17 June 2013 at 8:46 pm #9507
Well, another day another thread! I like starting new threads, they are like new chapters. I am likely to close one as soon as i open it. But thats ok, Its my thread, its my story and these are my chapters of my life. I change my thread as i change my life. Its just what I like to do. (if i could figure out how to get a smiley in this space i would).. So hello again friends and on with another chapter.
P2 July 2013 at 3:20 am #9508AnonymousGuest
Hi P: I hope that the shocker isn’t that you’ve gambled. I’m praying that is the case. Please come back and let us know what is happening with you. Love, RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. Aristotle2 July 2013 at 1:07 pm #9509
(((P))) where are you? We want to know you are okay? If the shocker is that you gambled then don’t stay away as this is when you need to be posting. One day at a time my sweet lord…2 July 2013 at 8:45 pm #9510kathrynParticipant
Thinking about you this morning P, it’s 6.30am here and I’m having my coffee with you, it’s actually a bit cold (the coffee) so if you’re making I’ll have a fresh one! Your friends are waiting for you when you are ready…. Love K ***2 July 2013 at 9:14 pm #9511
Hi thank you friends for your posts… I have had a really bad few days and I am still not there yet but I have a counselling session soon which i am hoping will help me. I have had really really bad anxiety, panic attacks, sadness. Its just an accumulative thing after dealing with some stress for a little while and its built up and built up. I did drive to a venue 3 days in a row. In a total frenzy i went there and i was absolutely unstoppable till i went to get out of the car and each time i got so angry then burst into tears and drove away. It was actually like being pulled toward a magnet and fighting to get away but I did. It was a very strange thing that happened. I feel like a total lunatic actually that i did that, but i did not gamble, i used a **** of a lot of petrol driving round the place though. I just felt crazy and i can see that when stressful things happen and especially when it involves finances too i react that way. it must be inbuilt in my memory that this is the solution to my problems. I know its not. The solution to any of my problems will never be gambling it will only give me more problems. My family are all scattered all arguing because there are financial things going on. it will effect my future too. but i just have to hang in there each day and stop projecting forward, what happens happens and i will just have to accept that and face what comes each day. One day at a time. I felt like i couldnt breathe for a while. I am trying to stop worrying. All i can do is live in this day as best i can. Deal with only what happens today with everything not just with gambling. I cant stop worrying about things lately so thats what i have to do. It has triggered the panic and anxiety and depression in me again and i was doing so well. It just disappoints me how quickly i have gone backward but just like everything i gotta keep trying, i have to move forward and i have to just stay in today. phew… off to work i go.– 7/2/2013 9:21:45 PM: post edited by P.2 July 2013 at 9:48 pm #9512AnonymousGuest
YAY P!!! No gambling for you — I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! I was so worried that my stupidity got you in gear and off you went. It doesn’t matter that you drove there — it matters that you drove away. Good girl!!! One day at a time. It’s all we can do. I AM back P — with a vengeance — right here beside you. I grabbed on to your hand and I will not let go until you pry me off with a sharp object (kinda like a leach !)
When you have those sad/worried/anxious moments P, try to stop for a minute. Sit down and acknowledge that you’re feeling bad. Scan your body and notice where the tension is, how your stomach feels, if your jaw is clenched and just let go. And then start to make a mental list of all that is good in your life — you’ll be shocked at how lucky you are.
I did this when I woke up today, because I was heading for a sorry-for-me kinda funk. I got into the shower and just let myself feel ******. Then I did my list, said a little prayer and concentrated on enjoying my shower. I know my day would have been a wreck if I had not taken those small actions.
I’m heading out now to take my dog for a walk on the beach for 30 minutes. That’s my workout for today. Didn’t hit the gym but will definitely tomorrow. Kids and husband off to gym then cheap Tuesday movies to see the Lone Ranger — not my scene today.
Keep moving forward as you are P. You are rocking this thing.
RG"I ***** him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self. Aristotle2 July 2013 at 10:05 pm #9513
Aww thanks RG sometimes i am just gobsmacked at the support i receive its just so nice. The urges are with me a lot, i am sick of them but i am still moving forward and just doing what i have to do. I dont knwo the desire is ever going to not be there to tell you the truth. I loved gambling but its something i know i cant do. I know it in my heart this time that if i go back i am gone.. I will not be able to go once. If the urge are bad for me now after some time up and i am having trouble fighting them i know only too well that if i go back once, if i put one dollar in a machine there will be no one day of gambling for me, there will be an all out frenzy and i do not know if i would find my way back here, in my heart i just know it.. it is all or nothing for me and with gambling it has to be nothing. I want to go so badly some days that it makes me cry.. its something i cant do, i have to let it go. Goodbye gambling.
P3 July 2013 at 1:00 pm #9514
Well, got through the day, it wasn’t hard today to get through, had those urges in the morning, went to work, ate lots of food which i am not posting on the feel good thread because i ate way too much, did not fulfill my exercise promise and saying i will start it tomorrow.. haha.. yes, procrastinating big time as usual but you know what. I’m ok with it just now because i am not gambling. I feel i have got through a very very trying time and i am hoping the waters will be much smoother from here on in.
I am feeling renewed in my recovery all of a sudden. I actually feel quite content at the minute. Its amazing how things can change when i just focus on the good stuff. I couldnt do that last week but today i can. So maybe tomorrow wont be ok maybe it will but what i can do is focus on now and now feels actually pretty good, a very welcome change. My ***** are so up and down arent they. Oh well.
P3 July 2013 at 1:00 pm #9515
((((P)))) YEAH SO GLAD YOU DID NOT GAMBLE!!!! YOU GO GIRL, I AM SO PLEASED FOR YOU THAT I DID ALL THE SMILEY FACES FOR YOU, THAT YOU CANT DO!!! IT’S ALL IN CAPITALS AS I AM SHOUTING FROMT HE ROOF TOP THAT YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…3 July 2013 at 1:03 pm #9516
Hey Cat thanks for all those smileys, why dont mind do that.. here is mine 🙂
**** it doesn’t look nearly as good as those happy yellow ones. But there is a smile there and that’s that main thing, thanks for sending them to me Cat.
P3 July 2013 at 9:18 pm #9517AnonymousGuest
I see you tried to join session today P, we are experiencing issue at the moment however I will continue and hopefully will clear. Sorry for the issue, hope to be able to chat soon.
Cathie3 July 2013 at 9:30 pm #9518
Well i got my head back on the right way round again yippee.. went to a meeting again and feel i am back in recovery again, so looking forward to seeing my counsellor this week.. I didn’t realize i would miss it so much so it shows me that it is doing me good. I feel relief after i go there and chat. I always think i won’t have anything to say yet i don’t seem to shut up the whole time i am there. Today i am happy to wake and know i can have a gamble free day today, my head along this journey kept saying you won’t make it, you can’t do it, look at your history, what’s the point you will fall eventually. Today i am going to work on changing those thoughts once more to you know what, i can do this, i am doing this and i am now living a gamble free life.. have been for some time now so it is possible, and if i can do it for the last time ive been doing it for i can also do it for today… I think that i was being tested last week.. I think that it was temptation and somehow getting through those tests and being so close to gambling and feeling like its impossible to coming out without gambling has made me stronger today. Maybe it was me finally letting go. Maybe its just what will happen through recovery and i have to deal with it each time it does.. No matter what happens today, i dont have to gamble. No matter what. I feel things changing, i feel i am changing. Its been a very slow long drawn out process of four years trying to stop. It has taken the full four years of relapsing and being knocked down and getting back up time after time after time to get to a point today where i feel i can actually do this. I think it is different too when you have someone asking you to go get help or being found out. I was not found out or busted, or was not accountable to anyone. I chose to go get help, but it has taken this amount of time for me to actually feel that i am at a place that i can do it. I cant ban, i handle my own finances and no one is checking up on me. However with the help of here and GA and a higher power of my own understanding and counselling. I believe today i can live a gamble free life. That week of close calls has actually been part of the process of me letting go i think. However, i am aware of what addiction is, i am fully aware of it now. It is very very powerful and very sneaky. I know one thing, addiction is out to kill. It wants to take me down, the aim of addiction is to ruin me. it will if i let it. Today after years of help i can say, i will not let it.
This is how i feel today! Tomorrows another story but i will face that when its today hahaha..
P3 July 2013 at 9:52 pm #9519
Wow another session with Cathie and i feel even stronger again.. today will be a good day
P4 July 2013 at 10:26 am #9520
I am so tired.. dont think ive ever felt this tired wow yawn yawn.. night4 July 2013 at 12:23 pm #9521
P I am so glad to read your post about getting help again!!! You are doing so great and your posts are sounding more positive again. We are funny creatures, how one day we feel great and other days we feel overwhelmed. I am slowly working through the issue that was bothering me. I am going to see a counselor on Friday so I am looking forward to that. It just helps me clear my head as I find when I talk to a counselor I never know what is going to come up. It is a new counselor so we will see how it goes. I had a really good counselor when I first went to Addictions Foundation and unfortunately she retired and the second one I went to through Addictions Foundations was not the same. I am going to a different one, but not through Addictions Foundation. I hope that she is good!!! Keep on doing what you are doing P as you are doing awesome!!!!One day at a time my sweet lord…
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.