10 July 2014 at 4:55 pm #1398ellParticipant
I can undesrand that is difficult when your cg is angry about everything but he tries to find his role..
Berber my first worry is you , I really im glad that you know that you can search and find the strength and the power to be calm. You know your role berber you are a mother with 2 children and that is your priority and your happiness.
I think that you hb doesn’t know his role. He doesn’t have a role .He is still searching He tries with the household and the kids but I think he needs something else ….
And when he see you he see a determine woman with a clear role . You choose to be a mother and you are doing it perfect. He sees that and he gets angry because his mind is not clear .
I don’t know if he works now berber ? Is he? Or he is all the time home with you and the kids and he Is going only to the meetings GA. 24 hours together it is a little difficult .
Someone stops nagging or be hard with the other when he has something else to think, something that give him a sense that he gives to his family too . He is the man he wants to be a step higher from you .I think that he is confused.
I know that you will handle the situation, you are very strong and I believe in you . And I hope now the summer to go somewhere and just relax. You deserve it
See you again soon
My lovely berber
τι να πεις για τους άντρες, ?10 July 2014 at 7:26 pm #1399
I have just seen your post and I am even I am even more sorry than I was that we only had a couple of words in the group.
Controlling an addiction isn’t easy and you husband is not making it any easier stopping his medication. I hope he will come clean with his unacceptable behaviour at his GA meeting and come home in a better frame of mind.
I think Ell has made some terrific points, you do appear to be living on top of each other and you need to breathe. Does he tell you what the psychologist and psychiatrist say to him..
Short of telling him you want him to leave and give you a break I can’t think of any ‘polite’ way of getting him out of the house – I know I would feel the same.
I am being called to go but I will write again soon – I just wanted to get something to you after not being able to talk to you enough tonight.
V11 July 2014 at 7:57 am #1400
Thanks for your feedback Ell and Velvet, he came home late last night after having visited 2 different GA meetings which both did not give him what he needed (this morning he was complaining about the bad quality of the meetings) – I carefully suggested he could have maybe done something about it but he got right back to being cranky.
I think he needs praise, but i feel i have been overpraising already.
No he does not tell me what he tells his psychologists, but he feels they are good.
Yes we are mostly together 24/7 as i am minding the kids and he works from home (somewhat…)
Sorry we couldnt chat, wee ones were a bit unruly 😉
Have a nice weekend y’all
B.14 July 2014 at 11:04 am #1401
So, after a week of negativity in the house we (I) decided to call a truce. Our son got sick with a high fever the past days and with nursing the baby I had my hands full. Yesterday was nice, we went for a walk and I thought we were ‘ok’ even though my hb was complaining about petty things, trying to drain energy…
This morning, I made us all breakfast – and he confesses that he has been watching porn on the computer (again) yesterday. Turns out, all afternoon and evening while I am sleep deprived (suffering insomnia too!), taking care of the family and our house, he was bathing-in-his-sex-addiction.
I am aware that some do not think of this as an addiction, but since my husband DOES, I told him that this is then a relapse. He cannot be with us (as I wrote to him in my intervention/impact letter) and asked him to leave. He left, with a bible, to go to a meeting and I cannot have him in the house today anymore. I feel betrayed and hurt, grrr – he claims this was nothing more than a ‘slip’ but I don’t care what he calls it. His attitude sucks.
Anyone have advice on whether I am doing the right thing? Maybe recovering addicts can shine a light on his lack of impulse control?
p.s. last Friday again he started accusing me of having an affair when all I did was take our son to the playground. *sigh*14 July 2014 at 12:40 pm #1402
You have not made a knee-jerk reaction, you have knowledge and you made a decision, it is not for anybody else to judge that decision.
I have been with you through all your ups and downs since you came on this site and have hoped that your husband would change his life in accordance with the teaching of his rehab but he doesn’t appear to be prepared to accept and change. I agree with you that it doesn’t matter if other people think that porn is an addiction, or not, the fact that your husband does, means he is accepting that he is relapsing into behaviour that is unacceptable.
You know better than anyone the problems your husband had growing up with the lack of good support from his parents but he has now been into rehab, seen psychiatrists psychologists, is in 2 GA groups and had your loyal support – I can’t think of anything more you could do.
I could and would never say that I thought it was right for anyone to stay or leave a relationship but I am of the opinion that limits are reached and it is right to acknowledge them and not pretend they do not exist. I would be doing you a disservice if I did not admit that I reached my limit and that if estrangement had not taken place, it is probable that nothing would have changed in my life or my CGs.
This is another painful and difficult time for you B. The future will seem unclear but focus on your health and the happiness of your children and live one day at a time.
I hope we get longer to talk next time but until then I wish you well.
V14 July 2014 at 2:51 pm #1403ellParticipant
Im sorry for the relapse b ,
Berber if I was in your place I would have done the same thing. I don’t know if it is the right decision or not but I would have done exactly the same thing.
He stopped the medication? Is he taking the pills now? Or the relapse is tied with the no medications?
I don’t know b , I think (and I’m sorry for that) that something not goes well with the addiction of your hb . I think that he lost because he is tirted the meaning of the loyalty for his recovery and he must try to find it again . I think he is tired and confused .
Berber I realize in my relationship that when im lovely or have a tolerant behavior, my cg always seems to be complacency but when I m hard(not always) and tough and don’t go back he has always alertness . He told me that he doesn’t forget the meaning to be clean and lose his family.
It is time now b to focus on you and your children. You have your priorities and of course your limits.
My advice is please if you have to speak with your hb just speak for the necessary , nothing more . You need some days off . You need to find you and how you will react to a relapse . Give the time you need . And not have him there is very good. Relapse is something NEW now . try to find your power now..
i know that you feel angry and betrayed …but you know the addiction berber , you know well how it is try to find your power again and
Just think how happy you can be when your children hags you and smile at you !!!!!!!!!!!
You are in my thoughts
Love ell15 July 2014 at 3:32 pm #1404jenny46Participant
I think if you’ve made the decision not to live with an addiction, then it has to be followed through.
I have also heard people say that ‘slips’ can be a part of recovery and it is what people do with them that counts.
I also think that there comes a time when all the theorising and mumbo jumbo surrounding this addiction gives people way too much ‘wriggle room’.
It is possible to find too many reasons for poor behaviour. Hanging the hat of the addiction on his extremely rude and uncalled for comments is almost a get out. Would you tolerate those comments from someone who did not have addictions. I am hoping the answer will be no ? and if it is No then why is this different.
Its completely disrespectful and insulting is what it is. I am pleased he has taken his bible with him perhaps he may open it and learn something or maybe he needs a larger print version.
What ever you decide to do Berber, must be right for you and your children. Who knows if it goes on for long enough it may even feel like there is one less child around, one that is old enough to know better.
I hope you regain some peace in your life, it would certainly be well deserved
Jenny23 July 2014 at 7:39 pm #1405moniqueParticipant
I can see from your posts that you are going through a very difficult time. But you are also being strong and practical – maybe you do not feel as if this is so, but you are actually being quite amazing. It’s good you post and keep the forum updated, so you can get support and care.
Very best wishes,
Monique27 July 2014 at 7:23 am #1406
We are taking things one day at a time again. My hb was out of the house for like 14 hrs, doing heavy thinking and it helped us both. I am also working on self-reflection and finding ways to keep our ‘fights’ clean, controlling my temper too. Luckily the kids are healthy again and indeed, Ell, their hugs make my day!
Have a good Sunday.
XOXO11 October 2014 at 7:44 pm #1407
Time for a quick update. Things in our household are going with ups and downs, and I am recognizing patterns of stress with more ease (exam period=cranky husband) . As he is a master of procrastination, we have decided that it may be best for us to redefine our tasks. I have a new pt job and he will be stay-at-home dad for the days I am away.
I am a person who likes things done my way (arent we all?) and a bit of a control freak, so its a big step for me to let the reigns loose.
We will see how things go, I am confident that having set tasks to occupy my cg’s mind will help him get more structured and being away from home will help me find “myself” again. I have felt a bit lost…
Have a great gamble free weekend all.
B.22 February 2015 at 9:13 pm #1408
It’s been a while since I was here, and things are quite similar. Apart from my job, i work outside the house 3 days a week: which I love!
My hb is gamble-free and will be for two years soon. His unstable emotions and touchy attitude is still hard to handle. Yet again, he accuses me of having an affair but…I don’t care anymore what he thinks as I know The truth and that I am honest.
After long days at work or minding the kids there’s nothing that depletes me more than good old arguments with Mr.hotpants/ touchy who cannot recognize a joke nor let me “be”.
I refuse to be pulled down and I do wonder sometimes “why ” i am sticking around. Still.
Is it fear? Is it finances? Is it doubt whether I do love him still? Will he change? Have I given up?
Talk to you soon. He is at GA so i can go to bed calm, serene and EARLY. 🙂
B.25 February 2015 at 3:30 am #1409nomore 56Participant
Hi Berber, two yrs is a great accomplishment. However, it sounds like he is white-knuckling it right now, kinda like a dry drunk. Not gambling but still in gambling mode so to speak? I don’t know if you know the book “The relapse syndrome” by Terrence Gorski and maybe I mentioned it before. This helped me tremendously to understand why my hb in all the years he didn’t gamble (11 after the first treatment and about 4 after the second) was still hard to deal with on a daily basis for several reasons. It all sounds to darn familiar to me.17 May 2015 at 2:40 pm #1410
I have missed you recently. You have popped up on San’s thread and got me wondering how you are too.
An update would be very, very welcome
V18 June 2015 at 1:06 pm #1411
Thanks for your message. I have been pretty good,should not complain as I have a nice job and the kids are well. The relationship with my husband has ups and down, lots to do with his over-sensitivity whenever I comment on *anything* he does. We did have a Date Night recently though, which gave us the opportunity to reconnect again, but I do still doubt sometimes whether I can get over our past issues or not. He is still gamble free, since over 2 years and going to GA at least 2-3 times per week.
Hope you are well!
Xox20 June 2015 at 10:48 pm #1412
Complaining is fine – holding things in is what makes problems seem insurmountable.
I have been thinking a lot recently about recovery and the whys and wherefores of the problems attached to it. The non-CG wants nothing more than that their loved one controls his/her addiction – they know what the addiction has done to them so surely if the addiction is controlled life should be perfect – but is this a fair assumption?
None of us are one dimensional, we are all individuals and vastly different. When a CG controls his/her addiction the despair, confusion and pain of the addiction can be resolved but there is so much more to a person than just their addiction – they can still be confused and despairing about life, they can still be reticent, pessimistic, jealous, lacking in confidence, over sensitive. It is understandable that even with massive change it is unlikely that everything will drop into place and be perfect; a relationship cannot be guaranteed to succeed.
Your husband had a difficult time growing up and has reasons in his life to be confused and despairing. In rehab he learned to control his addiction but unfortunately he does not seem to have dealt with, or been encouraged to deal with the rest of him.
I have missed you B especially knowing that you have many issues unresolved. I am concerned for you – it would be good to ‘chat’ again in the privacy of a group.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.