I know things have to change. Nothing seems to be working and it gets more painful each day. I tried everything I could to help him. I promised him a new life without debt and thought he needed a second chance. I thought I could save him and he told me I was the only one who could. I helped financially to pay off all his debt to the government, friends, credit card companies, hospitals….I learned to let go of the notion that he was in debt to me because we would be "one" in the future. We got engaged in April and he moved 4 hours away for work. I started planning for my dream wedding. I found GA meetings for him, urged him to find a therpist, attended therapy sessions with him, took over his finances, paid his bills and bit my lip each time he gambled. With each time he gambled, I tried to think of ways to prevent it. I created bank accounts, I started to track his movements with debit cards and questioned phone calls he was received. I felt like I was being cheated on repeatedly.
Two days ago, I found out that he had been buying electronics on his corporate card at work and selling them to gamble. He has an amazing job and he’s willing to risk it all. It scared me ****less. I am not the priority in his life. As much as I was busy trying to stop him from gambling, he was just as busy trying to figure out a way to outsmart me.
I know he’s a good man. I know he loves me. I know his parents introduced him to gambling at a young age. I know gambling addiction is a disease. I know I cannot stop him from gambling. I don’t know why I’m still in his life knowing of all this. I no longer think that he loves me enough to change. I am an enabler who gets him out of trouble. I want to let go but it hurts to think about letting go and having him be alone. I worry about him. I love him.
Since I found out two days ago, I told him things were done. He hasn’t contacted me since then. Is he thinking of me? Could I have helped more if he was living with me? Do the lies ever stop?
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