12 January 2014 at 8:05 pm #3103
Thank you all for your kind replies, Madge and Ell you are spot on and thank you for being there for me.
Yes Monique I have taken my own medicine not sure whether you have as well as you don’t seem to update any more.
My dog is fading and there is nothing I can do except to be with him right now other than to make the decision as to when he has to be put to sleep, all that can be done is being done and he is comfortable and not in pain and I will stay with him on the floor until that decision is made.
The addiction is so insignificant compared to a good friend who has always been there12 January 2014 at 10:46 pm #3104
I am so touched by your reply – I am so sorry your dog is near the end of days – Somehow we must be living in a parallel universe as I am going thru the same thing with our cat.
Poor guy is almost 20 years old(!) and has a huge tumor on his neck (along with other things.) We are seeing if anything else can be done for him – all the while listening to him wheeze and make weird noises – already been to Vet ER 3 times – appt with specialist tomorrow to see if that will make any difference.
All this is to say I hear you – when faced with losing a loved one (furry or otherwise) the addiction cackling in the distance has little matter. (On top of that my Dad had a stroke Friday nite – in hospital,doing ok, recovering,) but furthermore making me realize that the addiction has No Place for me – there are so many other things I need to give my focus and time to – And I know you recognize that as well.
Give your dog all your love, warmth and hugs and he will know he was loved up until his last breath – and isn’t that what we all want??
Thinking of you with much love and admiration…
M13 January 2014 at 2:03 am #3105nomore 56Participant
Hi Jenny, your post made me cry. I have 3 cats (down from 5) and 3 dogs and all of them are seniors. My pets helped me make it through the darkest days when nobody else was there for me. They are my family and I love them so very much. They give so much and ask for so little in return. After my daughter went away to college and my hb left to go to therapy my animals, especially the dogs, were the only reason I got out of bed some days. I had to walk them, no matter how bad I felt or how terrible the weather was. What kept me going was the thought that nobody was there to take care of them and to love them if I wouldn’t be there anymore. My 2 older dogs have health problems now and I know that I am living on borrowed time with them. Each day is a gift. My heart goes out to you and yes, who cares about what the cg is doing and what kind of stunts the addiction pulls at a time like this. Just wanted you to know that my heart is aching for you and your 4legged friend. NM13 January 2014 at 1:03 pm #3106velvetModerator
If knowing that so many people care helps, I hope you feel strengthened.
It is a privilege to be owned by a dog – nobody will ever know the secrets of our hearts better. In return for unconditional love, they trust us to feed, cuddle, run, play with them and sadly make the ultimate decision for them, a decision that can never feels right for us. .
As Nomore says, each day with a dog is a gift. Talk to him about all the wonderful times you have shared and when the times comes, take one day at a time being supported by those treasured memories . For what it is worth, I will weep with you when the time comes.
V13 January 2014 at 3:26 pm #3107moniqueParticipant
Thank you for this update although it is sad. It takes me back to autumn 2008, when my last dog ‘faded away’. The final days with him were very, very precious – I talked to him a lot, telling him what a great pet he had been for 13 years and just loved him, til he peacefully passed away.
I hope I do take my own medicine and am managing my own life healthily, although I have no ‘happy ending’ – or ‘happy new-beginning’ – to report regarding my cg. I offered to be a volunteer with GT a few months back and my offer was accepted, so I do not use the site for my own support any more. I guess that may seem a bit strange to those, like you, who knew me in the past, but it’s one of those ‘boundary lines’ you have to draw, when you move on to a different ‘chapter’ in a part of your life. I’m still the same person, but just have a different role here.
Thinking of you,
Monique14 January 2014 at 9:46 am #3108
I really am touched by the words of everyone who has written to me and I’m sure my dog would be as well.
At the moment he is still here no real change one way or the other, the vet has given him new stuff to try so this is the last ditched attempt. He doesn’t appear to be suffering badly but then his quality of life is not good either.
So the next day or so will hold the answers I think. He does look very sorry for himself I have to say. I put him in bed with me the other night because I just couldn’t face another night downstairs and didn’t expect him to be still with me in the morning – but he was
I am not looking after me because I am too busy looking after him, cooking rice and chicken and constantly checking on him and staying at home as much as I can along with squirting water into him etc. I resent having to be at work but we have a bit of a rota going between us.
I am being guided by the vet at the moment and above all by the dog.
Being a retired greyhound he to has been a victim of the gambling industry and all of these things are coming back to bite him ! His back legs are less able to support him because of the injuries he had, his teeth are not great due to the rubbish they are fed when racing and he is quite neurotic and easily upset.
He can also be a bit of a drama queen which I also put down to his experience of the industry !!
My middle son is 17 tomorrow – another one about to start learning to drive ! so plans to celebrate on the weekend. My youngest has just joined a gym and seems to really enjoy it which has shifted some worry for me as he now seems to have some focus on something constructive – he has been a big worry in the last couple of years.
When I eventually have time to start getting out a bit more I will have a whole array of taxi drivers to ferry me about !! so its not all bad – I cannot believe the age they are now and all three seem to be towering above me – where has all that time gone.
Will update again soon
Jenny x14 January 2014 at 3:10 pm #3109
I have a minute but wanted to send some love and support your way. How lucky your dog is to have such a loving owner – not all animals (and people) are that lucky…How you care for him comes across so much in your post – I am sure he feels all that love and it will carry him thru this world or into the next – whatever is meant to be…all we can do is be there for them and love them.
Pets are so centering – they remind you of being in the moment – that is all we have right? And they always love you back which is more than I can say for people. Hard lessons learned….
Again I see our lives parallel – my oldest just turned 16 yesterday..and yes, how do they get that old?? Its like I turned around and boom there he was 6’4″ and hairy! He is always my baby though as I am sure your boys are to you.
And thank you for your comment on my thread – I will respond there as I don’t want to prattle on about my life on your thread!
I know with your dog as he is it is hard to take care of yourself, but you need to find some time, even 10 minutes where you can give yourself something. We all know what a slippery road it is for us “over-doers” – taking the time to self-care gives your more energy to care for your dog, etc. I know you know this, but sometimes its nice to hear. Keep being a good mommy to your pet but also don’t neglect yourself.
Hopefully the new meds will help him – what is the dog’s name?- I am walking right beside you – thinking of you –
M2 February 2014 at 5:31 pm #3110
Thinking of you and your Dog..hope you are doing ok – hoping for an update..
M31 March 2014 at 2:41 pm #3111
It seems such a long time since I’ve done an update I don’t know where to start.
Firstly my dog did pick up after the last time I was here but very sadly he had what we think was a stroke about 2 weeks ago now so I had to have him put to sleep – still feeling the loss, very sad to lose a good friend.
Other than the odd nasty message from my ex partner which only served as a reminder of pastures old I am now living without the addiction and life has only got better. I believe I still carry the effects but slowly they are diminishing, time can be a good healer sometimes. There are some advantages though to having such a dreadful experience, I believe that now I am a stronger person and I have a much better insight to myself than maybe I would have had before.
I remember feeling nothing, dead inside and worrying whether this feeling would stay around for ever, thankfully it seems to be lifting a little – now that could possibly be due to going on a few dates with someone who has had the ability to make me laugh although it is a bit of a culture shock to me to be treated properly !! Watch this space with that one, more dates (with the same person !) planned for this week so who knows.
The boys are all doing well and I think this could be a lot to do with their Mum being happy with her eye back on the ball and a stress free home for them, I didn’t realise quite how much they were worrying too.
So away from the shadow of the addiction all is well in Jenny land I am happy to report. In fact I think I better slow down a bit – not used to all this socialising, the amount of baths and relaxation is truly amazing, if this is recovery then long may it continue !!
I too would like to say to anyone out there who is reading and not posting, please just take that first step, I too did all of the IFs that Velvet talks about and I have one to add.
IF I had not come to this forum then there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would still be struggling in a sticky muddy hole somewhere.
IF I had not come to this forum and plucked up the courage to post I think now about 6 years ago then my life would be very very different than the one I have today.
And furthermore I would not have all of you !!
So take a chance do that first post, if you were like me then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain – with or without your CG. I am without and I survived to tell the tale !!
I am looking forward to reading everyone else’s updates and I really hope to see everyone popping up all over the place, I am guilty of being an absentee just lately (some people may be relieved XX) Even though gambling is no longer in my life I think of here often and with affection.
So with that I will love you and leave you – hopefully not quite for so long
Jenny x6 April 2014 at 4:03 am #3112twilight16Participant
So thrilled to read that all is well in Jenny Land, as it should. I remember how tough it was for the both of us, which seems not too long ago. However, through the tears we made it, mostly from the support here.
This addiction did not take us down, yet it tried, relentlessly; yet we weathered the storm by refusing to be manipuilated anymore. Of course, there were little slips along the way, feeding in to the addiction because we loved the cg. But in the end we realized we could no longer do the same song and dance anymore. It was our recovery that saved us.
I agree life only gets better without the addiction, but we will never be the same having to deal with it. It taught us to be strong and to never let anyone manipulate us, but again at a very high price and one I would have rather never had to experience.
The positive side again is to remember we are stronger than it and once we realized this, we knew we could overcome it. This I feel should be brought to the cg’s attention in their recovery. This addiction gets too many excuses; it really needs to be put in its place 🙂
I smiled reading about this new person in your life. How are the dates going? Pleased to read that all is well with your sons as well. They must be basking seeing their Mum happy and sadisfied with life. I am doing well, busy with work, my girls and family. Life has never been better actually, I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, now that is priceless.
Have a nice weekend.
XXXTwilight26 April 2014 at 11:01 pm #3113
Why Why did this happen to me
What did this addiction mean to me
What was my understanding of the addiction to gamble
what is my understanding of it now
What was the impact of it upon me
what was the impact on of it upon my children
what is the impact upon me now
what is the impact upon my children now
what is the impact of compulsive gambling upon the relaitionship between myself and my children
Did I think about the impact that gambling had on my relaitionship with my children
Did I think about how my children precieved that to be
Did I care at the time
Did I want my partner to seek a recovery
Did that scare me
Did I fear losing control
Was I ever in control
Did I want to be
Did he carry on telling fibs
Did I believe him
Did I want to
Do I want to
If I do Why do I want to
Am I being lied to again
How will I know if I am
How will i know if i’m not
So what if I am
So what if i’m not
What difference will it make
Am I a victim
Am I a survivor
Am I somewhere in between
What am I
Is it possible to love and do things to another as though we hate them
Is it possible to love someone that does such horrible things to me
How many times do I need to be bitten before i learn a lesson
have i learned the lesson
what is the lesson
Am I sorry I learned it
or just sorry i learned it this way
Is recovery enough
who’s recovery mine or his
his or mine
what is a recovery
how does it feel
can recoveries meet in the middle
What is trust
Is it irepairable
What damaged it
What can restore it
There are just so many questions
Jenny xx27 April 2014 at 1:02 pm #3114velvetModerator
Recovery can be just as confusing as living with the addiction – if not more so. I think it throws up more questions than answers because in seeking recovery we are questioning ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our very being, resulting from an experience that we feel/felt is/was unnecessary, just a sad waste of our lives and the person we love/loved.
Your understanding of the addiction when it was vicariously controlling you was probably, as mine was, nil. Your knowledge of the addiction is now great but your understanding, in my opinion, is reflected in your post – you still want to make sense of the senseless, to tie up the loose ends, to have closure.
When I was learning to drive in Dunfermline which has steep hills up and steep hills down (Scotland’s answer to San Francisco!), my instructor was at his wits end with my deranged kangaroo hill starts and grinding gears so he asked me to pull over and stop before I crunched him into an early grave. He asked me if I was one of those people who needed to see/hear how things worked before I could take in the ‘what’ and the ‘why’. He explained, in simple terms what happened when I pressed the clutch, disengaging and re-engaging the clutch disc to the fly wheel. The outcome was that hill starts have never been a problem to me from that day and I have never (seldom) crashed gears again – recovery was instant!
If only it was so easy with the addiction to gamble. I can’t ask you to stop while I tell you that if you do this then that will happen or if you do that then this will happen because the ‘thing’ you are trying to understand is not mechanical and it has no logic, rhyme of reason. Recovery can never be instant. There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution.
I think, judging by your excellent support of others, that your knowledge is terrific but understanding is still impacting on you and I am not surprised, you have been badly hurt and healing takes time.
I doubt you thought of the impact of the addiction on your children at the time it was active in your life – how could you when you didn’t have knowledge or understanding yourself? There is no blame or shame in this – I wrote my thread on ‘siblings’ from experience not guess work. Your children will make their choices based on their unique experiences just a mine are doing.
I would imagine that it was a priority to you that your partner sought recovery even if your understanding of what you wanted him to recover from was limited. Understanding that our needs are not the needs of the CG is something I believe we can only learn.
Did you want to believe him when he lied – frankly, yes? Who wouldn’t? We want to trust, we want to believe that if we are told something, particularly by the people we love, that what we are hearing is true or everything is pointless. Your partner’s addiction needed you to believe in him and without knowledge you couldn’t begin to dissemble truth from lies.
I know it ‘is possible to love someone and do things to another as though you hate them’ and I would love to run a group just on this subject. Just pop in and let’s talk.
Asking how many times you have to be bitten before you learn the lesson is the same, to me, as asking how long is a piece of string, the only one who can answer it, is you. The lesson you are trying to understand is in a class for a manipulative addiction, not motor mechanics but you will get there – you will cut your string when you are ready. I remember telling one member that it was like being on a strong piece of elastic, a constant bungee jump and she could see that analogy as being her life. She had been pinging back and forth until one day she had the strength to cut the elastic. She returned quite a bit later and was living a wonderful recovery.
I believe that recoveries are reached on different paths, with different obstacles until finally there is the light of freedom that comes with inner peace and honesty. I became aware in Gamanon and with GA that these paths might never converge because with freedom and honesty there is not always compatibility, the original draw can be lost on both sides. I am also aware that many paths do meet and there are tremendously successful relationships.
If you are asking if ‘your’ recovery is enough to make a relationship work with a CG who pays lip service to recovery and actively allows it to control his life, then, in my opinion, you have been using a ghost writer to pen all your wonderful posts. If you are asking if I think ‘your’ recovery is enough to make a relationship work with a CG who struggles but wants recovery then the answer does lie with you but keep asking questions until you know what you really want in your unique life.
‘Your’ recovery is enough; it is enough for you to live your life with you in control. It is enough to raise your sons and be the person you want to be. It is enough for you to be able to cope with whatever life chucks at you. It is enough to refuse the addiction entry to your life again. It is enough Jenny. What you do is in your hands. You are a survivor.
V27 April 2014 at 8:23 pm #3115
Ohhow your post seem to cut right to the core of things. I’ve certainly thought all of those questions myself. I’m afraid I don’t really have any answers because I think I am further away in recovery than you are. But I wanted you to know I can totally relate to what you were saying.
It’s hard to wonder why and not know the answer. It’s hard to feel like every step forward could be a step into a giant pot hole. And it’s hard to feel like when you’re looking back that you’ve made mistakes that you can’t recover from. All I can say is that all you can do is look forward and look to the future. And make the best choices you can. You can’t go back and fix anything. And as lots of other people have said (who are certainly wiser than me) your children will make their own decisions and choices and take things in the way that they need to. You need to do what’s best for you and not feel guilty about what happened. And at the same time not be worried about the next step forward because nobody is a fortune teller and nobody knows what’s going to happen. All you can do is be true to yourself, love yourself and try to do what’s in your heart. I hope this makes sense.
Know I am sending you lots of love and think about you often. More often than you can imagine. You have been such a help an inspiration to me that I know that you will get through this And even be in a better place than you were before. Know the truth is already in your heart and that you will be able to find it.
You are strong. You are brave. And you will get through this. Sending my love from far away.
M28 April 2014 at 8:18 am #3116san250Participant
Just wanted to say ‘hello’. Your list of questions struck a chord with me. I believe as we go through the transitions of being a victim into survivor and then into thriver, some of us have a need to reflect on what’s gone before and come up with all these questions. At the time it is important to have the answers, or it seems that way, however when you are further down the road you understand you do not really need to know the answers and that everything that has happened HAD to happen to bring you where you are today.
If you hold on to it all, it can eat you up and you will not be able to move on. When you are ready to, let it go and discover a new type of freedom (it’s waiting for you).
We can only ever be responsible for ourselves no one else. Someone once told me that by rescuing other people, we do in fact stop them from growing (taking responsibility for themselves). Well the thought I was stopping someone from growing was enough to stop me in my tracks. It’s the same for children they love to be able to do things for themselves (if they are allowed to without criticism). And what a great gift to give a child to be able to cope with this world.
I don’t believe a child who has witnessed a gambling household will not be affected in some way, but a strong mother who has worked on her own recovery, has to be a better option than a mother who turned a blind eye to the problem?? Stay strong Jenny and work towards becoming a thriver by looking after YOU first. Best wishes San x2 August 2014 at 9:27 pm #3117
Absolutely still here, i read most days but don’t have it in me to post any more, the reason being is that for me to post and do it justice means that i have to remember the most painful time of my life, it meant that i took responsibility for someone elses addiction and that meant
I caused it
I lived it
it was my resoponsibility
I saved it
i tried again
if it wasn’t for me
why did it happen
it was my fault
why could’nt i save him
Slowly i learned to save myself slowly i learned that i was more important than somebody elses need to gamble.
Slowly one foot in front of the other i learned to look inside myself and think – not why is he doing this to me but more why i am i putting up with it _ is this all i am worth for gods sake ?
I will never bore anyone with any more details, it is enough for me to tell you that this has been a long cold hard fight and at the end i realised the only person i hurt was me.
But now !!!!!!!!!!! oh dear !! my life is so mad
I have three absolutely cracking kids, total pain in the arse !! love every minute of them, missed a few years because my life was so focused on believing that my happiness depended on someone else being able to control their addiction.
I guess now i can go forward into the new relaitionship that i am in now in in, with no fear, a realisation that no one wants to hurt or blame me, there is no addiction and i am happy
Velvet , twilight
it if wasnt’ for you i could not have written this today, I will always read , I may sometimes post but please don’t think badly of me if i don’t its just sometimes too painful, i have to go forward now
all my love always
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