Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)
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  • #3544
    jenny46
    Participant

    It seems the addiction had a good old squark at your expense when it didn’t get its own way, I remember the horrible screeching noise well, so annoying !
    I think you’ve done extremely well to stand your ground and not enable him in the ways that he wanted you to, as we’ve said before if he wants to do it he will but the important thing is that you are not the one to help him, you will have sent an extremely loud message to his addiction – hence the reaction, insults and blame. He is too blind to know that this is the kindest thing you can do for him at the moment.

    Did he stay or did he go in the end ? Which ever it was, you are going to need to be stronger than ever which maybe the last thing you want to be right now. I am guessing that he will have either gone back to agreeing to the rules in order to shut you up, or he is relieved at having been given a first class excuse to go off and gamble, feeling a level of justification somewhere down the line.
    However I suspect there will be a considerable amount of squarking in the pipeline for you to listen to!

    Be strong Hope you have told him where you stand and what you need for you right now and a bit of space seems like a useful idea right now and I for one hope you have taken it even if it is just enough time to let things calm down and you to regain some clarity of thought.

    It does seem when in the thick of it that you are fighting the beast, that’s what it likes and breeds off. Further down the line I think I realised there is no fight to be had, more a question of boundaries, my own boundaries – the line in the sand.

    Its a good question Hope ? When was the last time you were happy in this relaitionship ? Would you let someone treat you in this manner who did not have this addiction? or is it that you sometimes see a glimmer of the person that he could be should he decide to get him self under control ? I know there’s a few questions there but I think you hit the nail on the head about your own happiness, dreams and aspirations and I hope you can keep these at the forefront of your mind in whatever communications you have in the coming days.

    This has to be about you and your children and how you want your lives to be, there is no fight to be had where that is concerned, you already know the answers, they are within you, your inner voice will be talking to you all be it more of a whimper at the moment given your recent experience. Please listen to it as it will be talking a lot of sense.

    I went backwards and forwards so many times it was unreal so if you did decide not to take some space please do not see that as being a weakness, try to stick to what you know you can follow through – out of little acorns grow big oak trees.

    I think many of us have given ultimatums that we have been unable to follow through and often through wanting to believe that this time its going to change. The addiction seems to gain some weird strength from a failed ultimatum seeing it as another risk, another gamble that’s how it felt to me.

    Sometimes I think its better just to make a promise or a pact to yourself rather than issue an ultimatum. Mine was that I would not live with the addiction to gamble again, it would be a very unwelcome visitor in my home and the children’s home and now I know I would have no hesitation in slamming the door in its face and keeping it shut, where as for years it was always a little ajar.

    I wish you strength in the coming days and hope you update soon, everyone here is walking with you in their own way, you are most definately not alone.

    Jenny x

    #3545
    hope2014
    Participant

    Jenny thank you, your words gave me encouragement today.

    Last night he went from, begging, pleading, crying to saying fine do what you want to again pleading and begging I stayed silent and went to bed.

    This morning I said I need to go out, and headed straight to the bank, printed out a mini statement and to my shock horror discovered he went gambling on the day we had a intervention. Whether this is before or after the meeting I don’t know.

    He spent another 200 pounds….

    I’m sitting in A coffee shop as I type this, it has dawned upon me that this is a very long and slippery road ahead.

    This isn’t just I can handle this, I’m going to go counselling,
    Everything will go back to normal.

    He kept saying this morning he didn’t break the rules and I misunderstood him, he just wanted to get the phone back as he’s got a contract with it, and it would be a waste.

    And that he hasn’t broken the rules technically, he asked for his bank card back so that he could check the balance.
    I on the other hand remember a different story I had to calmly tell him that I will go to the bank, and that if there was money there I would get it for him the exact amount that the phone was.

    He was saying last night forget it, keep the bank cards, I don’t want the phone, let them take it.

    I’m confused, tired, shocked, I just don’t want to deal with this.

    He begged me this morning again to let him stay, it’s Friday, the weekend he wants to take the kids out and spend time with them. He kept telling me don’t leave me, what about the kids, what about our family, the kids love him to death.

    He said if this addiction wasn’t here we would be oke, which is true in a way, BUT the addiction IS HERE.

    The bit that shocked me, was that his bank statement shows he went gambling on the day of the intervention…. I’m sure when confronted he will come up with some excuse or lie to cover it up.

    I just don’t knw what to do at this point…..

    #3546
    hope2014
    Participant

    Sometimes I feel like running away, my family live in another city, sometimes just want to get on the train and run away from all this…

    I know I sound like a child but I really do…

    I didn’t sign up for this, I didn’t know it would be like this..

    I didn’t even know it was so severe, he acted like it was something small… What I don’t get is how can you waste your hard earned money like this…..

    In his mind he hasn’t broken any rules and it’s a misunderstanding… He didn’t really want the phone…. But he said to me I will use it I’m an adult you can’t ban me from the internet….. I heard him clearly.. I asked do you realise your breaking the rules… And now he’s saying no you misunderstood me.. BUT I DIDNT, it’s so frustrating ….

    He’s said to me last night that I haven’t given him a fair chance, and is using the kids saying he loves them they love him. Why am I doing this to our family. I can’t believe he can’t see that for the past three years I have kept our family together through all of his bull.

    It’s as if he seems to think he can talk me out of my decision, keeps messaging me telling me when I talk to you, you will change your mind.

    If I let him stay, I know it will only take a few days to a week for something to happen then what? I’ve heard sorry so many times that I don’t even care about this word anymore. It has no meaning to me. This time is different is another one…

    I never thought I would find myself in this situation, we’ve built a life together and here we are dealing with this.

    Wish me luck, any advice and tips are always welcome..

    #3547
    jenny46
    Participant

    You are going through it, but you are doing this and doing it well. When I read your last two posts I am sorry to say they seem just oh so familiar. His words stink of manipulation too me, or shall I say his lies do ! I’m sorry if i’m sounding a little blunt or even harsh towards him.

    I can also tell in your posts that your own voice inside your head is talking to you and telling you the truth in all of this. I don’t think anyone really knows why someone would go and waste their money like this, many CGs will tell you that they don’t understand it so how on earth are you supposed to. You could ask this question for years and never find the answer – its not worth burning out your mind trying to work it out.

    Often Hope, gambling addiction is not about the money, it is about the gamble. Money is a tool that the addiction needs in order to gamble, it isn’t the focal point or the goal, much of the time.

    I think anyone who’s never lived with the addiction to gamble would never be able to comprehend the real enormity of it all and its ability to cause such destruction. You didn’t sign up for this and neither would he have done and certainly no one would or should blame you if you ran like hell.

    Don’t be fooled in to thinking he doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing in justifying his recent actions, he will know because he will have spent hours thinking about the best thing to say to make him self appear to be quite justified in his actions and you to end up feeling you got something badly wrong! I don’t think you’ve got your thoughts wrong but it is the next few actions that will count I think.

    Sometimes, I remember Velvet saying to me and several others that when we don’t know what to do it is best to do nothing, as difficult as that maybe it works. Plus It is infuriating to people who are waiting for your usual predictable reactions !!

    Action however is what you need to see, depending on what it is that you decide to do, if you cut out all the usual bluster and noise and a bit of screeching, what has he actually done that would lead you to believe he wants to change ?

    Has he picked up the phone, attended a meeting or looked on this site without you telling him he should seek help ? Sorry has little meaning but actions speak a lot louder than words.

    I don’t want to influence you one way or the other really, except to say stick to your guns and don’t move 1mm on anything you have decided upon. Take time out and don’t listen to the crap.

    You don’t need luck hope, you need a clear mind

    Jenny x

    #3548
    vera
    Participant

    Sorry to hear you are going though such stress and turmoil Hope!
    From the minute I read your first post I felt as a CG, you were being duped! Your CG had NO input into his recovery . He went along with things because he was “cornered”! I don’t say this in judgement. Hope but I do have some insight into the working of a CGs mind. Our thinking becomes seriously flawed. We apply irrational thoughts to rational situations. When we become desperate to gamble we will do ANYTHING to get that release. The more we are thwarted in our effort the more likely we are to explode. It is very difficult to describe. I remember driving through a serious floods to “my” casino one November night about 7 years ago! The water was coming into the car! I was petrified! Every “river” I drove through seemed deeper but I got there . It took me 4 hours to travel a 50min journey. When I arrived the guy who worked there said “How did YOU get her?” There were only 2 other locals at the machines! I lost a fortune that night. They closed early and I had to drive the return journey. I definitely put my life at risk that night. I’m telling you this to highlight the desperation of a CG and this is mild compared to other “dramas” !
    You are getting great support from F and F members. Read it and take it on board.
    I would suggest that you DON’T ” put your CG out!” As Jenny says that will give him a great reason to gamble. Do not listen to his threats, manipulation or indeed promises.
    WORDS MEAN NOTHING at this stage . nly actions.
    Of course he gambled on the day of his “intervention” . That’s how we CGs cope with stress. We gamble! Of course he took cash from the bank. CGs HAVE to have ammunition ready “in case things go belly up”. Of course he is crying/begging and pleading YOU are his only hope now….not hope fpr a happy life, I’m sorry to say, but hope of him securing his next gamble!
    the last straw is using the children as a pawn……YOU will have to draw the line there.
    My suggestion is to sit tight . Let him do as he pleases. Issue no treats or promises. Just act as if all is normal and do not leave under any circumstances.

    #3549
    vera
    Participant

    Just wondering how the weekend is going for you Hope?

    #3550
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Julie Michelle
    Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
    Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
    Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
    Hoping to hear from you
    Velvet

    #3551
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Julie Michelle
    I have put this post twice on Hope’s thread in the hope that you are still reading Julie.
    Please start you own thread and/or pop in to an F&F group. It is always frustrating to see a member sandwiched on another thread and therefore unable to get the individual support that they deserve.
    Every member is replied to individually because each and every one of us is unique.
    Sharing the worry of your loved ones addiction can be very therapeutic – there is no judgement here, only understanding.
    Hoping to hear from you
    Velvet

    #3552
    hope2014
    Participant

    Hi vera,

    It’s been a strange week.

    I did just as you said, I let him stay, and explained that I won’t go by words anylonger.

    I needed to see actions. He spoke to a counsellor on the phone and then came and sat me down. He told me he doesn’t need counselling as he is able to control this. When I first heard this my heart sank. I realised I cnt do anything to help him unless he helps himself.

    He said with faith, and throwing himself into his new job he should get through this.

    He asked me to keep his bankcards, and that we shud focus on our family. And that’s exactly what we have been doing. The past week we were like any other normal household. We enjoyed dinners, walks in the park and a lot of family activities it was lovely.

    But on reflection tonight while he is asleep next to me all I think is when will things go wrong again.

    He also suggested to bring me receipts for everything and has stuck to that this past week. It feels weird Almost as though I’m his mother. I’m monitoring him at his request.

    I’ve let the counselling thing go, and try not to even think about gambling as a whole.

    For now I’ll keep my eyes closed and enjoy the good im in control of all finances and that’s all I feel I can do anything else it’ll have to come from him.

    Thank u vera for all your support and insights into a cg mind your right about so much. He was cornered it was a make or break type of situation and he had to go along with my demands.

    But I stuck to my guns I didn’t get the phone although his brother did, I showed him I won’t budge on that. I also told his brother he’s enabling him, and he in turn said he is keeping the phone until he pays him back when he gets paid next month with his wages.

    And my cg asked me to handle that transaction since I’m his accountant now.

    I don’t know I’m just taking each day as it comes

    #3553
    vera
    Participant

    Sorry for the slow response, Hope!

    Glad to hear things are improved for you, but keep a watchful eye! CGs are tricky! I went into a “speed wobble” myself last month but I’m back on track now.
    I don’t want to upset what seems to be a very cosy arrangement, Hope but it takes time before a CG can be trusted again. It doesn’t happen overnight even though we can make it appear that all is normal! We are good at playing “double games”.
    Make sure his family and friends are kept up to date on recent arrangements in case he manages to borrow “for Christmas” , for example. That would be difficult to refuse. Also look out for any phone calls or emails from Loan Companies. At this time of year, they throw money at vulnerable people!
    Hopefully this is all in my imagination, but I will quote a CG called “Geordie” who says wisely,
    “Even though the monkey has jumped off your back, it doesn’t mean the circus has left town”!

    Get all your “Santa” gifts early to make sure the children are looked after.
    Then sit back and enjoy the run up to Christmas.
    I would pass on the counselling for now but it would be reasonable to ask him to attend GA or read this Forum at least!

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