Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Is someone in a similar situation because I don’t understand..

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  • #5629
    PeanutFeathers
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    Yes I need help. Like everyone else, I feel alone. And I am alone. I moved to the US from my little European country to visit my boyfriend back in 2013 and he proposed to me 4 months later and we got married.

    It’s a different story now. My husband (I guess my ex husband I can’t even say or write it like that yet) lives in Hawaii with his mom, I am alone in Las Vegas. He had (has?) a gambling problem for 2 years now. It started small. 6 years ago he lived with poker players and was introduced to the whole world and he saw them win big money. When I moved here 4 years ago we gambled together to ”get the free drinks and have fun”. I started feeling bad about every dollar we would lose and we stopped. Well, I did. He became obsessed with fantasy sports and would study it for hours and hours and when that became illegal in Nevada he started betting sports more and then he went back to slots.

    After realizing he hasn’t paid a single bill in the house for 4-5 months and realizing he has been lying to me I threatened to leave and he checked himself in recovery (Jan 2016). He successfully ”moved on” and was a happy person again, he talked about how much he wants to help people stop gambling and how he is again ”the happiest man in the world”. Then he relapsed. It was 3 months before our church wedding in my country and our wedding party (we have been legally married here for 3 years now).

    On his 30th birthday I woke him up with presents, we had a great morning I went to work we were messaging each other all happy, I came home made dinner and cake and he lied to me he was at work. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4 am he wasn’t home. He never did something like that I thought he was in an accident. I went looking for him and ended up looking at our bank account and everything was gone. We were not rich and did not have too much money but he gambled everything we had. Then he said he will go back to recovery and his mom was supposed to borrow us money for our wedding party. He relapsed again and gambled his entire paycheck and my paycheck. Then he talked to his mom who told him she is not going to help us and he told me she thinks we shouldn’t get married in church (I am Catholic he is not, he only acknowledges legal marriage) because that will be it for me and he ”is irresponsible and too immature to be married.”

    That was when he told me that gambling is not his problem, that marriage is his problem. And he left. Was gone for days, went to strip clubs, stayed at his friends and when he would come home he would be high. Yes he smoked pot and I never liked it – that was the only thing except for gambling we argued about. So I kicked him out. I was paying the bills, he was coming home high and would just sleep so he doesn’t talk to me. I was told in the Family group at the Gambling center I have to tell him he has to go to recovery or leave. He didn’t want to go back to recovery so he left. He told everyone he doesn’t want to be married and that he left me. He stayed at his friends who then realized he really has a problem because he would not even eat or cover for the expenses, he would gamble all the money. His friend said he looked like a heroin addict.

    My husband then lost his job because he was constantly late for work, his friend kicked him out and his car died so he could not sleep in his car anymore. He would sleep in his car in the casino parking lot. He ended up sleeping on the bench in the park for 3 nights. His friend called his family in Hawaii and talked to his sister about his gambling problem. He was skinny and looked sick… I picked him up and he stayed with me for a week. While staying with me he went through all the drawers to find change so he can gamble. He admitted it all. His mom sent him money (which she has been doing a lot then did not believe me he will gamble it) to pay his car off so he can sell it and he gambled it. He told me everything and when his mom bought him a ticket to Hawaii he said he is going there to ”clear his head and that he will be back before I know it, that he loves me and is married to me he gave me his vows and he will be back to me”. That was the last thing he said to my face.

    He never came back. He just ended our marriage over a text message after staying there for 7 months. He just stayed in Hawaii and he left with 4 shirts and 3 pairs of pants. A backpack. He told me he is not ready to be married and that he has to let me go. Over a text.

    My CG husband left me and I wanted to work it out. I really did. I would help him through it all. He said he is not gambling in Hawaii because it’s illegal. I don’t know. I know he smokes a lot of pot and is probably getting his fix like that. I don’t know. His biological dad was a drug addict and his mom used to do drugs and stopped when she realized she was pregnant with him. She still smokes pot a lot and encouraged him to smoke with her when he was 18. He told me he overdosed on cocaine when he was 21. So there is a history behind it…

    I am broken. Broken because the man I love changed overnight and blamed everything on our marriage. His gambling and everything. I am broken because I am alone in this country and I moved here to be with him.

    Can someone please help me with advice…All I see is that the spouses of CG are leaving them because they can’t take it anymore. I am the one who is left here. Is it possible he changed so much because of gambling or did he really gamble because he didn’t want to be married? I love him so much and I know it sounds crazy but I would do anything to be with him…

    I remember he would say he gambled because he wanted to win big because he has over 100,000 in student loans (never graduated) and some other debt. I remember he started gambling and betting sports for fun and he would never run out of the house to gamble except for one time when we had an argument and he left. Just one time.

    I am so sad, alone and broken. And I am so sorry for this long message…

    Thank you..

    #5630
    velvet
    Moderator

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    Hello Peanut Feathers

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #5631
    lily
    Participant

    Hi peanut, I have so much I want to say to you but do not have time to write a considered post right now however I wanted you to know I had read and understood and will write as soon as I can. The one thing I really want to say is it is not your fault, it really isn’t. I will be back in touch as soon as I can, rest assured you are not ignored or forgotten, Lily x

    #5632
    lily
    Participant

    Hi again Peanut,

    It sounds like you have been through a lot and still have a lot to deal with. I know you feel broken now but things will get easier I promise. First of all, you are a long way from home by the sound of it, do you have any support for you in Las Vegas? Has the situation left you in a finicial difficulties? If so these are the things you need to sort out first. Focusing on what you can do to help you will really help at this time.

    As for all that has happened with you and your (ex) husband, even without knowing if there were any other issues in your relationship I can tell you he has left because of the addiction. Active Cg’s have problems with commitment, they have low self esteem, and the lengths they go to in order to gamble leave them racked with guilt which makes it hard for them to maintain close relationships. All of these things would almost certainly leave him running scared at the thought of extra commitment.

    He may be taking time out to concentrate on his own recovery or he may not want you around because you will be in the way of his gambling, you may never know but which ever it is he probably text you it being over rather than have to deal with the emotional fall out, active Cg’s are often using the addiction because they do not know how or just have too much damage to deal with emotional situations. In order to get control over the addiction (they will never be cured) they need to get professional help, and therapy to deal with the route causes, in your Cg’s case you have already alluded to the possible sources of the problem.

    It is important to remember that it is not your fault. 17 years ago I met a man who I fell madly in love with, we got on great in every way and had a blissful 10 months together. He told me he was a Cg and I often saw him gamble but never really realised the seriousness of this. One day out of the blue he ended it telling me he didn’t love me. I was devastated but you can’t make someone love you so I reluctantly moved on but we remained friends at a distance. 8 years later he popped up again, after years of gambling and a prison sentence he was in such deep trouble he was fearing for his life. I took him, helped access therapy, he told me he had loved me all along but that was not enough to stop him gambling even whilst in treatment and we broke up again. Once again I was devastated and thought too that I was broken but I came to this forum and was advised to take care of me which is what I did. I looked at myself, found what I enjoyed and what fulfilled me and became a much better and more well rounded person.

    Unbeknown to me my CG did the same and after 7 long years of battling he managed to go into a strong recovery and got back in touch. We are now back together and have a great relationship but none of that could of happened without us both letting go and working on ourselves.

    Anyway I digress, the point was he tells me that 17 years ago when he told me he didn’t love me he thinks he really did deep inside but a CG with a deep addiction has no room for love, they are full of addiction, they do not know what they feel themselves. He thinks it was a mixture of trying to protect me and not wanting someone getting in the way of his gambling that made him push me away back then. Whatever it was I know he needed the space for his recovery and I needed the space for mine in order for us to have the relationship we now have. I also know that if he had not begun true recovery and not returned I would have been ok because I had worked on myself and my life to make it what I wanted, he was just the icing on the cake.

    There is no way of knowing what will happen in the future and there is no guarantee your husband will make a recovery (although probably far more likely in Hawaii than in Las Vegas I would imagine!) but that doesn’t mean you will not have a happy and fulfilling life. Stop blaming yourself and ignore him blaming you (far easier to blame you than explain his gambling problem to all and sundry). By all means tell him you love him still but I would accept his decision at this stage and get on with looking after you. Whether he comes back or not you need to be the strongest, most complete version of yourself you can be to have a happy life and once you are you may not even want him in your life any more anyway, who knows?

    Do keep posting and tell us about your recovery, there is always someone hear willing to listen and support you. Lily x

    #5633
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Peanut Feathers
    I saw your post earlier and wrote my reply but I had to go out and I didn’t send it. If I duplicate anything Lily has since said, the reason is that although we are all unique the problem we share is common. I am therefore sending my post without alteration.
    Your post, which was certainly not too long, outlines your situation completely making it easier to know how to support you.
    I will not be addressing your husband as ex because what you decide to do is down to you and at the moment you are saying you would do anything to be with him, there has been no divorce, so he is not an ‘ex’ at all.
    The pattern of addiction you describe is common – millions of people gamble without a problem but CGs do not know until it is too late that for them gambling is not something they can enjoy and walk away from.
    I suggest your husband has had a gambling problem for at the very least six years and that encouraging you to join him was a natural way forward for him. Don’t beat yourself up that you went with him because you were not to know there was anything to worry about and he would not have wanted you to know. The addiction to gamble loves secrecy and those who love CGs seldom, if ever, know from the beginning that there is a problem
    Many CGs who seek recovery don’t fully accept they have a problem, so although they seem improved, they can begin to believe that they are cured and then a relapse can occur more easily. However the tools given to your husband when he sought support will not be entirely forgotten which raises hope that another stronger recovery will take place, in other words a CG can turn his back on the support given but something hopefully usually rubs off. The happiness your husband experienced will not be forgotten by him but in my opinion he doesn’t know how to access it again and he is living with the wrong person to help him.
    As long as someone is willing to enable, the job of facing an addiction will appear insurmountable. Making the leap of faith to live gamble-free takes a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and a lot of courage – your CG is avoiding all these things possibly by living with someone who is not willing or able to support him in the way he needs support.
    Marriage to you is not his problem – ‘Gambling’ is. He is married to you but possibly he is afraid of the immensity of a Church wedding which is not overly uncommon with CGs. Family occasions are often overwhelming; they can bring back deep personal memories of other difficult family gatherings. Trying to feel part of something good whilst feeling inadequate can bring on massive feelings of guilt and guilt always brings misery – gambling is a way to avoid that misery.
    I am really saddened that your Family group thought that giving an ultimatum to an active CG to recover or leave was a good idea – It is something you will never hear on this site. CGs react to ultimatums usually by running away and/or gambling – your CG’s addiction is the master of manipulation and you are not. His reaction should have been fore-seen by this group and never forwarded as an option.
    I think your husband probably truly believed his final message to you before he left for Hawaii but if he is getting enablement to gamble it is probably a lot easier to blame you and indulge his addiction rather than seek recovery.
    Do you have any communication with him at all and if so what is? Is it possible for you to move away from Las Vegas to somewhere that doesn’t have gambling as its main reason to exist?
    I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I know of many, many spouses who have not left and who do enjoy incredibly special lives with their husbands – it isn’t easy but if you are willing not to give up then I will be here for you for as long as you want me to be. Please keep posting Peanut Feathers because there is a lot more to say and I love your username – as Lily says there is always someone listening.
    Velvet

    #5634
    PeanutFeathers
    Participant

    Dear Lily and Velvet,

    I appreciate your messages so much. I was waiting for messages like yours and someone to understand this mess I am going through. Thank you so much for commenting…

    It took me some time to respond because I am confused and sad and have been very depressed. It is hard to even write about it because it immediately causes the tears in my eyes. It’s my husband’s birthday tomorrow and a year since he gambled our money and officially ”relapsed” after his recovery. Time flies and the wounds don’t heal fast. I don’t know what to do. When he ended our marriage over a text message I told him I wanted to work on it and that it’s not fair we never had a chance to work on our marriage and try to fix it. He said we tried which is a lie.

    We had some smaller problems like every couple does but we never talked about ending it or anything like that. Everything changed overnight.

    I told him he can’t be my friend after how he treated me and how he ended it over a message. It hurts too much. He did contact me his mom was in a hospital (nothing serious) and I was supportive in my text messages and he thanked me. He then sent me another message a couple of days later with some results from the tests they did on his mom and was happy with the results and thanked me again for being there for him. I don’t know what to do.

    It is a rollercoaster. One day it hits me he just left me and that he doesn’t love me anymore and then the other day I think about his gambling and I analyze his behavior. Then I think he maybe did gamble because he was unhappy with me and it is the worst thought.

    I don’t know if he is gambling in Hawaii…. is it possible just to stop like that? I know he smokes a lot of pot there now, his mother is very pro-smoking pot too and I think that is the way he is getting away from facing the problems and another way of getting the high for his addiction.

    I really don’t have too many friends here and I have no family. If I move somewhere else I don’t think he will come and live with me because I know how proud he is and if he decided to ”let me go” he will probably stick to it no matter how much it hurts.

    And I will have to live with a fact my husband just ran away from me without ever really talking to me about anything. Gambling changed him completely. He never went to strip clubs but when it hit him hard and when he blamed our marriage for his gambling that was where he was going to. And it hurt a lot.

    The last week in Vegas that he spent with me he sounded like he understands his addiction, told me he went to strip clubs because that is where people with problems go and it is a very sad place. He sounded like he knows he has a problem. And when I tried to remind him of his promise he gave me at the airport he said (over a message) – I don’t remember, I was a broken man. He also said that our relationship is in the past and there is no going to the past and that he can never go back to where he was last year and that he is better now.

    I am sorry I am talking about the details, I really don’t have anyone to talk to who would understand..

    thank you…

    #5635
    lily
    Participant

    Hi Peanut,
    Good to see you posting again. Firstly please don’t apologise about giving too much detail as Velvet said it actually helps to know the detail so people can be specific and relevant in their responses.

    Secondly as to your comment about wondering if he gambled because you made him unhappy, he gambled because he is a compulsive gambler. No one can make anyone anything, happiness comes within, ability to cope comes from with in often people with this addiction have not been given the tools they need to be happy or to cope so they get into a pattern of distracting themselves from anything highly emotional or difficult by gambling, it is like creating a diversion for themselves. After a while it becomes so habitual that they will almost make excuses to do it, the more they do it the more fall out there is to deal with, then they gamble to escape the feelings associated with that, guilt shame etc.

    This brings me on to your next question ‘can a gambler give up just like that?’ The answer is no, it is really tough. They have to first get away from the temptation by self excluding etc, having their money strictly controlled, the people around them to stop enabling then they need to get help, find out their triggers, the reasons behind them and learn new ways of dealing with their emotions in the future (positive emotions can also be a trigger for some), But before all of this and most importantly they have to want to stop.

    When you find out your partner or husband is a CG, that they have lied to you, that they are maybe blaming you it feels very much like when someone has had an affair. It can damage yourself esteem, it can feel as if you are to blame, it can feel as if you were not good enough or didn’t do enough to stop them, it may leave you feeling angry, hurt lost or confused. These feelings can be hard to get past and it is important you have support from friends, family and ideally a qualified counselor. It is important to take care of yourself and be able to move forward, you can’t make them recover but you can take charge of your own recovery and in turn that may help them but most importantly it will help you.

    Be kind to yourself Lily x

    #5636
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Peanut Feathers
    Once again Lily has beaten me with her response and once again I am sending a post I wrote earlier before I had read her words.
    I’m sorry that you were too sad to respond because there is always someone here listening and it is common to find that writing relieves pain – putting your thoughts on here will hopefully take a lot of the pain and confusion out of your head.
    In answer to your question, if he is a CG, your husband won’t stop gambling just like that – he may abstain for a while but abstinence is not controlling the addiction.
    It’s only a thought but your husband may have gone to strip clubs to help him feel he was still the man he would like to be – because the addiction to gamble takes over a CGs mind for 24 hours a day sometimes they struggle with other things – strip clubs are easier than explaining to the women they love why they can’t show affection.
    Pride is not something I associate with CGs, your husband will almost certainly be suffering with low self-esteem and no confidence. To hide such feelings he is possibly showing bravado but I suspect your husband is probably more afraid of his feelings than you think. He will not understand why you still love him because he probably feels worthless.
    Please keep posting
    Velvet

    #5637
    PeanutFeathers
    Participant

    Velvet and Lily,

    Thank you. After spending a day crying (even at work) and feeling lost and hopeless I came back to this forum. I look at other people’s posts and I know my situation is what it is. My CG left me and I should ”move on with my life and work on myself”. I even don’t have any updates. We don’t really talk I just sent him a Happy birthday message and he thanked me and said he hopes Im doing good.

    There is not even stuff to write about. I am just broken. The time is flying. Today a friend of mine sent me some of his social media posts and he looks good..He looks happy and this probably sounds horrible but that broke me. I haven’t stopped crying. I love that man so much and in those pictures he looks like the man I fell in love with. What hurts is thinking that we are definitely over and that he is better without me and not gambling.

    It sounds horrible and selfish. I am just devastated. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want my marriage to be ended over a text. No one knows how much he gambled and how it took over his life so much and how it affected our marriage. Now it just seems like he is better off without me.

    I know I can’t text him I miss him because he made a decision and he decided to end it.

    I can’t help but wish and hope he would be back but I am terrified he won’t be….

    #5638
    lily
    Participant

    Hi Peanut,
    Good to see you posting. There are many elements to your story not the least the fact you live in possibly the worst place in the world for a compulsive gambler. My partner visited Las Vegas once, he ran away with a large sum of money and was penniless with no ticket home within 12 hours! I can see why your husband would want to stay away and for his sake and in the long term yours, I am glad he has.

    If your husband is working on his recovery (and the fact he hasn’t stayed in Vagas is a good sign he is) then he will not have room for much else at this time. If your husband loves you and the relationship is one that can be saved his recovery is the only way it could ever be healthy and sustainable. Equally in these situations the recovery of the partner is just as vital. Learning about enablement, moving forward with yourself and nurturing a happy, healthy you is the only way to foster a happy healthy relationship. For these recoveries people often need time and space which may be seen as a selfish thing, actually it is self care and self care needs to happen before we can ever truly care for another person.

    Some times when self care leads to self improvement it means we grow away from a person or relationship, sometimes it heals things and brings us closer together either way it needs to happen to allow room for the people involved to blossom and lead fulfilling lives.

    In my opinion showing your care from a distance and without demands as you did for his birthday is the best thing you could do, the fact he replied speaks volumes. Getting support for yourself, enjoying your life as it stands and working on any issues you may have isn’t about moving away from him or leaving the marriage behind, it is about doing what is necessary to have a happy life, it means you have space for another person once that improvement starts to take effect.

    I can not predict whether or not your husband will return to you and in truth neither can you but if he does (and please don’t let it be in Vagas) then it is far more likely to work out long term if you are both strong in your recoveries. My partner and I were separated for 7 years working on ourselves (not to get back together, we both believed it was over) and now he is back in my life we both appreciate the work the other one has put in and our relationship is the best it has ever been, he is gamble free and I am strong and independent, this enables us to support each other fully and as equals and enjoy our life everyday. If you are having a relationship with an active gambler what you are actually having is a relationship with the addiction and that is not a healthy situation. It is an old cliche I know but you both need to find yourselves before you can re-find each other.

    Take care of you, find out what makes you smile and feel complete outside of the relationship, then the way forward will seem less daunting I promise. Lily x

    #5639
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi PF
    Some CGs have to leave relationships in order to change their lives, some have to leave a place because the temptation to gamble in that place is too great and/or they are recognised as CGs – often it is difficult for the person who is left to know which is the right reason. My CG moved away in order to change his life – he needed to get away from the place that held all his gambling history and all the people who knew him as a CG. When he moved away to new surroundings that held no bad memories he was able to renew himself.
    Of course I cannot ‘know’ whether or not your husband feels his life is better without you but I can easily believe that he is better because he is not living in Las Vegas.
    Maybe you could text him to let him know you are ok and you wish him well so that he knows you care. If he is genuinely trying to control his addiction it would help him to know you have not been wrecked by his addiction and that he can talk to you even if it is not what you want to hear.
    Keep posting PF and look after yourself
    Velvet

    #5640
    PeanutFeathers
    Participant

    Thank you again for your messages. I have not been feeling well and I know I should take care of myself but this whole situation is making me very depressed and I just want to isolate myself from the world. The fact that my husband just turned around one day and said he was not ready to be married and that is the whole reason for his gambling and eveything he did just killed me. He just turned around and changed his mind overnight and we never had a conversation about it or saw a therapist. When he ended our marriage over a text he said it is a decision it took over a year to make and that it was the hardest decision he ever had to make but that he just cannot be married and he can’t work on fixing our marriage. All I have is love for him and I don’t think it’s fair we never even tried to work on this relationship. I know he is a gambler and he feels the guilt and he made this decision because he thinks he hurt me too much and because he is justifying his gambling with him just being too ”immature” to be married because a marriage is easier thing to escape than gambling. And it sounds good and ”makes sense” in other people’s eyes. Or maybe I am wrong.

    I know him not living in Las Vegas helps a lot and the fact he lives in a paradise now is probably good for him and he is getting better. I am afraid he feels happier because he is out of Vegas and thinks it is because he is out of the relationship. We loved each other so much. I do blame myself for not knowing more and not reacting better in some situations. I wish I didn’t kick him out. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t yell and cry and scream when he gambled out money or didn’t pay the bills. I wish I told him we don’t have to get married in church last year and that we moved somewhere instead. He wanted us to move to Hawaii but the money situation was never good and I was too stubborn about saving for the wedding in church and the party. It ended up destroying our marriage. I feel like it’s my fault and that my actions made it so much worse and made me lose my husband and made him give up on us. It feels horrible.

    I cannot stay in Vegas anymore. Too many bad memories and no family or friends. Deep down I hope he would come back one day and then my family and friends (and you guys lol) tell me I have to let go and take care of myself and tell myself it’s over and it just kills me. I just wish my hopes would be justified but I guess they are not. Just the thought it is over for real is making me sick in my stomach, I can’t eat and I don’t feel like living. I am writing this message literally crying my heart out. My chest burn from pain and it feels horrible.

    I miss him so much and I probably made a mistake sending him a message yesterday. I said – ”The words cannot describe how much love I have for you and how much I miss you. Please don’t feel the pressure of responding it’s okay I just wanted to say it.” And then I added I will keep him posted about the insurance change that I am going to make this week.

    He did not respond. I didnt expect him to, I just wanted to tell him I love him because I do and all I see is the positives in him and how amazing he is and I wish he knew that and that all I want for him is to be good and I just want to help him.

    And knowing he doesn’t want me in his life anymore is horrible. Knowing it is probably over for good is…the scariest and the worst thing I could imagine. Not seeing my husband ever again.

    I am sorry this is a very emotional and irational message. Thank you for reading…

    #5641
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi PF
    Please stop blaming yourself for being you and trying to do everything right. No amount of wishing changes the past; we can only change what we do today. I cannot imagine living with a CG and not having ever pleaded, screamed, threatened, tried to understand, felt shame, disappointment, guilt and anger. We are not saints Peanut, the addiction is manipulative and cruel, it changes lives and can ruin them if it is allowed to do so.
    It is that last line ‘if it is allowed to do so’ that I think makes us continue to struggle or change into people who go forward and make something good out of something bad. You are blaming yourself for being human – but you never stood a chance. My CG told me that what I had said and done made no difference to what he did and that will be the same for you. You didn’t make him gamble, you didn’t make him walk away without a decent explanation and you didn’t destroy your marriage.
    Your husband’s addiction is claiming you every time you think that you are to blame and it is so important that you rise about this unwarranted opinion. I can’t tell you whether to hang on just in case and I cannot tell you to give up and walk away but I can tell you that ‘you’ and your life are very important.
    You didn’t make a mistake sending him the message that you did – your husband made the mistake of not replying. He has run away Peanut and that is his mistake, not yours.
    I don’t usually write about it but my first husband walked out when my 3 children were very small, never to return. I felt guilt and looked for what I had done wrong because I couldn’t see why he had chosen the path that he had. Sometimes Peanut we try and do everything right but we don’t see that the person we thought we knew is no longer walking on the same road – they have gone off on another path in the belief that the grass is greener on the other side. I felt as you are feeling now for quite a long time but it didn’t help, I learned to live one day at a time and try and make it good. 2 years later I met and married the most wonderful man who adopted my children and gave us such a wonderful life and happiness beyond anything I had ever thought possible. I firmly believe that because I had been hurt so badly, happiness when it came was so much sweeter.
    I know I didn’t cause my first husband to leave, I know I did everything a good wife should do – he just wanted something different.
    Eat a little of the things you like best Peanut and eat when you feel like it. Just for today look after yourself and do something that you enjoy. Don’t let the addiction of another take away all you pleasures in life. Get close to family and friends and tell them that you don’t need to hear opinions on your husband but you just want support for you. Allow them to care for you and gradually the pain will recede, if it couldn’t be so I wouldn’t be here.
    I didn’t find one scrap of your post irritating and I hope you will keep writing.
    I hope the following gives you some support
    YESTERDAY, TODAY, AND TOMORROW.

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
    One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
    The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
    This leaves only one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    Look after yourself dear Peanut – you are special.
    Velvet

    #5642
    PeanutFeathers
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet…I come to this thread and read your post every couple of days. I would get really down and cry and I would come here and read it again and again. It has been hard. Like time does not help. I miss my husband every day and I still can’t believe what happened. It seems unreal and the pain is very real. I know how pathetic it is to come here and basically not even have words to say because my situation is not changing. Maybe it is for better. That he left me. And maybe I am more free than most of the families here who are dealing with CGs. But I wish I wasn’t. I wish he let me fight for us. Oh God how I wish. And I know wishing and regretting and thinking about the past doesn’t change anything.

    He responded to my message 2 days after I sent it. He said he wanted to respond sooner but that he didn’t know what to say, that I caught him by surprise. That was it. I want to message him I love him every day. And I am fighting it. He won’t say it back and he won’t respond. My marriage is over and it feels like I am dying inside.

    Thank you for sharing your story it must have been hard. I am sorry you went through that and I am grateful for your kind words towards a stranger like me.

    Compulsive gambling is manipulating with me too because it really made me think my husband was unhappy with me and that he just left me. I just remember the good things not the bad ones and most of the times I don’t consider the fact he had or he still has a problem. All I can think about it how he left me over a message and how I probably will never see him again.

    I know there is nothing that can be done here anymore and I don’t even know why I’m posting. With all the people here who need help because they still have a CG in their life I am the last one here who needs advice because my CG is gone.

    Love,
    Peanut

    #5643
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Peanut Feathers
    I believe I know why you are posting and I am glad that you are – you are definitely not the last one who needs support from this forum.
    Your husband is almost definitely a CG and CGs do many things that are unaccountable and unfathomable to non-CGs. I don’t see any harm in remembering the good times and not the bad and I understand why you are focusing on his poor way to leave.
    You are not pathetic and your words resound with me – you are lost and confused and that is how most non-CGs feel when the person they love appears to walk away from the support that was unconditionally offered.
    You do have a CG in your life and you are married to him which includes vows to stick together through thick and thin, You want to keep those vows but for some inexplicable reason your husband doesn’t want to, either temporarily or permanently, who can tell?
    When I say time helps, I am seldom talking about weeks or even months. My brother died suddenly in February and my sister-in-Law is still reeling and will continue to do so for a long time. On his birthday I took her out and we talked and laughed about anything but the fact that it was his birthday. She knew, just as I knew, that we were both thinking about him but there was nothing that would bring him back so we tried to enjoy the day as best we could. We were both remembering his birthday last year but next year the memory will lessen because time is a healer – if we allow it. Next year, hopefully, she will remember what we did together this year.
    I think sending a message that appears to end a relationship is cowardly – it has left you with nothing to hang on to – but still you are remembering the good times and I commend you for that. I don’t find you free but I find you trapped by the selfishness of another which may or may not not be ascribed to his addiction.
    It is amazing that a man would be ‘surprised’ by a message from his wife. I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I think I would send the shortest of messages to ask ‘ help me understand why you left when I love you and I am willing to fight for you and our marriage because not knowing ‘why’ is making it impossible for me to move on?’ Maybe he won’t respond, maybe his surprise will be so great he will be struck dumb, maybe he is just gutless and selfish, maybe he will tell you why he left. At the moment you don’t know.
    Who can tell if there is anything that can be done or if reaching out here will make any difference – as Mahatma Gandi said ‘ you may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results.’
    Whatever you decide to do Peanut, this forum is here for ‘you’. And you certainly don’t feel like a stranger to me.
    Velvet

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