Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Just found out….need some advice…..

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  • #4504
    Kmomma18
    Participant

    So im here because my fiance has a gambling addiction that i just found out about. It was brought up in october and just left it at i understand but i will have control of finances and if hes still struggling to talk to me and we’ll get him help. Well fast forward to beginning of december. I went to the hospital(i was 9 months pregnant) and bought something in the cafeteria and next day i went to buy a coffee and the card was gone. I thought i had lost it. So for the next month my fiance said the card company was screwing up and we werent getting our card in the mail. I was getting so stressed. We have a 4 year old and almost 3 year old and now two week old and bills werent getting paid. Rent electric ect. Just friday my parents sat me down and told me his mother told my dad he had been gambling the money the whole time…..that the card was never lost and we are about to lose our house electric being turned off and other things being taken away….all happening in a couple days w barely any time to fix anything. I just dont know what to do. Im devastated and never thought in a million years this would happen….i feel like leaving him but i just dont know weve been together going on 8 years. But how could you put your whole family in jeopardy like this? Me being a stay at home mom and now a two week old? I guess im here to try and understand and for some advice. Of course family and friends are telling me to leave him….and hes showed little remorse and very defensive. Im just at a loss…..

    #4505
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hello Km

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4506
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Km
    I have been a way for a few days and I am sorry to see you have not had further replies, however the weekends can be very quiet.
    Your family and friends are trying to protect you but on this site you will never be told to leave or to stay, you will be given knowledge that will help you make informed decisions because it is ‘your’ life that matters. Knowledge of your fiancé’s addiction will give you power over it and help you cope.
    Although it seems terrible that your fiancé is not expressing remorse, such expressions are usually no more than lip-service when spoken by an active CG (compulsive gambler) – it is only in actions that true remorse should be seen. His defensiveness is understandable, his self-esteem and confidence will be shattered and he is probably attacking to defend what he knows is unacceptable behaviour, learning how to speak to him and support him comes with understanding.
    Many CG use lies to cover for their addiction and the longer the addiction is allowed to grow the worse the lies can become. However I would not be writing to you now unless I knew that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
    I cannot tell you what to do because decisions must be yours but if it was me I would tell my fiancé that I had sought support for myself and found out that he is not alone and that there is treatment and help for him if he wants it. I suggest you download the 20 questions which can be found on the gamblers anonymous website and ask him to look at it – maybe he has not realised how far he has sunk into his addiction and perhaps this may help him see that his problem is recognised and also that in the right places he really is understood.
    In the meantime perhaps it would be a good idea if his parents knew that you were seeking support – I assume from what you have said that they know their son has a problem. It is important that your fiancé recognises that he has a problem and the more people around him who are willing to support him the right way the better. He will need to take responsibility for his debts as part of taking control of his addiction and changing his life. Clearing his gambling debts will only make it easier for him to gamble further as such an action only feeds a hungry and corrosive addiction.
    It is common for CGs to struggle with talking to those closest to them and as such, it is no reflection on you. Hard though it is, you cannot save your fiancé, only he can do that but the fact that he can save himself is the most important message to give to him.
    I will leave this post here for now and await a reply from you as I understand that matters around you were going to happen very fast. Even though your parents are struggling with their feelings towards your fiancé, I hope they willing to support you at this time – with 3 small children I would imagine you need support.
    I hope to hear soon from you, I do have a group tomorrow 20.00-21.00 hours UK time when we can communicate in real time and you will be very welcome and of course this forum is always available. We also have a marvellous Helpline which is here for you and your fiancé.
    Well done writing your first post
    Velvet

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