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    • #75460
      Momoftwogreatkids
      Participant

      Hello to anyone struggling as a spouse and to Velvet. I have been thinking of you so much and all of your kind wisdom and words since I first posted here.
      In 2018 I discovered my soon to be ex’s serious gambling addiction. I also discovered he is a compulsive liar and had emotionally, mentally and financially abused myself and my children. I filed for divorce almost exactly a year after giving him the opportunity to turn over all finances ans control to me ans asking him to enter a treatment program. He would do neither.
      The first thing he said to me when I confronted him with the proof of his lies and gambling was “it’s all your fault”. I now know this is just a toxic way of abusing someone and not taking blame or responsibility for his addiction.
      It’s been a long hard road and I am so tired. I have been stuck in a divorce process for over 18 months forced to live in the same house because there wasn’t a judge to have a hearing because of Covid. It’s been the worst year, but at the same time one of the best years.
      I am finally trusting men again or at least trying. I am gaining independence, and am working towards a new career, although I did get laid off. I have a partner/boyfriend that I love. I am hoping to be divorced finally within a few months!! It would be the best gift if the whole thing could just be settled. I have a hearing in 6 days to hopefully determine living situations and support for me and the kids.
      I have missed posting and learning in the forums, but life has been crazy.
      I believe the gambling addiction will probably never go away for my ex spouse. I worry about how much I can actually tell my 18 year old son. I want to prepare him for a future of dealing with a father who is a pathological liar, a gambling addict, and extremely manipulative. My son takes his anger die the divorce out on me because his father has blamed me for all of it. Creating the narrative that “he just made mistakes and I am unforgiving.” It hurts that by son blames me for the hurt he feels, but I can take it. I love him and I want to be there for him. But I also want to educate him in a living kind way about his dad and how he lies and manipulates, but I don’t know how.
      Anyway, I am mostly ok now. Just trying to get divorced in a pandemic ans start my life over and see if I can avoid bankruptcy. Anyway, hope everyone is doing well!
      All the best
      Mono

    • #75488
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear Momo

      How good to hear from you again; I am not surprised that you are tired, you have had a real battle on your hands but wow – look at you now!

      I don’t know that you can do much to prepare your son other than to carry on being honest and loving with him. I suspect that he takes his anger out on you because he can. It is good that he has at least seen that there are ‘mistakes’ in his father’s behaviour.

      It’s a catch 22 situation, I think – we protect our children from confusion and misery only to find that they struggle with the truth when they are eventually able to receive it.

      Your son is trying to weigh up what he is learning now against what he has perceived to be the truth, as he has been growing up. (I remember when I was 18, I thought I knew everything!). It is hard waiting for a child to untangle his emotions and in my opinion, the best way to cope is to keep being there, always ready to answer questions. If your husband is forcing his opinion that you are to blame, then I believe the best thing for you to do is to answer your son’s questions gently; simply; honestly and wait for them to percolate through his muddled mind. I am sure this is not being helped by having to share the same roof as your husband during a pandemic.

      Trusting in a new relationship is difficult after the experience you have had and I am so pleased, therefore, that you are not denying yourself a chance for a better future with a man you love. I think that hopefully, with your experience, the right questions are being asked of your new relationship- the ones you never thought to ask all those years ago.

      I am glad that you seem to have found a lawyer at last who would support you. How are your parents? Keep walking forward Momo, the light at the end of the tunnel is burning bright. Don’t be afraid.

      I hope you will update again after the Hearing in 6 days, I will be thinking of you.

      As Ever

      Velvet

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