[levi]

 
Monday 07 March 2011 – is the birth of a brand new, improved me. I hope you will understand the start of a new thread as I begin, from fresh.  Forgive the length of this entry. I just wanted to get everything out of my mind and down in writing.
So as my self improvement and recovery journey is starting over, I am hitting the ‘reset button’… the following areas are going to be my structure and focus.

WEIGHT LOSS –  I am hoping to lose approx 20lbs (no time frame, just as steadily as I can do so) which will make me feel better about myself physically.
WORKING HARD/STILL ENJOYING LIFE – A balance I have always struggled with. I am going to very soon be starting my new full time job. I am excited at the prospect of being out of the house for large periods of time and with the added bonus of making honest money. I have a goal figure of what I hope to pay down from my debt every month, including after my bills are paid, and enough every month for a small treat. The treats will be important motivation and show me that life gamble free is worth living and prosperous. Along with this I will get a great satisfaction and feelings of progress from seeing my debt go down. I plan to enjoy life in small simple ways as I go along every day, making sure to be kind to myself and others, at all times. Thinking through all purchases and not WASTING money at any time. (Careful to remember that treating self is not wasted money, it is important to enjoy life in the moment, so the balance is something I have to remember).
OVERALL PHYSICIAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING – Along with my weightloss, I will be taking care of any mental, physical and spiritual needs as they arise. This will include; plentiful sleep, drinking more water, taking care of my hair, skin, smiling and keeping in regular contact with the Higher Power. I am also in the process of having a tattoo removed. This may sound insignificant and vain, even. But having this tattoo removed is symbolic to me on many levels. I am ensuring money that I do have will go towards this. A consultation will be booked soon with the view to have surgical excision later in the year.
RESPECT AND COURTESY – In my gambling haze I have lost sight somewhat of the blessings in my life. One of these blessings is my amazing family. I vow to treat them with respect and kindness at all times – and generosity whenever is possible, in whatever small ways I can.
and of course….
BEING GAMBLE FREE – It is about a week now since I placed a real (albeit small) bet. However, I have been playing since then on ‘demo’. Not any more. From today, I am not feeding that monster in any way. As a member here said to me so wisely, if you do not feed the monster – it will die. (Thanks, Pumkin). So… no demos, no nothing at all. I will mark this day as my clean new start in that respect. My urges to gambling are subsiding. My nerve to stake high amounts has certainly left me since being stung so badly. And I get no thrill out of low stake betting. So to that end… the loss of my nerve, is proving to be the biggest prevention barrier of all and is working well to stop me from doing anything silly. From now – I *AM* 100% Gamble Free. I have wrestled so badly today with the urge to gamble but my mind has for sure shifted its pattern of thought. No longer do I think ‘I’ll probably win’ (aka loss chase) it is now ‘You won’t win, so don’t even try’. This is my biggest piece of progress thus far. When or how this happened, I don’t know. But I just know I do not have the (false) confidence and the futile loss chasing mentality anymore. I want to hold on to what is real and true and not throw all my money on to the wing of a prayer.
I am feeling very determined, cannot continue in this self destructive mindset. Tomorrow is the start of a brand new shiney me. I want to look back in a few months time and see just how far I have come and how great I feel.
I’m happy to have you guys along for the journey 🙂 Thank you so much for this wonderful forum, the chatrooms, and the constant unfaultering support that is surrounding the members here. It is invaluable. ((POSITIVE VIBES)) to you all. I hope it is OK to journal as and when I can to keep track of my feelings and progress.
Warm wishes to everyone here reading –
Levi– 06/03/2011 22:34:14: post edited by Levi.

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