You would think I would be over this after a year and a half of being true to my word of not having anything to do with him as long as he gambled.
I still cry when I think of him. I look at pictures I have hidden at times and start to cry. I think the time lost between us. I wonder if I was too tough on him but of course I know I did what i had to do. I know if our relationship would of continued I would be in a worst situation. I suppose it is the time we have spent away from one another. I also know I don’t want to bring him back in my life if he is still gambling. I just can’t put up with it and I won’t. It is the gambling I hate and not him, but he won’t cut that part of him. I really have no tolerance for gambling anymore.
So I just cry and I let more time pass wondering what will happen. I sometimes think this may be the biggest regret in my life if he were to die. I also realize I could die too but I am really overwhelmed with sadness when I think of my position and how I am missing my father. I think this has alot to do with the holidays, too. Everywhere you go the message is forgiveness, family and love. There is also the court order of no contact on his part. Sometimes I think of writing him a letter letting him know that I never hated him but truly loved him. I just couldn’t live with his gambling and that is why I did the things I needed to do. There was no other reason.
I know there isn’t much I can do. I wanted it this way. I suppose this is the price I pay for not allowing gambling.
My life has improved without the craziness of the gambling he brought with him. I would nor could I go back. I just miss him. My wish for the next coming year is for him to stop gambling and be part of our family again.
Thanks for listening,
Twilight(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)