it feels like im living in ****

[jodylovescon]

Hi all,
Iv just spent the last hour reading alot of stories on here which I can very much relate to. I have spent so much money its untrue. I could have probably bought a house with all of the money that I have spent. I gamble most days online slots, bingo halls, even scratch cards. I feel so ashamed of myself and guilty about the money I am taking from the family – my husband and 4 year old son. I lie on a regular basis and am deceitful. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde because I try and convince myself that I am good, honest, decent human being but behind it all im nothing but a deceitful, dishonest liar. I have had this problem for many years now and my husband was aware of it at one point and almost left me because I was stealing the families money. He said that he couldnt cope if it happened again and he stood by me. But this time I havent got the nerve to tell him, I couldnt, the consequences of my actions are far too great. Im so selfish I hate myself for not giving him the choice. Im too afraid. I cant speak to anyone else I borrow money secretly from my mum and if she found out she would never speak to me again.
I feel so sad. I lost my job couple of months ago due to redundancy I wasnt there long enough to get any kind of pay out and i am due to start a job at the end of jan. But I have been spending all the little money coming in on gambling and lying to my husband saying that I had not received any payments. I am taking from my child and husband!!! Im an awful human being. Im too much of a coward to kill myself and Iv thought about it many times. Im minus £150 in my overdraft and although that doesnt sound too bad i spent hundreds over these past few months and watched my family struggle. My husband works hard and I have been sat at home spending his hard earned cash and trying to cover it up saying I had bought things with it and then having to borrow off my mum.
Im pathetic and weak. The funny thing is about this situation is that im a qualified substance misuse worker and used to help others overcome their drug and alcohol addictions. If only they knew their mentor was in a state worse than themselves, they wouldnt be very happy knowing that I had been preaching to them, talk about being a hypocrite!!
Anyway sorry for the rant, it was nice to get it off my chest a little.
Thanks guys and good luck on your journiesLife is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

[Anonymous]

Hi Jodylovescon,
 Thank you for posting on the Gambling Therapy forum.  As you are a GB resident you are entitled to free online support through the Gamcare website at http://www.gamcare.org.uk
 
Can I suggest that you now copy and paste your post into one of the Gamcare forums where you will receive responses from others in a similar situation to you from all over the GB.
 
 We wish you well in your recovery.
The Gambling Therapy Team

[Author]

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