8 September 2013 at 10:54 pm #8998
The pain that i feel is beyond explanation. The torture of the mind is incredible and i cannot concentrate or focus on every day tasks. Beyond the haze of this there has to be some sort of hope. There has to be more than feeling like this. I struggle to find sanity today. I feel empty and dead inside and shocked that i have allowed myself to become this person. I dont recognize this person. I look in the mirror. I dont know who i am. I dont know how to get better. The highs, the lows, the desperation. All hidden to the outside world. All so real inside of me. Inside i scream on the brink of insanity. Outside another person going through their day. Today i dont want to venture out into the world outside. Its too harsh the reality out there. Its too confusing. The blinding stark real world that faces me out there today is too much. I need to stay in, stay cocooned in a blanket and hide. I feel lost at sea with no land in sight. Where is the land, where is a lifeboat. I am drowning. Drowning in confusion. Confusion from addiction. Confusion from losing sight of myself. Who am i these days. How can i move forward when i can barely breathe. I will try. I dont know how. I will try one breathe at a time.
Luna Girl9 September 2013 at 6:16 pm #8999charlesModerator
Hi Luna, well done on posting again.
Gambling only causes and adds to the confusion and fog we have around us.
Look again at your previosu threads, you got a lot of great advice there. What things can you do differently this time? What barriers can you put in place?
You will venture out again but you can be armed with some of those barriers.
You do have that lifeboat. You have this site, you could get to a GA meeting. Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking. Grab a line and climb on board10 September 2013 at 12:20 pm #9000cat438Participant
Dear Luna, I read your post and I can feel the pain you are in. I know that there are days on my page that sound just like yours, but maybe not quite so eloquently written as yours, but the pain and struggles are the same. I am so glad that you came back and started posting. Keep writing to your diary and posting, and reading posts from others as you may not feel so alone with your addiction. Reach out to others and grab all the support you can as we all struggle. Wishing you a day free of gambling.One day at a time my sweet lord…11 September 2013 at 6:43 am #9001
The addiction snared me, sweet addction you had me in your grasp and i was struggling to breathe in my self imposed prison i was captive to the evil that you were. Entwined through my life, Captor of my breath, keeper of my thoughts. Today i discard you like an old worn rag, i set fire to you and burn your stench of evil out of my life. Addiction you do not have the grasp on me, i do not give you permission. You are abandoned addiction, you are banished from this life. The little left of my mind is mine and not yours to have anymore. Sweet addiction you are poison, beckoning me, enticing me, inviting me to play. Sorry sweet addiction, its too late, ive thrown you away
Luna girl14 November 2013 at 9:31 pm #9002
Dear diary it has been a long time. The bleak, cold, black, dark world of gambling is fading from view. There is light, there is hope, there is something. There is something better, something more, something promising. Forwards now not back, forwards.
Slowly slowly i climb out of the shell i have grown accustomed to. Though i feel fragile i feel more whole. The pieces slowly come into view and like a jigsaw puzzle i can feel i am slowly being put back together. One slow piece at a time. All it takes is time. This reality never appeared a reality when i looked at the possibility of it back where i was. It wasn’t even a possibility but a dream of a possibility. The dream ever so slowly becoming realised. Like the moth awaiting in the cocoon to become a butterfly, still growing, still cocooned from the world. Soon, very soon comes the butterfly.16 November 2013 at 8:24 am #9003
I feel as if the bleakness and morbidness is starting to slowly fade away and there is sunlight starting to illuminate the dark shadows in little bits and pieces. Regaining some part of the self that was lost and abandoned to gambling. There was a frostiness to my thoughts before, an icy gloom to my days. The small rays of sunshine are faintly coming through, a ray here and there, bringing with them a sense of relief. A calmness somehow gradually coming in in tiny pieces at a time. I cherish those times that had become so foreign to me17 November 2013 at 9:27 am #9004
Again plays the song in my head. Sunrise Sunset Sunrise Sunset
Swiftly fly the years. It is like my whole life has passed me by and as if i have been in some sort of coma and coming to wake up.
Waking up from a long slumber, coming to see parts of life, glimmers of hope, shreds of sanity, catching pieces of peace and fragments of living. I don’t believe i am gamble free. I need to pinch myself to see if i am awake. A decade has passed. I had lost myself. How do i find myself again? Questions. Why did i do it? Am i sane? I am alone with my thoughts. Whirring around in circles in my mind. A twister of emotion and confusion but a clarity begins to build. Slowly reaching toward the life that could be possible. That is beginning.
Luna Girl17 November 2013 at 2:48 pm #9005icandothisParticipant
Hi Luna, I just love your writing. I hope you continue to write. I relate to so much of what you say, but you can express it in a way that I can’t. You have a gift, and I am glad you are choosing to share it with us. I believe we all have something to give each other on this site.
Something you said about a jigsaw puzzle made me think of something. Last spring, at the end of a year of Bible Study, the group of women went away together for a weekend. We were asked to bring a piece of material that spoke to us or represented us in some way. My piece of material was a brightly colored jigsaw puzzle. It represented my desire to put the pieces of my life back together. Everything is part of the puzzle and it all fits in…at least eventually. I gambled on the way to the gathering and on the way back, so obviously, still some missing pieces. But, I think the important things is to keep trying to find the missing pieces, and keep trying to put the all pieces of our lives together. I don’t think we ever get it done…gambling is only one piece of the puzzle…it just doesn’t fit for us…so many other beautiful, colorful pieces, that fit right in! Eventually, we’ll find the right pieces and then we’ll put ourselves back together again. I think that is why I continue to come to GT…I need help finding my missing pieces, and I need help putting the pieces together.
Another thought…If you think of GT as a Jigsaw Puzzle, we are all of its pieces. We are a colorful bunch, all shapes and sizes, smooth and rough edges but WE ALL FIT TOGETHER..ALL OF US!19 November 2013 at 11:14 am #9006pParticipant
Well done. Your posts are getting more positive
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