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  • #3712
    mamyth
    Participant

    Well I’m here …. apparently talking to myself lol I have kept a dairy of sorts and I find that writing is almost as good as talking. I am married to a gambler … There are those that prob wouldnt even call it a marriage anymore .. He left June 27 2014 (funny how it sticks in the brain) so yep 8ish months ago … It was like being hit in the head with a brick, completly out of the blue as such … usual complicated stuff … I just cant walk away from my Man … I understand he has an illness/disease however you wish, I cant fix it . this is happening long distance because he has moved away from the area …. well happening? … hasnt made any contact or responded to me in 4 months … I am sure he knows I am here, that I love him and I’m not ‘giving up on him’ I just hope at some point he will be willing to open the comunication lines again until then I can wait ….

    #3713
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    <

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #3714
    mamyth
    Participant

    Having an anxiety attack ….. panic, fear …. of what? Just txtd him asking for talk about the bills …. that he will just ignore it …. not ready or able to deal with it … simply is moving away from whole situation and wants nothing more to do with any of it …. I need to do things for me too … offering him an opening is for him also for me too … there is so much I feel I don’t understand …. for me I need to understand, it gives me a kind of control over my situation. Angry? no for some reason that does’nt happen … just a deep sadness …

    #3715
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mamyth
    You are definitely not talking to yourself – you will always be heard.
    Anxiety attacks are horrible and I hope you are calmer now.
    Knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you control over it and help you cope. I will try and give you the information that you want.
    It would help if you could give a little more information on what led up to your husband’s departure – for instance, had he been gambling more desperately than usual or was he in excessive debt? Does he accept he has a gambling addiction and has he ever sought help for it?
    CGs (compulsive gamblers) often disappear so that they can gamble for days on end without interruption or to hide away having lost everything, leaving them with a greater than usual feeling of failure.
    Even though he is not responding have you any idea where he is, is he contacting anybody, do you have family to support you?
    I am sorry to load you with so many questions especially after you have made such an effort to start your thread – I know the first post is hard.
    I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so – you are not alone and you are understood. I will look for your post tomorrow and hopefully start supporting you as you deserve. I hope you rest tonight because as I think you are aware, all the worrying in the world will not change anything but gaining understanding and caring for youself will make a difference.
    Velvet

    #3716
    mamyth
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet just having a reply is great .. the story …
    The suposed perfect relationship of six years 3 married … Iknew he had a gambling problem when I first met him … minor gambling ie weekly lotto, when we went to local pub on pokies. Then ‘wheels would fall off’ as he put it and he would empty his bank acc. Always paid bills first but anything left … gone.Never any fighting or violence in our relationship always working together, surportive very loving and close. Helping each other be safe enough and strong enough to work through any issues. Admitted to me he was ‘hopeless’ with money’ eventually admitting to me apenly he had a problem with his gambling. Aparently had drug addiction in his early life that he sort treatment for. Dec 2013/14 we ended up taking on a young guy (son of a very dear friend) who had got himself in trouble with the law and was on home detention. I didnt have a choice I do not lay blame for that. I do not deal with third party living with us … cg was mentoring, supporting etc giving kid what cg never got. I understood I felt left out, alone etc communication break down …. up to this point no major gambling probs … I dont think cg could understand where I was coming from … felt I pushing him away etc … started gambling, sneaking around, like a spiral … lost money saved for trip to my sons wedding, then part time wages all in about 2 weeks … I not scream hit roof … talk … I feel you need to do some thing constructive about this prob… he rang I heard him I was so proud …’I have a gambling prob and I need help’ … cg went to appmnt few days later .. all good apparently 4 days later ended up gambling again came home I calm, non judgemental … cg suddenly so angry, yelling … I said stop you need to ‘go’ calm down sober up … it was like his brain stopped at the word go , relationship over and he literly ran from house. Hid for 3 months to broke to gamble punishing self. At one point early on screamed at me that councilor had said he was not a prob gambler and I had a fixation. Managed to regain contact cg moving toward me emotionally. Oct I was getting support Gamb Anon I spoke to him about that and gave him number. Gambling counciler tryed to contact him he hit roof at her on ph and has cut off contact with me since … sori long winded … so here I am

    #3717
    mamyth
    Participant

    I now know he Is safe, working, have no idea wether he is gambling or seeking any help ….I think it called escape gambling by some … I now realise he put stratigies in place to protect me and himself right from day one … ie no bills in his name, no access to my bank acc/no joint acc, transfer nearly all his money across to me .. debt not huge just not huge …but I am unemployed/benifit. He has never said he dosent love me …just that I am better off with out him … I do understand some of the self esteme issues as he has always put himself down .. I support, encourage to build him up …. I know I cannot fix it or him … I understand I need to look after myself and be positive about me …. thank you once again … telling it helps me put things into perpective …. I feel calm and strong , peacefull … just sooo tired … I realise I felt the fear I what I might cause … but I did it any way, for me .. I needed to reach out and touch him with the txt ..offer an opening I no he may or may not take up , no other real expection of him … I cant let his problem stop me from doing what I feel I need to do for me .. I have 2 friends who support me, the rest have vanished lol .. my family think Im nuts lol , councilor Gam anon is very supportive altho not here to talk alot ….

    #3718
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Mamyth
    Thank you for filling me in with details – it helps.
    Knowing he is safe and working must be a relief for you, even though it has left you feeling confused and alone.
    If your husband has put the strategies you describe into place to protect you then I think you can be assured he knew the capabilities of his addiction and that he loves you but he still believes his addiction is the answer to his happiness. In my opinion he almost certainly believes that you cannot and do not understand him and there is nothing you can do to change that – he will feel misunderstood whatever you say.
    The best thing you can do for yourself (and ultimately your husband), is to put you first because if you allow the addiction to destroy ‘you’ then it has won another unwitting victim. Crushed by it, with self-esteem, confidence, friendships, hobbies gone, you can’t support anybody including your CG. I appreciate this is a message that doesn’t seem to offer much hope for a broken relationship but when a relationship is struggling anyway nothing will change unless someone does something different. You cannot change your husband, you cannot save him – but you can save you and ensure that you are not a piece of the wreckage of his addiction.
    Of course I cannot predict what will happen to your husband but I do know that if you are strong and in control of your life you are in a better position to be the rock for him to turn to, when, hopefully, he has finally had enough of being controlled by his addiction.
    Please don’t beat yourself up thinking what you could have said or whether your reaction to the lodger wasn’t right in his eyes. I spent 25 years doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons so I know it is impossible to deal logically and rationally with an addiction that has no logic or rationale. It is good to know that your husband did, for a time, accept he has an addiction although he wasn’t ready at that time to accept it in his heart. He had a seed of doubt and hopefully that seed will grow – how much better for him, and for you, that you have stood firm and regained your self-esteem and confidence.
    I think you are doing incredibly well and if there is anything else you want to talk about, or ask, I hope you will keep posting. There is a Friends and Family group on Tuesdays 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time – it would great to talk to you in real time, nothing said in the group appears on the forum, you would be very welcome.
    Velvet

    #3719
    mamyth
    Participant

    Thanks Velvet for your time and coments ….. knowing he had moved from a place that was very bad …. to a place where he is now working etc was such a relief for me that I wasnt even angry about him lieing to me about it …. I have txt him every night since I crawled out of the shock, emotional and physical that I first went through. A simple ‘good night I love you’ It was some thing we always did. He swore at me once about it I replyed that ‘The txt was not for you the gambler …..t but for my …..t’ . ( he could bar me from his ph or change the number … but hasent, so that in itself says something to me) I have a hope that it gives him something to hold on to in his darkest moments as it does for me. I have a friend that traveks to the place he is at and has met up with him … last time about 3 weeks ago …. apparently he always wants to ‘kno’ what is happening here … has said .yeah sure we could get back together easy, but it would only be a matter of time before it happened again’. He dosent say what ‘It’ is lol I asume he is talking about the gambling. Sometimes my txt include info about whats happening, what I have done, or friends. I hope, as I say it gives him a rope to hang on to. The friend is very honest and knows about the situation well … she feels he is still very confused. realises he has made bad choice, regrets this but simply does not know at this point what to do about it ….. even tho he is a long way away I hope that he will see my contacts as a form of support … as you say ‘ a rock’ I realise that unfortunately because of the way he sets things up it is highly unlikely that he will ever hit the bottom as they say and be arrested or what ever …. be forced to face his prob. Love is obviously not enough …. it is depressing but fact … I understand that he does love me but it is overidden by his gamb …. I still refuse to give up lol …. It is against every thing in me and I hang on to my gut feeling, my strength ….. In a weird way my trust in him ..

    #3720
    velvet
    Moderator

    Dear Mamyth
    It might be weird but I do understand what you mean. He sounds as though he has lost his way completely and doesn’t know what to do.
    A CG doesn’t have to be arrested or end up on the street to hit rock bottom, it is rather a state of mind – a point where a person’s life has become completely unacceptable in its present form and hopefully there is then an overwhelming realisation that change is needed. Why a light bulb should go off at one time more than another I have no idea.
    My CG became totally estranged from me and spiralled down into an abyss that held no hope – he no longer wanted to be the person he had become. I don’t know why on a certain day at a certain time he decided enough was enough but it happened. He had made a couple of phone calls to me out of the blue – I remember him still passionately denying he was gambling and I remember telling him that I had heard of a place called Gordon House which is the rehab for CGs in the UK. Two and a half hours later he called again and asked if the application form could be faxed to my home. We have never discussed this moment but I now understand a little of where his mind had got to – he hated who he was and he didn’t know what to do about it. This experience convinced me that it is important to tell a CG where support can be found when they are ready because nobody, including them, knows when that time will be.
    I do hope you rebuild your life even though he is not physically in it – standing still will not do you any good and it won’t help you husband. I think your simple text message is great. Personally I wouldn’t tell him what was happening in my life because he has decided he doesn’t want to be part of it but I cannot judge whether my way would be any better than yours.
    Keep posting
    V

    #3721
    mamyth
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your comments Velvet …. They are not as hard as you may be think they are … Your reassurance about the “light bulb’ has made me feel so much better. I have accepted the situation as it is …. I have my hobbies (building dolls houses lol and others) I am trying to eat well and keep busy. The financial side is hard …. I carry on … I cannot give up on ‘us’ and I look to provide the rock for him when he is ready. My first marriage was to a man who became a narccicistic control freak lol …. 25 years was enough of that … I learnt a lot about my self during and after …. I have slowly found the strengths again and altho the situation is very different I am using knowledge gained about my self again … remembering maybe …. It is a hard row to hoe as they say , good days and sometimes not as good …. I am a very stubin person when I ‘need’ to be … I spoil my self to feel good ($2 shops great for that) and I am smiling about myself and my life .. I have always been a ‘cup half full’ person and find the positives where I can …. This …. lol one bloody giant learning curve …. jus great to have some understanding!!

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