Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 25 total)
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  • #3529
    hope2014
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    After hiding my husbands cg habits for 3 years from everyone I decided to let the family know what is going on. We planned a intervention meeting, and forced him to confront what is going on and what his actions are doing to our family.

    I love this man, but I am struggling so much.

    In the past 3 yrs I cried, screamed, shouted, talked but nothing…. All I got was I don’t have a problem I can handle this.

    Now after he blew 700 pounds in one go which i found out accidentally I shocked, and decided its time I either tell or leave.

    He pleaded and begged me to stay, and we had a intervention meeting with everyone in the family. We set up some rules he has to adhere to he’s been doing very well and being honest.

    But It’s been a few days, and I can already see he doesn’t like the restrictions that are posed on him. I’ve taken away all bank cards, id’s everything. I’ve blocked the internet, and he is in the process of getting a cg councillor. However I am finding this hard, I have to watch him like a hawk, it’s exhausting and makes me feel bad for him too.

    I am only here for the sake of our 2 little ones. I have out up with this for so long, although he is now being co operative and gave me all passwords, PIN numbers etc. I am now having to monitor him.

    I have asked for his wages to be transferred into my account, but he isn’t happy about that.

    It’s only been a few days and he is already saying he wants to stay up late and watch movies on the internet as he isn’t tired by the time I am ready for bed. Claiming he is able to handle things now. We had a argument last night about it as I refused and had to remind him we made a deal we would go to bed at the same time.

    I feel like he is a third child, I came into this relationship looking for a equal. Someone to support me but I feel I am doing all the support. How is he able to forgot that only a few days ago he was pleading with me not to leave him.

    I also worry I am so young, will I spend the rest of my life dealing with this. I am in my late twenties, I had so many dreams and goals, I left my degree when I found out what he was doing in order to ensure he won’t get us into debt. He’s spent so much money, why do they do this.

    My love for him is slowly turning into resentment.

    I hope some of you who have partners that are cgms could advice me.

    How do I support him, be firm and fair, and also deal with my own feelings.

    #3530
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3531
    vera
    Participant

    Hello Hope and welcome to GT!
    I am not a CG “partner”.
    I am a Compulsive Gambler, so I can only speak from that perspective.
    Firstly I want to congratulate you for having the courage to uncover your CG’s secret and seek intervention. That was a huge step! Having family on board will be a great support for you.
    It is also a good move to take control of finances , computer access, passwords and PINs, BUT
    and this is a very big but
    Unless your CG WANTS to stop gambling everything you do is waste of time as far as he is concerned. In fact trying to stop a CG gambling before he is ready, is like tying up a lion in a plastic bag and hoping he won’t escape!
    My “advice” to you , for what it is worth, is PROTECT YOURSELF,your children and your home. Control the things that are within your power and let the rest go. And that includes your CG.
    You cannot take one step to stop him gambling.
    The more you try , the more he will resent your “interference”. You will be blamed/punished and resented and I can tell you from experience a CG will get money to gamble no matter what lengths he was to go to.
    Keep posting here. Join the F and F chats. Keep your money well hidden. Tell your CG what you are doing and why and then………Let him go and stop trying to control him! He needs to control himself!

    #3532
    hope2014
    Participant

    Hi Vera, thank you for the tips

    I get what you mean, I feel like I am controlling him, but that it would be the only way to stop him from gambling .

    But then in the same breath I realise that I made a promise that if he gambles again I would leave him.

    Now thinking about it all I wonder, if he can’t remember the rules, and is insisting on going onto the computer alone, and I’m having to remind him to make appointment with the cg councillor who wants this to work more me or him?

    I am worried that I will have to leave, if he slips up as this is want I said I will do.

    I made this promise because I don’t want to live a life of worry, constant financial fears, and in all honesty having a one sided relationship where all the worry, stress goes into him.

    I feel lonely in my marriage, but the kids adore him and he is a great father. But he’s the worst enemy to himself and cannot see that gambling is ruining him.

    Your right, if he wants this he has to do it himself.

    #3533
    vera
    Participant

    Hope.
    I always say there is only one thing worse than being a CG and that is having to live with one!
    For now, I would say do nothing. Issuing ultimatums leaves us in a weak position Tell him you are not against him. Tell him you want him to stay and that the kids love him too. Support and help is available IF he wants it. Try to get him to read this site and maybe join in. There is no shame in being a CG There is a lot of help available. Don’t tolerate any BS !!!
    As I said concentrate on yourself but don’t shut him out. I can tell you he is going through hell right now. Withdrawal from gambling is as bad as withdrawal from drugs. He will be restless, agitated and irritable. Frantic for a bet!
    NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Remember that!!!
    Support him but don’t enable him.
    He needs to man up and take responsibility for his own actions . Keep the lines of communication open but be prudent.
    Would he go to a GA meeting? It will be a good chance for him to talk to other CGs who totally understand where is is at right now.
    You will get lots of help here from F and F. join in the chat groups and keep posting!
    I’m only speaking from the side of a CG!
    There are many aspects and solutions to this problem Give it time!

    #3534
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Hope
    Well done joining this forum – I know it isn’t easy to pour everything out but you have made an excellent start and as you can already see there is judgement free support available.
    Hope, I cannot tell you what to do because it is ‘your’ life but I can give you knowledge of your husband’s addiction so that you can make informed decisions. As Vera has indicated, it would be good to meet you in the F&F only group on Tuesdays between 20.00-21.00 UK time. In the group we can communicate in real time knowing that nothing that is said appears on this forum.
    What has gone before cannot be changed but from now on it would be better if you didn’t threaten your husband with ultimatums that you might not be able to keep. The CG is the master of threats and when we back down on an ultimatum the addiction sees a weakness and seeks to use it.
    Many CGs welcome help with their finances when they determine to live gamble-free but there is a difference between asking for support and having it thrust upon them.
    Your husband’s addiction will probably be bouncing off the walls by now – he is blaming you because you are the nearest one to him, the person he thinks will give in to him and the person his addiction is telling him is the one denying him his so-called ‘pleasure’. As you have found, shouting, screaming, crying, pleading, tearing your hair out is useless against the addiction, it only wears you out – It is time to find another way to cope.
    It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
    Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
    Your husband is controlled by his addiction but you are not – even though it feels like it sometimes. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning – you might as well be speaking through water..
    My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back angrily because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
    I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier to not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
    This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you. By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
    You are indeed young and it is unfair that this addiction has entered your life – however your husband did not want or ask for his addiction any more than you did. Having said that, you do need to protect your finances because you have young children to care for and your husband’s addiction does not want him to take responsibility, it is best therefore to put money in an account to which he has no access.
    It is very lonely living with a CG and equally it is very lonely owning the addiction. Is your husband accepting that he has the addiction to gamble or is he still saying he knows what he is doing? If he does accept he has a serious problem then please encourage him to seek support from those who understand him as you and I cannot. In GA or in ‘My Forum’ on this site he will find other CGs who want to change their lives and who will support him, our helpline is excellent as are our CG groups.
    I don’t imagine anybody living with this addiction has not felt their love turn to resentment – It certainly happened to me but I can tell you that I would not be writing here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result.
    I hope you will feel less lonely now that you are in a forum where ‘you’ are understood.
    Speak soon and ask anything you want to know – you will always be heard.
    Velvet

    #3535
    hope2014
    Participant

    Thank you guys so much, I really feel supported already…

    I’ll definately come on the f and f chat group on Tuesday, I think it would be a great idea.

    For now I’ve given him space, he comes to bed himself at the agreed time. I also haven’t mentioned the appointment for the cg councillor. I decided he will let me know what is going on, he has a week to get back to the councillor so I’ll just wait it out and won’t mention it. He’s very distant, and I’ve decided to give him his space. I’ve also taken control of the finances, and realise finally this isn’t my battle. All I can do is support not enable.

    #3536
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hi Hope. its 0953… I believe your stuck in a helpline room on your own… can you please close any windows down and re loggin…. then I should be able to take you

    #3537
    jenny46
    Participant

    I was the partner of a CG for coming up to 7 years so I may have an idea of what you may be going through right now. This forum has been my saving grace for many years and without it I do not believe I would have the fantastic life I have today. So what ever happens please stick with it.

    I’m glad you are beginning to see that it is his problem to be accountable and responsible for his own actions and not yours. I think you’ve read in Veras reply to you regarding the very big but in the middle of all of this, being he has to have the desire to change and not one that is just said when the proverbial hits the fan to stop you taking any form of action, or at least action that counts.

    If a CG wants to gamble then they will, no amount of putting him to bed early like a naughty child is going to change that. My ex once said to me, it takes 2 minutes to place a bet and the other 23 hours and 58 minutes are taken up with planning the next one, planning the next lie or excuse, scheming and plotting ( that was in one of his more honest moments !)

    The fact that he needs to do this is leading to you having to try and keep up, stay ahead of the game etc and although you may end up with a set of private detective skills which are second to none, it will not help it will burn you out as I think you are starting to discover. As has been said before the only way to win is not to play. The lies just get bigger along with the increase in distrust and resentment.

    If you have protected your finances consider changing the one person you can change and which you can control and that is you. You may want to say why should I change its not me with the addiction its him and you’d be right but addiction is not called a family illness for no reason and it has the capacity to bring those that are closest to it down.

    You will hear people say to you about looking after you and it seems almost a trivial thing in the scale of things ( as if you have time !) but take it from me it is the key to your own success. As it stands now, far from you being in control of it and its goings on, it is controlling your life, bringing you down to act in a way that no one in a loving relaitionship should have to do, finishing university because of it etc, controlling the person will not control the addiction, its sometimes helpful to see the person differently to the addiction.

    When was the last time you did something that was just for you without the G word creeping in somewhere down the line, where are you on your own list of priorities, I am guessing somewhere near the bottom. Your happiness is important, more important, your children need a mum who is together and happy. Your happiness cannot depend on the recovery of another you need to recover to.

    Whether you stay or go is a choice only you can make the same as controling his addiction is a choice only he can make. When was the last time you went out and had a laugh with a friend or bought yourself something without considering the impact on your finances because of his gambling ?

    I chose a different life and I am still standing to tell the tale in a new and fantastic relaitionship which only serves to hit the point home that I stayed way to long in something that was destructive to me and my children and also to my ex CG. However I also know of people who have made it work there are many examples on this forum and I would take my hat off to them every time – it can be done.

    I have no regrets, a few unpleasant memories now and again but I believe I am a stronger person and my learning has been incredible I am almost glad I did it !!I can apply it now to so many other different things.

    Protect your finances, look after you and your children and let him choose to fall flat on his face if he so chooses to do so, holding him afloat only prolongs the agony for all of you.

    Above all stick with the forum and keep learning

    Jenny x

    #3538
    hope2014
    Participant

    Thank you so much jenny,

    I really appreciate you taking the time to respond like the others who have done the same on my story.

    It’s so comforting to hear others who have gone through a similar path to mine, it makes me feel less alone.

    Your all right about me having to look after myself, I am slowly planning ways in which to improve my life, and be happy within myself. Looking at a short part time course etc…

    I want to be more than I am now, have so many aspirations and dreams, and would love to fulfil them.

    The past few days have been strange, but I am just going with the flow. He’s very quiet, and keeps himself to himself when it’s the two of us, but is in daddy mode when the kids are home.

    Maybe he feels less judged by them, I don’t know. I just have decided to stop nagging, or bringing up the rules and what we agreed your right I can’t put a grown man to bed.

    If he will make another bet then he will do it, nothing I can do is going to stop that.

    I finally said that out loud to myself today, and it was like a instant relief, albeit painful and a harsh reality it is the truth.

    His family are being supportive of me and I feel it’s brought us a lot closer.

    I have now decided to focus on me for a while. Do something that will make me happy. I’ll be booking a massage this weekend leaving him with the kids, and i told myself if he gambles while your gone then that’s his problem and not yours.

    Gambling has taken over my mind, my happiness, my husband, my home, our relationship, bond, everything and I hate it with every part of my soul.

    It’s destructive beyond belief….

    This is the start of this journey for me, I don’t know what will happen but I feel so relieved not to be the only one who knows what he is doing. It was such a huge burden for me, but not anymore..

    Thank you all xx

    Hope

    #3539
    Julie Michelle
    Participant

    Hello,
    I have read and feel like all of these stories are from my own experiences. It would appear that the answer lies within the gambler. The gambler needs to make the choice… It is hard to swallow that I may loose someone I love so dearly… As I don’t believe he has hit his bottom and I think he is “gambling” with our relationship in taking a chance I will stick around and rescue him again.. So very frustrated I am…

    #3540
    hope2014
    Participant

    Hi Julie and everyone else

    We are all in the same boat, it really is as if we are fighting a beast.

    We had a huge argument today, and I’m still reeling from it.
    After the intervention he told me in private he had pawned his phone, and used the money to gamble.
    He asked me to help him get it back, I agreed until I have read about being a enabler. I then decided to tell him today that I can’t do it as u haven’t got the money, he went crazy.

    Immediately asked for his bank cards back, and said I am a liar as I promised to help.

    He kept saying I knew you would do this. I am at a all time low, and really can’t deal with this anymore.

    It’s as if what we have means nothing, he agreed not to have a smart phone with internet and no bank cards, and he blatantly told me today that he will get his phone back and quite frankly said you can’t ban me from the net for the rest of my life. I will get my phone and use it as I am a adult.

    I said are you aware your breaking the rules, and he said well I’m a grown man and these rules are ridiculous.

    I reminded him that these are things he agreed to in front of the family during the intervention. He calmly walked away.

    It’s as if there really is two different people the gambler, and then him, he had no care in the world. And I said I’ve had it, I know i said no more ultimatums. But I can’t deal with this anymore, how can anyone live like this. The intimidation, fear of money being spent, the lies ….

    I was in shock when he said he pawned his phone this is so out of character…..

    I’m going to ask him to leave, he has gone out to calm down….

    #3541
    vera
    Participant

    Hi again, Hope!
    Your CG is desperate for a gamble. You are seeing him in flow blown addiction mode now!
    When the enabling stops, the trouble starts!
    Don’t engage with him verbally! (not easy, I know!)
    Don’t try to control him in any way/
    Don’t help him to get his phone back.
    Don’t listen to him or believe one word he says!
    Words mean nothing to him right now.
    CGs do a lot of “out of character” things! Just let him SUFFER the consequences of his actions.
    Nothing you do or say will make any difference at this stage.
    When he suffers enough , he will change!

    #3542
    hope2014
    Participant

    Thank you Vera, I enjoy reading your replies, it’s like your arming me with self defence lol

    He came back from his walk, pleading, begging and for the first time in 3 years I stood my ground

    I said enough is enough I need some space, and need him to go.

    I won’t help him with his phone, I won’t give his bank cards back as he is getting paid tomorrow and I won’t have him spent our money on this stupidness. Although he’s saying he won’t, and just needs enough to get his phone back. I told him no, and he went from shouting to crying and asking me to let him stay.
    I put my foot down and gues what as cruel as it sounds I couldn’t care less. I feel a huge sense of relief that I won’t have to deal with this gambling stuff for a while until I know what I want to do next. I’ll be fine in dealing with the children on my own, they’re both school age. And this would give me some thinking space I’ve just had it, and can’t even remember when I actually enjoyed my relationship with this man, all it has been is his problems, his gambling, money this money that bla bla bla I know I’m rambling but god it feels great to let all this out…

    #3543
    vera
    Participant

    Keep “getting it out” Hope!
    Online group running presently …try to join in Look under Support Groups and press the green “join” sign.

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