this site even when people aren’t posting much. I seem to go through dry spells with posting. – usually when life is a struggle I post less.
It sounds like a good idea to visit your doctor – I hope you feel a lot better soon xx

[lizbeth4]

Thank you i-did-it for your caring post. I’m just feeling down about my life. Who can change this? Me!!! I seem to retreat when feeling down, which makes it worse. I know I have to do something to change this around. I’m mentally drained. It’s going to be a early night.

[lizbeth4]

My youngest Daughter just sent me the most positive news! Her job is going well as is her living arrangements. My Granddaughter is doing great. My Daughter is getting much needed dental work done! She’s my hero and my example that anything is possible. You can achieve anything if you want it bad enough!

[lizbeth4]

Struggling Today! Not only with gambling but other issues in my life. My Dr’s appointment is in August. Small town, not many Dr’s. Something happened today that rocked me to the core. I won’t go into details but it left me scared and angry. There is nothing that I can do about it. No recourse! One of the downfalls of living in a small town. Thankfully my Mother was there to comfort me and was on my side. It’s time for me to totally get myself together. No more loose ends. We have one life too live and we need to make it the best we can! I’m not giving up!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve been walking every morning and my Mom has joined me. So I’m going at a slower pace but that’s ok. We both need the exercise. I’m in a little better frame of mind. Things are ok in my life. It could be a lot worse. I hope everyone has a great gamble free day.

[lizbeth4]

Bad day! Feel like I’m surrounded by negative people. My people pleaser side wants to make it better but that’s at my expense. So today, I will practice self care. I can’t change anyone but myself.

[lizbeth4]

Long needed rain today! I’m staying in my PJS watching movies. My doors are opened. Smelling and hearing the gentle, light rain. So wonderful. Smells so clean. Yesterday my spirit was down. Just a mood I’ve been in. It seems like the harder I try, the more I struggle. Unexpected expense throws a wrench In my already tight budget. I thought of selling a few precious items but took them off the site. Just can’t part with them. I will get through. Yesterday I had a long phone conversation with a dear friend of 29 years. Afterwards, I felt better than I have in a long time. She loves me for me. We have a lot in common. She’s family. I have renewed hope that I can keep fighting this addiction and that I’m worthy of a great life!

[finding_laura]

Hi Liz! I just got back from an unexpected trip due to death in the family. Thanks to years of gamble free time I was able to afford it. You are definitely worth fighting for and so is your gamble free future. If you keep gambling what would you have to sell next? Your beloved home? Keep fighting through those tough days Liz. The good days are worth it. And there will be more of them. Try not to let other’s negativity get to you. Distance yourself when you can and when you can’t remember that it is their problem. I’m so happy to hear there is someone in your corner. Enjoy your quiet day. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Laura, I’m so sorry to hear about the death in your family. Being gamble free means you were able to be present for the funeral. Today has been so peaceful. I watched movies and took a nap. It’s still lightly raining which has caused the temperature to drop. Such a lovely day! Being gamble free is fantastic! But I am still working on the causes and stressors of what caused me to gamble. Although sometimes painful, this is part of my recovery. I’m so grateful for the support here and the love from a handful of friends I have whom I regard as family. Tomorrow I take another leap and go to a new church. It’s time.

[lizbeth4]

It’s been a quiet day! I will be walking solo starting tomorrow. My Mother is unable physically to continue. Earlier I felt myself going into a pity party mood. Thinking of finances. About 1/2 of my monthly income goes to debts from gambling and overspending. After car,payment, insurance, and utilities, ect…i have roughly 8 percent to live off of monthly. I know I must learn patience. Starting in October, 1 debt will be paid and they will continue to be paid. I just feel discouraged sometimes. But I have to look at the big picture and remember what got me in this situation. I need to keep moving forward and try to be grateful for what I have. I will stay positive!

[lizbeth4]

So this,morning I walked 2.11 mikes. I’m taking my neighbor to the library this morning. I’m feeling ok. Church wasn’t all that great. I didn’t feel the fellowship. Maybe it’s me. There are things happening in my life that I can’t discuss on this forum but they are deeply affecting Mr. I’m working through them, slowly. I have faith that I will come out of these trials for the better. The stress is a trigger for me. I pray I have the strength to get through this!!!

[finding_laura]

I will pray for your strength as well Liz. What is the other choice besides getting through I often wonder. More gambling will lead to more of the same. Debt and stress! Your 8% is pretty precious at the moment and any lower would be a disaster. It’s good we have each other to vent to a little even if the details can’t be shared. Being lonely is not a nice feeling. Being lonely in the middle of a group of people is even harder. Of course it may be the church, or it may be that it will take people time to approach or make friends. I always stress over things like that. Should I introduce myself, should I wait for them to etc etc. Have patience with yourself and them and maybe try again a few times. Hope you got some good books at the library. Hang tough Liz. Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Laura for your supportive post! I’m happy that I have support here. I share almost everything here but there are a few details I like to keep private. I’m trying a different church this Sunday. I’m not giving up! Next month will be a juggling game as I have 2 yearly expenses coming up. I obviously didn’t plan well for them. I’m reading books on budgeting, money, ect…I figure I can learn something. I’m still living without cable and internet and surviving. I’m checking out movies from the library. It’s been a lifesaver! Continued patience is what I need to practice in my daily life.

[Monica1]

I can really relate to what you are going through. More than once, I relapsed because of the debt issues and the depression it brings particularly when it will take many years to get out of it or for me, if at all. Gambling was never the answer, I can see that it just accelerated the destructive aspects of gambling even more.
I too am about to embark on a church hop ie trying to find a church I feel comfortable with and that has values I can relate to, I like the evangelical type church that motivates based on scripture. Not the fear based or the judgmental, or excluding ie if you’re gay it is a sin which I don’t agree with at all. Don’t settle, find one that suits you and makes you feel god that you went…!

[lizbeth4]

Thank you for your post! Gambling isn’t the answer. Gambling, overspending and poor planning gas caused my debt and money worries. This too shall pass. I’m working on it! 12 more car payments. I will never buy a brand new car again. It will be used from now on and paid with cash. This October forward for the next 30 something months, I will be debt free from credit cards and loans. I’ve learned my lesson! My credit is poor but I do have a good payment history on my mortgage and car. I can rebuild it! Monica, I hope you can find a church that works for you. I’m on my quest and Sunday I will be visiting a new church. Here’s a fact about myself that few know, I’m a history buff. I’m watching some Dvds on the Amercuan Revolutionary time. Very interesting! I’ve already researched the history of the town I live in and i attend many of the events and talks that pur local historian presents. It’s something that fuels my attention.

[lizbeth4]

I started off today with my morning walk even though I thought about for going it. I forced myself and in the end I was happy that I had gone. About my finances, too many bills next month, not enough money. I’ve prioritized my bills and the ones that automatically come out of my checking account. If I curtail a few bills, I will talk to the companies, I can pay the most important ones. Then I will have to catch up on those in August. Debt is depressing and exhausting. But I’m dealing with it! My friend called me today and her husband now has bladder cancer and has to have another surgery. She was in tears so I met her and we talked. She said she felt better afterwards. I felt exhausted but glad that I could be there for her. Honestly, it brought back memories regarding my Husband and made me very sad. Going to bed early. Need sleep.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your message on my thread. Appreciated. The depression of debt and the endless phone calls. I know it wears us down as it has done on me over many years now. One thing I do know is when you mention bankruptcy they leave you alone for a while, well they do me anyway. We have to give it to God. It is only money after all, and it isn’t our life. We can mix this up sometimes, I used to and I am sure people who end their lives over debt mix up money and life. Very different things. Two of my family went bankrupt and survived it. We will get there and you will sooner than I. You are doing your very best and that is admirable . I am sorry about your friend and her husband. I am sure she appreciated your support. All we can do is hold them in our prayers for healing, love and support. Sometimes all that is needed is a listening supportive ear.

[lizbeth4]

Monica, Money isn’t everything! I remember the endless phone calls and letters. It stopped when I went on my consolidation plan. It’s all a tiring experience. I’m sure your bankruptcy will go through before my debts ate repaid. I am trying! I believe everyone comes into you life for a reason. My friends are all very different people. Some have money and some have little. The ones with little are some of the most
generous people. It’s sad that people end their lives over money. I’ve had lean times and I’m sure I will on the future but I’m prioritizing what is important and trying to not get depressed. It will pass. My neighbor called this morning and asked if I would take her to the Dr’s this afternoon. I told her no and didn’t feel any guilt. Her Son came home early and took her. Our relationship consists of me taking her places. I’m nice but don’t want to be taken advantage of. Saying no is getting easier. No gambling thoughts today. Feeling blessed.

[finding_laura]

Checking in for a catch up Liz. I find all sorts of history very interesting and dream of touring Europe someday. But with my issues I’ll maybe have to settle for a country or two and that may be over my remaining life time. Not likely in the near future as I’m currently paying for enough. And not to mention still recovering from surgery. It is late for me and I think I have reached the end of my stamina for today. Night Liz. Hope you have a a beautiful day tomorrow. Laura

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t walk this morning. I didn’t sleep well last night either. I’ve managed to get up and take a shower. Going to the library and then to my Mom’s for lunch. Hopefully I will find a little spark today!

[lizbeth4]

Today turned out ok. The lunch with my Mother was good. I have leftovers for dinner and lunch tomorrow. A simple but delish meal of bean soup and cornbread. I came home and watched a movie, one of my favs, Fried Green tomatoes and had some fresh strawberries and whipped cream. Yum! Little things can mean so much! Tomorrow I will be walking early in the morning and making some calls to 2 creditors asking if they can lower my payment for next month so I can meet my unexpected debts. Just a little juggling. My favorite part of my day was knowing that I’m not gambling to escape and run from my responsibilities. I’m facing them head on!

[lizbeth4]

I’m feeling defeated Today! I’ve called and had 2 loan payments put back on the end of the loans so I can pay the 2 yearly bills! I’m still a little short and left with no food money for next month. ????What to do???? I feel like I go backwards in my finances although I am trying to do my best. I won’t ask family for help. I feel like I’ve been enough of a burden in the past. Honestly, this is bringing up strong gambling thoughts. Maybe I can win some money. Which we all know won’t happen and I will be deeper in the hole. I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude but I feel like falling apart. I feel like I’m in a low place and I’m feeling very lonely. How did I let things get so bad. Why is my gambling aftermath still haunting me?? I’m tired, so tired of it.

[lizbeth4]

After much introspection and praying, I’m happy to say that I haven’t gambled. I think those urges will always be there. I just have to make the choice to not engage. I thought everything through and I think I can make a few more adjustments to my budget to cover the yearly costs and buy food. I tend to go into panic mode when I don’t have enough money but I didn’t flinch when I was dropping tons of money into the slot machines. Go figure! I woke early and watered my growing garden and roses. I’m going to the library and then to visit my Mother. Tomorrow I’m attending a new church. I’m very excited and hopeful. I’m going to enjoy my day. Have a great gamble free weekend everyone!

[lizbeth4]

I didn’t make it to church. I will try again next Sunday. I didn’t sleep well and was feeling a lot of anxiety this morning. My general physicians appointment isn’t till August. I’m feeling a bit better after spending sometime outside, in the garden. I’m beginning to realize that a light antidepressant may help me. I’m open to anything that will lessen the anxiety. I’m staying home today and doing some laundry and watching movies. The walking, Monday-Friday does make me feel better both physically and mentally. That has to be my daily priority. One more phone call tomorrow and if that goes alright, I will be able to make it financially next month. August will be catch up month and from then forward, I will be alright. So many regrets associated with gambling. Nothing I can go back and fix. I can only learn and not make the same mistakes.

[maverick.]

Lizbeth Lizbeth Lizbeth my dear friend, just because you didn’t make it to church doesn’t make you a bad person my friend I can promise you that, I have been to church many times in my life although not for the last 5 or more years (I am 41 now) belive you me my bond with God now is greater than it has ever been but hey that’s a different story……..just wanted to share with you and wish you well, life is like a roller coaster my friend and I have two free tickets so why don’t you join me in the front cart and we can chat and share together, keep smiling Lizbeth and keep the faith I promise you all will be well!

So very happy to know you and very glad our paths crossed in life your effort and determination will not be wasted, speak soon my friend and always wish u well.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Maverick! I do have faith. And I believe you don’t have to go to church to be close to God. I’m on the roller coaster (life) with you. Thank you for the positive words and support. I’m grateful to have friends like you.

[lizbeth4]

I went on my morning walk. I noticed my right knee starts hurting about 3/4 of the way. It feels better once I’m done. Probably arthritis!!! I rub a little bit of muscle cream on it, much better. I will work through it. Nothing is nearing fruit yet, but my garden plants are getting big and starting to flower. Maybe the m middle of July, I will have some fresh vegetables. It’s fun to watch everything grow and have the end product to enjoy. I’ve made my call this morning I will be able to juggle things so I can financially make I can make it next month. Yeah!! Then I can get back on track. My neighbor across the street is upset with me. She calls me and wants me to drop everything to take her places. Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I’m available. She’s getting pushy when I tell her no! She got along just fine before we started talking. Her Son is still there and can take care of her. She’s treating me more like her caregiver than her friend. So I’ve decided that I will limit my time with her. Anyways, today at the library a local author is giving a talk on her latest book. I’m going. It should be interesting. Keeping busy and gamble free!

[finding_laura]

It’s great to watch you working through these urges and budgeting/creditor problems. You played the tape to the end. Where you end up with a bigger mess on your hands. Then you looked at your finances again. And you’ve also been working things out with creditors which is never any fun. I think sometimes it’s kind of normal to get anxious when we have to deal with this stuff. And having a pushy bossy neighbour trying to take advantage would likely cause a bit too. It’s like they can smell a nice person a mile away and they figure you’d be too nice to say no. Good for standing your ground Liz! So all and all I think you managed pretty amazing this past week. I hope you are working on a vision board with traveling as one of the main visions! Something you can see will be the reward of all your efforts. Have a good evening. Laura

[kathryn]

Sounds like all this walking is doing you good.! Clears the head, a bit of exercise, fresh air in those lungs!!!
As for your garden, I am jealous!
I would love a vegetable patch. Unfortunately, I am the worlds worst gardener!!! Black thumb Kathryn, that’s what they call me….lol!
I’m happy to read you have made next months financial goals. You know, a lot of people would have folded by now. You are still plugging along. So much to be proud of my friend.
I still have the sick husband. He is currently asleep (which is a good thing because he doesn’t moan!!!)
As a nurse, I am a sympathetic person. As a wife…..not so much!!! I know I sound mean, this has, however been going on for a week and I’m done!!!! So he’s going to the Drs today.
Brea and Tex are coming for a visit today. I didn’t have him last night as she has finished work. She has just over 3 weeks until the new baby comes along. I get anxiety every time I think about it. 2 babies under 13 months!!!!! I had such huge gaps between my children I cannot even fathom this!!!!!
How did you go at the library? Our town doesn’t have one, theres a bus that comes every week. I went once. Not a lot of variety. And its not like you can go and sit in there and have a little read. Nope. It pulls in at 10, and pulls out at 3.
Well, I need a shower, then hopefully get some more posts done today, in between housework of course!!!!
Have a great day,
Love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

Yes, I’m plugging along! I guess I don’t give up I will feel much better when the debts start falling off starting in October. I’ve decided to take that money and deposit it monthly into my savings. My jewerly supplies have taken a back seat for awhile. I just don’t have the funds. I’m loving the library. Ours is very extensive for it being such a small town. I just started gardening 3 years ago. I did a lot of reading, ect..about it. I can’t wait for the fresh veggies. I love walking! I have a pretty good life. A lot to be grateful for. Life is good. Much better without gambling!

[lizbeth4]

I would like to post on others threads but my data is low. 2 more days till more data. My life is going well Just found out today that I have 44 more payments on owed taxes. Fortunately, the last 2 years, I had tax refunds that were put towards my debt. It’s doable and another lesson learned. Just visited the library and checked out music cds, movies and books. It gets warm in the afternoon so I have to hibernate as it’s too hot for yard work, ect. All that gets done in the morning. No lingering gambling urges or thoughts. I think I’vegpt this this time. Not getting complacent or letting my guard down. I’m going to succeed!!

[kathryn]

You are not going to succeed, you ARE succeeding!!!!
Every day you dont gamble is a success!
I feel that sometimes i feel that life isnt exciting anymore, now that i dont gamble. My question to myself when i feel this way is how on earth can sitting in front of a screen, not talking, barely moving, eating, drinking….living, be seen as exciting?
Sure, there was a short (and i mean short) thrill if that machine sang, but that was few and far between.
Its appreciating what i have, and the small ‘wins’ of life that make me happy, and planning whats coming next thats exciting. I dont ever remember feeling happy leaving a venue, because of course id spent everything i had!!!
You will get there, those debts will be paid and i cant wait to toast that day with you. Thats not your life though, just a teeny part. Enjoy your library time, and enjoy the warm weather…..its freezing here this morning!!!!!
Much love,
K xxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Thanks Kathryn. I am succeeding! One day at a time. My life could be considered boring but I had lost the thrill of gambling way before I came here. My days are full of enjoyable weather for the most part, a nice home, yard and garden to tend to. Family and friends I love. So my life is pretty full. This morning I did some gardening and watering and cleaned my car. I’m finishing up some laundry before I head to the library to turn in some items. I’ve found another way to relax, music that incorporates ocean sounds. Of course found at the library. Hav e great gamble free weekend everyone!!!!

[maverick.]

Lizbeth so glad to hear you are doing well and I love reading your posts, sorry was only passing by but just wanted to say hello and wish you well, take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth please forgive my short post, I sent it and thought to myself I spent hours and hours gambling and always made time for that and my conscience told me to be a better man.

Walking is very good for the soul, it’s nice to walk and also observe what’s going on around you sometimes I like to walk at a slow pace and take it all in…….while working I always seem to he at 100mph, it’s amazing what we notice if we slow things down and take the time. Your garden sounds lovley let me know when that veg has grown and I will get myself round their lol.

Music is also good for the soul and I listen to various types often, I wish you well my friend and hope today treats you fair, take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your post Maverick ! I’m very excited as my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter will be here tomorr ow and the next day. The baby is 16 months now. Time flies! I’m feeling good about life in general. I keep trying to improve myself, that’s the hard part. LOL! My Sister called yesterday and we had a long talk. We’ve become a,lot closer and I just love it! I’ve been invited to a July 4th party by the lake across the street from my house. I can see the firework display from the near by park! Should be fun! My Grandson is still in Alaska with his Dad on vacation. I won’t see him till August. He’s going into 6th grade and getting all grown up but not too grow. Up not to like Grandma’s cuddling. I have many things to be grateful for and I don’t take anything for granted. Everything happens for a reason. I believe my gambling addiction showed me what is important in life. I’m a happy, content and grateful person!

[lizbeth4]

I spent 1/2 the day with my Daughter and Granddaughter. Tomorrow, I will have most of the day with them before they return to the city. My Granddaughter has really gotten a lot taller and runs everywhere. My Daughter looks great. She stopped smoking 11 days ago. She had a lot of her dental work done and I can see that she has more confidence. She’s doing So good. The day was great except my Mother took a couple of mean jabs at me. She was in a bad mood so she has to try to attack someone. I ignored her and thought, how sad to behave that way. She made herself look bad. I’m going to the city for 2 days to take care of some business and will stay with my Oldest Daughter and her boyfriend. I’m going to need that time away from my Mother so I can regroup. Tomorrow will be a good day and gamble free!

[kathryn]

Lovely to read of the beautiful time you have had with your daughter and grand daughter. Those babies grow like weeds!!!
All ive every wanted for my children is for them to be happy, however that may be. You must feel so content to see your daughter doing well. I’m happy for her, and you for that matter!!
As for your mother, I don’t know why some people feel good by making others feel bad. That is her issue, and maybe she feels you are an easy target? The flip side is that usually people are like that to the ones they love the most, be it a pretty crappy way to show it!!
Having a break from her will do you good. Do something nice for you! Go have an icecream, in a waffle cone….lol (my fave thing to eat)
Everything does happen for a reason, I am a huge believer in that, sometimes it takes a while for that reason to be seen.
Great to read you are doing so well Lizbeth, I am truly truly happy for you my friend!
Love K xxxxxxxxxx

[lizbeth4]

Happy July 4th everyone. My Daughter and Granddaughter went back to the city last night. We took my Granddaughter for her 15 month check up and immunizations yesterday as her primary DR who delivered her is here. She has meet every milestone and is perfect. She has a personality that doesn’t stop. LOL! She reminds me a lot of my Grandson at that age. I’m so blessed and proud of both of my Daughters. My Mom is who she is. I do have to distance myself sometimes for my own sanity and that’s okay. I’m just happy that gambling isn’t in the picture. My mind is clear and free from the urges so I can enjoy life!

[lizbeth4]

I stayed home and watched the fireworks from my yard. I decided to not go to my neighbors across the street as she got very belligerent with me as I couldn’t take her to a Dr’s appointment when my Granddaughter and Daughter were here. That was my last straw with her. I’ve decided to just stop being her taxi service. She has a son who lives with her and we have a senior van that will pick you up for ppointments and shopping. I don’t mind helping anyone but when it’s expected and then you’re rude, it’s not going to happen. I didn’t feel well today. I slept a lot. My tummy is feeling better. Tomorrow I have my walk, watering and I need to check in on my Mother. Next week I’m painting the house trim on the back of the house. Plans, goals! These never could happen if I was gambling.

[lizbeth4]

I’m in the city as I have a appointment tomorrow. I’m sstaying with my Daughter and her boyfriend. She had to work tonight so her boyfriend made us a good dinner. I talked about my youngest Daughter and Granddaughter and how we should all get together sometime. I was told it wouldn’t happen because she is associating with druggies. They do not know this for a fact and as my oldest Daughter relapsed many times before being sober, I was shocked! Now that answers why my oldest Daughter hasn’t returned her Sisters texts. My youngest has no family support in the city,. She has a few sober friends who help her. My oldest needs to remember where she’s been and how important it was for her recovery. There’s always been a jealousy issue between them. Basically on my oldest Daughters part. I’m so stressed and upset. After my morning appointment I will be going home. My youngest is working tomorrow so no visit with her. URGES, URGES are brewing.

[finding_laura]

Hey Liz, hope the urges settled down. We all have our triggers and sensing any kind of danger for your children or family drama can definitely be a biggie. Deep breaths. Your youngest is doing great. Your oldest’s BF shouldn’t have been bad mouthing her. Sometimes we try and hold on to old friends even though we take different paths. Perhaps that is all that it is with your youngest. I can understand your concern for her as we know that going back to old patterns can be hard on recovery. But I guess all you can really do is offer to be there as their mom. Offer gentle suggestions where you can about recovery. After all you are working on your own! And be very protective of your own recovery. You are the example. Whether we like it or not that is what we are to our children. We can work on breaking the influence our parents had if it was traumatic or dysfunctional but it does take a while as many an addict has found out. I hope you find some less destructive ways to lessen the urges. Walking, meditation ( i even found a free ap that walks you through basic meditation if needed) painting, weeding, all very therapeutic. Part of recovery is being kind to ourselves and knowing we do our best. We are not perfect. I’ll say a prayer for you and your girls that everyone finds the strength needed. Hope you have a good weekend. Happy belated 4th of July.
Laura

[lizbeth4]

Thanks for your support! I was able to get through the urges. I’m home now. I cut off my oldest Daughters boyfriend and told him to have facts and not to assume. He was fine after that. I think everyone is concerned, even me. Hanging out with her ex and the father of my Granddaughter is concerning as he is still using drugs. I think my youngest thinks she can get him to stop because of their child. We all know that he will stop when he wants to. She knows my concerns but hasn’t given me a reason to think she has relapsed. I am proud of her and my oldest for being sober. Its not a easy task. My recovery can’t be placed on the back burner. I can’t become complacent. I have to keep working on my goals and bettering myself.

[kathryn]

Ugh, do we every stop worrying about our children?
I guess the best you can do is make sure it doesn’t affect YOUR recovery. Your girls are working hard too. You should be proud of them!
What an awful weather weekend it has been here! Freezing, raining, windy…..yuck!
I did a few things yesterday and then stayed in my warm house. Today is much the same. Dames and I went and bought 2 safety gates for our stairs this morning. I’m petrified Tex will fall down them (hes an absolute superstar getting up!) So now they are blocked both ends which is a great relief for me! I was using an old canvas with a wooden shelf thing to block the top of the stairs ! When I re did the lounge I got rid of both so that left no choice but to buy the gates. In reality they were not expensive at all, and with another baby almost here I will have peace of mind they will be safe. Funny that I threw thousands in those god awful machines for 15 years without a thought and yet I was procrastinating on those gates. Still in that sick mindset when it comes to money!!!
Well, its done! Yay!!!!
Hope your weekend is sunnier than mine! I miss summer!!!!
Take care, love K xxx

[lizbeth4]

We never stop worrying about our kids! I’m very proud of both of my Daughters. We’ve all come a long way. Baby Gates- I had them up to block access to the kitchen and keep my Granddaughter contained in the living room. Thank goodness for them! You’ll need them for awhile as your Granddaughter will be arriving soon. Very exciting! It’s unseasonably warm here but cools off in the evening. There’s no place like home and sleeping in your own bed. Glad to be home!

[lizbeth4]

Last night I gambled! I traveled to the closest town with a casino. The damage was significant. But I can recover from it! I’m very disappointed with myself. I know why I gambled. No excuses! I’m not actively involved in any GA meetings. Something that i feel would benefit me greatly. I’m checking into some about 1 hour from my house as there are none here. I’ve had the gambling hangover all day! I’m depressed, sad and feeling worthless right now. I did pull myself together and donated school supplies to the school today. Things I had purchased before my relapse. It made me feel a little better. Its raining, long overdue. I’m sitting on the porch, thinking and trying to come to terms with myself. Ugh!!!! Not feeling great!!

[Monica1]

So sorry to hear this but I too have been feeling that old familiar pull so know how it can happen. You were triggered, possibly by family stuff, me with a less than great holiday which has been a massive trigger for me when I was active. Now, where did you find the money to do it, as I know just a week or two ago you were struggling financially? One thing I do know is that finding support has to be continuous and sought out consciously. I am going to GA this weekend. With the gma programme now finished, this site and GA is all there is. It is a daily effort to not give in to those urges when they arise, whic( they do every now and again when we are triggered. What were you saying to yourself when you went to the casino? How did you justify it? I know that I will never have control if I picked it up again. When you say the damage was significant, are you able to purchase food and pay bills etc?

[lizbeth4]

I’ve done it this time! I’m unable to pay some significant bills. I’ll call, make excuses, and struggle for a few months to catch up. My stomach is churning and the truth be told, I wish I wasn’t here. I briefly thought about ending my life. Its such torment to have this addiction. I can’t talk to anyone in my family or my friends. I would be perceived as weak and stupid. I have to be strong, self reliant and help myself. I’m still in a fog and scared. If I have any type of emergency, I’m screwed. Hanging in there!!!

[i-did-it]

Hi Lizbeth
You are in post gambling panic mode .
It is the most horrible feeling .
Lizbeth – what action can you take to stop this happening again? Can you go back right now and self – exclude?

It seems when things are going well you self – sabotage. Do you truly believe you deserve a life free from this and with financial peace of mind ? You absolutely do deserve to be content – life brings enough worries without this .

Perhaps when issue arise with your daughters it would be helpful if you had a therapist / counsellor you could make
An appointment with to talk things through – it would certainly be cheaper than gambling.

I wish I was there – I want to hug you and tell you I understand – I have been there so often – it is horrible . And you deserve so much more !

[lizbeth4]

I don’t think that I value my self worth. Obviously, I don’t think that I deserve a life of financial freedom. Its been a battle trying to find a counselor here that I connect with as there are few. I’m trying to maintain my sanity right now. There are a lot of things I can implement to make it harder to gamble again. I need to follow through. I’m mustering up the energy to get f2f ressef and accomplish some tasks today. I could just stay in bed and sleep. I’m going to pull myself together and do what I can to fix the financial mess. Its day 1 for me.

[lizbeth4]

Typo: Get and and get dressed.

[Monica1]

Me too idi. We have all been there. Me so many many times. You will get through this Liz as you have before. Remember how you feel this time, this thing drives us to feeling suicidal. Living and facing it is the brave and honorable thing to do. Read some of the posts from new members who have hit rock bottom. Liz, I don’t want you to end up losing your home which is what I was close to. You woke it up and now you need to put it back to sleep again. It doesn’t solve anything, it isn’t even fun. Thinking of you, you will come through this patch.

[kathryn]

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off!
Get those barriers up. NOW
The gambling hangover, I remember it like it was yesterday. Revolting! I too used to wonder why I kept doing this to myself. I still don’t know to this day.
I’m a list person.
Write a list of all the things you can do to protect yourself from this happening again and cross them off one at a time.
I agree with IDI….I think some counselling could benefit you. While I understand its difficult to find someone you bond with, like anything, things take time. Maybe attending a GA meeting and asking others if they know of anyone around you could be beneficial. I don’t know if GA still do sponsors, I haven’t attended for many many years, but it could be worth a shot.
You, Lizbeth, are worth a shot my friend!
I know this isn’t the life you want for yourself.
Your feelings of unworthiness are not warranted. You are such a good, kind person. You deserve peace.
I have today off. I am around. I will keep checking in on you throughout the day. I know your internet is limited. If you want to post here I will reply…..all day if you need me to!!!
Don’t lose hope. Its a new day.
Love K xxxx

[lizbeth4]

I know I need to go to GA meetings. The closest one to me is 2 hours plus, round trip. Counselors-there are 2 in town. Neither specialises in addictions. So I don’t feel like I’m being supported. I’m still feeling lousy. I’m going to be hurting financially the next 2 months but I will recover. I don’t want to feel like this again.

[kathryn]

How many hours have you spent over the years gambling Lizbeth?
A 2 hour round trip for your mental health, sanity and financial freedom seems like a trip that’s worth making.
I’m not telling you what to do. There’s 168 hours in a week. Can you spare a few of those to look after you?
You’re worth it my friend.
Love K xxx

[Dunc]

Hi Lizbeth

An expression that’s used in many circles that specialise in addiction is “Gambling is a reaction to Life” the question is what are we reacting to, what did we react to and what may we react to .. actually we a humans all react differently to different things and find out what the trigger or reaction are can make a huge difference and that’s why Counsellors don’t need to be addiction counsellors just good counsellors

[lizbeth4]

Thanks everyone for your advice and support! I hear everything you are saying. Traveling 2 hours or more for meetings and counseling is worth it because I’m worth it! I’m feeling a little better this early morning. I’m figuring out what triggered my relapse. I think I need to do something more to occupy my time. I have some ideas but I need to act upon them. One step at a time. I need to learn to take care of myself as I’ve always taken care of others. I just need to get out of this rut and start implementing new things. I can do this! I feel the support here and it is really helping me!

[lizbeth4]

I have found a few GA meetings. I will have to travel but it is worth it. Its doable if I go once a week. Checking with my health insurance for a list of counselors in the city. I talked to 2 creditors this morning. Both were helpful and set up a plan to help me get back on track. I know that i have to work on my addiction NOW or i will get lost in it and lose everything and hurt a lot of people i love. The time is now!!

[i-did-it]

Go Lizbeth – make all those calls and all those appointments right now while you are feeling motivated .
You deserve the best – you are as important as your daughters, grandchildren , your mother and your sister –
Can you hear what I am saying? They are no more important than you and their lives and happiness are no more important than yours.
You are as important as any other person in the whole country – why wouldn’t you be ?
Take the time to get yourself into a good place with your recovery .
Take the time for Lizbeth – it’s time to really believe that you are worth it and when doubts arise ask yourself why you could possibly be worth less than anyone else .

Onwards and upwards Lizbeth!

[vera]

I know exactly how you feel on Day One, Lizbeth.
HELPLESS!
Mugged, raped, plundered-tearing our hair out.
You ‘n me too, kid!

[lizbeth4]

Thanks i-did-it for your post! I am worthy of a gamble free life and financial freedom! I needed to hear everything that everyone is telling me!!! I need everyone to be frank with me. I’m going to a morning GA meetings next week. I’m going to see if I can coordinate a counseling session once a month around one of my weekly GA meetings. If need be, i will stay with my oldest Daughter and Grandson. I will tell her of my relapse and the help that I will be getting. Vera, I am sad to hear that you have relapsed. Please get help like I’m doing. We can’t keep living like this!!!! I’m thinking of you. I paid bills with my remaining money. I had stocked up on groceries thank goodness. August and September will be very tight months. I can do this!!

[lizbeth4]

I’ve made a counseling appointment. Week after next. I think I’ve been absteining from gambling instead of recovering. I haven’t been attending meetings or getting counseling. That is going to change. I’ve been enjoying the rain as it’s rainy season here. It’s much needed as we have had fire restrictions here. I’m surrounded by forests and it’s quite the weekend camping place,for the city people. I love the winters as we become a ghost town. Very little visitors. Today I’m thankful for family and friends, good health, all of my basic needs met. Today is a good day!