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    • #1353
      berber
      Participant

      Dear all,
      I found it time to start a new thread. Since I found out about my husbands gambling about a year ago, a lot of other secrets also surfaced and I could finally add things up.We sought help and my husband has been ‘clean’ (as they call it) for 5 months now. This does not mean that he has become a pleasant, balanced person – all of the time – as it is still work in progress. I’m not flawless either, I know – also working on being more balanced myself.
      On a daily basis my husband is trying to regain my trust, which is sometimes quite a challenge. We were on a short holiday, which was nice (overall) with some ups&downs. He had a sudden attack of paranoia, blaming me that I would be cheating on him with a mutual friend (which is absurd, trust me). It hurt my feelings, as I am his wife, supporting him and our family and child(ren). I took a tactic Velvet advised me, asking him ‘why’ I would cheat? And ‘why’ he would say this? Finally he calmed down and admitted that if it were true, he would have a legitimate reason to be upset/angry.
      The clouds cleared and the skies were blue again. Let’s hope for some sunshine again today.
      With love,
      Berber.

      Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!
      – Audrey Hepburn

    • #1354
      berber
      Participant

      Hi!
      I have so much to be thankful for, yet the day seems to be weighing down on me today. It’s been costing me a lot of energy, being confronted every day with the ‘CG in recovery’ as I am the one responsible for all of our spendings, checking receipts he gives me and dealing with everything that has happened so far: trust is such a huge issue.
      As many of us, here on the forum, I too have put my CG and his ***** before my own on many occasions and I am trying to find myself back. Some days I feel fine and strong and other days I feel weak and hopeless. On those days my husband asks me for patience and to look ahead and at how well everything is going.
      It’s hard. Why should I always be the patient one? Why, after all that’s happened, should I be the supporting one – instead of him supporting me? Yes, I want our marriage to work. Things are going well, in general.
      I just feel so ‘tired’ of it all some days… I have decided to (finally) get help myself. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist (she doesn’t know me/my husband) to try and become balanced again. I hope it helps and I can slowly become ‘me’ again.
      X
      B.

    • #1355
      adele
      Participant

      Hi Berber,
      Your mind, heart and body have been through so much for so long it is no wonder you are tired and frustrated!
      I think this is a very good decision for you to get help for yourself. I hope the professional you have chosen is a good fit for you.
      My husband has only just begun to test the waters of recovery, so I know we have a long way to go, especially when I see the challenges you and your husband are still facing so much farther down the path.
      With underlying issues of my own I think I may need to get serious about finding a therapist for myself soon. My general physician strongly recommended that I include yoga in whatever treatment I choose. Have you ever done yoga?
      The challenges we face are tough, no doubt about it, but I think I am growing as person because of them (more precisely because of HOW I have learned to deal with them), just as you continue to do!
       I love what Velvet said to you… "To make something good out of something so bad is surely one of the best things we will ever do?" I think you have handled yourself brilliantly Berber. Keep it up, I know you can…
      Adele
       — 9/2/2013 4:02:05 AM: post edited by adele.

    • #1356
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      You have taken another big step and this time it is completely for you – well done.
      You ask “why should I always be the patient one?”   I suspect from our chats you know the answer deep down but the answer just gets up your nose sometimes!  There are many people in life B who demand our patience and whether we give it or not is really down to us.   He really isn’t finding it easy – his brain just doesn’t compute like yours, possibly never will – but it will develop – he is a work in progress and sometimes that ‘work’ seems particularly difficult.
      You say you have a lot to be thankful for and I know the expression well – it makes you feel ungrateful that you are not expressing more thanks – well forget it!   You have had a rotten time and ‘today’ has not come easily to you.   It is costing you energy to cope with your husband struggling with ‘his’ recovery while seemingly unaware that you have had a battle too and I think you are entitled to feel a tiny bit sorry for yourself.  Overall things are going well for you – but all of us, I’m sure, have days when we could do with a special bit of tender loving care – unfortunately just for now you are the only person who can give it to you, so apart from seeing the psychologist I hope that today you do something just for you – a ‘pamper B’ time.  
      I think all F&F long for is for their loved one to stop gambling and it is a shock that recovery for both takes longer than expected but it is a recovery and although slow it is not a further drop into the abyss.   Glance back for a second and see how far you both have climbed out of that hole but don’t keep looking back – today is what matters and today you are seeking help for you.  
      You child will grow up and never know the man controlled by an addiction because he determined to change his life but also (and every bit as important) because his mother is a really strong and wonderful person who wouldn’t give in to her husband’s addiction. 
      You have possibly seen the following but somehow I think it adds up what I am trying to say to you today
      One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
      The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
      Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway
      It just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
      He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.
      They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
      At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
      Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down
      A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
      He was astonished at what he saw.
      With each shovel of dirt that hit his back,
      the donkey was doing something amazing.
      He would shake it off and take a step up.
      As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
      he would shake it off and take a step up.
      Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
      stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
      Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
      The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
      Each of our troubles is a stepping stone.
      We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
      never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
      As Ever
      V
       

    • #1357
      berber
      Participant

      Dear all,

      It’s been a while since I posted. Things have been going so-so, ups and downs. May have to do with my pregnancy hormones as well, and the fact that my hb has started taking meds/ritalin. He still sees his counselor (approx.) once per week, sometimes every fortnight and he’s still gamble free. The other day he snapped at me after both of us having a bad night’s sleep (yes, the baby is teething still!) and accused me of ‘sneaking off’ to work early and basically taking ‘me time’ instead of hanging around until the baby had breakfast and fell asleep again, and me having to rush out the door. I was so hurt by that comment; especially because I do SO MUCH for our family every day that those 30 minutes ‘me time’ should have been granted to me, times 10! All day it took me to get over it, I had the worst negative thoughts ever, even feeling quite depressed and thinking ‘what a sad life I have like this’ which is very unlike me.
      Anyway, that day passed and the weekend came which was nice.
      Hope to chat in a group soon – time flies and somehow I remember too late about group sessions. Have a great day!
      xxx
      B.

    • #1358
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B

      I hope when we meet in a group, as I know we will soon, that you will be able to tell me the painting is going well – is it oils, water-colour, pastels, or what? My husband goes to art classes and has not advanced much, to date, but he enjoys it and I look forward to the day I can hang something on the wall that he has done – instead of trying to guess what it is!

      I go dancing every week and I really think it stimulates. I do country dancing (well I live in the country what do you expect?) and to say I am good would be very far from the truth. The caller always runs through the dance before we start but as soon as the music strikes up my mind goes blank – the only good thing is I can see the same bewilderment on some other faces too. I come home exhausted and bruised but refreshed and regenerated.

      This might be cyber space but you have put your intentions in writing and they have been noted, so excuses will have to be brilliant if the intentions have not borne fruit.

      I hope the Ritalin makes a difference, now that he has entered a gamble-free life; he will have more space and time to deal with his other problems.

      Please don’t be hurt by his thoughtless comment because that is all it was – the comment of someone who was not thinking. It was a selfish remark and you know it wasn’t true so no need to defend yourself or let it fester – unasked for, unconstructive criticism only tells you more about the person who is criticising you.

      Teething is tough, pregnancy is tough, recovery is tough and you are living with all three. Give yourself a gold star. You are doing well

      V

    • #1359
      berber
      Participant

      Dear all,
      Since a few weeks my hb has been taking ADD medication and it seems to help him calm down and concentrate on tasks ahead. He has less mood swings (and so do I!) and I am feeling much happier than ever before in our marriage. We just found out that we will be having a baby girl in March and are totally thrilled about that.

      Our son is doing well also, he’s a little rascal and fills my days with joy.

      I keep seeing a therapist every 2-3 weeks for approx. 30 mins to an hour. She asked me last time if I was angry. I said “well, I’m not. How can I be? My hb has not chosen for this illness to happen to him and nor have I.” She said “Well, I can imagine you still being angry. It doesn’t have to be his fault but his actions have hurt you. It would be perfectly understandable if you are angry.” So I just thought, well, I’m not – I’m not an angry-type person so I can’t be.

      Turns out: I realized a few days ago that after that session something happened in my head. I had in fact been angry! And now I could accept that of myself and let it go. On my previous thread I remember writing (in July of this year) that I was not angry lalala..but.. in fact. I was. I was furious with the injustice that had been done to me. But now, that I can let it go…I feel relieved.

      It’s been about a year since God guided me to this website (I have no other explanation) and I feel very greatful! Thank you all for helping my family move forward.
      Hope to chat again soon!
      xxx
      B.

    • #1360
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      I was coming to look for you today if you haven’t clocked in, si I was glad to see your post.

      What a difference can be made in a short time when each day is taken one at a time and different management skills are tried.

      I think we would be strange creatures if this addiction did not make us feel red-hot anger.

      When you are not an angry-type person I think it is hard to recognise it amongst the mess of emotions that come with living with the addiction to gamble.

      There are many light bulb moments I think in our recovery and I believe that each one teaches us more about life generally than we had appreciated before. You now know you felt anger and you can recognise why others feel it – that to me is the education we can take to change us and therefore gain something good from something bad.

      I am so pleased you were guided to this site – so many have gained from your presence on its pages – not least me.

      You sound like a butterfly that has broken loose from its chrysalis and is ready to fly.

      It would be good sometime to see you in a group and share a glass of cyber wine with you and hear your progress. Cyber wine is of course absolutely safe with pregnancy.

      I wish all 4 of you all the joy in the world

      V

    • #1361
      monique
      Participant

      Dear Berber
      Of course, you feel anger about the injustice of it all – and other things, no doubt. Anger denied is often more destructive so it is very positive that you recognize your true feelings and can ‘own’ them. They are less likely to control you, then, because they are in your conscious mind and you can actively think about what is going on, what you need and what you can do.
      It is lovely to hear about your little boy and the little girl to come in 2014. I wish you all every good thing.
      Monique

    • #1362
      berber
      Participant

      Hi!
      Just a short note to give you an update. I have started pottery classes which are superfun, inspiring but unfortunately very difficult to fit in my/our schedule. I hope to continue but it’s not sure yet. I made a hollow Lemon which I am going to paint and bake, I like the saying how “when life throws lemons at you, squeeze them and make lemonade” … Teeheehee

      My husband has been picking up his studying really well… Working on assignments for hours and hours (sometimes even into the night) while I have no more time to myself. I want to see it as an investment, that he passes his courses, but,.. in my opinion he’s exaggerating. He looks stressed and cranky and it’s almost as if he’s back at his compulsive behavior. Except with gambling, he’s now devouring books! Not sure what to do about it, but I think it’s time we sit and talk about this. Soon!

      Have a good afternoon all.
      X
      B.

    • #1363
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      It is so important once communication has been opened that the door is not closed.

      The usual disclaimer: I cannot tell you what to do BUT if I were you I would not compare his reading of books to his gambling addiction. He has controlled his gambling and that will have taken a supreme effort as you know. Implying he has transferred his addiction could possibly trigger an unwelcome reaction. As someone who buries herself in a book, shuts the world off and can get irritable at interruptions but is not addicted, I would resent the implication that I am. I would not (and do not) have a problem when it is pointed out that my company is missed elsewhere.

      It is difficult I know not to harp back to the gambling addiction and see it reproducing in a different medium but if it is not happening then, in my opinion, it is dangerous to raise the ghost at the feast.

      Talk to him B but don’t forget to listen. Do it very soon and don’t let it fester. Remember you can always suggest he talks to others, such as his GA, about what is worrying you – reinforcement from outside the relationship is terrific.

      I love the hollow lemon – so much better to make them that to have them thrown at you – not much good in a gin and tonic though!

      Good to see you again

      V

    • #1364
      monique
      Participant

      Just a quick note – perhaps it is easy to see potential obsession/addiction being transferred to other activities, when we have had to be so wary of this kind of tendency for so long. But, as Velvet says, we all need to be able ‘to lose ourselves’ in something – a good book, a film, sport, learning a new skill, reaching a new goal, etc etc.

      None of us is immune from danger, but I tend to think of ‘obsessions’ (in the very widest sense of the word) as good, neutral, dangerous etc – ie on a spectrum. So if we get a bit obsessed by something that is at worst neutral, it can meet a need within us, whilst not harming either ourselves or our loved ones. Some obsessions are inherently dangerous or destructive, others are not. So I hope maybe you can relax a bit about these things as you look after yourself and allow yourself some freedom to ‘get lost’ in some enjoyable pursuits at times?

      Of course, even good activities can be a problem within a family setting, if they mean we neglect other responsibilities and I am aware you carry a great weight of responsibility in your situation. I know it is not easy, but stay focussed on what is good for you, as well as your family.

      I continue to wish you well.

      Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

    • #1365
      madge456
      Participant

      Hi Berber
      After reading your posts again, I felt “hey, maybe that could be us?” You seem to be doing so well and I am so happy things have worked out for you and your family. It has truly inspired me.

      It has only been less than 4 months since I found out about my hb gambling, etc and when his other addictions spiraled out of control. It seems like SOO SOO much longer..So keeping in mind that it took longer for your family to heal, maybe I need to be more patient for our healing? I guess until I re-read your posts, it didn’t occur to me that it hasn’t really been that long since I found out about my hb lies…certainly less time than he spent lying to me (3years + sneaking to casino during work). So your posts made me feel like since you had success, maybe we might too? Is that silly? I don’t know..

      I just wanted to say bravo for hanging in there (and with a baby and one on the way!) and working thru all these issues. You have been very brave, strong and honest with your feelings. You made me feel that *maybe* recovery is possible for my family too..

    • #1366
      berber
      Participant

      Thanks Madge, your post made me feel all warm inside! Sending you a big hug.xxx

    • #1367
      madge456
      Participant

      Sending love and encouragement, every step of the way…

      XOXO
      M

    • #1368
      ell
      Participant

      hello berber,
      I want to send you my love and you are in my thoughts…
      keep going my lovely berber you are doing so so good …take care your self more now with the pregnency you are the priority my dear..
      with all my love ell

    • #1369
      berber
      Participant

      Hi all,
      I really felt like writing a positive story after my hb, our son and I took a very nice city trip last week. After a rough start (husband would not budge & leave on time, causing stress) we had a lovely time and felt closer than in a long time.

      He’s been gamble free for 9 months, which I believe, as he is quite proud of this (as am I).
      All was good, until last evening – when (apparently) he was feeling stressed out and decided to yell at me for ‘putting too much pasta on his plate’ and ‘interrupting his tv show’ – trivial stuff but obvious to me that his mind is overloaded. He cannot handle stress at all lately.

      My response was quite calm (but hurt) and I did not speak to him for the rest of the evening.
      I understand the stress, but not his behaviour. This morning he continued to be rude and I have the feeling there’s something going on (maybe a conversation with his father that got out of hand) but he is not letting me ‘in’ (yet).
      Other than this, I’m feeling quite good and especially in letting him be responsible for his own life/actions and not taking on his stress upon myself 🙂
      Makes me feel more calm.
      XXX
      B.

    • #1370
      monique
      Participant

      It is good to hear from you and it’s good your husband is remaining gamble free. I am sorry to hear how hard it is sometimes, but I think you have prepared yourself well and have a lot of understanding of the difficulties. You knew it was not some easy ‘happy ever after’, but a path demanding committment and work. It’s great that you are more able to ‘let him be responsible’ for himself – keep on with this and remember to look after yourself in the ways you have found to be effective, so that you keep yourself strong and safe. You will find your contentment and peace, I am sure.
      Wishing you well.

      Monique

    • #1371
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      The positive bit was great and did rather put the negative bit in the shade.
      Learning to control the addiction to gamble does of course involve handling stress if it is approached in the right way as I suspect your husband’s rehab did BUT handling ‘all’ stress – not possible methinks.
      Sometimes small and insignificant things happen and irritate the calmest soul. Maybe putting the pasta in a bowl in the middle of the table and letting him serve himself next time will let him know you found his earlier reaction unreasonable – teaching him is still an ongoing process because he is still a work in progress. You know the nature of the interruption and the decibels the yelling reached when you interrupted his tv vewing– was the murderer about to be uncovered in the programme he had been glued to for 2 hours?
      Irritations occur in all relationships – it is the level of irritation and the level of the reaction that matters. Somebody who is worried would probably tut quicker but it doesn’t mean they are not handling stress – yelling does imply that stress is not being handled and the reason for the stress probably needs to be dealt with. Your husband does have ongoing concerns with his father and it would be better for him to share them so try and let him know that shouting is not the way to do it. You are much stronger than your husband B – see the yell for what it is – it is almost certainly not directed at you – it is probably an anger that is still boiling inside him.
      I don’t suggest you put up with bad behaviour because it can easily become the norm again. Ask him why he yelled. Remind him of the happy trip away and let him know you don’t deserve his anger. I am not in favour of the silent treatment as I believe that is when distorted perceptions fester, although I think it is best to walk away in the immediate aftermath of the yell and count to at least 10.
      You are doing well – it is best to stay calm when you are dealing with your husband – stressing yourself is not good for your pregnancy and doesn’t help either of you. If there is something ‘going on’ use your powers of persuasion to find out what – you can possibly do it by reminding him that you are not the cause.
      Speak soon
      V

    • #1372
      nomore 56
      Participant

      I’m glad to hear that your hb is still gamble free. When I read your post I was reminded of the classes I took and the books I read during my training program. There was a large section on the topic of relapse and this is also an issue that treatment programs of all kinds cover one way or another. What you describe in your post is very similar to the behavior my hb engaged in when he was gamble free but not really in true recovery. I learned that a lot of addicts might never drink/use/gamble again but will remain in “relapse mode”. That does not mean that they will actually relapse, as weird as it sounds. There is a book that was a real eye opener for me. It is called “The relapse syndrome” by Terence T. Gorski. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to read it. It might help you to understand a little better what might be going on in your hb’s mind? Just a thought…

    • #1373
      berber
      Participant

      Dear friends,
      Let me start off by wishing everyone a wonderful 2014!
      I hope to chat again soon, as my hb and I are on very different wavelengths. He hears things come out of my mouth that I never said and I can tell his mind is distorting things.

      Christmas was the best in many years, New years Eve definitly the worst. We cant have it *all* but I hope my hb finds his balance again and I can stay strong. I have some health issues and cannot rely on him, now.
      Ciao for now

      B

    • #1374
      madge456
      Participant

      Yes.. hoping for a happy 2014
      Wanted to say hi and say you’ve been doing a great job trying to stay centered. It is so hard with kids and other responsibilities. I too struggle with being sucked into enabling – if he is abusive or helpless I have to (feels like) almost physically force myself not to give in/rescue/apologize for the situation – good for you for not giving into the Pasta scenario and keeping your distance. It is hard to find the balance for both of you…
      I also resonate on not being able to rely on your CG – I have gotten very frustrated about it and wallowed in the “this isn’t fair” thoughts etc etc, but I slowly realized that got me no where. It sounds like you are beyond that, standing your ground and taking care of yourself and your own needs – good for you – That is a ray of sunshine – you are doing well and an inspiration to me…
      xoxo
      M

    • #1375
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      What was different about New Year? What was there at Christmas that was not there at New Year?
      To the CG in recovery, New Year is a reminder of failed resolutions in past years and concerns of failure in the year to come. Was your husband returning to his job after a break over Christmas? Was there a parental visit involved between the 2 occasions? Are the concerns about your health worrying your husband? What was different B?
      In recovery the CG takes responsibility for their actions but it is hard to forget the failures of the past at times like New Year
      I think you can, in time, have it ‘all’ but you do need to stay strong and your husband, in my opinion, needs to get back in touch with his supporting network. Responsible behaviour grows with time but any perceived set-backs in life do cause the recovering CG to waver and I am not saying to crumble.
      It seems to me he didn’t deal with all that he should have dealt with when he was in rehab – a counsellor can only deal with what is given to them but if the CG holds back there is nothing the counsellor can do. I think your husband needs steady and constant support, of the right type, so that given time all his underlying problems can be worked through. I don’t think this is your job – your job is to stay healthy and look after your unborn baby and your child.
      I cannot tell you what to do, as you know B, but if it was me I would suggest firmly to him to return to his support groups and the counsellors at his rehab. My CG ‘knew’ that he could/should return to his support if/when he struggled, it was part of the whole recovery process – has your husband been given such advice?
      Some of the ‘gambler only’ (evening in the UK) groups on this site are run by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and believes in constant support – he himself goes to GA without fail as well as being a facilitator. I think your husband could benefit from such a group. If you think this would be an option let me know and I will find out more or you can ask our helpline when it is open.
      Hope to speak to you again soon
      V

    • #1376
      monique
      Participant

      Hello Berber and thank you for your honest update. You have already had some wise replies, so I just want to send you my good wishes. It really does seem to take a long time for the full benefits of changes in the cg to be felt by the loved ones – frustrating, but not surprising, given the tenacity of the addiction and its effects. But YOU are not governed by that addiction and can keep your focus on your own protection and well-being. And you will experience your own growth and well-being.
      Wishing you all good things that you need.
      Moniqeu

    • #1377
      charles
      Moderator

      Hi Berber,

      I think we have spoken before occasionally in the Community groups. If not then I will introduce myself now; I am a Compulsive gambler myself in recovery.

      Looking at your thread I can see that you are already getting good advice and Velvet is supporting you, in the same way she does many others of course.

      I see your husband is nearly 10 months gamble free, that’s good. As the one year milestone approaches though that can cause a bit of stress, it’s a massive thing. When he reaches it it’s important he keeps doing the things that have been working, getting to GA meetings or whatever. We all use support when we want to stop, it’s important to keep using support to stay stopped/maintain recovery. At GA I often see people hit their first year, or another milestone, and think they have “cracked it” – it’s usually a mistake. Maybe get him to connect to one of the Gamblers Groups here, he can talk to other people in his own position.

      The best think I read on your thread though is that you are focussing on yourself, getting counselling and recognising things you yourself can work on, well done.

      Keep posting and keep focussing on you.

    • #1378
      berber
      Participant

      Hi all,

      Thanks Charles-yes, we have spoken before and I really appreciate your comments. I support my hb going to his GA groups-but he has not gone the past 2 weeks. Today he was not balanced (I thought “ah,well..we all have such days…tomorrow is better”) and he admitted to me that when he was supposedly studying upstairs today – something caused him to check out porn online. Of course I got upset as this is OLD behavior. He then said that he had not done that during his entire recovery except … On New Years Eve. I can’ t look inside his brain (phew!) but I know that his dad was yelling at him yesterday after a conflict he had had with his sister over the phone…things got heated and meanwhile he has exams this week. I am expecting things from him, (but thank God my health is going much better so I feel strong & capable to cope with things) so this stress is triggering his mind to respond in OLD ways.

      He acknowledges this and promised to work more on himself as of next week when exams are over. We shall see, I think.

      He recently went out for a game of pool after the GA meeting (isn’t that a bit weird? Especially since he shares very personal things with those people). And one guy tried to pick a fight with him… He is not one to stick up for himself or engage in the situation (afraid for rejection from the group) and came home feeling bad. The next day he told me what had happened and I encouraged him to confront that guy with his feelings. He did so, via sms, and felt relieved and stronger after.
      He set his boundaries!

      Hope to chat soon.
      X

      B.

    • #1379
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      Well the exams should be over by now which is hopefully one less stress in your home. Have you noticed a change for the better in your husband’s behaviour?

      Was your husband encouraged to keep a journal as part of his rehab? I am wondering if he would find a pattern in his behaviour connected to a common element. Maybe if he kept a journal of his present thoughts he might be able to recognise the trigger for his poor behaviour and deal with it.

      I’m not sure what you meant about it being ‘weird’ that your husband went for a game of pool after GA. There is terrific bonding between CGs seeking to live gamble-free lives. They share something that those without the addiction are not privy to and enjoying a game of pool together would probably be part of that bonding. They could/should feel safe with each other. It is certainly a shame that someone tried to pick a fight with your husband. GA brings CGs together by a common addiction but they are from all walks of life and are not the same. Confronting the other man took courage and hopefully will make them both stronger.

      Has your husband been to GA since?

      I look forward to an update and hope to see you in a group soon.

      Velvet

    • #1380
      madge456
      Participant

      Just checking in…I see you walking the road, trying to make sense of all its curves and pot hole – and I was wondering how you are doing ? It is hard when we or our CG have bad days to remind ourselves that good days are coming – at least for me, some times it seems like they will NEVER come – but your posts are uplifting and you seem to navigating the road splendidly – I am encouraged and lifted by your successes –

      I relate to your CG watching porn as my CG has done this a lot – you seem to handling this so well – what is your secret?? Whenever something happens to us like that, a set back. I seem to crash back to where I used to be – “it will never be better, he will always be like this, etc”…I am happy you have found a way to step back and see the forest from the trees – I can sometimes – but need reminding.

      Just wanted to pop in and see how you were and encourage you along the way…

      xoxo
      M

    • #1381
      berber
      Participant

      Thanks Madge, for your post. I had read it the day you wrote it but had not come around to reply sooner. It still *is* difficult to deal with my hb looking at porn sometimes, but when I feel strong I can stop myself from worrying too much about it. Lately I have been feeling quite strong, especially since I am due any day within the next 5 weeks to deliver our second child (we have a son, expecting a daughter now) so I am focussing on *me* more and on *my* health/wellbeing instead of my husband’s.

      He needs to walk the walk, which I think he is doing. He switched to another type of medication now – to help with his ADD and help him focus on the task at hand (his studies, for example). I am not sure what to think, since he does not always involve me in his feelings. He does ‘share’ his feelings with ‘fellow recovering addicts’ regularly (twice per week at least) at the GA meetings he goes to. I am glad, when he comes home he seems relieved and calm.

      Sending you strength and love.
      X
      B.

    • #1382
      ell
      Participant

      γειά σου πριγκίπισα
      I read your post and you brought me a smile on my face . you are almost there b , the time for the birth of your little daughter is coming . God be with you all the time and is is so good that you are now focus only to you and to your health . You are very strong b n now is the time not to worry for the addiction and your hb . He knows the the rules of the game.
      i m very happy cause you feel now strong and that is all that matters now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      you are in my thoughts every day
      you are a wonderful woman b
      with all my love ell
      φιλάκια πολλά

    • #1383
      madge456
      Participant

      How strong you are! When I thought today that I couldn’t handle my hb daily *crap* I thought “if Berber can handle her CG when she is about to deliver her baby, well, I should be able to handle this too”… So you are an inspiration to me – thank you. I am sending you love and strength and support as you begin a new journey with #2. My kids (all 3) are what keep me going – to be better for them and for myself.
      I am glad you are focusing on yourself and your daughter – you need that and deserve that.
      About to get on a plane in a snowstorm…more upon my return…looking forward to hearing good news from you very soon..

      Thank you for helping me be strong

      xoxo
      M

    • #1384
      velvet
      Moderator

      Happy Birthday Dear Berber
      You deserve all the attention your husband gave you – well done him.
      Such an exciting time – I feel joy generating out of your post and I am smiling and happier for seeing it.
      I wish you well in the next few weeks and my thoughts will be with you.
      I am having the whole hour again on Thursdays from 2100-2200 hours UK time without the 15 minute entry so I do hope that some time soon we will meet in there again, although I suspect it will be a flying visit as you will have another little life to care for and they do demand attention.
      Happy, Happy Birthday
      V

    • #1385
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      I guessed it must have happened when you didn’t make the group on Thursday and I am so, so pleased for all four of you. She took her time arriving but at last you can hold her and it’s all worth the effort. .
      I suspect groups will be even more erratic with another baby wanting your attention but I am sure I will hear from you soon.
      Your hb appears to be doing really well – trust him to look after them B so that you can get some rest – I look forward to hearing your son’s reaction to his new sister.
      With all good wishes for all of you
      V

    • #1386
      vera
      Participant

      Congratulations and Jubilations!
      What better to keep a CG’s mind off gambling than a new baby daughter!
      Welcome to baby!
      Best wishes to all!

    • #1387
      ell
      Participant

      Congratulations !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my dear berber
      It is wonderful news!!!!!!!Your children now b is your miracle !
      So happy that your hb is in te right path . Give him things to do now and trust him the family . Enjoy your family b you deserve it . Congratulations!
      with all my love ell

    • #1388
      san250
      Participant

      on the birth of your daughter. A new baby always bring renewed hope in the world. Enjoy and remember to take some ‘me time’ when you can. Sending love and hugs to you and your ‘babies’.
      San xx

    • #1389
      madge456
      Participant

      Oh Berber. ., .how wonderful! I’m so happy for you it’s such a special time when you have a new baby. Put aside all Thoughts of your CG’s problems and just enjoy your new family. I know I have been remiss in posting. There’s been lots of stuff going on just no real time to write it all down. But do know that I read the post and have been checking in and trying to keep up with everybody. That includes you, Jenny, twighlight, velvet at cetera. But I’m so so happy for you and its nice to hear something good on the forum. We all need some sunshine in our lives….

      give your baby and your little one a big kiss and hug for me .these are the best times.. Lots of love and hugs and kisses.

      M

    • #1390
      monique
      Participant

      And all good wishes, Berber!

      Monique

    • #1391
      berber
      Participant

      Dear all,
      Our family is doing well, thanks again for thinking of us 🙂
      We are searching for a ‘balance’ still, and sometimes it seems as though my husband cannot find his ‘role’ in our home. It is as though he is searching for a purpose in his life.

      To me my purpose is clear, now more than ever: I am a mom of two small children and taking care of them is my number one priority. I can tell he also wants to put them in the 1st place, but cannot always as he will be too ‘tired’ to change a diaper, or he has to run off to a GA meeting right at dinner time (without prior notification).

      I am quite certain he is still gamble free but I also wish for him to get up in the morning with goals and a feeling of meaning. I DO see in him a great father and head of our household, hope he would for once see it himself too.

      Hope this makes sense…

      B.

    • #1392
      vera
      Participant

      It takes a while for a CG to regain his/her Purpose in Life, Berber.
      Keep treating your husband as head of the household. You know his true role. When he sees you giving him his rightful status ,with time, he will slot into that role. Gambling damages our dignity and self respect but it can be restored.
      As mother, you are the heart of the family.
      You have your priorities right.
      Never give up hope.
      Work on the little things. One day at a time!

    • #1393
      ell
      Participant

      Γειά σου αγαπημένη μου φίλη
      I can understand how full is your day now . your angels is your power and i can understand how happy you are. As for your cg i m so happy that he is free and try to find his road. He is here b you know it ,we want the baby steps b as far we have stability , we dont want large steps- only baby steps with safe.he is with you b you can feel it . as for the household : my dear that is MEN lolLLLL
      Im so happy you are ok and happy .
      I will write my upadate b but yes im ok and everything goes well . I just run with my dautgher health 2 months now she is now 2.5 years old . we found extra problems with her thyroid and with her cholesterol . She is a baby and her cholesterol is so so hight and that is a problem now, but there are solutions and im learning the problem (for babies) and the medicines , it is hereditary from her father. i will be ok but i want to finish all the check up with all the doctors and then i will calm .
      BE happy berber
      θα σε συναντήσω σύντομα
      φιλάκια
      ell

    • #1394
      berber
      Participant

      Wishing you strength in this difficult time with your daughters health problems.
      Filakia Koukla!

    • #1395
      monique
      Participant

      I’m sorry you are hearing this nasty accusation, when you are so busy being a mother of young children. It must be so hard to hear these things from the father/husband, when you just long for him to be there for you and the little ones, emotionally and practically.

      As ever, we as family members have to look for the support and encouragement for ourselves, where we can get it. If the ‘ideal’ is not there, we try to live with that and focus on how we can care for ourselves as best we can, not wasting energy on worrying about what we have NOT got! I know you know all this and I know it is tough. I hope it helps to express your feelings here.

      Wishing you good things.
      Monique

    • #1396
      berber
      Participant

      Dear all,

      Things with us have been going stable and somewhat up & down, but since a few days my husband is not taking any medication anymore (he ran out & decided he wants to stop taking pills for his ADHD) – and I can see Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde behavior again. Tirades followed by apologies & excuses (“it’s not me, I can’t take responsibility for my actions: it’s because of the withdrawal”) are exhausting me.

      Last night he got really angry because I had not cleared out our dish washer and I had asked him to clean up after dinner. I guess it’s all just too much for him or something, but he made me feel bad. Especially since I do have the feeling I am ‘working really hard’ trying to be the best mom I can be.

      He also cleared away all of our appliances we have in the windowsill, and there was dust & a few dead flies/mosquitos underneath. He pointed at it and said that I am such a bad housewife and can’t keep things clean.

      Then, in the middle of the night our son of almost 2 years old woke up upset, and I did not hear him at first because I was just so tired and fast asleep. My husband is always loving to our kids – went over and comforted him. But then he came back to snap at me (and wake me up!) ‘how could you just sleep through his cries!’

      I feel mentally strong, still, but also beaten up.
      He is in touch with a psychiatrist & psychologist a lot today (seems like the world is evolving around HIM today) and I am rolling with the punches.

      On one hand I feel sorry, he is obviously depressed and struggling – on the other hand it’s maddening. He should take responsibility!
      I asked him, “can you not have your withdrawal out of the house, go somewhere else?” He refuses to leave. I am trying to take things easy and ignore his moodswings. But it’s hard.

      Luckily our two wonderful children give so much affection and expect the same from me: that gives me strength!

      Love from a strong & determined to stay calm and positive: Berber.

      p.s. any solutions on getting him out of the house so I can have some rest? Leaving myself is not really an option at the mo

    • #1397
      berber
      Participant

      Ok, he has just left for his GA meeting.
      I feel better slowly but surely.

      X

      B.

    • #1398
      ell
      Participant

      I can undesrand that is difficult when your cg is angry about everything but he tries to find his role..
      Berber my first worry is you , I really im glad that you know that you can search and find the strength and the power to be calm. You know your role berber you are a mother with 2 children and that is your priority and your happiness.

      I think that you hb doesn’t know his role. He doesn’t have a role .He is still searching He tries with the household and the kids but I think he needs something else ….
      And when he see you he see a determine woman with a clear role . You choose to be a mother and you are doing it perfect. He sees that and he gets angry because his mind is not clear .
      I don’t know if he works now berber ? Is he? Or he is all the time home with you and the kids and he Is going only to the meetings GA. 24 hours together it is a little difficult .
      Someone stops nagging or be hard with the other when he has something else to think, something that give him a sense that he gives to his family too . He is the man he wants to be a step higher from you .I think that he is confused.
      I know that you will handle the situation, you are very strong and I believe in you . And I hope now the summer to go somewhere and just relax. You deserve it
      See you again soon
      My lovely berber
      Καλό καλοκαίρι
      τι να πεις για τους άντρες, ?

    • #1399
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      I have just seen your post and I am even I am even more sorry than I was that we only had a couple of words in the group.
      Controlling an addiction isn’t easy and you husband is not making it any easier stopping his medication. I hope he will come clean with his unacceptable behaviour at his GA meeting and come home in a better frame of mind.
      I think Ell has made some terrific points, you do appear to be living on top of each other and you need to breathe. Does he tell you what the psychologist and psychiatrist say to him..
      Short of telling him you want him to leave and give you a break I can’t think of any ‘polite’ way of getting him out of the house – I know I would feel the same.
      I am being called to go but I will write again soon – I just wanted to get something to you after not being able to talk to you enough tonight.
      V

    • #1400
      berber
      Participant

      Hi,

      Thanks for your feedback Ell and Velvet, he came home late last night after having visited 2 different GA meetings which both did not give him what he needed (this morning he was complaining about the bad quality of the meetings) – I carefully suggested he could have maybe done something about it but he got right back to being cranky.

      I think he needs praise, but i feel i have been overpraising already.

      No he does not tell me what he tells his psychologists, but he feels they are good.
      Yes we are mostly together 24/7 as i am minding the kids and he works from home (somewhat…)

      Sorry we couldnt chat, wee ones were a bit unruly 😉

      Have a nice weekend y’all
      -xxx-

      B.

    • #1401
      berber
      Participant

      So, after a week of negativity in the house we (I) decided to call a truce. Our son got sick with a high fever the past days and with nursing the baby I had my hands full. Yesterday was nice, we went for a walk and I thought we were ‘ok’ even though my hb was complaining about petty things, trying to drain energy…

      This morning, I made us all breakfast – and he confesses that he has been watching porn on the computer (again) yesterday. Turns out, all afternoon and evening while I am sleep deprived (suffering insomnia too!), taking care of the family and our house, he was bathing-in-his-sex-addiction.

      I am aware that some do not think of this as an addiction, but since my husband DOES, I told him that this is then a relapse. He cannot be with us (as I wrote to him in my intervention/impact letter) and asked him to leave. He left, with a bible, to go to a meeting and I cannot have him in the house today anymore. I feel betrayed and hurt, grrr – he claims this was nothing more than a ‘slip’ but I don’t care what he calls it. His attitude sucks.

      Anyone have advice on whether I am doing the right thing? Maybe recovering addicts can shine a light on his lack of impulse control?

      Thanks.
      X
      B.

      p.s. last Friday again he started accusing me of having an affair when all I did was take our son to the playground. *sigh*

    • #1402
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      You have not made a knee-jerk reaction, you have knowledge and you made a decision, it is not for anybody else to judge that decision.
      I have been with you through all your ups and downs since you came on this site and have hoped that your husband would change his life in accordance with the teaching of his rehab but he doesn’t appear to be prepared to accept and change. I agree with you that it doesn’t matter if other people think that porn is an addiction, or not, the fact that your husband does, means he is accepting that he is relapsing into behaviour that is unacceptable.
      You know better than anyone the problems your husband had growing up with the lack of good support from his parents but he has now been into rehab, seen psychiatrists psychologists, is in 2 GA groups and had your loyal support – I can’t think of anything more you could do.
      I could and would never say that I thought it was right for anyone to stay or leave a relationship but I am of the opinion that limits are reached and it is right to acknowledge them and not pretend they do not exist. I would be doing you a disservice if I did not admit that I reached my limit and that if estrangement had not taken place, it is probable that nothing would have changed in my life or my CGs.
      This is another painful and difficult time for you B. The future will seem unclear but focus on your health and the happiness of your children and live one day at a time.
      I hope we get longer to talk next time but until then I wish you well.
      V

    • #1403
      ell
      Participant

      Hi b,
      Im sorry for the relapse b ,
      Berber if I was in your place I would have done the same thing. I don’t know if it is the right decision or not but I would have done exactly the same thing.
      He stopped the medication? Is he taking the pills now? Or the relapse is tied with the no medications?
      I don’t know b , I think (and I’m sorry for that) that something not goes well with the addiction of your hb . I think that he lost because he is tirted the meaning of the loyalty for his recovery and he must try to find it again . I think he is tired and confused .
      Berber I realize in my relationship that when im lovely or have a tolerant behavior, my cg always seems to be complacency but when I m hard(not always) and tough and don’t go back he has always alertness . He told me that he doesn’t forget the meaning to be clean and lose his family.
      It is time now b to focus on you and your children. You have your priorities and of course your limits.
      My advice is please if you have to speak with your hb just speak for the necessary , nothing more . You need some days off . You need to find you and how you will react to a relapse . Give the time you need . And not have him there is very good. Relapse is something NEW now . try to find your power now..
      i know that you feel angry and betrayed …but you know the addiction berber , you know well how it is try to find your power again and
      Just think how happy you can be when your children hags you and smile at you !!!!!!!!!!!
      You are in my thoughts
      Love ell

    • #1404
      jenny46
      Participant

      I think if you’ve made the decision not to live with an addiction, then it has to be followed through.

      I have also heard people say that ‘slips’ can be a part of recovery and it is what people do with them that counts.

      I also think that there comes a time when all the theorising and mumbo jumbo surrounding this addiction gives people way too much ‘wriggle room’.

      It is possible to find too many reasons for poor behaviour. Hanging the hat of the addiction on his extremely rude and uncalled for comments is almost a get out. Would you tolerate those comments from someone who did not have addictions. I am hoping the answer will be no ? and if it is No then why is this different.

      Its completely disrespectful and insulting is what it is. I am pleased he has taken his bible with him perhaps he may open it and learn something or maybe he needs a larger print version.

      What ever you decide to do Berber, must be right for you and your children. Who knows if it goes on for long enough it may even feel like there is one less child around, one that is old enough to know better.

      I hope you regain some peace in your life, it would certainly be well deserved

      Jenny

    • #1405
      monique
      Participant

      I can see from your posts that you are going through a very difficult time. But you are also being strong and practical – maybe you do not feel as if this is so, but you are actually being quite amazing. It’s good you post and keep the forum updated, so you can get support and care.

      Very best wishes,

      Monique

    • #1406
      berber
      Participant

      Hi y’all,

      We are taking things one day at a time again. My hb was out of the house for like 14 hrs, doing heavy thinking and it helped us both. I am also working on self-reflection and finding ways to keep our ‘fights’ clean, controlling my temper too. Luckily the kids are healthy again and indeed, Ell, their hugs make my day!
      Have a good Sunday.

      XOXO

    • #1407
      berber
      Participant

      Hi,

      Time for a quick update. Things in our household are going with ups and downs, and I am recognizing patterns of stress with more ease (exam period=cranky husband) . As he is a master of procrastination, we have decided that it may be best for us to redefine our tasks. I have a new pt job and he will be stay-at-home dad for the days I am away.
      I am a person who likes things done my way (arent we all?) and a bit of a control freak, so its a big step for me to let the reigns loose.
      We will see how things go, I am confident that having set tasks to occupy my cg’s mind will help him get more structured and being away from home will help me find “myself” again. I have felt a bit lost…

      Have a great gamble free weekend all.
      X

      B.

    • #1408
      berber
      Participant

      Hi friends,

      It’s been a while since I was here, and things are quite similar. Apart from my job, i work outside the house 3 days a week: which I love!

      My hb is gamble-free and will be for two years soon. His unstable emotions and touchy attitude is still hard to handle. Yet again, he accuses me of having an affair but…I don’t care anymore what he thinks as I know The truth and that I am honest.

      After long days at work or minding the kids there’s nothing that depletes me more than good old arguments with Mr.hotpants/ touchy who cannot recognize a joke nor let me “be”.

      I refuse to be pulled down and I do wonder sometimes “why ” i am sticking around. Still.
      Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it doubt whether I do love him still? Will he change? Have I given up?

      Talk to you soon. He is at GA so i can go to bed calm, serene and EARLY. 🙂

      Love,

      B.

    • #1409
      nomore 56
      Participant

      Hi Berber, two yrs is a great accomplishment. However, it sounds like he is white-knuckling it right now, kinda like a dry drunk. Not gambling but still in gambling mode so to speak? I don’t know if you know the book “The relapse syndrome” by Terrence Gorski and maybe I mentioned it before. This helped me tremendously to understand why my hb in all the years he didn’t gamble (11 after the first treatment and about 4 after the second) was still hard to deal with on a daily basis for several reasons. It all sounds to darn familiar to me.

    • #1410
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi B
      I have missed you recently. You have popped up on San’s thread and got me wondering how you are too.
      An update would be very, very welcome
      V

    • #1411
      berber
      Participant

      Hi!

      Thanks for your message. I have been pretty good,should not complain as I have a nice job and the kids are well. The relationship with my husband has ups and down, lots to do with his over-sensitivity whenever I comment on *anything* he does. We did have a Date Night recently though, which gave us the opportunity to reconnect again, but I do still doubt sometimes whether I can get over our past issues or not. He is still gamble free, since over 2 years and going to GA at least 2-3 times per week.

      Hope you are well!

      Xox

    • #1412
      velvet
      Moderator

      Dear B
      Complaining is fine – holding things in is what makes problems seem insurmountable.
      I have been thinking a lot recently about recovery and the whys and wherefores of the problems attached to it. The non-CG wants nothing more than that their loved one controls his/her addiction – they know what the addiction has done to them so surely if the addiction is controlled life should be perfect – but is this a fair assumption?
      None of us are one dimensional, we are all individuals and vastly different. When a CG controls his/her addiction the despair, confusion and pain of the addiction can be resolved but there is so much more to a person than just their addiction – they can still be confused and despairing about life, they can still be reticent, pessimistic, jealous, lacking in confidence, over sensitive. It is understandable that even with massive change it is unlikely that everything will drop into place and be perfect; a relationship cannot be guaranteed to succeed.
      Your husband had a difficult time growing up and has reasons in his life to be confused and despairing. In rehab he learned to control his addiction but unfortunately he does not seem to have dealt with, or been encouraged to deal with the rest of him.
      I have missed you B especially knowing that you have many issues unresolved. I am concerned for you – it would be good to ‘chat’ again in the privacy of a group.
      V

    • #1413
      berber
      Participant

      g’evening,
      Just thought I’d write since it’s been so long. My husband is gamble free still, I am glad about this of course. He has been going to his GA meetings weekly up until about 6 weeks ago, when he went to a retreat to finish step 3 & 4 with his sponsor. Ever since he came back he seems less motivated to continue working on his steps.

      Furthermore, I caught him watchingporn again, which started to become compulsive (daily) and a true turnoff for me.
      On top of that I dont think he loves me (how can he when he doesnt love himself?) and he -again- accused me of cheating. Argggh.
      So yeah, I’m here but not happy with my husband a lot of the time but also not ready/willing to give up.

      Have a nice weekend.

    • #1414
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hey B
      It is good to hear from you. It is good to hear your husband is still gamble free. It is not good to hear that the other problems have not gone away.
      It seems to me that watching porn as he does comes under Step 4 and I am wondering if he didn’t like what he saw in himself when he went to the retreat.. Maybe it would help to discuss this Step with him or ask him how he felt on the Retreat. Is he still in contact with his sponsor?
      Of course I cannot know anymore than you whether he loves you or not but clearly he is still struggling with himself. Are his parents still a major factor in your lives?
      It’s been a while B and I don’t know what has happened in the meantime. Did he complete his course to become a teacher? How is your job?
      You were asking yourself in a previous post;- why ” i am sticking around.

      Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it doubt whether I do love him still? Will he change?
      I know you do a lot of thinking and I wonder if you have come to any conclusions over these questions.
      Finally — How are your lovely children? Are your husband’s fathering skills progressing?
      You say you are not happy with your husband a lot of the time – are you therefore happy with him for some of the time and if so what does that happiness entail?
      Speak again soon B – I missed you
      V

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