22 December 2013 at 4:55 pm #3088
Hello22 December 2013 at 9:04 pm #3089
I really hope that this time I will succeed in getting me out there, having only just realised how to do a reply I am now struggling with how to start a new thread.
Since the last time I posted, the one when I was never going back !! I did go back and back again and each time it was a little worse than the time before. Each time there was a little bit less there than the time before. Each time I questioned myself again and again.
I love him, I kidded myself, I fooled myself, into thinking that I was just numb with the pain of all the things that happened which were related to the addiction but yes I still loved him.
I was determined to cross the void that grew ever wider between us. I believed that it would be possible and that when that numbness went away then that would be the day that the void would be crossed.
I really couldn’t stand him to be with me physically in any way shape or form the whole idea just repulsed me. Harsh, but that is the only way I can describe how it was.
I can’t say I blamed myself but I had the beginning of a need to try and understand that why when he was recovering could I not begin to trust and meet him across that void at least part way to the middle.
Small niggley things were in my mind, small things but increasingly more small things were beginning to add up to bigger things and deep down I knew there was no recovery just better lies and better cover ups. The addiction was back just wearing different clothes – it was wearing the cloak of recovery.
There were so many things that were going on at the same time in my life and I bumbled around being everything to everyone until I was just so worn out, something had to go. Flitting in between limbo land and having a strong sense that things were not good for me within our relaitionship gave me a feeling of total confusion. Things were not actually good except for short moments very much of the time. I struggled to accept that I could not have what I wanted within that relaitionship.
Slowly I started to do things which I had to force myself to do and often still do ( I am talking over years now not weeks) through boredom, through bloody mindedness and through the need to recognise some sort of order and normality in what felt like a mush of the strangest circumstances ever.
Time goes on, more mayhem came with it, everything seemed like lunacy and all the time something deep within in me was screaming – you can stop all of this today if you like.
I didn’t listen but I heard that voice getting louder and louder and still I didn’t act, but by that time my foot was in the water and the water felt good. My head was still in a bucket of something more smelly.
I had turmoils with my boys and went through a particularly bad stage of failing or feeling like I had failed them, That hurt. On that realisation and not really knowing what to do with all the stuff in my head. I stood still, I sat still and couldn’t for a while physically cope although my mind was working over time.
Day by day and month to month I just stopped, taking the bait, answering the needy phone calls and irritating texts, jumping on the majority of hooks. I stopped coming here, I stopped doing everything I really didn’t have to do. I didn’t drink or smoke, I didn’t go out – I did nothing except think.
Somewhere in all of that ‘ brakes on I can no longer do this anymore thought process’ came a calmness and a realisation that I didn’t want to do the ‘this ‘ any more which was why I was no longer doing it.
I have fought a few battles in my time and have been ‘battle weary’ The biggest battle I have ever fought is the one I fought with myself. The one I let happen between my head and my gut was the biggest, my heart was stuck in the middle and I pulled it around all over the place.
Somewhere in all of that a change took place and I realised a few things. I was not a numb person devoid of feelings I just no longer loved my partner, complicated but sounds simple. Or is that the other way around.
In the middle of all of this I worked on a few goals, small things that have made massive differences. I rehashed my finances, I finished my degree, I trained in end of life care and completed my registered care managers award in the space of about 2 years. I went flat out at work purely as a distraction but I was able to retain the enjoyment of my achievements although I resented doing the work and it was a major effort.
At the same time I more or less finished my house and finally felt within me a sturdy foundation which couldn’t be shaken by the influence of addiction or at least not much.
My focus was then able to shift properly on to the needs of my children so I concentrated on that. It is not meant to sound like they came second or third but to put them first and do them justice my own platform needed to be sturdy. I gave that miserable head master the evil eye and gave him the roughest ride I could think of and then I opened my eyes and my ears and sat and listened and then I acted – quietly and with the sense of that realisation and calmness that I feel blessed to have in my life.
I no longer have to force myself to go out since I have sat in the company of good friends and realised that not everybody wants something from me that I don’t want to give. I realised again that I wasn’t numb I was just normal.
The draining I felt from my partner was still unbelievable, it started when his name flashed up on my phone or I read an adolescent text or when I thought about a visit to say nothing of the time we spent together. Part of me was pleased to see him the other 7 8ths was relieved when he went. It was a case of ‘what now’ what new drama are you going to expect me to have in my life this time, can you really think of another new lie or false promise. Enough, we rowed we argued etc etc
No One will ever speak to me like that again and I lowered myself to the same level. I have walked away for my own sanity and the strongest commitment that I have made to him and myself is that I will never look back on this relationship. Every conversation I had with him only served me to question myself and what life I have built for myself. I have made a ‘ too difficult box and placed him in it ‘ he is now amongst the ironing and the decisions that are just too difficult to think about today. There are stacks of things in my too difficult box but interestingly the ironing is the only thing that has ever come out.
So as for me now. I go to work, I look after the boys ( and the three girls they have with them arrghh !! ) I potter around the house straining to do what I have to do to keep it right. I pay my bills, speak to friends and go out when I want to, stay in and wallow when I want to and that will do for me !! at least for now.
i remember saying to my partner that I believed that his addiction had done a lot for me in making me a stronger person in a warped way too which he replied. I’m glad its done something for you as it hasn’t done much for me !! I guess we all will learn our own lessons in life.
I am looking ahead considering a career change now my boys are older but that is three years away so for now I am just happy to sit, to stay as I am. Must be the longest post I have ever written and will stay true to myself and I will not look back again, not for me.
I am just happy to let it be
Jenny x22 December 2013 at 10:12 pm #3090moniqueParticipant
I am so glad you have written your own post. I have been following your brilliant replies to other members in recent days. You have such experience and wisdom to share. Thank you for your inspiration and all good wishes now and always.
Monique23 December 2013 at 12:54 pm #3091ellParticipant
i just read your new thread jenny . I missed you ! Im so happy you wrote again. For your post i olny can see a very strong woman. Sometimes i can feel that is difficult to be strong but your wisdom and your calmness give you the weapen again to stand up . I feel so good inside me when im reading that now you feel happy . Im learning from you and from your story . You are building a very good life now jenny . Stay strong with peace jenny and someday we will reach the point o totally freedom / I know that that time will come .
All my best wishes my dear to you and your fantastic children
with all my love ell.23 December 2013 at 1:32 pm #3092twilight16Participant
Great to read an update, it is incredible what a complete turnaround can be made once with pure desire.
Going back and forth in any unhealthy relationship is often common until it becomes old, and when the truth of the matter can’t be denied. It is a process and in the end you somehow get untangled by the lies and manipulation and you get out.
So happy to read that you have completed your degree and that you are working in a career that you have had your mind on for a while. I believe love what you do and you will never work another day in your life 🙂
Your boys are certainly growing up and now with girlfriends, wow. They must be good boys which is no surprise you being their mum. Just keep enjoying them as you know time just keeps on ticking even when we want it to stop. My oldest is 12 and has boyfriends per say, but I know that will change in the next years. I think I will not look ahead on that right now.
It is better we had become stronger, as you wrote, though in a warped way, than the opposite and became weaker by the addiction. Just as the addict didn’t ask for the addiction, we didn’t ask for the backlash either. However, the important part was that we sought recovery, and that is what made all the difference. It was ourselves that got ourselves out of the addiction’s hold and the misery it inflicted on us.
I wish you the best Jenny for the New Year and keep going after your dreams. I believe then we will live our fullest lives.
Love, Twilight23 December 2013 at 1:59 pm #3093
Monique, Ell, Twilight
Thank you for your replies. Twilight I love to see you pop up now and again, you have played a big part in my journey and always seem to know when to appear. Your ability to cut through the smokescreens is quite amazing.
Today I am veging around trying to hear what is going on up stairs. My old detective skills are about to be re born for a different purpose. What are they doing up there !!!!
Love to all of you
Jenny x23 December 2013 at 2:16 pm #3094twilight16Participant
We both are on the site at the very same moment…how cool is that? A big hello to a dear friend who was never afraid to give her honest opinions, thank YOU.
Thank you for your kind words and I appreciated them, making me see the real deal at times. I do visit the site often, sometimes I post and sometimes I just hold back as I feel that I can be too bold and I am not one to really sugar coat. But I understand that recovery is a process and often takes time, we often have to go back and forth as you wrote and I also did the same many times.
The important part is to start one’s own recovery and stick with it. Taking the little scary steps and just not being afraid of change.
To answer your question, I actually was running, about three miles every other day. I loved it but then I pulled my hamstring and now my heel is bothering me. But I am stretching and walking but running is my goal again. The feeling afterwards is so liberating…
I see group is tomorrow but it is Christmas Eve, so I am not sure if I will be able to make it as I am going to my in-laws.
MERRY CHRISTMAS JENNY!25 December 2013 at 2:15 pm #3095NeecyParticipant
Awed to read your post, so full of strength while at minute I feel so incredibly week. I only hope one day I will get to the place you are.
With love and gratitude for your honesty
Neecy xxx28 December 2013 at 9:46 pm #3096velvetModerator
I hope those boys were behaving themselves upstairs – Detective Jenny is a formidable force.
You may have noticed that I have not jumped on your thread – nay I am positive you will have noticed but I am also sure that you will know that I have been watching, just as I noticed when you stopped writing.
I could never judge as you know – the piece of elastic you were attached to was far too familiar! It is extremely hard to get yourself into a position where you can cut yourself completely free and there is no shame in believing you have done it only to find yourself being pulled back again.
The addiction doesn’t burst into a life with a fanfare – it works subtly, gradually demoralising its victim over years and yet one hopes, expects even, that recovery will be easy. You have been a fantastic supporter all through your attempts to find your own recovery – it is a method I recognise and sometimes I knew you were using it, sometimes I wasn’t sure.
I feel you have chopped through the bungee rope that was pinging you back and forth – there is strength in your words and in your support for others that is far stronger but please look after yourself first. These are not idle words – having you here supporting as you do is amazing but always, always take support too.
Unfortunately in our site transition, the posts on the Topic forum disappeared. It is still hoped they can be re-found. My favourite was always the ‘Wounded Healer’- it was the one that made me stop and think the most (about myself too) and I think it is great that one post that has transferred well was written by you in August 2012 – it is annoying that asterisks blot out words such as ‘needs’.
The addiction to gamble can ruin your life or you can use it as the greatest experience you will ever have. I know you can be healed from the wounds it inflicts but they are deep and they do seep and can re-open many times before they can be declared healthy and free of re-infection. I have re-read your post in the Topic Forum a few times and knowing now that it was written by a person whose wounds were open, I want you to know that I am here for you and that in a group you can be totally open – I can’t believe I am saying that to you but I hope you will take it in the spirit with which it is meant – I know you will tell me if you have any problem with my words.
I am absolutely delighted you are supporting others but please allow me and others to support you.
Next group is January 1st a New Year and new hope. Let’s make it a good one
V29 December 2013 at 10:40 am #3097
I have no problem with any of your words, I am more put off by the thought of you jumping on me !
When I first read your reply I was tempted to have a look at that post but have decided not to, neither will I read again anything else I have written at least not soon.
I do not see myself as being out of the woods and for me to look back to far I believe at the moment would be to my own detriment. I do not want to find myself in a situation where I begin to look at what could have happened differently, what I could have done differently, what I would do differently, if I gave it just another go – are you with me.
For me to do that would be the start of bad news to come. I cannot allow myself entry to the ‘what could have been route’. I think what I need to do is carry on going. I made a promise to myself and his lordship that I will not look back on this relaitionship and I will stick to it unless I choose to draw on my experience for other reasons.
I am stuck with a large puddle of residue from seeping wounds, namely a big dollop of distrust of others, but if i don’t get out there and make the best of today how is that ever going to change ? If it doesn’t change it can be made more bearable.
The alternatives are worse, dwelling on it all, moping around (not that I have time any more) is bad for me, filling my head with maybes and questions that can’t be answered is just no good for me.
Yes you are right – a lot of my replies allow me to work out my own stuff and that works for me, it particularly reminds me not to do any of the above !! and to make sure i really do look after me – hindsight becomes foresight for me – strangely, but just as long as i am careful.
Often I force myself to do things in the looking after me department not only because of what has happened but because of the daily hassles of work, family and just life taking over.
Like last night, my brother and his mates are all up from London so I was roped in to going out with them, didn’t want to but ended up having a great night. Today they are dragging me around the pubs before forcing me to go to a football match ( can’t stand football ) but I know I will do a lot more laughing than sulking so i’m going !!
I have had a really good Christmas and so have the boys, i’ve been out a lot with friends and enjoyed it, vegged out without dwelling and really just got on with it.
I thought i might have had an ‘there’s an empty place at the table’ feeling but it was just a thought more so than a feeling, followed by a thought of ‘that being through his choice for the addiction’ enough said.
So yes on the whole things are settled and good and if I keep doing what i’m doing they can only get better. I am far from being on the floor because i know my limits (finally). I no longer give what I haven’t got.
So back to work tomorrow. I have been off for two weeks which is why you will have seen a lot of me.
Do not worry, I know where you and everyone else are and have a great support network. 2014 for me will be about carrying on going forward and not looking back on the ‘could have beens’ they weren’t and that’s it.
Jenny xxx2 January 2014 at 10:59 pm #3098madge456Participant
I am so sorry to find your post so late – I knew you said you had posts but wasn’t sure which one it was – sorry, I am still learning the system here.
Anyway, I found you – and really proud of your “too difficult box” (how clever!) and your commitment to yourself to look forward – not backward. Your posts to me have been extremely helpful as I have said before and I wanted you to know I found you, caught up on your story and am finally “with it”, I think!
How brave you have been! So much sh*t you have been through, how hard you have worked at work and with your boys – I understand the mom thing alone is enough work for 25 hrs a day!
I feel blessed to have met such a wise soul – and if you don’t feel wise, know you are – so much of what YOU said have been responsible for the shift I have been able to make in my own life. Thank you! I hope you can take that in (sometimes nice things are hard to hear).
I resonate with so much of what you say about your kids, yourself and your life – suffice to say we are on the same page and I only hope I can try and play “catch up” as I follow in your footsteps of recovery. You have done a brilliant job and you, my dear, need to give yourself a huge hug!
Your kids are lucky to have a mom who is so aware of their needs and focused on doing what needs to be done for them – I hope I can be that way soon…..Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) my own fears get in the way of doing what is right by my kids – the “what if’s” are LOUD and I am Afraid.
Usually I can only change when it is painfully evident that the train has already gone off the cliff but is barely hanging on by the little caboose…I desperately want to do what is right by my kids and me but the fear paralyzes me and I don’t know what to do….For someone who gets hit and hits others for recreation (Im a recreational cage fighter) I sure am a chicken …. 🙁
Thank you for showing me how to be strong, how to move forward and how to (try not to) be afraid……I hope to be as brave as you are one day…
Thank you for your story and for continuing to believe in me…
M8 January 2014 at 7:52 pm #3099
I haven’t had a great few days, texts started to arrive on friday and have been frequent both day and night ever since, i had hoped i had seen the last of all of this. He had a new number so caught a little off guard the first time.
The usual stuff, i love you i hate you, accusations manipulation etc. I ignored it all until late last night when he ‘had something he had to tell me which went to might tell me etc etc,
My mind did the rest, I jumped out of bed, checked all my finances on line and in my file, all sorts of thoughts went through my head, all the old responses even though nothing was actually said.
I didn’t sleep well and today I feel drained – for that hour I was back there. I have managed to block the texts so have had nothing today thankfully.
I did reply just before I blocked him telling him not to contact me again and that he has done enough damage and basically to get lost. It gave me no pleasure and now I feel a tad sad.
I was in the vets on saturday afternoon nearly losing one of my dogs despite the fact that I had planned a good day and all I could here was my phone beeping as the screeching reached a ridiculous pitch, I just felt so under pressure.
Today has been a crap day, a draining day but I will not let this blip get to me for much longer. Everything will look better tommorow and i won’t go backwards.
Ultimately He set the scene I did the hard work and although it didn’t last long it was a harsh reminder of what could be again if I chose to go back and I won’t do it.
Now I am forcing myself to take my own medicine and plan some nice stuff for the next few weeks and I will be careful with myself along the way.
I don’t doubt I can do this but for me the only way forward will be a continued total estrangement, I can’t afford to go backwards and I refuse to.
I will never doubt what we had and what I know to be real. This addiction just sucks so badly.
Jenny x10 January 2014 at 1:23 pm #3100ellParticipant
I just read your post my dear,
I can feel how difficult it is when the time comes and texts or calls starts. How difficult is to manage our anger and sadness and say no to the addiction and cole the door for one more time .
I can see a lady who said no to the addiction and that is a win jenny.
I can see a lady who is defiantly determined not to go back
I can see a lady who knows what to do to protect herself and her children
I can see a lady who has knowledge about the addiction and she is wise
But I can see a lady who is straggling because she loves her cg and want him back deep inside her.
And I know my jenny that this is the most difficult thing to say, no to someone you want and love .
Some things are very hard sometimes but we can get up …and someday just feel free.
The medication (you know it) is to do things for you, go out, meet friends and why not and new people in your life ….that is what makes us stronger and stronger
Sometimes we are in the edge and sometimes we are more fragile but from my little experience with the addiction I know that when I stand up from something I was fragile I feel stronger.
Your recovery my jenny is your most precious thing in your life because when you feel totally free from this you will have win that nothing in the future will be so hard for not deal with it. And your children can see and learn from this that nothing is unsolved we need faith and love for ourselves and we can go further as much we are hurt.
When I was a teenager my father (he is dead know) I was in his arms and I told him a big problem I had . he told me what was the solution I was choosing and I told him and I was right for the solution and then he hug me and he told me that the hard thing is my baby to get well and recover after the solution .. He said to me that now is the time to cry a lot and find your relief ….time is the doctor .
I thing that now we are in this path here you and I know the solutions and we try to recover from this ..
All together I believe that we can go better … the help the understanding here and the advises and the others experiences is the best thin g we have here
Give yourself jenny the credits you are doing so well , I can feel the difficulty and ups down and the loneliness but I know that we can earn our selves back
I’m sending you a big hug and hope peace in our souls.
With all my love ell10 January 2014 at 6:57 pm #3101madge456Participant
How you have been in my thoughts since you made your post! I have been in our own personal hell here but wanted you to know I am thinking of you so much and how proud I am of you for standing your ground.
You are right – this addiction does suck – but you are fighting back – being strong for yourself and your children by not allowing this addiction back into your life.
I support you 100% and can imagine how hard is has been going from feeling better to all of a sudden be dragged back down into the dirt by your CG. But you are strong – stronger than this addiction and I urge you to follow your gut and don’t look back – Like you had said to me, no tears today and no prayers – just quietly (loudly for me!) urging you on – forward, in your own life with your own joys.
I have more to say but must run – Know I am thinking of you and sending loving and supportive thoughts your way. You can do this – you already have – stand your ground and never look back- your continued happiness awaits.
Thanks for sharing and being an inspiration for me. Knowing that set backs come up and seeing how your handled yours with such grace and determination only furthers to urge all of here at GT to grasp our own recovery and never let go.
Sending love (and cookies if I could!)
M11 January 2014 at 10:05 pm #3102moniqueParticipant
How are you now? Have you taken your own medicine?! However you have spent the past couple of days since you posted, I really hope things have improved and you are feeling better and stronger.
How is your dog?
Just wishing you well.
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