Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family I’ve walked away but doubting my decision (use this post pls)

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #5455
    Chamomile
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’ve made the decision to break up with my cg partner. Thing is I’m not sure if done the right thing. He fully recognizes he has an addiction. He’s seeing (and paying a lot of money) to see an addiction specialist. He’s been twice and the last time he went (last week), he went and gambled straight after the session! The session was talking about pros and cons of gambling.

    He didn’t tell me he’d gambled and he lied about it in fact. Before this he’d been 30 days gambling free which is huge deal for him and very positive. This is why I feel I may have reacted too badly? And quickly? It was his first slip up since seeking help and deciding to stop.

    The reasons why I just couldn’t do it anymore were the lies, the deceit, the cover up stories etc. And last time we broke up I told him all I need is honesty, and he still couldn’t do it. I’ve given him so many chances to be honest. I even thought there may be a slip up… but the fact that he didn’t tell me hurts and he not only didn’t tell me, he lied about it.

    So I decided to end it. Since then he said he wants me to control all the money but I’m not sure if that will help me.

    I feel like I’m giving up on him even though I love him so much. I just can’t deal with the lies. I can’t trust a thing he says anymore.

    I’ve got a 3 year old that I have to think about it too.

    Have I given up too soon? maybe I should have stayed and taken control of the money considering he was willing to do that to save us and he really wants to fight the addiction and fight to save us too. He is willing to continue to get help, to give me all money and show me receipts etc, and fight. Yet, I’m walking away. Am I silly? Am I weak? I feel it sometimes because i see the fight in him and he is doing so well, but the slip up wasn’t the issue, it was the lying and dishonesty.

    #5456
    Redare
    Participant

    Hi Chamomile,
    I think there have been a lot of technical issues with the site tonight as I think I finally got into group but my comments did not come up and Velvet the Host seemed to log out – never happens during the group.
    I hope you try again, it is a really great supportive place without judgement in any way.
    Let me know if you saw any of my comments.
    Take care of YOU – the most important person in the CG world.
    Redare

    #5457
    Chamomile
    Participant

    Hi there, I wasnt sure what to expect as it was my first time in the online chat, but its good to know that there may have been technical issues. I have read so much on this forum to know how helpful everyone is, so ill definitely try again. I didnt see your comments, except the one about struggling to log in, but thanks so much for your follow up message.

    #5458
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Chamomile
    I was sitting looking at what I thought was an empty group this evening. I could see the group page and my name in the box and that was it, so I spent the hour writing an answer to another post – I have no idea what happened so I am so very sorry that this has happened to you especially on your first time here.
    Because of the problem with the last hour I haven’t had time to consider your post fully and as I like to give my replies a lot of thought I will reply to you tomorrow – well done writing it – the first post is always the hardest.
    Velvet

    #5459
    Chamomile
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your message. I will really look forward to your reply. I should add that our relationship was (apart from the gambling and all the associated emotional/financial impacts) was good. He took care of me and my son, and we were best friends, who had some fun times together, some of the best we both have had. He was always very open discussing his addictions (after obviously he got out of denial) and was well on the road for recovery and repairing the damage it had caused in our lives. He wanted (and still desperately wants) to fight this addiction and for our relationship. And now I feel he will have no support, and he will fall back into the gambling again, after all his hard work.

    I sometimes also think – we all have demons to fight, so this is just his one. And he is really taking the recovery seriously, but this last time, just felt like it was the straw that broke the camels back. But yet, I still doubt my decision. I love him and he desperately loves me too. Yet, how can I be in a relationship where there is no trust? But it did have the intentions…

    #5460
    vera
    Participant

    Hi Chamomile. I hope you don’t mind me visiting your thread. You see I’m from the “Other Side” of GT. I am a compulsive gambler.
    I can’t tell you if you left too early or what you should do, but when I read what you wrote about your “CG” it seems to me that he is making a huge effort. Gambling aside, lies and deceit are the ruination of many relationships and I can totally relate to not being able to stay with a person you don’t trust. How did you find out he gambled after the counselling session if he didn’t come clean and tell you himself?
    I am not for one minute defending his gambling or his lies but I can tell you that fear and shame often forced me to lie. I also lied to protect my loved ones. I lied to get money . I lied about my whereabouts but for me these were white lies . I HAD to cover my tracks and being upfront and truthful comes between the CG and the” buzz”. I can honestly tell you that a CG tortures him/herself over those lies more than we do over the gambling. Lies and deceit are necessary tools when we are in action. In recovery these tools are replaced by Honesty and Openness. We can’t face our own actions so admitting them to our nearest and nearest is a double blow. We KNOW the hurt we cause but we just cannot handle it. Perhaps you are expecting a bit too much too soon. I went to counselling and gambled on the way home. I also went to work/church/shopping/visiting/funerals AND GAMBLED ON THE WAY home…I even went gambling and gambled on the way home. That’s what a CG does until he is ready to stop.
    This is a very very difficult habit to break away from. We think we are controlling our lives but the truth is that gambling is controlling our every thought, action, reaction, emotion in a way that no CG can understand. Our mind becomes a slave to gambling.
    During counselling sessions, emotions are churned up and many CGs do not deal well with emotional issues . We run for cover.
    The thing is, Chamomile, your husband’s gambling is HIS problem, not yours. Yes, you suffer from the fallout, you want to “fix” /shield /protect him but it doesn’t work like that. During the active phase a CG wants to be alone. In our own comfort zone.We hate interference . He/she hates help or advice . All we want is a free run and anyone who stands in the way of our gamble is the enemy. This, of course is flawed thinking. The illusion gambling creates sucks us in to a vortex where we spin around in a semi stupor and every one else is observing from the outside, just as baffled and dismayed as we are. No matter how much we want to reach our loved ones, we can’t it is impossible because we are in a vacuum, totally controlled , by this gambling magnet which traps us and convinces us that we cannot live without it. I have no words to describe this “alien force”. The reason I am writing here is to try to give you some little insight into what your husband might be going through . It might help you to realize why you cannot reach him when he is in this “bubble”.
    The ONLY thing you can do is protect yourself, your child, your home and you finances. And your sanity! Get help FOR YOU!
    Throwing a relationship away is not always the answer.
    I’ m hearing you say your loved one is TRYING. He admits he has a problem . That is a HUGE step for a CG. A massive step. The First step is the most difficult to take. It means a CG is saying. “I am powerless over gambling”! When we admit that, a type of surrender sets in. This is the time a CG is ready to accept help. This is how GA seems to works. Guys walk in through those doors at their lowest ebb. They look into the eyes of a fellow CG and see themselves. They hear grown men tell tales they can relate to. They hear the hurt. They feel the pain. Every CG has his own story to tell but when your CG opens up and tells his, he will know in his heart that his fellow CGs “get it”. He decides to ask his wife to take over the finances , another BIG step. Think of the blow to the CG ego when he has to admit “I can’t handle money” but we do it. We will do anything when we WANT to stop. We will do some things (but not all) when somebody else wants us to stop. We might go an extra mile when we NEED to stop, i.e. job threatened/court case looming/missus saying she will leave, but it is only when we become so sick of our sickness, so tortured by the lies and hurt , stand so deep in a hole that we know its time to stop digging, that a CG will reach out his hand to a fellow traveller and say “Help me. I’m laying down my arms. I surrender”. That is the Turning Point.
    IF you think your CG is at that stage (and only you can see the full picture) maybe it is time for you to kiss and make up. Learn to read the cues. Forget the lies. Forget the broken promises .Forget the betrayal of trust. Or at least put them on hold. If you both want it badly enough, all these things can be re built to restore what seems to be a good stable relationship (minus the gambling)!
    I have two rules in my “Book”.
    “You don’t kick someone when they are down”
    and
    “You don’t throw love away”
    That’s my take. Only my experience I would never impose my recovery on another member. Every one is different. You know more than I do. There is help available. For him and for YOU! If your guy in genuinely willing to take the first step , having a supportive wife at his side will make for a wonderful “happy ever after” Recovery.
    I wish you all the best for your future with or without your “love”.
    Gambling is a progressive disease . It never goes away. It can be fatal.There is no cure but the evidence is there to prove that GA/Gamanon and GT and many other Support Services can lead members who want to leave all the misery behind, to a life “beyond our wildest dreams”.
    I was in that place where your CG is now.
    Today I am in a different headspace, with a different outlook.
    Gambling no longer controls my life. I have taken back control. But if I place one bet it will , without the slightest doubt , all end in bitter tears.
    Today I am 400 days G free, one day at a time.
    If I can do it, it proves any CG can.
    Never give up hope!
    Look after YOU and in time your CG might be writing on this Forum giving an account of his recovery, one day at a time.
    Keep posting!
    God bless!

    #5461
    Chamomile
    Participant

    Vera – thank you for taking your time to respond to my post! I really appreciate the time and the effort that went into your post.

    Thanks for sharing your story. Its encouraging to see your story and to hear your descriptions of whats it like for him, from the CG perspective.

    To anwser your question – I was washing his trousers and emptied his pockets before loading the washing machine. I wasnt even expecting to find anything, because at that point, my understanding was about a month gambling free. It was obviously a shock to find betting slips in his pockets, from two different days over the last week. I called him about it straight away. I was pretty rational and calm. Thats when he told me he’d gambled on two different days – once straight after the counseling session, and one another day that same week. Thats what sparked the break up, as he lied about where he was and didn’t tell me about it. He also told me earlier that same day, that he was happy that he didn’t have anything left to hide from me (we’d already been working on him being honest), but he knew in himself that he’d gambled twice that week, and didnt say anything. He later after it all came out, said he wanted to tell me, but he just couldnt get the words out. But he seemed to proud when he told me at that time, that he had nothing to hide – but he did.

    I realise he is trying. He is looking at going to a GA group next week, and trying to be honest. Thing is, he has a tendency to lie about things, not only about things relating to his addiction. He realizes this too, and has admitted he is probably addicted to lying too. Hes lied to me about events in his life that aren’t real, or he fabricated them to make them seem better. He also told me he had tens of thousands of dollars that his mother was looking after for him, then he confessed (after I asked him about it again) that it was only $5000.

    The pattern with us and our relationship has always been that – he lies –> I suspect something–> i ask him –> sometimes he’ll deny until he’ll be accusing me of making attacks at him (this happened more so when he was in denial about alot of things), other times he’ll confess to only half the truth, then later times after more questioning, he’ll confess more. The stories always seem to come out in little bits at a time. And now its got to the point, that I just don’t know whats true and whats not true.

    I know in my heart, he doesn’t lie on purpose to hurt me. He lies to make himself feel better, or to hide embarrassment and shame. He also realises the damage thats caused to us.

    Today I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything and anything he has ever lied about. Ever. Hes told me some big stuff, which I appreciate and I know how hard it would have been considering he had to say – you know what, those were lies. But I fear that this will be similar to the past patterns – he only admits his wrong doings (actions, hiding stuff, or lieing) when I confront him, rather than him coming to me to discuss. And I’m a pretty fair and rational person – he knows Id prefer to be hurt by the truth, than to be kept happy with lies. Yet, this in reality seems like he gets it, but chooses not to do it.

    Just a question – do CG’s have a tendency to lie about other life stuff too? Even before the gambling started to present itself in their life? Or is that lying a whole other addiction? (Its so much, and to alot of different people, about all sorts of things, ranging from big to small?)

    I guess in a nutshell (and sorry for rambling!!), Im confused as to whether Im just dealing with a gambling issue, or a whole other addiction which is the lying. I guess it’ll be a personal case by case basis, but interested to know how lying manifests itself with this disease, and it if causes the person to lie about other stuff too.

    #5462
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Chamomile
    I remember going on line to look for a lying addiction but there wasn’t one – I found a forum where someone told me that he had one but then I reasoned he wouldn’t have told me if he had! When someone applies logic and reason to the addiction to gamble they won’t find it and yes it is common for CGs to lie about everything, not just their gambling.
    Sometimes people tell me that they won £10 on the lottery last week and £50 on a horse the week before with no mention of loss – a CG hears these things too and must wonder why it can’t be so for them. When a CG first places a bet for fun, it could not be suspected that the action would have the reaction it has. The loss, that occurs inevitably, leads to the first lie to cover up disappointment.
    I believe that the second lie and the third lie probably come easier because then there are no repercussions from friends or family – and ‘everybody loses sometimes don’t they?’ For many CGs lying becomes the tool of choice, the way to get a quiet life while they indulge in something they feel they cannot control. In the end after months and years their memories are based on lies and truth is a foreign field. However, this is all learned behaviour and with the right treatment the CG can learn to control their life and live exceptional lives, all the better often, I believe, for the courage it took to face the demon that beset them.
    Your partner said that he had tens of thousands of dollars and it turned out to be perhaps $5000 – there was a nugget of truth in what he said – his mother did look after some money. The actual amount probably felt unimportant to your partner as money has little importance to a CG apart from being a means to an end. For the CG; the ‘gamble’ is what matters and whether a bet is $10 or $50.000 dollars the ‘gamble’ is what excites the CGs brain. Many, many CGs who determine to control their addiction ask someone else to handle their finances and that is a massive step forward.
    You write that you gave him the opportunity to tell you everything and anything he has ever lied about and I am glad that he was able to tell you some big stuff because that suggests he trusts you. A CG has to learn to trust those who love them and in my opinion it is probably harder than F&F learning to trust a CG. Whether he told you everything is, in my view, unlikely but does it really matter?
    Nobody knows Chamomile when a true recovery starts, not the CG and not those who love them – only time determines a true control of the addiction. Slips should not necessarily be viewed as negative – working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future. I appreciate that you may have heard it all before and I know what that is like but from what you have said maybe your CG is posibly genuinely trying
    For all the above I believe that it is important that you don’t try and believe and trust too early because there may well be further disappointments for both of you. Keep your feet firmly on the ground and listen to what he is saying while staying calm – as you have already been doing. He almost certainly doesn’t ‘know’ that you would prefer to be hurt by the truth than to be kept happy with lies – such knowledge will only come a lot later for him – but it can come and at the risk of repeating myself I say again ‘I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that he can learn to be honest.’
    I’m going to leave this here for now Chamomile to give you a chance to ask more questions or update on what is happening.
    Velvet

    #5463
    Paul2017
    Participant

    I am very new to this site – 1 day- I am awaiting a space at GM and to be honest been reading a lot of these messages on this site – this is my first response – still learning on where I can ask peope’s help with my thoughts and when I have a talk with Ruth, no doubt this will become clear.

    however, your remarks have given me a little bit of encouragement that I can overcome if I have the heart and desire too…. thanks

    #5464
    Paul2017
    Participant

    I am very new to this site – 1 day- I am awaiting a space at GM and to be honest been reading a lot of these messages on this site – this is my first response – still learning on where I can ask peope’s help with my thoughts and when I have a talk with Ruth, no doubt this will become clear.

    however, your remarks have given me a little bit of encouragement that I can overcome if I have the heart and desire too…. thanks

    #5465
    vera
    Participant

    To answer your question, Chamomile, I would say, CGs have to lie. Our whole Gambling “Career” is based on Illusion so every aspect of gambling becomes a lie to the point where we end up believing our own lies! Yet, I can’t say “every gambler is a liar”, no more than “Every liar is a gambler” . Or the same goes for theft. I know many, many gamblers who have no debt because they funded their addiction through theft. In my book that is both lies and theft but it all hinges on how one defines Truth , which I would say ” everything that opposes Truth is a lie”. Its a complex issue, however . Knowing why people feel they have to lie would need to be teased out at a professional/spiritual level. Many CGs (and non CGs of course) have been so hurt/damaged from an early age that they need to confabulate which involves creating a fantasy life. They do not intentionally set out to hurt others by lying but lying at any level ALWAYS hurts. To say “I lied to protect my relationship” is still a lie , because, not only are you causing damage to your own self-worth, you are also gravely undermining the other person to the point of offending their trust and integrity. When my children were young, I came down heavily on them when they lied because one lie leads to another and like any bad habit , it needs nipping in the bud. Your “love” has grown beyond the budding stage but somewhere along the line, gambling was added to his habitual lying, hence the continued confusion which has led to a point where YOU are questioning your own integrity. All because of his inability to be honest.
    At this stage, I would suggest Joint Counselling. This way, at least you will see the reason for your husband’s lies and you can confront him in the presence of a third party, which will prevent arguments about who said what. And more importantly you can help him to see the damage lies do to a relationship.
    Personally, I find it hard to cope with liars, chiefly because they tend to use the worn out clichés like, “Now you’re judging” or “How about YOU? Are you perfect? “, when they are faced with Truth.
    If a person dishes out distorted /flawed/ contorted/ economical versions of the Truth, I find myself doubting EVERYTHING they say! I ask myself “is this person genuine at any level? ” That is not a judgement . The least we can expect in any relationship is clarity of perception and accuracy of response. Gamblers are BAD at both. We deflect/manipulate/distort and yes- LIE! My main lies were told to cover my tracks because if I told the truth , my gambling days would have been numbered and that is every CGs greatest dread!
    So . back to your comment about inability to trust your guy. Only you can answer if it is worth sticking together to tease all his (and your !!!) flaws out in safe setting . Trust CAN be re built. I hear lots of older men in GA describing how their whole lives were a lie–until they grew up! CGs are emotionally immature people. I don’t think I have met one who would deny this!
    Keep using the Forum for help for YOU.
    (By the way , have you told your CG you come here or is that a “secret”??)

    #5466
    Chamomile
    Participant

    Thanks so much for the replies! This definitely is therapy and helping a great deal.

    To respond –

    A bit of an update from me. So, basically, although I broke up with my partner on the weekend, we have still be chatting. Ive told him how all of this has made me feel, and he has shared with me about his feelings too….in person and via messages. We do communicate really well when we do chat; this never seems to be a big issue, which is good. Its certainly been an emotional week so far for both of us.

    The situation right now – is that he, with all of his heart, wants to continue on his road to recovery with gambling (there is weed thrown into the mix too, but the counselor is aware of this), and he wants to get clean and gamble free. So far its well over a month for weed, and I think day 6 from gambling (prior to that was 30 ish days).

    I am scared and worried about re committing, when I’m scared I will get hurt. We’ve broken up a few times before, and we’ve had the best intentions before to address things as a team, but we ended up at the whole place where this whole thread started from. But, I wouldn’t still be here, writing in this forum, or still discussing things with him, if I didn’t see there could be a ‘happy ever after’ in all this, and I know I still care, and love him, but I’m so scared to get hurt. However, saying that, I am prepared to look at possibly putting together a list of things I would need from the relationship to ensure I feel safe and secure. I’m not the type of person to ‘take control’ in a relationship… however, I kind of feel like I have too, but I don’t want to feel like I’m the one stamping the rules down with an iron fist – as that’s not me, and I’m sure that would drive anyone away. So I’m careful to come up with a list that is both ‘taking control’ and being respectful that my CG is also a human being with feelings. I wonder if I could possibly get some opinions on this?

    So, if we were to get back together, I am thinking I’d need the following things (could be reviewed after we see how the initial period goes?).

    If you have any other suggestions Id welcome it!!

    1) I would handle the money, and have full access to all bank accounts and online banking. If he had cash, he’d be accountable for what the money had been spent on.

    —–> He has already given me full access and is being accountable, even though, we still haven’t made the commitment to try again.

    2) I would need a full credit report. This is because I need to see it with my own eyes. We have chatted about it openly, but I think for my own piece of mind, I need to see it in black and white (we don’t own anything together, nor have any shared finances) but this is important for me to know at this point 1. to make sure I know what the actual current situation is, 2. in case we would ever buy a house at any point.

    —–> I asked him once tonight, and he requested the credit report within an hour.

    3) He continues to go to counseling and GA (he has mentioned his first GA meeting is next week possibly)

    4) Him and I see a counselor to work on each of our flaws.

    5) Him and I will see the counselor together to put together a plan of what steps need to be taken to start telling truth, instead of lies, and possibly to see how we handle possible relapses, etc. Do you think its worth addressing the consequences at this stage too? So its clear where our boundaries and limits are?

    6) I asked him what he needed from me and he said – He said I’m giving him everything he wants and needs – support and understanding, and he said accountability is a huge thing for him too, which he now appreciates now that I’m looking after the $$.

    7) Anything else or suggestions to add? Ive tried to make it fair and reasonable, but also bearing in mind that we are fighting an addiction at the end of the day, but also dealing with humans.

    Ive heard some people put in contracts etc, again – to highlight personal boundaries etc – what are your thoughts on these? Worthwhile? To extreme?

    Thanks so much again for all the comments!! I have shown my CG this post and he is following and reading every comment out of his own interest also. He knows I’m approaching this decision reasonably fairly, so he realizes I am weighing things up, but also the advice around steps from here, will no doubt be invaluable for our further chats together.

    Thanks SO much!!

    #5467
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Chamomile
    My feeling is that contracts are a waste of time but all the things you are talking about putting in place are great.
    I understand you showing your CG your posts but please never forget that this forum is for you. When I first came on the site, my CG was using ‘My Journal’ and I made sure I never read anything he had written because it was about ‘his’ recovery. I do believe, however, that it is more common for CGs to read F&F than it is the other way around.
    You are doing really well but the responsibility of your CGs recovery is not something for you to shoulder. Taking responsibility for his behaviour is a big step towards a gamble-free healthy life for him. So support without pressure is probably the best way forward.
    With regard to getting hurt, no relationship comes with a guarantee but you know upfront the problem with your relationship and knowledge is power with this addiction. None of has a crystal ball and I believe that life would be dull if we did have one – your CG wants to change his life and you want to stay with him – I suggest that is a good starting point and I wish you both well.
    I will leave this here as you are getting terrific support from Vera too.
    Keep posting but if there is anything you want to talk about in confidence please use the F&F group – it will be there and so will I. Nothing said in a group appears on the forum.
    Velvet

    #5468
    vera
    Participant

    I hope I’m not monopolizing your thread, Chamomile?!
    I tend to do that with people. Take an interest and cling on. Maybe it’s part of the obsessive/compulsive behaviour of a gambler.
    That aside, I can tell you straight out that no contract, no vow, no bond will stop a CG from gambling if he/she wants to gamble. That’s the scary bit . We put our heart and soul into gambling at the expense of everybody who should mean so much more to us. It is impossible to explain . One we start , gambling controls a CG completely. My analogy for it is driving a car with no brakes. Although you see kids on the kerb, old people crossing , other traffic swerving , you just keep speeding out of control. Its the most scary thing in the world.
    You are doing well Chamomile. I’m thinking if I had had someone beside me like you, it would have helped me tremendously to stop gambling. It would also have helped me TO gamble because a CG specialises in manipulating people who are prepared to “lay down their lives” for us. I am assuming , hoping and giving your CG the benefit of the doubt here, but to you I say BE CAREFUL. YOU seem to be doing all the recovery work for him. Why didn’t he go to GA before now? It’s free! He can look at the GA website . One of the things you could do together is read the GA 20 Questions .There are meetings everywhere. Also there is GAMANON for CGs SOs. Perhaps you could attend a few meetings for your personal growth. I’d like to ask how long you know this guy? Is he the dad of your 3 year old? Does he work? How has he funded his gambling habit up to now and the smokies? You needn’t answer those Questions here but make a note of these points if you’re interested to discuss them in your private counselling sessions. By the way, if you’re in the UK you will be entitled to free counselling.
    The reason I’m involving myself in your thread, Chamomile is that I sense your sincerity in helping your guy and I also sense your vulnerability, should he ever want to gamble again. Tough Love is what a CG needs. You need to cover all the pros and cons for YOU and for your child in this relationship. Keep your barriers high. Protect yourself emotionally and financially. A CG needs an enabler . We surround ourselves with enablers. Even when we are not active the antenna will suss out potential enablers for the future. I did this consciously and unconsciously . I would like to hear you listing more of the things HE is doing because from what I’m reading it seems that you are carrying the can.
    If my husband had stopped enabling me I would have stopped gambling far sooner than I did but he didn’t know how. That’s your task Chamomile. Find ways not to enable your CG (and I don’t just mean giving him money) and let HIM find ways to stop gambling for HIMSELF not for you!
    You’re doing well. Keep posting!

    #5469
    Addicted2pain
    Participant

    When I first realised I sufferred from multiple addictions I thought it was just a bad dream. I thought sure I do these things often but are they addiction or do I just do them too frequently and need to slow down. I started gambling once every few months then more often to weekly, finally it got to the point where it didn’t matter what day of the week or was, if find something to bet on. Smoking cannabis was only done once a month then once a week at a party then twice a week then eventually daily, and alcojol although i drink very rarely when i did i always made sure i would drink enough to get a buzz, then once i had the buzz i would keep going until my body physically told me i couldn’t continue, so did i stop? No i continued to drink even after vomiting the last 40 drinks. When i started to realise i had those addictive tendancies i told myself you can control it, just don’t do it 75% of days you do only do it 25%, or dont take as much as you do, only do half of that, only do what you need, yet I couldn’t stop. No matter what limits I gave myself I couldn’t stop. I tried many things from cutting up cards to  hiding cash around the house to limiting amounts of cash I would take out with me but that wouldn’t stop me. No matter what steps I took the addiction would still take over no matter how many times I said no. Every single time I broke the promises to myself I felt myself sinking lower and lower into depression, into hating myself, into thinking the world would be better off without me in it. Why did it pick me and why can’t I be like everyone else. With the addictions came the dishonesty. I never really knew why I felt I needed to hide my addictions, was it because I realised the harm it was doing to myself that I was ashamed of? Was it because I was embarassed of who I am? Was it to disguise the pain I was under on the inside? Every second,minute,hour,day,week there werr multiple questions going on in my head. Initially the very things i did to excess were my escapes but those escapes turbed ubto the turbulent landscape that i called my mental state of mine.

    Whatever it was it has cost me more than anyone will ever know. Although I was never from the richest background I was given everything in life to succeed. One living parent, food on the table and the ability to suceed in a number of ways. Ways i should be proud of even to this day. I have always held down a job, friendships and kept my life stable where on the outside it seemed like I had everything anyone could ever ask for yet I kept the pain I was going through a secret.

    As I grew older I went through one long term relationship that fizzled out as young relationships do at times but was marred by death and grief from outside the two person relationship and also one inside over the course of this relationship. During some tumultuous times I felt an escape in my addictions. When I was struggling through the tough times I could always find enablers that would be right by my side to enjoy the social aspect of my personality not understanding the pain I was disguising on the inside, the pain I was trying to evaluate whilst fulfilling my fantasies to win the next bet, smoke the next bong or drink that next drink.

    After that relationship began to gradually end I met someone that gave me strength hope and something I craved, self belief. I had always been positive looking for the best in everyone else’s situation yet on the inside I was fighting multiple demons. I was embarassed and ashamed of who I was and made up things at times as I felt this person was too good for me. What would she see in a multiple addict that has earnt and achieved alot but has nothing to show for it. Why will she want to spend any time with someone that is as pathetic as me is what I told myself.

    Gradually that friendship blossomed into what I would call true love. She introduced me to her family, made me feel as if I was someone that I could treat like a princess and i would be treated like a king in return. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with and finally someone that I would do anything for to continue that love… anything but be honest about the real me. The addict who is hiding these demons and these lies of life that ashame me every day i walk this earth.

    One day it became appparent to that love of mine that something was up. I broke and told her i had an issue. But I didn’t tell her everything. I trusted her but I thought her knowing everything in my life such as being a CG and a habitual cannabis user with alcoholic tendancies would drive her away. She promised to support me in the one addiction I let out. I loved her for that and vowed to change. I had begab attending counselling but the methodology used just didn’t give me faith so i stopped going and dlied about it. Someone above must have known as much as i she needed to know and because i wasnt goung to say it events led to her finding out. A member of staff at the counsellor broke my confidenxe and trust and told her. I admitted the lie and exllained i didnt feel it was doing anything for me but id had 3 weeks off so I thought I was cured of the addictions but how wrong was I. 

    We went along and continued to be the best of friends living life in love and in laughter. Then another issue came up. Again I broke and promised to be better. I had lied and I had more than once. Even on the inside I thought to myself…. this is it. Time to be real.

    This I thought was it and I knew I wanted to be a better man. I was ready to fight for everything. I wanted that love and I wanted to urge us to a better place, together . From that day I stopped smoking, drinking and gambling. I organised to see a psychotherapist and invited her to join me. I went to 2 sessions and felt i was in a good space but directly after, on a hot summer’s day I pulled into the local bar. I ordered an ice cold red bull. I was staying strong. Then the moment came. I had cash and i still to this day do.not know why I did it but I placed a bet.  I won. I placed another and lost it all. I took money from the machine. Bet again and lost it all. Did the same thing. Lost it all. Although only down $100 and having lost more before it was enough. I promised tobe gamble free and couldn’t.

    I saw that love of ny life an hour later. With butterflies in my stomach and my mind telling me to say something I looked at her and opened my mouth. Then the words never came out. I was a coward and broke that trust that was barely there.

    A couple of days went by and a conversation came up. Again those butterflies and again the urge and mind telling me to say it. Again the coward in me opened my mouth, again I couldn’t get the words out and instead said I was glad I had nothing to Hide.

    Fast forward to that evening and i found myself so emptionally unstable because of my lies i went to the same bar. I ordered my red bull. And started to walk to the machine. And then i looked out to the carpark. In the carpark was the love of my lifes mother. I saw her and she didnt see me. I put on my sunglasses and walked right out of that bar to avoid beinf recognised. Head down. Ashamed of myself but also hopinh not to be recognised.

    An hour later my lie unravelled before my eyes. My post counselling bets were found out. I broke and admitted my slip and over the course of a week tried to get everything out that I had ever been dishonest about, ever, and still am. That evening I contemplated taking my life. I couldn’t handle the pain I was responsible for causing. I planned it all out and was moments away from beginning it. Then I decided that wasnt the way. I droveaway and ended up thinking of a less noticable way of doing it. A way that could be seen as an accident. Finally I realised I needed to continue to fight these addictions and not let it beat me.

    To this day I know why I have lost the love of my life. I dearly want to change and want to fight for a life where I can live without the stress of dishonesty. Without feeling as if I have something to hide. I feel with that I need and want support. I want to take accountability and ownership for the issues I brought on myself but I also want to share the joy of the milestone with someone that appreciates how hard this is. Since that fateful evening I have attended aa, booked further psychotherapy, admitted to him the gambling slip up and have maintained being drug free for over 40 days, alcohol free for over 37 days and will continue to fight so one day I can hopefully share the joy of my biggest achievement with the one person that ever truely loved me. Addictions and all.

    I’m sorry for the novel and the multiple issues considering this is CG focussed but as you may have figured out. This is the coward CG that has lost the love of chamomile and for that I am truely sorry and genuinely want to change for the better no matter the judgements I know I deserve and give myself every day.

    Chamomile is a strong person and deserves every bit of happiness in this world. She is an Amazing woman that I will fight to show how much she means until the day I die but who I also respect and understand the decision to walk away no matter how much pain it causes.

    Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.