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    • #3529

      Hi everyone,

      After hiding my husbands cg habits for 3 years from everyone I decided to let the family know what is going on. We planned a intervention meeting, and forced him to confront what is going on and what his actions are doing to our family.

      I love this man, but I am struggling so much.

      In the past 3 yrs I cried, screamed, shouted, talked but nothing…. All I got was I don’t have a problem I can handle this.

      Now after he blew 700 pounds in one go which i found out accidentally I shocked, and decided its time I either tell or leave.

      He pleaded and begged me to stay, and we had a intervention meeting with everyone in the family. We set up some rules he has to adhere to he’s been doing very well and being honest.

      But It’s been a few days, and I can already see he doesn’t like the restrictions that are posed on him. I’ve taken away all bank cards, id’s everything. I’ve blocked the internet, and he is in the process of getting a cg councillor. However I am finding this hard, I have to watch him like a hawk, it’s exhausting and makes me feel bad for him too.

      I am only here for the sake of our 2 little ones. I have out up with this for so long, although he is now being co operative and gave me all passwords, PIN numbers etc. I am now having to monitor him.

      I have asked for his wages to be transferred into my account, but he isn’t happy about that.

      It’s only been a few days and he is already saying he wants to stay up late and watch movies on the internet as he isn’t tired by the time I am ready for bed. Claiming he is able to handle things now. We had a argument last night about it as I refused and had to remind him we made a deal we would go to bed at the same time.

      I feel like he is a third child, I came into this relationship looking for a equal. Someone to support me but I feel I am doing all the support. How is he able to forgot that only a few days ago he was pleading with me not to leave him.

      I also worry I am so young, will I spend the rest of my life dealing with this. I am in my late twenties, I had so many dreams and goals, I left my degree when I found out what he was doing in order to ensure he won’t get us into debt. He’s spent so much money, why do they do this.

      My love for him is slowly turning into resentment.

      I hope some of you who have partners that are cgms could advice me.

      How do I support him, be firm and fair, and also deal with my own feelings.

    • #3530



      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
      situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

      We look forward to hearing all about you!

      Take care

      The Gambling Therapy Team

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      privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #3531

      Hello Hope and welcome to GT!
      I am not a CG “partner”.
      I am a Compulsive Gambler, so I can only speak from that perspective.
      Firstly I want to congratulate you for having the courage to uncover your CG’s secret and seek intervention. That was a huge step! Having family on board will be a great support for you.
      It is also a good move to take control of finances , computer access, passwords and PINs, BUT
      and this is a very big but
      Unless your CG WANTS to stop gambling everything you do is waste of time as far as he is concerned. In fact trying to stop a CG gambling before he is ready, is like tying up a lion in a plastic bag and hoping he won’t escape!
      My “advice” to you , for what it is worth, is PROTECT YOURSELF,your children and your home. Control the things that are within your power and let the rest go. And that includes your CG.
      You cannot take one step to stop him gambling.
      The more you try , the more he will resent your “interference”. You will be blamed/punished and resented and I can tell you from experience a CG will get money to gamble no matter what lengths he was to go to.
      Keep posting here. Join the F and F chats. Keep your money well hidden. Tell your CG what you are doing and why and then………Let him go and stop trying to control him! He needs to control himself!

    • #3532

      Hi Vera, thank you for the tips

      I get what you mean, I feel like I am controlling him, but that it would be the only way to stop him from gambling .

      But then in the same breath I realise that I made a promise that if he gambles again I would leave him.

      Now thinking about it all I wonder, if he can’t remember the rules, and is insisting on going onto the computer alone, and I’m having to remind him to make appointment with the cg councillor who wants this to work more me or him?

      I am worried that I will have to leave, if he slips up as this is want I said I will do.

      I made this promise because I don’t want to live a life of worry, constant financial fears, and in all honesty having a one sided relationship where all the worry, stress goes into him.

      I feel lonely in my marriage, but the kids adore him and he is a great father. But he’s the worst enemy to himself and cannot see that gambling is ruining him.

      Your right, if he wants this he has to do it himself.

    • #3533

      I always say there is only one thing worse than being a CG and that is having to live with one!
      For now, I would say do nothing. Issuing ultimatums leaves us in a weak position Tell him you are not against him. Tell him you want him to stay and that the kids love him too. Support and help is available IF he wants it. Try to get him to read this site and maybe join in. There is no shame in being a CG There is a lot of help available. Don’t tolerate any BS !!!
      As I said concentrate on yourself but don’t shut him out. I can tell you he is going through hell right now. Withdrawal from gambling is as bad as withdrawal from drugs. He will be restless, agitated and irritable. Frantic for a bet!
      NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Remember that!!!
      Support him but don’t enable him.
      He needs to man up and take responsibility for his own actions . Keep the lines of communication open but be prudent.
      Would he go to a GA meeting? It will be a good chance for him to talk to other CGs who totally understand where is is at right now.
      You will get lots of help here from F and F. join in the chat groups and keep posting!
      I’m only speaking from the side of a CG!
      There are many aspects and solutions to this problem Give it time!

    • #3534

      Hi Hope
      Well done joining this forum – I know it isn’t easy to pour everything out but you have made an excellent start and as you can already see there is judgement free support available.
      Hope, I cannot tell you what to do because it is ‘your’ life but I can give you knowledge of your husband’s addiction so that you can make informed decisions. As Vera has indicated, it would be good to meet you in the F&F only group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 UK time. In the group we can communicate in real time knowing that nothing that is said appears on this forum.
      What has gone before cannot be changed but from now on it would be better if you didn’t threaten your husband with ultimatums that you might not be able to keep. The CG is the master of threats and when we back down on an ultimatum the addiction sees a weakness and seeks to use it.
      Many CGs welcome help with their finances when they determine to live gamble-free but there is a difference between asking for support and having it thrust upon them.
      Your husband’s addiction will probably be bouncing off the walls by now – he is blaming you because you are the nearest one to him, the person he thinks will give in to him and the person his addiction is telling him is the one denying him his so-called ‘pleasure’. As you have found, shouting, screaming, crying, pleading, tearing your hair out is useless against the addiction, it only wears you out – It is time to find another way to cope.
      It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
      Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
      Your husband is controlled by his addiction but you are not – even though it feels like it sometimes. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning – you might as well be speaking through water..
      My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back angrily because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
      I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier to not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
      This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
      You are indeed young and it is unfair that this addiction has entered your life – however your husband did not want or ask for his addiction any more than you did. Having said that, you do need to protect your finances because you have young children to care for and your husband’s addiction does not want him to take responsibility, it is best therefore to put money in an account to which he has no access.
      It is very lonely living with a CG and equally it is very lonely owning the addiction. Is your husband accepting that he has the addiction to gamble or is he still saying he knows what he is doing? If he does accept he has a serious problem then please encourage him to seek support from those who understand him as you and I cannot. In GA or in ‘My Forum’ on this site he will find other CGs who want to change their lives and who will support him, our helpline is excellent as are our CG groups.
      I don’t imagine anybody living with this addiction has not felt their love turn to resentment – It certainly happened to me but I can tell you that I would not be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result.
      I hope you will feel less lonely now that you are in a forum where ‘you’ are understood.
      Speak soon and ask anything you want to know – you will always be heard.

    • #3535

      Thank you guys so much, I really feel supported already…

      I’ll definately come on the f and f chat group on Tuesday, I think it would be a great idea.

      For now I’ve given him space, he comes to bed himself at the agreed time. I also haven’t mentioned the appointment for the cg councillor. I decided he will let me know what is going on, he has a week to get back to the councillor so I’ll just wait it out and won’t mention it. He’s very distant, and I’ve decided to give him his space. I’ve also taken control of the finances, and realise finally this isn’t my battle. All I can do is support not enable.

    • #3536

      Hi Hope. its 0953… I believe your stuck in a helpline room on your own… can you please close any windows down and re loggin…. then I should be able to take you

    • #3537

      I was the partner of a CG for coming up to 7 years so I may have an idea of what you may be going through right now. This forum has been my saving grace for many years and without it I do not believe I would have the fantastic life I have today. So what ever happens please stick with it.

      I’m glad you are beginning to see that it is his problem to be accountable and responsible for his own actions and not yours. I think you’ve read in Veras reply to you regarding the very big but in the middle of all of this, being he has to have the desire to change and not one that is just said when the proverbial hits the fan to stop you taking any form of action, or at least action that counts.

      If a CG wants to gamble then they will, no amount of putting him to bed early like a naughty child is going to change that. My ex once said to me, it takes 2 minutes to place a bet and the other 23 hours and 58 minutes are taken up with planning the next one, planning the next lie or excuse, scheming and plotting ( that was in one of his more honest moments !)

      The fact that he needs to do this is leading to you having to try and keep up, stay ahead of the game etc and although you may end up with a set of private detective skills which are second to none, it will not help it will burn you out as I think you are starting to discover. As has been said before the only way to win is not to play. The lies just get bigger along with the increase in distrust and resentment.

      If you have protected your finances consider changing the one person you can change and which you can control and that is you. You may want to say why should I change its not me with the addiction its him and you’d be right but addiction is not called a family illness for no reason and it has the capacity to bring those that are closest to it down.

      You will hear people say to you about looking after you and it seems almost a trivial thing in the scale of things ( as if you have time !) but take it from me it is the key to your own success. As it stands now, far from you being in control of it and its goings on, it is controlling your life, bringing you down to act in a way that no one in a loving relaitionship should have to do, finishing university because of it etc, controlling the person will not control the addiction, its sometimes helpful to see the person differently to the addiction.

      When was the last time you did something that was just for you without the G word creeping in somewhere down the line, where are you on your own list of priorities, I am guessing somewhere near the bottom. Your happiness is important, more important, your children need a mum who is together and happy. Your happiness cannot depend on the recovery of another you need to recover to.

      Whether you stay or go is a choice only you can make the same as controling his addiction is a choice only he can make. When was the last time you went out and had a laugh with a friend or bought yourself something without considering the impact on your finances because of his gambling ?

      I chose a different life and I am still standing to tell the tale in a new and fantastic relaitionship which only serves to hit the point home that I stayed way to long in something that was destructive to me and my children and also to my ex CG. However I also know of people who have made it work there are many examples on this forum and I would take my hat off to them every time – it can be done.

      I have no regrets, a few unpleasant memories now and again but I believe I am a stronger person and my learning has been incredible I am almost glad I did it !!I can apply it now to so many other different things.

      Protect your finances, look after you and your children and let him choose to fall flat on his face if he so chooses to do so, holding him afloat only prolongs the agony for all of you.

      Above all stick with the forum and keep learning

      Jenny x

    • #3538

      Thank you so much jenny,

      I really appreciate you taking the time to respond like the others who have done the same on my story.

      It’s so comforting to hear others who have gone through a similar path to mine, it makes me feel less alone.

      Your all right about me having to look after myself, I am slowly planning ways in which to improve my life, and be happy within myself. Looking at a short part time course etc…

      I want to be more than I am now, have so many aspirations and dreams, and would love to fulfil them.

      The past few days have been strange, but I am just going with the flow. He’s very quiet, and keeps himself to himself when it’s the two of us, but is in daddy mode when the kids are home.

      Maybe he feels less judged by them, I don’t know. I just have decided to stop nagging, or bringing up the rules and what we agreed your right I can’t put a grown man to bed.

      If he will make another bet then he will do it, nothing I can do is going to stop that.

      I finally said that out loud to myself today, and it was like a instant relief, albeit painful and a harsh reality it is the truth.

      His family are being supportive of me and I feel it’s brought us a lot closer.

      I have now decided to focus on me for a while. Do something that will make me happy. I’ll be booking a massage this weekend leaving him with the kids, and i told myself if he gambles while your gone then that’s his problem and not yours.

      Gambling has taken over my mind, my happiness, my husband, my home, our relationship, bond, everything and I hate it with every part of my soul.

      It’s destructive beyond belief….

      This is the start of this journey for me, I don’t know what will happen but I feel so relieved not to be the only one who knows what he is doing. It was such a huge burden for me, but not anymore..

      Thank you all xx


    • #3539
      Julie Michelle

      I have read and feel like all of these stories are from my own experiences. It would appear that the answer lies within the gambler. The gambler needs to make the choice… It is hard to swallow that I may loose someone I love so dearly… As I don’t believe he has hit his bottom and I think he is “gambling” with our relationship in taking a chance I will stick around and rescue him again.. So very frustrated I am…

    • #3540

      Hi Julie and everyone else

      We are all in the same boat, it really is as if we are fighting a beast.

      We had a huge argument today, and I’m still reeling from it.
      After the intervention he told me in private he had pawned his phone, and used the money to gamble.
      He asked me to help him get it back, I agreed until I have read about being a enabler. I then decided to tell him today that I can’t do it as u haven’t got the money, he went crazy.

      Immediately asked for his bank cards back, and said I am a liar as I promised to help.

      He kept saying I knew you would do this. I am at a all time low, and really can’t deal with this anymore.

      It’s as if what we have means nothing, he agreed not to have a smart phone with internet and no bank cards, and he blatantly told me today that he will get his phone back and quite frankly said you can’t ban me from the net for the rest of my life. I will get my phone and use it as I am a adult.

      I said are you aware your breaking the rules, and he said well I’m a grown man and these rules are ridiculous.

      I reminded him that these are things he agreed to in front of the family during the intervention. He calmly walked away.

      It’s as if there really is two different people the gambler, and then him, he had no care in the world. And I said I’ve had it, I know i said no more ultimatums. But I can’t deal with this anymore, how can anyone live like this. The intimidation, fear of money being spent, the lies ….

      I was in shock when he said he pawned his phone this is so out of character…..

      I’m going to ask him to leave, he has gone out to calm down….

    • #3541

      Hi again, Hope!
      Your CG is desperate for a gamble. You are seeing him in flow blown addiction mode now!
      When the enabling stops, the trouble starts!
      Don’t engage with him verbally! (not easy, I know!)
      Don’t try to control him in any way/
      Don’t help him to get his phone back.
      Don’t listen to him or believe one word he says!
      Words mean nothing to him right now.
      CGs do a lot of “out of character” things! Just let him SUFFER the consequences of his actions.
      Nothing you do or say will make any difference at this stage.
      When he suffers enough , he will change!

    • #3542

      Thank you Vera, I enjoy reading your replies, it’s like your arming me with self defence lol

      He came back from his walk, pleading, begging and for the first time in 3 years I stood my ground

      I said enough is enough I need some space, and need him to go.

      I won’t help him with his phone, I won’t give his bank cards back as he is getting paid tomorrow and I won’t have him spent our money on this stupidness. Although he’s saying he won’t, and just needs enough to get his phone back. I told him no, and he went from shouting to crying and asking me to let him stay.
      I put my foot down and gues what as cruel as it sounds I couldn’t care less. I feel a huge sense of relief that I won’t have to deal with this gambling stuff for a while until I know what I want to do next. I’ll be fine in dealing with the children on my own, they’re both school age. And this would give me some thinking space I’ve just had it, and can’t even remember when I actually enjoyed my relationship with this man, all it has been is his problems, his gambling, money this money that bla bla bla I know I’m rambling but god it feels great to let all this out…

    • #3543

      Keep “getting it out” Hope!
      Online group running presently …try to join in Look under Support Groups and press the green “join” sign.

    • #3544

      It seems the addiction had a good old squark at your expense when it didn’t get its own way, I remember the horrible screeching noise well, so annoying !
      I think you’ve done extremely well to stand your ground and not enable him in the ways that he wanted you to, as we’ve said before if he wants to do it he will but the important thing is that you are not the one to help him, you will have sent an extremely loud message to his addiction – hence the reaction, insults and blame. He is too blind to know that this is the kindest thing you can do for him at the moment.

      Did he stay or did he go in the end ? Which ever it was, you are going to need to be stronger than ever which maybe the last thing you want to be right now. I am guessing that he will have either gone back to agreeing to the rules in order to shut you up, or he is relieved at having been given a first class excuse to go off and gamble, feeling a level of justification somewhere down the line.
      However I suspect there will be a considerable amount of squarking in the pipeline for you to listen to!

      Be strong Hope you have told him where you stand and what you need for you right now and a bit of space seems like a useful idea right now and I for one hope you have taken it even if it is just enough time to let things calm down and you to regain some clarity of thought.

      It does seem when in the thick of it that you are fighting the beast, that’s what it likes and breeds off. Further down the line I think I realised there is no fight to be had, more a question of boundaries, my own boundaries – the line in the sand.

      Its a good question Hope ? When was the last time you were happy in this relaitionship ? Would you let someone treat you in this manner who did not have this addiction? or is it that you sometimes see a glimmer of the person that he could be should he decide to get him self under control ? I know there’s a few questions there but I think you hit the nail on the head about your own happiness, dreams and aspirations and I hope you can keep these at the forefront of your mind in whatever communications you have in the coming days.

      This has to be about you and your children and how you want your lives to be, there is no fight to be had where that is concerned, you already know the answers, they are within you, your inner voice will be talking to you all be it more of a whimper at the moment given your recent experience. Please listen to it as it will be talking a lot of sense.

      I went backwards and forwards so many times it was unreal so if you did decide not to take some space please do not see that as being a weakness, try to stick to what you know you can follow through – out of little acorns grow big oak trees.

      I think many of us have given ultimatums that we have been unable to follow through and often through wanting to believe that this time its going to change. The addiction seems to gain some weird strength from a failed ultimatum seeing it as another risk, another gamble that’s how it felt to me.

      Sometimes I think its better just to make a promise or a pact to yourself rather than issue an ultimatum. Mine was that I would not live with the addiction to gamble again, it would be a very unwelcome visitor in my home and the children’s home and now I know I would have no hesitation in slamming the door in its face and keeping it shut, where as for years it was always a little ajar.

      I wish you strength in the coming days and hope you update soon, everyone here is walking with you in their own way, you are most definately not alone.

      Jenny x

    • #3545

      Jenny thank you, your words gave me encouragement today.

      Last night he went from, begging, pleading, crying to saying fine do what you want to again pleading and begging I stayed silent and went to bed.

      This morning I said I need to go out, and headed straight to the bank, printed out a mini statement and to my shock horror discovered he went gambling on the day we had a intervention. Whether this is before or after the meeting I don’t know.

      He spent another 200 pounds….

      I’m sitting in A coffee shop as I type this, it has dawned upon me that this is a very long and slippery road ahead.

      This isn’t just I can handle this, I’m going to go counselling,
      Everything will go back to normal.

      He kept saying this morning he didn’t break the rules and I misunderstood him, he just wanted to get the phone back as he’s got a contract with it, and it would be a waste.

      And that he hasn’t broken the rules technically, he asked for his bank card back so that he could check the balance.
      I on the other hand remember a different story I had to calmly tell him that I will go to the bank, and that if there was money there I would get it for him the exact amount that the phone was.

      He was saying last night forget it, keep the bank cards, I don’t want the phone, let them take it.

      I’m confused, tired, shocked, I just don’t want to deal with this.

      He begged me this morning again to let him stay, it’s Friday, the weekend he wants to take the kids out and spend time with them. He kept telling me don’t leave me, what about the kids, what about our family, the kids love him to death.

      He said if this addiction wasn’t here we would be oke, which is true in a way, BUT the addiction IS HERE.

      The bit that shocked me, was that his bank statement shows he went gambling on the day of the intervention…. I’m sure when confronted he will come up with some excuse or lie to cover it up.

      I just don’t knw what to do at this point…..

    • #3546

      Sometimes I feel like running away, my family live in another city, sometimes just want to get on the train and run away from all this…

      I know I sound like a child but I really do…

      I didn’t sign up for this, I didn’t know it would be like this..

      I didn’t even know it was so severe, he acted like it was something small… What I don’t get is how can you waste your hard earned money like this…..

      In his mind he hasn’t broken any rules and it’s a misunderstanding… He didn’t really want the phone…. But he said to me I will use it I’m an adult you can’t ban me from the internet….. I heard him clearly.. I asked do you realise your breaking the rules… And now he’s saying no you misunderstood me.. BUT I DIDNT, it’s so frustrating ….

      He’s said to me last night that I haven’t given him a fair chance, and is using the kids saying he loves them they love him. Why am I doing this to our family. I can’t believe he can’t see that for the past three years I have kept our family together through all of his bull.

      It’s as if he seems to think he can talk me out of my decision, keeps messaging me telling me when I talk to you, you will change your mind.

      If I let him stay, I know it will only take a few days to a week for something to happen then what? I’ve heard sorry so many times that I don’t even care about this word anymore. It has no meaning to me. This time is different is another one…

      I never thought I would find myself in this situation, we’ve built a life together and here we are dealing with this.

      Wish me luck, any advice and tips are always welcome..

    • #3547

      You are going through it, but you are doing this and doing it well. When I read your last two posts I am sorry to say they seem just oh so familiar. His words stink of manipulation too me, or shall I say his lies do ! I’m sorry if i’m sounding a little blunt or even harsh towards him.

      I can also tell in your posts that your own voice inside your head is talking to you and telling you the truth in all of this. I don’t think anyone really knows why someone would go and waste their money like this, many CGs will tell you that they don’t understand it so how on earth are you supposed to. You could ask this question for years and never find the answer – its not worth burning out your mind trying to work it out.

      Often Hope, gambling addiction is not about the money, it is about the gamble. Money is a tool that the addiction needs in order to gamble, it isn’t the focal point or the goal, much of the time.

      I think anyone who’s never lived with the addiction to gamble would never be able to comprehend the real enormity of it all and its ability to cause such destruction. You didn’t sign up for this and neither would he have done and certainly no one would or should blame you if you ran like hell.

      Don’t be fooled in to thinking he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing in justifying his recent actions, he will know because he will have spent hours thinking about the best thing to say to make him self appear to be quite justified in his actions and you to end up feeling you got something badly wrong! I don’t think you’ve got your thoughts wrong but it is the next few actions that will count I think.

      Sometimes, I remember Velvet saying to me and several others that when we don’t know what to do it is best to do nothing, as difficult as that maybe it works. Plus It is infuriating to people who are waiting for your usual predictable reactions !!

      Action however is what you need to see, depending on what it is that you decide to do, if you cut out all the usual bluster and noise and a bit of screeching, what has he actually done that would lead you to believe he wants to change ?

      Has he picked up the phone, attended a meeting or looked on this site without you telling him he should seek help ? Sorry has little meaning but actions speak a lot louder than words.

      I don’t want to influence you one way or the other really, except to say stick to your guns and don’t move 1mm on anything you have decided upon. Take time out and don’t listen to the crap.

      You don’t need luck hope, you need a clear mind

      Jenny x

    • #3548

      Sorry to hear you are going though such stress and turmoil Hope!
      From the minute I read your first post I felt as a CG, you were being duped! Your CG had NO input into his recovery . He went along with things because he was “cornered”! I don’t say this in judgement. Hope but I do have some insight into the working of a CGs mind. Our thinking becomes seriously flawed. We apply irrational thoughts to rational situations. When we become desperate to gamble we will do ANYTHING to get that release. The more we are thwarted in our effort the more likely we are to explode. It is very difficult to describe. I remember driving through a serious floods to “my” casino one November night about 7 years ago! The water was coming into the car! I was petrified! Every “river” I drove through seemed deeper but I got there . It took me 4 hours to travel a 50min journey. When I arrived the guy who worked there said “How did YOU get her?” There were only 2 other locals at the machines! I lost a fortune that night. They closed early and I had to drive the return journey. I definitely put my life at risk that night. I’m telling you this to highlight the desperation of a CG and this is mild compared to other “dramas” !
      You are getting great support from F and F members. Read it and take it on board.
      I would suggest that you DON’T ” put your CG out!” As Jenny says that will give him a great reason to gamble. Do not listen to his threats, manipulation or indeed promises.
      WORDS MEAN NOTHING at this stage . nly actions.
      Of course he gambled on the day of his “intervention” . That’s how we CGs cope with stress. We gamble! Of course he took cash from the bank. CGs HAVE to have ammunition ready “in case things go belly up”. Of course he is crying/begging and pleading YOU are his only hope now….not hope fpr a happy life, I’m sorry to say, but hope of him securing his next gamble!
      the last straw is using the children as a pawn……YOU will have to draw the line there.
      My suggestion is to sit tight . Let him do as he pleases. Issue no treats or promises. Just act as if all is normal and do not leave under any circumstances.

    • #3549

      Just wondering how the weekend is going for you Hope?

    • #3550

      Hi Julie Michelle
      Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
      Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
      Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
      Hoping to hear from you

    • #3551

      Hi Julie Michelle
      I have put this post twice on Hope’s thread in the hope that you are still reading Julie.
      Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
      Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
      Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
      Hoping to hear from you

    • #3552

      Hi vera,

      It’s been a strange week.

      I did just as you said, I let him stay, and explained that I won’t go by words anylonger.

      I needed to see actions. He spoke to a counsellor on the phone and then came and sat me down. He told me he doesn’t need counselling as he is able to control this. When I first heard this my heart sank. I realised I cnt do anything to help him unless he helps himself.

      He said with faith, and throwing himself into his new job he should get through this.

      He asked me to keep his bankcards, and that we shud focus on our family. And that’s exactly what we have been doing. The past week we were like any other normal household. We enjoyed dinners, walks in the park and a lot of family activities it was lovely.

      But on reflection tonight while he is asleep next to me all I think is when will things go wrong again.

      He also suggested to bring me receipts for everything and has stuck to that this past week. It feels weird Almost as though I’m his mother. I’m monitoring him at his request.

      I’ve let the counselling thing go, and try not to even think about gambling as a whole.

      For now I’ll keep my eyes closed and enjoy the good im in control of all finances and that’s all I feel I can do anything else it’ll have to come from him.

      Thank u vera for all your support and insights into a cg mind your right about so much. He was cornered it was a make or break type of situation and he had to go along with my demands.

      But I stuck to my guns I didn’t get the phone although his brother did, I showed him I won’t budge on that. I also told his brother he’s enabling him, and he in turn said he is keeping the phone until he pays him back when he gets paid next month with his wages.

      And my cg asked me to handle that transaction since I’m his accountant now.

      I don’t know I’m just taking each day as it comes

    • #3553

      Sorry for the slow response, Hope!

      Glad to hear things are improved for you, but keep a watchful eye! CGs are tricky! I went into a “speed wobble” myself last month but I’m back on track now.
      I don’t want to upset what seems to be a very cosy arrangement, Hope but it takes time before a CG can be trusted again. It doesn’t happen overnight even though we can make it appear that all is normal! We are good at playing “double games”.
      Make sure his family and friends are kept up to date on recent arrangements in case he manages to borrow “for Christmas” , for example. That would be difficult to refuse. Also look out for any phone calls or emails from Loan Companies. At this time of year, they throw money at vulnerable people!
      Hopefully this is all in my imagination, but I will quote a CG called “Geordie” who says wisely,
      “Even though the monkey has jumped off your back, it doesn’t mean the circus has left town”!

      Get all your “Santa” gifts early to make sure the children are looked after.
      Then sit back and enjoy the run up to Christmas.
      I would pass on the counselling for now but it would be reasonable to ask him to attend GA or read this Forum at least!

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