5 March 2019 at 11:02 pm #6637DileaParticipant
My hands are shaking as I am writing this. I have been incredibly naive and trusted the man I l love when he said he was sorry and didnt want to lose me because of the gambling.
I am not a stupid woman, and I admit that I’ve been seeing, but ignoring the signs for the last year. I would hope he saw my hurt and he did, every time. He promised with tears in his eyes, saying he couldn’t lose me.
We are now 2 months away from our wedding and I just found bunches of charges to online gaming sites. I am numb. I am sitting here hoping i wake up from this nightmare.
I have tried everything. I’ve been supportive and understanding but I dont have anything left. I know that it is on him, that he has to fix himself. I just dont know how to move on. I dont know how to understand any of this or how to get any self worth back.
I’m not sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I am truly alone. I have my job, but that is it.
I am just hoping someone can give me a glimpse or some hope for a little light at the end of this complicated neverending tunnel.6 March 2019 at 9:07 am #6638duncParticipant
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
The Gambling Therapy Team6 March 2019 at 12:05 pm #6639velvetModerator
Have you decided not to get married, at this moment in time, or are you still wavering?
I know what it is like to think you have tried everything but I suggest to you that you have just tried something different by writing here and I hope it is going to be the difference that gives you the glimpse of hope and a little light, for you, for your future.
The man you love can control his gambling, it takes dedication, determination and courage but I wouldn’t be here writing to you if I didn’t know he could do it. I cannot tell you what to do Dilea because important decisions about ‘your’ life must be yours but fixing himself does take time and there is no way he will, or could, be fixed in 8 weeks.
The man you love didn’t ask for or want to be, a compulsive gambler but sadly if it is so then it is important that you protect yourself. It isn’t stupidity that makes people blind to the signs of a gambling addition, it is an understandable unawareness because the addiction is secretive and is very often hard to detect. You are no longer unaware and therefore you can look after yourself and make decision that are right for you and probably right for him.
The tunnel may be long Dilea but thankfully you do not own an addiction and therefore you can move on and live your life free from it.
I will leave this reply here and wait to hear from you again as to whether you want to continue supporting the man in your life until he accepts his addiction, seeks treatment and determines to live gamble-free – or you decide on a different outcome for yourself. I will be pleased to walk with you through this difficult and lonely time regardless of your decision, I will understand completely whatever you decide to do.
Velvet9 March 2019 at 9:26 am #6640DileaParticipant
Thank you so much for giving me some ray of hope!
I did make a decision. I have told him how I feel about starting our marriage under these circumstances, and I told him it was definitely too soon. If/when we do decide to get married, it has to be with 100% trust, which I dont have with him right now. I also told him I thought it would be a good idea that we both see a therapist. He agreed, but I’m apprehensive as he has said this before with no effort at all.
It seems the only thing he responds to at all is if he thinks I’m done with him.
I do understand addiction, and have been through making the decision and stopping the unhealthy, life and family losing habit. It wasnt easy for me, but I had to do it by myself. I know if he is just honest with me and hiself, and really wants to quit, I can help him but its ha str d to grasp at times.
I do appreciate the insights about how a cg feels and any other comments or ideas are welcome. It’s in my nature, I cant give up that easily!
Dilea9 March 2019 at 9:46 am #6641SteevParticipant
As a compulsive gambler in recovery, (I have not gambled for several years) once I made the decision to stop, I tried to be as “compulsive” in getting better as I was when “sick.” So I went to GA every evening I could, I worked all hours to pay off debt and to remove time to and thoughts of gambling.
I was able to do this because I was alone. I was looking after myself to be a better catch for someone and it is with pride that I can say I didn’t gamble when with my second wife – not once.
I would also say that having someone to share the journey with would have been SO nice. I learnt so much about myself through counselling and self help groups, but I also saw couples learning about their relationship in the same way.
If he is serious about recovery and you feel you can, talk to him about joining him on his journey – it could make your relationship really strong and you will (some years down the line) know what to do. If he is not investing in his own recovery or is unwilling to involve you – well you may have to make a different choice. I wish you well.21 March 2019 at 10:58 pm #6642SickinSan DiegoParticipant
Sorry to be a downer, but if I were you, I would call it quits, or at the very least, give him a couple years to prove himself. I know it is probably painful to hear, but there are many more fish in the ocean, and from my own experience, people rarely change until they are forced to, and as long as they don’t lose everything, they will always have a ray of hope that they can control themselves. Some are just born with bad impulse control, and just can’t help themselves. If you are a good self-controlled person, you deserve a good self-controlled partner.
I wish people around me were this frank with me when I decided to get married to my wife. There were warning signs from the beginning that I ignored, and now I sorely regret my decision to get married, and some friends even knew of her activities, but didn’t warn me, because they didn’t want to break up our future relationship. I didn’t even know there was a gambling problem until years later. She was that good at hiding it.
Anyway, if after reading this you still want to marry this guy, good luck to you.2 April 2019 at 2:23 am #6643Momof2kidsParticipant
I was in the same boat as you. Now 19 years together and married for 12 he made all the promises your future husband is making. Really think about it. He promised it would stop when we had kids…they are here and one is almost 9 years old. It still has not stopped.
I don’t want to tell you what to do or be negative but think long and hard. It is an addiction like any other. Without help it doesn’t change or just go away. The secrets you keep from others and your kids and family to make everything seem ok are not worth it.2 April 2019 at 4:27 pm #6644velvetModerator
It would be great to get an update from you.
Don’t be apprehensive about him seeing a therapist – if he does he does and if he doesn’t it is just another promise by him that has no substance and can be put into your catalogue of broken promises.
Sadly such lists can confirm that no effort is being made and then you can make the right decision for you, knowing that you have done your best. Thankfully there can also be lists where promises are kept but until then I think you are wise to tread very carefully.
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