[Berta24449787]

[Berta24449787]

I am going to start my journal again. This time; no excuses. No attempts to fool myself. This time, no gambling. I have a hangover from some online gambling from yesterday and didnt even want to get out of bed this morning. I am in complete despair that I have no self control anymore. I used to. Lots of it. I cant figure out where it went to but think it has something to do with sacrificing so much for so long. I’ve been self supportive since the age of 15 and, with the exception of a brief period where I went back home for a few years to finish high school at 19, have been the only one who has looked after me. My husband left ( kicked him out actually) when my daughter was only 18 months old and I have been supporting the two of us ever since. I have done well and sacrificed everything to make sure she had the same opportunities as kids with two parents. Shes in university and has all the trappings that all kids her age do. What about me? I need to learn to reward myself better. Ways to do it that dont involve me losing everything. I need to start to keep thinking instead of just playing and losing myself in the spinning reels. I need to start again.

[Steev]

I went back to your previous thread to see if I could find what was going on for you and found this in your very first post: “It started as a way to pass time at home without having to think about my life and how sad it was becoming.”

That touched me. I know when I was full-on with my gambling I was single, I was having problems at work, I had no life, no friends, nothing to look forwards to – and because of the gambling I figured it would be very hard to change as I couldn’t even afford a short holiday.

I know you have a daughter whom you are supporting, but I wonder if there is a Berta somewhere saying “what about me?” Who is supporting you? I know that you don’t want friends and family to know and that counselling is difficult because of commitments – but lets be blunt – THIS IS YOUR LIFE that we are talking about.

Ok – worse case scenario – what happens to you if you carry on gambling? Can you picture it? For me, it was realising that I would lose my home – then probably my job – I had visions of sitting in shop doorways begging for coins. I knew I was worth more than that – and whatever the vision is for you – know that you are worth more than that.

So here’s the thing – make your recovery the most important thing in your life right now … it is YOUR future. You can’t be there for your daughter if you are in trouble – so make yourself number one. Talk to someone locally about what is available to you – I think RG recommended a mental health organisation in Canada … Get a supporter – either a professional counsellor or a good friend who is there for you and is supporting you – and put your appointments / meetings with them first (even above your work schedule.)

I think when you do give up gambling for some time – you will need to confront your life and “how sad it’s becoming.” You will need support to do this. The good news is that once you take away the mind shackles of gambling you will be able to work out ways of making your life better and hopefully live the life that you deserve. I wish you well.

[Berta24449787]

It seems like my whole adult life I have been supporting others in one way or another. I gave up my professional designation because my ex was in an accident and one of us had to work full time. I bought a house at a very young age on my own and gave up all the fun of being in my twenties to work and make a place for myself where I was at home. I kicked put my ex in my 30s when he thought he had trapped me in a relationship where he could do whatever he wanted because he got me pregnant. I gave up a lot to raise my daughter alone but in a happy home. I am in my 50s and have no idea of who I am in the grand scheme of things because when I  grew up, I didnt know anyone like me. I am happy to be single. Ecstatic, actually. I dont really need or want others in my life for the most part because if means sacrifice. My life is sad. I’m not sure if it’s sad because I gamble or if I gamble because it’s sad. I just know that something has to change in a big way  but I’m not sure that i have the direction and the energy with everything else that I am going through with my daughter. I go out every day looking a mess and swearing that I will change it someday. Never  seems to be time enough to do it all. I guess it might be time to make time

[Berta24449787]

Had a long talk with my daughter last night about her apprehension to enter the workforce in the future. Shes not ever wanting to go through the torment of my “career” as she has seen me struggle with work/life balance and the lack of appreciation one gets when working on for those who no longer appreciate the individual vs the massive collective. I am ashamed that I have had such a horrible effect on her desire to make her own way in the work world, as it is a very necessary evil to ones own development. Not too sure that this is normal at her age of 20 and told her to seek advice from her therapist about how deeply it saddens her to get out there and try. It has reassured me, however, that I have to be here, in mind and body, and able to support her emotionally and financially in the meantime and I guess it has come at a good time on my recovery since nothing will spur me on more than family in need. I woke more hopeful and energetic today and am going to try to keep the momentum going as I am one of those creatures that likes to ride the wave of good energy for as long as I can. Hope everyone has a bright and hopeful CG free day today.

[Berta24449787]

Had a miserable day at work and feeling down about myself and my ability to get along with others. I am a very strong personality . That’s the kind way to put it, believe me. I am almost always in a good mood, very energetic and playful. In the last few years, since I gave put on weight, I have noticed a certain disapproval of the general way that I am. Like overweight people are not really supposed to be that happy. I have also noticed people questioning my abilities more, as if heavier people somehow dont work as hard. My weight gain is definately not due to lack of energy or lack of physical movement- I walk at least 20000 steps every day. I am in that oh so wonderful point in my life where weight somehow magically finds you. I know that I shouldn’t care about the perception of others and that if they are judging me on my weight then they’re not worth my time, but the whole experience at work with the boss not seeming to like me and her boss also seemingly sharing that opinion makes me want to spin spin spin so that my mind forgets all that stupidity. I want to start over. Something new. I went shopping with my daughter after work and did not come home until later so that the temptation would pass. It was great. Nice sunny day. Got two new pairs of pants and a slice of pizza. I guess a good way to avoid the work depression gambling for me is not to come directly home from it. Go somewhere and fill my heart with new feelings so that when I get home I am not sad and in need of relief. Hope it works

[Berta24449787]

I enjoyed a CG free week so far and am looking at number 4 with hope. I have found the perfect shift at work and wisk that I had it all of the time. 9:30 -6. LOVE IT. I get up early and can putter around the house. I am a morning person and I love to do little bits and pieces in the morning. I get to work a little early, get home quicker because rush hour has passed my work area by then. It’s too late to even think about any gambling. I have time for dinner and some time with family. That’s it. I have to worry about Saturday. Day off. I have made plans to go out shopping early in the day which will take me out of the danger zone for a while and hopefully will mean that I will keep my momentum going. Have a great day

[Berta24449787]

Thanks RG. I’m determined this time in a way that i hadn’t been before . I started to think what would happen to my daughter if I gambled it all away and then I was gone, leaving her nothing. It is a cold shower. I’m not going to leave her without a good platform to launch off of. Life us tougher out there now and we need to set them on an even keel to help them be successful. It’s my job. I will be good this weekend and I hope that all is well for you too . Raining in your neck of the woods?

[Berta24449787]

The worst of my issues reared its ugly head yesterday and I regret to inform you of a minor slip. I had been 8 says gf and was feeling great about it when the beast that lies within – I have an anxiety disorder that seems to be hormone related hit with full force yesterday afternoon. If you suffer from panic attacks you will know the feeling, and the resulting side effects on your body can be incredibly unpleasant. I did try everything I could to let it pass. I went shopping to get plants for my elderly neighbors garden- they are both in a temporary care facility for a month and I thought it would be nice to do their garden up a bit since they both cant bend anymore. I tried to let it pass while shook g buf it only intensified until I had to run home. I did go out and spend a couple of hours in their garden in the afternoon but that didnt help. I had a nagging panic that the troubles at my work that were caused by my boss on the weekend were somehow going to come back at me. It was panic if the worst type and I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I tried the only thing I know that calms it. I felt like I had no choice at the time. My stomach was in knots and I was fighting the worst feelings that I experience- that feeling of impending doom. It comes out of nowhere and can be triggered by the smallest of things. It can last days or hours. All I know is that the resulting physical reaction to the panic became so bad a few years back that I developed food sensitivities that became anaphylactic and had to carry an epi pen for a year. My stress is very real to me and I thought that I had dealt with it. My ga is a result of trying to cope with my stress in other ways so that I could calm my body down and the food sensitivities would subside. I would gamble to ease my mind and change my thought processes. It just became another issue for me to deal with.
This morning I wake with the anxiety and the knowledge that I failed again. I’m not sure what the day will hold for me but I am pretty sure that I need to start looking for ways of changing the dynamics of work in my life. I took this demotion with the hopes that life would be become more balanced, but it has not. My schedule is all over the place as are my start times. My narcissistic ass of a boss is dragging us all down with her and I am tired of it. I will need to reassess what my job means to me and perhaps let her take the big fall on her own. No more propping her up her the sake of us all. Time to let the crap hit the floor.

[Berta24449787]

So busy that I have had little time to post. Keeping gf is easy when you are this busy

[Meghna83]

Well done Berta

how many days is it for you now…

[Berta24449787]

Thanks for the support  Meghna but NOT so well done indeed. I was 8 days and then had an anxiety ridden day and list my sanity for but a few hours. I corrected as quickly as I could, but when it hits me(the anxiety attacks, not the gambling) I am a total mess. Its all I can think about and my intestines churn. I have gastrointestinal disorders as well when the anxiety hits, which makes it even more physical and harder to ignore. I hate to say that, after an hour or so of gambling the anxiety had subsided ( then it was replaced with self loathing for giving in). I have been to doctors regarding the anxiety and it seems to be part of a hormonal cycle that hits once a month. It was pretty bad but not always so intense as this one. It’s no excuse, but my work has always been a nasty source of stress and anxiety and I still havent figured out how to deal with the lowest lows  when they hit. I’m happy to note that I am back on track and hoping that I will have at least one more month before I have to face it again. I am going to try extra hard the next week to hit 14 days with little effort. I did 8 and it was so nice. I have plans for my day off already so that I will not be at home for most of the day. On the up side, my boss, who caused all of the stress this past weekend by enjoying a paid mini vacation that was unplanned, is going to dealt with by the big boss ( I have way too many bosses) and I am looking forward to that. Justice will be strong and swift.

Hope you are doing well and that you can find strength wherever you can.

[Meghna83]

Hi Berta,

you are contending with a lot and I imagine you are an incredibly strong person to be able to tackle and find solutions to your health problem.

the fact that you fall off the waggon and get back on with GF days is commendable 

about your boss. I understand your struggle. I had a boss who served me with a letter of warning when I was heavily pregnant. She gave it to me before the holidays with a smile, knowing full well that that letter would lead to stress and tears on my part. As she had predicted, I did have many tears and sleepless nights over it fearing I would not get through the year ( I was new there) 

she had made up some lies on the letter regarding my not notifying the workplace of maternity appointments in good time. I contested that with the help of my union and she had to eventually retract parts of the letter she’d written.

Though I still had the horrible memories of the stress and unfairness of being dragged through the mud at work (horrible meetings and negative questions and comments to put me down) my work was never under question, it was all about my maternity appointments and my sickness affecting my puntuality. 

luckily for me, I discovered a few days ago that she has gone!!!! Just left out of the blue.

So now I am going back to work without the cloud that once followed me around. I was apprehensive about the treatment I’d received from her (she had ways of getting back at people she disliked) her not being there means that other senior members of staff Can put it past them and start afresh with me post maternity time out.

[Berta24449787]

I began therapy a few years back when I first acknowledged that I had a gambling issue and the first thing that we addressed was my work stress. I was an employee of many years of managerial seniority when a turn in the dynamics of my workplace made the job a survivalist nightmare and I just couldn’t handle the politics and backstabbing. It took years for me to step down( I had always hoped that it would change again) but I finally released myself and hoped that the problems that were caused by the stress would ease. I now work for someone who has little experience and was a convenient replacement and she knows that I know she is not cutting it. She is a narcissist who lashes out quickly and tries to blame a lot on me- which others see through quickly. This only serves to anger her more and I get the brunt of it. I am quick to stand up for myself and it’s not that I feel in jeapordy, it’s that I take an immense amount of pride in my job and it hurts to be unappreciated. I am working through it and hope to be able to pull up her smirking face in my mind every time I think of gambling from now on. Hope you are feeling empowered today.

[Berta24449787]

Hey everyone. Sorry no posts but just back from vacation and had no internet for two weeks. Spontaneous leave due to some scheduling conflicts at work so now I am back. I hope everyone is well and am hoping to read through all your posts in the next couple of days

[Author]

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