18 November 2013 at 11:33 am #1368ellParticipant
I want to send you my love and you are in my thoughts…
keep going my lovely berber you are doing so so good …take care your self more now with the pregnency you are the priority my dear..
with all my love ell16 December 2013 at 9:44 am #1369
I really felt like writing a positive story after my hb, our son and I took a very nice city trip last week. After a rough start (husband would not budge & leave on time, causing stress) we had a lovely time and felt closer than in a long time.
He’s been gamble free for 9 months, which I believe, as he is quite proud of this (as am I).
All was good, until last evening – when (apparently) he was feeling stressed out and decided to yell at me for ‘putting too much pasta on his plate’ and ‘interrupting his tv show’ – trivial stuff but obvious to me that his mind is overloaded. He cannot handle stress at all lately.
My response was quite calm (but hurt) and I did not speak to him for the rest of the evening.
I understand the stress, but not his behaviour. This morning he continued to be rude and I have the feeling there’s something going on (maybe a conversation with his father that got out of hand) but he is not letting me ‘in’ (yet).
Other than this, I’m feeling quite good and especially in letting him be responsible for his own life/actions and not taking on his stress upon myself 🙂
Makes me feel more calm.
B.16 December 2013 at 11:20 am #1370moniqueParticipant
It is good to hear from you and it’s good your husband is remaining gamble free. I am sorry to hear how hard it is sometimes, but I think you have prepared yourself well and have a lot of understanding of the difficulties. You knew it was not some easy ‘happy ever after’, but a path demanding committment and work. It’s great that you are more able to ‘let him be responsible’ for himself – keep on with this and remember to look after yourself in the ways you have found to be effective, so that you keep yourself strong and safe. You will find your contentment and peace, I am sure.
Wishing you well.
Monique16 December 2013 at 12:38 pm #1371
The positive bit was great and did rather put the negative bit in the shade.
Learning to control the addiction to gamble does of course involve handling stress if it is approached in the right way as I suspect your husband’s rehab did BUT handling ‘all’ stress – not possible methinks.
Sometimes small and insignificant things happen and irritate the calmest soul. Maybe putting the pasta in a bowl in the middle of the table and letting him serve himself next time will let him know you found his earlier reaction unreasonable – teaching him is still an ongoing process because he is still a work in progress. You know the nature of the interruption and the decibels the yelling reached when you interrupted his tv vewing– was the murderer about to be uncovered in the programme he had been glued to for 2 hours?
Irritations occur in all relationships – it is the level of irritation and the level of the reaction that matters. Somebody who is worried would probably tut quicker but it doesn’t mean they are not handling stress – yelling does imply that stress is not being handled and the reason for the stress probably needs to be dealt with. Your husband does have ongoing concerns with his father and it would be better for him to share them so try and let him know that shouting is not the way to do it. You are much stronger than your husband B – see the yell for what it is – it is almost certainly not directed at you – it is probably an anger that is still boiling inside him.
I don’t suggest you put up with bad behaviour because it can easily become the norm again. Ask him why he yelled. Remind him of the happy trip away and let him know you don’t deserve his anger. I am not in favour of the silent treatment as I believe that is when distorted perceptions fester, although I think it is best to walk away in the immediate aftermath of the yell and count to at least 10.
You are doing well – it is best to stay calm when you are dealing with your husband – stressing yourself is not good for your pregnancy and doesn’t help either of you. If there is something ‘going on’ use your powers of persuasion to find out what – you can possibly do it by reminding him that you are not the cause.
V16 December 2013 at 8:32 pm #1372nomore 56Participant
I’m glad to hear that your hb is still gamble free. When I read your post I was reminded of the classes I took and the books I read during my training program. There was a large section on the topic of relapse and this is also an issue that treatment programs of all kinds cover one way or another. What you describe in your post is very similar to the behavior my hb engaged in when he was gamble free but not really in true recovery. I learned that a lot of addicts might never drink/use/gamble again but will remain in “relapse mode”. That does not mean that they will actually relapse, as weird as it sounds. There is a book that was a real eye opener for me. It is called “The relapse syndrome” by Terence T. Gorski. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to read it. It might help you to understand a little better what might be going on in your hb’s mind? Just a thought…2 January 2014 at 1:04 pm #1373
Let me start off by wishing everyone a wonderful 2014!
I hope to chat again soon, as my hb and I are on very different wavelengths. He hears things come out of my mouth that I never said and I can tell his mind is distorting things.
Christmas was the best in many years, New years Eve definitly the worst. We cant have it *all* but I hope my hb finds his balance again and I can stay strong. I have some health issues and cannot rely on him, now.
Ciao for now
B2 January 2014 at 10:16 pm #1374madge456Participant
Yes.. hoping for a happy 2014
Wanted to say hi and say you’ve been doing a great job trying to stay centered. It is so hard with kids and other responsibilities. I too struggle with being sucked into enabling – if he is abusive or helpless I have to (feels like) almost physically force myself not to give in/rescue/apologize for the situation – good for you for not giving into the Pasta scenario and keeping your distance. It is hard to find the balance for both of you…
I also resonate on not being able to rely on your CG – I have gotten very frustrated about it and wallowed in the “this isn’t fair” thoughts etc etc, but I slowly realized that got me no where. It sounds like you are beyond that, standing your ground and taking care of yourself and your own needs – good for you – That is a ray of sunshine – you are doing well and an inspiration to me…
M3 January 2014 at 1:47 pm #1375
What was different about New Year? What was there at Christmas that was not there at New Year?
To the CG in recovery, New Year is a reminder of failed resolutions in past years and concerns of failure in the year to come. Was your husband returning to his job after a break over Christmas? Was there a parental visit involved between the 2 occasions? Are the concerns about your health worrying your husband? What was different B?
In recovery the CG takes responsibility for their actions but it is hard to forget the failures of the past at times like New Year
I think you can, in time, have it ‘all’ but you do need to stay strong and your husband, in my opinion, needs to get back in touch with his supporting network. Responsible behaviour grows with time but any perceived set-backs in life do cause the recovering CG to waver and I am not saying to crumble.
It seems to me he didn’t deal with all that he should have dealt with when he was in rehab – a counsellor can only deal with what is given to them but if the CG holds back there is nothing the counsellor can do. I think your husband needs steady and constant support, of the right type, so that given time all his underlying problems can be worked through. I don’t think this is your job – your job is to stay healthy and look after your unborn baby and your child.
I cannot tell you what to do, as you know B, but if it was me I would suggest firmly to him to return to his support groups and the counsellors at his rehab. My CG ‘knew’ that he could/should return to his support if/when he struggled, it was part of the whole recovery process – has your husband been given such advice?
Some of the ‘gambler only’ (evening in the UK) groups on this site are run by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and believes in constant support – he himself goes to GA without fail as well as being a facilitator. I think your husband could benefit from such a group. If you think this would be an option let me know and I will find out more or you can ask our helpline when it is open.
Hope to speak to you again soon
V3 January 2014 at 5:43 pm #1376moniqueParticipant
Hello Berber and thank you for your honest update. You have already had some wise replies, so I just want to send you my good wishes. It really does seem to take a long time for the full benefits of changes in the cg to be felt by the loved ones – frustrating, but not surprising, given the tenacity of the addiction and its effects. But YOU are not governed by that addiction and can keep your focus on your own protection and well-being. And you will experience your own growth and well-being.
Wishing you all good things that you need.
Moniqeu6 January 2014 at 6:53 pm #1377charlesModerator
I think we have spoken before occasionally in the Community groups. If not then I will introduce myself now; I am a Compulsive gambler myself in recovery.
Looking at your thread I can see that you are already getting good advice and Velvet is supporting you, in the same way she does many others of course.
I see your husband is nearly 10 months gamble free, that’s good. As the one year milestone approaches though that can cause a bit of stress, it’s a massive thing. When he reaches it it’s important he keeps doing the things that have been working, getting to GA meetings or whatever. We all use support when we want to stop, it’s important to keep using support to stay stopped/maintain recovery. At GA I often see people hit their first year, or another milestone, and think they have “cracked it” – it’s usually a mistake. Maybe get him to connect to one of the Gamblers Groups here, he can talk to other people in his own position.
The best think I read on your thread though is that you are focussing on yourself, getting counselling and recognising things you yourself can work on, well done.
Keep posting and keep focussing on you.14 January 2014 at 6:32 pm #1378
Thanks Charles-yes, we have spoken before and I really appreciate your comments. I support my hb going to his GA groups-but he has not gone the past 2 weeks. Today he was not balanced (I thought “ah,well..we all have such days…tomorrow is better”) and he admitted to me that when he was supposedly studying upstairs today – something caused him to check out porn online. Of course I got upset as this is OLD behavior. He then said that he had not done that during his entire recovery except … On New Years Eve. I can’ t look inside his brain (phew!) but I know that his dad was yelling at him yesterday after a conflict he had had with his sister over the phone…things got heated and meanwhile he has exams this week. I am expecting things from him, (but thank God my health is going much better so I feel strong & capable to cope with things) so this stress is triggering his mind to respond in OLD ways.
He acknowledges this and promised to work more on himself as of next week when exams are over. We shall see, I think.
He recently went out for a game of pool after the GA meeting (isn’t that a bit weird? Especially since he shares very personal things with those people). And one guy tried to pick a fight with him… He is not one to stick up for himself or engage in the situation (afraid for rejection from the group) and came home feeling bad. The next day he told me what had happened and I encouraged him to confront that guy with his feelings. He did so, via sms, and felt relieved and stronger after.
He set his boundaries!
Hope to chat soon.
B.28 January 2014 at 8:28 pm #1379
Well the exams should be over by now which is hopefully one less stress in your home. Have you noticed a change for the better in your husband’s behaviour?
Was your husband encouraged to keep a journal as part of his rehab? I am wondering if he would find a pattern in his behaviour connected to a common element. Maybe if he kept a journal of his present thoughts he might be able to recognise the trigger for his poor behaviour and deal with it.
I’m not sure what you meant about it being ‘weird’ that your husband went for a game of pool after GA. There is terrific bonding between CGs seeking to live gamble-free lives. They share something that those without the addiction are not privy to and enjoying a game of pool together would probably be part of that bonding. They could/should feel safe with each other. It is certainly a shame that someone tried to pick a fight with your husband. GA brings CGs together by a common addiction but they are from all walks of life and are not the same. Confronting the other man took courage and hopefully will make them both stronger.
Has your husband been to GA since?
I look forward to an update and hope to see you in a group soon.
Velvet2 February 2014 at 5:45 pm #1380madge456Participant
Just checking in…I see you walking the road, trying to make sense of all its curves and pot hole – and I was wondering how you are doing ? It is hard when we or our CG have bad days to remind ourselves that good days are coming – at least for me, some times it seems like they will NEVER come – but your posts are uplifting and you seem to navigating the road splendidly – I am encouraged and lifted by your successes –
I relate to your CG watching porn as my CG has done this a lot – you seem to handling this so well – what is your secret?? Whenever something happens to us like that, a set back. I seem to crash back to where I used to be – “it will never be better, he will always be like this, etc”…I am happy you have found a way to step back and see the forest from the trees – I can sometimes – but need reminding.
Just wanted to pop in and see how you were and encourage you along the way…
M11 February 2014 at 9:47 am #1381
Thanks Madge, for your post. I had read it the day you wrote it but had not come around to reply sooner. It still *is* difficult to deal with my hb looking at porn sometimes, but when I feel strong I can stop myself from worrying too much about it. Lately I have been feeling quite strong, especially since I am due any day within the next 5 weeks to deliver our second child (we have a son, expecting a daughter now) so I am focussing on *me* more and on *my* health/wellbeing instead of my husband’s.
He needs to walk the walk, which I think he is doing. He switched to another type of medication now – to help with his ADD and help him focus on the task at hand (his studies, for example). I am not sure what to think, since he does not always involve me in his feelings. He does ‘share’ his feelings with ‘fellow recovering addicts’ regularly (twice per week at least) at the GA meetings he goes to. I am glad, when he comes home he seems relieved and calm.
Sending you strength and love.
B.12 February 2014 at 3:57 pm #1382ellParticipant
γειά σου πριγκίπισα
I read your post and you brought me a smile on my face . you are almost there b , the time for the birth of your little daughter is coming . God be with you all the time and is is so good that you are now focus only to you and to your health . You are very strong b n now is the time not to worry for the addiction and your hb . He knows the the rules of the game.
i m very happy cause you feel now strong and that is all that matters now !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you are in my thoughts every day
you are a wonderful woman b
with all my love ell
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