2 July 2019 at 10:16 pm #6830Lianne_IParticipant
There have been two major episodes 6 months apart i.e over the past 1 year. His parents have bailed him out on both occasions, the second being where he will need to repay it back as I convinced them not
to be enablers. It’s been £100k in total (that I know of). He had Counselling (CBT) last October 2018 which didnt seem to work and now about to receive treatment in 6 weeks time.
My questions are probably impossible to answer but I’m curious to get some benchmarking to know the severity of the issue:
1) How does treatment differ to CBT, isnt it the same thing?
2) How many more relapses will there likely to be, I read between 6-8 times? With 80% full recovery for those in treatment.
3) Do I need to leave him in order for him to get to rock bottom to help him with recovery? i.e. love him to leave him?
4) If I decided to leave when is a better time? When he relapsed on this occasion, after treatment or if/when he relapses? I dont want to feel partly responsible his suicide and want to do best by him.
5) I read that you shouldnt give addicts ultimatums such as if you do this it will end in divorce. But there isn’t much out there on crypto gambling due to the lengthy periods in between and I’m unsure
if he is an addict.
6) How much evidence do I need to act one way or another? I guess it’s been miserable for 2.5 years (up and down).
Ideally he will get diagnosed and I will know how to educate myself on this and be armed to do the best thing for me. Hoping that someone has some experience on this and can offer some helpful advice.
Divorce seems like the only option at the moment, but I just want to know I’ve done all I can so when I look back at this in 20 years’ time I know I couldn’t have done anymore.
Thanks a million and lots of love to all those reading who got this far!
L x3 July 2019 at 9:29 am #6831duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
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We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team3 July 2019 at 2:54 pm #6832velvetModerator
Your post tells me that you already have a fair understanding of what to do, so well done.
I will answer your questions in the order you have posed them.
1 CBT can be part of treatment, it can also, in some cases, be a complete treatment. GMA, for instance, offers a residential, holistic, treatment programme which includes CBT. Seeing a counsellor/therapist, once a week may just involve CBT as time is obviously more limited or it may include CBT as part of the sessions.
2 I have never understood why it is believed that relapses are inevitable. A determined gambler can learn to control his/her addiction without a relapse. A slip is not necessarily negative, in that it can re-enforce the need for the gambler to be more vigilant but even a slip is not inevitable.
3 I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your husband – all decisions must be yours. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble is readily available on this site and in Gam-anon, which is the sister group of GA. It will probably be easier for you to make an informed decision when you have gained knowledge of your husband’s problem. Rock bottom occurs only once, it is a mental state and nobody can determine when, or how, rock bottom is to be reached by another.
4 I think I have covered this with point 3.
5 It is unwise to give a compulsive gambler an ultimatum unless you are positive that you are ready and willing to carry out the threat. If your husband is a compulsive gambler then he will own an addiction that is the master of threats, which you are not and nor do you have to be. If an ultimatum is not carried through then an addicted gambler will see a weakness, that can be exploited.
6 I don’t understand why trying to establish if a loved one is addicted, or not, should be called ‘gathering evidence’ unless you are seeking to carry through a threat for legal reasons. In my opinion, gaining knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give a loved one power over the addiction but not power over the addict. An addict cannot be forced to control his addiction – you cannot save your husband but you can support him if he accepts he has a real problem and wants to live gamble-free.
I would not be writing to you if I did not know that your husband could control his gambling and live a wonderful life in control of his addiction – if, indeed, he owns such an addiction. I have known many compulsive gamblers who live in control of their addiction and they are very special people. Learning to control an addiction takes courage and determination, if that courage and determination are carried forward into a gamble-free life then the bad experience can be an amazing force for good.
It is good that your husband’s parents are no longer enabling, whether he is compulsive, or not. A problem that can easily be overcome can become an addiction when it is enabled.
You write about two major incidents over the past year but you say you have been miserable for two and a half years. Do you, therefore, have reason to believe he has been gambling for longer than a year?
I don’t know why you think that divorce is the only option unless you are saying that you no longer love your husband. Divorce is very final – but is it what you really want because only you can know what you really want?
Maybe you could download the 20-Questions from the Gambler Anonymous web site and ask your husband to look at them. If he is addicted it may well open his eyes to the fact that he is not alone but that there is a lot of support for him if he wants to change.
I hope you will post again. If you want to communicate one-to-one, then our Helpline is available and/or you may like to join a Friends and Family group, where we communicate in real time; nothing said in a group appears on the forum. The group is private and it is therefore possible to say things that you may not wish to say in a public forum.
Velvet9 July 2019 at 12:22 pm #6833velvetModerator
I hope you will post again. If there is anything you disagree with, that I have said, or any further questions that you may have then please fire away.
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